Getting Worse The Older I Get?

[BlueMoon_]

When I was in highschool, I was still able to get joy out of life and make friends. It was easier to get my assignments done on time and I was able to have hobbies as well.

Now I'm starting my last year of college soon, and I have been considered suicide many times during the past year, most days are grey and dull for me, and It's hard to get stuff done because of my executive dysfunction issues.

Has anyone else gotten worse as they got older? I feel like as a kid I was still able to feel joy and excitement, even though my parents would hurt my feelings sometimes. Now, even though I'm away from them, I'm going through a tough time, which doesn't really make sense.

[Kizzie]

Just my thoughts BlueMoon, but it may be that as you're aging you are understanding more clearly what happened to you. Looking at your trauma face on can be very depressing and anxiety provoking at first, until you are able to work through it here, with a therapist and on your own. It's a really hard realization to assimilate into our being, such big losses and grief and anger when we do see. 

For many of us things get better as we get used to the idea of what we have gone through and importantly, understand it wasn't us, it was what happened to us so we begin to let go of shame and feeling we are defective in some way.  We're not! Recovery for many of us is about taking those new thoughts on board and embracing them emotionally. It's also about letting ourselves grieve, be angry, etc., but with support (here, therapy, etc).

Hope this helps. 
 

[NarcKiddo]

 

Also, as a kid we have no choice but to fit in to the family system we are stuck with. We learn to play our part. There is routine with school (which also gives time away from FOO) but not yet the looming or actual requirements of adult life. A child also usually still thinks their life is normal, even if they have some emerging misgivings. So it is easy to fall into a state that feels superficially "happy" because we don't know any different.

College and young adulthood can be a very challenging time even for people with "normal" circumstances.

[Blue_Jays]

I learnt through the years that my university years were a major detox from my family. So it felt like everything was worse, but I had plenty of distractions with school and socially. I didn't really realize that I was having panic attacks all the time until years later. Having distance can hit your nervous system really hard. Especially if it isn't used to that freedom, independence, or safety.

Getting used to the waves of adulthood can be challenging. The joyful abandon of our adolescences can seem like the best times of our lives. But it really does get better with time. 

Figuring this all out while being in school is also really challenging. It is such a demanding time in your life. I found that things became a lot easier after graduating. There is less structure, and more freedom to dip your toes into different friendships, hobbies, etc. Finding that joy will come, it will just look different than before. For me, every year gets a little bit better, and I know myself more and more.

Maybe re-visiting hobbies from your highschool years will spark some joy for you?

I have been dancing to feed my child-self. Who really just loves Britney Spears. It is the small things 

[storyworld]

I wonder if, also, the weight of your current life phase might be contributing to your feelings of overwhelm. Transitioning from college to the career world can be incredibly overwhelming, for all people. Therefore, I'd expect it to feel even more challenging for someone with CPTSD. This is a really, really big transitional period. That said, congrats on nearing the end of your academic career! That's an accomplishment!