Different neglect at different ages.

[Mary Ann]

Up to the age of seven I wouldn't have appeared neglected.
My older, mentally unstable Mother dressed me in fussy expensive dresses which she thought cute.
If you looked past the frilly dresses and knee socks though, you'd see my teeth were neglected.
I was given a diet of sweet things, and M didn't ever insist on proper foods, or make me clean my teeth. Small children need supervision for things like teeth brushing, or at least reminding, but that never happened. I had fillings in my teeth by seven (with no pain relief...whole other story), and gum disease by eight.
You could say when I was small, she gave attention to the things that were visible and that she was bothered about, but not the important stuff.
I was given calamine lotion to drink because my M didn't read the label on the bottle.
I had an injury that should have had medical attention, but I wasn't taken to a doctor.
Between age 7 and 9 or so, I was often left alone in the house.
At times my grandma lived with us, but she was elderly and seldom even spoke to me, and it was always implied that I had to keep my eye on HER.
The day she fell in the garden, I didn't know what to do. I was scared, she was lying on the ground moaning and couldn't get up, and at nine I felt like I'd be in trouble if an ambulance came, or if my family came home and she'd gone to hospital.
Because my grown up sister lived with us for a while, she at least reminded me to clean my teeth and cut my nails at this time.
I was an extremely anxious child, and clingy, but I was left locked in cars alone and left on board a train in a busy city centre station while my 'carer' disappeared off into the crowds...the train almost left without her.
Because I only had a bath perhaps once a fortnight, I was dirty, my hair was often slick with grease.
Once I got my period, the hygiene got really bad.
I knew about periods, but no one had explained that you had to stay clean and change sanitary products. Because of this, and because my underwear was too small and tight, it rubbed and I got sore irritated skin. When I bled on my school trousers, I just dried them overnight and wore them next day. Luckily they were black, but sometimes they'd get stiff and obviously they smelled.
Once time and only once, I went for a sleepover at my friends house.
I remember I wouldn't take of any of my clothes, I slept all night fully dressed in school uniform, because if I took anything off, I was worried she'd find out how dirty I was.
My school clothes were mens...I wore my dads shirt, and old fashioned mens trousers, my Mothers bras. Most clothes came from jumble sales or were handed down.
It's amazing, because my Mother would spend money on drink, ...but she also let me have horse riding lessons....but my clothes were appalling. Most parents would make sure the kids have good shoes and coats before they'd spend money on treats, wouldn't they?
Because I was passed around to absolutely anyone who'd babysit when I was young, I was left with some unsafe people.
From eleven my parents went away for 4/5 days at a time and left me home. This happened regularly several times a year..
At first, an elderly neighbor came to spend the night....8-8 in the morning....then she'd leave till next night. It was the school holidays, and so I was alone for entire days...cooking for myself.
By thirteen, no one checked in on me...I just stayed alone.
This was the kind of care you'd arrange for a pet cat! Not a child. Someone to check in on it....every so often.
At ages 9/10 and up, my Mother worked a lot, so noone was home in the morning or when I returned from school. I'd get up and go to school without seeing anyone, sometimes I ate breakfast or brushed my hair but not always. When M worked during the school holidays, she'd leave me jobs to do in the house.
One family member who no one trusted, was trusted to take me on a long journey....5 hours by car...
We were a hundred miles from my home when he stopped in an isolated place to sexually assault me.
I was about 12, and I thought he was going to kill me.
In my mid teens, I developed an eating disorder and suicidal ideation, it was obvious I was depressed.
(No surprise looking at the abuse really)
My parents didn't take me to a doctor....I had no help at all.
My Mother told her friends she'd got me help, but she didn't....I mean, she didn't take me to a dentist after age 8....so a doctor or therapist was certainly out of the question!
(I had absolutely no dental care between ages 8-26! when I got pregnant)
When I disclosed previous  sa during my teens, my parents never sought help or advice or reported it.
As a small child, my toys were thrown away, I got home from school aged 6/7 and my pet rabbit was gone. She'd given him away to a family up the street. I was upset, but I couldn't act as upset as I felt because she'd be angry with me. When I tearfully asked if I could have him back, my Mother said she'd given him away because I didn't clean him out ( small kids can't do this alone!)
She also said that the kids he'd been given to would be upset if their new rabbit was taken away.
I recalled this day to my grown up sister when I was a teenager. Heartlessly, she told me the rabbit had been found starved to death in its hutch, because the new owner hadn't looked after it.
Mum told her not to tell me, so she'd waited till I was a bit older....
It's hard to explain to someone I feel neglected. Because I had food, and a house, and clothes even if it was inadequate....I didn't starve.
And it all depended on the age I was and the mood of my Mother, whether she could be bothered or not. At several points my grown up sister was almost my main caregiver, she was certainly a real attachment figure...though often hurtful she was consistent.
When she left home and moved away, I was left alone with a mother who was really unstable and who I was scared of. She moved out of the family home and then back into it after several years a few times. I remember the feeling of utter desolation as a tiny child that she was gone.
Looking back this was as much abandonment as if she'd been my actual Mother.
I could go on, but it's boring, and not cheerful.
It's certainly left me feeling like I'm not like other people, there's shame, I don't like what I was and am or where I've come from.

[DevinEvePhoenix]

There's so much here that I can identify with. My Papa died when I was a baby and my mother was profoundly neglectful. She married our stepfather when we were almost 3.
I remember climbing on the roof of the house when we were 3. Slicing my foot open by playing in the ditch by the road and stepping on a broken bottle when I was 4, and babysitting my baby brother when I was 5. There were never stitches, unless the injury was visible.
We were dressed so prim and proper for church three times a week, but it was all about appearance and not reality. We sang about love in church, but were ignored to the extent of our stepfather openly coming into the bedroom at night.
She had no concept of protective factors and no attachment to us at all. (Look at me using my big girl therapy words! Lol)
We actually bonded with Grandma, after our father died, but we were separated from her when our mom married. I'm pretty sure the separation anxiety I'm feeling with my therapist is about losing my Grandma, and not my m.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate this reflection as it resonates - the neglect and abuse for me did shift with my age. 

[CraneWings]

Mary Ann, that sounds like a lot of pain for you. I appreciate you sharing your story.

I can personally relate to your untreated teeth for several years. My dad was the main point of conflict on this topic, and while not as severe, my teeth do stand out as miscoloured and overcrowded with some fully out of alignment. For me, it's the anticipation of showing them to someone and how it might affect my reputation with them, more than showing them. If I meet you in real life, I'll laugh loudly and smile often. But if I met you online, I'll keep my mouth closed in every picture. A maximum of one online friend knows how my teeth actually look, and I'm so insecure about the reveal that I won't arrange meetings with any until I've had them completely restored.

[marti.325]

I come from neglect and emotional abandonment and suffer from CPTSD. This stuns and shocks me nonetheless. Horrible that no one was there for you, not even Social Services or a neighbor or someone at school didn't report it! I am outraged! You have gone through a war. You have gone through persistent attacks on your psyche, your soul.
There was a time I didn't understand why my life looked like it did, why I couldn't pursue what I wanted to, why I didn't have someone to love, why no one really seemed to care about me, contacted me to do things, didn't invite me for dinner, why I had no money, why I went through such severe depressions I didn't want to live, I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. When I discovered that neglect and any horrors I went through was the cause at least then I understood that I didn't have to blame myself, me-myself-and-I were NOT the cause. There was a REASON why I was going through what I was going through.
I wish  you all the Love and Care in the Universe to come to you with help and the strength that you have already to help yourself as well. You are a Survivor. You will learn to Thrive as well!