Does anyone else feel embarrassed in front of their therapist

[Snookiebookie2]

I spent 18 months seeing my therapist on a weekly or fortnightly basis.  I have shared pretty much everything with her. And she seems to understand my situation/story well.  And she appreciates my triggers.

I then switched to monthly sessions,  more as a coping mechanism.  And we reach a decision about in March 2019 to bring therapy to an end (things were going well at that time).

I have felt the need to see her five times since then when things overwhelm me. Its a way of dumping the negative emotions.   I feel clearer afterwards.  It helps. She remembers who is who in life and what has happened too. 

With what's been going at work and with the pandemic I plan on seeing her as soon as face to face sessions resume.   I can't really do video sessions as my daughter is home, so I wouldn't feel comfortable.

But even the thought of seeing makes me feel embarrassed.   That she'll be judging me. I don't have any evidence for this. She can occasionally look bored, but I do tend ramble on and on. She can hardly get a word in edge ways. I have to remember to pause so can give her input.

When I stopped my regular sessions she gave a big hug and told me I'd worked hard and seemed genuinely pleased.

Last time I saw her I told her that I felt self conscious coming back to her. She pointed how few times she'd seen me and how long was between visits.  She also points out when I've shown progress and taken positive steps by myself.

So why do I feel awkward and embarrassed going to see her. Is that because I'm putting expectations on myself.  Is the judgement coming from me?

[Kat]

I think it's normal to feel a bit awkward in your situation and given that you suffer from C-PTSD--not sure if you can trust she's being genuine, being self-critical about having needs.  (Maybe?)  It may help to keep in mind that she is under no obligation to continue working with you if she does not genuinely want to.  If it's been a while, she can easily say she can no longer fit you in her schedule.  So, I think the fact that she does welcome you back says a great deal.  I know when I go for long periods without seeing my therapist I tend to start doubting our relationship, and we've been working together for 15 years!