Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by Little2Nothing - Today at 04:35:47 PMChart, I think you're right that this is a form of grief. It is encouraging to read about you're connection with your younger self and how healing it has been.
I'm sure I will get there eventually. I was just able to see myself at 10 years old as being a 10 yr old. I have been disconnected from that part of my life. I'm learning to give 10 year old me some slack. When I looked back I despised that part of me for being weak.
I would not be that harsh on any other 10 yr old I know. I can look with empathy on any child (not me) suffering abuse. Intellectually I know that is absurd. But, I guess intelligence and trauma are two different things. It has been a struggle making the connection.
Anyway, I'm working on it and hope I will get to where you are.
Thanks for sharing, by the way. It is an encouragement to me
I'm sure I will get there eventually. I was just able to see myself at 10 years old as being a 10 yr old. I have been disconnected from that part of my life. I'm learning to give 10 year old me some slack. When I looked back I despised that part of me for being weak.
I would not be that harsh on any other 10 yr old I know. I can look with empathy on any child (not me) suffering abuse. Intellectually I know that is absurd. But, I guess intelligence and trauma are two different things. It has been a struggle making the connection.
Anyway, I'm working on it and hope I will get to where you are.
Thanks for sharing, by the way. It is an encouragement to me
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 04:29:52 PMinteresting, SO, about the vitamins. some people can tolerate some things, others can't at all. we're marvelous as being different. i'll let her know. thank you for the info. 
thanks for your support, chart.
thank you, NK - you made me smile!
the phone consult didn't go cuz it turned out she was in a different state. the other T i contacted doesn't take insurance/medicare so that was also done before it began. i emailed 2 other T's, in state, who, if i read it right, do take medicare, so we'll see what happens. fingers crossed! it's helpful now that a lot of them do zoom calls/televisists or whatever it's called. hopefully, someone will check in with me.
thanks for your support, chart.
thank you, NK - you made me smile!
the phone consult didn't go cuz it turned out she was in a different state. the other T i contacted doesn't take insurance/medicare so that was also done before it began. i emailed 2 other T's, in state, who, if i read it right, do take medicare, so we'll see what happens. fingers crossed! it's helpful now that a lot of them do zoom calls/televisists or whatever it's called. hopefully, someone will check in with me.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 04:23:58 PMhey, SO, so glad you got a road trip under your belt at one point - those are my thing, or were, before the anxiety took over. but i'll never forget. and i'm sure you won't either.
i listened to part of this 'canto', but couldn't get all the way through. i noticed the people lying on the floor, and her first notes reminded me of those 'singing' bowls people use to adjust their chakras or something. unfortunately, they do not resonate w/ my energy at all. and his repetitiveness also went against my grain, so i had to stop. i'm sure this is a wonderful piece for a lot of people, and thanks for placing it here. it reaffirmed my problems w/ these kinds of energy works. can't do tai chi, or others like that, either.
good for you for lining up connections for yourself. i'm smiling for you right now. well done! love and hugs
i listened to part of this 'canto', but couldn't get all the way through. i noticed the people lying on the floor, and her first notes reminded me of those 'singing' bowls people use to adjust their chakras or something. unfortunately, they do not resonate w/ my energy at all. and his repetitiveness also went against my grain, so i had to stop. i'm sure this is a wonderful piece for a lot of people, and thanks for placing it here. it reaffirmed my problems w/ these kinds of energy works. can't do tai chi, or others like that, either.
good for you for lining up connections for yourself. i'm smiling for you right now. well done! love and hugs
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 04:13:55 PMdear chart, i just want you to know that to this day, and i've been part of this forum for at least 10 yrs., i still doubt my posts, especially to others, that i've gone over the line, i'm being intrusive rather than supportive, giving 'advice' or 'therapy' when i'm not supposed to - yep, still working on knowing i'm writing from the heart and only want the best for anyone and everyone here.
i know i've made mistakes, and have had mistakes made against me, but there have only been less than a handful of people who truly have gone too far, and they were dealt with appropriately by kizzie. you have not even been close. your support and kindness and caring have shone thru clearly, and i've welcomed every word from you. if there's been a misunderstanding in communication, we clear it up. you have been a wonderful member of this forum to my mind.
good for you for having that 51% goal. it sounds good. great, actually. i'm in your corner all the way. you're valuable to me. love and hugs
i know i've made mistakes, and have had mistakes made against me, but there have only been less than a handful of people who truly have gone too far, and they were dealt with appropriately by kizzie. you have not even been close. your support and kindness and caring have shone thru clearly, and i've welcomed every word from you. if there's been a misunderstanding in communication, we clear it up. you have been a wonderful member of this forum to my mind.
good for you for having that 51% goal. it sounds good. great, actually. i'm in your corner all the way. you're valuable to me. love and hugs
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - Today at 03:50:40 PMThank you Big Blue and Chart. I continue to feel like I'm responding well. I did as I said and reread my list of grievances and I know it's unforgivable and I mustn't give in to empathy for the safety of that child who was neglected.
I think if anything, its helpful, because I've been wanting to write this essay about a thing I've noticed in the world, and my poor sorry parents support it. They need more community. To have failed so much that me ignoring them for, oh, its been like four months now? Is hurting them... Well, I had said to her, you need others now! Live your life! You don't need me. I didn't really need you at all in my youth, after all.
But, now, they have no friends or joys because they were hateful and poor planners. My mother is letting my poor father suffer because of excuse after excuse and I have nothing left to help them. I am too chronically ill to have time for them AND me, so I have chosen me.
It is sad, but it was what they did to themselves. They both bullied me. I shall honor the humanity and softness of my father by following in his positive traits. I have nothing to say of my mother.
I slept in because of how my pills help me relax. Very helpful, haven't had to take them in a while, but they still stop me from panicking (even though I was hardly close to doing so) and give me a good deserved sleep. But, I must go exercise now. Tonight I'm making tofu and I'm going to prepare for friends visiting us for a early holiday dinner!
I think if anything, its helpful, because I've been wanting to write this essay about a thing I've noticed in the world, and my poor sorry parents support it. They need more community. To have failed so much that me ignoring them for, oh, its been like four months now? Is hurting them... Well, I had said to her, you need others now! Live your life! You don't need me. I didn't really need you at all in my youth, after all.
But, now, they have no friends or joys because they were hateful and poor planners. My mother is letting my poor father suffer because of excuse after excuse and I have nothing left to help them. I am too chronically ill to have time for them AND me, so I have chosen me.
It is sad, but it was what they did to themselves. They both bullied me. I shall honor the humanity and softness of my father by following in his positive traits. I have nothing to say of my mother.
I slept in because of how my pills help me relax. Very helpful, haven't had to take them in a while, but they still stop me from panicking (even though I was hardly close to doing so) and give me a good deserved sleep. But, I must go exercise now. Tonight I'm making tofu and I'm going to prepare for friends visiting us for a early holiday dinner!
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 01:46:47 PMWelcome back! 2.0. Onward to unapologetic 
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:40:45 PMYay for it being sunny out. 
And for a good idea for a new journal. I think the tipping point objective makes a lot of sense.
And for a good idea for a new journal. I think the tipping point objective makes a lot of sense. #8
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:33:22 PMI hope the phone consultation went well.
And well done to your DD with her assessment.
And well done to your DD with her assessment.
#9
Recovery Journals / The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - Today at 12:31:05 PMEvery time I post on the Forum, I feel fear. I write from my heart. I write from my soul. But every single expression I make/do/express, I fear. I fear I'm going too far. I fear what others will think. I fear I am a "bad person" and my rejection will swiftly follow.
For this reason I almost always return and reread my post. I've learned to absolutely NOT TRUST my fear.
Rereading what I've written, usually a day later, I have a clearer sense of what my objective truly was. I have some distance. Usually, nearly always, it's okay. I think, No no, that was nice or kind or helpful... then I think... why was I scared in the first place?
I'm scared because I suffer from Cptsd. Developmental trauma has shaped my life like a sculptor starting fresh with cold hard stone. What was hammered into me as a baby was chaos, fear and utter confusion.
And I remember nothing. My mother left the hurricane when I was four-years-old. Like a tsunami that carried me deeply inland, I awoke one day and realized: the man who never loved me has now truly disappeared... I don't think my mother "explained" anything. What can you explain? Can Cptsd be "explained"? I think not. Only those who have directly experienced it can fully know the eternal chaos of obsessive mental torture that follows us around like a decaying corpse...
sorry, that's the wrong path...
This journal, I want it to be about what I've come to understand. Its been two years since I collapsed mentally. I've made good progress... solid progress. I've shaken off the corpse and that stink only wafts my way four days out of the week. At this very moment I've only sensed the Depression very briefly, once today. Today is an exceptional day. Tomorrow it could all revert again. If I've learned one thing, it's that it's not over. Just feeling better a couple hours, a day or two, well, "it" comes back. Cptsd is chewing gum on the sidewalk... and I stepped right in it.
"The tipping point" is now my objective. I want to feel okay 51% of my time here on this earth. I also want to vanquish this thing. I want to fight. I'm tired of being shamed and doubting and folding and feeling like a crumpled-up piece of trash not even in a waste bin... just lying there on a curb or in a gutter...
I want to get to a point where MORE than half of my life is "relatively" free of the razor-depression-pain of horror.
I hate this thing... and I'm wondering if hate is truly helpful.
Anyway, there's doubt... I know that feeling too. It goes on the shelf like all the other "crap".
First journal entry, new journal. Much I want to say. Didn't even scratch the surface.
It's sunny out today.
Sending love and hugs to you all.
Chart
For this reason I almost always return and reread my post. I've learned to absolutely NOT TRUST my fear.
Rereading what I've written, usually a day later, I have a clearer sense of what my objective truly was. I have some distance. Usually, nearly always, it's okay. I think, No no, that was nice or kind or helpful... then I think... why was I scared in the first place?
I'm scared because I suffer from Cptsd. Developmental trauma has shaped my life like a sculptor starting fresh with cold hard stone. What was hammered into me as a baby was chaos, fear and utter confusion.
And I remember nothing. My mother left the hurricane when I was four-years-old. Like a tsunami that carried me deeply inland, I awoke one day and realized: the man who never loved me has now truly disappeared... I don't think my mother "explained" anything. What can you explain? Can Cptsd be "explained"? I think not. Only those who have directly experienced it can fully know the eternal chaos of obsessive mental torture that follows us around like a decaying corpse...
sorry, that's the wrong path...
This journal, I want it to be about what I've come to understand. Its been two years since I collapsed mentally. I've made good progress... solid progress. I've shaken off the corpse and that stink only wafts my way four days out of the week. At this very moment I've only sensed the Depression very briefly, once today. Today is an exceptional day. Tomorrow it could all revert again. If I've learned one thing, it's that it's not over. Just feeling better a couple hours, a day or two, well, "it" comes back. Cptsd is chewing gum on the sidewalk... and I stepped right in it.
"The tipping point" is now my objective. I want to feel okay 51% of my time here on this earth. I also want to vanquish this thing. I want to fight. I'm tired of being shamed and doubting and folding and feeling like a crumpled-up piece of trash not even in a waste bin... just lying there on a curb or in a gutter...
I want to get to a point where MORE than half of my life is "relatively" free of the razor-depression-pain of horror.
I hate this thing... and I'm wondering if hate is truly helpful.
Anyway, there's doubt... I know that feeling too. It goes on the shelf like all the other "crap".
First journal entry, new journal. Much I want to say. Didn't even scratch the surface.
It's sunny out today.
Sending love and hugs to you all.
Chart
