Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 04:19:07 PMJ'adore, j'adore, j'adore!
You're not facing the tsunami, you're surfing it! Godspeed to you my friend. This is FIRE ❤️
You're not facing the tsunami, you're surfing it! Godspeed to you my friend. This is FIRE ❤️
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:58:59 PMI hope the appointment goes well. I am really proud of you and happy that you persisted with your search and I hope you will be rewarded. I think it is also valuable that you recognise that perfect help might be hard to come by, but good enough help could be achievable.
As for rejecting a T on the basis of their picture - I am so with you on that. I chose my current T in no small part because I liked her picture. Liking it was not so important but was very important was that I did not DISLIKE it. I picked my gallbladder surgeon based on his photo. The choice was only between 2 and they both had very similar qualifications. However the guy I picked looked like someone I could trust and when I met him in person I felt I had made the right decision.
As for rejecting a T on the basis of their picture - I am so with you on that. I chose my current T in no small part because I liked her picture. Liking it was not so important but was very important was that I did not DISLIKE it. I picked my gallbladder surgeon based on his photo. The choice was only between 2 and they both had very similar qualifications. However the guy I picked looked like someone I could trust and when I met him in person I felt I had made the right decision.
#3
Symptoms - Other / Schrodingers jealousy
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:30:44 PMI had a typical FOO scenario crop up the other day which I will likely write about in my journal. The specifics are not relevant to this post. I have just finished a therapy session devoted to discussing it, and the issues which arise.
I have great difficulty in identifying what emotions I am even having, let alone what might fit current circumstances. My session with T today involved a lot of discussion of my hair-trigger protective response in relation to what I DO NOT WANT. I am not easily able to predict what might trigger the response but it comes on very fast and very definite. I am getting better at fire fighting - noticing the spark of fear and putting it out before a full blown EF. What I am not so skilled at is knowing what I actually want to pursue. I don't really know myself but I always feel so small and stupid voicing to my T that I don't know what I like or don't like (bar the hair-trigger "NOT THAT"). It makes me squirm and cry.
It brought me back to an incident in my childhood which I have discussed in therapy many times. Nothing big, or dramatic. Just that M told me not to be jealous of my sister about a holiday. My psychopath grandmother was taking my sister on holiday. I don't think it had occurred to me to be jealous. Why would I be? But my mother did not ask if I was jealous. I guess she assumed I was and said I should not be.
Since my mother told me everything about myself, I was now in a position of being told to be jealous and at the same time not jealous.
I guess it is no great surprise I'm a bit confused.
I have great difficulty in identifying what emotions I am even having, let alone what might fit current circumstances. My session with T today involved a lot of discussion of my hair-trigger protective response in relation to what I DO NOT WANT. I am not easily able to predict what might trigger the response but it comes on very fast and very definite. I am getting better at fire fighting - noticing the spark of fear and putting it out before a full blown EF. What I am not so skilled at is knowing what I actually want to pursue. I don't really know myself but I always feel so small and stupid voicing to my T that I don't know what I like or don't like (bar the hair-trigger "NOT THAT"). It makes me squirm and cry.
It brought me back to an incident in my childhood which I have discussed in therapy many times. Nothing big, or dramatic. Just that M told me not to be jealous of my sister about a holiday. My psychopath grandmother was taking my sister on holiday. I don't think it had occurred to me to be jealous. Why would I be? But my mother did not ask if I was jealous. I guess she assumed I was and said I should not be.
Since my mother told me everything about myself, I was now in a position of being told to be jealous and at the same time not jealous.
I guess it is no great surprise I'm a bit confused.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 03:14:25 PMCongratulations Desert Flower! It's very impressive how you're advocating for yourself. That crisis isn't going to waste. 
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 02:59:20 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on Today at 01:40:50 PMoooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
Jetzt geht's los! [sorry, this works best in German]
Life is writing poetry. You've got your money's worth with that one session. Perfectly delivered. And received.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 02:47:03 PMThese past couple of days have been quite the roller coaster. I'm almost gasping for air. I expect to be calming down again in the next couple of hours. Thank 'some benign force in the universe' for yoga this evening!
I had been desperately trying to enlist the proper mental health care for myself and I finally did. WOW.
In my country, waiting times for publicly funded psychotherapy are terrible, they range from a (theoretical) two weeks up to six months or beyond. That is, for the specialised mental health care that I need. It is an incomprehensible labyrinth too. And it made me quite desperate these last couple of days. I began to lose hope.
The health insurance company had come back with a so called answer to my question (I asked for their permission for a longer term trajectory) that wasn't an answer to that question at all! They said they now found the practitioner in my region that had the shortest waiting time, which amounted to 10 - 12 weeks. And I looked her up and I didn't like her photo (which is silly I know). But the institution I was referred to before by the GP had said they had a two weeks waiting time, for the short trajectory that is. Only they said my insurance didn't cover the longer. So then, I didn't know what to do anymore, and I made an appointment to talk this over with the GP (that's tomorrow - and then the company doctor on Friday, it's a LOT). But that's six weeks after I crashed and landed in her office already! Bloody H***!!! This was going nowhere.
So these past couple of days, I did a frantic search of any reasonable specialised mental health available in any reasonable time frame in my region. And finally I got myself enlisted with an actual psychiatrist today! This is monumental to me really. I needed this to happen. It's been so long in the making. I hope to finally get an official diagnosis now too. Well, 30 years ago, I got a diagnosis that said PTSD, Identity Problems and 'Life Phase Problems' (whatever that last bit was, I've been having problems in every phase of life, I can safely say now). And the psychologist I was with last year wrote down I have 'complex trauma', so that's fair enough too. But still. Oh Recognition, it is so important to me.
This seems to be an old fashioned psychiatrist. He doesn't have a fancy website and I find that comforting somehow. And he is an independent psychiatrist, not working from one of the big health care organisations that we have, and I like that too (although it could be a risk, another part of me says). And he has 30 plus years of experience. And although he says he does't treat PTSD (hmm), he does treat fear and anxiety and developmental disorders (which should include attachment disorders), and this means we will be addressing the fearful part of me (even if I'm the only one who knows that) and that's fair enough to me at this point. He asked me what my biggest problem was at the moment and I said Fear and that got me in. He sounded kind enough and his picture looks it too. And my intake will be in two weeks! I spoke to him (not some telephone person or secretary or what have you) and made the actual appointment. It is scheduled! I almost cannot believe it.
I will have to wait and see whether this will work out at all of course. But that goes for the big health care institutions just as well, you never know where you will end up (possibly group therapy AARGH) until you get there and talk to them for real. But at least this will be (reasonably) fast now and that's really important to me because waiting around does not improve my symptoms, quite the contrary!
Now that this actual help is on the way, I think I'll wait with the parts therapy that was gonna start in February or thereabouts. See what this does first and not do too many different things at a time. Also, parts therapy is not considered 'regular care' in my country and was gonna have to be funded by me privately. If this doesn't work out, I can always try parts therapy later.
The thing is, it doesn't even matter so much to me whether it will be care that fits perfectly (could it ever?), what matters most to me at this point, is that I don't want to be doing this all by myself anymore, I want to have some human support. (That's actually why this Forum is invaluable to me too!) I don't even need these complaints to go away completely maybe, and I did all the psycho education myself already anyway, as long as I can share the burden somehow. I know everybody is struggling, I know this is what life is, I might be able to accept this, when I know I'm not alone. (Even if that sounds strange having a h and kids, but they have their own lives too). To have some support for (the Assembly of) ME. And I want some help NOW please.
I am wiped though. Maybe take a little nap this afternoon.
(Long story, apologies. Needed to get this off my chest.)
I had been desperately trying to enlist the proper mental health care for myself and I finally did. WOW.
In my country, waiting times for publicly funded psychotherapy are terrible, they range from a (theoretical) two weeks up to six months or beyond. That is, for the specialised mental health care that I need. It is an incomprehensible labyrinth too. And it made me quite desperate these last couple of days. I began to lose hope.
The health insurance company had come back with a so called answer to my question (I asked for their permission for a longer term trajectory) that wasn't an answer to that question at all! They said they now found the practitioner in my region that had the shortest waiting time, which amounted to 10 - 12 weeks. And I looked her up and I didn't like her photo (which is silly I know). But the institution I was referred to before by the GP had said they had a two weeks waiting time, for the short trajectory that is. Only they said my insurance didn't cover the longer. So then, I didn't know what to do anymore, and I made an appointment to talk this over with the GP (that's tomorrow - and then the company doctor on Friday, it's a LOT). But that's six weeks after I crashed and landed in her office already! Bloody H***!!! This was going nowhere.
So these past couple of days, I did a frantic search of any reasonable specialised mental health available in any reasonable time frame in my region. And finally I got myself enlisted with an actual psychiatrist today! This is monumental to me really. I needed this to happen. It's been so long in the making. I hope to finally get an official diagnosis now too. Well, 30 years ago, I got a diagnosis that said PTSD, Identity Problems and 'Life Phase Problems' (whatever that last bit was, I've been having problems in every phase of life, I can safely say now). And the psychologist I was with last year wrote down I have 'complex trauma', so that's fair enough too. But still. Oh Recognition, it is so important to me.
This seems to be an old fashioned psychiatrist. He doesn't have a fancy website and I find that comforting somehow. And he is an independent psychiatrist, not working from one of the big health care organisations that we have, and I like that too (although it could be a risk, another part of me says). And he has 30 plus years of experience. And although he says he does't treat PTSD (hmm), he does treat fear and anxiety and developmental disorders (which should include attachment disorders), and this means we will be addressing the fearful part of me (even if I'm the only one who knows that) and that's fair enough to me at this point. He asked me what my biggest problem was at the moment and I said Fear and that got me in. He sounded kind enough and his picture looks it too. And my intake will be in two weeks! I spoke to him (not some telephone person or secretary or what have you) and made the actual appointment. It is scheduled! I almost cannot believe it.
I will have to wait and see whether this will work out at all of course. But that goes for the big health care institutions just as well, you never know where you will end up (possibly group therapy AARGH) until you get there and talk to them for real. But at least this will be (reasonably) fast now and that's really important to me because waiting around does not improve my symptoms, quite the contrary!
Now that this actual help is on the way, I think I'll wait with the parts therapy that was gonna start in February or thereabouts. See what this does first and not do too many different things at a time. Also, parts therapy is not considered 'regular care' in my country and was gonna have to be funded by me privately. If this doesn't work out, I can always try parts therapy later.
The thing is, it doesn't even matter so much to me whether it will be care that fits perfectly (could it ever?), what matters most to me at this point, is that I don't want to be doing this all by myself anymore, I want to have some human support. (That's actually why this Forum is invaluable to me too!) I don't even need these complaints to go away completely maybe, and I did all the psycho education myself already anyway, as long as I can share the burden somehow. I know everybody is struggling, I know this is what life is, I might be able to accept this, when I know I'm not alone. (Even if that sounds strange having a h and kids, but they have their own lives too). To have some support for (the Assembly of) ME. And I want some help NOW please.
I am wiped though. Maybe take a little nap this afternoon.
(Long story, apologies. Needed to get this off my chest.)
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:40:50 PMTBB, thank you for all your insight and support. it means a lot. when i mentioned being sensitive, i think it came from a place of having neg. experiences w/ too many other T's, including the first one, an NPD T who damaged me badly, so i'm now quite sensitive to what i expect from a T towards me. it's actually trauma trigger stuff. i also appreciate your validation for my feelings. 
So, i've been thinking about what to write. my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong. the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe. that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T.
i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her. it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'. this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said. honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture. never felt it. thanks for pointing this out. it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.
So, i've been thinking about what to write. my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong. the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe. that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T.
i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her. it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment. very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session. my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known. didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me! but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.
TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'. this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said. honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture. never felt it. thanks for pointing this out. it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:17:00 PMchart, what a breathtakingly beautiful attitude toward your children, your role as dad, your sense of family. despite your pain, what you're going thru, you bring out the best in you for your kids. you are remarkable, too, for braving the tsunami and making another go of it all. sending love and a hug filled w/ the strength and power you need.
#9
New Members / Re: What's in a Name - Part 3
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:09:16 PMso very cool to see these origins come to life here. 
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Marcine - January 13, 2026, 09:43:43 PMHi Hope,
Continuing with what others wrote, I was particularly struck by your words:
"remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration..."
How beautiful and powerful to remain curious toward your self and your experiences. To try things and observe the effects on you.
I appreciate the inspiration to try EMDR for a brief time. I usually launch into a longer session which is more daunting.
I'm consciously working on acknowledging when I accomplish something. I see lots of reasons to celebrate on your list. I hope you can give that to yourself...
Continuing with what others wrote, I was particularly struck by your words:
"remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration..."
How beautiful and powerful to remain curious toward your self and your experiences. To try things and observe the effects on you.
I appreciate the inspiration to try EMDR for a brief time. I usually launch into a longer session which is more daunting.
I'm consciously working on acknowledging when I accomplish something. I see lots of reasons to celebrate on your list. I hope you can give that to yourself...