Gaps in memory

[Alter-eg0]

Hi y'all,

A year or two ago, my parents (who were still together at the time) were organising a party, and they had asked a musician to come an play. My dad said to me: "Maybe you can sing some songs with him." To which I replied: "Maybe, what kind of songs does he play?". And my dad looked at me all confused and said, "You already know, you sang numerous songs with him last time."
At first I didn't believe him, and I was really confused. I had absolutely no recollection of this, until he pulled up the photographs. Even after seeing the photo's, no memories popped up.

Usually when you've forgotten something, you're somewhat aware that there's something you've forgotten. Or the memory can be jogged when someone tells you more about it, or shows you pictures, or whatever.

But recently i've been discovering these 'Gaps' in my memory. People will remind me of something, and I will have no clue whatsoever. Or i'll read through a diary, and have no recollection of the event I've written about, or of writing it in the first place.
I have noticed that quite a few of these things did take place in a time where I was under a lot of stress. For example, that party where I supposedly sang a bunch of songs, took place suring the time that I was admitted to a mental health clinic. But this doesn't go for all of the "memories". Some things are totally random.

It's just a strange and jarring experience, to discover that there are just "holes" in my mind that I never realized were there, and that I can't even seem to bring back the info, even with "help".
It's so weird.

Anyone else experience this?

[saylor]

I experience something similar. For example, my partner will sometimes tell me that I said something, even just days prior, that I have no recollection of saying (and sometimes, the thing I supposedly said doesn't even feel to me like something I'd say). I also occasionally discover I've robotically gone through the motions of doing things that I don't later recall the experience of, but not to the extent of completely having blanked it out if I'm reminded of it—it's more like I feel like I wasn't entirely "there" while it happened (if that makes sense). In my case, I suspect I experience, at minimum, depersonalization/derealization. I'm definitely somewhere on the pathological dissociation spectrum, anyway

I'm not trying to diagnose you, nor am I qualified to do so, but what you describe sounds a little like Dissociative Identity Disorder to me. DID is not uncommon for people who've experienced trauma

[Alter-eg0]

Thanks Saylor, I recognize that too. I'm aware that i'm prone to dissociate (not to the extent of DID though). I'm just so used to dissociating in a way that I can still sort of "be there without being there" and still have memory of it, that it's really weird to imagine having missed something completely (or having blocked it out).

[GoSlash27]

 This problem is what I *think* got me into so much trouble last week.

 I know that my childhood throughout the '80s is scrambled. We moved a lot, The reasons *why* we moved and in what time frame we lived in which house is a muddled mess. And there are many gaps in my memory around that time that scare me. The stuff I do remember from back then is bad enough. If I don't remember it, I probably don't want to.

 Not knowing what I was messing with, I tried to use clear (non- traumatic) memories associated with specific songs to pin down the timeline. Big mistake.

 This set off a 5 1/2 day long panic attack followed by random crying jags, none of which were tied to anything specific. 

 Now I have random memories bubbling up that I have never recalled before in my whole life. Most of them benign and not even related to that time. That scares me because I might have a sudden recollection of something really awful at any moment.

 At least for me, this is an area to tread very carefully, if not avoid altogether.

Best,
-Slashy

 

 

[Papa Coco]

Slashy,

I can resonate with the fear you're feeling. When I was more curious than I should have been about my own past, my T said, "I'm a fan of the brain's ability to block things until we're ready to see them." I now have a deep appreciation for why he said that. I've had unpleasant memories appear before I was ready for them before. I empathize with your current state of mind.

It's great when they appear when we're ready, but it's scary when we're not ready for them.

It can be a real tug of war in our brains to want to know the truth and then when it threatens to open up, we get scared again. It was fear that blocked the memory in the first place. I hope you can calm that part of your brain down. Maybe go into a quiet moment and tell your brain it's okay if it wants to put the memories back on the shelf for just a little while longer until you feel ready to look at them.

Just a thought: If music triggered this, maybe music can fix it. Maybe you could surround yourself with music from a happier time in your life. Music has a lot of power. It really does act as a time warp.

You're in my thoughts.
PC

[GoSlash27]

PC,
 Thanks for the kind words and support. 

 I've always led by the mantra of 'fears exist to be identified and conquered'. Identifying this fear in me, it's not a fear of the memories *themselves*. I clearly remember such awful things that no memory I've repressed could possibly be worse.
 I'm afraid of *my own reaction to* those memories, and it's not an irrational fear. Those reactions can actually be dangerous. I just need to learn how to handle this, which I will.

Thanks,
-Slashy 

[GoSlash27]

 A little silver lining that I've noticed: At least in my case and my sister's case, the traumatic memories aren't the only ones that have been buried. Our brains seem to have a haphazard way of repressing memories; not at all selective. For every traumatic memory unearthed, there seems to be a slew of benign and even *happy* memories that bubble to the surface as well; completely unrelated to the traumatic memory and many years distant.
 In my ill-advised poking around the '80s, I freed a memory from 1973 or 1974. It rose completely unbidden. It was me in the children's shelter being introduced to my foster parents and them asking me if I would like to come stay with them. I had no recollection of this memory *at all*. It was probably the happiest memory I'd had in my entire time in that place!

 My sister had a similar experience. The release of a traumatic memory from 1991 brought with it a perfectly happy memory from 1975; her in her foster parents' basement playing with her 'little people' farm, perfectly happy.

Best,
-Slashy