Outside my own head

[Space Alpaca]

Hello everyone, I'm 31 y/o (female)  dealing with CPTSD from my childhood, chronic depression and S.A. related trauma.

I've been in therapy for 17 years, and I have been making good progress. Now I live in a different country than my family and abuser. I have an incredible husband and a supportive therapist, but it's still so hard.

I've been reading a lot in the past couple of years. I started with a book about Emotionally Immature parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. My parents are extremely emotionally immature, my mom also has some narcissistic behaviors and my dad deals with severe alcoholism. Next I read Reclaiming Pleasure by Holly Richmond, which helped me understand my S.A. trauma.

I thought I was doing really well but about  a month ago my 16 year old cat passed away, and my mother, even from a different continent, managed to still use me as her emotional dumpster. And I felt just like how I felt after my S.A's. I felt worthless. I should be mourning the cat that saved my life but instead I was thrown into a spiral of self-hatred. This situation opened my eyes to how deep my childhood wounds go.

Now I started to read Pete Walker's CPTSD book and I'm so relieved but also terrified.  I am very self-isolating and my inner critic is working overtime telling me it wasn't that bad, that I'm crazy and making things up, that I don't deserve to call myself a survivor. But I want to be seen and (maybe selfishly?) validated. I want to know I'm not insane. Sometimes I don't even feel real, as if all I've been through does not exist outside my head, cause no one knows.

Well, now you guys do. I'm glad I found this group and hope to be able to engage with you all.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome LadyBoar! 

It's hard sometimes when you start into recovery to believe it was that bad, but if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it really was. I think it's great that you're looking for validation by the way, IMO it's such an important first step to recovery and healing. One thing that's at play in your life seems to be abuse that has carried on into adulthood (i.e., you mentioned your M see's you as an emotional dumping ground).

I think you will find as you settle in here that you are NOT crazy or selfish or any of the negative things your ICr is telling you and that compassion, comfort, support and validation are healthy.

[Recovery68]

Ladyboar...  You ARE a survivor!!! It is something we live and hold on to BECAUSE of the trauma we experienced. No one in their right mind would choose the childhoods we had. So CELEBRATE YOU    I am finding my way through it by no longer viewing myself as someone who is healing or needs to be healed. I do not need fixing just more self-love and acceptance... more clarity and attunement.
I am learning to hold space for me as opposed to letting others in to steal my peace. Sending you much love and strength.
Beth

[Space Alpaca]

Hi and a warm welcome LadyBoar! 

Hi Kizzie. Thank you for your message! It's nice to think I may have found a place I might belong. <3

[Space Alpaca]

I am finding my way through it by no longer viewing myself as someone who is healing or needs to be healed. I do not need fixing just more self-love and acceptance... more clarity and attunement.

Beth, I think you might be onto something here! I have always looked into healing myself, improving myself, fixing myself...but I was not the problem...

In my last therapy session I said I didn't like the person I am when I'm in contact with my family, but I do like who I am now, away from them. Maybe my next steps are to cultivate more self compassion.

You gave me quite a bit to think about! Thanks you Beth! 

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Welcome! I'm glad you're here. I am really sorry about the loss of your cat, that's really hard. I too found the Pete Walker CPTSD book really inspiring to take my healing journey to new places. Also side note--I am envious you live in a different country from your family of origin, I would love that!

[Space Alpaca]

I am really sorry about the loss of your cat. Also side note--I am envious you live in a different country from your family of origin, I would love that!

Thank you, wooboy. She was the most cheeky cat ever and I miss her a lot. But I have many good memories with her <3

Moving away was the second best decision of my life (first being marrying my husband), I was very fortunate and thankful for the opportunity!
And yet, even from far away my family still impacts negatively... But I'm working in establishing proper boundaries.
And thank you for you message wooboy! Nice to meet you.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi LadyBoar. 

I'm really sorry about the loss of your cat. Losing a companion like that can shake the whole foundation, especially when they were part of how we survived growing up. My childhood pet was that anchor for me too, so I really felt it when you wrote about yours.

It makes complete sense that your mother's reaction would hit the deepest wounds again. That's exactly how old patterns get reactivated. And the inner critic telling you it "wasn't that bad" is something so many of us know too well.

I'm glad you're here. You're not making things up. You're not alone. And wanting to be seen isn't selfish — it's human. 

[Ran]

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat. Pets are family and loss of something that offered you a lifeline is shattering. 

[Desert Flower]

Hi Ladyboar, I just wanted to say I can totally understand you being so triggered by losing your beloved cat (let alone your M behaving the way she does). Not so long ago, I had to let our guinea pig go and that triggered me big time as well.
I hope the support of the people here will help you like it is helping me.
Take care
 

[Space Alpaca]

And wanting to be seen isn't selfish — it's human. 

Thank you, The big blue!
This is definitely something I'm working on! Been part of this group, even if just lurking and reading others stories has been really helpful. 

[Space Alpaca]

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat. Pets are family and loss of something that offered you a lifeline is shattering. 

Thank you Ran! It's actually putting a smile on my face now, thinking about her <3 How lucky I am to have shared 16 years with that cheeky lady! Thank you for your welcome.

[Space Alpaca]

I hope the support of the people here will help you like it is helping me.
Take care
 

Hey, Desert Flower! Thank you!
I've been in the forum for about a month now and I'm so thankful for it. It does make me feel way less alone in seeing so many of my struggles in others and the brave and creative ways they find to deal with them. 

[Chart]

Welcome to the Forum LadyBoar, I moved to another country, away from my family over twenty years ago. Have never regretted or looked back. Currently very low contact with my narcissistic mother. Recently had a call with her where she exploded and gaslit, outrageous and incoherent... after all these years, after all my learning and self-work, it really had hardly any impact on me. Every time she just more deeply reinforces what I already know: She is the one twisted and ill inside her being and to her core. I've found freedom from her toxicity and come to see and love myself in a whole new way.
Happy to make your acquaintance!

Chart

[dollyvee]

Hi Ladyboar,

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your cat. It made such a huge impact on me when mine passed away as well.

I also understand the feelings of was it that bad? I struggled with this for a very long time because of all the "love" my family gave me. If you're interested, I just finished reading I'm Glad My Mom Died, which dealt with that idea as well, and how a parent/caregiver can be loving and abusive at the same time. I also got a lot from Believe Me by Judith (?), which was about being gaslit by her m about the abuse she endured.

Sending you support for your journey,
dolly