Repairing the Harm Done to US: Acknowledgment, Apology and Amends

[Kizzie]

In her new book Truth and Repair: How Trauma Survivors Envision Justice" Judith Herman invites the community and others to simply ask survivors what they want from their abuser and society at large. As per the article "What Should Justice Look Like for Trauma Survivors? Ask Them" , basically it comes down to "Acknowledgment, apology and amends."  Seems simple enough but most of us have not had any of these in our lives. Herman calls for the things we cherish most in our recovery but do not expect to receive.  Maybe it's time we started thinking we can get these for ourselves, that there is a way for others to make amends and repair the harm done to us. 

[Sprinkles]

As someone who avoids anything trauma inducing, I want to be left alone, I have no desire to interact or listen to the why people caused me trauma. My main reason is there is no justifiable reason for the damage they caused.

[NarcKiddo]

I identify with what Sprinkles wrote. I guess I would appreciate acknowledgement from society at large, but they cannot apologise or make amends, obviously.

I've discussed apology with my therapist as I have a visceral horror of it. My mother once apologised for an outburst when I was about eight. But because I refused to say I forgave her it then went very bad. Apology feels dangerous and I want no part of it. I think I simply cannot comprehend what genuine apology and amends might be like.

[Kizzie]

I absolutely agree, even broaching the subject with my NM would bring about more trauma rather than any kind of resolution. She is just not capable of understanding what she has done to my B and I or the necessity of apologizing in any genuine kind of way. She's 93 and is still doing her N thing with my B who is supporting her as her health declines with terminal cancer. Nope, not even going to try. 

Herman though talks a lot about the need for the community and justice system to acknowledge and support survivors, not just perpetrators. Both in her opinion have failed us, and it is because of that we often feel isolated, discarded, ashamed, worthless. This I AM passionate about working towards. Her main thesis is:

"Justice in some form is necessary in order to heal the victim's profound sense of humiliation and abandonment by her community. For this reason, the pursuit of justice, with the promise to restore respect for the victim's humanity, must be a major part of the process of healing from psychological trauma." (p. 53)

IMO we must make every effort to come out from behind the closed doors where our abuse was perpetrated and demand an end to the silence, secrets and shame. I take a page from the book of the Vietnam vets who were treated abysmally when they got back from war and simply refused to take it. They demanded that their PTSD be understood by the medical, community and government systems they dealt with. And they demanded they be treated with dignity and respect. They (mostly) got it in the end because they refused to be ignored and/or treated as though they should be ashamed in some way.

It's a tough road though. As Bessel van der Kolk acknowledges in The Body Keeps The Score:

"We don't really want to know what soldiers go through in combat. We do not really want to know how many children are being molested and abused in our own society or how many couples--almost a third as it turns out-- engage in violence at some point during their relationship.... We want to believe that cruelty occurs only in faraway places...." (pp. 11-12).

Just my thoughts but societal acknowledgment and support, justice enacted and I would add accessible, effective medical treatment and services would go a long way to making amends for the harms done to us. Just talking here openly is demanding that we not be cast into isolation, that it is okay even necessary to open those closed doors. 

[NarcKiddo]

I think it is so hard partly because we have internalised the message that we are not worthy of care. The vets could stand up and say 'We risked our lives and lost our health; you owe us.' I can't say that. And at some visceral level I guess I feel my treatment was acceptable because my own mother did it. And nobody told me it was wrong. I fully agree the door needs to be opened, but it's a darn heavy door! Still, enough of us pushing will get it open.

[Kizzie]

When I picture little kids going through what we did and doing what we needed to to survive, I see little warriors, I really do. The vets fought an 'enemy' (questionable politically I know), but so too did we, and a more insidious 'enemy' when you think about it.

Like van der Kolk suggests, no-one wants to think about the vets or abused kids or for that matter human trafficking and all the other inhumane things humans do to one another. It is a heavy door I agree but I personally don't want to be ignored or shamed or silent anymore. I see what other warriors like us go through to open it - BLM, #MeToo, domestic violence/coercive control survivors -- and it is discouraging to a degree but I feel like they are making headway. And even one person can have a huge impact -- like Chanel Miller -- the Stanford victim of rape who wrote a book "Know My Name". She did not want to be the anonymous victim. Her words were so powerful the book was a NYT bestseller.

Anyway, I feel like we are doing our bit here by letting those who are brave/principled enough to look behind the closed door. By talking to one another and letting others read our posts I too think (hope) we are beginning to push that big fricking door.     

[Sprinkles]

I would like to see societal acknowledgement. Once we achieve that, I would like to see action taken to thoroughly investigate when a survivor reaches out for help. Also allow the survivor to go somewhere safe during investigation so they are not abused or forced to retract their statement.

This situation has happened to me as a child and adult. It's terrible to have that helpless feeling and believe that no one cares.

I hope if there is enough awareness and action taken, it will be harder for abusers to get away with traumatizing children and adults.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry for what you went through Sprinkles, far too many children and adults have experienced being dismissed, left in unsafe environments, and  blamed and shamed. 

I have been watching some domestic/violence/coercive control Youtube videos lately and I am heartened by some of them.  For example, coercive control is acknowledged in so many countries now.  It's like trying to get Narcissistic abuse (much like CC) in the public, medical and police/judiciary psyches, so easy to brush off if you don't see blood and bruises. But it's been recognised in a lot of countries now and I take hope from that.  It is possible to educate people about abuse that isn't necessarily visible on the outside.

I hope my son will look back and wonder how abuse/neglect was ever allowed to happen, that the door will have been pushed open far enough that his generation and those after him will see the reality of abuse/neglect anymore.

[CactusFlower]

I agree with Sprinkles, societal acknowledgement is critical to us ever getting the help we need and to normalizing not staying silent. I don't want an apology or amends because I don't honestly care if that person is sorry, and they can never make up for what they did. But I think breaking the silence is key to seeing exactly how pervasive the problem is and what needs to be done about it.

[Kizzie]

Oh I like your avatar Cactus Flower!  (I am a tea drinker.)

For sure no more silence!  And along with that no more secrets or shame. 

I am not interested nor would I ever get an apology or even acknowledgement of my abuse and that's fine now that I have gotten past wanting/needing that. It doesn't mean I don't still have a deep wound that would be healed to a degree if society were to see and acknowledge the harm, the damage and how lasting it is. From that will flow (I think/hope) treatment, services, support, and perhaps even a sense of dignity, maybe even pride for surviving the unthinkable.   

[Sprinkles]

I am in complete agreement with you, Kizzie.  Thr person who had me had plenty of opportunities to say something meaningful.  She got breast cancer and then she wanted to apologize. It wasn't  because she sincerely was. It was hoping that I would join the sympathy brigade and use and exploit me more. I said I want to be left alone. I was in my 30's, busy raising my own children..

I think breaking the silence and having support is necessary.  Unfortunately, survivors are in danger of people preying on them to further abuse and exploit because of a messed up statistic (stereotype) that survivors repeat the cycle and tend to get in abusive relationships because its what they're used to.

I look forward to when we stand up for ourselves and prevent future generationd ending up like us. Nobody deserves to experience what we have.

[Kizzie]

I think you touch on an important point about safety and support. I've always said we need to be ready to choose who to reveal to and how much. Who and when we break the silence with and having support to do so are key to my mind.  It's taken me since 2014 to feel up to doing so and so I would never push anyone - it can be re-traumatizing.  We have to feel safe and that we can handle the vulnerability it can bring.  At some point though I believe we do need to share the burden and in doing so help make the wound smaller and hopefully add to the effort to prevent abuse/neglect from happening to others. You're so right when you say that no-one deserves to experience what we have.