Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: What to say...
Last post by Blue_Jays - Today at 02:53:20 AMOk ok, I made another mistake at work. I make mistakes literally all the time.
But this one was bad.
Not very bad (says wise self). but bad enough to trigger something in me that is just not ok. My boss said I need to fix my mistake. And that is what I plan to do.later I guess. My boss said they aren't mad, and that I am doing a good job. but I obviously broke a bit tonight.
Every time i make a mistake I literally lose myself. I hate myself, I want to give up, I am flooded with every single mistake I ever made. Then I make a list of the worst mistakes and the least. I am pretty sure this is the end of the world. every time.
Like do I run to my therapist, do I ask for an increase in my medication? Like what the heck is the solution here. I have no idea. This seems to be my number one trigger and the thing that throws me completely into an emotional flashback. I come out of it quickly, or quicker.. than before.
but today was terrible. I get clumsy when I am off. Like I worry that I am going to walk into a pole or chop a finger off while cooking. Today was a day I needed to avoid hard things, but my job is just hard.
Anyways, hurt myself accidentally, 3 times.
I have a bruise on my forehead.
I found out my mom (no contact 2+years) has cancer this week and getting a major surgery, and that has been * me up.... not because I am like "oh no my mom has cancer and I love her, and this is going to be hard for me and my siblings, I hope we can get through this" but more along the lines of "huh, do I care? People are telling me I should care. I should reach out to her?! No, I can't do that. People don't need to understand... But you are a bad daughter, a bad person... I should be able to forgive her. She literally has never cared when you were sick. And has made up lies to avoid caring for you"
You see the problem!?!?!
Anyways. I am taking on others burdens. While trying desperately to protect myself. My relationship with my mom nearly killed me. And I am still experiencing those side effects. All on top of making mistakes and having no grace for myself. And I am not trusting myself that I can even do my job. That is why i make mistakes!!!!
But this one was bad.
Not very bad (says wise self). but bad enough to trigger something in me that is just not ok. My boss said I need to fix my mistake. And that is what I plan to do.later I guess. My boss said they aren't mad, and that I am doing a good job. but I obviously broke a bit tonight.
Every time i make a mistake I literally lose myself. I hate myself, I want to give up, I am flooded with every single mistake I ever made. Then I make a list of the worst mistakes and the least. I am pretty sure this is the end of the world. every time.
Like do I run to my therapist, do I ask for an increase in my medication? Like what the heck is the solution here. I have no idea. This seems to be my number one trigger and the thing that throws me completely into an emotional flashback. I come out of it quickly, or quicker.. than before.
but today was terrible. I get clumsy when I am off. Like I worry that I am going to walk into a pole or chop a finger off while cooking. Today was a day I needed to avoid hard things, but my job is just hard.
Anyways, hurt myself accidentally, 3 times.
I have a bruise on my forehead.
I found out my mom (no contact 2+years) has cancer this week and getting a major surgery, and that has been * me up.... not because I am like "oh no my mom has cancer and I love her, and this is going to be hard for me and my siblings, I hope we can get through this" but more along the lines of "huh, do I care? People are telling me I should care. I should reach out to her?! No, I can't do that. People don't need to understand... But you are a bad daughter, a bad person... I should be able to forgive her. She literally has never cared when you were sick. And has made up lies to avoid caring for you"
You see the problem!?!?!
Anyways. I am taking on others burdens. While trying desperately to protect myself. My relationship with my mom nearly killed me. And I am still experiencing those side effects. All on top of making mistakes and having no grace for myself. And I am not trusting myself that I can even do my job. That is why i make mistakes!!!!
#2
Research / new research and hope for futu...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 12:04:34 AMIt seems nobody has posted in this topic in a while, but I felt a real spark of hope when I read this new research study, and I thought some of you might appreciate it too.
Very short summary:
The study found that a specific brain protein - called SGK1, which is part of the body's cellular stress-response system - appears to be a key link between early-childhood trauma and later depression, suicidality, and chronic stress sensitivity.
In simple terms:
Early trauma seems to "turn on" this protein too strongly, and that keeps the nervous system stuck in survival mode. When researchers blocked SGK1 in animal models, the depression-like symptoms improved.
Why is this different from normal antidepressant research?
Because instead of targeting general mood circuits, this specifically targets the biological imprint of early trauma. In other words, it is one of the first studies pointing toward an antidepressant pathway designed specifically for people whose nervous systems were shaped by childhood adversity.
Why this matters / why it gave me hope:
- It supports what many of us here already know: early trauma doesn't just hurt emotionally - it changes (stress) biology.
- It suggests that one day treatments may exist that address our specific kind of nervous-system injury, not just generic depression.
- It is further scientific validation that what happened to us was real, measurable, and impactful - and that healing isn't about willpower or personality flaws.
- It means researchers are (finally) taking the biology of complex trauma seriously.
We are obviously still years away from medication based on this, but I found it encouraging to see trauma-specific biology being recognized and targeted.
If anything, it made me feel less alone - more "seen" at a physiological level.
I could not attach the paper (space limitation), but here is the link (it is open access):
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12602343/pdf/41380_2025_Article_3269.pdf
Sharing here in case it gives anyone else a little moment of hope too.
Very short summary:
The study found that a specific brain protein - called SGK1, which is part of the body's cellular stress-response system - appears to be a key link between early-childhood trauma and later depression, suicidality, and chronic stress sensitivity.
In simple terms:
Early trauma seems to "turn on" this protein too strongly, and that keeps the nervous system stuck in survival mode. When researchers blocked SGK1 in animal models, the depression-like symptoms improved.
Why is this different from normal antidepressant research?
Because instead of targeting general mood circuits, this specifically targets the biological imprint of early trauma. In other words, it is one of the first studies pointing toward an antidepressant pathway designed specifically for people whose nervous systems were shaped by childhood adversity.
Why this matters / why it gave me hope:
- It supports what many of us here already know: early trauma doesn't just hurt emotionally - it changes (stress) biology.
- It suggests that one day treatments may exist that address our specific kind of nervous-system injury, not just generic depression.
- It is further scientific validation that what happened to us was real, measurable, and impactful - and that healing isn't about willpower or personality flaws.
- It means researchers are (finally) taking the biology of complex trauma seriously.
We are obviously still years away from medication based on this, but I found it encouraging to see trauma-specific biology being recognized and targeted.
If anything, it made me feel less alone - more "seen" at a physiological level.
I could not attach the paper (space limitation), but here is the link (it is open access):
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12602343/pdf/41380_2025_Article_3269.pdf
Sharing here in case it gives anyone else a little moment of hope too.
#3
Depression / Re: Feeling depressed
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 21, 2025, 11:34:11 PMI get that. Words don't automatically reach the place that's hurting - especially after trust has been ruptured or a space that once felt safe suddenly turns against you. When support doesn't land, it can make the loneliness feel sharper, not softer.
I'm really glad you said all this here. It makes sense that you'd want to feel genuinely seen, not told to "just journal" or "move on." What you're describing is something many of us here recognize in our bones, which is why it doesn't feel shallow in this space. You're not alone in this.
I'm really glad you said all this here. It makes sense that you'd want to feel genuinely seen, not told to "just journal" or "move on." What you're describing is something many of us here recognize in our bones, which is why it doesn't feel shallow in this space. You're not alone in this.
#4
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by Stussy7 - November 21, 2025, 02:57:35 PMThank you Kizzie, it was a very good article!
It validated my feelings that emotional abuse is more damaging than other forms of abuse! If only everyone else would realise this!
It validated my feelings that emotional abuse is more damaging than other forms of abuse! If only everyone else would realise this!
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Definitely still out in th...
Last post by NarcKiddo - November 21, 2025, 01:40:52 PMWelcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry you felt embarrassed and regretful after your interaction with the stranger at the dog park. It's fine to "spill" here. I hope that after you have had more time to process the interaction with the stranger, though, you may come to feel less bad about it. There are some positives to telling people things in real life, especially if you don't get an unhelpful reaction from them.
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Definitely still out in th...
Last post by Blueberry - November 21, 2025, 09:39:30 AMWelcome to the forum, TheBigBlue 
#7
Depression / Re: Feeling depressed
Last post by Ran - November 21, 2025, 09:13:45 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on November 21, 2025, 12:43:26 AMI'm really glad you posted. Everything you wrote: the exhaustion, the body pain, the "doing too much to keep going," the grief of losing a support place, it all sounds incredibly heavy. I could feel how worn down and unseen you are feeling.
I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.
So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.
I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.
Thank you for the reply. It means a lot. Usually these words of I understand seem so shallow from others, but in here for some reason I don't feel that, problably because people here go through the same things. I can relate to almost everything said in this forum. It does help a lot in feeling not as alone and doing inner child work, what is another tool that helps me. It all gets more and more obvious. I had psychiatrist and psychologist before. I trust both enough to have worked with them at the time I had identity crisis and my lost support place helped me too, so I had a lot of support. Now the support forum feels too hostile, when it was previously like a family to me. All because I got triggered and no one seeing why I was so uppset as to everyone else everything was normal and I got banned and that person got to stay. It's like person who harmed you got to take over your home. It's temporary, but I still feel unfairly treated. I feel that all I can apologize for to them is how I sounded and handled everything, but not for standing up for something that affects me and possibly others who are more affected by written text. It all affects my relationships with people I really care about. That is one of the main reasons I need treatment and of course to keep my extreme moods more under control. I've tried to learn boundaries and communication and still I completely lost it. People said that it feels like I was going to the deep end. That's what happened. I joined another place that waa related to my stuff, but someone told me to just journal, when I wanted someone to see me and say I understand as well. So I completely panicked and left.
Usually for me it is that I myself must feel that a person understands me, if I don't then it's not helpful. I am trying to reach out, but seems I get nothing in return when I do. Everything seem shallow.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: new here - still in the st...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 21, 2025, 03:17:32 AMI'm so sorry you were met with that response. Being dismissed or ignored by someone who once felt safe hits with a kind of force that's hard to put into words. It makes sense that it hurt as much as it did.
What you wrote here ... it mattered. You matter. I'm grateful you shared this with us instead of sitting alone with it.
Reading your post reminded me of something similar I went through recently. I opened up to a friend of 10 years about my recent CPTSD diagnosis and the dysregulation I was in, and she replied with: "doesn't everyone feel that way?" I froze - the hurt just echoed, and I shut down, like I always do.
You're not alone here. Really.
What you wrote here ... it mattered. You matter. I'm grateful you shared this with us instead of sitting alone with it.
Reading your post reminded me of something similar I went through recently. I opened up to a friend of 10 years about my recent CPTSD diagnosis and the dysregulation I was in, and she replied with: "doesn't everyone feel that way?" I froze - the hurt just echoed, and I shut down, like I always do.
You're not alone here. Really.
#9
Depression / Re: Feeling depressed
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 21, 2025, 12:43:26 AMI'm really glad you posted. Everything you wrote: the exhaustion, the body pain, the "doing too much to keep going," the grief of losing a support place, it all sounds incredibly heavy. I could feel how worn down and unseen you are feeling.
I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.
So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.
I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.
I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.
So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.
I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.
#10
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: (Warning: PA, SA , EA talk...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 21, 2025, 12:31:19 AMHi, I just wanted to let you know that I see you, and I'm really glad you shared this here. What you described sounds absolutely terrifying, especially the way your housemate's expression pulled you straight back into the memories of what your brother did. That kind of trigger hits on a level that the body remembers long before the mind can reason with it.
I also relate to the part about people around you not really understanding the intensity of the fear. I've had moments in therapy where I tried to open up about something that felt like existential danger to me, and the response - even well-intended - didn't match the depth of what was happening in my nervous system. It left my protector parts scrambling, feeling like I shouldn't have said anything at all. So I recognize that aloneness you mentioned, and how hard that can be between sessions.
I hope that by the time you read this, you've had your appointment with your psychologist, and that it brought even a small sense of grounding or relief. Waiting while being so triggered can feel like its own kind of endurance test.
Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone here.
I also relate to the part about people around you not really understanding the intensity of the fear. I've had moments in therapy where I tried to open up about something that felt like existential danger to me, and the response - even well-intended - didn't match the depth of what was happening in my nervous system. It left my protector parts scrambling, feeling like I shouldn't have said anything at all. So I recognize that aloneness you mentioned, and how hard that can be between sessions.
I hope that by the time you read this, you've had your appointment with your psychologist, and that it brought even a small sense of grounding or relief. Waiting while being so triggered can feel like its own kind of endurance test.
Thank you for trusting us with your story. You're not alone here.