Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: new here - still in the st...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:17:32 AMI'm so sorry you were met with that response. Being dismissed or ignored by someone who once felt safe hits with a kind of force that's hard to put into words. It makes sense that it hurt as much as it did.
What you wrote here ... it mattered. You matter. I'm grateful you shared this with us instead of sitting alone with it.
Reading your post reminded me of something similar I went through recently. I opened up to a friend of 10 years about my recent CPTSD diagnosis and the dysregulation I was in, and she replied with: "doesn't everyone feel that way?" I froze - the hurt just echoed, and I shut down, like I always do.
You're not alone here. Really.
What you wrote here ... it mattered. You matter. I'm grateful you shared this with us instead of sitting alone with it.
Reading your post reminded me of something similar I went through recently. I opened up to a friend of 10 years about my recent CPTSD diagnosis and the dysregulation I was in, and she replied with: "doesn't everyone feel that way?" I froze - the hurt just echoed, and I shut down, like I always do.
You're not alone here. Really.
#2
Depression / Re: Feeling depressed
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 12:43:26 AMI'm really glad you posted. Everything you wrote: the exhaustion, the body pain, the "doing too much to keep going," the grief of losing a support place, it all sounds incredibly heavy. I could feel how worn down and unseen you are feeling.
I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.
So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.
I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.
I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.
So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.
I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.
#3
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: (Warning: PA, SA , EA talk...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 12:31:19 AMHi, I just wanted to let you know that I see you, and I'm really glad you shared this here. What you described sounds absolutely terrifying, especially the way your housemate's expression pulled you straight back into the memories of what your brother did. That kind of trigger hits on a level that the body remembers long before the mind can reason with it.
I also relate to the part about people around you not really understanding the intensity of the fear. I've had moments in therapy where I tried to open up about something that felt like existential danger to me, and the response - even well-intended - didn't match the depth of what was happening in my nervous system. It left my protector parts scrambling, feeling like I shouldn't have said anything at all. So I recognize that aloneness you mentioned, and how hard that can be between sessions.
I hope that by the time you read this, you've had your appointment with your psychologist, and that it brought even a small sense of grounding or relief. Waiting while being so triggered can feel like its own kind of endurance test.
Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone here.
I also relate to the part about people around you not really understanding the intensity of the fear. I've had moments in therapy where I tried to open up about something that felt like existential danger to me, and the response - even well-intended - didn't match the depth of what was happening in my nervous system. It left my protector parts scrambling, feeling like I shouldn't have said anything at all. So I recognize that aloneness you mentioned, and how hard that can be between sessions.
I hope that by the time you read this, you've had your appointment with your psychologist, and that it brought even a small sense of grounding or relief. Waiting while being so triggered can feel like its own kind of endurance test.
Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone here.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by NarcKiddo - November 20, 2025, 10:56:02 PMIt makes sense to monitor what you are eating for sure. But I often find myself stressed at meal times for no obvious reason. It is something I need to discuss with my T. I have no conscious memory of FOO meal times being especially hard but I think they were and I just dissociated. If your family had regular sit down family meals I would guess there was stress there even if it was an undercurrent. So if that was the case for you it might pay to work on that aspect, since clearly we cannot simply stop eating.
I'm glad you felt good at least for a while. Every good experience helps rewire the circuits.
I'm glad you felt good at least for a while. Every good experience helps rewire the circuits.
#5
Depression / Feeling depressed
Last post by Ran - November 20, 2025, 09:58:50 PMFor context one thing I am diagnosed with is generalized anxiety and depression disorder.
I guess I wanted to just I don't even know what. I don't have any support with any of this right now. I even lost a place that was my support, so I guess I'm in grief too. I have been crying a lot and generally down.
At first at times this all didn't affect me as much. The older I got the more my past started to affect me.
I have no energy. My body hurts and I have tremors. I'm pretty sure my health is detoriating, though I'm trying to get all the help what is hard.
I'm advocating for my physical and mental health and not only my own. I'm doing always too much, but keeping busy is a distraction.
Everything just feels too much. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel worthless and not like a human at all.
All I can hope for is get a good therapist, because otherwise I can't talk about none of it. I don't trust people very much.
I am in great pain.
I guess I wanted to just I don't even know what. I don't have any support with any of this right now. I even lost a place that was my support, so I guess I'm in grief too. I have been crying a lot and generally down.
At first at times this all didn't affect me as much. The older I got the more my past started to affect me.
I have no energy. My body hurts and I have tremors. I'm pretty sure my health is detoriating, though I'm trying to get all the help what is hard.
I'm advocating for my physical and mental health and not only my own. I'm doing always too much, but keeping busy is a distraction.
Everything just feels too much. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel worthless and not like a human at all.
All I can hope for is get a good therapist, because otherwise I can't talk about none of it. I don't trust people very much.
I am in great pain.
#6
General Discussion / Re: I wish I had a personality...
Last post by kilroyinco - November 20, 2025, 09:36:53 PMHi,
I read your subject line differently. I thought for years that I had depression. I didn't want something to be wrong with me. I just knew I was suffering. Since I was a small child. It wasn't until three different therapists told me "you know you have PTSD, right?" that I found my way to complex trauma. The problem with all of this, which is sort of what I connected with from your subject, is everything seems to fall between the cracks. Without an actual, recognized diagnosis, I don't fit in anywhere, which is part of the problem to begin with. There aren't clear paths forward. I have spent the last three years finding my own treatment practice, having to find a path on my own, as I have done since I was very young. What I have concluded after a lot of introspection and deep research is there are loads of people who are impacted by trauma without any awareness.
I read your subject line differently. I thought for years that I had depression. I didn't want something to be wrong with me. I just knew I was suffering. Since I was a small child. It wasn't until three different therapists told me "you know you have PTSD, right?" that I found my way to complex trauma. The problem with all of this, which is sort of what I connected with from your subject, is everything seems to fall between the cracks. Without an actual, recognized diagnosis, I don't fit in anywhere, which is part of the problem to begin with. There aren't clear paths forward. I have spent the last three years finding my own treatment practice, having to find a path on my own, as I have done since I was very young. What I have concluded after a lot of introspection and deep research is there are loads of people who are impacted by trauma without any awareness.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - November 20, 2025, 09:16:32 PMThank you for the hugs and good wishes, friends. Lately it feels like every day is a tough day, but I wanted to share that I felt good for a little while this morning after I worked out. It didn't last for very long, but it was a distinct feeling of happiness and optimism. I think it went away while I was eating breakfast, which makes me wonder whether a supplement I'm taking or something I'm eating for breakfast isn't agreeing with me. I'll have to pay some attention to that going forward. In any case, I want to make sure that I take notice when I have these clear moments of positive feeling so that I can hope for them with remembering that they do happen.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Definitely still out in the st...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 20, 2025, 08:15:05 PMHi everyone. I'm in my mid-50s living with Complex PTSD rooted in early attachment trauma, chronic emotional neglect, and long-term parentification/enmeshment with one of my parents. My attachment style is primarily anxious–preoccupied with some disorganized features, especially around separation, abandonment, and identity.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder December 2024, started CBT in late February 2025, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder December 2024, started CBT in late February 2025, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.
#9
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Emotional neglect. Possibl...
Last post by Kizzie - November 20, 2025, 06:08:49 PMI hope being here will be of help to you 
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - November 20, 2025, 03:25:02 PMI'm really glad you found that app and that it is helping you.