My mother is in denial

[Branchy3]

Good morning 
Iv found myself questioning why my mother doesn't  give me anything back....?
After years of counselling for depression and anxiety with a Pychologist I found I was co dependent and lived in fear of my mother....BIG FEAR ...
She physically abused my older brother and mentally abused me.. we were emotionally neglected..
Long story short Iv reach out to her  4 times to understand my pain  ... Iv written a letter to her and even turned up to her house .. which took a lot of doing .. she broke down crying saying how much she had mixed me .. as soon as I wanted answers she changed and became defensive and angry .. that was my cue to quickly get away !!!
Never again !!!!!!

[Kizzie]

I am so so sorry your M isn't there for you Branchy, I really am.  I hope you'll find a measure of comfort here with others who have gone or are going through the same thing.  It is a huge loss and we know the grief/pain/anger. It's not that you aren't lovable, it's that she can't love you in the way you need and deserve.   

[Armee]

Listen to that cue. Your body is telling you to get away, never again. I didn't listen and I'm stuck in a situation that is deeply bad for me. I wish I had listened and run long ago.

[Branchy3]

You are so right Armee

I'm never returning to her .. she told my son who visits her she's is hurt and angry that I left her ...
So self centre...chooses to gnome everything she inflicted on us as little children ...
How do I deal with the triggers  get when I see my son who sees THE MOTHER ??
My anxiety starts before I even see him as I associate him with her..
He can't do enough for her yet knows how she has treated myself and brother ..
His more for her than he is for me his mum.. he says it's your relationship with her not mine ..
So hard as there is a wedge between us now snd that's HER ...

[Armee]

I understand the automatic triggering. I get that way, too, around my frail elderly mom. I understand your hurt and anger and disappointment. It's not at all fair to you or your son that your brain and nervous system have so closely tied your son to your mom as a trigger. That's not fair to him and not fair to you. And it's not your fault or choice that that has happened. I think it'd be very hard. Very very hard to fix it...to decouple his choice to be in his Grandma's life from his relationship with you and your mom's abusive relationship with you. To decouple the automatic reactions we get when deeply triggered from what we logically know. I think it would be hard, but possible, if it was worth working through for you. SLOWLY and with love and respect for yourself and your relationship with your son.

I'm sorry this has happened. 

[Kizzie]

It's such a betrayal on your M's part as no doubt she is working on your S to push in that wedge. My M has tried to do the same but fortunately our S see's her behaviour for the most part. 

One thing we've found helps is not to put him in the middle with my M. Maybe it may be helpful for you if you do the same thing, not to talk about her with him.  That way you take her out of the equation which gives you a measure of control over the situation and you can get on with your relationship with him and exclude her.  If he wants to see her he's free to do so, but there's no reason you can't ask him to not talk about her with you. 

[Branchy3]

Thank you both for your replies..
It’s more about how it triggers me when I see him.. knowing he is in contact with the MOTHER ..
I can’t help but feel a terrible sense of fear even when I’m going to visit my son ..he never speaks to me about her .. but his children my grandchildren often mention nanny JJ …which obviously isn’t there fault .. bless them .. it’s all very difficult .. my anxiety literally goes through the roof..
Here’s hoping that when I start my ECMR emotional triggers won’t have such an effect ..
❤️❤️

[Kizzie]

Oh I see, that really would be hard because as you say you can't ask the same thing of children.

If it's any comfort when Trump was in power in the US I was triggered all the time because he's an N and was on the TV and social media 24/7. To get some relief I went for EMDR therapy and it really helped. I hope that's the case for you!

[Branchy3]

Really .. that's so good it made a difference for you , how did  it make a difference ?
Also just wandering if you or anyone here gets a feeling of anxiety then starts doing things really fast... like o need to keep working manic... is this hyper vigilance ? x

[Armee]

I think it may at least in part be the adrenaline from the fight flight freeze response. I bounce between dissociation and that energy you describe.

[Branchy3]

Hi Armee
Thank you .. your helping me so much ..
Iv never had anyone I can explain my emotional and physical feelings to who actually really understands me..
I'm already feeling anxious today .. due to get our grand children this afternoon.. from our son who sees THE MOTHER !!!
Iv been advised to stay away for now until I start my EDMR therapy .. I know my son doesn't fulling accept that I get triggered through him .. and doesn't ever show empathy towards me with this situation since his been seeing his nan, MY MOTHER.... He feels sorry for her and I'm his faith as a Christian he forgives ..
That's a BIG word !!!!!
Xx

[Kizzie]

The theory is that EMDR engages more of the brain in dealing with feelings around trauma and helps to process it.  Apparently unresolved trauma gets trapped in short term memory and that's why it feels like it's happening again and again, in essence because it is. Using the back and forth movement of EMDR while thinking about/feeling past trauma helps to move it into long term memory. 

In my case I thought about Trump's narcissistic abuse, my parents' N abuse and how it made me feel (I am trapped and I don't matter), and it began to be more tolerable.  That said, I stopped watching the news, reading about Trump which at the time was hard to do because he was everywhere. 

Hope this helps.  When do you start your EMDR?

[Branchy3]

Thank you for explaining that...
I haven't got a date yet been waiting about 8 weeks now.
I definitely need help as the counselling doesn't seem to be helping me anymore nor the medication I'm on .. that why my dr referred me and that's how it came about that I'm suffering with cptsd ..
Had another incident tonight where my husband gets our grandchildren from my son ( the one who sees My Mother) my anxiety yet again was sky high .. anxious if I go there as it triggers me and anxious when I don't go as I feel I'm doing wrong .. so difficult to manage these feelings ...
My son just doesn't see it for what it is ..
Can't talk to him about my childhood anymore as he doesn't show any interest or compassion.. so leaves me feeling that I'm wrong !!!
Xx

[Kizzie]

SO sorry Branchy, I do hope EMDR will bring down the emotional triggering. 

[Branchy3]

Thank you ❤️