How twisted is this?

[gcj07a]

Growing up, the best I could hope for was to be left alone. I often think of my M as the eye of Sauron. If she were looking at you, you were under a magnifying glass. Everything you did or said was wrong. My siblings and I basically tried to throw each other in her path in order to get away. Anyhow, I view anyone giving me any attention as threatening. If someone asks me if I am ok, I immediately freeze and remind myself not to show weakness in case there is a predator. I so desperately want others to care about me, but I don't trust anyone enough to really let them care for me. Any sign of concern for me is suspicious in itself. My SOT says "why are they thinking about me at all?" Sigh.

[NarcKiddo]

That resonates. 

[Chart]

Hey, gcj07a, I was obsessed with the Lord of the Rings when I was young. I would read it non-stop, finishing the last line of the third book and then picking up the first one to read it again. It was my escape for about ten years. I've read the books at least a hundred times For me it was the struggle of "little people" of which I identified immensely. Being given a horrible horrible burden that is not yours (the Ring)... for me that is the quintessence of Trauma, and metaphorically very similar to what I experienced as an infant.

In a very literal sense, I do not believe your avoidance  behavior is "twisted". No doubt you are absolutely correct in judging it this way. But as we know very well now, there is another element that supersedes and modifies this evaluation: Survival. You describe it yourself with your siblings, it's a question of survival, the one who gets "selected" is in extreme danger of death. This is the horror of Trauma: the very thing we need most, attention/love, becomes the very thing that is most threatening to our survival. This neuronal pattern is catastrophic. Children need, deserve and crave Love. That that natural need should be twisted into meaning danger and destruction is the ultimate tragedy of Trauma. But understanding what it is and why, and where it comes from is the beginning of reversing it's impact. Fighting trauma is the hardest thing that we know. We are literally fighting our own neuronal wiring that is in place to keep us safe. And now we have to struggle counter to those signals telling us that we are going to die. There is nothing more difficult for a human to endure (imo).
But now we know it, now we can begin the small steps to changing it. For me, personally, it serves little purpose anymore that I judge myself. This has not really helped me in the past, aside from becoming a beacon as to something that I needed to examine something more closely. I am lazy, haven't showered in over a week, engage in dissociative behavior, etc etc. All it tells me now is that I have Cptsd. And since I know that already, I can work to breaking down what these behaviors in me are actually trying to accomplish. They are STILL trying to keep me safe. That known, I can slowly start making little changes to work counter to my early developmental childhood neuronal programming. It's slow as frozen molasses, but in two years work I have seen solid progress. I still re-lapse (and often) but the inexorable forward progress continues. Every day the unhealthy connections get slightly weaker, and the joy and energy connections get "slightly" stronger. I do not see it as a Herculean task, I see it as an extreme and profound understanding of Patience and growth that seems imperceptible. I've lately become obsessed with Sherlock Holmes stories, especially the original ones of Doyle. I notice "the details" more and more. They fascinate me and I stay with them and let them mull about my brain. Then I take a nap, and observe the guilt I'm feeling, but do it anyway. :-) Sorry, I've just rambled myself near to oblivion!
Sending love and support, chart