New here, fighting effects of CPTSD for 45 years

[trying2c]

As you can see, I'm not "Spring chicken", at almost 55.

I have been trying hard to overcome my issues since I was 10 y.o, in therapy. Some parts, I kept stuffed away to protect myself, afraid that they psychology team would think that I'm lying & lock me up. I was terrified!

Unfortunately, those memories still come back to me (for no apparent reason that I can see) and I CANNOT handle the intense terror. 

Sadly, I've tried all of the medicines. I unbelievably agreed to ECT in December (which slammed my short-term memory hard).

I have been looking for a group that meets in my area, to talk about these topics in person.. hoping it would then be small and a little more emotionally supportive. (I'm shy :wink:) No luck with that yet, though I'm
unsure why.

I feel very alienated in this world. . I hope to meet you soon!

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

I'm not surprised you have not yet found an in person group to discuss these topics. CPTSD is still not widely recognised and those who suffer can be reluctant to open up about it. Especially face to face. It is really valuable to be able to do so, and I hope you find a suitable group. In the meantime I'm sure you'll find help and support here.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Trying, I hope you find some info/support here - feeling connected can help as many of us have found.

It can be tough to deal with CPTSD, especially terrifying memories that keep coming back. Finding a therapist you can build trust with over time might still be a good path, someone you can approach those memories with a bit at a time?  While many of us don't want to reveal certain things it may be that in your case you will need to do so in order to deal with what's plaguing you. Scary I know but the memories scare you anyway so perhaps confronting them slowly and with a T you feel really safe with might be the way to go. Just my thoughts of course, you know yourself best.

[trying2c]

Hi NarcKiddo,

I suppose that you're right about others with CPTSD not being real eager to opening up face-to-face about those things. Funny, I actually hadn't put much thought into that aspect. 

I definitely appreciate this group! It will be a relief to gain sincere support from others like myself. 

[trying2c]

Hello Kizzie,

Thank you...

I wish SO badly that I wouldn't have to keep remembering these terrors, especially because there was so much throughout my childhood. The really painful fact that the abuse was committed by more than one person, and more than one type of abuse. I came forward to protect my aunt's baby daughter. I would NOT stand by and let her be affected by abuse.

The effect of me coming forward wasn't pretty though. Her mom - my aunt- (who I loved more than *anyone* in my family), my grandma (another who I loved and thought that she loved me), grandpa, and a couple of uncles - they all immediately their backs on me & refused to talk with me for 2 years.

THAT hurt more than (almost) everything!😭 The sorrow from the family that I was born with is just a *hard and sad* reality. I have to accept that. I stopped the ugly cycle (thank goodness!), but I have paid hard for it. And I am struggling to get through every day. My daughters have no idea of this past... it's way too ugly to burden them with! But, it also still leaves me alone inside.

Maybe that's why my terrible memories are inescapable? I just feel like a pain~ 1 hour a week, that's all that my insurance will pay for. Unless I went inpatient... and I will not do that if I can possibly control that.

Anyway, sorry that I went into my past a little further. . I just thought, maybe it would give you more idea of "me"?

[NarcKiddo]

It's totally fine to talk about your past as little or as much as you wish to. And well done for stopping the ugly cycle. That's huge and I am only sorry that you are paying so hard for doing so.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you need us, but since that is the case, good you found us!

There are a good few members on the forum who are 50+ including myself.

I also came forward to protect a baby nephew and that did not go down well, tho I wasn't treated as badly about that as you seem to have been. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Kizzie]

It does hurts and it's really hard to get by it all as we here know only too well.  You are in good company and I hope talking about some of the things you have been through and are dealing with helps. 

[trying2c]

Thank you, NarcKiddo

I really appreciate your kindness.

[trying2c]

Hi Blueberry,

I'm sorry that you went through the same thing, it is a painful experience

[trying2c]

Thanks again, Kizzie,

I really appreciate the support that I've gotten already