A little bit about me

[Trius]

I have been reading through all the other welcome posts to get a sense of what I am supposed to say in my first message here. I was struck with how truly awful many of those here had it growing up. I know that it's more about what happened on the inside than the outside and emotional neglect can be extremely damaging, even when it is difficult to see, because it's about what didn't happen instead of what did. I was not going to talk about my life at all because compared to many of the people here it doesn't sound so bad, But when I was reading through the messages I realized I was looking for someone who sounded like me, so why not help the next person who feels similar?

I am a 37 year old cis man. My parents never hit me and only rarely yelled. The short version of how the messed me up: after they divorced when I was 5, I spent much of my childhood going from moms house to dads house and back again. My mother, who was often overwhelmed and depressed, used me as a friend and confidant (emotional incest/enmeshment) and my father was a workaholic who had high expectations and was very uncomfortable with vulnerability. I struggled with depression and low self-esteem from a young age but my parents and I bought into the chemical imbalance concept being the sole cause. I self medicated with drugs and alcohol starting at 11 and substances helped me wear a mask and have a pretty normal life up until my early 20s when I withdrew from the world, gave up on life, and started drinking every day. I was drinking because of the pain but I couldn't heal the pain until I stopped.

I finally was able to get sober at 29 and found a really good therapist. He agreed that all my mental health symptoms seemed to fit c-ptsd but I still thought I had a "normal" happy childhood. One night, after working with this therapist for a while, when I was contemplating "what happened to me" it was like a dam broke and I was flooded with all the emotions from my childhood that I had cut myself off from. The visceral feelings of terror, loneliness, shame, violation, and grief were so intense I fell to the floor and scream-cried for a long time. Turns out my childhood was very very painful and lonely, and I had buried all that pain until I could create the space and safety to feel it.

Over the next few years I worked intensely on my recovery and made a ton of progress. I learned how to validate myself and use positive self-talk. I read tons of books and continued with regular therapy. I am pretty unrecognizable from the person I was. I now work as a peer in the mental health field and am able to connect with others in a way only someone who has been there can. I wish I could say I am happy, healthy and healed but I still have parts of me that need to be helped and unburdened, I still have a ways to go in learning how to be in close relationship with others. So that's what brings me here. I hope connecting with people here will help me be more able to connect IRL. Sorry for writing so much, if you read this far I appreciate it and I look forward to connecting more.

Trius

[Marcine]

Hi Trius,
Through your writing, I sense courage, resilience, determination and a dedication to serve for a greater good— all incredible qualities.
And I'm glad you know that you deserve support as you support others.
I too "still have a ways to go in learning how to be in close relationship with others", as you wrote. That's the very reason that also drew me to OOTS.
This forum is a solid, positive place to connect with others who understand.
I'm glad to meet you and welcome.

[Kizzie]

Hi Trius and a warm welcome to OOTS from my little corner of the world to yours  I always tell new members that if you have the symptoms of CPTSD it really was that bad and you do belong to this community. Hopefully, connecting here will help you to connect more IRL   

[Hope67]

Welcome Trius 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. There's plenty of us here who think we didn't have it all that bad compared to others. Anyone who has made it through childhood without ever being told by anyone that their situation was not normal or healthy will very likely assume that childhood was normal.

Well done for getting sober and I am glad you found a good therapist.

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, Trius, I´m glad you found us. It´s a really amazing place to start connecting to people because of the anonymity that protects us and all the wonderful people who went through similar experiences. I´m sorry that you suffered so much, but I´m glad you found a way to start healing. Trauma takes away so much from us and forms us in ways that we end up not liking about ourselves, but I believe that it´s possible to heal, even if it´s a life-long journey. So welcome again.