I Feel Like I Have Never Really Been Close to Anyone

[BlueMoon_]

I have been coming to a realization about this more and more lately. Looking back I feel have never had any super close relationships. I had a best friend growing up, but thinking about her now, I don't feel any warmth or nostalgia. It's like I have never really attached to anyone.

Nowadays, I don't yearn for friends at all, and spend most of the time by myself.

I feel deficit. I fear I'm a sociopath or something, unable to want people around except to use them. Most days are very grey and bland for me, and not being entertained by the company of others probably contributes.

[NarcKiddo]

Not having friends does not make you a sociopath.

My own experience with an emotionally abusive family where I never felt truly safe means that I don't easily trust anyone. Most of my relationships are superficial and I don't find myself yearning for more. That said, my therapist has been encouraging me over the years to try out a little more trust and I have to say that I am finding I like it. I guess you can't miss what you don't know.

I would also say that days can be grey and bland if you don't fully know and trust yourself. I was never able to know myself growing up as I existed simply to please and entertain family. As an adult I am slowly getting to know myself and that leads to more enjoyable days whether or not others are involved.

[Kizzie]

Blue Moon I am the same way, lots of acquaintances but only close to two people. I am quite friendly to everyone (except N's!) but I just don't want the responsibility of friendship. I had a very enmeshing N M who I felt bound to and had put up with her endless need for attention. It was a burden. When I went LC I never felt so free when the weight of her narcissism lifted.

I am fairly content with just knowing people in a friendly manner, somehow when I get close all my training kicks in and I am soon taking care of/focusing on them and their needs. Keeping some distance is how I can be myself.

I say all this because perhaps you have a similar reason for not wanting super close friendships.  And if that's the case you (IMO) it's easier knowing why you don't invite people closer to you. Like Narc Kiddo says, we soon learn in complex relational trauma not to trust others and that's a hard one to shift but you could work on this in therapy if you actually do want people you are closer to. 

In any case you have us now and hopefully you will feel a sense of community and connection here.

[BlueMoon_]

Blue Moon I am the same way, lots of acquaintances but only close to two people. I am quite friendly to everyone (except N's!) but I just don't want the responsibility of friendship. I had a very enmeshing N M who I felt bound to and had put up with her endless need for attention. It was a burden. When I went LC I never felt so free when the weight of her narcissism lifted.

I am fairly content with just knowing people in a friendly manner, somehow when I get close all my training kicks in and I am soon taking care of/focusing on them and their needs. Keeping some distance is how I can be myself.

I say all this because perhaps you have a similar reason for not wanting super close friendships.  And if that's the case you (IMO) it's easier knowing why you don't invite people closer to you. Like Narc Kiddo says, we soon learn in complex relational trauma not to trust others and that's a hard one to shift but you could work on this in therapy if you actually do want people you are closer to. 

In any case you have us now and hopefully you will feel a sense of community and connection here.

I also have a very clingy mother, but now around other people instead of taking care of them, I want to do the opposite, and I can't find it in me enough to cater to them or whatever. For example, it's really awkward for me when friends need to be comforted, because I never know what to do, and mushy stuff kinda repulses me.

I do fall into people pleasing sometimes, though, but mostly just to satisfy strangers or authority figures that approach me enough that they will go away and leave me alone again.

I relate to what you said about how keeping up friendships is too much of a responsibility for you to maintain many. I guess my main issue is that my distaste for having to please my parents and focus on their needs growing up has made it so I don't have any interest in others and find them boring I'm sorry to say, and when I do talk to them, I find it easier to talk about myself and hard to ask them questions. I think I am alone mostly because I am self centered, unfortunately.

I have looked online about how to stop being uninterested in people before but there isn't a lot of clear advice. Hopefully I can overcome it though.

I also hope I can find community here, I don't think I have ever felt like I was in a 'community' before so it could be interesting and hopefully I will learn some things

[Kizzie]

I have looked online about how to stop being uninterested in people before but there isn't a lot of clear advice. Hopefully I can overcome it though.

Perhaps not being interested in others is just your way of finally taking time to discover you? I am actually interested in others now, but if I feel like I am focusing more on them than myself then I pull back and get reacquainted with who I am, what I think/feel/need, etc.

Perhaps you are doing something similar to this? By not being particularly interested in others you get to spend time with you, something you haven't had until now. And it may be that once you've had time with you you will start to be more interested in others, knowing that you now can maintain being your real self and not lose yourself in them.

Hope this makes some sort of sense!