new here

[asdis]

hi. we're new here. we are a DID system and use Asdis for the system as a whole. we're 23 (almost 24). we also tend to switch between using we and I, so apologies in advance for any confusion. we do our best to be consistent, but we still miss it sometimes. we are also autistic and live with chronic pain and chronic health conditions, as well as other mental illnesses and are in recovery from substance abuse (2 years!!!).

we're not exactly sure what to say about how we developed CPTSD aside from saying that we had an insanely abusive childhood that was incredibly well hidden and protected/ignored by the community members that did know. at 13 we were told by others for the first time that we were experiencing abuse, but still were not believed by anyone in power. we attempted suicide at 13 and were court mandated to go inpatient due to our parents fighting with CPS. that hospital stay was very traumatic and it added extra layers of denial for us as the main message from all the adults and professionals during that was that we were making things up and looking for reasons to be mentally ill. the only true positive to come out of it was starting therapy at 13, even if we avoided the root problems until we dropped out of college. after we turned 18, we didn't go to therapy consistently until 21 (almost 22) due to lack of access and more gaslighting from professionals when we did try. we've been on more medications than we can remember and the best experience we had was minor side effects from an ineffective med. we've been inpatient a total of three times and all were traumatizing. so now we only do therapy.

after our last hospitalization, our fiance was able to help us move in with them and finally leave our "hometown" behind. we have been living together in an apartment for the last year after leaving their family's place last summer. "new" repressed memories have been flooding us at least once a month for the last two years. our physical health has been deteriorating since we left our hometown. we can no longer work. but our fiance has stuck by our side through it all and the last year has been the most peaceful year of our life. we have been with the same therapist for almost three years now and have made some progress. our healing and recovery is largely focused on acceptance, parts work, and managing day-to-day life. we don't know what we want from healing, aside from maybe feeling like a person one day.

we're sorry if this is too long, we tried to keep it as short as possible.

[Kizzie]

Welcome asdis!  No need to apologize, it's your story and that helps us to get to know you, all of you. I'm so sorry for all that you went through but am glad you have a fiance that is sticking with you and a good therapist.  With having DID you have an extra layer to deal with in recovery but it sounds like you are taking on the challenge and doing better. Quite a few of us were much older when we learned we have CPTSD and why so your age is another factor in your favour.

I hope being here will help all of you   

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us and happy to read you have a caring fiancé and a good therapist. I think it is alright not to know what you want from healing. So many of us here have only ever experienced life through our traumatised selves so we have no knowledge of life before trauma. Hence how could we even begin to know what healing might feel like? I wish you all well on your journey of discovering what works best for you.

[asdis]

thank you both 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum!