rant about identity, trauma, society, human condition, nihilism, simz n slugz

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

He was delighted in the quanta of a stonedest 5 hours
But black void knows he's pissed by now !!!
You've been cosplaying Snufkin too much, she said
And he naturally screamed
In his life
Why do I give valuable thought?
To people that don't really care
IF IM THE OPPOSITE OF REBECA PARKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

Now I realise how * stupid typology brain surgery thing is. Because by having that done to my brain, or even wanting to in any shape or form, I am still engaging in the act of giving a *, which is not charactaristic of "ideal self" at all.
Not giving a * is deemed attractive because it is connected to how a person perceives reality. Typing with abbreviations and leetspeak rather than professionally is triggering.
It may be tied into being ashamed to be a human being. Or as a reaction to how * cringe therapy is.
the emo people are annoyed at how immoral mankind is and the nerd people are annoyed at how stupid mankind is. But then if you're ideal self enough to realise how fake reality is, such categories and rules would be utterly meaningless.

I don't know what I really want. Because of all of theses traits I would be intensely ashamed of and disgusted by (because not "ideal self" enough) I later envy in others.
But I don't want to be too AI-generated.
I hate being an overpacker. Seeing strangers in public looking more minimalistic is so triggering.
The more distressed I am in general the more I become fixated on being "ideal self". What causes such distress in the first place? This * "essence". Yes of course this essence is "vague". But autism, gender dysphoria, eating disorder and childhood trauma play a significant factor.
With the state of the world and the complexity of my issue, I doubt I will heal, at all. I am losing more and more hope.

Memories of "in proportion" "healthy-looking" cOmPlImEnTs BMI 23 late 2019.
If I'm just an extraverted sensor, with a preference for feeling over thinking, core motivation is to be loved although different from a textbook definition of a two, in an intuition grip, I'd * kill myself. It has got * nothing to do with the fact you use reddit the fact you smoke weed the fact you like wikipedia rabbit holes etc. The price that comes with this pain is feeling extremely uncomfortable, extremely awkward following being reassured.
My actual nature, which is too distressing for my sense of self-worth, could be why I dislike myself so much.
Strangers walking out of my way, instead of just walking past me, is triggering.

The definition is far too hard to describe, the idea you have of it is so multi-faceted and constantly evolving, it always manifests in such unexpected ways.

The more engaged in reality the more controlled by emotion someone is the shittier everything is about them and the more AI-generated they appear. Well to my tastes anyway.

But then somehow listening to certain songs, certain stuff in general not necessarily music on its own obv, it evokes "the other side". The stuff you get so annoyed or upset if it's targeted at yourself yet somehow looks so * pretty if someone else is like that.

I'm confused. Do people under a certain age are they genuinely convinced reality is fake or do they just pretend to Be the Matrix but with the neckbeard factor looksmaxxed doon the loo because it's fashionable? Is everyone I know convinced realtiy is an illuson but Im a minority of naive realists which is why i feel so * pathetic

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

Im so electra heart in denial
I DONT WANT TO BE ELECTRA HEART
like imagine the most nerd/gamer/stoner/skater/slacker/intellectual/"chaotic academia" looking person ever but they act and behave like Electra Heart all the time, it just feels off, it would just be weird, it doesnt align
but it is also NPC of me to find that weird in the first place

I am reluctant to "unwind" with herbal tea and scented candles because it feels so girly. And also S word because it involves the senses. It's also S word to complain about cycling sweating your B B's off (I only just realised my 9-year-old self's "BB" chanting had connotations to "big boobies" which they do not want, they gotten chubby and really insecure aboot it) in torrential rain for the same reason.

Unable to leave the house without crippling doubt, dread about my self-worth, feeling poignantly inferior to people dissociating people not caring people talking about deep stuff people dressing weird people saying weird things etc, I should have been well familiar by now that all therapists will respond with is the same old "You're being too hard on yourself" "They aren't as intelligent as you" (complete * lie) "You haven't had the best start in life" talking down to me with a baby voice, the even more triggering and also pointless ineffective "It's so bRaVe AnD cOuRaGeOuS oF yOu" or smth along those lines.

I have a feeling that Max is a reflection, an incarnation pretty much, of everything I want to be like, but all of his aesthetic tastes and choices are an imitation of myself (hence the "hes the emo one and Im the non-emo one").

There are people that make observations and there are people that make enquiries. the latter is more indicative of a naive child.

feed me giant chocolate cake at happy birthday "We want you happy and healthy!"