Hi, I'm mo and I'm new...

[highimpedance]

Hi, I joined OOTS because I could really use some peer support; It wasn't on my 2026 bingo card that my emotional regulation would get worse, but after everything I've been through, as the hyper vigilance is dissipating, it is starting to make sense the more I learn, which is also why I am here. I don't want to trigger anyone, so I'll just say there was alot of trauma that compounded before I was 10. My father is an emotionally abusive stage parent; piano 4 hours a day from the age of 4, conducting orchestras by the time I was 7. My mom was a saint who helped me cultivate my gift as an HSP rather than exploit it, but she also survived abuse as a child so she was a workaholic, and in our house there was no love between them and no excuse for not picking yourself up again quickly. It was a survival mode dichotomy.

I had my first panic attack during my Julliard tryout when I was 8, my uncle saw I was suffering and stepped in and built me my first synth, and made me two mixtapes for my 9th birthday to go with my first walkman. We got close until he took his own life when I was 10. Another uncle tried to step in with his harsh repetoire of substance abuse, and grooming me to be a workaholic as well. By 13 I was chasing that feeling in those mixtapes with 150+ gigs a year as a touring dj, and I did that until I hit the pandemic with yet another habit, and not knowing what I wanted to do that didn't involve a crowd. There obviously was so much that happened in those 32 yrs compounding my conditions, but I can't take any more trauma dumping just to stop falling through the cracks of the mental health system, and I don't want to start that way here. Trauma did continue through my teens and adulthood, in different forms.

The important part is the last two years leading up to now. The panic attacks again escalated, I was in a relationship that had turned toxic before we moved in together, my mom and my dog had passed 3 months apart, I was spiraling just trying hold on to everything at once, not making great decisions and isolating. I was hospitalized in April for the panic disorder, came out ready to conquer the world, but I came home to my car repossessed and an eviction notice on the door. Social anxiety quickly became agoraphobia, and in July, I left everything material behind except for a few of my important pieces of studio gear, because I found a nonprofit that would foster my ESA Gia while I was in treatment. I figured if I had her and my music, I could start over anywhere as long as I worked to get better and find a simpler lifestyle.

I did inpatient, and php she was supposed to join me but they changed their mind devastatingly last minute because people were abusing the ESA rule. I stuck with it, journaling every day, therapy, mediation and meetings. I went to a recovery house that I interviewed with and called back saying that Gia joining me there was perfectly ok once I got settled. I did everything I was supposed to and more for 3 months, I was working for the owner of the house but was supposed to start a job away from him the following week when in short, he changed his mind about Gia before she even got there and dumped us at a motel on Thanksgiving eve with no warning and no money, leaving us homeless on Thanksgiving for the first time in my life. We spent the next week sleeping where ever we could, in an area I didn't know, until a friend who is a social worker, picked us up, dropped me at the hospital and is currently still watching Gia while I build a safe and stable life for us. I am truly grateful. He had done this to others, and I see how I missed the red flags now; I was just trying to get back to my girl against the clock.

I am living in another recovery house, in a much nicer area, starting a new job on Monday, but I am really questioning whether this is a healthy living situation, yet my muscle memory says to suck it up. The guys in the house are passive aggressive at best, downright rude borderline hostile, setting boundaries you will cross just for a reason to pick a fight. My case is so layered I kept on falling through the cracks, so I've learned to advocate for myself, but still this is all new to me. My first therapist/psychiatrist in my 20s was abusive, had his license yanked, so my primary was the only doctor I trusted for years, but now I am back in therapy finally. I've put down roots and have appointments with all the local specialists I need, plus nonprofits and some leads for organizations that can help me with mental health, and find safe and stable housing. I have shift work sleep disorder from the years on the road which can mimic alot of the misdiagnoses, and spent 9k+ gigs crowd reading crowds to the point of, what my therapist calls, expertise driven neuroplasticity. I love playing for crowds, but from piano prodigy to rockstar they weren't really a great fit with my sensitivities though I made it work for years; I really enjoy the humble, slightly normal life, I just want to be back with Gia and keep working on this album. I understand the money flows toward addiction but I am actively trying to find a living situation that is better for my mental health that will also allow an emotional support dog.

I was diagnosed with PTSD over the summer, though the night terrors alone had started a long time ago, and over the past few months with therapy it became apparent to her that I have CPTSD. I've had alot of incorrect diagnoses over the years, but I definitively suffer from Panic disorder and OCD as well, and with prolonged stress my executive function just quits. I'm learning all I can, trying to practice only healthy coping skills, and actively trying to find housing that isn't so brutal on my senses with Gia. She really grounds me and is also a neurodivergent little HSP. I've enjoyed reading your posts so far, and have read the rules, I apologize for the length of my introduction. I'm just hoping to feel a little less alone, and learn from what worked for others in their journey to heal. Yesterday was six months since I left my old life behind, and I'm really happy I found this forum.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum

I'm sorry for all you've been through, in your early childhood and then in the past couple of years too and everything in between. It's a lot.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm also glad you have found what sounds to be supportive therapy and are starting to feel able to put down roots where you are.

[Chart]

Wow, what a backstory Highimpedance. I'm so sorry for your struggles, but very glad you found this forum and hope you can find some stability in your real life and connection here on the Forum.
Sending hugs and support if that's okay for you,
Chart
 

[TheBigBlue]

Sending 

[highimpedance]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, all of you. It can be especially difficult to leave everything behind to find sanity in simplicity as a matter of life and death. I feel a little isolated just in the fact it's hard to share anything about my past; I haven't been called anything but my stage name in years so sometimes I don't even answer people when they're addressing me. Tbh, just in the past 2 weeks did I really start to learn about the link between my sensitivities and the cptsd, so being here even just to lurk and learn slowly that there are so many others that struggle with the same issues has made me feel a little less misunderstood, and a lot more hope. Just the validation from Blueberry that it is a lot even leaving so much out, and the kind words from NarcKiddo, Chart, and TheBigBlue mean the world. Especially the hugs 

[Kizzie]

Welcome to Out of the Storm Highimpedance  So sorry for all that you have been through and are dealing with at present. I'm always happy when survivors manage to find their way here and begin to feel the relief of not being so alone anymore.

[Blueberry]

Hugs Highimpedance   
I often lack the bandwidth myself to write much to others, but I do validation, because it is so important! I've needed it myself for years, still do at times. And I send    when I know people are OK with that. For some people especially new members it could be overwhelming, so I'm careful that way.

This forum has been so so good for me, so supportive, a place I come almost daily, despite my mostly having therapy of some type. I hope it can be a great suppportive place for you too!

I don't understand some of your original post, like ESA and php, I probably don't live in the same country as you. No stress though, I'm sure most other people understand them.