Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 05:44:15 AM And so the new timeline is as follows:
-Everything correct up until hiding in the motel.
-Mom ended up imprisoning/ neglecting us in a 2 bedroom apartment.
-Mom abandoning us with a good caretaker
-Caretaker can't afford to keep us, gives us to CWS.
-I arrive in the shelter (McIntyre/ Lawnvue Acres) catatonic, then with a speech impediment.
-Released to the care of my father and grandmother
-Grandmother falls ill, left in the care of "Miss Pat". Abuse.
-Bounced between mother (neglect/ imprisonment) and "Miss Pat" (abuse).
-Abandoned by mother, left with Miss Pat.
-CWS called.
-Subsequent timeline correct, but a year out of date. McIntyre Shelter, Foster home, reunited with mother, brother, and grandmother.
Everything in orange was edited out, the ends spliced together.
-Everything correct up until hiding in the motel.
-Mom ended up imprisoning/ neglecting us in a 2 bedroom apartment.
-Mom abandoning us with a good caretaker
-Caretaker can't afford to keep us, gives us to CWS.
-I arrive in the shelter (McIntyre/ Lawnvue Acres) catatonic, then with a speech impediment.
-Released to the care of my father and grandmother
-Grandmother falls ill, left in the care of "Miss Pat". Abuse.
-Bounced between mother (neglect/ imprisonment) and "Miss Pat" (abuse).
-Abandoned by mother, left with Miss Pat.
-CWS called.
-Subsequent timeline correct, but a year out of date. McIntyre Shelter, Foster home, reunited with mother, brother, and grandmother.
Everything in orange was edited out, the ends spliced together.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 05:03:05 AM Disturbing snippets from the file...
" 7/8/74 (Slashy) has either a hearing problem or is mentally slow. (redacted) is uncertain, but believed he was to be tested for evaluation (redacted) did not know where testing was to be done."
How awful was my experience that they found me in that state?? I would have to have been catatonic!!
" 8/21/74 According to to Mrs. Homind at Lawnvue Acres, (Slashy) is also doing very well. There has been no bed- wetting with (Slashy), although, as with other children who were out of diapers, he has awakened once or twice in the night and taken to the potty. He seems to be in good health and is toilet trained. (Slashy) speaks a great deal, and he is difficult to understand."
My clear baritone delivery and deliberate, perfectly clear diction was a hallmark of 2 year old Slashy. My dad used to relate the stories of me doing it and I remember it vividly from my end. "Daddy? I didn't say I was thirsty, I said I was hungry". I was so messed up I had a speech impediment??
"This case became known to CWS when (mother) abandoned her children and (father) took over their care and placed the children in his home under the care of (Miss Pat), a long time client of CWS whose children had all been placed by CWS, all but one in institutions. This was a very inappropriate placement which occurred in approximately September of 1974."
I have exactly one evening's memory of Miss Pat, which I have related previously. Yes. "Inappropriate" is putting it mildly.
" 7/8/74 (Slashy) has either a hearing problem or is mentally slow. (redacted) is uncertain, but believed he was to be tested for evaluation (redacted) did not know where testing was to be done."
How awful was my experience that they found me in that state?? I would have to have been catatonic!!
" 8/21/74 According to to Mrs. Homind at Lawnvue Acres, (Slashy) is also doing very well. There has been no bed- wetting with (Slashy), although, as with other children who were out of diapers, he has awakened once or twice in the night and taken to the potty. He seems to be in good health and is toilet trained. (Slashy) speaks a great deal, and he is difficult to understand."
My clear baritone delivery and deliberate, perfectly clear diction was a hallmark of 2 year old Slashy. My dad used to relate the stories of me doing it and I remember it vividly from my end. "Daddy? I didn't say I was thirsty, I said I was hungry". I was so messed up I had a speech impediment??
"This case became known to CWS when (mother) abandoned her children and (father) took over their care and placed the children in his home under the care of (Miss Pat), a long time client of CWS whose children had all been placed by CWS, all but one in institutions. This was a very inappropriate placement which occurred in approximately September of 1974."
I have exactly one evening's memory of Miss Pat, which I have related previously. Yes. "Inappropriate" is putting it mildly.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:50:49 AMThat is awesome 
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 04:00:27 AMAnd *now* I'm worried.
I have all of my memories intact going all the way back to age 1. These memories of age 3 haven't been erased like they should've been. They're still in there under wraps, waiting to burst forth.
And now that I know what happened, they will begin to flood out.
15 months worth.
I have all of my memories intact going all the way back to age 1. These memories of age 3 haven't been erased like they should've been. They're still in there under wraps, waiting to burst forth.
And now that I know what happened, they will begin to flood out.
15 months worth.
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here - I want to ackno...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 12:18:13 AMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Doug 
Great to hear you had some good therapy and you've gotten to a point where you can work on your CPTSD symptoms. That's some good recovery you've accomplished!
I'm glad you found us and I hope OOTS will be of help to you. Many of us find we feel like we belong here unlike often feeling a bit alien or different around non-survivors as you've said you do.
I suspect/hope as you read and post you'll be able to focus in on the symptoms you still struggle with. It is difficult as you say but having others in your corner can really help.
Great to hear you had some good therapy and you've gotten to a point where you can work on your CPTSD symptoms. That's some good recovery you've accomplished!I'm glad you found us and I hope OOTS will be of help to you. Many of us find we feel like we belong here unlike often feeling a bit alien or different around non-survivors as you've said you do.
I suspect/hope as you read and post you'll be able to focus in on the symptoms you still struggle with. It is difficult as you say but having others in your corner can really help.
#7
AV - Avoidance / Re: Dissociation, depression a...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 12:02:08 AMAre you able to afford a therapist Erik? That might be a good place to start if you want to move forward in recovery. You may also find being here helpful as members understand what you going through and it can be a bit of release talking with us. One section a lot of members post in is the journals section here - https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - February 25, 2026, 11:34:04 PMI have a terrible relationship with food. I resent the necessity of it and don't want to deal with it. If I had the financial resources I'd hire someone to do my shopping, cooking and cleaning up so I wouldn't have to deal with it unless I bloody well felt like it. Which I would, sometimes, but certainly not every single day of every single week of every single month of every single year. It's a good thing I don't live alone. I can't imagine how I would manage to feed myself at all if I wasn't forced to deal with shopping and meal prep as a responsibility to my household.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 25, 2026, 09:44:35 PM NarcKiddo,
Thanks. Aside from the neglect and imprisonment I was aware of the types of abuse I had suffered at that time. What really has me dazed is the mental jet lag. I used age 4 as a personal timeline anchor. Now it turns out I was actually age 5 and had lost an entire year.
I remember age 1. I remember age 2. Then there's a skip in the record. What I remember as age 3 is actually age 4, and so on.
Well... I *did* say I wanted to cement my timeline...
Best,
-Slashy
Thanks. Aside from the neglect and imprisonment I was aware of the types of abuse I had suffered at that time. What really has me dazed is the mental jet lag. I used age 4 as a personal timeline anchor. Now it turns out I was actually age 5 and had lost an entire year.
I remember age 1. I remember age 2. Then there's a skip in the record. What I remember as age 3 is actually age 4, and so on.
Well... I *did* say I wanted to cement my timeline...
Best,
-Slashy
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - February 25, 2026, 09:06:58 PMWhiskers.
How to feel along the edges. How to know the boundaries. Can I fit? Is there space for me? How to scan, read the room. What is coming near?
The light catches Frank's whiskers like a halo. He moves his muzzle and they quiver. They pick up the airstream, the bunching up of air molecules that indicates the leg of the chair, the vibration of the dog's feet on the wood floor on the other side of the house. He walks foot by foot to the edge of the couch, sticks his head under. His whiskers feel along the edges. Will his rotund hind end fit through? He backs up. Sits up, whiskers vibrating. No more dog footsteps. Just the breeze from the ceiling fan, the clump of air at the leg of the chair. And me, my breathing. He twitches his whiskers to double check. He lowers himself, loafs. All quiet now.
And my whiskers? I feel I've been given a whisker-ectomy. I can't always feel who is near, who is coming, the size of an opening in life and if I can or cannot fit through. Instinctual decisions don't come instinctually. Instead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not! She must have meant something else....And round and round and round...
Frank sits up, alarmed. TOO LOUD, he says. TOO MUCH THINKING.
Sorry Frank. I am cluttering the air with mental noise, raising the vibration too high.
Is there a wolf? he asks.
No.
Ok then, he says. Shh.
Right, got it. Sorry. Shhh, shhh. Back into the body, the warm velveteen sack of fur, meat, bone, nerve. Well, I'm not so velveteen. Back into my meat suit, bone, nerve... I loaf. Frank flings his back feet out behind him in superman pose. He's not going anywhere anytime soon.
How to feel along the edges. How to know the boundaries. Can I fit? Is there space for me? How to scan, read the room. What is coming near?
The light catches Frank's whiskers like a halo. He moves his muzzle and they quiver. They pick up the airstream, the bunching up of air molecules that indicates the leg of the chair, the vibration of the dog's feet on the wood floor on the other side of the house. He walks foot by foot to the edge of the couch, sticks his head under. His whiskers feel along the edges. Will his rotund hind end fit through? He backs up. Sits up, whiskers vibrating. No more dog footsteps. Just the breeze from the ceiling fan, the clump of air at the leg of the chair. And me, my breathing. He twitches his whiskers to double check. He lowers himself, loafs. All quiet now.
And my whiskers? I feel I've been given a whisker-ectomy. I can't always feel who is near, who is coming, the size of an opening in life and if I can or cannot fit through. Instinctual decisions don't come instinctually. Instead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not! She must have meant something else....And round and round and round...
Frank sits up, alarmed. TOO LOUD, he says. TOO MUCH THINKING.
Sorry Frank. I am cluttering the air with mental noise, raising the vibration too high.
Is there a wolf? he asks.
No.
Ok then, he says. Shh.
Right, got it. Sorry. Shhh, shhh. Back into the body, the warm velveteen sack of fur, meat, bone, nerve. Well, I'm not so velveteen. Back into my meat suit, bone, nerve... I loaf. Frank flings his back feet out behind him in superman pose. He's not going anywhere anytime soon.