Recent posts
#1
DR - Disturbed Relationships / Re: Talking about jealousy
Last post by cinclearly - Today at 03:03:01 PMThank you all for the kind support! 
I´m tipping this wishing that right now each one of you are feeling all the love you put out into the world.
Thank you so much!
I´m tipping this wishing that right now each one of you are feeling all the love you put out into the world.
Thank you so much!
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 11:56:49 AMI wanted to put in writing my identity journey as well. Contains TW: suicidal, body dysmorphia.
In 2020, on my 30th birthday, my identity crisis hit full force. I was reading a lot of BL manga at the time and my mind jumped from how would it feel to be a man to what if I actually was one. That single thought changed something in me. It made me suicidal and I started having intrusive thoughts
The truth is I had already been questioning in my 20s. A teacher once told me that in our profession we are gender neutral. I took it literally because I wanted to seem professional, so I tried to imagine what being neutral meant. I experimented a little, but I had no real understanding of gender at the time. I thought gender neutrality meant erasing my gender altogether. That misunderstanding pushed me into a terrible panic attack, so I stopped trying.
But on my 30th birthday, the crisis came back ten times stronger.
The moment I thought, what if I was a man? I broke down. I was shaking, crying, trembling everywhere. It was like a shock running through my whole body. I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself. The eyes were mine, but everything else looked distorted, almost monstrous. In hindsight, that's when my body dysmorphia truly surfaced, because even before all this, I was already obsessing over my reflection, avoiding mirrors and wanting to smash them out of frustration.
Looking back further, it makes sense. As a kid I was tomboyish and rebellious. I didn't fit typical expectations. I spoke my mind loudly. But I was constantly pushed into caretaker roles like babysitting, being the responsible one. I felt like people were trying to box me into something that wasn't me.
Before any gender questioning started I was already wrestling with my sexuality. I never labeled it back then, but I suspected I was a lesbian. I buried that thought deep because I knew it wouldn't be accepted. I was much less open-minded back then and I carried a lot of internalized homophobia. Thankfully I don't anymore.
But trauma doesn't separate things neatly. My sexuality and my gender questioning overlapped and tangled into one overwhelming mess. That's why I talk about both together. I know they're separate, but one absolutely affected the other.
Femininity itself felt like a burden.
Not because of who I am, but because of society's expectations: marriage, motherhood, being a proper woman. None of that fit me. I felt uncomfortable being overly feminine. And on top of that, my body didn't make it easier. Fragile health, genetics and very large breasts that cause physical pain and breathing issues didn't help my relationship with my body at all, not to mention other traumatic events within unsafe enviroment.
Eventually I identified as a transgender man for two years.
I lived fully as a guy with male name, he/him pronouns. It actually felt comfortable in many ways, but my dysphoria didn't match the experiences I heard from other trans people. Something was always slightly off, but I didn't know how to name it.
I eventually got a gender dysphoria diagnosis from my psychiatrist, submitted the application and got called in front of the gender committee (psychologists, psychiatrists, a gynecologist). I thought everything would go smoothly. Instead, they told me I needed to work on my mental health first and they didn't see clear evidence of gender dysphoria.
It shocked me. I genuinely thought I was on the right path. I had prepared myself emotionally for testosterone. Hearing not yet or we don't think this fits was a punch in the gut.
The only place that helped me process everything was another forum I eventually outgrew. They supported me through the entire journey. I had some things going on, but I had formed an unhealthy attachement to the forum and due to some stuff happening I figured out that I am genderfluid as I felt that weird shift. I don't know. Someone that shift and my experiences of gender guestioning started to all make sense, even together with trauma.
After a long time now finding a label haven't made me happy. I went back to gender neutrality and I was okay, but genderfluid discovery made me happy. I don't know. It's strange.
Like sometimes I am one and other times other. Sometimes fem and other times masc or gender neutral. Sometimes I like women as a female and men, when I am more masc or gender neutral.
With gender the other thing that comes into play is sexuality, but I think bisexual does fit me best and others have said that the things I say feel like someone who is bisexual.
For the longest time bisexual term was so uncomfortable.
I think the forum was a catalyst.
The forum was a catalyst as there I first found out about euphoria and I think that my mind in ways tried to hold onto a lead to my identity, so it misfired some signals, where I fully started to think I was trangender male. I thought I felt euphoria during dissassociation episode.
And when the possibility for me to be in the forum, what was like a part of my identity was cut, then it all collapsed, which is why I lost all direction of my identity, but in ways it was good for me.
In 2020, on my 30th birthday, my identity crisis hit full force. I was reading a lot of BL manga at the time and my mind jumped from how would it feel to be a man to what if I actually was one. That single thought changed something in me. It made me suicidal and I started having intrusive thoughts
The truth is I had already been questioning in my 20s. A teacher once told me that in our profession we are gender neutral. I took it literally because I wanted to seem professional, so I tried to imagine what being neutral meant. I experimented a little, but I had no real understanding of gender at the time. I thought gender neutrality meant erasing my gender altogether. That misunderstanding pushed me into a terrible panic attack, so I stopped trying.
But on my 30th birthday, the crisis came back ten times stronger.
The moment I thought, what if I was a man? I broke down. I was shaking, crying, trembling everywhere. It was like a shock running through my whole body. I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself. The eyes were mine, but everything else looked distorted, almost monstrous. In hindsight, that's when my body dysmorphia truly surfaced, because even before all this, I was already obsessing over my reflection, avoiding mirrors and wanting to smash them out of frustration.
Looking back further, it makes sense. As a kid I was tomboyish and rebellious. I didn't fit typical expectations. I spoke my mind loudly. But I was constantly pushed into caretaker roles like babysitting, being the responsible one. I felt like people were trying to box me into something that wasn't me.
Before any gender questioning started I was already wrestling with my sexuality. I never labeled it back then, but I suspected I was a lesbian. I buried that thought deep because I knew it wouldn't be accepted. I was much less open-minded back then and I carried a lot of internalized homophobia. Thankfully I don't anymore.
But trauma doesn't separate things neatly. My sexuality and my gender questioning overlapped and tangled into one overwhelming mess. That's why I talk about both together. I know they're separate, but one absolutely affected the other.
Femininity itself felt like a burden.
Not because of who I am, but because of society's expectations: marriage, motherhood, being a proper woman. None of that fit me. I felt uncomfortable being overly feminine. And on top of that, my body didn't make it easier. Fragile health, genetics and very large breasts that cause physical pain and breathing issues didn't help my relationship with my body at all, not to mention other traumatic events within unsafe enviroment.
Eventually I identified as a transgender man for two years.
I lived fully as a guy with male name, he/him pronouns. It actually felt comfortable in many ways, but my dysphoria didn't match the experiences I heard from other trans people. Something was always slightly off, but I didn't know how to name it.
I eventually got a gender dysphoria diagnosis from my psychiatrist, submitted the application and got called in front of the gender committee (psychologists, psychiatrists, a gynecologist). I thought everything would go smoothly. Instead, they told me I needed to work on my mental health first and they didn't see clear evidence of gender dysphoria.
It shocked me. I genuinely thought I was on the right path. I had prepared myself emotionally for testosterone. Hearing not yet or we don't think this fits was a punch in the gut.
The only place that helped me process everything was another forum I eventually outgrew. They supported me through the entire journey. I had some things going on, but I had formed an unhealthy attachement to the forum and due to some stuff happening I figured out that I am genderfluid as I felt that weird shift. I don't know. Someone that shift and my experiences of gender guestioning started to all make sense, even together with trauma.
After a long time now finding a label haven't made me happy. I went back to gender neutrality and I was okay, but genderfluid discovery made me happy. I don't know. It's strange.
Like sometimes I am one and other times other. Sometimes fem and other times masc or gender neutral. Sometimes I like women as a female and men, when I am more masc or gender neutral.
With gender the other thing that comes into play is sexuality, but I think bisexual does fit me best and others have said that the things I say feel like someone who is bisexual.
For the longest time bisexual term was so uncomfortable.
I think the forum was a catalyst.
The forum was a catalyst as there I first found out about euphoria and I think that my mind in ways tried to hold onto a lead to my identity, so it misfired some signals, where I fully started to think I was trangender male. I thought I felt euphoria during dissassociation episode.
And when the possibility for me to be in the forum, what was like a part of my identity was cut, then it all collapsed, which is why I lost all direction of my identity, but in ways it was good for me.
#3
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: For those struggling with ...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 07, 2025, 07:44:59 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on December 07, 2025, 11:55:04 AMI struggle horribly with the holidays. It starts in October with my birthday. Then there's a bit of a lull before the main holiday season, and then all my FOO have birthdays during the following eight weeks. I'd hoped after 2 or 3 years of therapy that things might feel a bit easier. Objectively I have to admit that things are a bit easier and I am handling things better. But Little NK still struggles massively with the whole thing and it does not take much to send me into an EF.Sounds terribly familiar Narckiddo.
Big hugs for all of us here.
#4
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: For those struggling with ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 07, 2025, 06:51:03 PMQuote from: Chart on December 07, 2025, 12:41:42 PMWhat if we did an open zoom meeting during the holidays? Open to all. Not sure how we could structure it. Could be a little complicated... But I find the thought kinda warming...
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 07, 2025, 02:31:24 PMI don't well myself due to being sick and demanded for stuff like that and not taking me into consideration at all is unfair.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 07, 2025, 02:25:42 PMMy grandma called me and asked if I'm at home and can chat. She wanted me to go with her for shopping my family's presents and help pick them out and because she gets dizzy on the elevator. It was a bit demanding that any day of the next week could I go. I said I'm busy and she was like is there really no day I could spare and when I said no, then she had this dissapointed voice. I mean not asking about how I feel or am at all, just go with her. She's also one of the narcissistic people.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 07, 2025, 12:51:18 PMQuote from: Chart on December 07, 2025, 12:24:26 PMRan, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
Thank you Chart.
I just needed to let it all out. It helped a little. #8
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: For those struggling with ...
Last post by Chart - December 07, 2025, 12:41:42 PMWhat if we did an open zoom meeting during the holidays? Open to all. Not sure how we could structure it. Could be a little complicated... But I find the thought kinda warming...
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - December 07, 2025, 12:24:26 PMRan, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
#10