Returning after long break

[Phoebes]

Hello everyone, I'm not brand new but returning after a long while. It's nice to "meet" you all, and I'm sorry we have these things and needs in common. For a long time I felt like I had healed enough to not talk too much about it anymore, or that talking about it was prolonging it. I don't know, it may be that talking with fellow adult children of abusive people will always be a need through ups and downs, ins and outs. I try not to dwell, but then things like the holidays creep up on me.

A little about me currently- I am one month sober and loving it! I'm not in "recovery", but I am reframing the way I view alcohol. I'm in my 50's and trying to learn new skills and create a career I actually like. Still in the early stages of that. I live alone, never married or had kids, have an amazing dog who is old and struggling.

Both parents have high N traits. I've been NC with NM for almost 8 years, but occasionally run in to her. VLC with EnND and NC with NSM for years as well. I think right now having a small amount of contact with all of them it's taking a toll on my mental health but I don't have it in me to officially go completely no contact either.

Anyway, thank you for listening and I appreciate so much having a place to interact with fellow abuse survivors. I've been experiencing a lot of SI lately and just looking for a way to reach out. I've never had good experiences with "lifelines."

[Armee]

Hi Phoebes.  Welcome back. I think I must have joined after you left. I'm sorry the holidays have triggered emotions to the point of feeling SI. I'm glad you are reaching out here and talking about it.

I relate to how you feel about NC. Contact with my mom was killing me but fully cutting contact would have been even worse, due to my specific triggers and traumas. My only option was waiting for her death. Sounds terrible but it was only then that I could find any relief. In the meantime I tried everything under the sun to make it bearable. So hugs to you, if you want them. It sucks. 

[Phoebes]

Thanks so much, Aimee. I'm sorry your mom has passed but I understand the complicated feelings that come with that. I'm glad to hear it can bring relief. I've been no contact for eight years and the beginning few years of that were very very difficult. I question whether it was a good choice but it was so unbearable I didn't feel like I had a choice.

Now the only time I run into her is once or twice a year at my niece and nephews functions. We say hello and are pleasant but don't sit together or interact much. Also she sends me a birthday card which is uncomfortable to me. I guess part of me still wishes it could improve. I know that's not how it works based on all of the research and advice I have gotten. When I ran into her the other day at Nies's function  it seem to ease some tension just to be pleasant. It is so much and such a long journey. In reality she's throwing me under the bus and made up stories about me that don't represent the true story. Anyway I'm sure you know the scenario.

[CrackedIce]

It's been a few years but my mom used to send me and my family birthday cards as well, including cash for my children who she's never met.  Felt like a violation, as if a stranger was trying to buy their way into my family.  Or worse, someone who I explicitly was leaving out of my life was trying to wriggle their way back in, or at the very least pretend that nothing's happened.  I often just return-to-sender'd them, I think once I actually cashed the cheque and donated it to the kids help phone

Anyways, pleasure to meet you! 

[Blueberry]

Welcome back, Phoebes! I remember your name.

I'm with you on the VLC but not having it in me to go NC, yet. This FOO stuff is so hard. Hope to see you around the forum again.

[Phoebes]

Thanks, crackedice and blueberry! (I remember you, too!)

I've managed to be pretty strict with my no contact with my mom. She has reached out to me a few times in various ways and I have not responded over the years. But I decided I don't want to miss the kids stuff just because she might be there. Her vibe is definitely different and calmer for those brief times, but I can't help but remember how she has pretended like she never said or did anything, or went overboard to ruin my life, or how she has twisted the story to make me sound like someone who is simply holding grudges from the past and can't forgive . Once I remember that I get angry again. My feelings have definitely gotten a lot more flat over the years.

[Not Alone]

Phoebes, I remember you. Welcome back. Glad you are reaching out. I'm sorry that you are experiencing so much pain that you are experiencing SI.

Congratulations on one month sober.

[Phoebes]

Hi Not Alone! I remember you as well. Thanks for your response and for the encouragement !

[Hope67]

Hi Phoebes,
Welcome back and wishing you the best for 2023.
Hope