Recent posts
#1
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 09:19:00 PMQuote from: MiaBailey on March 03, 2026, 08:51:54 PM... I felt like my childhood was a mess but maybe didn't qualify "enough" because nothing overtly horrific happened, if that makes sense.I initially felt the same way, but others here helped me see something important:
If you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it was that bad.
💛 #2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 09:08:50 PMMia, reading this resonated with me a lot.
That invisible contract - if I'm good enough, helpful enough, perfect enough, then I'll finally deserve love and belonging - is such a powerful trap. It keeps us running on that treadmill for years without ever stopping to ask the question you named so clearly: what are they actually bringing to the table?
What struck me most in your post is how clearly you can see it now. That "assessment period," going into your cave to regroup and look at things honestly - that sounds incredibly hard, but also incredibly brave.
Your post reminded me of something I wrote earlier about how our systems can organize themselves around survival in ways that keep us functioning for decades - often at the cost of ourselves - until one day the illusion finally cracks. The very patterns that kept us stuck for so long were also brilliant survival skills. They helped us navigate environments where love and safety were conditional. For many of us, it took a long time to even see that structure clearly.
I'm really glad you found people who can simply care without an agenda. That discovery can feel almost unbelievable at first.
Thank you for sharing this. 💛
That invisible contract - if I'm good enough, helpful enough, perfect enough, then I'll finally deserve love and belonging - is such a powerful trap. It keeps us running on that treadmill for years without ever stopping to ask the question you named so clearly: what are they actually bringing to the table?
What struck me most in your post is how clearly you can see it now. That "assessment period," going into your cave to regroup and look at things honestly - that sounds incredibly hard, but also incredibly brave.
Your post reminded me of something I wrote earlier about how our systems can organize themselves around survival in ways that keep us functioning for decades - often at the cost of ourselves - until one day the illusion finally cracks. The very patterns that kept us stuck for so long were also brilliant survival skills. They helped us navigate environments where love and safety were conditional. For many of us, it took a long time to even see that structure clearly.
Quote from: TheBigBlue on January 27, 2026, 06:05:17 PM..."structured dissociation/fragmentation" topic ...
I'm really glad you found people who can simply care without an agenda. That discovery can feel almost unbelievable at first.
Thank you for sharing this. 💛
#3
Emotional Abuse / Re: My Family Doesn't Care Abo...
Last post by MiaBailey - March 03, 2026, 08:55:46 PMYes, me too. I've been invisible my entire life, unless they needed something. I finally gave up trying. I finally decided that they're idiots.
#4
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by MiaBailey - March 03, 2026, 08:51:54 PMThank you for this thread. As I mentioned in one of my posts, getting EMDR therapy for severe neglect and not being able to find that specific target memory for the EMDR session is strange. It's like, well, okay, I have 12,000 different troubling events from all of the neglect, the absence of . . . not the overt act of a specific horrific thing but . . . it adds up to a horrific mess of a childhood. Where the heck do we start? I felt like my childhood was a mess but maybe didn't qualify "enough" because nothing overtly horrific happened, if that makes sense.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by MiaBailey - March 03, 2026, 07:39:43 PMYes, I was taught that seeking help or support was somehow a betrayal to my family. It was the invisible carrot that I could never catch -- that if I was just a good girl, that if I just did everything right, then I would be loved and I would be in no need of outside support. That, in fact, the need for outside support was my shortfall, my failure, my inability to do better . . . blah blah blah. OMG. The invisible handcuffs that kept me working myself to death on the perfection treadmill. I spent 50+ years basically feeling like I had not independent right to merely live and exist and that I had to "earn" my right to participate by what I offered everyone in my life. I never, ever stopped to look at what they brought to the table. I had been really, really brainwashed in believing that I had somehow failed everyone. I had a really difficult time even saying anything untoward about the people in my life that treated me like I was a human doing and not a human being. I eventually stopped doing for everyone and watched the supposed love ones wither on the vine. Unfortunately, it was an illusion that I had invented in my own brain, the one that said that these people, in their heart of hearts really do love me and after I help them with this thing or that thing or help them buy this or that that they will be there for me blah blah. That day never came. So, I stopped it all. I went into isolation mode and regrouped. It wasn't forever but just for a season. I refer to it as my assessment period.
I went into my cave and licked my wounds and eventually sought support from people who had been in similar circumstances. I can say that I purged a great deal and once I came out of this "assessment period," my trusting of people (which had never been so great) was difficult; but, I did learn that there are real people in this world that are capable of simply caring about another person without an agenda. It's always amazing to me that total strangers can have a much better understanding of me as a human being than people who have been in my life for 60+ years.
There are some great people here. I don't post often but I read a good bit. Best wishes.
I went into my cave and licked my wounds and eventually sought support from people who had been in similar circumstances. I can say that I purged a great deal and once I came out of this "assessment period," my trusting of people (which had never been so great) was difficult; but, I did learn that there are real people in this world that are capable of simply caring about another person without an agenda. It's always amazing to me that total strangers can have a much better understanding of me as a human being than people who have been in my life for 60+ years.
There are some great people here. I don't post often but I read a good bit. Best wishes.
#6
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by Kizzie - March 03, 2026, 05:36:31 PMYes dang it we ARE doing it San. Yay us! 
And we definitely DO deserve some-actually a lot of-kindness and serious consideration. 
Good on you for educating your EMDR colleagues
It's a good example of how some real good can come from spreading the word.
And we definitely DO deserve some-actually a lot of-kindness and serious consideration. Good on you for educating your EMDR colleagues
It's a good example of how some real good can come from spreading the word. #7
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by NarcKiddo - March 03, 2026, 05:21:02 PM
It was a very long time before I was prepared to indicate to my T when I had a problem with something she said or suggested and, like you, I mostly do not really remember those occasions as I would just dissociate the heck through the rest of the session and then not make adequate notes afterwards. But when I did tell her about a historical occasion that had nearly made me sack her before we even really started her complete apology and repair efforts made a massive difference to my trust in her ongoing. She also made reference to the incident and my feelings in a few sessions afterwards. Not excessively but enough to reassure me that she was not just treating it as an "out of the way" problem because she had apologised. She was conscious of the possible need for ongoing repair. There have been other times where she has inadvertently triggered a bad reaction in me which I did not indicate at the time, but was a subject where she could not possibly know she'd hit a tripwire. I think this sort of incident goes with the territory, especially in the early days. If both of you are open to feeling your way carefully along then that would seem a good place to be.
No relationship is perfect but from this incident it sounds like this T could be good enough, at least for the moment. It's good you are processing it all so sensibly.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Armee - March 03, 2026, 04:34:13 PM She sounds good at apologizing and attempting repair instead of forcing her way through. That seems positive for what you need right now.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 03, 2026, 04:08:50 PMthanks, armee. your theory is very interesting, especially the idea that when the emotion might be too strong, it could be overpowering, in which case it does not show itself. a different take than anything i've read, but not without merit. when i think back to the time i rolled/flipped my van, as i was heading off the freeway after having hit black ice and knowing there is no stopping or control available in such a situation, i felt no fear. i imagine most people would have been panicked, screaming, tensed up, something other than sitting back, relaxed, took my feet off the pedals, and kept my hands loosely on the steering wheel just to keep the van from overly curving, and saying in my mind 'here we go', which is what i did.
i was knocked out for a while when hit in the head by the tv coming loose from its moorings, and had a concussion for about 2 months, but i walked away from it. the van itself flipped over, and landed back on its tires and facing the opposite direction. so, it must've been quite a ride, but i wasn't aware, and i never felt afraid. that would certainly fit with your model of emotions keeping to themselves in times when they might be overpowering. thanks so much for this, armee.
therapy was stressful. she was extremely apologetic (something new for me w/ a T) and worried about whether she was the right T for me at all, cuz she didn't want to cause such a terrible response in me in the future. i told her that's why my stuff needs to be in very tiny doses, cuz my mind takes what's said, and in its new state of now being able to explode w/ emotion at times, can be overwhelming to the point (this past time) of thinking of SH.
so, we went back and forth a few times - does she think i'm too much for her? did she want to stop? was i able to stay w/ her regardless of what happened? in the end, we agreed to continue working together, probably mostly w/ me talking about my life experiences. she thought i wanted to be heard, which i have to agree with. i don't know how a T could work w/ me w/o knowing much of what's gone on w/ me.
since she works mainly w/ people who have become disabled, i don't know how much history or past trauma reporting is necessary. i think her forte is mostly ptsd from accidents, injuries, illnesses and the like. but, honestly, some of the other T's i talked w/, as soon as they heard 'dissociation' from me went right to the whole 'parts' idea, and i know i'm not ready for that. so, this may be the way to go for now.
i was knocked out for a while when hit in the head by the tv coming loose from its moorings, and had a concussion for about 2 months, but i walked away from it. the van itself flipped over, and landed back on its tires and facing the opposite direction. so, it must've been quite a ride, but i wasn't aware, and i never felt afraid. that would certainly fit with your model of emotions keeping to themselves in times when they might be overpowering. thanks so much for this, armee.
therapy was stressful. she was extremely apologetic (something new for me w/ a T) and worried about whether she was the right T for me at all, cuz she didn't want to cause such a terrible response in me in the future. i told her that's why my stuff needs to be in very tiny doses, cuz my mind takes what's said, and in its new state of now being able to explode w/ emotion at times, can be overwhelming to the point (this past time) of thinking of SH.
so, we went back and forth a few times - does she think i'm too much for her? did she want to stop? was i able to stay w/ her regardless of what happened? in the end, we agreed to continue working together, probably mostly w/ me talking about my life experiences. she thought i wanted to be heard, which i have to agree with. i don't know how a T could work w/ me w/o knowing much of what's gone on w/ me.
since she works mainly w/ people who have become disabled, i don't know how much history or past trauma reporting is necessary. i think her forte is mostly ptsd from accidents, injuries, illnesses and the like. but, honestly, some of the other T's i talked w/, as soon as they heard 'dissociation' from me went right to the whole 'parts' idea, and i know i'm not ready for that. so, this may be the way to go for now.
#10
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by sanmagic7 - March 03, 2026, 03:33:21 PMjust to add a little more to this thread - my previous T told me she believed emotional/mental wounds were more difficult to heal than the physical wounds. she mentioned the idea that physical abuse is something that can be seen, while the other is unseen. how many times during my life have i read articles about the difference in having physical health issues treated while mental/emotional health issues are overlooked, pooh-pooh'ed, dismissed, minimized and on and on.
yay for science, indeed! when i first joined this forum and read some of the horrible physical abuse of some people, i absolutely wondered if what i went thru could be counted as trauma inducing. the more info coming out and being made public about the effects of mental/emotional/psychological abuse, the easier it is to know i 'belong' here.
when i wrote about traumatization by therapists on the EMDR forum i belonged to at the time, one therapist questioned this, asking if these people weren't experiencing something in a session that was 'very upsetting' (her words) rather than traumatic, as if such a feeling didn't constitute the makings of trauma. this was back in 2018. some very courageous and generous people from this forum allowed me to present examples from their own experience in therapy to the EMDR forum. after reading these, one of the therapists there thanked me for presenting this to them, saying it was a real 'eye opener'.
getting the word out about what constitutes trauma-inducing behavior has been a long, difficult task. but, dang it, we're doing it, and it's beginning to come to light how far-reaching the trauma field really is. there's a reason for dissociation, for EF's, for DID, anxiety, etc., and it's not just cuz we feel like doing such things for fun. we don't 'hang on' to memories cuz we like the way they make us feel. i'm just so glad there is more research going on about the far-reaching effects of trauma, the seriousness of the 'hidden' wounds and how they can take hold of us inside our very bodies and minds to the most minute parts that make us human, including trauma thru the generations.
this trauma beast is the biggest, ugliest thing i've ever encountered, and i'm so glad to be alive to see it being given the respect it deserves, has always deserved. love and hugs to everyone here - we deserve some kindness and serious consideration for what we've gone thru, what we continue to go thru.
yay for science, indeed! when i first joined this forum and read some of the horrible physical abuse of some people, i absolutely wondered if what i went thru could be counted as trauma inducing. the more info coming out and being made public about the effects of mental/emotional/psychological abuse, the easier it is to know i 'belong' here.
when i wrote about traumatization by therapists on the EMDR forum i belonged to at the time, one therapist questioned this, asking if these people weren't experiencing something in a session that was 'very upsetting' (her words) rather than traumatic, as if such a feeling didn't constitute the makings of trauma. this was back in 2018. some very courageous and generous people from this forum allowed me to present examples from their own experience in therapy to the EMDR forum. after reading these, one of the therapists there thanked me for presenting this to them, saying it was a real 'eye opener'.
getting the word out about what constitutes trauma-inducing behavior has been a long, difficult task. but, dang it, we're doing it, and it's beginning to come to light how far-reaching the trauma field really is. there's a reason for dissociation, for EF's, for DID, anxiety, etc., and it's not just cuz we feel like doing such things for fun. we don't 'hang on' to memories cuz we like the way they make us feel. i'm just so glad there is more research going on about the far-reaching effects of trauma, the seriousness of the 'hidden' wounds and how they can take hold of us inside our very bodies and minds to the most minute parts that make us human, including trauma thru the generations.
this trauma beast is the biggest, ugliest thing i've ever encountered, and i'm so glad to be alive to see it being given the respect it deserves, has always deserved. love and hugs to everyone here - we deserve some kindness and serious consideration for what we've gone thru, what we continue to go thru.