arguably the most intense, soul-crushing, debilitating self criticism ever

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Basically i get REALLY * TRIGGERED whenever i realise how i act so impulsively shooting myself in the foot making a problem worse for myself, or "over-reacting", or having poor logical faculties. even when im out in public, even when im barely even engaging with strangers, im constantly worrying that I appear too impulsive too childish too dramatic too irrational too brutish too selfish etc in front of them

like today when i sold my console on Facebook marketplace, the person buying off me told me that i should have purchased the missing part and then sell it, I felt so called out.
*acts without thinking*
*screams whenever she does not get her own way*
*histrionics*
*lashes out at others for the most ridiculous of reasons*
*drinks slim fast milkshakes while eating regular meals thinking it will help her lose weight*
============ BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD (so triggering)
(not how i wish to be)
this encounter is especially triggering because its about video games, I feel so invalidated because its an attack on my identity, being a gamer technical logical etc is so tied into my self worth so no wonder i feel pathetic when Im too much of a noob (e.g. failing to buy parts) even more so if its in an impulsive way.
DUMB BLONDE.

i feel like im being watched, judged for the things i happen to be mega insecure about

Past memories of having outbursts in public (because of feeling triggered, sensory overload, comparing myself to strangers, etc some kinda combination) make me feel SO pathetic. I cant look at police vehicles without feeling so uncomfortable because of this.

"am i saying dumb things without thinking? do i appear too 2+2=5 to others?"
"i have to force myself to be polite to respect others boundaries, because barging past people makes me feel so fat/heavy and visceral and impulsive (I DONT WANT TO BE THAT WAY). even people shoving their legs inwards as i walk past them is triggering. i feel like a waste of space"

i try to read self help books etc about "inner critic" but it doesnt help that much considering Im transgender and I have  anorexia, it's more than just "overly judgmental family members" or something

[Desert Flower]

Hi geckoskittleetc, I just came back on the forum after a while (no specific reason for being away) and yours was the first post I read.
I really feel bad for you feeling the way you do about yourself. I just wanna say nobody should have to feel like that. You're just as good a person like everybody else. And it's a lot you're carrying around with you all the time.
I can relate because I also have times where I feel so overwhelmed by everything I'm thinking and feeling about myself and then blaming myself for feeling that way and being triggered etc.
And the way I see it is the awareness of what you're feeling and thinking could be helpful (when it's not too much) but really the blaming is undeserved and not helping us. You are not to blame. There was a song that came to me the other day and maybe it will help you a little bit too: "I had some help. It ain't like I can make this kind of mess all by myself."
And I think what you read about the Inner Critic may in fact be helpful only it takes a lot of practice talking (shouting if necessary) back to the Inner Critic because we've become so used to listening to it.
(And don't worry about it being more then 'judgemental family members' because many times it's a whole pile of junk we have to work through. And your being here is a start of that).
I hope this helps a little bit. A hug if that's okay 

[Recovery68]

geckoskittlezx7900338 I feel (relate) to all the self-judgment and criticism.

Maybe consider a few things... criticism never improves anything. It is not a motivator or a way to support positive change. In fact, it has the opposite effect. It took years but I finally recognized that the voice in my head was saying the things my abusers said, either directly or implied. Maybe spend a bit of time considering this possibility, even journaling a bit on it. Ask yourself questions like, where did this belief/thought originate and is it mine or did it come from another?

In other words, catch yourself when you start berating yourself and just stop. Take a second to forgive yourself and offer acceptance to you. Say things like, I love and accept myself.

I also reacted instead of responding but have changed that with the following technique... First, take a breath or 2 or 3. Realize you do not need to defend yourself to anyone (that means, you don't have to convince anyone of your value. NO ONE) Initially saying nothing is better than saying something that invites more vitriol or judgment from another. Eventually, you will find yourself in a position to set healthy boundaries but I don't think that time is now.

You are not pathetic but had experiences as a child that rewired your brain from trauma. We may never be normal but we can get to a place where first we feel safe and then we figure out how to thrive.

Many inner critic books (I've read many and tried most of the techniques) miss the mark for those of us with CPTSD. Try reading books more focused on loving and accepting yourself. Louise Hay is one author I recommend.

I hope this helps and please celebrate yourself because you joined this forum.
Beth