Hello [possible trigger warning]

[PaperDoll]

I am looking for support having recently been diagnosed and waiting to start treatment. I had survived anorexia and many traumatic experiences throughout my childhood and early adulthood. For twenty years I had suppressed these memories and managed to successfully complete my education, get into employment and get married despite struggling with depression and anxiety. Things started to unravel for me in a terrifying way following the birth of my son who is now 2 1/2 years old. I started to suffer panic attacks, dissociation and intrusive memories which have become debilitating.

It feels as if I have re-entered survival mode. I resigned from my job as I was barely able to function and my marriage has come under immense strain. I am now trying to pick up the pieces, just in the early stages of trying to come to terms with what has happened to me, heal and build a positive future for myself and my son. I love being a mother and am motivated to give my son the childhood I wish I had had. 

[Hope67]

Hi Livyacahlo,
Welcome, and I'm glad you found your way here.   
Wishing you the best for your aims to build a positive future for yourself and your son.
Hope that you'll find it helpful and supportive here.
Welcome,
Hope 

[Armee]

 

Welcome. Lots of us with similar experiences here as yours. Mine didn't start to unravel till my oldest was close to 10 though. It's good you're getting help now, while he's still so young. Ahead of the game. Way to go mom! Many great parents here with cptsd. Breaking the cycle is one of the most beautiful things we can do.

Welcome and hope you find the support you need here.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Livyacahlo. So sorry to hear of all that you are struggling with.  It's the thing that angers me the most about Complex PTSD.  We all have this layer of fear, sadness, grief and loss, not to mention some rugged symptoms to deal with on top of all that daily living calls for and I'm not certain many get this about us.  If so I think we would receive far more empathy, not to mention support, treatment and services.  Being here together and letting our posts be read is one way of raising the awareness we need for all that. 

Glad you found us 

[Papa Coco]

Hello Livyacahlo,

A warm welcome to you. The stress you're under sounds pretty intense. The people on this forum have been so kind and helpful for me and I hope they bring you some comfort also. I hope you don't have to wait too long for a therapist. I hope that having some people here to share your stress with, who understand the stress that C-PTSD brings to us, provides some comfort for you as they have for me. The people here are wonderful friends to have in our lives.

[PaperDoll]

Thank you Hope, Armee, Kizzie and Papa Coco for your support.

[Kizzie]

 

[Papa Coco]

Hi Paperdoll,


I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. In your introductory post you mentioned that you are back in survival mode. I just wanted to make sure you know that you're not alone. Whenever I am in survival mode, I can feel alone, so I'm extending a friendly wave. You're not alone.

[PaperDoll]

Hi Papa Coco,

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this message. I am feeling alone. I have been told the wait for treatment on the NHS is at least 9 months so I am trying to help myself through self-help.

I am not in contact with my family and I don't have any friends who live nearby. My husband is busy most of the time working to try and support us financially since we lost my income and I have a young child to look after.

I reached out to a couple of local support organisations for help and didn't receive a response. This has triggered feelings of abandonment and I am fighting the automatic response to isolate. 

Some things that are helping me are daily yoga, tapping, this forum (thank you!), peppermint lozenges to help ground me when I'm having EFs, drinking water, trying to get out of the house everyday. I take beta blockers for anxiety when I am struggling to leave the house. 

What helps you when you are in survival mode?

[Papa Coco]

Oh gosh. When I get into survival mode, I don't always know what to do. If you'd have asked me this question 10 years ago, I would have answered "That's easy. I drink." But in 2015 I went through rehab and now I can't hide from myself anymore.

I have no contact with my family anymore either. I hate them and miss them at the same time. I haven't spoken to or seen any of them since 2010.

I worked for my employer for 42 years but was forcibly retired in 2020 due to COVID and some other corporate shortfalls. When I lost my job, I lost most of my friends.

My wife still works, so I get a lot of quiet lonely time most days.

This forum helps. I can connect with good people at any time night or day.

Your yoga and tapping are a good plan. You have small ones at home, so your methods will differ a bit from mine. I get a lot of quiet lonely time at home. I meditate. I pray. I read. I listen to good books. I write. I watch documentaries on life-after-death, happiness, infinity, aliens...anything that takes me out of the sorrows of this chaotic world.

I have a yard that always needs some work. It can take a few days for me to get out of my depression enough to pick up a tool and dig into the garden, but once I start, I can get some real momentum. It helps. Music is often a big help. I put on headphones or lay between two speakers and play whatever songs I can remember once made me happy.

When I isolate for too many days, or when I get too down, I force myself to get to a store and try to make a stranger smile. I can always buy a head of lettuce or a soft drink, and then I can say something kind to the cashier. If I can make someone smile, I feel like it breaks the loneliness for me. If I can make someone happy with just a smile, I become happier myself. Maybe that's what they mean when they say to "be the love I want to receive." The more I give simple attention to strangers the less I feel like I'm the only person in the world who knows I exist. I like making strangers smile because with strangers, there are no strings attached. Friends sometimes want to help me too much. That's annoying too. Just simple smile and asking, "how are you doing today?" sort of pulls me and out of my own lonely state.  [tip: One of my favorite cashier jokes is, when they ask, "How are you today?" I answer "I'm great. How could I not be when I'm in the second happiest place on earth?" And I point around at the store we're in. They almost always laugh].

I admit it's not always easy to pull up and out of the survival mode.

There are a lot of good folks on this site who might have better ideas than I've got.

Thank you for being open about how you're feeling. It makes it more okay for me to share how I'm feeling too.

[PaperDoll]

Hi Papa Coco,

Thank you for sharing too. It sounds positive the things you are doing to help yourself. You have inspired me to listen to music more.