Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Newly joined
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 04:40:20 PMWelcome here Westman! 
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 03:34:01 PMThe hard earned progress is the sweetest, isn't it? The holidays are hard for me too. The loneliness can be excruciating during those. I'll think of you during those days. 
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:35:35 PMthank you everyone for everything - the well wishes, sitting w/ me, big hugs - all of it. doc today, so we'll see.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 12:42:42 PMSo....late. I had even brought a small foldable keyboard with me to connect here (I properly dislike typing on a smartphone), but ended up never using it. Just too busy. And when not busy, too exhausted. It's an odd thought that a tiny pill every evening enabled me to do this. Good enough sleep equals good enough functionality during the day. For various reasons I squeezed every drop out of it when I had the chance. Work all day. I have the most peace of mind at home when I try to get things done over there as best I can. During the last week or so there wasn't any sun to speak off, so I severely limited the use of my phone too.
Desert Flower
And carry water... Literally did both
sanmagic7
Sometimes when I'm over there I get in the zone, so to speak. I remember when this first happened, it felt almost as if I was dancing with the trees and the environment. I wish I could be there more often and shorter. But it's also highly taxing, so that's not realistic. It's always an odd mixture of wonderful and horrible to be there. People usually think it's due to the rough circumstances I live in over there, but that's not it. The same would apply if I had a nice, cosey house there. Anyway, I do very much appreciate I have the opportunity to go here every once in a while. A lot has happened to me personally on this land. It kickstarted a deep personal transformation, years ago. I feel a connection with it, even though it never fails to kick me in the teeth too, since so much of it is overwhelming. I shouldn't be doing this. And I absolutely should.
Papa Coco
Yep. That's it. Or at least it was for the first week or so. It was great to experience that on the land, especially considering in what state I was here years ago. This time, slowly, contraction started to replace more and more of this expanded state. The beingness while working morphed into more mind identification and the internal pressure to get certain things done within this limited time here. I also had some bad nights, on meds, that had a bad influence on my energy level and mood. By the end, I felt a deep sadness often. But I kept going, because I know this is what I wanted to have done when back home. And I feel good about it now I am actually home again.
This time I wasn't there all by myself the whole time. I did meet up with a new neighbor and a guy I know from years ago. Both were good experiences. I also kept in touch with a good online friend the whole time. All of this is new for me. So even though it kicked in quite heavily eventually, I did manage to stay away from my tendency to tough things out on my own more than ever. And I reaped the fruits of my previous efforts here. Quite literally. I never imagined it to get to this point. Since the jungle grows back so aggressively those 49 ish weeks a year I'm not there. I work insanely slow, compared to how things are done nowadays, and part of me really is okay with not achieving anything, so I'm a bit surprised to start seeing results. I kinda don't know how to deal with succes, if you can call it that. This is a side of long-term C-PTSD too, I think.
My journey back home was rough. I was in an EF when I actually got home. Coming back to an empty home was triggering. I guess this makes it relatively easy for me to go to this off grid place for a while. The loneliness hit me hard at home. It landed on top of many triggers during the return journey. Since my triggering encounter with the police, going through customs at airports has become a lot more triggering for me. Also uniforms and sirens on the street. It was bad this time. Once I arrived in a city, the sirens landed me in a paranoid state. I knew it wasn't realistic, but I was actually afraid uniforms were coming for me. It's shocking to see that I've typed this. It's actually what happened. I had a small walk to do and some time to kill, and decided it would be good to try to relax in a pastry shop, upon exiting the bus. It went so far as expecting uniforms to come in there to get me. Pretty paranoid, even though I knew this fear was irrational.
This hatch in my subconscious had been opened with the previous incident, and a crushing sense of guilt pours out sometimes ever since. It doesn't become concrete. But it's definitively not the sense of shame I know so very well. It's a different kind of ugly, terrifying, and overwhelming. Being in a foreign country plays a heavy part in this. Part of me doesn't want to travel anymore. Especially not by plane since the customs procedure is so triggering. It makes going to this plot of land such a risky endeavor to me. More than it already was. And yet it's not entirely new, this guilt and paranoia. It has come up more often, also during experiences with ayahuasca in an unsafe social container. It used to be buried deeper inside, but it's more on the forefront more often. My hunch is that it's preverbal, attachment trauma, manifesting through these symbols that feel similar.
Since it's so specific, I thought about trying EMDR for it. I feel like this fear is making my life yet smaller than it already was. I don't want it to limit my options even more, and I also really don't want to keep pushing myself through this without it getting any better. I wasn't planning to write such a negative entry. Definitely not all of this trip was. So I'll talk about it later. I'm still landing a bit at home, so it's still fresh. Yet I'm also largely out of of the storm with the help of a good friend. So the perfect moment to take some notes, because I know I can have forgotten this in just a week or so. I'm happy to be back here for sure and I hope you're doing well.
Desert Flower
And carry water... Literally did both
sanmagic7
Sometimes when I'm over there I get in the zone, so to speak. I remember when this first happened, it felt almost as if I was dancing with the trees and the environment. I wish I could be there more often and shorter. But it's also highly taxing, so that's not realistic. It's always an odd mixture of wonderful and horrible to be there. People usually think it's due to the rough circumstances I live in over there, but that's not it. The same would apply if I had a nice, cosey house there. Anyway, I do very much appreciate I have the opportunity to go here every once in a while. A lot has happened to me personally on this land. It kickstarted a deep personal transformation, years ago. I feel a connection with it, even though it never fails to kick me in the teeth too, since so much of it is overwhelming. I shouldn't be doing this. And I absolutely should.
Papa Coco
Yep. That's it. Or at least it was for the first week or so. It was great to experience that on the land, especially considering in what state I was here years ago. This time, slowly, contraction started to replace more and more of this expanded state. The beingness while working morphed into more mind identification and the internal pressure to get certain things done within this limited time here. I also had some bad nights, on meds, that had a bad influence on my energy level and mood. By the end, I felt a deep sadness often. But I kept going, because I know this is what I wanted to have done when back home. And I feel good about it now I am actually home again.
This time I wasn't there all by myself the whole time. I did meet up with a new neighbor and a guy I know from years ago. Both were good experiences. I also kept in touch with a good online friend the whole time. All of this is new for me. So even though it kicked in quite heavily eventually, I did manage to stay away from my tendency to tough things out on my own more than ever. And I reaped the fruits of my previous efforts here. Quite literally. I never imagined it to get to this point. Since the jungle grows back so aggressively those 49 ish weeks a year I'm not there. I work insanely slow, compared to how things are done nowadays, and part of me really is okay with not achieving anything, so I'm a bit surprised to start seeing results. I kinda don't know how to deal with succes, if you can call it that. This is a side of long-term C-PTSD too, I think.
My journey back home was rough. I was in an EF when I actually got home. Coming back to an empty home was triggering. I guess this makes it relatively easy for me to go to this off grid place for a while. The loneliness hit me hard at home. It landed on top of many triggers during the return journey. Since my triggering encounter with the police, going through customs at airports has become a lot more triggering for me. Also uniforms and sirens on the street. It was bad this time. Once I arrived in a city, the sirens landed me in a paranoid state. I knew it wasn't realistic, but I was actually afraid uniforms were coming for me. It's shocking to see that I've typed this. It's actually what happened. I had a small walk to do and some time to kill, and decided it would be good to try to relax in a pastry shop, upon exiting the bus. It went so far as expecting uniforms to come in there to get me. Pretty paranoid, even though I knew this fear was irrational.
This hatch in my subconscious had been opened with the previous incident, and a crushing sense of guilt pours out sometimes ever since. It doesn't become concrete. But it's definitively not the sense of shame I know so very well. It's a different kind of ugly, terrifying, and overwhelming. Being in a foreign country plays a heavy part in this. Part of me doesn't want to travel anymore. Especially not by plane since the customs procedure is so triggering. It makes going to this plot of land such a risky endeavor to me. More than it already was. And yet it's not entirely new, this guilt and paranoia. It has come up more often, also during experiences with ayahuasca in an unsafe social container. It used to be buried deeper inside, but it's more on the forefront more often. My hunch is that it's preverbal, attachment trauma, manifesting through these symbols that feel similar.
Since it's so specific, I thought about trying EMDR for it. I feel like this fear is making my life yet smaller than it already was. I don't want it to limit my options even more, and I also really don't want to keep pushing myself through this without it getting any better. I wasn't planning to write such a negative entry. Definitely not all of this trip was. So I'll talk about it later. I'm still landing a bit at home, so it's still fresh. Yet I'm also largely out of of the storm with the help of a good friend. So the perfect moment to take some notes, because I know I can have forgotten this in just a week or so. I'm happy to be back here for sure and I hope you're doing well.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 10:42:00 AMOof, crapola with the zoloft. Intakers shouldn't be like used car salesmen. Not anybody can do anything. This stuff is way to delicate and individual specific for that. You also know too much to be taken for a fool. It's terrible that your lived experience isn't taken into account on the other side and you have to go through something you already know the outcome off. I'm so sorry San. This is a nightmare if you need help and have a pretty good idea of what that actually looks like. I'm actually glad you refused to go along with something that's obviously not right and filed a complaint. I admire your assertiveness in the midst of this. Zooming with a T that matches sounds a lot better than what's been served thus far. Sending you a big hug 
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 09:06:13 AMhttps://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17025.0
Just putting this link here so I will be able to find it again. So all of this turned out to be a lot truer than I thought.
And I've been thinking, this retreat that I did a month ago, was this in fact a good idea or not? Was that helpful in hindsight? I felt so completely different then, so completely centered. And then following that week, I went downhill (so to speak, I know it's a healing journey too) so fast.
And this is what I've come up with. (Also building on what SO and Chart said.) I think I truly was completely centered that week and I had experienced what Schwartz calls the 'Self'. And this Self had truly felt that (feeling guilty for not missing) M was no longer necessary. That I truly am okay the way I am. And maybe that gave the seperated Parts the confidence to come out the way they did. They had been waiting for me to be ready (enough). Maybe they sensed I could now (sort of) handle it.
Just putting this link here so I will be able to find it again. So all of this turned out to be a lot truer than I thought.
And I've been thinking, this retreat that I did a month ago, was this in fact a good idea or not? Was that helpful in hindsight? I felt so completely different then, so completely centered. And then following that week, I went downhill (so to speak, I know it's a healing journey too) so fast.
And this is what I've come up with. (Also building on what SO and Chart said.) I think I truly was completely centered that week and I had experienced what Schwartz calls the 'Self'. And this Self had truly felt that (feeling guilty for not missing) M was no longer necessary. That I truly am okay the way I am. And maybe that gave the seperated Parts the confidence to come out the way they did. They had been waiting for me to be ready (enough). Maybe they sensed I could now (sort of) handle it.
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Newly joined
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 08:34:21 AMHi Westman, welcome here too. I hope you will find some comfort and recognition for your whole being here, like I do time and time again. It really is a wonderfully supportive communinity.
I'm sorry for the difficult situation you're in and I totally relate to ticking the boxes and still wondering if this could be true. I'm wishing you all the best on your journey.
I'm sorry for the difficult situation you're in and I totally relate to ticking the boxes and still wondering if this could be true. I'm wishing you all the best on your journey.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 04:51:19 AMChart, NK and SO,
thank you for your compassionate and intelligent responses... I could delve into deep conversation on each reply. But since this is a journal, suffice to say that I am touched by the support you offer, I receive it gratefully with immense respect for the hard-earned insights you share generously.
On my quest for authentic self-expression, I looked today at the opposite— imposter syndrome (feeling like an incompetent fraud when others see a very capable individual) and found the work of Valerie Young.
She writes that everyone has unconscious rules about what it means to be competent. People who feel like imposters hold themselves to impossible standards of competency, which inevitably leads to falling short, evoking shame and self-doubt.
I decided to write a list for myself in response to: if I was a truly competent mother and human I should be able to always—-
... a list of 40 items streamed out onto the paper. From "I should be able to control all aspects of myself and conditions around me", "fix everything to be unbroken", "only say the right thing", "keep boundaries and make everyone happy", "spend no money", "fit in properly and be accepted by society", "know all", "have endless patience", "assure financial stability eternally", "prevent my kids from suffering", "never be a hassle", and "if I was a truly competent human, my parents would have loved me."
Every single one of the 40 items is so absurdly impossible and inhumanly unrealistic. And they have been operating in my subconscious as the benchmark for success in life... as definitions of being a competent human being!
I felt a joy and a relief in shining a light into this shadowy area of myself. I cherish the moments when I see one of my own blind spots. It is exhilarating and I feel freedom.
Now, I turn toward the task, the journey of redefining the true meaning of competency for myself.
A personal definition of success on my terms.
I see a path out of shame, inadequacy, self-blame and exhaustion from fighting the massive burden of carrying these unconscious sabotaging lies for so long.
I live for adventure and the journey towards truth.
thank you for your compassionate and intelligent responses... I could delve into deep conversation on each reply. But since this is a journal, suffice to say that I am touched by the support you offer, I receive it gratefully with immense respect for the hard-earned insights you share generously.
On my quest for authentic self-expression, I looked today at the opposite— imposter syndrome (feeling like an incompetent fraud when others see a very capable individual) and found the work of Valerie Young.
She writes that everyone has unconscious rules about what it means to be competent. People who feel like imposters hold themselves to impossible standards of competency, which inevitably leads to falling short, evoking shame and self-doubt.
I decided to write a list for myself in response to: if I was a truly competent mother and human I should be able to always—-
... a list of 40 items streamed out onto the paper. From "I should be able to control all aspects of myself and conditions around me", "fix everything to be unbroken", "only say the right thing", "keep boundaries and make everyone happy", "spend no money", "fit in properly and be accepted by society", "know all", "have endless patience", "assure financial stability eternally", "prevent my kids from suffering", "never be a hassle", and "if I was a truly competent human, my parents would have loved me."
Every single one of the 40 items is so absurdly impossible and inhumanly unrealistic. And they have been operating in my subconscious as the benchmark for success in life... as definitions of being a competent human being!
I felt a joy and a relief in shining a light into this shadowy area of myself. I cherish the moments when I see one of my own blind spots. It is exhilarating and I feel freedom.
Now, I turn toward the task, the journey of redefining the true meaning of competency for myself.
A personal definition of success on my terms.
I see a path out of shame, inadequacy, self-blame and exhaustion from fighting the massive burden of carrying these unconscious sabotaging lies for so long.
I live for adventure and the journey towards truth.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 11, 2025, 10:45:33 PMPapa Coco, thank you - truly. What you wrote put words to something I've only recently begun to let myself believe: I wasn't weak growing up. I was perceptive and empathic. And yes ... that made me the easier one to hurt.
Your framing of sensitivity as an inherent trait - even a superpower - really hit home. It mirrors so much of my own story: feeling everything intensely, and then being told that this was the problem, instead of recognizing it as the very thing that helped me notice, adapt, survive.
It's incredibly validating to hear sensitivity described not as a flaw to fix, but as a way of being wired that becomes strength once it isn't living under threat.
Thank you for putting that into words today. It landed exactly where I needed it.
Your framing of sensitivity as an inherent trait - even a superpower - really hit home. It mirrors so much of my own story: feeling everything intensely, and then being told that this was the problem, instead of recognizing it as the very thing that helped me notice, adapt, survive.
It's incredibly validating to hear sensitivity described not as a flaw to fix, but as a way of being wired that becomes strength once it isn't living under threat.
Thank you for putting that into words today. It landed exactly where I needed it.
#10
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Newly joined
Last post by Westman - December 11, 2025, 10:40:38 PMThank you for your replies, gratefully received, means a lot