I want to go out and try

[Echoecho]

Hello, I have CPTSD, full the end of the continuum 4F type. Numerous heavy things had happened to me over the last... well the whole year basically.

I understand I have been only interested in building relationships with people who don't actually care about my feelings, like how my inner critic or parents treat me. Or those who only want advice and confort from me but not interested in reciprocal nurturing relationships, they treat me really bad too.

But now I want to try to build some relationships and I believe with practice I can find some nurturing relationships. I'm really afraid because I have no idea how what a good nurturing caring relationship look like. I guess I'll try not to let my inner critic judge me, and I'll try to feel the fear and do it, go out and find nurturing friends. I don't know if I will still have these thoughts when my flashbacks hit. Because I'm all by myself stuck in a toxic environment with people who abandon and neglect me, who only "love" the perfect me.

I'm so deeply hurt and I can't help when I flashback to when my parent hit me and mad at me because they believe I lied. Whatever I tell myself like "you are afraid but not in danger"doesn't help. I can't stop shaking and crying when I have these kind of flashbacks.

How do you figure out if this new individual you met is nurturing and loving? How do you resist judging people without knowing them and avoid developing deeper relationship, just like how maybe you were judged by your parents every time you try to express your feelings? How do you resist the pattern?

[Darkhorse]

Hello Echoecho

You came out with something very interesting, and I should think very common, regarding a flashback where the parent thought you had lied.
Parents such as ours were great liars, they cannot handle the truth anyway. So they lashed out.
They just did not have the intelligence or capacity to think in a calm and logical manner.
Our parents were not good role models, so it makes sense that we find relating to others mind blowing, and frightening. They were not safe. So are there safe people? I think so. I know so. I have a few very high quality friends.
I do believe this is part of CPTSD; the wanting safe relationships. The nurturing we needed. I too would rather be alone than try to work people out.
It's exhausting!
So, how do we let people into our lives that are nurturing and loving? Great question.
I have gone with how my body feels around someone.
We are hyper vigilant after all. Our eyes and brains are looking for danger. Harm.
To feel that calm and warmth is rare, but it does happen.
Some people also make time for YOU.
Also it is only a few people who have these good qualities.
But there are billions of people on this earth. I am willing to believe there's a few good people amongst them.
Your feelings are valid. The right people will reflect these back to you with respect and humanity. Something our parents were devoid of.
The right people are also waiting for you to discover them.
I understand the ache of despair and also the desire to connect.

Sending my best wishes to you.

[Chart]

Hello Echo, welcome to the forum. Darkhorse put it very well. I'd also add that with Cptsd we have to learn on our own. We have to be patient and loving of ourselves while working. People are not easy for us as our models are so very messed up.
 

[Echoecho]

Hello Echo, welcome to the forum. Darkhorse put it very well. I'd also add that with Cptsd we have to learn on our own. We have to be patient and loving of ourselves while working. People are not easy for us as our models are so very messed up.
 

Hello there and thank you! Your encouragement means a lot to me!

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.
 
Finding nurturing friendships is something that I find hard to deal with.

I've started by trying to take baby steps in situations where it really does not matter much if things go badly. For instance I tend to see the same people quite regularly in the gym locker room. Instead of just changing as fast as possible and getting the heck out of there I have started trying to make conversation, or joining in an existing conversation if it is obviously just social chit-chat. Usually it goes quite well and the interaction is enjoyable. With time I have found people who chat frequently, and who notice if I am not there and ask after me. I do the same with them. It feels nice and safe but because the whole thing can remain very casual it feels quite safe. And there have been occasions where people have just blanked me or given a curt reply, but it's good to deal with that sort of thing too, and try to remember that they might just be having a bad day. It truly cannot be anything to do with me if I have only made a polite greeting. Rather than be wary of that person for ever more I will try greeting them again another time, to see if they are friendlier the next time.

Your point about judging people without knowing them is also something I struggle with. I will tend to cut and run at the first sign of trouble with someone else. So having casual interactions with people who might be a bit dismissive and then trying again another time is one way I am trying to deal with that.

I think any kind of truly close and nurturing relationship takes time so my view is that it is best to go slowly and allow time for it to flourish, if it is going to.

[Echoecho]

H

Hello, and welcome.
 
Finding nurturing friendships is something that I find hard to deal with.

I've started by trying to take baby steps in situations where it really does not matter much if things go badly. For instance I tend to see the same people quite regularly in the gym locker room. Instead of just changing as fast as possible and getting the heck out of there I have started trying to make conversation, or joining in an existing conversation if it is obviously just social chit-chat. Usually it goes quite well and the interaction is enjoyable. With time I have found people who chat frequently, and who notice if I am not there and ask after me. I do the same with them. It feels nice and safe but because the whole thing can remain very casual it feels quite safe. And there have been occasions where people have just blanked me or given a curt reply, but it's good to deal with that sort of thing too, and try to remember that they might just be having a bad day. It truly cannot be anything to do with me if I have only made a polite greeting. Rather than be wary of that person for ever more I will try greeting them again another time, to see if they are friendlier the next time.

Your point about judging people without knowing them is also something I struggle with. I will tend to cut and run at the first sign of trouble with someone else. So having casual interactions with people who might be a bit dismissive and then trying again another time is one way I am trying to deal with that.

I think any kind of truly close and nurturing relationship takes time so my view is that it is best to go slowly and allow time for it to flourish, if it is going to.

Hello! I feel so related that we share the feeling of what you said as cut and run at the first sign of trouble with someone else. It's reassuring for me to first know someone else is the same as I am in this vein. I'm not alone.

I learned that no relationship is perfect. Even the person I love, maybe when I see something's wrong with him, it's my outer critic's point of view instead of mine. Though currently I'm having a really really hard time distinguishing who some feelings belong to, me or either of my critics, in many situation where I have feelings about. But like Pete wrote in his book, I'll be more mindful and  try not to allow my outer critic hurting someone I really love.


I used to be unwilling to leave someone at all if I think they I've had a "crush" on them whether it's romantic or not, but now I'm seeing it might not do me good and I'll try to leave the unsupportive relationship if I don't feel the support or respect I deserve, instead of trying to yearn for "love" from others. Hope my powerful aura can help me effortlessly draw some loving individuals in. Still working on it regardless.

[Desert Flower]

Hello Echoecho and welcome once more.
These are all very helpful questions and comments I think.
I like how Narckiddo is consciously trying 'something new' in a safe situation and see how that plays out.
Myself, I try distinguishing people who may be nurturing to me from people who are not by trying to feel whether I feel calm with them, whether I feel I can afford to not be nice/funny/interesting etc. (that is, fawn) but instead be 'boring', laid back, being able to leave some room in between comments and see what happens. Hope that makes sense.

[Echoecho]

Hello Echoecho and welcome once more.
These are all very helpful questions and comments I think.
I like how Narckiddo is consciously trying 'something new' in a safe situation and see how that plays out.
Myself, I try distinguishing people who may be nurturing to me from people who are not by trying to feel whether I feel calm with them, whether I feel I can afford to not be nice/funny/interesting etc. (that is, fawn) but instead be 'boring', laid back, being able to leave some room in between comments and see what happens. Hope that makes sense.

Thank you for sharing! I really appreciate it. I feel your approach provides yourself with plenty of room to think and feel deeply instead of fawning immediately, I find your approach resourceful and helpful.

I imagine when we "force" us to feel calm we are less likely to be driven by the critic? We can be the real selves and allow us to enjoy the real nurturing relationships we deserve. Very practical critic shrinking technique (suppress the critic's instinct to fawn for acceptance) and I will definitely try it, since I'm also a fawn type.