Recent posts
#1
Physical Issues / Re: Scarlet fever/Tonsillitis ...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 05:08:27 AMThis is a very old thread.
Yesterday I couldn't fall asleep because I was too cold despite being in my sleeping bag with a summer duvet on top and a thick woolen blanket on top of that and my head in my sleeping bag. I was shaking with cold. Literally. In my language it is called 'shaking cold' or even 'fever cold' and it's a flu symptom especially when you have a raised temperature or more especially fever.
Last night I got up and got a bunch more woolen blankets and even put the heating up, was able to warm up and fall asleep. Woke up not so many hours later feeling as if my face is on fire and with the usual sore throat, roof of my mouth, gums and ears. Plus way too hot and sweating. I'm now lying on my sleeping bag, and the heating is off, I checked.
I also googled this 'shaking cold' plus 'psychological origin' and there was immediate correlation. There could also be a plain old physical reason, of course. That was mentioned too. I've forgotten the word for my emotion on discovering google makes a correlation. Elation is probably too much, but something along those lines. The medical world is finally getting it!
Yesterday I couldn't fall asleep because I was too cold despite being in my sleeping bag with a summer duvet on top and a thick woolen blanket on top of that and my head in my sleeping bag. I was shaking with cold. Literally. In my language it is called 'shaking cold' or even 'fever cold' and it's a flu symptom especially when you have a raised temperature or more especially fever.
Last night I got up and got a bunch more woolen blankets and even put the heating up, was able to warm up and fall asleep. Woke up not so many hours later feeling as if my face is on fire and with the usual sore throat, roof of my mouth, gums and ears. Plus way too hot and sweating. I'm now lying on my sleeping bag, and the heating is off, I checked.
I also googled this 'shaking cold' plus 'psychological origin' and there was immediate correlation. There could also be a plain old physical reason, of course. That was mentioned too. I've forgotten the word for my emotion on discovering google makes a correlation. Elation is probably too much, but something along those lines. The medical world is finally getting it!
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Chart - November 08, 2025, 09:25:52 PMBravo SO, it's not always smooth, but sometimes some things work. It's an inexact science. Still plenty of suffering, but you're putting up a fight. Pensively resisting. AND going someplace. For better or for worse, you're doing something. Cptsd isn't taking you down, at least not without a fight.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / I'm new here and happy to be h...
Last post by EB - November 08, 2025, 08:32:52 PMHello
I am 63 yo woman.
I've done a ton of work on myself over the years, mostly addressing symptoms like panic and shame and anxiety and depression.
Just recently I began working with a therapist, honestly I was too ashamed or self-conscious or something to work with another person.
This therapist diagnosed me with CPTSD which is pretty much an obvious fit
The therapy is very body-focused: emdr, internal family systems, breath work etc. It's hard but it's been working! And I'm experiencing real change. No doubt there will be set-backs.
As I'm sure other people on this forum have experienced (and I'd love to hear about this from other Folk) it's not easy to find people to share this stuff with. That's what has brought me here. I'd like to feel less alone and just have a place where other people understand.
So thanks to everyone for being here.https://www.cptsd.org/forum/Smileys/classic/grouphug.gif
I am 63 yo woman.
I've done a ton of work on myself over the years, mostly addressing symptoms like panic and shame and anxiety and depression.
Just recently I began working with a therapist, honestly I was too ashamed or self-conscious or something to work with another person.
This therapist diagnosed me with CPTSD which is pretty much an obvious fit
The therapy is very body-focused: emdr, internal family systems, breath work etc. It's hard but it's been working! And I'm experiencing real change. No doubt there will be set-backs.
As I'm sure other people on this forum have experienced (and I'd love to hear about this from other Folk) it's not easy to find people to share this stuff with. That's what has brought me here. I'd like to feel less alone and just have a place where other people understand.
So thanks to everyone for being here.https://www.cptsd.org/forum/Smileys/classic/grouphug.gif
#4
The Cafe / Re: Movie recommendations
Last post by NarcKiddo - November 08, 2025, 07:04:37 PMI recently watched Hairspray, the one with John Travolta, Queen Latifah etc, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I did not expect to but I just smiled throughout.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - November 08, 2025, 06:37:03 PMHow has it been over three weeks since I posted here? Sometimes my words just dry up for a while. I hate it when that happens when people have taken the time to respond here. Sorry guys, I do not mean to have that land in a vacuum. Thank you NarcKiddo, Papa Coco, Desert Flower, sanmagic7, and Chart for being here. It does mean a lot to me to interact with you. Even more so during an EF. 
Sleep has been pretty brutal in the past weeks. It took me too long to start taking the three times per week benzo again. At least that gives me three okay-ish days per week. With the gardening, that didn't leave much energy and clarity for the rest of the week. I'm glad I spent it on gardening. Plenty of mulching with leaves included. It hasn't landed me in an EF again. The simple repetition/exposure made it feel less "dangerous". I've more firmly claimed the right to be a person who does this. That feels good.
The bad nights have made me extra sensitive to a noise issue in the neighborhood that has been going on for years. I finally wrote an e-mail to the housing agency filing a complaint. That probably took me five hours, as did the reply to the reply I got. I've been dealing with this issue for eight years now. On three different addresses. It's not just me, which unfortunately I've given way more thought than it deserves. Being constantly triggered in my own house and moving house twice in a year because of it has done a lot of damage. Since I'm mostly at home, having a garden I can go to is a huge relief. Even though it comes with it's own challenges. I'm afraid I did disclose a little too much in my e-mails. The person I e-mailed just suggested us to meet. Now I have something else to worry about. I think I've shot myself in the foot.
In a week and a half I'll be going to an off grid, back to basics situation in a foreign country. I'll be there on my own, in the middle of nowhere, for three weeks. Yes it's an insane thing to do with the issues I deal with. It's a long story. I've done it before quite a few times, so it's not a crazy experiment anymore. A part of me loves it, another part suffers the loneliness there more than anywhere. As always, I need to properly prepare, which is difficult with these punishing nights. I know from experience that I'll manage when I'm there. I can't explain how much of a victory it is that I'm able to say that. And still it's proper mental to do this. I'm fully aware of the insanity. Which makes it even worse to proceed with it. I don't really get it. There are many aspects to this. Anyway, I'm worried about the state of my sleep at the moment. It's not a good start if it doesn't improve before I travel there. I could cancel, off course. Somehow this doesn't really exist as an option in my mind. I guess another three weeks at home aren't very appealing. I'm trying not to make a bigger deal out of it than it actually is.
The NC with my mother has been running in the background. And foreground sometimes. I'm torn. It brings up a deep sense of separation. I think this is debit to my sleep. I haven't made any progress with my letter in weeks. I'm not going to before I leave. What a timing.
Just now, writing this, the doorbell rings. It's dark already. Often the doorbell scares me. Sometimes I don't open the door because I'm too scared or embarrassed. At the moment I'm wearing shabby old clothes. I don't hesitate, grab my keys and open the door. A young guy, in his twenties? Wig, party clothes or something. Odd. Strange story. Has to organize a party. I inquire. Direct questions. He doesn't want to elaborate. Asks if I perhaps have a bottle of wine or something for him? *? I resolutely tell him no and we're done. The weird things aside, I'm very surprised by how I handled that. I didn't fawn in the slightest. I've been properly assertive and it didn't cost me any effort. How did that happen? I remember three young girls ringing my doorbell a few months ago. They were only six or something. They were selling bracelets they made and it had made me feel terrible that I was fawning big time. To little kids! This was the opposite. Proper adult behavior. I think knowing that this is part of me, makes that I don't want to back down with the garden or the off grid thing. Deep down I know I'm more than a rabbit in the headlights. I keep putting myself into situations where I have to step up in some way. After all these years and all the madness, there's still a drive to live up to my potential. More calculated nowadays, believe it or not.
Sleep has been pretty brutal in the past weeks. It took me too long to start taking the three times per week benzo again. At least that gives me three okay-ish days per week. With the gardening, that didn't leave much energy and clarity for the rest of the week. I'm glad I spent it on gardening. Plenty of mulching with leaves included. It hasn't landed me in an EF again. The simple repetition/exposure made it feel less "dangerous". I've more firmly claimed the right to be a person who does this. That feels good.
The bad nights have made me extra sensitive to a noise issue in the neighborhood that has been going on for years. I finally wrote an e-mail to the housing agency filing a complaint. That probably took me five hours, as did the reply to the reply I got. I've been dealing with this issue for eight years now. On three different addresses. It's not just me, which unfortunately I've given way more thought than it deserves. Being constantly triggered in my own house and moving house twice in a year because of it has done a lot of damage. Since I'm mostly at home, having a garden I can go to is a huge relief. Even though it comes with it's own challenges. I'm afraid I did disclose a little too much in my e-mails. The person I e-mailed just suggested us to meet. Now I have something else to worry about. I think I've shot myself in the foot.
In a week and a half I'll be going to an off grid, back to basics situation in a foreign country. I'll be there on my own, in the middle of nowhere, for three weeks. Yes it's an insane thing to do with the issues I deal with. It's a long story. I've done it before quite a few times, so it's not a crazy experiment anymore. A part of me loves it, another part suffers the loneliness there more than anywhere. As always, I need to properly prepare, which is difficult with these punishing nights. I know from experience that I'll manage when I'm there. I can't explain how much of a victory it is that I'm able to say that. And still it's proper mental to do this. I'm fully aware of the insanity. Which makes it even worse to proceed with it. I don't really get it. There are many aspects to this. Anyway, I'm worried about the state of my sleep at the moment. It's not a good start if it doesn't improve before I travel there. I could cancel, off course. Somehow this doesn't really exist as an option in my mind. I guess another three weeks at home aren't very appealing. I'm trying not to make a bigger deal out of it than it actually is.
The NC with my mother has been running in the background. And foreground sometimes. I'm torn. It brings up a deep sense of separation. I think this is debit to my sleep. I haven't made any progress with my letter in weeks. I'm not going to before I leave. What a timing.
Just now, writing this, the doorbell rings. It's dark already. Often the doorbell scares me. Sometimes I don't open the door because I'm too scared or embarrassed. At the moment I'm wearing shabby old clothes. I don't hesitate, grab my keys and open the door. A young guy, in his twenties? Wig, party clothes or something. Odd. Strange story. Has to organize a party. I inquire. Direct questions. He doesn't want to elaborate. Asks if I perhaps have a bottle of wine or something for him? *? I resolutely tell him no and we're done. The weird things aside, I'm very surprised by how I handled that. I didn't fawn in the slightest. I've been properly assertive and it didn't cost me any effort. How did that happen? I remember three young girls ringing my doorbell a few months ago. They were only six or something. They were selling bracelets they made and it had made me feel terrible that I was fawning big time. To little kids! This was the opposite. Proper adult behavior. I think knowing that this is part of me, makes that I don't want to back down with the garden or the off grid thing. Deep down I know I'm more than a rabbit in the headlights. I keep putting myself into situations where I have to step up in some way. After all these years and all the madness, there's still a drive to live up to my potential. More calculated nowadays, believe it or not.
#6
The Cafe / Re: Heart-warming (animals)
Last post by Kizzie - November 08, 2025, 04:19:14 PMThey are gorgeous!
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - November 08, 2025, 02:32:24 PMI'm glad you found us, too! Nature is definitely like balm for my nervous system too. I'm wishing you many moments with a dog in the woods, you deserve it.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head
Last post by wooboyattachmenttrauma - November 08, 2025, 02:31:20 PMWelcome! I'm glad you're here. I am really sorry about the loss of your cat, that's really hard. I too found the Pete Walker CPTSD book really inspiring to take my healing journey to new places. Also side note--I am envious you live in a different country from your family of origin, I would love that!
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - November 08, 2025, 02:13:59 PM11/8/25
The tale of the freezer. Bought a upright freezer last year about this time. Worked perfectly until a month ago. I had it registered with the company (supposedly american) which it's not, turns out it was sold to a chinese conglomerate. Soooooooo yeah. I tried to buy american made and yet it's not like that. Feel like it was a shell game to pad the bottom line. Because there was a freezer branded the parent conglomerate name for 150-200 less. Even more crap I have to research before spending $$$ on going forward.
Did the basic tests and all tests passed so to me, it's something in the compressor. Not touching that. Left a very negative review on their website. Couple of days later got email from them, after some back and forth, company? scheduled a tech to show for more diagnostics. Murphy got in the middle of that. chuckle Make a call to the case manager. Have to say is a nice person. She had to get some upper ups permission for a direct replacement which did go through. I'll have a new unit delivered and the old one taken away. Totally cool with that. Thing is I have doubts about the long term worthiness of these appliances now.
I've adapted to not having that freezer and with my doubts of the worthiness of the entire conglomerates products.. May just sell the new one. Leave it in the box get 60-75% of what I paid and do something different. Maybe a chest style or maybe not have a 2nd freezer at all.
Get to spend some time today with my daughter. Coffee, brunch, knocking around a craft show, then maybe going through a book store and / or metaphysical shop that is in the same retail complex. Looking forward to that.
Been going to the chiropractor 2x a week. Well, years of being literally twisted up, the body needs the push to "remember" where things are supposed to be. The hitch in my get along is getting better.
Stuff to do..
Wishing all here all the best
The tale of the freezer. Bought a upright freezer last year about this time. Worked perfectly until a month ago. I had it registered with the company (supposedly american) which it's not, turns out it was sold to a chinese conglomerate. Soooooooo yeah. I tried to buy american made and yet it's not like that. Feel like it was a shell game to pad the bottom line. Because there was a freezer branded the parent conglomerate name for 150-200 less. Even more crap I have to research before spending $$$ on going forward.
Did the basic tests and all tests passed so to me, it's something in the compressor. Not touching that. Left a very negative review on their website. Couple of days later got email from them, after some back and forth, company? scheduled a tech to show for more diagnostics. Murphy got in the middle of that. chuckle Make a call to the case manager. Have to say is a nice person. She had to get some upper ups permission for a direct replacement which did go through. I'll have a new unit delivered and the old one taken away. Totally cool with that. Thing is I have doubts about the long term worthiness of these appliances now.
I've adapted to not having that freezer and with my doubts of the worthiness of the entire conglomerates products.. May just sell the new one. Leave it in the box get 60-75% of what I paid and do something different. Maybe a chest style or maybe not have a 2nd freezer at all.
Get to spend some time today with my daughter. Coffee, brunch, knocking around a craft show, then maybe going through a book store and / or metaphysical shop that is in the same retail complex. Looking forward to that.
Been going to the chiropractor 2x a week. Well, years of being literally twisted up, the body needs the push to "remember" where things are supposed to be. The hitch in my get along is getting better.
Stuff to do..
Wishing all here all the best
#10
Sexual Abuse / Loss of Sexual Identity After ...
Last post by GettingThere - November 08, 2025, 09:38:10 AMTW: SA in adulthood and childhood, homophobia
I was sexually assaulted by two female romantic partners in adulthood after a childhood of being sexually assaulted by mostly men and one woman. When I was a teenager and realized I was a lesbian, I felt incredibly lucky because I thought this would protect me from ever being sexually assaulted by a partner. Then I was sexually assaulted by two female partners. I have always been and will always be a lesbian because I have only ever felt attraction towards women and still do. But I am too terrified to act on that attraction and never want to again. I don't derive any joy like I used to from even reading books or watching movies where two women fall in love or are intimate with each other.
I do not want to try to go back to how I was before because it is not possible. I have made my peace with that and I am not open to hearing people tell me I will recover what was lost. It has been years since the abuse ended and my fear and terror of seeing women be intimate with each other has been steadily increasing as the years go by, not decreasing. I am mourning the life that I could have had that was lost and it is a difficult mourning journey. In the last few months, it has reached the point where I cannot see a woman kiss another woman, even in a wholesome online video made a couple that is very much in love, without my brain deciding that the kiss is sexual assault, even though rationally I know it clearly isn't.
When I was a newly out teenager getting abused at home by my homophobic family, I would fantasize about the day that I would have a wife and children and my own home and finally be safe and happy. That is never going to happen now. It can't and I don't want it to. And that is extremely sad.
I was sexually assaulted by two female romantic partners in adulthood after a childhood of being sexually assaulted by mostly men and one woman. When I was a teenager and realized I was a lesbian, I felt incredibly lucky because I thought this would protect me from ever being sexually assaulted by a partner. Then I was sexually assaulted by two female partners. I have always been and will always be a lesbian because I have only ever felt attraction towards women and still do. But I am too terrified to act on that attraction and never want to again. I don't derive any joy like I used to from even reading books or watching movies where two women fall in love or are intimate with each other.
I do not want to try to go back to how I was before because it is not possible. I have made my peace with that and I am not open to hearing people tell me I will recover what was lost. It has been years since the abuse ended and my fear and terror of seeing women be intimate with each other has been steadily increasing as the years go by, not decreasing. I am mourning the life that I could have had that was lost and it is a difficult mourning journey. In the last few months, it has reached the point where I cannot see a woman kiss another woman, even in a wholesome online video made a couple that is very much in love, without my brain deciding that the kiss is sexual assault, even though rationally I know it clearly isn't.
When I was a newly out teenager getting abused at home by my homophobic family, I would fantasize about the day that I would have a wife and children and my own home and finally be safe and happy. That is never going to happen now. It can't and I don't want it to. And that is extremely sad.