Recent posts
#1
Therapy / Re: Craniosacral Therapy (CST)...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 21, 2026, 08:13:19 PMThank you all 
#2
Conferences/Courses / Re: Interoception & Trauma Sum...
Last post by Kizzie - February 21, 2026, 07:59:22 PMTks for posting these Dolly and BB!
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 21, 2026, 07:04:08 PMNarcKiddo, thank you for sharing your experience. Your username says it all!
I was both devastated and resonated with your description of your M treating you like a toy. I'm so sorry. That is horrific. And it resonates. Yes, we were like objects to them.
I see that in your experience it sounds capricious, like you couldn't often tell what caused the change. Somehow in my FOO the rules were more clear. Thank you for sharing how it was for you.
I also resonated with thinking one parent was an enabler initially. I also at first thought only one parent was a narc. Took more understanding to realize both were.
Thank you again for reading and commenting. I'm sorry for all of us. May you continue to find healing in yourself, outside of these toxic, unfair and limiting roles.
I was both devastated and resonated with your description of your M treating you like a toy. I'm so sorry. That is horrific. And it resonates. Yes, we were like objects to them.
I see that in your experience it sounds capricious, like you couldn't often tell what caused the change. Somehow in my FOO the rules were more clear. Thank you for sharing how it was for you.
I also resonated with thinking one parent was an enabler initially. I also at first thought only one parent was a narc. Took more understanding to realize both were.
Thank you again for reading and commenting. I'm sorry for all of us. May you continue to find healing in yourself, outside of these toxic, unfair and limiting roles.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 21, 2026, 06:56:22 PMI didn't. My F was generally consistent in his disinterest - he left all the child rearing to M.
M was very capricious and we were flung around roles like anything. As I got older I got better at knowing how to play M so I could stay within a more comfortable helper/best friend role.
M remains capricious, but my life is steadier than my sisters so FOO theoretically approves of me more. Doesn't make me golden, exactly. Just less of a nuisance. But my sister, who is usually a problem, is not treated as a classic scapegoat. She is always bailed out, though my M will moan to me about it.
I am not sure of our roles, basically. They are not the classic textbook ones. I even thought my F was the enabler when I first came across all the theory but it turns out he is his own brand of Narc.
I usually tell my therapist my mother treats me and my sister like toys. Sometimes we are favoured and in the front of the toy box and sometimes we are flung in the back of the toy box. Sometimes it is possible to tell what has caused our position. What is clear is that we cannot both be in the back at the same time, though we can both be in the front for a short while. Never long because she is a great fan of 'divide and rule'.
M was very capricious and we were flung around roles like anything. As I got older I got better at knowing how to play M so I could stay within a more comfortable helper/best friend role.
M remains capricious, but my life is steadier than my sisters so FOO theoretically approves of me more. Doesn't make me golden, exactly. Just less of a nuisance. But my sister, who is usually a problem, is not treated as a classic scapegoat. She is always bailed out, though my M will moan to me about it.
I am not sure of our roles, basically. They are not the classic textbook ones. I even thought my F was the enabler when I first came across all the theory but it turns out he is his own brand of Narc.
I usually tell my therapist my mother treats me and my sister like toys. Sometimes we are favoured and in the front of the toy box and sometimes we are flung in the back of the toy box. Sometimes it is possible to tell what has caused our position. What is clear is that we cannot both be in the back at the same time, though we can both be in the front for a short while. Never long because she is a great fan of 'divide and rule'.
#5
Therapy / Re: Craniosacral Therapy (CST)...
Last post by HannahOne - February 21, 2026, 04:48:52 PMSo wonderful to read that you found cranial sacral therapy. You tried the massage at the spa, saw that it was not what you needed, and kept searching and tried something new. Hooray for persistence in getting what you need! 
And for learning your specific nervous system, coming to know more about yourself.
And for learning your specific nervous system, coming to know more about yourself. #6
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 21, 2026, 04:17:08 PMNarcissistic Family Dynamics.
Anyone?
What do you guys think about this? I looked through and didn't seem to see a thread on the form specifically about the narcissistic abuse. So putting it here. I'm open to comments here from other members about the questions I ask at the end.
I find myself unable to locate myself in only one role. In my family, I played all the roles at different times. And also different roles for each parent. Sometimes this makes it harder to recover, it's more complex.
I feel I was born as both a scapegoat and a golden child. Scapegoat to my mother who I injured at birth, golden to my father who wanted someone to shape and thus reflect glory onto him.
When sibling was born I became helper for my mother, raising the child. And Scapegoat to my father, horrifically he switched. And my sibling was the golden. Which I wanted, the sibling to be safe. But the results were horrific to me.
He retained me as golden in some areas, there was a split. I was on one hand like a male child in his mind, and set to achieve and take over the world (LOL!!!! sorry dad), and on the other hand a female child only good for degradation, like my mother. I was able to retain enough of the golden with my father to use it to get out, via educational achievement. I'm lucky that way. But the switch was devastating to me.
In the wider family I'm the golden. And I have severe survivor's guilt for the cousins that didn't make it.
But I'm left flummoxed by all these roles. And by the split, both between parents and within one parent.
If anyone has a similar circumstance I'm open to a brief statement of such here in my journal, both what the roles were, what the change in roles was like for you when it happened, and also how its affected your healing to not have one clear role to work through. I don't know if my situation is unusual? Do most people just have one role in the family throughout their growing up?
Anyone?
What do you guys think about this? I looked through and didn't seem to see a thread on the form specifically about the narcissistic abuse. So putting it here. I'm open to comments here from other members about the questions I ask at the end.
I find myself unable to locate myself in only one role. In my family, I played all the roles at different times. And also different roles for each parent. Sometimes this makes it harder to recover, it's more complex.
I feel I was born as both a scapegoat and a golden child. Scapegoat to my mother who I injured at birth, golden to my father who wanted someone to shape and thus reflect glory onto him.
When sibling was born I became helper for my mother, raising the child. And Scapegoat to my father, horrifically he switched. And my sibling was the golden. Which I wanted, the sibling to be safe. But the results were horrific to me.
He retained me as golden in some areas, there was a split. I was on one hand like a male child in his mind, and set to achieve and take over the world (LOL!!!! sorry dad), and on the other hand a female child only good for degradation, like my mother. I was able to retain enough of the golden with my father to use it to get out, via educational achievement. I'm lucky that way. But the switch was devastating to me.
In the wider family I'm the golden. And I have severe survivor's guilt for the cousins that didn't make it.
But I'm left flummoxed by all these roles. And by the split, both between parents and within one parent.
If anyone has a similar circumstance I'm open to a brief statement of such here in my journal, both what the roles were, what the change in roles was like for you when it happened, and also how its affected your healing to not have one clear role to work through. I don't know if my situation is unusual? Do most people just have one role in the family throughout their growing up?
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 21, 2026, 04:03:10 PMPapaCoco, thank you for reading and commenting! I hope you can find ways to create some plans that inspire you!
thank you for sharing your experience with "hope", LOL.... yes. We are still human going through the human developmental life cycles. So at retirement, you found the CPTSD still there.... as I find it "still here" at midlife, surprisingly. At middle age, prior efforts and goals become less motivating, disillusionment hits, we feel restless, we see through the veil in some ways, or want to rediscover or discover for the first time neglected aspects like the lawyer who quits and becomes an artist, or leaving a marriage, or whatever... and how that may intersect with CPTSD. Somehow the midlife crises has been an opportunity to address it. In your case retirement is another life transition, change in how you spend your days, in meaning-making, and then... the CPTSD is there, to address. So glad we can all address it together on the forum, it makes such a difference to be with others in the storm.
thank you for sharing your experience with "hope", LOL.... yes. We are still human going through the human developmental life cycles. So at retirement, you found the CPTSD still there.... as I find it "still here" at midlife, surprisingly. At middle age, prior efforts and goals become less motivating, disillusionment hits, we feel restless, we see through the veil in some ways, or want to rediscover or discover for the first time neglected aspects like the lawyer who quits and becomes an artist, or leaving a marriage, or whatever... and how that may intersect with CPTSD. Somehow the midlife crises has been an opportunity to address it. In your case retirement is another life transition, change in how you spend your days, in meaning-making, and then... the CPTSD is there, to address. So glad we can all address it together on the forum, it makes such a difference to be with others in the storm.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 03:40:00 PM And yes, I do have a therapist although I wouldn't call it "active in therapy". Thank God I have her, because she does DBR and a lot of people who really need it have no access.
But I almost exclusively use her for DBR therapy rather than guidance. I don't feel like I need to see her because I'm sure I already know how that conversation would go. "Doc, it hurts when I do this". "Then stop doing that".
And I would stop or at least give it a rest for a while, but I can't.
There's no off switch.
But I almost exclusively use her for DBR therapy rather than guidance. I don't feel like I need to see her because I'm sure I already know how that conversation would go. "Doc, it hurts when I do this". "Then stop doing that".
And I would stop or at least give it a rest for a while, but I can't.
There's no off switch.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 21, 2026, 03:09:49 PMwhat a lovely sentiment, hannah1 - i'm allowed to be me. haven't heard much of that thru the years, so it's always welcome and kind of exciting, too. thank you, 
off to the pharmacy and grocery store. my D's first day out in 2 weeks. whew! it's been a long haul, lots of stuff, and i can't wait to have a day where there is nothing pressing to do for an entire day.
off to the pharmacy and grocery store. my D's first day out in 2 weeks. whew! it's been a long haul, lots of stuff, and i can't wait to have a day where there is nothing pressing to do for an entire day.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 21, 2026, 02:52:47 PMDolly,
"Can you say more about this?"
Sure. What I mean to say is that I'm talking about my experience from a very "nuts and bolts" perspective while others are talking on other levels. I've decided that all the other problems stem from the lost/ confused memories. If I can just stitch my memories back together into some semblance of order, all the other problems will fix themselves.
" basic fault, which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core *snip* It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me?"
Of course, but this doesn't fit me. If anything, it demonstrates the opposite. All of 5 of us kids were impacted and I'm one of the only two ho survived it intact. I don't blame myself for any of it. I was just a kid and it's all the fault of the grownups, my mother specifically. Even the blame for all the other bad actors comes back to her because she should never have allowed them to be around her kids. It's not my fault, it's HER fault. She was an unfit mother, no doubt about it. But she's dead and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.
"Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?"
No. It's an effort to restore my fractured self identity and repair the damage. Or at least cobble myself back to some fashion of working order. If I can work out my history, then I can understand who I am. If I can do that, then I won't have most of the other issues or at least can tackle them head- on.
It all starts with my history though. So I focus relentlessly on establishing that.
In addition, there's my baby sister to consider. She's seeking the same clarity that I am. Being younger and deaf, she has even less clarity than I do. She relies on me to help her fill her gaps. There's nobody else left.
So even if I didn't feel the compulsion to do this for my own sake, I'd still feel driven to do it for hers.
Best,
-Slashy
"Can you say more about this?"
Sure. What I mean to say is that I'm talking about my experience from a very "nuts and bolts" perspective while others are talking on other levels. I've decided that all the other problems stem from the lost/ confused memories. If I can just stitch my memories back together into some semblance of order, all the other problems will fix themselves.
" basic fault, which means that children growing up in certain situations will believe themselves to be inherently flawed at their core *snip* It doesn't mean however, that you were flawed or different, but rather, that's what you had to believe in order to survive if you get me?"
Of course, but this doesn't fit me. If anything, it demonstrates the opposite. All of 5 of us kids were impacted and I'm one of the only two ho survived it intact. I don't blame myself for any of it. I was just a kid and it's all the fault of the grownups, my mother specifically. Even the blame for all the other bad actors comes back to her because she should never have allowed them to be around her kids. It's not my fault, it's HER fault. She was an unfit mother, no doubt about it. But she's dead and I'm the one left to clean up the mess.
"Perhaps the searching through those memories now, is an effort to subconsciously undo that story?"
No. It's an effort to restore my fractured self identity and repair the damage. Or at least cobble myself back to some fashion of working order. If I can work out my history, then I can understand who I am. If I can do that, then I won't have most of the other issues or at least can tackle them head- on.
It all starts with my history though. So I focus relentlessly on establishing that.
In addition, there's my baby sister to consider. She's seeking the same clarity that I am. Being younger and deaf, she has even less clarity than I do. She relies on me to help her fill her gaps. There's nobody else left.
So even if I didn't feel the compulsion to do this for my own sake, I'd still feel driven to do it for hers.
Best,
-Slashy