Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 02:09:39 PMQuote from: HannahOne on Today at 01:35:45 AMHooray for activation!
I've recently joined a gym while doing PT and it is making a big difference. Being grounded in the here and now, the body, while music plays, and with others in the same space. Here's to forty days of active living!
for you HannahOne 
For me, activation is a little more low-key...
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:58:25 PMthank you for your kind words, armee. really. 
thanks for the hug, hannah1. and back atcha!
i'm quite worn out today, had a bunch of stuff i was going to do and just thinking about all of them last nite i knew it was too much. i have to pick up more thera-flu for my D - she's still congested and coughing and it's interfering w/ her sleep, which isn't good, and she still has a low-grade fever. i also have a Rx to pick up for myself from a different place. go to the food bank. and visit w/ my galpal, see her cousin whom i haven't seen for 40 yrs., and who is a staunch political advocate.
as i was thinking of all this last nite, it washed over me that i can't possibly do it all. going to my galpal's includes 1/2 of driving one way. so, i began ticking off things i can put off till sat., and now the only things i'm gonna do is get the medicine and go chat w/ the girls. plus hair and makeup, which i've only begun doing when i go somewhere, but it's still energy used.
can't wait till tomorrow. i can rest. my D is apologizing all over the place for being sick, and she knows she doesn't need to, but she also feels bad that i've had to do all this running around to make sure she's getting what she needs. i haven't driven this much in a week in so many years, probably the last time was when i took off for mexico.
but birds are singing this morning - that's my music, and one of them is a robin, and i love that. so, i've got a smile on my face in spite of everything.
thanks for the hug, hannah1. and back atcha!
i'm quite worn out today, had a bunch of stuff i was going to do and just thinking about all of them last nite i knew it was too much. i have to pick up more thera-flu for my D - she's still congested and coughing and it's interfering w/ her sleep, which isn't good, and she still has a low-grade fever. i also have a Rx to pick up for myself from a different place. go to the food bank. and visit w/ my galpal, see her cousin whom i haven't seen for 40 yrs., and who is a staunch political advocate.
as i was thinking of all this last nite, it washed over me that i can't possibly do it all. going to my galpal's includes 1/2 of driving one way. so, i began ticking off things i can put off till sat., and now the only things i'm gonna do is get the medicine and go chat w/ the girls. plus hair and makeup, which i've only begun doing when i go somewhere, but it's still energy used.
can't wait till tomorrow. i can rest. my D is apologizing all over the place for being sick, and she knows she doesn't need to, but she also feels bad that i've had to do all this running around to make sure she's getting what she needs. i haven't driven this much in a week in so many years, probably the last time was when i took off for mexico.
but birds are singing this morning - that's my music, and one of them is a robin, and i love that. so, i've got a smile on my face in spite of everything.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:47:59 PMblueberry, i like the thought of adding something to your everyday rather than restricting something. something positive seems much more productive to me (regardless of the religious meaning behind the act of self-sacrifice) at this stage of recovery. in my mind, the powers that be, so to speak, would look kindly on someone adding something healthy to their lives, be it physical, mental, emotional. just my thoughts, and no blasphemy intended. love and hugs
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:39:13 PMknowing your own mind, knowing you - to me, that's huge. that you've never given it up, hannah1, shows not only the depth of your strength but of your determination to continue being you, being on this earth, taking up the space you're entitled to as one whole person. even as splintered as you may feel at times, i see a whole hannah1. i'm so glad you've never given her up. love and hugs
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:32:45 PM
so glad you found us, PC, and found what matters most in your life. i'm glad you're here. love and hugs #6
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 11:13:15 AMQuote from: Kizzie on February 16, 2026, 05:30:20 PMhis carried over to all my encounters with others and I kept losing myself. I did not know who I was and how to reside in my own body. I always allowed myself to be pulled out by others and the main strategy I had was to be overly interested in them and overly empathetic to anything they were going through. It was a kind of fawning response but it did keep me safe or so I thought.
Growing up in an NPD household as well, I find this very relatable. I really appreciated Ingrid Clayton's new take on fawning in her book Fawning. I think it reconfigures fawning as a trauma response, which is what I feel this "over-empathy/lack of Self" is. Also, I agree that it is so hard when you start to shift that focus and find that others aren't showing up for you in the way you'd like. For me, I think I have some scapegoat programming that leads me to think, it must be my fault, and start to shrink/doubt myself, or some sort of inner "basic fault" that believes that I'm not deserving of those things. It's hard sometimes to contextalize it, and begin to undo that wiring.
NK posted a video with Patrick Tehan and Ingrid Clayton a while back also that is very interesting. `
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 08:42:26 AMQuote from: GoSlash27 on February 17, 2026, 12:53:23 PMsay all that to illustrate how deep my sense of self protection runs.
So I'm not negating or minimizing anyone's quest for forgiveness or reconciliation. It's just that I cannot even remotely relate to such concepts. Most people don't get a first chance from me, let alone a second.
Hey Slashy,
I wanted to say that I don't think you're a "bad" person for this. A lot of the times I feel like the "burden" of forgiveness is placed on the victim in order to ease the burden or the consciousness of the other person. For me, in my family, I was expected to forgive people who didn't see a problem in how they treated me because that's just how they were. To me forgiveness is also something that's wound up in the fawning trauma response where you are pacifying or appeasing to survive. Not that that's the case all the time for forgiveness.
I just wanted to say that I can understand why you might have that response to your brother.
Sending you support,
dolly
#8
Sexual Abuse / Re: how to bring up SA and sex...
Last post by LaylaDalal - Today at 08:41:53 AMQuote from: Kizzie on February 18, 2026, 04:56:58 PMHey Layla, yes Wobbly has not been back on the forum since they posted unfortunately. I did want to say, however, to you and other members that oftentimes when someone posts to an old thread it sparks some good discussion around the topic. Plus, it helps you as the new poster to think through an issue yourself sometimes.
So I say even if a thread is old go ahead and post
Thank you Kizzie, that's great to hear! :-)
#9
Therapy / Craniosacral Therapy (CST) — a...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:19:50 AM11 months of CBT have been very helpful. Being analytical by nature, I value the cognitive approach - most of the time - and I have a therapist who has grown with me and now also uses witnessing, attunement, and regulation before engaging the prefrontal cortex when needed.
Because my CBT is remote, over the past 2 weeks I've started exploring what additional forms of "therapy" might help my nervous system - my body - settle (i.e. return toward a basal vagal state).
It started unexpectedly during a haircut last week. For maybe 15 seconds, my scalp was gently massaged during the hair wash, and I felt my shoulders drop. That landed far more than I would have expected.
Encouraged by that (and by my T reminding me that caring for my own needs matters), I booked a 2-hour facial and scalp massage at a spa - unbeknownst to me, Korean-style. It was intense and well-intentioned, but ultimately too activating: constant motion, strong sensations, and deep tissue work (occasionally borderline painful in my neck, shoulders, and arms). By the end, I felt worked on rather than held. Still, it was useful data. It clarified something important: more touch is not the same as regulating touch.
So yesterday I tried CranioSacral Therapy (CST) - a gentle, hands-on somatic therapy that uses very light touch to support regulation of the central and autonomic nervous systems.
The intake conversation felt a bit esoteric, which made me skeptical. But the setup itself felt different - well supported, comfortable positioning, quiet, eyes closed, gentle contact. For the first several minutes there was only very soft holding of my head, and I wasn't sure anything was happening. But then my body settled. My thoughts grew quieter.
When the practitioner placed one hand under my shoulder blades and one on my sternum, something shifted.
I felt safety - and grief. It bubbled up quietly and non-dramatically: pressure behind the eyes, a trembling chin, then silent tears. No overwhelm. No pushing. No words. No specific memories - just the felt sense of being held and safe, alongside grief for the absence of that safety in childhood.
Later, with a slightly different hold - the hand closer to my heart - tear came up again alongside gentle memories: standing on my mother's feet as a child, and later my sister standing on mine (not memories I usually access). They felt warm and connecting.
At times I dropped into a deeper, less fully conscious state. By the end, I felt deeply relaxed - the kind that comes from being supported, not exhausted.
When I asked about follow-up frequency, the T suggested every four weeks, explaining that slower pacing allows integration rather than overload - especially alongside twice-weekly CBT. That felt thoughtful and grounding.
What I'm taking from this isn't that one modality is "better," but that my nervous system responds best to:
- stillness over intensity
- broad, non-demanding contact
- feeling supported rather than worked on
I'm still learning what helps and what doesn't. But noticing these differences - and allowing myself to keep searching - feels like progress in itself. Sometimes it's the smallest moments of safety that show us what we needed all along.
P.S.: Even though CST is practiced by licensed therapists, it is generally not covered by health insurance in the US.
Because my CBT is remote, over the past 2 weeks I've started exploring what additional forms of "therapy" might help my nervous system - my body - settle (i.e. return toward a basal vagal state).
It started unexpectedly during a haircut last week. For maybe 15 seconds, my scalp was gently massaged during the hair wash, and I felt my shoulders drop. That landed far more than I would have expected.
Encouraged by that (and by my T reminding me that caring for my own needs matters), I booked a 2-hour facial and scalp massage at a spa - unbeknownst to me, Korean-style. It was intense and well-intentioned, but ultimately too activating: constant motion, strong sensations, and deep tissue work (occasionally borderline painful in my neck, shoulders, and arms). By the end, I felt worked on rather than held. Still, it was useful data. It clarified something important: more touch is not the same as regulating touch.
So yesterday I tried CranioSacral Therapy (CST) - a gentle, hands-on somatic therapy that uses very light touch to support regulation of the central and autonomic nervous systems.
The intake conversation felt a bit esoteric, which made me skeptical. But the setup itself felt different - well supported, comfortable positioning, quiet, eyes closed, gentle contact. For the first several minutes there was only very soft holding of my head, and I wasn't sure anything was happening. But then my body settled. My thoughts grew quieter.
When the practitioner placed one hand under my shoulder blades and one on my sternum, something shifted.
I felt safety - and grief. It bubbled up quietly and non-dramatically: pressure behind the eyes, a trembling chin, then silent tears. No overwhelm. No pushing. No words. No specific memories - just the felt sense of being held and safe, alongside grief for the absence of that safety in childhood.
Later, with a slightly different hold - the hand closer to my heart - tear came up again alongside gentle memories: standing on my mother's feet as a child, and later my sister standing on mine (not memories I usually access). They felt warm and connecting.
At times I dropped into a deeper, less fully conscious state. By the end, I felt deeply relaxed - the kind that comes from being supported, not exhausted.
When I asked about follow-up frequency, the T suggested every four weeks, explaining that slower pacing allows integration rather than overload - especially alongside twice-weekly CBT. That felt thoughtful and grounding.
What I'm taking from this isn't that one modality is "better," but that my nervous system responds best to:
- stillness over intensity
- broad, non-demanding contact
- feeling supported rather than worked on
I'm still learning what helps and what doesn't. But noticing these differences - and allowing myself to keep searching - feels like progress in itself. Sometimes it's the smallest moments of safety that show us what we needed all along.
P.S.: Even though CST is practiced by licensed therapists, it is generally not covered by health insurance in the US.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 05:04:07 AMPoint is (in response to Narc Kiddo) I'm not on a course to a way I can live with. Or maybe I am. I dunno. 
I'm just on a course to... something. Ol' Charlie's stole the handle and the train won't stop going. No way to slow down. This isn't the way "recovery" is supposed to work as I understand it.
To be clear, I'm not in crisis. I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I don't need intervention. It's just a very stressful time for me. Just venting.
Best,
-Slashy
I'm just on a course to... something. Ol' Charlie's stole the handle and the train won't stop going. No way to slow down. This isn't the way "recovery" is supposed to work as I understand it.
To be clear, I'm not in crisis. I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I don't need intervention. It's just a very stressful time for me. Just venting.
Best,
-Slashy