I feel like a terrible person (Jokes, anyone?)

[Widdiful Falling]

Well, I was finally mindful enough to catch an EF before I turned into a wreck. Here's what my mother has to say about me:

I post too much about myself. I don't communicate perfectly. I don't post enough. No one here thinks I actually care about them, and so they don't care about me. I don't deserve support or validation. Sharing my successes is akin to bragging. I must always have some ulterior motive. I'm not seeking validation, I'm an attention-seeker who makes things out to be worse than what they are. Drama queen. B*tch without a reason. Useless. I don't help others enough. How dare I ask impolitely for help. I must show utmost courtesy and gratitude toward everyone who tries to help. Otherwise, no one will help me. I must give them everything, even if it burns me out.

I've been burnt out for such a long time that I just learned to function around it.

This is a safe place, but I still want to hide.

Will someone please help me through this?

[wingnut]

It appears to me that your mother dwells in a world of hate, and you deserve a world of love.
Don't give her the power to dampen (self) love and let yourself be consumed by her negativity. '
As adults, we no longer need their approval, which was twisted and unobtainable, anyway.
Think of 10 things about yourself that are loveable.
I'm not a master of words, but I understand some of what you are saying. I was taught not to brag, so in spite of my accomplishments, many folks know little about me. That's another way we were sat upon. We deserve to be proud.
Ferk her and love yourself. You are all that matters now.

[Widdiful Falling]

Thank you. It's hard coming up with things like that during an EF.

I care a lot about everyone and everything around me. I provide good emotional support to my friends. I try not to pressure anyone into doing things they don't want to. I listen to everyone, as they all offer a unique perspective. I give thoughtful gifts. I am passionate about the things I love. I am patient with others when they make mistakes. I love to learn. I always seek to understand things. I want to change the world for the better.

I know I have all of these qualities, but it feels like I'm talking about someone else.

[Jdog]

WF-

Whenever someone tries to tear you down, make you doubt yourself, turn strengths into weaknesses - that is entirely about them and not at all about you.  Your ability to find and name strengths is a great way to self soothe and validate that you are good enough.  I do not have a parent telling me mean things about myself, but tend to take that role on all by myself.  Recently, I emailed something good about myself to my T and then wrote back saying I had no right to be so arrogant and felt that kind of thinking would get in the way of my growth and learning.  She said I had not been arrogant and deserved to see and acknowledge good things about myself.

That having been said, there are people in my life to whom I cannot disclose many good things about myself as they can and will turn them into weapons against me.  Your Mother sounds like one of those types.  Again, it is not about you.  It is her problem entirely. Give yourself healing thoughts, tell yourself you are good enough repeatedly.  Heck, you are even allowed to be imperfect! 

Keep posting.  Your sharing has and will continue to help you and others.  Really.

[Widdiful Falling]

Thank you so much for the support, Jdog. It means a lot to me. I'm feeling a lot better after having slept, but I'm not quite 100% yet. Unfortunately, I've turned my mother's voice inward, and I abuse myself for her. Luckily, I don't have my M in my life anymore, to corroborate all of these things, but hearing them from myself is worse, if anything.

When I was trying to list loveable qualities I have, I kept running into a weird block. Like, there have been times when I haven't been patient with people's mistakes, so I am not patient with them at all. I thought that in order to have a good quality, I had to exhibit it 100% of the time, and never exhibit its opposite. I thought about it, though, and realized that that is black and white thinking. Really odd black and white thinking, too, because the contrapositive doesn't sound valid to me. I don't have to act poorly all the time to have poor qualities.

It sounds like bragging to me, but I can say that I'm proud of who I am, because I mostly do positive things.

Thank you for reminding me that it is my M's problem. I feel inappropriately responsible for the actions of others a lot. And thank you for giving me the courage to continue posting. It means a lot to me, and I can say the same to you. 

[Jdog]

Thank you.  We are all in this together!

[Widdiful Falling]

It seems like being tired makes it so much easier to slip into this state of mind. I've worked and worried myself into a mess over whether I am a narcissist. I know I have fleas. I am very perfectionistic, I have a lot of trouble with criticism, and I lack much of a sense of self. I also make mistakes. So clearly, I am an N, a terrible person, shallow, manipulative, and selfish.

I have a confession, while I'm on the topic: I manipulated my Nmom. I manipulated her into leaving my brother and sister alone by fighting with her and going NC. I not-so-gently reminded her that CPS is a thing. I also threw my contact with my older sis in there for good measure. It's not manipulation without a good guilt trip. I did all of this knowingly and willingly.

If I look at it a different way, though, I broke my moral code to try and keep my brother and sister safe. I went against my values, my feelings, and gave up what little sense of self I had to protect some kids. It doesn't sound so bad from a different perspective.

I need to stop taking my mother's side. I've said before, the dissonance is killing me. I have to be on my side. Something to work on, but now I'm going to sleep. I'm sure I'll feel better.

[Dutch Uncle]

I know I have fleas. I am very perfectionistic, I have a lot of trouble with criticism, and I lack much of a sense of self. I also make mistakes. So clearly, I am an N, a terrible person, shallow, manipulative, and selfish.

I have a confession, while I'm on the topic: I manipulated my Nmom. I manipulated her into leaving my brother and sister alone by fighting with her and going NC. I not-so-gently reminded her that CPS is a thing. I also threw my contact with my older sis in there for good measure. It's not manipulation without a good guilt trip. I did all of this knowingly and willingly.

I can't think of a joke. And even if I could, I have a very 'black sense of humor' (is that even English?), so it would have to go with a trigger alert.

But I have what may be an inspirational quote for you:

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling."

You're here, and you're owning up.
Is your mom?

[Jdog]

You matter.  The actions you took to protect your younger siblings matter.  Being on your own side in this situation is tough sledding but you sound like you are getting there.  Dr. JDog prescribes self compassion and plenty of it.

Take two big doses and write back in the morning.

[Widdiful Falling]

I know I have fleas. I am very perfectionistic, I have a lot of trouble with criticism, and I lack much of a sense of self. I also make mistakes. So clearly, I am an N, a terrible person, shallow, manipulative, and selfish.

I have a confession, while I'm on the topic: I manipulated my Nmom. I manipulated her into leaving my brother and sister alone by fighting with her and going NC. I not-so-gently reminded her that CPS is a thing. I also threw my contact with my older sis in there for good measure. It's not manipulation without a good guilt trip. I did all of this knowingly and willingly.

I can't think of a joke. And even if I could, I have a very 'black sense of humor' (is that even English?), so it would have to go with a trigger alert.

But I have what may be an inspirational quote for you:

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling."

You're here, and you're owning up.
Is your mom?

I actually really enjoy black humor (yes, that is what it's called). I'm not a fan of vulgarity for vulgarity's sake, but I like a reminder now and again that even when it's pitch black, there's always humor. I can't believe English isn't your native language. You're amazing at writing in it!

I am very inspired by that quote. In fact, I'd like to write a short song about it when I have the time.

Is my mom owning up? Well, the short answer is no, I suppose. But she always finds something or another to justify her actions, and if you don't look too hard, her explanation seems plausible.

You matter.  The actions you took to protect your younger siblings matter.  Being on your own side in this situation is tough sledding but you sound like you are getting there.  Dr. JDog prescribes self compassion and plenty of it.

Take two big doses and write back in the morning.

Thank you, Jdog. I think that taking my own side in matters takes a lot of self-confidence, which is something I don't really have much of. I consistently think that I'm not good enough at anything. Thank you for the reminder to be compassionate to myself. I feel a lot better. I used to feel really guilty about having EFs. Now I'm looking back at it as something that happens in my life. I'm working on catching and fielding them. I can't be expected to be perfect right off the bat, but I'm certainly putting effort in.

Hello Widdi,

I hope that today looks different for you. In dealing with family, our "moral code" and our own needs, things get complicated rather quickly. Whose needs are more important? What about this? What about that? There's always one more perspective out there. It's crowded!

You seem to have a good grasp on your own behavior and motivations, a real plus!  You also seem to be in a corner, where it's tough to find your way out. Could you make room for just yourself? Maybe sit quietly and imagine your own inner child, or even yourself as you are now, and just be there with her? Block out all the others, and just focus on you. No need to "do" anything, just appreciate your strength and your compassion. IF you can get to savoring, that would be ideal. If not, just get comfy and get to know what it feels like to be there in that place.

Thank you. I'm going to take some time to do that right now, in fact. It really does feel like I'm cornered emotionally. Once my mindfulness slips, and I break into an EF, it's like I'm stuck that way. I've found that going to sleep helps me reset myself emotionally. I hope that, in time, I can find other ways to hit the reset button that aren't as intrusive and time-consuming.

My inner child and I are going to go practice our martial arts. That always makes both of us feel better.

I feel like I just don't want to subject my inner child to that dark, dark place I go during EFs. It's terrifying for us.

[Bluevermonter]

Geez, I'd ask her if she left anything out.

That is an impressive list from her. 

Perhaps you could ask her if she know what projection is . . .

So sorry that you have to listen to all.  Hard to keep your soul from taking it all in.  But that you are looking for humor says you understand she is not to be believed.

[Widdiful Falling]

Geez, I'd ask her if she left anything out.

That is an impressive list from her. 

Perhaps you could ask her if she know what projection is . . .

So sorry that you have to listen to all.  Hard to keep your soul from taking it all in.  But that you are looking for humor says you understand she is not to be believed.

How have you been, blue? It's nice to see you again. 

Yeah, I know I can't believe anything she says about me. And if you ask her directly, there's so much more she would say. It's hard to believe I thought someone who would treat me like that loved me. No one I know has anything like that to say about me. I think the worst thing I've heard is that I get defensive when criticised. Which stings, because it's criticism, but it's true, and something I can change. My M's judgments of me are ridiculous, and so they can't be changed.

I'm so afraid of others thinking that of me, though.

"My mother," as referred to in that post, is really my inner critic. But those are all things my M has legitimately said to me. Not so specific to the situation, but still...

[Dutch Uncle]

I am very inspired by that quote. In fact, I'd like to write a short song about it when I have the time.

When you're done, I'd like to hear/read it  .

The quote is not mine. It's attributed to "-unknown-"

[Ladybug]

Widd-

I'm so sorry about the EF. They are no fun at all. 

I am very perfectionistic, I have a lot of trouble with criticism, and I lack much of a sense of self.

The above can all be symptoms of C-PTSD.

I care a lot about everyone and everything around me. I provide good emotional support to my friends. I try not to pressure anyone into doing things they don't want to. I listen to everyone, as they all offer a unique perspective. I give thoughtful gifts. I am passionate about the things I love. I am patient with others when they make mistakes. I love to learn. I always seek to understand things. I want to change the world for the better.

I know I have all of these qualities, but it feels like I'm talking about someone else.

Repeat these to yourself often. Write them on an index card and whenever your M's voice pops into your head, stop her as soon as you realize it and re-focus on saying the affirmations to yourself instead. This may be hard and first, and do your best not to criticize yourself if it is. Keep trying and it will get easier!

You sound like a wonderful person! And by getting help for your C-PTSD, you ARE changing the world for the better. 

[Bluevermonter]

Hey, Widdi.  I am doing ok thanks for asking. 

So you manipulated your mom into behaving?  Wonderful!  Terrific!  Way to go!  Good on ya, girl!  A+!

I can appreciate that beating a toxic person at their own game might be nothing to be proud of.  While I do not know the mind of God, I believe he/she would not hold it against you, IMHO. The outcome was not selfish--you did not gain materially.  Your sibs gained a bit of peace.  So if you were in a concentration camp, you would manipulate a camp guard for some food for your sibs.  One can argue that the other prisoners were denied food bc of that.  But that is the nature of moral dilemmas.  In this case, you denied no one anything.  So again, please hear very loud and sustained applause . . .

So you are not perfect, you have  99 wonderful qualities despite the horrible treatment from your mom, and you have this 1 thing, ok maybe 2, where you freak out.  Only God gets to be perfect.  Not you.

As for the EFs and the guilt.  I suppose your struggle is like curing yourself of emotional cancer.  Treat yourself better than anyone else in your life.  Be kindest to yourself.  Take care of yourself the best.  Each day is a struggle, wrestling with pigs, but in the long term the road you are on will get you to a great place.