Insights without action

[GcMartyn]

Hi all,

I'm a 40yo male. Married with two boys (8 & 14). I'm here having accepted I'm beaten and can not dig myself out alone. I think initially I just want somewhere I could journal in a safe space. Eventually I want to learn how to connect and trust people.

A brief bio of what I feel is relevant to my trauma...
- My mom was a narcissist and my parents relationship was volatile. When I was about 3 my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour. While in primary I was found to be deaf in one ear and had speech problems. For a few years I went to a different primary to my siblings four days a week for speech Therapy.

My parents split when I was around 8. We chose who to stay with. My brother and I with dad, two younger sisters with mum. Mum met a rather controlling man who started some very nasty custody disputes. Lots of us kids being in the middle. During the ongoing case dad relapsed and received a terminal diagnosis. Custody was settled as moving in with mum when dad passed. While he was very sick at the end we all lived with my grandparents. He died when I was 13.

We moved to a new city with mum. I was the peacekeeper child. Feeling like I had to protect my siblings. We were not really free to grieve. I had the typical experience of a narcissistic mum, a bit worst as my step dad attempted to control and manipulate. He could not influence my thoughts much so we had a tense relationship.

During this period I tried to maintain a relationship with my grandparents and dad's family in secret (pre mobile phones). I also struggled to connect and make friends (was teased a lot in primary) plus it was not a home you invited friends back to. I spent most time trying to preempt and averts mums rages.

My stepdad initiated a move to Australia when I was 14. We went a bit rural so it was very isolating. One neighbour we met a few times and I felt I could trust sadly committed suicide. While a bit rural as a teen my mum and stepdad would not drive us anywhere. I did end up getting a job and getting driven to work for petrol money which was something.

I moved out of home at 16 and rented a tiny apartment while I finished school and started uni. It was a bit freeing but I was working plus school to support myself so was survival focused and didn't do much for myself.

For a little while I started to make connections. I also got into a relationship with a girl. As you can imagine she was narcissistic too. I had no idea, it was all just normal to me. She managed to distance me from all friends and over time all family too. She destroyed what little self respect I had. I was very good at surviving and compromising and overlooking my needs though so I was just lost in that intense drive to avoid triggering her.

A few times I hit the limit but she convinced me she would change and just manipulated in a more covert way. After marriage she went after most of my personal habits and beliefs and interests. After kids is when my capacity to hold everything together reached the limit.

I started seeking professional support. Went on for years. My first few attempts at counselling led to limited insight, and I started avoiding them when they inevitably suggested a joint counseling. First time I carefully approached it with my wife, but would not make the mistake of asking again. I fell back to believing it was a failure on my part to make everything right and just doubled down on survival.

When my second boy came along I started to really struggle with stress and anxiety. I tried counselling again and luckily connected with a female psychologist who had been in an emotionally abusive relationship and over a couple of years helped me understand and accept what my wife was.

I desperately want to be free but with my experience of my parents divorce, and knowing how my wife would use the kids it is not an option. I told myself I could survive if I found some space for self care. My wife does not deal well with not being the focus so this was really hard. I also realised I had no sense of self any more and felt more lost and Lonely than ever.

I'm not at the point where I know I need some connection. I am way too frozen by fear to attempt anything which is not secret. If my wife hears anyone else talked of in a neutral or positive light the verbal manipulation is extreme and I see how it impact the boys.

So that's the very brief bio. I had not spoken with my family for a couple of years. Even then it was superficial, guarded and avoidant. I do not have any friends or connections. I interact with people at work but I just can't let anyone close. I feel like a burden and I am so guarded at what I share in case it comes back to my wife (many past examples).

For the last few years I have been getting more and more frozen. I am either doing work, chores, or I am just frozen, anxious and distracted waiting for the next thing to deal with.

This has let me to be addicted to my iPad. Comfort eating. And just not being present with the boys. I need to look after myself better so that I can be there for them more, but I have little sense left of the person I am meant to be and what I need. Even thinking of my needs is triggering and sends me into a spiral.

I am hoping to get more connected to myself through sharing some things through journals and learning from other peoples recovery.

[Lina24]

Hi GcMartyn,

I'm sorry to read of your troubles. I am finding self-compassion the hardest part of recovery, too. When asked in therapy to say anything nice about myself, I just cried. I couldn't do it. I think starting small, very small, and feeling every victory, however insignificant it might feel, can do so much good.
I hope you can find a way to learn who you are. I'm new here too, but I think we were in the right place.

 
Lina

[dollyvee]

Hi GcM,

I'm sorry to read all that you're going through and finding yourself in that situation with your partner. I hope you can find what you need here. A lot of us have grown up with NPD family members.

One thing that might be helpful if you do find yourself splitting from your partner and the concern that she will use the kids against you, or put them in the middle, is that you have the experience to draw from when it happened to you as a child, and would likely be a strong role model of "what to do" in that situation for your children. Though it may be difficult for you, and bring up all sorts of past trauma, but it is past stuff and you are not that person anymore, even if it feels like it. It sounds like you have great strength and resiliency to come out of everything and be as self aware as you are about what's going on.

Sending you support,
dolly

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm sorry you've had such awful difficulties to contend with. Well done for working on healing for the benefit of you and your boys.

[Kizzie]

Your post made my heart ache I must say, for you and your children. Dealing with an N is just so completely consuming and devastating as so may of us here know. There are lots more resources than there used to be, plus  family services and the justice system do have some understanding that children need to be protected from an N parent. I don't know if you've been to our sister site Out of the FOG, but it's for anyone dealing with someone who has an PD and they have lots of members and resources so you may want to check there if you haven't done so already.

You're absolutely doing the best thing by reaching out - isolation and loneliness just make the burden so much harder to bear. Here though we do understand and are supportive. It may take a while for you to feel comfortable with self-compassion or compassion from us I know. It makes sense given you've been exposed to negativity and criticism for a very long time. I had a hard time with this when I started here because deep down I was so afraid I would let myself feel it and then it would all go away. Over time though I came to welcome it and to be self-compassionate. I hope the same is true for you.