Sexual abuse as a child

[Black cat]

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was little.
I now have 24 years but the memory of what happened never left my mind.
For years I thought I just needed to talk about it with someone and I took the courage to do so to a psychologist when I was 18, but I stopped when I finally speak about the abuses. I was wrong, I needed to process the trauma, but I then went through a difficult time in my life and now I crave to talk about it with a psychotherapist but I don't have the money to do so.
It's been some years and I think I always experienced symptoms of CPTSD and I want someone to tell me I do, and to help me go through it. I really want to heal because lately I can only think about this, and the trauma, and it's exhausting.
For years I thought I accepted what happened to me but in reality I only know rationally, but emotionally I still see that child as someone different from "me".
I have to accpet that me and that baby are the same person, I'm not her "substitute", she didn't "die", she's me and I'm her. Sometimes this realization kicks in and I feel really bad, I can't even think properly or stop crying but it only lasts some minutes.
I want to heal and to leave this behind, as much as possible.
I want to stop feeling the dissociation, the derealization, all the anxiety I have everyday and all the problems I have with my self esteem and relationships.
I want to become a psychotherapist one day and I know that in order to do so I have to heal first.
I hope I will be able to do so soon

[Armee]

 

Many mental health professionals have not healed their stuff. I wonder if you could begin that journey and obtain therapy as you go? Significant healing for betrayals like you experienced take so long, but there's no need to put everything off till you meet that finish line. Maybe even the school you go to will have free therapy?