Fearful avoidance

[Ran]

I read something about it online and think that it matches up with my experience.
I think my inner child got attached to this new family (other forum) as it was safe place and gave me a sense of belonging, but I'm so afraid of keep getting hurt that something makes me pull away from people and this all makes me feel very conflicted like wanting connection, but at the same time not wanting it. So it's anxious avoidant and avoidant attachment style together. It makes sense to me.
It was frustrating at first, when I didn't know exactly what was wrong. I just felt I want to talk to people, but the energy wasn't there and I was kinda pulled within and not showing anything too much outside in fear of rejection. I find it really difficult to regulate my emotions. Any little bit of critique "no I don't see it" was like a new scar. What absolutely frustrated me and just caused even bigger emotions.

With relationships I am very mistrustful. I don't see the possible good intention and vulnerability, when people share something potentially damaging to other people. I also think I get fixated on things I see as issues and trying to change people who don't see these issues and I can get quite mean due to frustration, even if not wanting, but even if I feel remorseful, then pattern keeps happening. And even now I feel I do myself disservice by letting it go, because I feel the pain of others very deeply, even when those other people are not there and never asked for me feeling for them, then I can't help it and the people not understanding get angry at me and I only get more frustrated.

[Kizzie]

Having trouble with relationships is very common for us so you're not alone in that respect Ran. And really, it's no wonder we are anxious avoidant, etc., considering the trauma we've experienced in relationships. What helped me to be less reactive was I started to hang onto the thought that not everyone wants to hurt me, that there really are good people out there and if I let my guard done a bit at a time I will be OK. Like anything with CPTSD it takes time and practice, but IMO it's worth it to keep looking for the good, healthy people we can trust and be safe with.

Re: seeing issues and feeling you have to change people is a tough one I know. I too have felt that I need to speak up and sometimes I still do, as in when the persona crosses a line.  At the same time I can now see that some things may not be important enough to speak up about and I drop it, let it go to the universe and carry on with my day. It's very freeing but again, it takes practice. 

Hope this is helpful 

[Ran]

Having trouble with relationships is very common for us so you're not alone in that respect Ran. And really, it's no wonder we are anxious avoidant, etc., considering the trauma we've experienced in relationships. What helped me to be less reactive was I started to hang onto the thought that not everyone wants to hurt me, that there really are good people out there and if I let my guard done a bit at a time I will be OK. Like anything with CPTSD it takes time and practice, but IMO it's worth it to keep looking for the good, healthy people we can trust and be safe with.

Re: seeing issues and feeling you have to change people is a tough one I know. I too have felt that I need to speak up and sometimes I still do, as in when the persona crosses a line.  At the same time I can now see that some things may not be important enough to speak up about and I drop it, let it go to the universe and carry on with my day. It's very freeing but again, it takes practice. 

Hope this is helpful 

Yes I need to learn and put it in active practice. I have such a hard time with it and I never thought it is due to cptsd. I feel like it's me looking for exuses for my behaviours, but at the same time there is a conflict between my feelings, especially due to harm caused and possibly could be caused.

[dollyvee]

Hi Ran,

I also have a distrust of peoples' intentions and often jump to the conclusion that they are trying to hurt me. Like you, I'm also fearful avoidant. I found Heidi Priebe's videos to be interesting on attachment theory, though I think the ones that have had the biggest impact are Jay Reid's videos on growing up as a scapegoat child. I also find IFS to be helpful though am working on connecting with Self more due to preverbal trauma (I think this is where the Jay Reid videos come in).

Sending you support,
dolly

[Ran]

Hi Ran,

I also have a distrust of peoples' intentions and often jump to the conclusion that they are trying to hurt me. Like you, I'm also fearful avoidant. I found Heidi Priebe's videos to be interesting on attachment theory, though I think the ones that have had the biggest impact are Jay Reid's videos on growing up as a scapegoat child. I also find IFS to be helpful though am working on connecting with Self more due to preverbal trauma (I think this is where the Jay Reid videos come in).

Sending you support,
dolly

Thank you dolly. I will definetly check them out. I need all the resources I can get possibly my hands on about it all and this forum has been teaching me a lot. I really appreciate it.

[Kizzie]

 

[Chart]

Ran, in my opinion you have made the first and most important step to changing a dynamic that you feel is hurtful to you and others: You have seen it and owned it as relates to your own behavior. Whatever dynamics come from all that, you are CONSCIOUS of something that is not functioning the way you believe is healthy.

I believe consciousness is a HUGE step forward which launches us on a journey of self discovery that is challenging and often painful, but leads to greater acceptance of ourself and others, as well as moving us to a settled and much safer place. Jung calls this transformation "acquired authenticity", coming to know and love who we truly are. Only then do these "faults" start to lose their energy and power over us. As we become closer to ourselves we find ourselves naturally more at ease and secure. That which hurt us in the past no longer has the foundation to continue functioning the same way. The false self naturally falls away, leaving us lighter and freer to be who we truly are.
 

[Ran]

  Thank you Kizzie so much too. I'm not very good with showing appreciation, but I do value all the advice.

[Ran]

Ran, in my opinion you have made the first and most important step to changing a dynamic that you feel is hurtful to you and others: You have seen it and owned it as relates to your own behavior. Whatever dynamics come from all that, you are CONSCIOUS of something that is not functioning the way you believe is healthy.

I believe consciousness is a HUGE step forward which launches us on a journey of self discovery that is challenging and often painful, but leads to greater acceptance of ourself and others, as well as moving us to a settled and much safer place. Jung calls this transformation "acquired authenticity", coming to know and love who we truly are. Only then do these "faults" start to lose their energy and power over us. As we become closer to ourselves we find ourselves naturally more at ease and secure. That which hurt us in the past no longer has the foundation to continue functioning the same way. The false self naturally falls away, leaving us lighter and freer to be who we truly are.
 

Yes, I am seeing everything a lot more clearly, even identity and other stuff. I think it all possibly happened for a reason to help me heal and be who I truly am withouth trauma fogging everything. Still a lot of healing to do, but it's a begginning.