First manifestation of trauma

[Bermuda]

I am just curious. When you look back on your very first trauma disorder symptoms, outwardly noticeable, what were they? Did you know at the time that it was trauma related?

For me it was extreme social anxiety and obsessiveness. It probably really got bad at about 12. I secretly set strict boundaries for myself, and did things in distinct sequence, and stuck to intense schedule. No one seemed to notice.

My social anxiety led me to tears publicly. The thought of conversation would make me physically sick. I had an extreme fear of talking to anyone.

Also, pulling hair, picking at nails. I was undeniably anxious all the time.

I had no idea that it was trauma related.

[milkandhoney11]

It's hard to say when my trauma related symptoms really started so I am afraid I can't give you any approximate age. Since my life has been filled with so much trauma, pain and anxiety even from the earliest weeks of life, I am finding it really hard to distinguish between aspects that actually belong to me and others that come from the trauma. I'm not quite sure how to explain this properly, but I am still confused what parts of my experience are CPTSD, neurodivergence, or simply character traits.
What I can say is that all the things you described resonated with me:
I had and still have terrible social anxiety. I think my social anxiety improved a little when I started university but it was incredibly obvious as a child. I found it difficult to talk to anyone, I spend each lesson hiding behind my fringe and praying that no teacher would call on me (even though this ruined my grades because in Germany have of each grade is represented by oral contributions) and I often hid in empty classrooms at breaktime because I was too scared to approach anyone

I was also extremely perfectionist and would spend hours every day learning and doing homework and I set myself a daily target of helpful deeds I would do for my mum. If I didn't do the number of chores I had set for myself I couldn't go to bed, so I often ended up getting very busy in the evenings trying to find ways to help (I guess I was trying to appease my parents because I thought I would then get less emotional and physical abuse)

I also hated my appearance tremendously and would spend hours in front of the mirror picking at my skin (I guess it must have been a mixture of self-hatred and anxiety)

So, I am really sorry if you had to experience the same. It's terrible to have to grow up this way and makes it so much harder to find any happiness in the future

[Papa Coco]

HI Bermuda,

Great question. I've never really thought about it. I guess I would say that for me, my first indication, in hindsight, was in 2nd or 3rd grade, at 7 or 8 years of age, I suddenly woke up in the classroom when all the students were shouting out the answer to a question. I was not asleep. I was sitting upright at my desk in some sort of a total blackout/time loss. I remember being shocked and terrified over it happening. I felt like I'd been taken out of my body and dropped back in hours later. I NEVER told anyone about it until these past few years. I have never found out what the question was, but, since I was in the most unfortunate situation of having to go to a Catholic School, the answer that shook me out of my blackout was "The Devil!"

In 5th grade I was ostracized from the class by my best friend who wanted me to accept a ring, but I wasn't gay so I didn't know how to respond. It was 1970, and in a christian setting, being called gay was pretty much a near death sentence, which he was smart enough to avoid by immediately labeling me as the one who was gay and turning the entire school into a demonic mob against me. By then, my dissociative time losses were happening so frequently that I'd just considered them another day in the life of me. But by being so unable to remain conscious when under stress, AND by the fact that at 10 I didn't know what gay meant, I had no way to defend myself, so by not defending myself, I guess I proved they were right. By 12 years of age, my symptoms were; Chronic anxiety, which they called nervousness; an inability to hold down food; an inability to sleep soundly; Chronic nightmares; passive, but allllmost active suicidality; chronic migraine headaches; chronic digestive issues; and dissociative trances that became a severe learning disability for me. To my advantage, my parents didn't care about grades. They thought school was stupid and a waste of time, so my D grades were never addressed by anyone. The only reason Catholics pass kids to the next grade is to keep the tuition money coming. They knew that holding back any child could anger the parents into allowing the children to go to the much better, but free, public schools, so my D's were better than I deserved. I should have failed every class due to my inability to stay conscious in the classroom from 8-14 years of age. The reason my mother kept me in that horrible, torturous environment was because it was more important to her to be seen as a good catholic, than it was to protect her own son. I was a pawn in her chess game with the church.

Going into public schools in 9th grade, at 14 years of age, saved my life. From day one I was a straight A student. But by then, anxiety and dissociative trances were engrained into me. During my learning years, I learned that life is extremely dangerous, and friends and family can be theeee most dangerous people to trust. I graduated high school in 1978 and got a high paying job immediately after. Unfortunately, at 19 or 20, I realized that my life was awesome and all my anxiety and depression and dissociative trances were worse than before. I believed I was obviously born broken, and I was too stupid to know how to be a happy adult, and I made two suicide attempts for real. I was put into therapy by my employer who could see that I was spiraling out of control. Sadly though, psychology of the 1900s was very ineffective. School was not my only problem. Sexual abuse at age 7 (Which may have been why I started having blackouts in school) and a very nasty catholic family of elder siblings and selfish parents who were still in my life, and still keeping me in my symptoms which stayed with me until my 40s and even my 50s. That's when psychology finally learned that trauma can ALSO affect non-military men. In the early 2000s, my 7th therapist, a DBT and the first good one after 20 years of bad therapists, who were all nothing more than CBTs, helped me to see that my entire life of chronic depression, suicide attempts, debilitating anxiety and chronic nightmares were trauma related. He used some of the newer types of treatments on me, and over the years has helped me lose my dissociative blackouts. I still have a life of chronic suicidality, depression and anxiety, but I now have tools that help me get through them without harming myself.

I hope I didn't give too much detail. But like Milkandhoney said, it's kind of hard to know where it all began. I didn't know I was in the soup until I grew up and looked back and saw it with adult eyes. Life, from birth was such a progressive spiral downward that I didn't know I was spiraling until I hit rock bottom. As far as anyone knew, I was just too stupid to know how to handle life. That's what my parents, siblings and classmates always told me was wrong with me. I was born stupid and "too emotional for my own good" so that was the diagnosis I lived by until in my 50s. I grew up believing my symptoms were my actual personality from birth.

[Armee]

This is a really interesting and heartbreaking topic, Bermuda. I would say probably I started while I was still in the crib. My mom has always praised me for being such a good baby. I would keep myself entertained in my crib for hours and never cried. That left her free to go to class, study, work, and be psychotic. I take this all to mean by that by the time I was just a baby I had already learned there was zero point in crying and there was nothing available better than being alone.

Recently I made a comment to my T about not wanting to seem needy. He tried to turn that back to mommy issues and said something like "because your mom wouldn't have liked you to be needy. is that right? That your mom wouldn't be happy if you were needy?" I looked at him like he was a flipping alien. I thought he knew enough to know...there was nothing in the world I could need from her. That made no more sense than needing something from an earthworm. She had nothing to give. Nothing at all. Not advice, not love, not practical assistance. Nothing. There was nothing there.

On top of that she was psychotic and we were alone with her. Dad tried to murder her while she was pregnant with me so if we were just talking about chemical effects of trauma probably as early as in the womb.

Later stepdad came in and was abusive...3-8 yrs old. After that my mom further lost her cool, turning actively suicidal and visibly self-mutilating for my teen years.

During early grade school my mom apparently thought I was autistic and otherwise would ask my sister what she thought was wrong with me. So I'm guessing by then trauma responses were well dug in. By high school I was dissociating, developing severe rare allergies, sleeping through classes to ward off the fear, and to make up for lost sleep at night. Like Papa Coco dissociation interfered with schooling and led me to think i was and to be called stupid by teachers.

Then came what I'm dealing with now in my journal and right after that a bad experience with a boyfriend. After that I started dating my husband and present day was great but trauma symptoms were hiding in plain sight.

[paul72]

Very interesting topic Bermuda, thank you

Like the others it's tough to pinpoint exact dates, but I was a bed-wetter for a long time. I'd have terrible recurring nightmares as a child.
I needed speech therapy by grade 2... I can remember I was very little when i started digging my thumb nail into my index finger. I was trying to figure out if I was dreaming or not... so I must have been dissociating very young.
I had a terrible (still do) exaggerated startle response as a child. It made my M so angry.
By highschool I was a mover and a shaker (more a shaker ha).
I never realized any of these things were trauma symptoms until I'd say the last few years. Even when I went NC just over 9 years ago at 41, I hadn't put it together.