Immense amount of Triggers/EF's

[Dutch Uncle]

Amazing how many people feel insecure in their own house. I can so relate.
At some point I was so afraid I was going nuts for feeling this...

About a year ago I was send off the deep end by constant interfering/harassing by uHPDsis. E-mails, cards, phone calls... Leaving angry/upset messages on my answering machine, and when I wrote her I was upset by that she wrote back "I was not angry at all". It got worse and worse, she said she would be visiting a friend of hers in the town I live in...
I really got scared, I even started to look for the stalking-laws etc., because I felt there was no way I was going to get her of my back by just my own efforts. The infamous blackmail episode then also happened... It was horrid. Put on an extra bolt only front door, drew the curtains, retreated to the back room at evenings so there would not be lights showing to anybody at the front door... I was really scared she would show up in person. I was adamant in my resolve to tell her to buzz off, but I simply got nervous by the shear thought of having to defend my 'castle' on my very doorstep... Well, I would have done that from behind a closed and locked door in any case. Call the cops if she wouldn't leave. Thankfully she did not get that close...

Good grief... Only the memories of that still make me feel uneasy. EF's I guess?
And I don't feel completely save in my own house still. 

It's been quiet, for now, 8 months into NC. I only got one card from her, from her summer holidays. I threw it in the trashcan.
Things are slowly getting better.

[woodsgnome]

All of the observations in this thread I can relate to, big-time.

I chose an isolated way of life long ago, but the triggers/ef's are unpredictable and border on absurd. Except they're not absurd, they're my "normal".

I'm still learning that it's okay to be my "normal" and not someone else's. That's when I just want to stop and cry 'cause I also hate myself for feeling that way, as if any of it was my fault.

***I know this is a thread on triggers, but there are a couple of references in the next 2 paragraphs that might trigger someone else***

It gets pretty bad. I can be off in a woods, but remember a time when some bad things happened years back during a school excursion to a wooded park. That will lead to memories of the bullying on the trip to and from; that of course can bring images back of many other times and settings associated with that school; my present-day peaceful saunter can deteriorate quickly into unease.

Another time, as a young adult, I was just relaxing alongside a park trail in an urban area, when I was grabbed by a stranger I didn't know was around. Although I was able to escape, it's memory is a horrific trigger. Even when I'm around where I live, 100+ miles distant from that spot, just the woodsy setting can trigger the panic--the beauty and peace I seek destroyed. 

It's pretty bad to be triggered not just around people (almost 100% sure thing for me; afraid of everyone), but off alone. The ef's are omnipresent--whoa!!!--trigger word for me right there, and it popped in place just from that school memory--my adult abusers used that word to make you fear the deity who loved you so much he/it scrutinized everything you did 24/7 your whole life. It's awful how this stuff invades the most peaceful stroll nowadays, alone.

When I used to travel about by car more, it was habitual for me to worry whether the person in the back seat of the car 4 lanes over might not approve of me and that I better be nice; they probably don't like me. But the reality is that of course they probably never saw me in the first place.

Words, places, even peace and beauty, all triggers. If I ever wrote my autobiography, I think I'd call the book "Triggers".

Lately I've been reading lots about accepting--not tolerating, but accepting and going from there, 'cause you have to live life no matter the past. I guess I do accept that I can't stop the mind's waterfall. I just have to watch that the bad stuff doesn't pool up and stagnate when it crashes over the precipice; that I let the cascade descend into a fresh, precious stream of life going back to the sea.

So I hope we can all find that fresh stream.

[KayFly]

Hey Indigo

Thank you for your empathy and I am really glad my post could help you become aware of your own triggers, although it's not comfortable.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you, and the reason why you are afraid in your house and I TOTALLY get what you mean when you say...

I know this person isn't in the house, but when i feel she is, I know she is, there is no doubt about it if that makes sense

That makes a lot of sense to me. I can relate to the unsafe feeling of being at home.  I live a ways away from my FOO now, haven't had contact for a year, but when I first moved in with my BF, I would have dreams that they were coming after me, and I would be afraid they would kill me or find out where I live (because of all the threats involved as a child)...

At this point, if anyone messes with me, I am a big girl, and if I am not going to fight them off myself, I for sure will call the police. I recently had to report a sexual battery at a Massage Parlor.  It was really sad, really hard, and I am a bit traumatized from it, but now I have learned what to do in the future, which is do something a lot faster than last time...

But going back to being paranoid in my home, my Mom's Boyfriend actually found my phone number, after I had moved to a new city, a new home, changed my number. It was stalker-like, I blocked his number and changed my number under my BF's account now and haven't heard anything, and a lot of the fear of being in my own home has subsided. (The massage thing brought up some new fears since I reported them...afraid they would come after me, etc) But for the most part, over time, it just gets better.

I know what you mean about not feeling like you have any true home. I have felt like that my whole life. But i am grateful for a supportive partner who has given me a place to start to build a foundation on my life, and the things I want to do with it, as well as provide me with stability. I'm grateful all the time for that.

Thanks for sharing Indigo.

[KayFly]

Dutch Thanks for sharing that painful story. That sounds very severe. I relate with that strong paranoia. I remember when I was living in a studio in a more remote place, I was writing, and I recovered some kind of partial memory but definitely EF of being sexually abused when I was little. I remember shrinking into a little girl and trembling with fear, keeping my blinds closed and peering out the window, afraid to go outside, and afraid anyone would try to get in. That memory always sticks with me. For some reason I see it as more of like a precious thing, because I was being so protective of myself, in such a hard time.

I feel so gross all the time from so much abuse, but for some reason, that part of me that cares so much for my safety is kind of adorable. Kinda wieird. But thank you for sharing, and I am glad the contact with her has lessened

[KayFly]

Woodsgnome,

I am too a lover of the wilderness, and one would think it would help to be in those desolate areas after all humans have done to betray our trust and hurt us.  I'm sorry it haunts you so, and for such tragic memories.

It's like we can't really get away from those memories no matter how far we are from people. I am naturally a social person, so my fear of people has really taken its toll on my emotional well being.

I think its good you have been working on acceptance. I have too, though I also need to build on my tolerance muscle right now in order to tolerate my more "people oriented" life.

You sound quite aware of yourself. I'm sorry you hurt. 

And I too hope we can all "Find that fresh stream" as you said .

[Indigochild]

Hey KayFly

Whah, I'm sorry you have this fear too of something being inside the house and that you were threatened.
I dont remember much, but my mum did say *you always get found out!*
so i think she knows, and that she is mad. It may be all in my head however.

Sorry to hear about your incident in the massage parlour. Scary that.]
It is hard to react quickly when in shock or afraid, or when its a reminder of past traumas.

How creepy your mums bf finding your phone number etc.
Im glad its got a bit better.
Mine has too, but I'm still afraid to sleep alone or go upstairs sometimes in the day.

Sorry u also feel u dont have a true home. i have felt that way my whole life too.
That sounds really nice about your partner.
I hope you continue to build a foundation and have stability.
provide me with stability.

Indigo

[KayFly]

Hey Indigo,

Thank you for all your empathy. The home situation is getting much better as time goes on.

I'm sorry you struggle with your mom getting so In Your Head. I have a similar understanding to that from my FOO.

At first I was afraid that those creepers found my phone number, but with all the technology today, it was probably quite easy for them. I'm not worried about it anymore. I'm watching tables turn in my life. Like the man at the massage parlor, he is reported with the state and city police and Massage Council and the establishment he worked at is probably going down, since the lady who I reported it to, tried to downplay it.

No one is getting away with hurting me any more.  I don't have the tolerance.  I guess all of this has turned me into a better person in a sense. It's definitely made me very protective of myself, and I accept that keeping myself extremely safe is okay for me at this time.

Thank you for your well wishes. I hope things get better at home.

I'm glad you are on this forum. You are very kind and empathetic and honest. It's refreshing and helpful. Hope you have a good day

Karen