Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 08:44:08 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on Today at 03:04:53 AMRan, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
Thank you TheBigBlue. Your words have been comforting to read. I want to participate more in the forum itself, but when down like this, then I don't think I can be very reliable with what I say, but I'll try. I'm still trying to grasp everything of how the forum is like, but I'll get it eventually.
My graphic design course offers me some distraction and fun, so that's good I think. He also asked about mental health stuff, because I've been in bad place for few years and about if it's related to sexuality and I said:it started with around the time I had my identity crisis. I was in huge distress. I was scared I'd be disowned and exiled. It was all very vague and I didn't know half back then about gender or sexuality. Those things are so hush hush, where I'm from as city I live in is very conservative. Not everyone within my family are accepting of everything, but I don't care about it anymore as I know they need me and I still need them. It's kinda being codependent on each other what isn't healthy, but for me at least right now as I'm not financially capable of getting my own place, then it's the only solution right now. My dad can be controlling and toxic and don't believe in mental health and is in denial about my sexuality, but needs me for caregiving. I don't think he himself acknowledges it all. I did burnout due to caregiving fatigue. I took academic leave from university too, because everything just got too much the load for me was tremmendous.
If you know that Disney movie Encanto, then I feel just like Luisa did, when she was singing the song called surface pressure, like all the bricks are on her/my shoulders. I feel that entire tension on me all the time, not to mention being on fight or flight 24/7 like someone in a war constantly. I have accepted myself now more or less. Previously I went around in circles. I guess trauma blurred my true feelings. I like to think of my sexuality that I just like everyone. There is no need to put myself into restriction like a label, even though for descriptive purpose I say that I am a bisexual, when at first that label gave me ton of uncomfortableness.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 08:08:47 AMThank you again Papa Coco. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes. For being seen.
Yes, this does ring true to me. Being the Gilligan, the odd one out.
I have been feeling like the odd one out for a very very long time, possibly always. Feeling I don't belong, feeling I don't fit in. I think it started with my M, I think actually she was a Gilligan herself in her family, she did not know how to connect to any of them or to us. And for a long time, I had been thinking I 'should' be able to do everything all the other moms did, but it was just so terribly hard for me and I had an idea that maybe I was different. And now I know, my wiring is indeed different. And now that I've spoken up about this, at work too, I feel like they are looking at me differently because of this. And really, it's good that I'm being more congruent but it's hard too. Knowing I'm different is one thing but than doing enough to protect myself, give myself time to recuperate, doing what's needed to take care of myself, is another.
It's not that I don't see any progress, I do actually, comparing myself to a year ago or the years before. I am so much more aware of what's going on. And there are times that I am actually okay, relaxed. Although it's been a while. But now I'm thinking, will this get any better? Or will this be it? Because I wouldn't exactly call it comfortable.
I am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.
While trying to stay afloat. What I find hard is that 'regular' people don't understand (how could they?) that just trying to stay afloat is so hard already, even without all the extra activities. And I am doing both.
I'm ever so grateful OOTS is here and we can be Gilligans together.
Yes, this does ring true to me. Being the Gilligan, the odd one out.
I have been feeling like the odd one out for a very very long time, possibly always. Feeling I don't belong, feeling I don't fit in. I think it started with my M, I think actually she was a Gilligan herself in her family, she did not know how to connect to any of them or to us. And for a long time, I had been thinking I 'should' be able to do everything all the other moms did, but it was just so terribly hard for me and I had an idea that maybe I was different. And now I know, my wiring is indeed different. And now that I've spoken up about this, at work too, I feel like they are looking at me differently because of this. And really, it's good that I'm being more congruent but it's hard too. Knowing I'm different is one thing but than doing enough to protect myself, give myself time to recuperate, doing what's needed to take care of myself, is another.
It's not that I don't see any progress, I do actually, comparing myself to a year ago or the years before. I am so much more aware of what's going on. And there are times that I am actually okay, relaxed. Although it's been a while. But now I'm thinking, will this get any better? Or will this be it? Because I wouldn't exactly call it comfortable.
I am so tired. I'm on the verge of tears. I don't know how to keep this up at the moment. I'm hair triggered. I feel depleted. I really just wanna hybernate. I've been looking into why this is, because last summer, I was doing a lot better. But looking back at my schedule of the past months revealed that I have been working very very very hard indeed to get everything done 'the way it should' and doing it then instead of later because 'I had to'. Lots of extra training sessions at work, lots of unexpected stuff I 've had to take care of relating to my mothers estate, an extra guinea pig that needed night feeding and surgery, having a very scary hospital appointment myself, all of which caused EF's that I've had not enough time to recover from. And too little time to do all of my meditations or yoga or time alone to reset the nervous system like I need.
While trying to stay afloat. What I find hard is that 'regular' people don't understand (how could they?) that just trying to stay afloat is so hard already, even without all the extra activities. And I am doing both.
I'm ever so grateful OOTS is here and we can be Gilligans together.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 07:02:38 AMThank you Papa Coco, you are so kind. Wishing you all the best for the holidays as well and lots of relaxation too.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:04:53 AMRan, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
#5
Recovery Journals / Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:24:42 AMHello,
I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.
I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 09:30:28 PMDF:
I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.
I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.
I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.
I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.
You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!
PC.
I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.
I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.
I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.
I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.
You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!
PC.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 09:09:15 PMTheBigBlue,
Your hugs are well received. Thank you!
Desert Flower,
Your hugs are also as well received and thank you too. AND No apologies are needed about responding to my post. I welcome the responses. I love the responses!!! I always hope for responses. I feel less alone in the world when we all respond to one another. I don't see your response as rambling, I see it as joining with me and connecting our Holiday stressors in the spirit of togetherness. I hope that the absence of your mother's criticisms this year does indeed make this Thanksgiving a lot less stressful than any in the past. I hope that as the remaining family becomes allowed now to view you through their own eyes, rather than through hers, that you find some rest and inner peace within your relations with a few of them too.
My critical family is mostly all gone now, and I do, I truly DO find it nice to not have to defend myself against their twisted perspectives of who I am and have always been. I'm finding it easier to forgive a few relatives now that the antagonist is gone and the abuse has pretty much stopped finally. (I remain No Contact with them, but I don't hate or even fear them anymore. I just remain NC because it's just better to leave sleeping dogs lie).
I wish you a new Thanksgiving wish with an extra dose of relaxation this year.
PC.
Your hugs are well received. Thank you!
Desert Flower,
Your hugs are also as well received and thank you too. AND No apologies are needed about responding to my post. I welcome the responses. I love the responses!!! I always hope for responses. I feel less alone in the world when we all respond to one another. I don't see your response as rambling, I see it as joining with me and connecting our Holiday stressors in the spirit of togetherness. I hope that the absence of your mother's criticisms this year does indeed make this Thanksgiving a lot less stressful than any in the past. I hope that as the remaining family becomes allowed now to view you through their own eyes, rather than through hers, that you find some rest and inner peace within your relations with a few of them too.
My critical family is mostly all gone now, and I do, I truly DO find it nice to not have to defend myself against their twisted perspectives of who I am and have always been. I'm finding it easier to forgive a few relatives now that the antagonist is gone and the abuse has pretty much stopped finally. (I remain No Contact with them, but I don't hate or even fear them anymore. I just remain NC because it's just better to leave sleeping dogs lie).
I wish you a new Thanksgiving wish with an extra dose of relaxation this year.
PC.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 26, 2025, 07:16:20 PM #9
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 26, 2025, 07:06:30 PMHi Papa Coco, thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts once again, they are ever so helpful to me.
Yes, dreading the holiday season over here too, just filled out a questionnaire about that for a trauma patients panel I am on. I wish we could do without any of these 'festive' days where we should, should, should all 'enjoy' ourselves (when in reality we are only being triggered, triggered, triggered). But we will get through them together on OOTS!
The only difference is, just a few days ago it struck me, this year might be different because this year, with my M gone, I will not have to deal with any of her opinions, rejections, non-support etc. etc. throughout these days. I can just be me (I hope, whatever the others think of me, let them think - I'm trying to install this new path here).
Apologies for rambling in your journal.
Yes, dreading the holiday season over here too, just filled out a questionnaire about that for a trauma patients panel I am on. I wish we could do without any of these 'festive' days where we should, should, should all 'enjoy' ourselves (when in reality we are only being triggered, triggered, triggered). But we will get through them together on OOTS!
The only difference is, just a few days ago it struck me, this year might be different because this year, with my M gone, I will not have to deal with any of her opinions, rejections, non-support etc. etc. throughout these days. I can just be me (I hope, whatever the others think of me, let them think - I'm trying to install this new path here).
Apologies for rambling in your journal.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 06:59:15 PMSO,
Thank you for sharing this inspiring report of how connecting with nature, and hard work, and off grid exercise, and sleeping when it's dark and working while it's light is being so healing for you right now.
My focus went mostly onto your comment that "It's a lot better to have already accepted that it's not really up to me what happens. Makes the journey so much lighter."
I just finished a novel where a man walked a 2000 mile highway from Chicago to California, Route 66. He brought up that same comment, that the journey IS the destination.
You are on that journey now in your isolation, and you are where you want to be and it's inspiring to read about it.
Again, thank you for sharing this experience with us, and I'll be thinking about you more while you're still in it and while you're coming back from it. I hope that the experience gives some of that irreversible growth that sometimes happens. Sometimes, when we experience something new, we never forget it. We never return to where we were before we knew it. Once we learn how to ride a bike we never return to a person that didn't know how to ride a bike. Growth is a one-way journey that IS the destination.
PC
Thank you for sharing this inspiring report of how connecting with nature, and hard work, and off grid exercise, and sleeping when it's dark and working while it's light is being so healing for you right now.
My focus went mostly onto your comment that "It's a lot better to have already accepted that it's not really up to me what happens. Makes the journey so much lighter."
I just finished a novel where a man walked a 2000 mile highway from Chicago to California, Route 66. He brought up that same comment, that the journey IS the destination.
You are on that journey now in your isolation, and you are where you want to be and it's inspiring to read about it.
Again, thank you for sharing this experience with us, and I'll be thinking about you more while you're still in it and while you're coming back from it. I hope that the experience gives some of that irreversible growth that sometimes happens. Sometimes, when we experience something new, we never forget it. We never return to where we were before we knew it. Once we learn how to ride a bike we never return to a person that didn't know how to ride a bike. Growth is a one-way journey that IS the destination.
PC