Introducing Myself

[Rich]

I'm a 62 year old male, just recently diagnosed with CPTSD. Over the years I've been diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety disorder and even sleep apnea. I've had my career crash around my ears on four different occasions. I have two (possibly three) children diagnosed with BPD. And I've been through a divorce. Over the years I've seen off and on (mostly off) a half dozen therapists. A couple have been good, most have been incompetent.

When I was six my mother and elder half brother (12 years my senior and to whom I was close) passed away within a month of each other from various forms of cancer. My father, who was bipolar, basically farmed me and my younger sister out to whomever. He eventually married my mother's sister so that we could be cared for. She moved in with her two youngest sons who were older than us.  With them came incest, torment bordering on torture and other forms of abuse. The bedroom for us three boys was an old converted chicken coop that was away from the house. Our step mother made it clear that her boys (her 'babies') were favored. Our father escaped the relationship through the Army and the bottle. This was the last time that we ever lived with our father. They divorced when I was 11.

We were shipped half way across the country to our father's brother - which lasted about six months. Our uncle and his wife couldn't handle us (we were not little hellions, but pretty obedient and starved for love), so we were shipped back across the country to be placed with our mother's brother who had a farm. The incest restarted (by our cousins) as well as abuse from our uncle and neglect from our aunt (she already had her spirit beat out of her). Our uncle had been a lay leader in his church and viewed himself as the patriarch of the extended family. He had a nasty temper and felt that it was his duty to beat the 'devil' out of me as I had been conceived out of wedlock (my parents married a few months before I was born). The farm was all important to the exclusion of nearly all social activities - no sports, no scouts, no after school activities, no going to a friend's house, etc. After two years and a written plea to our father by us, our father and older half sister showed up one night and shipped us off again. This time I went to the home of my mother's friend and my younger sister went with our older half sister.

For me the sexual abuse ended. But the other abuse didn't. It turned out that the husband of my mother's friend was equally abusive. That lasted about a year, at which point I moved to my half sister's home. By this time I was a sophomore in high school. For a couple of years life was relatively normal until my half sister's husband (he was in the air force) was shipped off to Germany. I attempted to stay with a friend's family to finish high school, but it was a disaster. It was made clear that I was not a part of the family in any form. My friend's mother was very controlling and very OCD. Half way through my senior year I elected to move back to my mother's friend's home (my younger sister had already moved there). The emotional abuse restarted. On Christmas day of the year following, the husband of my mother's friend took me on a drive during which I was invited to leave the house; he gave me ten days to find a place to live - I wound up in the slums of Portland, Oregon in a dump of a studio apartment.

I eventually completed college, during which time I was married and had two children. Unbeknownst to me, my wife was dealing with BPD. Our relationship was fraught with multiple problems. Neither one of us understood how to resolve conflicts which resulted in a lot of icy silence in our home. After sixteen years and three more children we eventually split.

I did wind up remarrying, and have been married nearly 23 years. For the most part my wife has been very good to me, providing a loving environment. But has not been without it's difficulties. It was during this time that I suffered at least three career meltdowns, all of which have been the direct consequence of trauma from my childhood.

I've found a therapist that actually understands CPTSD and that I can connect to. I'm looking forward to the day that the pain can be gone.

[Lostnafraid]

Let me start by saying I am so sorry you have endured so much. I don't understand myself why or how people can be so cruel. I just know I see allot of me in this. Please stick around for support. Sending you much love from someone that understands the pain and harm that was caused to you by all of this. We are worth so much more than all of this.

[Rich]

Thank you for your kind words.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hello Rich and welcome, 

Boy, did you have to endure a lot. 
It's quite a story you've told, and you've done it clear and concise. All that, in just a few paragraphs. 

I hope and trust you'll find additional support here, next to the T you've been able to connect to. And your longtime wife of 23 years.

I hope and wish you'll feel free to share your pain and path to recovery here, and reach "the day that the pain can be gone."

Great to have you around 

,
Dutch Uncle.

[Rich]

Thank you. I'm very motivated/committed to taking care of this. It has not been easy, to say the least. Fortunately, between my wife, counselor and some friends I have a great support group.

Rich

[stillhere]

Echoing others, Rich, I think you'll find support on this site.

Your story is one more example of the chronic problem that CPTSD is for some of us.  Even decades after childhood, when we might expect to be "over" it, the symptoms recur.  Pete Walker (you might check out his book on CPTSD, if you haven't already) equates it with diabetes or other conditions that must be managed.  I'm close to your age and am hoping finally to learn the tools of effective management.  It's time.