progress notes nov 25

[JamesG3]

Hi all. bit of mind dump here but a LOT has happened and I need to articulate it. Like you do.

ADHD diagnosis came through as expected in July. Aced the test! I'd had plenty of time to anticipate my reactions as I was certain it was coming, so no big flip out, soul searching or regrets. Not entirely accurate, that tho, as the final diagnosis lets the last doubts go away and your are free to process a whole life through the right lens finally.

Meds straight away, concerta, and effects have been remarkable. Trauma thoughts virtually vanished overnight, which at first I thought was solely down to the meds, but which i now suspect is 50% of why it lifted.

The thing is, that the ADHD was the missing component in my C-PTSD story. It was the gift to my protagonists, the instability in me that justified the condescension, bullying and neglect. It gave them fuel to undermine my boundaries and my privacy. And when the trauma moments reached their absolute crescendo, it made me less and less able to control my feelings, and my focus and my self moderation went to pieces, which, of course, made their lousy, petty behaviour even easier. As the trauma hit, my self control went with it, and shame was to follow.

But shame isnt always obvious, is it? The feelings were masked and hidden. Obsessed with the trauma, I put all recovery eggs in one basket, and didn't go near the ADHD at all. Why would I? I had legitimate reasons to assume everything was down to PTSD.

But it didn't stay down, and it naturally made recovery from C_PTSD impossible. I couldn't work out why I could get rid of that last 20% of the shrapnel. I couldn't, because it wasn't shrapnel at all, it was simply how I was wired.

Some things you simply cannot help, it's who you are. I was sensitive, scatty, prone to creative bursts one moment, and cognitive gridlock the next. So what? Is that a crime? Apparently, yes. It's an especially heinous crime, it seems. when you have a mother with a stroke, a business, an alcoholic partner * bent on dying and a narcissistic sibling determined to wipe out everything else around him. With everyone around me dumping their issues on me and leaving me to do the heavy lifting, they stood back to pick holes in a breakdown they were quite happy to create. More stress, more mistakes. To keep control, I had to think harder, push my poor brain to its absolute limits, my masking breaking down under the sandblasting. Every stumbled was highlighted, and broadcasted back at me, exagerating the effect. Victim shaming was the order of the day. ADHD and trauma, my head was at a level of self control that was simply too much, and it waited until my mother died and one wall of my cage was gone and I moved away, and then it broke.

Of course it broke. Self control like that is a dam, you hold back, but it's never going to be forever, the trauma lifts and then the bouncing bomb will finally pop and the flood will come. It's just a matter of time.

10 years later, I have the means to stop it, finally.

I've been hoping for someone or something to forgive me for the things I did wrong. But that's just it. I did NOTHING wrong. I was thrown a thousand babies and I caught way more than was reasonable. For someone with ADHD, I'm amazed I caught any of them. But what I dropped has haunted me, not least because they are the substance of the stick that was used to beat me, occasionally directly, but more often in the cowardly shadows of gossip and online slander. They'd never win a a public head on accusation against me, because it wouldn't work, and a one with two neurons of enquiry would have asked 'yeah, but where were you, then?' Instead, those with the most to answer for chose to mutter their poison in fringe venues. Emails and messaging with distant relatives, over beer in pubs, at my dead partner's wake. Some I caught out, a lot I didn't, and never will, but the damage it did was enough to destroy friendships with people I just couldn't bear justifying and compensating with any longer. Frankly, it was so painful, I let people go who were on my side, simply because I felt I couldn't take the chance.

The smallest slivers of truth, can create the most grotesque and inflated lies. I just felt flawed at a deep, deep level and I couldn't shake it. What I now know was ADHD, was the component that made it unshakable, a gift to these awful, morally lazy people who'd chosen cheap, easy narratives over a complex terrible story, simply for the * of it or to explain away why they didn't come to the aid of my ex partner and a man desperately trying to save her from herself. I can say with 100% certainty, that even a small intervention from these people could have changed EVERYTHING. I asked, repeatedly, and they ignored me. It made zero sense to me. How can you lie on such an industrial scale like that?

But I get it now, I get ME. I can see how I tried to cope with the building crisis with stress lines everywhere I didn't even remotely understand. Even so, I took it on, did my part, even tho others didn't. I get WHY I broke afterwards, I get why I was such a target, why I felt every injustice with the pain of 3 people, I get all of it.

Now I have to just let the monsters and the goblins go altogether. I was hanging on for admonishment from people unworthy of the job. I don't need to feel even linked to these people. I GET that one now. Oh yes. Letting go means exactly that. Go... GO AWAY. Get out of my beautiful mind.

It can be a horrible world, if you let horrible people tell you it is.

IT's actually however beautiful I want it to be.

[Chart]

JamesG3, your narrative seems to reveal to me a side of human nature that I simply cannot fathom. Though faced with it a million times, I fail utterly to comprehend humankind's inhumanity to their fellows. All that I can assume is that human consciousness is still evolving. I believe it is a dark period for our species, no less so than for the capacity of individuals and organizations (business) to wreak havoc and misery upon their clients and our planet. This inordinate power in the hands of the few is given willingly and freely by an enormous population nearly devoid of existential understanding. Yet it need not be so (imo).
I believe the final indivisible quantum particle is love. It is the total and eternal foundation upon which is constructed our universe. Pulling back, one by one, the infinite layers of understanding, we inevitably approach that singularity that becomes more undeniably evident the closer we get. Attaining, absorbing and dissolving in this state, we slowly pull those of like energy towards us, like mass falling in towards those points of infinite density. And that pull is not a plunge into destruction, but a metamorphosis into a rebirth, an evolution into a different reality, one where the construct is one step closer to the ultimate element.

I believe those who wreak havoc on others do so out of an ultimate hatred and denial of themselves. In that I mourn for them. And that mourning is a release from their power and impact over me. Step by small step I inch my way towards self-love, and in this way find clues of like-souls along the path. Slowly I set aside my arms of anger and pain of betrayal. Slowly I say, because some days finds me upside down facing back upon the path I've traversed. I see my horrible mother there behind me and my heart leaps into my throat for the love that has been wasted in hate. And here, on this point of the path, I weep, not like a man, but as a child that understands nothing, nothing but that one basic element.

And for me it is clear... unconditional love, for others AND FOR MYSELF... that is my lifeboat. That is my rope and harness on this cliff of life. How many times have I considered cutting my own rope? Yet I don't, I haven't... why? Because I see and read and feel in the experiences of others that thing that I too have experienced and felt and written. Across the ether I sense connection. And it wills me on.
Thank you from my deepest heart for sharing your experience, JamesG3. This world is truly as beautiful as we want it to be.
 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for your update. I am glad you are finding the meds helpful. I am also glad that you have come to a greater understanding about yourself and your situation.

[JamesG3]

Thanks both.

I've never cut my rope, because I'm not prepared to make anyone's job easier. You can be gaslit by monsters to thinking whatever brand of nonsense they are peddling, but they are the ones to pity, these dreadful behaviours come from fear, cowardice and failure. Pity them, then walk away and let them rot in whatever pond they think is normal. It's not normal.

Narcissists and psychotics are actually very small in number, but their effect is huge. But we have to try and see the good stuff, the good people, and we need to smell the flowers despite them. And we have to just ignore their enablers and apologists too. Heaven knows why those people exist. They do tho. In some ways they are more of a problem, least ways they were for me. I think they will always exist tho, so we'd better brace ourselves and know that we will have to let more than just our abusers go if we are to live our best lives.

I'm hungry for life now. Won't be held back.... nope, nope, nope.

[dollyvee]

The thing is, that the ADHD was the missing component in my C-PTSD story. It was the gift to my protagonists, the instability in me that justified the condescension, bullying and neglect. It gave them fuel to undermine my boundaries and my privacy. And when the trauma moments reached their absolute crescendo, it made me less and less able to control my feelings, and my focus and my self moderation went to pieces, which, of course, made their lousy, petty behaviour even easier. As the trauma hit, my self control went with it, and shame was to follow.

James this is a fascinating connection. I have always searched why my boundaries often seem permeable to others around me, trying to get a "rise" out of me, and often succeeding. Why wasn't I "strong" enough to keep it out, it must be something within me that I haven't "dealt with" yet. I had a look into ADHD a while ago and was quite interested how it and trauma symptoms overlap. I posted some things on the forum. Again, I though, oh well maybe if I just dealt with the trauma as, and afterall, as a scapegoated child it was me, I was the problem and the one who had to change. Interestingly too, my t at the time seemed reluctant to label things as ADHD (citing Gabor Mate eetc), but I don't think it's always as simple as if I just work harder, I can change this (as you mentioned). I've also been looking into and adjusting things health wise that can contribute to "anxiety," but perhaps there is another piece here again. Thank you for posting this.

Sending you support,
dolly

[JamesG3]

Hi Dolly, Thanks for that. It's well worth looking at. It's not a problem, we're just different, but it does make us horribly easy to manipulate and distort. Therapists, I dunno. I mean I went 10 years with mine and when I told her she said 'Oh I would never have spotted that.' Ohhhhkkkaaaayyyyyyyy. I mean... you have ONE job, etc.

I don't buy the 'I don't want a label' response of many to these things, it's pure logic to me. I had something flipping me out and I needed to work out what it was. I need everything found, fixed and files away so I can get on with my life. If that's a label, then fine. Give me a label. A label is a tool for you, who cares what anyone else thinks about it?

The ambiguity for me is where medication ends and the diagnosis starts, which has had the biggest impact? Also, how much was C-PTSD after all? What my Psychiatrist told me was that trauma responses are much much stronger if you have ADHD. Makes sense. It was a mix.

Not so much a magic bullet for me now, more a shotgun blast of answers. In all honesty tho, I don't think there's much I can't explain now. That's no small thing.

I'm not broadcasting this to people tho. It's just a proper toolkit. We all need that, don't we?

[Kizzie]

I'm blown away by your insights James and I truly hope others will benefit from what you've shared about your journey to understanding and compassion for yourself. We need to hear stories like yours - bravo to you!