Fear of men/fear of anger

[Hungrydog27]

Hey everyone. Back when I was in uni, I struggled with extreme loneliness because after arguing with a good friend of mine, I became really angry and hurt her feelings really bad. As a result, I got in huge trouble for it and felt really guilty after when I realized what I had done. Because I was too ashamed to show my face in front of everyone, I hid in my room all day long. Howeverm I got addicted to something that I shouldn't have and now, I'm fearful of men and can't seem to overcome the fear of what men can do if I became angry again in public. Anyone have suggestions for this?

[Kizzie]

Can you explain a bit more HungryDog?  You said you got in huge trouble for getting really angry with your female friend. Was the trouble from a man or men and is that the reason you are frightened of them now?

[Hungrydog27]

Well, the arguement I had with my friend is a woman but when I became angry, she rejected me and I struggled from extreme loneliness and I got addicted to what men have a problem with so that's why everytime I'm alone with a man, I'm traumatized by by men. I have no idea how I'm gonna overcome this fear because I have tried everything except consulting a counselor but I don't want anyone to find out about this so I'm writing here. Please help!!! The worst thing is that, when I am lonely I can't get my addictions out of my head. I'm not sure how specific I'm allowed to be on here but most men have this problewm I think. Once I think of a thought in my mind, I'm easily tempted to think about the addiction in my head and I seriously can't get it out of my head.

[Kizzie]

By "what men have a problem with" do you mean rough sex, pornography, or something along those lines? You can tell us in general what you mean but please don't go into graphic detail as it can be triggering for many members because what they've been through. We ask that members save the intimate details for therapy.

The only way we can help is by suggesting things that worked for us in similar situations and by supporting you. From what you've said so far I would suggest you do find a therapist who can help you one-to-one. Certainly we will tell you what we think, make suggestions, and support you, but the real help (for this) is likely to come from a trained professional.

Whatever is going on though, one thing I would suggest is to try and understand that as a survivor of complex relational trauma you are bound to have problems with relationships and to feel lots of shame. One of my fav sayings is from  a book by Dr. Christine Courtois - "It's not you, it's what happened to you."  Maybe try and take this inside your heart and accept that we react the way we do for good reason; abuse and neglect leave holes in our hearts, loads of mistrust, and a really poor self-image. 

It's incredibly sad that we take on the responsibility for this burden rather than hand it back to those who hurt and injured us. That's where it all started and knowing that deep inside can spark a feeling of "Wait a minute, I do NOT need to feel this way."

Hope this is helpful 

[Hungrydog27]

yeah something along those lines and every time, someone mentions even the word lonely, I get flashbacks in my mind and it's super difficult to get it out of my head too. I mean yeah, back then I didn't know how to deal with my loneliness and then became easily tempted. I realize now that that's the only way I knew how to deal with the loneliness. It's just too embarrassing to share this with anyone cause I feel all the guilt, shame, regrets. So I have been talking to my female friend and she's a Christian so she's been telling me that I'm already forgiven therefore, I don't need to remind myself either. To be completely honest, I want to keep it as discreet as possible.

[Kizzie]

 

[Hungrydog27]

The only problem is that, since I am living with my parents, I don't want them to know that I'm struggling with this. However, I am willing to seek professional help but I don't know what to tell my parents. Please help!!!

[Kizzie]

Just my thoughts on this but I don't think you don't need to tell your parents anything that you don't want to. In the end it is all about you and what you need.

[Hungrydog27]

yeah, that makes total sense but if they ask me then what? It seems that everyone at church are all praying for me cause somehow they just know I'm struggling with a past addiction and I feel like hiding. I'm also consulting a psychiatrist for my anger management and he suggested to consult a therapist but he doesn't have time for me. He counsels people for emotional problems and to me, it sounds like an excuse not to help me. He also mentioned that I should face reality. Well, maybe facing my anger is the problem for me cause when I become angry, people around me reject me and then don't wanna be my friend anymore. That's why I'm lonely. He suggested cognitive behavioral therapy and to google myself for a counselor. I think my parents are aware of my loneliness cause I caused a huge problem when I was living independently in Singapore which involved my colleague at the time because he already had a gf. After I found out, I was filled with rage and intentionally took revenge to make him suffer for the pain he caused me. I intentionally thought about my addiction in my mind to punish him, which then led him to almost reporting me to the police. To be completely honest, it's affecting my daily life and work too. I have never left my house out of fear of men and if I lose control of my anger that I might take revenge on whoever makes me angry by thinking about my addiction in my mind to punish the other person. That could involve the police cause when my anger is out of control, that's what happens to me. Help!!!

[Kizzie]

As I mentioned in an earlier post, we can't help you except to make suggestions and provide support.  Psychiatrists don't normally do much anymore except prescribe medication which is likely why the one you dealt with suggested you find a therapist.  I too would suggest you find one with knowledge and experience of CPTSD. Here's a good site for that - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists and there are others on the web so you can narrow down your search by where you live.

[Hungrydog27]

Alright, thank you. Well I'm concerned cause they will pay for my bills so they might ask me the reason and I don't want anyone to know.

[Hungrydog27]

Hi. Ive contacted almost every therapists in japan. I'm most likely to hurt others and myself in the long run when I'm angry and take revenge on the other person by thinking about my addiction in my mind. This will be a police problem and I'm have been told to go to a hospital if I'm going to harm myself. Well, I am harming myself in my mind so I'm scared to death especially if it's a man who makes me angry and then I will become unstoppable. I don't want to explain myself to the police. My psychiatrist is an * really. He hasn't helped at all.Something tells me my parents as well as the whole world knows that I'm struggling in my mind. That is baaad and embarrassing!!!

[Kizzie]

HungryDog, if you are really afraid of what you might do my suggestion is to get help at an Emergency Room at a hospital as soon as possible. You must be honest with them though and if you are they will likely refer you to their psychiatric department where hopefully you will find some help. There are good professionals who will help if you reach out. Unfortunately here we are all survivors and can't give you the help you feel you need  So, please make sure you get to some good help by starting with an ER at a hospital.

[Hungrydog27]

Ahh, I see. Alright then.

[Kizzie]

Good luck, I hope you are able to find some good professional help.