Recent posts
#1
Friends / Re: Sensitivity to any ups and...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:07:33 PMThis really resonates. I don't have a clean solution either, but I want to share how I've come to understand this in myself - in case any part of it helps you feel less alone with it.
With complex relational trauma, many of us adapted very early by softening, shrinking, or erasing our authenticity in order not to endanger connection. Back then, connection wasn't just emotional - it was survival. When disagreement, difference, or even mild dissent once led to rupture, rejection, or emotional fallout, the nervous system learns: don't go there. So when a present-day interaction suddenly feels charged or unsafe, it can hit that old alarm system hard.
For me, what's helped a bit isn't forcing myself to "hold my line" or push through those conversations, but understanding why my system reacts the way it does. Sometimes I consciously choose not to engage or not to pursue a point - not because I'm erasing myself, but because I see the limits of the other person and decide it's not worth the cost for me. That choice, when it's truly mine, seems to reduce the rumination and self-doubt afterward.
You're not broken for wanting to protect yourself from those dynamics. And the fact that you're noticing this pattern and questioning it already tells me you're listening to yourself more than you maybe ever were allowed to. That matters.
(If that's ok)
With complex relational trauma, many of us adapted very early by softening, shrinking, or erasing our authenticity in order not to endanger connection. Back then, connection wasn't just emotional - it was survival. When disagreement, difference, or even mild dissent once led to rupture, rejection, or emotional fallout, the nervous system learns: don't go there. So when a present-day interaction suddenly feels charged or unsafe, it can hit that old alarm system hard.
For me, what's helped a bit isn't forcing myself to "hold my line" or push through those conversations, but understanding why my system reacts the way it does. Sometimes I consciously choose not to engage or not to pursue a point - not because I'm erasing myself, but because I see the limits of the other person and decide it's not worth the cost for me. That choice, when it's truly mine, seems to reduce the rumination and self-doubt afterward.
You're not broken for wanting to protect yourself from those dynamics. And the fact that you're noticing this pattern and questioning it already tells me you're listening to yourself more than you maybe ever were allowed to. That matters.
(If that's ok)
#2
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:47:46 PMSan, thank you - and thank you to everyone in this thread. I'm crying as I write this and feeling a bit overwhelmed, because saying "this resonated" doesn't even begin to touch how deeply this landed in me. Tomboy, deprivation of touch and more, unlovable, silenced - this went straight to my core. It feels like I am missing a whole layer of being human.
I needed to hear others put this into words. I needed to see others brave enough to face it, name it, and not turn away. "Deep breath, and into the breach I go" — that line is staying with me. I suspect I'll be repeating it to myself today and in the days ahead. Thank you for giving shape and language to something so profound. 💛
I needed to hear others put this into words. I needed to see others brave enough to face it, name it, and not turn away. "Deep breath, and into the breach I go" — that line is staying with me. I suspect I'll be repeating it to myself today and in the days ahead. Thank you for giving shape and language to something so profound. 💛
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:03:46 PMQuote from: HannahOne on Today at 12:39:18 AMStill don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love.
I have no words.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:01:17 PM"Start with what you know.".
I love that.
I also have to accept that what I know is not very much at all because I am still swamped with so much false narrative from the past. But, hey. That is knowing something, and that is a start.
Your statement about the dangers of seeing and speaking truth when young resonates. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too.
I love that.
I also have to accept that what I know is not very much at all because I am still swamped with so much false narrative from the past. But, hey. That is knowing something, and that is a start.
Your statement about the dangers of seeing and speaking truth when young resonates. I'm sorry you had to deal with that too.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 05:30:24 AMMarcine, thank you for sharing this. It feels grounded, honest, and deeply earned. I really appreciate the way you hold both grief and clarity together, without rushing either one. There's a calm truthfulness here that feels safe to be near.
"Start with what you know" is such a gentle, solid anchor - and what you name that you know about yourself speaks to a life lived with care, values, and love. I'm really glad you shared this with us. It matters, and so do you. 💛
"Start with what you know" is such a gentle, solid anchor - and what you name that you know about yourself speaks to a life lived with care, values, and love. I'm really glad you shared this with us. It matters, and so do you. 💛
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Marcine - Today at 04:08:08 AMHannahOne, a reflection of your words, offered with respect:
A shot glass.
Keep the poisoned secret.
Secrets.
Tricycle.
Little you.
Piles of picked flowers in the driveway.
No surprise, they got stuffed right into garbage bags.
Not your fault.
Never was.
Truth.
Grief.
A shot glass.
Keep the poisoned secret.
Secrets.
Tricycle.
Little you.
Piles of picked flowers in the driveway.
No surprise, they got stuffed right into garbage bags.
Not your fault.
Never was.
Truth.
Grief.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 12:39:18 AMWorking on grief.
A year ago I unintentionally revealed a trauma to my therapist, somehow I thought she knew, and so I said something rather awful, with zero preparation. she was a little shocked although she tried not to show it. I was really upset. I was upset that I hadn't known what she knew, that I had been a bearer of bad news. I felt that I had hurt or betrayed her.
Of course, she is not my mother.
I brought her a few flowers in a little glass as an apology. She took it. The glass has remained in her office.
"Grief is only love that has no place to go."
Age 5, showing my dad a drawing. He doesn't look. A little glass in hand. A secret. "It would kill your mother." I won't tell.
"Grief is only love that has nowhere to go."
What to do when you can't use words? I spent the next day bicycling my tricycle a few doors down to a vacant lot. Picked flowers, dandelions, thistle, Queen Anne's lace, filled my basket, tricycled them back home. Piled them on the driveway. How many trips? The pile of flowers, erm, weeds, was as tall as my head as I recall. The flowers filled two trash bags. I know because when I called my mother out to see my "surprise," she stuffed them into trash bags immediately.
Grief is only love that has nowhere to go.
This week I realized that little glass is a shot glass.
This week I realized I didn't need to bring my therapist flowers. She's not betrayed that I know what I know, not hurt that I feel what I feel.
Still don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love. Or the empty glass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n952KsQg6M
A year ago I unintentionally revealed a trauma to my therapist, somehow I thought she knew, and so I said something rather awful, with zero preparation. she was a little shocked although she tried not to show it. I was really upset. I was upset that I hadn't known what she knew, that I had been a bearer of bad news. I felt that I had hurt or betrayed her.
Of course, she is not my mother.
I brought her a few flowers in a little glass as an apology. She took it. The glass has remained in her office.
"Grief is only love that has no place to go."
Age 5, showing my dad a drawing. He doesn't look. A little glass in hand. A secret. "It would kill your mother." I won't tell.
"Grief is only love that has nowhere to go."
What to do when you can't use words? I spent the next day bicycling my tricycle a few doors down to a vacant lot. Picked flowers, dandelions, thistle, Queen Anne's lace, filled my basket, tricycled them back home. Piled them on the driveway. How many trips? The pile of flowers, erm, weeds, was as tall as my head as I recall. The flowers filled two trash bags. I know because when I called my mother out to see my "surprise," she stuffed them into trash bags immediately.
Grief is only love that has nowhere to go.
This week I realized that little glass is a shot glass.
This week I realized I didn't need to bring my therapist flowers. She's not betrayed that I know what I know, not hurt that I feel what I feel.
Still don't know what to do with the two trash bags of love. Or the empty glass.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n952KsQg6M
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 12:29:34 AMThank you, SanMagic. I'm getting lots of practice LOL. Still sick.
When I get overwhelmed with caretaking I just go to my room and rest. No one seems to mind, they carry on their activities.
I feel so vulnerable when sick. I imagine Mr. Frank must feel that way too. He hides his illness. You can only tell because he doesn't flop stretched out when he's sick, he sits only in a "loaf" with his feet tucked under him and you can see a little tension in his cheeks. So maybe it's just a mammalian nervous system to feel scared that I'm not 100%.
When I get overwhelmed with caretaking I just go to my room and rest. No one seems to mind, they carry on their activities.
I feel so vulnerable when sick. I imagine Mr. Frank must feel that way too. He hides his illness. You can only tell because he doesn't flop stretched out when he's sick, he sits only in a "loaf" with his feet tucked under him and you can see a little tension in his cheeks. So maybe it's just a mammalian nervous system to feel scared that I'm not 100%.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 12:24:49 AMYou ARE a good human being, Marcine. Living in alignment, with courage. And breaking the cycle. 
Your children, students, and everyone here are so fortunate that you are bringing hard-earned wisdom, borne from pain and hard work of grieving, discernment, and many brave leaps.
Your children, students, and everyone here are so fortunate that you are bringing hard-earned wisdom, borne from pain and hard work of grieving, discernment, and many brave leaps.