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[7. Healing is not "removing parts" but restoring integration safely]

#1

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026

Last post by Chart - Today at 07:11:08 PM

That was frickin' cool. Thank you TheBigBlue. I "knew" all that, but one, I can't learn through memorization, and two it was brilliantly organized and procedural which (for me) is intensely helpful (allowing me to learn through integration).

Hope, can we play around in your sandbox for a minute? :-) I want to add stuff, but if this is not the place, don't hesitate to tell me and I'll remove it and put it elsewhere.

I want to pick up where TheBigBlue left off...

7. Healing is not "removing parts" but restoring integration safely
This is incomplete, as I am still trying to understand this part, but what seems to be helping me so far involves:
- Building external regulation first with my T, by opening up to two friends that can be trusted
- Creating safety before integration
- Allowing EP material to be experienced - ideally without overwhelming the system, but that has not worked all the time
- Updating the nervous system that survival no longer requires separation of ANP (left) and EP (right hemisphere - loosely speaking).

EP material is difficult to integrate because it contains contextual parameters outside the capacity of the Right brain. Because of the separation of the two hemisphere's, the Left brain which is analytical can say, "That was a lot of shouting... too much shouting!" But since that information of quantity is cut from the Right brain, (or because the Left brain has not come online yet (3-4 yrs of age)) then the "relativity" to "quantity" is absent. So the EP just has an emotional reaction without any context. A "lot", or "a little", is nearly the same... Or another way of putting it, "It's all too much". And so Flashbacks later in life, with the adult, function totally in a reactionary manner, and not at all in a contextually appropriate one. That's why I still "feel" the same way every morning. The EP has not been able to associate the total absence of danger since over fifty years. Time doesn't matter to the EP.

So in order to process EP material, it has to be taken in appropriate doses so as not to overwhelm. And determining that dosage level, and I know for a fact that it can be very easily ZERO, is hard to engage without triggering the same response. Hard to stimulate a stress response in order to "practice" when anything ABOVE zero sends me into a total shutdown.

But there are ways, as we all know.

Body relaxation. Really working this and "priming" the totally relaxed system by really calming the body, then moving gently into the trauma territory.

Forcing parasympathetic system functioning... PMR, cold showers, petting the cat, etc. There's tons of tricks to activate the parasympathetic.

Emdr, which "widens" the communication between the right and left hemisphere's. I'm certain from the work I've done, that this is allowing my EP to access the technical details that it normally doesn't pay any attention to. Emdr (in all its forms, tapping, binaural, brain spotting, etc) helps the two hemisphere's coordinate. And together they make beautiful music... and allow bilateral integration to begin/continue. And for me, VERY often, this is where "release" (which many call grieving) occurs, when those two halves figure something out. Tears, loads of them... The EP infant gets to cry like the baby he is, and the ANP get's to sigh as he has finally gotten the critical missing information through to the child. And together they can be as one. The Love explodes between the two and understanding blooms... and the crap that terrified me yesterday is incredibly easier to deal with in the life that still awaits me... Something at the "root" level has worked it out.

My goodness that was pleasurable for me. Thank you TheBigBlue, that was so helpful. And thank you Hope for letting us play in the middle of your living room. :-) (And seriously, if you want me to move my post I will totally understand.)

Lots of hugs to everyone.

#2

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:10:15 PM

I'd have said "yes" to the tea, too. I'd probably have cracked at juice, to be honest.

    me too.     

[1. The infant brain is built from the outside in]

#3

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026

Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:05:17 PM

... they're correctly placed in time and place - which is interesting as before I wasn't able to pinpoint such things - it felt so much more fragmented - it's like it's beginning to link together and make some grounded sense.  I don't think I can convey this appropriately in words, but just writing this will remind me of what I'm thinking of.

I think this makes a lot of sense. I have been listening to, reading and thinking a lot about the "structured dissociation/fragmentation" topic lately (I initially saw it in Janina Fisher's book, but the theory is originally from Van der Hart around 2006). This theory makes so much sense to me, e.g. the profound disconnect of my "Apparently Normal Part" (ANP) that was high-functioning in the world, but was cut off from the "Emotional Part" (EP) that carries decades of unprocessed fear, shame, and grief. (using ANP/EP in structural dissociation terms - not DID or classic IFS)

In infancy, the brain is not yet an integrated, self-regulating system. It is experience-dependent and organized through repeated interactions with caregivers. In a neglectful, abusive and/or inconsistent caregiving environment, fragmentation is a developmentally appropriate survival adaptation to conditions the brain cannot escape.

This is how I'm currently making sense of it for myself:
1. The infant brain is built from the outside in
At birth and during the first years of life:
- The right hemisphere (emotion, bodily state, attachment) dominates
  (see also Prof. Schore's video that Chart posted about "attachment theory" turned "regulation theory").
- The limbic system is immature
- The prefrontal cortex (integration, inhibition, meaning) is undeveloped
- Regulation depends almost entirely on co-regulation by caregivers

An infant cannot:
- Self-soothe
- Mentally contextualize/reframe threat
- Escape danger
=> So the brain adapts structurally to what is repeatedly happening.

2. Neglect, abuse and inconsistent caregiving create incompatible states the brain cannot integrate
In a safe environment, the infant repeatedly experiences:
distress → caregiver response → relief → return to baseline
=> This builds integration.

In neglect, abuse or inconsistent caregiving, the infant instead experiences unsolvable contradictions, such as:
- Need for proximity and fear of the caregiver
- Intense distress without relief
- Pain or terror without explanation or containment
- A nervous system pushed beyond capacity with no repair.
=> These states are extremely difficult to integrate in an immature brain. Integration would overwhelm the system and risk overwhelming the system (in evolutionary terms that would mean low survival chances)

3. Fragmentation is the brain's solution to an unsolvable problem
Because the infant cannot leave, fight, or cognitively understand, the brain uses the only remaining option = State-based compartmentalization:
This means that different neural networks specialize for different survival demands and are kept separate to prevent overload.
=> This produces early forms of what later look like "parts."

4. EP and ANP emerge as functional adaptations
EP (Emotional Part) Encodes:
- Terror
- Pain
- Rage
- Panic
- Attachment distress

It is dominated by:
- Right hemisphere
- Brainstem
- Amygdala
- Oriented toward immediate survival
- Timeless, sensory, nonverbal

ANP (Apparently Normal Part) Develops to:
- Maintain attachment
- Preserve functioning
- Avoid triggering threat responses
- Suppresses or walls off overwhelming affect
- Becomes task-oriented, compliant, vigilant
- Oriented toward continuing life despite threat
=> This is not a conscious split. It is neurodevelopmental specialization under stress.

5. Why fragmentation increases survival odds?
If the brain remained integrated under adverse conditions it would result in:
- Continuous terror would dysregulate physiology
- Cortisol toxicity would impair development
- The infant could fail to thrive or die.

Instead fragmentation allows:
- Emotional pain to be contained
- Daily functioning to continue
- Attachment to be preserved (even if unsafe)
- Allow the organism to grow to the next stage.
=> In evolutionary terms: the infant brain chooses fragmented survival over integration, because Integration risks collapse or severe dysregulation (= low survival chances). The brain fragmented because it was brilliant. It learned how to survive when no one helped it regulate.

6. Fragmentation is adaptive early - and costly later
What saved the infant becomes costly in adulthood because:
- The brain matures but the compartments remain
- to me that explains why I didn't know, why I had "amnesia" about my childhood trauma
   for 56 years. Instead I blamed myself - asking "what's wrong with me",  instead of "what happened to me"    )
- EPs still fire as if danger is present
- ANP maintains control through suppression
- Integration feels unsafe because it once was!
=> The system is not broken. It is frozen at an earlier solution.

7. Healing is not "removing parts" but restoring integration safely
This is incomplete, as I am still trying to understand this part, but what seems to be helping me so far involves:
- Building external regulation first with my T, by opening up to two friends that can be trusted
- Creating safety before integration
- Allowing EP material to be experienced - ideally without overwhelming the system, but that has not worked all the time
- Updating the nervous system that survival no longer requires separation of ANP (left) and EP (right hemisphere - loosely speaking).

So to me, your feeling of "it's beginning to link together" make a ton of "grounded sense" 
Thanks for letting me think this through out loud ...

#4

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 06:00:17 PM

That sounds lovely! I'm happy for you.

#5

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm

Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 05:58:40 PM

Welcome! Yep, it sure is nice to be around people who get it. I'm glad you found us. Also glad to read you have plenty of therapy under your belt and are a good way along the path of healing. That's great.

#6

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Mostly out of the storm

Last post by Chart - Today at 05:51:51 PM

Hello Pelicantown, welcome to the Forum. I hear you about relating to folks out there in the "real" world. It's sometimes very discouraging. I've made zero new friends in the past ten years (well, maybe one). But compared to the number of people I've just completely lost contact with and very little energy to renew those acquaintances... No, I'm definitely done with small-talk, I hear you about that one. I'm trying to rewire a neuronal catastrophe in my brain and the idea of 'drink til you drop' and 'when's the next dopamine rush' just makes me sigh.

None of that here! Sometimes we drink too much tea, and there're always cookies on the Healing Porch, but beyond that it's 100% real around here (at least that's my opinion :-)
Warm welcome. Sending hugs if that's okay (and it's okay to say it's not okay!)
 

#7

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by Armee - Today at 05:46:42 PM

 

That sounds about perfect.

#8

General Discussion / Re: Trauma and Depression

Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 05:42:40 PM

Fortunately, I seem to be feeling better already,

   

It's good to celebrate the good days or even good hours!

For me, it goes in cycles (a year or two ago things were generally manageable for about 3 weeks and then I'd have a down phase. It wasn't moon-related!) so I'm no longer really surprised when I go into a difficult or tiring phase, or am plain in an EF. It isn't fun though, so I'm happy for you that you were feeling better when you wrote.

Also good that you have support from 12 Step groups, or people in them. I used to, but it got to a point where I just got triggered the whole time and triggered other people in the groups too, but some of the sayings are still helpful for me. Whatever tools you have in your toolkit - it's good to use, with cptsd.

Thank you 🤝 Exactly 💯

And when similar feelings arise, I try to take it one day at a time. Though I prefer to see a perspective now, I still come back to this tool.

I felt in a more resourceful state today after some watercolour sketches and just experimenting/searching yesterday (testing a new colour box). I was also able to do the tests for my math course today. Even small achievements feel good and tangible.

Regarding the 12-Step program, yes, I feel triggered at times too, so I'm just avoiding certain people and groups that aren't a good fit for me right now.

Happy to share my improving state with others 🤗

#9

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...

Last post by Chart - Today at 05:41:38 PM

Just saw the post, clicked the link, joined in... Wow, how's that for perfect timing. Had a very good cry fifteen minutes in, lots of release. Really nice. Thank you again, Armee!

#10

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by Chart - Today at 05:39:50 PM

Safe and respectful, those are exactly what everyone needs. So very very happy that this T filled that security need. They're out there, hard to find and difficult sorting through the various themes and personalities, but they do exist. Looking forward to hearing how things progress.
Much love and support, San! Thinking about you very often.