Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:39:09 PMI am glad you have started PT and that you are getting stronger. A feeling of physical strength is amazing. I couldn't believe quite how much, when I finally discovered fitness in my 40s. I am sure you can learn to live as all of you and that you are already some way down that road. 
You know about art and what colours work. It seems to me there could be several ways to work with the clothing conundrum. Thinking about putting make up on is one aspect and of course there is nothing wrong with make up as such. But I can see why it holds such connotations for you. You have not asked for suggestions but I am going to throw some out here, because I can't resist it. Ignore the rest of this post if you'd rather not think about them, and if you would like me to remove them just say and I will gladly edit the post.
Options that occur to me:
Start by just putting a bit of make up on at home and then cleaning it off again if it feels too much.
Consider whether your hair colour/style is the best for you and consider making changes if it is contributing to the washing-out effect.
On the above two points there are now various sites where you can upload a photo and then virtually try on make up or hair styles. It might be worth playing with that a little, just to get used to what you might look like in a mirror if you start experimenting in real life.
Experiment with wearing different colours next to your face until you find the ones that don't wash you out. Then add colour contrast below, or with a scarf worn loose so the colour actually next to your face is enhancing you.
If your colours are fine with your complexion but your colour contrasts still feel like they are wearing you, maybe you just need a bit of extra balance up top via a hat or scarf in your hair.
Do you wear glasses? They can be a very useful way to add balance to the whole look. My mother used to make me wear glasses that looked as unobtrusive as possible, supposedly to "hide" the fact that I was wearing them. Like you can hide that!! And I was supposed to pack on make up to hide my various defects. As I have got older I have cut down make up. I also enjoy bright clothing but have found that my face can hold its own with simply the right glasses and a slick of lipstick that suits my complexion.
If you have ever enjoyed acting see if there is an amateur dramatics group near you which might require you to paint your face for a theatrical purpose. That could be a fun way to break the back of the problem but it is very drastic!
You know about art and what colours work. It seems to me there could be several ways to work with the clothing conundrum. Thinking about putting make up on is one aspect and of course there is nothing wrong with make up as such. But I can see why it holds such connotations for you. You have not asked for suggestions but I am going to throw some out here, because I can't resist it. Ignore the rest of this post if you'd rather not think about them, and if you would like me to remove them just say and I will gladly edit the post.
Options that occur to me:
Start by just putting a bit of make up on at home and then cleaning it off again if it feels too much.
Consider whether your hair colour/style is the best for you and consider making changes if it is contributing to the washing-out effect.
On the above two points there are now various sites where you can upload a photo and then virtually try on make up or hair styles. It might be worth playing with that a little, just to get used to what you might look like in a mirror if you start experimenting in real life.
Experiment with wearing different colours next to your face until you find the ones that don't wash you out. Then add colour contrast below, or with a scarf worn loose so the colour actually next to your face is enhancing you.
If your colours are fine with your complexion but your colour contrasts still feel like they are wearing you, maybe you just need a bit of extra balance up top via a hat or scarf in your hair.
Do you wear glasses? They can be a very useful way to add balance to the whole look. My mother used to make me wear glasses that looked as unobtrusive as possible, supposedly to "hide" the fact that I was wearing them. Like you can hide that!! And I was supposed to pack on make up to hide my various defects. As I have got older I have cut down make up. I also enjoy bright clothing but have found that my face can hold its own with simply the right glasses and a slick of lipstick that suits my complexion.
If you have ever enjoyed acting see if there is an amateur dramatics group near you which might require you to paint your face for a theatrical purpose. That could be a fun way to break the back of the problem but it is very drastic!
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 12:36:20 PMI think you know how to write poetry.
May you get the medicine you need.
Another poet for you:
Like plants,
the medicine
is everywhere.
--Paul Simon
May you get the medicine you need.
Another poet for you:
Like plants,
the medicine
is everywhere.
--Paul Simon
#3
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 11:04:46 AMTheBigBlue
To normal! 🥂
Chart
Teddy bear
Cheers Teddy bear! Welcome to the party. 🥂
To normal! 🥂
Chart
Teddy bear
Cheers Teddy bear! Welcome to the party. 🥂
#4
Books & Articles / Hilary Jacobs Hendel - It's No...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 10:57:21 AMHilary Jacobs Hendel - It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self
Fascinating patient stories and dynamic exercises help you connect to healing emotions, ease anxiety and depression, and discover your authentic self. Sara suffered a debilitating fear of asserting herself. Spencer experienced crippling social anxiety. Bonnie was shut down, disconnected from her feelings. These patients all came to psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel seeking treatment for depression, but in fact none of them were chemically depressed. Rather, Jacobs Hendel found that they'd all experienced traumas in their youth that caused them to put up emotional defenses that masqueraded as symptoms of depression.
Jacobs Hendel led these patients and others toward lives newly capable of joy and fulfillment through an empathic and effective therapeutic approach that draws on the latest science about the healing power of our emotions. Whereas conventional therapy encourages patients to talk through past events that may trigger anxiety and depression, accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP), the method practiced by Jacobs Hendel and pioneered by Diana Fosha, PhD, teaches us to identify the defenses and inhibitory emotions (shame, guilt, and anxiety) that block core emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement). Fully experiencing core emotions allows us to enter an openhearted state where we are calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear.
In It's Not Always Depression, Jacobs Hendel shares a unique and pragmatic tool called the Change Triangle—a guide to carry you from a place of disconnection back to your true self. In these pages, she teaches lay readers and helping professionals alike
• why all emotions—even the most painful—have value.
• how to identify emotions and the defenses we put up against them.
• how to get to the root of anxiety—the most common mental illness of our time.
• how to have compassion for the child you were and the adult you are.
Jacobs Hendel provides navigational tools, body and thought exercises, candid personal anecdotes, and profound insights gleaned from her patients' remarkable breakthroughs. She shows us how to work the Change Triangle in our everyday lives and chart a deeply personal, powerful, and hopeful course to psychological well-being and emotional engagement.
Source: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36585127-it-s-not-always-depression
Fascinating patient stories and dynamic exercises help you connect to healing emotions, ease anxiety and depression, and discover your authentic self. Sara suffered a debilitating fear of asserting herself. Spencer experienced crippling social anxiety. Bonnie was shut down, disconnected from her feelings. These patients all came to psychotherapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel seeking treatment for depression, but in fact none of them were chemically depressed. Rather, Jacobs Hendel found that they'd all experienced traumas in their youth that caused them to put up emotional defenses that masqueraded as symptoms of depression.
Jacobs Hendel led these patients and others toward lives newly capable of joy and fulfillment through an empathic and effective therapeutic approach that draws on the latest science about the healing power of our emotions. Whereas conventional therapy encourages patients to talk through past events that may trigger anxiety and depression, accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP), the method practiced by Jacobs Hendel and pioneered by Diana Fosha, PhD, teaches us to identify the defenses and inhibitory emotions (shame, guilt, and anxiety) that block core emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement). Fully experiencing core emotions allows us to enter an openhearted state where we are calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear.
In It's Not Always Depression, Jacobs Hendel shares a unique and pragmatic tool called the Change Triangle—a guide to carry you from a place of disconnection back to your true self. In these pages, she teaches lay readers and helping professionals alike
• why all emotions—even the most painful—have value.
• how to identify emotions and the defenses we put up against them.
• how to get to the root of anxiety—the most common mental illness of our time.
• how to have compassion for the child you were and the adult you are.
Jacobs Hendel provides navigational tools, body and thought exercises, candid personal anecdotes, and profound insights gleaned from her patients' remarkable breakthroughs. She shows us how to work the Change Triangle in our everyday lives and chart a deeply personal, powerful, and hopeful course to psychological well-being and emotional engagement.
Source: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36585127-it-s-not-always-depression
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 09:52:43 AMNarcKiddo
Thank you very much for that perspective, your support and kindness. There is a part of me who felt rejected because my instant yes to the group wasn't mutual. The despair that came up was the same that I feel when I am deeply in an EF. Connection, and the ability to make that happen, doesn't exist there. I feel like there are few places where it's safe to be me when I'm at my most vulnerable. A prerequisite. Very few. It took a lot of effort to find this group. There is no alternative that I know of around here. Perhaps it's like knowing which medicine you need, but it's uncertain if insurance will cover it, while paying out of pocket is not in the cards. I couldn't make parental connection happen as a kid, and there was no alternative for it. That's why these and other situations have such an impact. It goes straight to that existential despair, which is the very thing I want to decrease by joining.
I've been in a depression support group for eight years, and indeed a new person can significantly change the group dynamic. That happened quite a bit over the years. It's difficult to strike the right balance between guarding the safety of the existing group, and welcoming new members. I think these guys are doing an excellent job.
sanmagic7
Thanks big time my friend! Yeah, their approach is solid. I told them that this reassures me. It must be challenging for them too, to be in that position, since they are participants themselves.
HannahOne
Thank you for your kindness Hannah. It's a bit odd that this felt like a job interview. In the last bit, I told them that I was quite nervous, and one of them said they felt the same when in my position. It's simply a hurdle to take that can't be skipped. No matter how much I'd like to. I'm confident enough to believe I'll be okay once I can interact with the members. It's just difficult to give them an impression of what I'd be like in that setting. Fingers crossed.
I don't know how to write poetry. Something bubbled up I tried to capture. A note to self. A reminder. It needed more space in between the words than my usual writing. More silence.
Becoming worthy is to not see clearly.
Who you are.
To love you is not something to learn.
It's to see through what obscures.
You can't learn your natural state.
Already whole and complete.
You were born worthy.
You never were not.
Listen.
Remember.
The quiet voice.
Is your own.
Bliss - A Quiet Conversation
Thank you very much for that perspective, your support and kindness. There is a part of me who felt rejected because my instant yes to the group wasn't mutual. The despair that came up was the same that I feel when I am deeply in an EF. Connection, and the ability to make that happen, doesn't exist there. I feel like there are few places where it's safe to be me when I'm at my most vulnerable. A prerequisite. Very few. It took a lot of effort to find this group. There is no alternative that I know of around here. Perhaps it's like knowing which medicine you need, but it's uncertain if insurance will cover it, while paying out of pocket is not in the cards. I couldn't make parental connection happen as a kid, and there was no alternative for it. That's why these and other situations have such an impact. It goes straight to that existential despair, which is the very thing I want to decrease by joining.
I've been in a depression support group for eight years, and indeed a new person can significantly change the group dynamic. That happened quite a bit over the years. It's difficult to strike the right balance between guarding the safety of the existing group, and welcoming new members. I think these guys are doing an excellent job.
sanmagic7
Thanks big time my friend! Yeah, their approach is solid. I told them that this reassures me. It must be challenging for them too, to be in that position, since they are participants themselves.
HannahOne
Thank you for your kindness Hannah. It's a bit odd that this felt like a job interview. In the last bit, I told them that I was quite nervous, and one of them said they felt the same when in my position. It's simply a hurdle to take that can't be skipped. No matter how much I'd like to. I'm confident enough to believe I'll be okay once I can interact with the members. It's just difficult to give them an impression of what I'd be like in that setting. Fingers crossed.
I don't know how to write poetry. Something bubbled up I tried to capture. A note to self. A reminder. It needed more space in between the words than my usual writing. More silence.
Becoming worthy is to not see clearly.
Who you are.
To love you is not something to learn.
It's to see through what obscures.
You can't learn your natural state.
Already whole and complete.
You were born worthy.
You never were not.
Listen.
Remember.
The quiet voice.
Is your own.
Bliss - A Quiet Conversation
#6
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 09:00:14 AMQuote from: pelicantown on January 29, 2026, 03:07:55 PM@TeddyBear Oh man, I don't know what I'd do without my dog. He gets me out of bed in the morning!! It sounds like you've got many great ways to cope and are prioritizing the right things.
I can absolutely understand you, Pelicantown! My Teddy wakes me up too, though lately I started letting her sleep on my bed, so she just sneaks in after her early morning walk. And we happily go back to sleep, the three of us — me, Teddy, and our cat — for another couple of hours.
So I have a funny wake-up dilemma: part of me would rather sleep in (with Teddy!) 😀
#7
Depression / Re: Impossible to feel strong ...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 08:16:47 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on January 29, 2026, 09:08:28 PMQuote from: Teddy bear on January 29, 2026, 12:23:48 PMI do have a dog now — my first ever! 🦮 She's my main therapist ☺️.
Baloo 🦮 is such an important anchor for me. He's my certified mobility-assistance service dog, and he does that job beautifully — but just as importantly, he's a huge source of emotional grounding and safety for me. I'm incredibly grateful that he can be with me everywhere; his presence makes a real difference in how regulated and steady I can be.
Hey TheBigBlue and Baloo! 👋 And to all the dog lovers and their beloved pups here.
Sounds like Baloo is such a huge help. I'm really glad you have such a professional and friendly partner.
My Teddy is just a mixed breed — no certifications here — though we did take some puppy classes at a "dog school" in her first year.
So I guess it's true what they say: most dogs are freelancing 😉
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:55:50 AMThank you all for interacting with my journal. In thinking more about what everyone has been sharing here and in their own journals I've been trying something new in the mornings.
All my life when I first wake up, I feel calm and peaceful. Clear. But immediately, I remember "oh yeah, my life is ruined." the past hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel, "someone who's been through what I've been through can never succeed or be happy." This is obviously a toxic belief from the past, when I would wake in the morning and remember whatever abuse had happened the previous day or night. It's like every morning I realize it all over again and have some kind of emotional flashback of intense doom. It's like being sucker punched every morning.
The last few mornings I've been trying something new. I've been trying to "hold on" to the peace I initially wake up with. I don't know how I'm doing it. It's not denial, I'm aware that I have a difficult past, but I just insist that my mind stay in the calm at the same time as knowing that. Like walking a horse, where I just insist we not walk through the puddle, or with Frank, I just insist that he not jump out of my arms until I've lowered him enough to not break a leg. I don't squeeze or grip Frank, that would make him leap even more. I just mentally insist, hold firm and he gets the message, "this is for your good" and he relaxes and waits to be lowered. With the horse I can't pull him around the puddle, he's 2000 lbs and I'm 150. But I can mentally "hold" my space. I'm sure energetically that my "holding" affects my musculature and nerves and that's what the animals are responding to. It's pretty cool to see that somehow I can do the same with myself. It takes focus and attention and intention.
I don't know if this will keep working but I"m intrigued. If I can hold off the negative belief and rush of despair and self-recrimination for a few hours, I seem to be over it and it never descends. When I first wake up I'm probably more vulnerable to it. By the time I've done my, AHEM, "morning routine," I'm more in the present and have more inner resources.
I keep working on my clothes. I am experimenting with brighter colors lately. Red pants and a blue denim swing top, snakeskin Mary janes. Red and white striped button up under a bright blue sweater, camo pants. Pine green sweater, white pants, green sneakers. I am drawn to the intense color contrasts and pattern mixing but I can't quite handle the contrast, I end up washed out, the clothes are wearing me. The way to deal with this is wear makeup. I can't quite cross that bridge and don't know if I will. My family had extremely conservative beliefs that outlawed makeup, yet it was applied to me unpleasantly for other people's enjoyment. Such a toxic stew. So I may have to steer back to more monochrome outfits for less contrast, and more browns, blues and grays. I'm trying to see if I can get the contrast I want through texture instead of color. I'm torn what to do about my face. In painting, it' like putting on makeup, you blush the cheek, fill in the lip. It never looks garish. I would like to be able to "paint" my face, to highlight, to add color to balance my garments like I do in a painting. It's just so scary, I know I will feel all manner of disgust, feel clownish. Anyway I'm thinking about it which is step one of exposure.
I'm pretty psyched because I've started PT and while it's tough, I am already getting stronger. After a few years of lying in bed too many hours a day, I'm very deconditioned. I am angry at myself for becoming so depressed. Whenever my kids were not at home, I was in bed, and that may have led to my illness and certainly led to my torn knee ligament. I'm happy that already all my muscles are waking up, I"m moving without pain, getting my arm mobility back after surgery, and my knee seems to be healing. It feels amazing to be more in my body, to feel strong like I used to with the horses, to feel myself moving through space solidly.
I have some difficulty at times, looking in the mirror at the gym is difficult. I have some kind of dysmorphia not about my size/shape but more about ME, I don't feel I look like "me." But looking in the mirror will help me get past that. I am hopeful about this next step, not just clothes but also my body in the clothes, how I inhabit not just the clothes but my body. Can I make peace with my past, can I stay aware of my past without thinking "someone like me can't exist," can I move through time and space in the present moment as the adult I am? Can I find peace? Can I learn to live as all of me?
All my life when I first wake up, I feel calm and peaceful. Clear. But immediately, I remember "oh yeah, my life is ruined." the past hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel, "someone who's been through what I've been through can never succeed or be happy." This is obviously a toxic belief from the past, when I would wake in the morning and remember whatever abuse had happened the previous day or night. It's like every morning I realize it all over again and have some kind of emotional flashback of intense doom. It's like being sucker punched every morning.
The last few mornings I've been trying something new. I've been trying to "hold on" to the peace I initially wake up with. I don't know how I'm doing it. It's not denial, I'm aware that I have a difficult past, but I just insist that my mind stay in the calm at the same time as knowing that. Like walking a horse, where I just insist we not walk through the puddle, or with Frank, I just insist that he not jump out of my arms until I've lowered him enough to not break a leg. I don't squeeze or grip Frank, that would make him leap even more. I just mentally insist, hold firm and he gets the message, "this is for your good" and he relaxes and waits to be lowered. With the horse I can't pull him around the puddle, he's 2000 lbs and I'm 150. But I can mentally "hold" my space. I'm sure energetically that my "holding" affects my musculature and nerves and that's what the animals are responding to. It's pretty cool to see that somehow I can do the same with myself. It takes focus and attention and intention.
I don't know if this will keep working but I"m intrigued. If I can hold off the negative belief and rush of despair and self-recrimination for a few hours, I seem to be over it and it never descends. When I first wake up I'm probably more vulnerable to it. By the time I've done my, AHEM, "morning routine," I'm more in the present and have more inner resources.
I keep working on my clothes. I am experimenting with brighter colors lately. Red pants and a blue denim swing top, snakeskin Mary janes. Red and white striped button up under a bright blue sweater, camo pants. Pine green sweater, white pants, green sneakers. I am drawn to the intense color contrasts and pattern mixing but I can't quite handle the contrast, I end up washed out, the clothes are wearing me. The way to deal with this is wear makeup. I can't quite cross that bridge and don't know if I will. My family had extremely conservative beliefs that outlawed makeup, yet it was applied to me unpleasantly for other people's enjoyment. Such a toxic stew. So I may have to steer back to more monochrome outfits for less contrast, and more browns, blues and grays. I'm trying to see if I can get the contrast I want through texture instead of color. I'm torn what to do about my face. In painting, it' like putting on makeup, you blush the cheek, fill in the lip. It never looks garish. I would like to be able to "paint" my face, to highlight, to add color to balance my garments like I do in a painting. It's just so scary, I know I will feel all manner of disgust, feel clownish. Anyway I'm thinking about it which is step one of exposure.
I'm pretty psyched because I've started PT and while it's tough, I am already getting stronger. After a few years of lying in bed too many hours a day, I'm very deconditioned. I am angry at myself for becoming so depressed. Whenever my kids were not at home, I was in bed, and that may have led to my illness and certainly led to my torn knee ligament. I'm happy that already all my muscles are waking up, I"m moving without pain, getting my arm mobility back after surgery, and my knee seems to be healing. It feels amazing to be more in my body, to feel strong like I used to with the horses, to feel myself moving through space solidly.
I have some difficulty at times, looking in the mirror at the gym is difficult. I have some kind of dysmorphia not about my size/shape but more about ME, I don't feel I look like "me." But looking in the mirror will help me get past that. I am hopeful about this next step, not just clothes but also my body in the clothes, how I inhabit not just the clothes but my body. Can I make peace with my past, can I stay aware of my past without thinking "someone like me can't exist," can I move through time and space in the present moment as the adult I am? Can I find peace? Can I learn to live as all of me?
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Greetings from the storm- ...
Last post by Stussy7 - Today at 03:41:26 AMThe marine iguana's are awesome 🦎
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:30:28 AMSenseOrgan, I was happy for you that you were able to reschedule your housing appointment, and not over-explain! Hooray for being direct and clear about what you want and need and self-advocating!
I'm glad you were able to ride out your somatic response and stay with the call. It sounds like the group is being careful with your safety and wanting to ensure you have the support you need to participate. It makes sense that you'd be triggered by it possibly not working out. It's courageous to take this risk. And it's something you really want, you want an in-person context to be yourself. Holding hope that it will be good for you and bring you what you are looking for.
I'm glad you were able to ride out your somatic response and stay with the call. It sounds like the group is being careful with your safety and wanting to ensure you have the support you need to participate. It makes sense that you'd be triggered by it possibly not working out. It's courageous to take this risk. And it's something you really want, you want an in-person context to be yourself. Holding hope that it will be good for you and bring you what you are looking for.