Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:42:25 PMPC, the idea that you now love you is so huge!!! what a giant step in recovery - not everyone gets there, not by a long shot. but you made it. congrats! i'm celebrating for you 
the idea of recognizing and acknowledging the change you feel for FOO is, to me, also worth celebrating. not that i'm celebrating hate, no, never, but i do believe, given your circumstances, it is appropriate right now. maybe forever, maybe not. i don't think that matters. i went thru a period of hate for my ex, and it lasted quite a while, but one day it was gone. sometimes bits of it pop up now and then, but i've learned to accept it. it's just there, and given my situation it probably was there all along. it just took me a while till i could actually recognize and feel it.
as far as feeling alone even when surrounded by people who care about and love me, i can totally relate. i'm witnessing this feeling hard! it brought to mind the thought about connection, which i believe you have mentioned more than once, and the idea that if we weren't able to experience positive, healthy connection w/ our caregivers, doesn't that make the idea of connection a foreign concept for us? just the idea is foreign, let alone the reality.
we were born to connect - hence the natural suckling response. that's given us so we can connect with our life source. that connection literally kept us alive. i remember seeing all kinds of gadgets when i was a kid that propped the bottle up for babies so no one had to actually hold the baby while it was feeding. deprived of connection from the get-go. how do we find it? practice, i guess. letting some of our walls down a little at a time, maybe, but only w/ certain people. and only after a period of time that gives us proof after proof that they are reliable, safe, caring.
it took me years of living w/ my D for me to feel not alone w/ her, but it was arduous work. she and i talked a lot - i had to let guards down to tell her i didn't feel it from her, but that it wasn't because of her. i had to make a leap of trust eventually. she's probably the only one i do trust, even w/ people who care about me - altho that's not very many any more. i've weeded out more than a few people in my life. now i have a friend. a brother, his wife.
still, even w/ them, i do feel different, not quite the same as them. just a few words here and there, trying to be helpful, but not getting it. that's often what sets me apart from others. they don't get it, don't get me. how can i possibly feel a true connection to that?
and, yes, i experience similarly the raging tidal wave of trauma breaking over my head, drowning me at times, leaving me gasping for air, even after i've done a lot of work at putting things to rest, thought they might be manageable if nothing else. but, no, not always. and the feeling that my life now is tainted by the layers of trauma from before. can't hardly turn around when something else from the past smacks me in the face.
so, let's hold onto each other - here's my hand
and slowly we'll find the connections we need. i'm grateful for this place, these connections are real, if only thru a screen, but they're more than i've known, more than probably you've known. let's keep them, work w/ them, follow them, practice w/ them. someday, maybe, we'll feel connected, and that, to my mind, is the only thing that quells loneliness. there's a reason i've been on this forum for more than 10 yrs. alone = separated. lonely = separate. with = together. let's shoot for together, shall we? much love, PC, and many hugs 
the idea of recognizing and acknowledging the change you feel for FOO is, to me, also worth celebrating. not that i'm celebrating hate, no, never, but i do believe, given your circumstances, it is appropriate right now. maybe forever, maybe not. i don't think that matters. i went thru a period of hate for my ex, and it lasted quite a while, but one day it was gone. sometimes bits of it pop up now and then, but i've learned to accept it. it's just there, and given my situation it probably was there all along. it just took me a while till i could actually recognize and feel it.
as far as feeling alone even when surrounded by people who care about and love me, i can totally relate. i'm witnessing this feeling hard! it brought to mind the thought about connection, which i believe you have mentioned more than once, and the idea that if we weren't able to experience positive, healthy connection w/ our caregivers, doesn't that make the idea of connection a foreign concept for us? just the idea is foreign, let alone the reality.
we were born to connect - hence the natural suckling response. that's given us so we can connect with our life source. that connection literally kept us alive. i remember seeing all kinds of gadgets when i was a kid that propped the bottle up for babies so no one had to actually hold the baby while it was feeding. deprived of connection from the get-go. how do we find it? practice, i guess. letting some of our walls down a little at a time, maybe, but only w/ certain people. and only after a period of time that gives us proof after proof that they are reliable, safe, caring.
it took me years of living w/ my D for me to feel not alone w/ her, but it was arduous work. she and i talked a lot - i had to let guards down to tell her i didn't feel it from her, but that it wasn't because of her. i had to make a leap of trust eventually. she's probably the only one i do trust, even w/ people who care about me - altho that's not very many any more. i've weeded out more than a few people in my life. now i have a friend. a brother, his wife.
still, even w/ them, i do feel different, not quite the same as them. just a few words here and there, trying to be helpful, but not getting it. that's often what sets me apart from others. they don't get it, don't get me. how can i possibly feel a true connection to that?
and, yes, i experience similarly the raging tidal wave of trauma breaking over my head, drowning me at times, leaving me gasping for air, even after i've done a lot of work at putting things to rest, thought they might be manageable if nothing else. but, no, not always. and the feeling that my life now is tainted by the layers of trauma from before. can't hardly turn around when something else from the past smacks me in the face.
so, let's hold onto each other - here's my hand
and slowly we'll find the connections we need. i'm grateful for this place, these connections are real, if only thru a screen, but they're more than i've known, more than probably you've known. let's keep them, work w/ them, follow them, practice w/ them. someday, maybe, we'll feel connected, and that, to my mind, is the only thing that quells loneliness. there's a reason i've been on this forum for more than 10 yrs. alone = separated. lonely = separate. with = together. let's shoot for together, shall we? much love, PC, and many hugs #2
Therapy / Re: Heart Opening Music
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 02:52:32 PMAround the time I got severely depressed, I discovered a Dutch radio show. It centered around the darkest of music out there. Recognition. Albeit not in direct relationship with another human being. A universe opened up to me. It was before the internet was around, and the show pulled me through for many years. One name that continued to be played by the host was Coil. They made an indelible impression.
Two decades later, I was at the end of my rope. One song that was stuck in my mind at the time was a tribute to Coil by Yann Tiersen and others. The vulnerability in it reflected my state perfectly. I was at the verge of a breakthrough. But those don't feel like it. They feel like the end is near. It was in a sense. For whom I had become.
People may have different ideas about heart opening music. To me it isn't necessarily solely a pleasant experience. The opening of the heart is indiscriminate. It is radically inclusive. Radically honest. Innocent.
Just now, another decade later, I tracked the song down in a wave of nostalgia. It still moves me to tears. But all is well. Yes this too.
This Immortal Coil - Red Queen
Now you've absorbed it into your system
Now that you've allowed it to be true
Now that you've neutralized it, made it safe, made it yours
Now that you've been photographed, recorded
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Is it so unsafe when you are
Insecure in the space where you are?
Is it so, really so
Is it more real?
Is it more yours?
Is it more yours?
Is it more real, for you
Than it is for him or me?
And the people who perceive it
Repeat it, distort it, improve it, update it
Slightly change it
And these people believe it
And write it all up for you
And is it more real?
And is it more real?
Does it make it more yours
Now you're recorded as having said it?
And being seen and done it
People have been seen to take notice
So empty
Is it so awful to be seen to feel and fail?
Overheard and noted to authenticate his story
An unsafe male trait
You know what they say
That empty vessels ring true, like bells
Make the most noise
The ink is still wet
In this case, the medium is not
Is it so unsafe when you are
Insecure in the space where you are?
Is it so, really so, unsafe you can't let
Let go?
Is it so unsafe when you are
Insecure in the space where you are?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you gonna do?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you gonna do?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
Two decades later, I was at the end of my rope. One song that was stuck in my mind at the time was a tribute to Coil by Yann Tiersen and others. The vulnerability in it reflected my state perfectly. I was at the verge of a breakthrough. But those don't feel like it. They feel like the end is near. It was in a sense. For whom I had become.
People may have different ideas about heart opening music. To me it isn't necessarily solely a pleasant experience. The opening of the heart is indiscriminate. It is radically inclusive. Radically honest. Innocent.
Just now, another decade later, I tracked the song down in a wave of nostalgia. It still moves me to tears. But all is well. Yes this too.
This Immortal Coil - Red Queen
Now you've absorbed it into your system
Now that you've allowed it to be true
Now that you've neutralized it, made it safe, made it yours
Now that you've been photographed, recorded
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Is it so unsafe when you are
Insecure in the space where you are?
Is it so, really so
Is it more real?
Is it more yours?
Is it more yours?
Is it more real, for you
Than it is for him or me?
And the people who perceive it
Repeat it, distort it, improve it, update it
Slightly change it
And these people believe it
And write it all up for you
And is it more real?
And is it more real?
Does it make it more yours
Now you're recorded as having said it?
And being seen and done it
People have been seen to take notice
So empty
Is it so awful to be seen to feel and fail?
Overheard and noted to authenticate his story
An unsafe male trait
You know what they say
That empty vessels ring true, like bells
Make the most noise
The ink is still wet
In this case, the medium is not
Is it so unsafe when you are
Insecure in the space where you are?
Is it so, really so, unsafe you can't let
Let go?
Is it so unsafe when you are
Insecure in the space where you are?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you gonna do?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you gonna do?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
What are you going to do if they don't believe you?
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 02:31:49 PMAddendum:
My baby sister and I were commiserating about being afflicted with "the good hair". Being of mixed race, there's a genetic lottery that determines whether your hair will be jet black with large floppy curls (I and my sister had that) or tighter "nappy" brown hair, which my brother had.
If you have "the good hair", grown women will invariably play with it and fawn over you, which is an upsetting experience.
Anyway, my sister sent me a selfie of her hair and I took one to send back and that's when I noticed it: I HATE taking selfies. I hate the sight of my own face. Or rather, I hate the act of intentionally looking at myself. I haven't looked in a mirror in years.
When I look at myself, it's like I'm looking into the eyes of a stranger.
I have an alarming self- identity problem. Not sure how I need to approach it.
Best,
-Slashy
My baby sister and I were commiserating about being afflicted with "the good hair". Being of mixed race, there's a genetic lottery that determines whether your hair will be jet black with large floppy curls (I and my sister had that) or tighter "nappy" brown hair, which my brother had.
If you have "the good hair", grown women will invariably play with it and fawn over you, which is an upsetting experience.
Anyway, my sister sent me a selfie of her hair and I took one to send back and that's when I noticed it: I HATE taking selfies. I hate the sight of my own face. Or rather, I hate the act of intentionally looking at myself. I haven't looked in a mirror in years.
When I look at myself, it's like I'm looking into the eyes of a stranger.
I have an alarming self- identity problem. Not sure how I need to approach it.
Best,
-Slashy
#4
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Support and Recovery
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 02:26:25 PMWelcome Mamatus
I'm so sorry for what you went through. But I'm really glad you're here. You deserved so much better - and you're not alone anymore.
(if that's ok)
I'm so sorry for what you went through. But I'm really glad you're here. You deserved so much better - and you're not alone anymore.
(if that's ok)
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 02:11:20 PM Thanks guys.
What I find fascinating is that all of this recall of distinct memories "should" be impossible according to modern neurology, yet I remember it anyway.
Even earlier than age 3, I have clear autobiographical memories throughout age 2, perhaps as far back as 1, when nothing traumatic was going on. Science would suggest that this is impossible, but they're wrong.
It's not that these early memories were recorded in some temporary storage that faded later, it's that they're devoid of any context or narrative. They're thus impossible to retrieve directly.
They're not organized by time, subject, or context. They simply exist in a giant disorganized pile.
As I have been examining my fractured memories, I have discovered how to retrieve and catalogue these memories one by one, using them as clues to reconstruct my early timeline. I know that these aren't imaginary, as they have been confirmed (at least the ones related to my time in foster care).
I have earlier memories that are completely unverifiable (none of them traumatic), but they are just as real and vivid as the others, so I take them as real.
Anybody can do this. It's not a superpower. It's just that very few ever have a reason to.
Happy Sunday,
-Slashy
What I find fascinating is that all of this recall of distinct memories "should" be impossible according to modern neurology, yet I remember it anyway.
Even earlier than age 3, I have clear autobiographical memories throughout age 2, perhaps as far back as 1, when nothing traumatic was going on. Science would suggest that this is impossible, but they're wrong.
It's not that these early memories were recorded in some temporary storage that faded later, it's that they're devoid of any context or narrative. They're thus impossible to retrieve directly.
They're not organized by time, subject, or context. They simply exist in a giant disorganized pile.
As I have been examining my fractured memories, I have discovered how to retrieve and catalogue these memories one by one, using them as clues to reconstruct my early timeline. I know that these aren't imaginary, as they have been confirmed (at least the ones related to my time in foster care).
I have earlier memories that are completely unverifiable (none of them traumatic), but they are just as real and vivid as the others, so I take them as real.
Anybody can do this. It's not a superpower. It's just that very few ever have a reason to.
Happy Sunday,
-Slashy
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Support and Recovery
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:00:24 PMWelcome. I'm glad you have a therapist and support at home.
All of us here are familiar with bleak, heavy days. I hope we can brighten some of yours for you, at least a bit.
All of us here are familiar with bleak, heavy days. I hope we can brighten some of yours for you, at least a bit.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 11:58:49 AMQuote from: HannahOne on February 14, 2026, 10:41:52 PM"I don't know what it's like to not have a 9.5 mom," she said.
Lucky girl. Lucky, lucky girl.
And, just to keep with the lemon analogy, if anyone has been given a bunch of lemons in life you have. Sounds like you have made some top class lemonade.
#8
Symptoms - Other / Re: Loneliness in CPTSD Is Not...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 11:51:50 AMThis is such an important post and thank you for making it.
I'm afraid I have skipped through it because I found myself getting quite upset at considering the levels of loneliness I have experienced (and continue to do). It all got unexpectedly triggering. I am not saying this to complain about your post but to explain that my post might be a bit random and not very coherent.
I've experienced loads of those types of loneliness. In addition to all of that my mother taught me that you can only trust family and everyone else is out to get you. And even within family most of them are out to get you. Only she was the great trustworthy one. The all-loving MOTHER. (Where is a vomit emoji when you need one?). I sensed early on that she was not trustworthy. I think I then concluded that if even she was not trustworthy there was nobody in the entire world who could possibly be. So solitude must be the only safe option. Loneliness was the price of safety.
It's helpful to consider why therapy might make things feel worse at times, so thank you for talking about that. I was scared of therapy for a long time, thinking that all the tightly locked boxes in the attic of my brain were locked for a very good reason. I actually got to a stage where my T was talking about reducing frequency. I'd been meaning to make the same suggestion and was pleased at this apparent gold star in my star chart. I then discovered that all it meant was a readiness to delve deeper into the mud and I've been having a pretty rough ride. Fortunately I can see the progress so I'm sticking with it.
I recently found myself looking up a childhood hymn we sang in primary school assembly. One More Step Along the World I go. It's basically about making one's life journey always having God beside us, to help us, guide us and cherish us. I am not a believer. I don't remember the hymn being a particular favourite of mine - most of them had good tunes and were fun to sing. I was mostly dissociated anyway and never much thought about the words I was singing. But when I came across it again recently I had a terrible crying fit. I have listened to it intermittently since and it keeps provoking the same reaction, though milder. I've been trying to work out which verse in particular makes me cry as I think that is informative. Anyway, the point I am coming to is that I realise I was crying because I was so lonely. That time in my life was a particularly awful one. All these things I sang about I had no experience of. Nobody was beside me or helped me or guided me (emotionally). Nobody cherished me. Yes. I was lonely.
I'm afraid I have skipped through it because I found myself getting quite upset at considering the levels of loneliness I have experienced (and continue to do). It all got unexpectedly triggering. I am not saying this to complain about your post but to explain that my post might be a bit random and not very coherent.
I've experienced loads of those types of loneliness. In addition to all of that my mother taught me that you can only trust family and everyone else is out to get you. And even within family most of them are out to get you. Only she was the great trustworthy one. The all-loving MOTHER. (Where is a vomit emoji when you need one?). I sensed early on that she was not trustworthy. I think I then concluded that if even she was not trustworthy there was nobody in the entire world who could possibly be. So solitude must be the only safe option. Loneliness was the price of safety.
It's helpful to consider why therapy might make things feel worse at times, so thank you for talking about that. I was scared of therapy for a long time, thinking that all the tightly locked boxes in the attic of my brain were locked for a very good reason. I actually got to a stage where my T was talking about reducing frequency. I'd been meaning to make the same suggestion and was pleased at this apparent gold star in my star chart. I then discovered that all it meant was a readiness to delve deeper into the mud and I've been having a pretty rough ride. Fortunately I can see the progress so I'm sticking with it.
I recently found myself looking up a childhood hymn we sang in primary school assembly. One More Step Along the World I go. It's basically about making one's life journey always having God beside us, to help us, guide us and cherish us. I am not a believer. I don't remember the hymn being a particular favourite of mine - most of them had good tunes and were fun to sing. I was mostly dissociated anyway and never much thought about the words I was singing. But when I came across it again recently I had a terrible crying fit. I have listened to it intermittently since and it keeps provoking the same reaction, though milder. I've been trying to work out which verse in particular makes me cry as I think that is informative. Anyway, the point I am coming to is that I realise I was crying because I was so lonely. That time in my life was a particularly awful one. All these things I sang about I had no experience of. Nobody was beside me or helped me or guided me (emotionally). Nobody cherished me. Yes. I was lonely.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 11:26:32 AM
We're beside you as you wade through this morass.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 11:24:54 AMQuote from: Papa Coco on Today at 12:12:20 AMThree weeks ago, I had found forgiveness. Today I've lost it again. Doesn't make it any less real three weeks ago.
I think this is a really interesting observation, and thank you for making it. And I like how you likened it to sunshine in Seattle. Enjoy it while it lasts. Maybe what you were enjoying was a level of peace. You don't ever have to forgive them (fully or at all) and some things are not forgivable long term but maybe they are temporarily. You deserve peace and I hope peace comes more often.
I am sorry you are feeling lonely, even in the company of those who love you and are safe to be with. I've had that feeling and it's hard to navigate.
I'm also glad that you love you. It's been a long time coming and I think it's important you keep reminding yourself and telling us. It's a huge development that likely needs its foundations cementing often in the early days. We love you too.