New to the forum

[storyworld]

Hello, all,

Hopefully, I'm posting in the right place. I'm a year into therapy and have trouble answering these types of questions. I'm still unpacking my childhood, and much of it is jumbled in my head–bits of images and video clips with stretches of a no memory but rather a general sense of darkness. I hope it's okay if I share lightly here. Honestly, I still struggle to talk to my therapist, and to talk  or think about unfun stuff at all. But I can share that both of my parents were horrifically abused, and they never healed or learned other ways of engaging or parenting. My therapist indicates I have disorganized attachment. I am also just coming to understand some of my reactions and allow myself to acknowledge that they have childhood roots, and that I have, as my therapist puts it, "word to do". (It feels like to say things/type things make them more real.)

As far as what I have been doing or hope to do for healing ... I'm reading the Body Keeps Score, and my therapist and I are working through the Legacy of Trauma. (Honestly, both cause significant anxiety and so I have to read in small bits.) My therapist and I are tiptoeing as we've realized I have, it appears, a very small window of tolerance. As to what I hope for, I'd like to go back to shut everything off, pretend I'm not so messed up, and while I'm married to an amazing man who has played a huge role in my healing so far (the first human I'd ever trusted), outside of him, I'm not entirely sure I want relationships. Although, if you knew me in real life, you would think I had a lot of friends.

As to what I hope to gain through this community, to not feel so weird, and maybe to gain some understanding of myself by coming to understand the experiences of others.

[Armee]

Definitely not weird. I'm nodding along to all of your story like I could have written it. Welcome! 

[storyworld]

Thank you, Armee.

[Not Alone]

A warm welcome, Storyworld. You are welcome to share as much or as little as you would like.

I've been triggered by therapy books too. In fact, I recently gave a bunch away because I could never finish reading them. Going slowly with your therapist sounds wise.

[Kizzie]

Hello and a warm welcome to OOTS storyworld     Like Armee, I could have written your post to describe myself, especially the feeling of wanting to go back to when I didn't quite know I was traumatized and when I could easily dissociate.  I can't do that (dissociate) any more so I must learn to tolerate the memories and make my window bigger.  It helps having a partner and a therapist who get it and having a community here where we can share and everyone gets it.  Before I was so alone and when I couldn't      keep the pain away it was awful.  At least now I have comfort and support and understanding and I hope you come to feel that way too. 

  Group hug if that's OK.

[Moondance]

Hi storyworld,

A warm welcome to you to an extremely supportive and caring group of people.  That is and has been what I have experienced on this forum.

Yes, yes, yes I can so relate to your post.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome.

Your post resonates.

I am not surprised to hear you are finding some difficulties with therapy books. I think they are generally great, but I find them difficult at times and find it very helpful to have a therapist to bounce things off. After I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother", which is an excellent book, I diagnosed myself as a full-blown Borderline Hermit and my therapist had to talk me down from that.

I'm glad you have a supportive husband. Many people with childhood struggles can end up with someone less than suitable and it just makes life so much harder.

[Kizzie]

Hi Storyworld - As Armee wrote about in response to another post of yours, dissociation can range from mild to severe and may not be something you use at all.  You are trying to be present, you're here at OOTS and you very concerned with being the best mother you can be which does not sound like your mother.

Many of us though try various things to blunt our emotions because they are so painful - like drinking or using drugs, working all the time, working out obsessively, etc., anything to make the feelings and thoughts go away.  When I first started to recover I dove into trauma  wanting to just be done with it all and found out rather quickly I had to go slowly, take my time or else the trauma would overwhelm me, trigger me.  I had to learn as it sounds like you are doing how to calm myself because inevitably there will be things that trigger us like going to court for the teen in your daughter's care.  I had to figure out over time what my triggers were, what caused me to freeze or fight (or flee or fawn) and why and what I could do about it now in the present. 

I see myself as an ongoing project basically and have come to accept (mostly) that my past will always be with me and there are times it will cause overwhelm and triggering more than I am capable of dealing with at the time (which is why I say I miss dissociating, being able to go away from the intrusive thoughts, anxiety and depression and just be numb). 

There are some posts/discussions about dissociating here that may be helpful - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=166.0. There are also some good articles at Pete Walkers site - https://www.pete-walker.com/.

[storyworld]

Kizzie, thank you for the links and resource recommendation. I'll read those posts this week.

[Papa Coco]

Welcome Storyworld,

I'm glad you found this forum. I'm sorry you needed it but glad you found it.

I'd like to comment on where you said you hope it's okay that you share "lightly" here.

Yes. It's very okay to go at your own, comfortable pace. Please feel free to disclose as little or as much as you feel comfortable sharing. When my friends are suffering, I like to tell them, "I want to hear what you want me to hear. Nothing more and nothing less." That's how the people on this forum have treated me these last nearly two years.

Also, there's a common habit on this forum that a lot of us get into moods where we really want to tell more, so we do. Then, anxiety rears its ugly head. We panic because we feel like we exposed too much of ourselves, so we go back into the post and delete it. This forum gives us the ability to delete posts we've already posted. I'm very grateful for that feature. I know that I never needed to delete any of my deep posts, because the people on this forum are awesome, but anxiety is anxiety. I deleted them anyway because I was hyperventilating after posting. So be aware that if you do share more than you feel comfortable sharing, you can delete it to help with your anxiety.

I have been dealing with my CPTSD since 2005. I've come to the point now where I can verbalize it pretty well, but I remember the early years. I couldn't keep a thought running without dissociating to the point that I sounded like a babbling crazy person. During those early years, I couldn't share openly. It drove me into anxiety and dissociation. So I truly respect your comment that you want to share lightly.

I hope you find this forum to be as comforting and welcoming as I have found it to be. The people here are genuinely kind and understanding.

Welcome!

[Kizzie]

   Well said Papa Coco 

[storyworld]

Papa Coco,
Thank you for your reply. I found it comforting as I did, yesterday, delete a comment and the details of a post. It feels comforting to know I am not alone in some things I feel.

[Sprinkles]

It's wonderful that you are able to start the journey of healing. The good part of therapy is not one size fits all. All steps big and small add up.  It takes a lot of strength and courage to take the first step.

I can relate to in real life seeming to be more social. I believe as for myself that it's a considerate defense mechanism. Keeping the trauma locked away and not wanting to spread the misery.

Best wishes on your journey.

[storyworld]

Thanks, Sprinkles.