Recent posts

#1

Friends / Re: I can make friends but I c...

Last post by ednasurvivalmode - Today at 06:23:45 PM

Blaithe, I have recently tried to focus on what NarcKiddo suggests. Just meeting new people and continuing to go to that place, even when I don't want to. At the beginning of this year, I had a great group of people I could enjoy being around for a few hours and trust(enough to not quit). It took me a year to build that. Many times, I'd question the smallest behavior or word and wonder if they really didn't want me there. I fought it, stuck around and they closed down. I never got close enough though to keep in touch through the phone and I dont have social media. So, I am starting over and it took me a while to do that. Once I relax and stop caring if people like me, I notice people approach me more. I also observed that others struggle just as much as we do. (Similar to what Blueberry said about the delayed or no reply.) I'm always blown away by that, feeling like the only broken one in the room.
Is there something that interests you? Maybe try going super slow, like NarcKiddo said.
I wish you much healing, Blaithe.

#2

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Definitely still out in th...

Last post by ednasurvivalmode - Today at 06:00:55 PM

Welcome, TheBigBlue!

#3

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here

Last post by ednasurvivalmode - Today at 05:52:49 PM

Welcome!

#4

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: new here - still in the st...

Last post by ednasurvivalmode - Today at 05:50:47 PM

Hello and welcome, beauty4ashes13. Thank you for sharing your story here. Many replies show that we've all had similar experiences. I reached out and wished a childhood friend a happy thanksgiving. Similar to you, we've often gone long periods without contact. She has yet to reply and it really hurt because she usually does. But I do remember from the most recent conversations that her husband is abusive, emotionally that I know of and physically in the past. We both cling to one another because she knew my family and I knew hers and we both went through trauma at their hands and often witnessed it at each other's houses. Perhaps your friend is reaching a point in her own life where she feels she needs to put up that protective wall?
I hope you can find comfort and peace. I am sorry that your friend was so unkind to you.

#5

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: For those struggling with ...

Last post by ednasurvivalmode - Today at 05:16:14 PM

Recovery68, I'm touched that it resonates with you, regardless of time. You aren't alone. Many times, rejection sends me so far back that it can take a while to find my footing. But I have learned that being alone doesn't have to be terrible. I like to think of what I can do that's simple but brings me joy. Perhaps something I was shamed for enjoying in childhood or something I always wanted to do but was too afraid to try in front of past abusers. I'm thankful that you posted here, Recovery68. I hope you find some small glimmer to brighten your time. 

#6

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Ran - Today at 03:17:45 PM

Glad to hear the medication is helping, Ran.
 

Thank you. 

#7

Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey

Last post by Ran - Today at 03:17:17 PM

One thing I'm doing for health purposes is work with my inner child. What helps me be more healthy is that in kindergarten we had vitamin breaks, where we got to snack on fruit or vedgetables. I'm trying to blend it into my routine, that on specific time I go to the kitchen and cut up some fruit, vedgetables etc and put them on plate and eat it. I don't usually take drink other than water too then.

#8

Recovery Journals / Re: starting over

Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:11:01 PM

thank you, all of you.  more later.  i'm not in a good place today, had a run-in about therapy, trying to find a T, got lied to, went all frazzled, and i'm completely worn out today.  love you all - you're the best.

#9

Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?

Last post by Dark.art.girl - Today at 05:02:33 AM

Desert Flower, you're so sweet for taking the time to read my journal here to show support. Also, thank you for validating that experience--my dad did in fact collect evidence to have her charged but decided against it. She also fled to another state on the opposite side of the country. But no further update regarding what happened to the case from when I was 12.

You also validated my difficulty speaking about my feelings. Even now, I find myself going completely silent in times where emotions are high--I miss EMDR. I found it so so helpful.

Also big thanks to Papa Coco and Chart for your responses, you're both so kind and supportive. Regarding disassociation, it's becoming more and more of an issue for me. I'm not quite sure how to put a stop to it. The distracting is really intense. I thought taking away my social media would be a way to counteract it but I find other ways to mentally detach. Staring, listening to a show or podcast, etc. Time is moving like a current and I'm getting swept away from shore and into open waters. I'm in limbo. Not feeling as morbid, just stuck under a veil.

Much love to you all, you deserve the most. 

#10

Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...

Last post by Marcine - Today at 04:42:29 AM

Thanks TheBigBlue and Desert Flower for your support.

I've been exploring what it means to be authentically myself. And finding there's a lot of unhelpful habits that operate in my day to day, way more than I consciously realized...

For instance, I'm aware that I cultivate a competent, chill demeanor, but I didn't realize the depth of perfectionism and control that underpins it. I'm not by nature a controlling person and so I can see the learned aspect of tightly clutching to known security like a castaway to a life ring.

But awareness alone doesn't free me from the tyrannical cycle of: fears-clutching-desperate search for security-self contortion.

This week on my quest to be more authentic, I've made some mistakes and I've felt vulnerable because of it and I've realized the grief of how foreign this all seems, this business of being a human being... and again I wonder what I am doing.

But there's no going back, there never is for me, once awareness dawns and I refuse to pretend.

At heart, I am a bad pretender. I am a not-good faker. I am unskilled at telling lies... oh, except for the lies I was force-fed and have told myself all my life. Those I got very good at telling to convince myself. But I also always oriented to truth.

So, what a quandary. Now no longer willing to lie to myself AND not yet ready to fully emerge as my genuine self.

I wish it felt more like a hermit crab that is vulnerable for a time as it grows and must move to a new, better-suited shell home.

Right now I feel like a turtle whose protective shell is fused to its very body existence and cannot survive without it.