Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 04:43:07 AMThank you, SanMagic7! I am feeling a new sense of empowerment at being able to make decisions about what to wear based on how I FEEL in my clothes, and express what I want to say. Hoping this will help me move more forward and out into the world and connect to other people.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 31, 2026, 11:19:18 PMthank you so much for your solidarity w/ me, TBB. i do appreciate it. all this stuff has been distressing to me, the more i've learned, the more distressing it becomes. and i really haven't recognized much pain before, so feeling it now is new, and extremely distressing. part of the process of moving forward, i guess. good to have you on my side. 
i can feel if something is physically painful, but i've learned over the years that i can also endure a lot of pain in that realm. this emotional pain, while i've spoken about it - such as, it's painful to have an estranged D1 - i don't really feel it. my outburst the other week i'm only beginning to understand the pain in it, how those were not tears of joy, but distressing tears.
i just read a 10-yr. old post of mine where i spoke of being in church and not being able to sing hymns that spoke of being loved by god/jesus because i'd start crying. am i crying for not having the feelings of being loved, cared for/about? am i crying for a lack of something? am i just sad or am i feeling the pain of that lack? i still am not sure.
i can feel if something is physically painful, but i've learned over the years that i can also endure a lot of pain in that realm. this emotional pain, while i've spoken about it - such as, it's painful to have an estranged D1 - i don't really feel it. my outburst the other week i'm only beginning to understand the pain in it, how those were not tears of joy, but distressing tears.
i just read a 10-yr. old post of mine where i spoke of being in church and not being able to sing hymns that spoke of being loved by god/jesus because i'd start crying. am i crying for not having the feelings of being loved, cared for/about? am i crying for a lack of something? am i just sad or am i feeling the pain of that lack? i still am not sure.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 31, 2026, 11:09:50 PMenjoy! love and hugs
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - January 31, 2026, 11:06:57 PMhannah1, i'm so glad you decided to play w/ clothes - i found a lot of enjoyment in it! and gray is one of my very favorite colors, so i get it. beautiful. sounds like you hit the right nail on the head, here. well done! love and hugs
#5
Employment / Re: "Picking" a career
Last post by Teddy bear - January 31, 2026, 06:36:00 PMHi LadybugBee,
Just found this thread, and it feels like the main dilemma I've had for the last few years.
My situation is different, but I also used to work in a tech company (not in Silicon Valley, though). I had other aspirations before finishing school and in other later periods of my life.
Travelling was a good time to reassess everything — plenty of quiet time for myself. I had thoughts of returning to passions I'd had previously, and even made some attempts.
Your background and talent in dancing sound impressive. I don't like to give advice, so I won't. Just following a passion seems not only fulfilling and interesting to me but also probably the most fruitful and 'possible-to-make-happen' path.
Meanwhile, I've come across different career advice before — I mean, I've read some articles, and some are very hesitant about this approach. But I think it's solely up to you!
It would be nice to chat if you're still on this forum 🤗🤝. Your situation has probably changed a lot since then.
Anyway, best of luck 🍀
Just found this thread, and it feels like the main dilemma I've had for the last few years.
My situation is different, but I also used to work in a tech company (not in Silicon Valley, though). I had other aspirations before finishing school and in other later periods of my life.
Travelling was a good time to reassess everything — plenty of quiet time for myself. I had thoughts of returning to passions I'd had previously, and even made some attempts.
Your background and talent in dancing sound impressive. I don't like to give advice, so I won't. Just following a passion seems not only fulfilling and interesting to me but also probably the most fruitful and 'possible-to-make-happen' path.
Meanwhile, I've come across different career advice before — I mean, I've read some articles, and some are very hesitant about this approach. But I think it's solely up to you!
It would be nice to chat if you're still on this forum 🤗🤝. Your situation has probably changed a lot since then.
Anyway, best of luck 🍀
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - January 31, 2026, 04:48:41 PMSan, I'm really glad you wrote this. A few weeks ago, when I was in a very similar place - grieving the loss of external safety after realizing hard truths about my childhood - Kizzie responded with something that helped more than I can put into words.
1) she normalized it: yes, this hurts really badly. There's nothing wrong with you for how intense this feels.
2) she said something that mattered deeply in the moment: when you're inside this pain, it truly feels like falling into a bottomless pit - but it isn't. It's more like a tunnel. You don't see the end while you're in it, but you are moving through it, and something does shift over time in the nervous system.
Hearing that didn't take the pain away, but it helped me feel less terrified of it, less afraid that I was breaking forever.
And for me, she was right. It's been wavy, not linear, but gradually there are fewer days completely swallowed by sadness. Things do change, even when it's impossible to feel that in the moment.
I'm really glad you'll see your T on Monday. One thing I've been learning is that healing relational trauma happens relationally - you telling us here, us staying with you; your T listening, reflecting, attuning. That is how the nervous system learns something new. It's subtle and slow, and it rarely feels good while it's happening - but with repetition, it matters.
We are here with you. Truly. You don't have to figure this out all at once. And you don't have to go through it alone. 💛
Quote from: Kizzie on January 03, 2026, 04:56:41 PMI'm so sorry to hear this. Just my thoughts here but the fact that you [..] know what is the problem and by facing it and the pain and fear you are on the road out the other side.It did help me - and I think it did because:
I say from experience that some of my most painful moments came from seeing clearly what I had lost in my life, what I could not depend upon, and what I had to do to carry on. Looking at that led to looking at myself clearly, with compassion and shushing the negative voices. Slowly I came to realize I could depend on myself. Fear and pain became a feeling of freedom and trust in myself, however wobbly at first.
I hope this is helpful
1) she normalized it: yes, this hurts really badly. There's nothing wrong with you for how intense this feels.
2) she said something that mattered deeply in the moment: when you're inside this pain, it truly feels like falling into a bottomless pit - but it isn't. It's more like a tunnel. You don't see the end while you're in it, but you are moving through it, and something does shift over time in the nervous system.
Hearing that didn't take the pain away, but it helped me feel less terrified of it, less afraid that I was breaking forever.
And for me, she was right. It's been wavy, not linear, but gradually there are fewer days completely swallowed by sadness. Things do change, even when it's impossible to feel that in the moment.
I'm really glad you'll see your T on Monday. One thing I've been learning is that healing relational trauma happens relationally - you telling us here, us staying with you; your T listening, reflecting, attuning. That is how the nervous system learns something new. It's subtle and slow, and it rarely feels good while it's happening - but with repetition, it matters.
We are here with you. Truly. You don't have to figure this out all at once. And you don't have to go through it alone. 💛
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by HannahOne - January 31, 2026, 03:22:44 PMSanMagic7, it makes sense that you wouldn't want to take good things in, it feels like it punctures something. It does, it punctures our defenses. So it can be hard to let the good things in if we are still needing those defenses against feeling too much too quickly. You're feeling a lot, and you have every right to be exhausted! This is hard work.
#8
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Teddy bear - January 31, 2026, 01:31:08 PMThank you, I'll think about it
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - January 31, 2026, 01:25:22 PMHi SanMagic, Thank you so much
Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Mother Hunger book and your experiences of reading it a couple of times. It does sound like a very interesting and helpful book. I'll definitely consider it, when my pile of books to read is smaller! I think I'll sample a few audiobook clips to see what it's like to hear them - good idea! Like you say, it wouldn't be good to get a voice that was in anyway triggering. Hugs to you
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31st January 2026
So I am going to have a 'digital break' for the whole month of February, which means I won't be here till March! I feel positive about this break, I think it will be good for me. I'll look forward to re-connecting with everyone here when I'm back in March.
Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Mother Hunger book and your experiences of reading it a couple of times. It does sound like a very interesting and helpful book. I'll definitely consider it, when my pile of books to read is smaller! I think I'll sample a few audiobook clips to see what it's like to hear them - good idea! Like you say, it wouldn't be good to get a voice that was in anyway triggering. Hugs to you
********
31st January 2026
So I am going to have a 'digital break' for the whole month of February, which means I won't be here till March! I feel positive about this break, I think it will be good for me. I'll look forward to re-connecting with everyone here when I'm back in March.
#10
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Armee - January 30, 2026, 08:06:13 PMIm really glad people could join and found it to be useful. Like you Blueberry it was like no other yoga I've been too and it really felt trauma informed to me. No pressure and choice like you said. And other even slow or beginner yoga are too fasy to manage with the dissociative disconnect. Just figuring out which arm im supposed to move let alone all the other stuff going on in yoga is too much.
Teddy Bear,
They have these classes all the time but you have to register and pay a nominal fee...I can't remember how much...maybe $2USD or $10USD per session on a donation basis.
It can be hard to find the info though. Here's the link to sign up.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/classes
Teddy Bear,
They have these classes all the time but you have to register and pay a nominal fee...I can't remember how much...maybe $2USD or $10USD per session on a donation basis.
It can be hard to find the info though. Here's the link to sign up.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/classes