Hi from the UK! Struggling with restlessness, depression and lack of purpose

[grz]

Hi from the UK! Struggling with restlessness, depression and lack of purpose

Hello! I've been putting off posting for a few days, not entirely sure why as everyone seems super supportive. Hopefully with the power of anonymity and my safe space (my computer haha) I'll feel ok being open and honest about myself 

Anyway my story. I'm 36, male, living in the UK (I see a few of us here ) I've been in therapy for anxiety, depression and attachment disorders (specifically limerence, not a widely known term yet though) for the last 9 months, plus a few times before that, but recently stopped/paused. Along with all the side reading about CPTSD - which my therapist first 'diagnosed' me with - I got to the point where I'd learnt tons about what where my feelings originate from and even managed to cultivate some self-compassion for my wounded parts... but I started to lose hope. It seems like psychoeducation and understanding alone isn't enough.

I felt frustrated that we were just covering the same ground around my mum and the object of my limerence without seemingly helping me feel any better. I was regularly feeling anxious going into the sessions, and depressed in the time between them. Basically my emotions didn't seem to have calmed down at all and the mood swings were as strong as ever. Maybe this is all normal and I should've carried on but it was draining if I'm honest, going in every time explaining that I was anxious and rehashing stories about how my parents treated me and my sisters.

My mum was always in a hurry, even though she never went anywhere or met anyone. She always seemed to be doing something round the house and never spent time with any of her children. When I was growing up, she often yelled at me for being 'in the way' even though I was only trying to get some food or watch TV. She was never happy to see me - my presence only seemed to interrupt whatever she was doing and annoy her. I remember well the look on her face when she realised I wanted her attention - irritation and contempt, if not outright anger. As well as some of her favourite  catchphrases "what do you want now?", "just stay out of the way, ok?" and "that was really stupid of you" - that last one came out when i spilt my drink, or dropped and broke something. Still a bit of a trigger for me now. My therapist hit the nail on the head when he said 'so you were maintained, rather than loved.'

She had a very short fuse. She yelled at my dad a lot and he snapped back (when they weren't fighting, he was either away with work or napping on the sofa), and I remember lying in bed in tears wondering if it would ever stop. They never offered to play with me and didn't notice if I was upset or anxious. I got bullied at school too - they didn't notice that either. I think I mentioned it once, and got some pity maybe. I wonder now why they even had children (mum is religious so maybe that's part of it), when she didn't want them around because they 'got in the way'.

I didn't recognise this as emotional abuse at the time of course but that's how I think of it now. I had rock-bottom self-esteem and failed to keep any friends through high school. I got no attention from the girls, except to be mocked. The boys mainly ignored me but some were aggressive and a few were physical against me. To stay safe I spent break times in the empty school library. I felt so alone. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. That empty, hollow feeling of having no place and no purpose has never gone away really even though today I have plenty of friends.

Those years at school are where my limerence began - I became fixated on one stunning, beautiful girl who above all the others could 'save me'... if only she knew how much I felt for her. I fantasised endlessly about ways I could win her attention and approval, and a mere split second of eye contact with me was enough to send my heart soaring and my emotions racing. During the time we were at school together she broke my heart dozens of times by flirting with other boys, while she barely knew who I was. Over the years the target of these ruminations has moved from one woman to another and today I struggle with these obsessive thoughts and fantasies for a co-worker of 7 years. I get triggered all the time by seeing women I find attractive, probably because growing up the pretty and popular girls were such a source of misery and desperation for me.

Like a lot of us here I imagine people would say I have a successful life. I've a good job, a house, a beautiful wife and a baby on the way. I want to put the past in the past, and feel as truly loved and accepted as I am. But I am just so restless all the time. And when I'm not restless I'm in a depression recovering from the overload of cortisol or adrenaline or whatever it is. And any interaction with my co-worker has the potential to send my feelings out of whack for weeks. I basically spend my time trying to distract myself from these mood swings and intrusive thoughts with video games/TV/podcasts/etc. Fortunately I've never relied on any substances.

Wow I didn't intend for this intro to be so long but it just kind of all came out! I think it felt good getting so much off my ches.t Might as well leave it there haha. I guess by joining a community like this I'm hoping I'll be able to relate to people more deeply and maybe feel for the first time that maybe someone appreciates what I've gone through.

Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to getting to know people here

[NarcKiddo]

Hello and welcome from a fellow UK resident. 

On the issue of therapy, it may be that you have not yet found the right therapist, or it may be that you didn't give it enough time.

I have been doing therapy for a little over a year. Progress is painfully slow and it often feels like one step forward and eight steps back. My therapist warned me that deep-seated childhood issues do take a long time to work through. The unhealthy coping mechanisms have been there a long time (in my case for more than half a century!). I've noticed a few times so far that the times when I am ready to throw in the towel usually happen just before a good step forward. I've also noticed that it is hard to spot progress along the way. Much like if you are trying to lose weight you do not notice daily changes, as with my therapy I have been able to look back at how I felt when I started it and notice positive changes. Journaling helps with this and whether or not you go back to therapy I would suggest you consider giving it a go. I wasn't entirely convinced when my therapist suggested it, but it is helpful. Sometimes just writing something down to get it off your chest can help, and then you can forget about it.

Looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

[dollyvee]

Hi grz,

Welcome to the forum  I hope you find what you need here.

I echo what NK said about potentially having the right therapist. Your experience sounds similar to my first therapist where it just felt like spinning my wheels and just feeling endlessly frustrated. Perhaps a trauma informed therapist or someone practising EMDR/brainspotting etc might be more beneficial? I went through four therapists over the years before I found a good fit.

I can relate to what you wrote and have recently learned about limerance. It was only last year too that I became conscious that I was going into relationships with this kind of fantasy/hope in my mind as it was such an integral part of who I was, but I think it helped me survive a very difficult situation growing where things might have turned out very differently. I'm reading Trauma and Dissociation Informed IFS at the moment and the author says that it's those who learned to dissociate that survived better.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Hello and welcome

I spent part of my childhood in the UK...

There are similarities between how you were treated by your M and how I was treated by mine, like "you're in the way" and that sort of emotional abuse. I'm sorry you got that too. But glad you found the forum.

Hope to see your around the forum. 

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome grz  I haven't heard the term limerance before but it makes sense in the ream of symptoms survivors suffer from. We want to be loved as we never were, to feel like we are special and safe. It seems a lot like my wanting to be recognized and loved as a good girl by my parents and short of that, anyone who would save me from feeling so bad about myself. I so wanted to be loved and if that was by attracting the attention of the 'best' person around so much the better.

It sounds like you are loved and liked these days and maybe recognizing/feeling you've actually gotten what you needed and don't need to win over anyone is part of what a therapist can help you with. I don't know if it's quite the same thing but it took me a long time to realize emotionally I didn't need to win my parents love anymore, I had what I needed in my own family.   

[grz]

Thankyou all, I'll think again about therapy, as you say one of the issues is how hard it is to track progress! I have been thinking of EMDR actually maybe I'll have a look.

[Kizzie]

    ENDR can help with engaging the whole of your brain to unstick you from the rut of symptoms that hold tight to us or so I found.  I didn't do well the first two times I tried it but that was on the T's as they didn't do any grounding for safety and went right into the heart of my trauma.  So, it's important to make sure (IMO) you find an experienced T.

Here's a helpful article by a well known trauma T - https://drarielleschwartz.com/emdr-therapy-for-complex-ptsd-dr-arielle-schwartz/.  ANd if you Google EMDR and Complex PTSD there are loads of articles.

Good luck!