Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 06:48:47 AMNo sleep again.
I realize that my symptoms are a medication I just started. I just read the insert. Sweating, severe belly pain, stomach upset. No wonder I'm anxious and tossing around the bed, my stomach isn't just in an anxious knot---the medication can cause ulcers in the GI tract. The "knot" I feel is pain.
This happens often. I assume my symptoms are anxiety or EF. Then they turn out to be something physical. And because of the delay the physical problem is always worse by the time I realize what's going on.
Of course, as soon as I get any physical symptoms, the anxiety and emotional flashbacks start up. So, it's both at this point, both an EF and physical. But the initial cause is the medication. So that's good, I'll call the doctor in the morning and see what can be done, and I'll feel better.
Meanwhile tomorrow is going to be hard again because again, NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN. Dread. Day 3, or 4? Of no sleep.
I want to become more aware and able to navigate physical symptoms. It's not helpful that I don't feel pain until it's severe, that I can't figure out what I'm experiencing, that I assume it's emotional, I end up making myself worse that way. I wish I would've realized three days ago and asked to stop or change the medicine, instead I've caused more damage. But this is my automatic response to pain, I just don't notice it, and then experience it as anxiety, and then assume I'm hallucinating or having a flashback. And then I'm actually having a flashback....
My response to pain is itself a flashback.
Now that I know it's the medicine I can not take it in the morning, call the doctor, and in the meantime I can use my skills of dissociation to "dissociate better" as Joanne Twombley says. I'll try to put the pain in a magic container, and put up feeling proof walls in my mind so I have a place to chill until morning. I am certain I won't need the ER, so it's fine to do. I just have a bad stomach ache.
I already went to the ER last week for a similar ridiculous situation where my bandages were so tight I couldn't get a full breath, which cause my intercostals to be strained, and my O2 to drop too low.... but I didn't realize it was the bandages when I went in. I thought I must have pneumonia. I had no clue that the bandages were suffocating me and I'd been wearing them for OVER A WEEK like that. The instructions said "do not remove until you see the surgeon," and I was seeing the surgeon two weeks after surgery, so I religiously followed the instructions, left them as they were, and it didn't occur to me, I couldn't feel, that they were too tight. I only knew something was wrong after a week when my O2 was low. I felt so silly in the ER, although they didn't criticize me and thought the bandages were ridiculous, not me.
This all could be CPTSD. Not knowing what's going on with your own body, misreading signals, lack of awareness, confusion, doing things that don't really make sense, mindlessly following instructions. I hate the confusion, the slow dawning of reality, and the scary feeling of realizing your understanding of reality was so messed up. It's hard to trust oneself.
My plan for tonight is to keep the TV on, pet the dog, and wait for the sun. Tomorrow night will be better, I will be off this stupid drug and on something else.
I realize that my symptoms are a medication I just started. I just read the insert. Sweating, severe belly pain, stomach upset. No wonder I'm anxious and tossing around the bed, my stomach isn't just in an anxious knot---the medication can cause ulcers in the GI tract. The "knot" I feel is pain.
This happens often. I assume my symptoms are anxiety or EF. Then they turn out to be something physical. And because of the delay the physical problem is always worse by the time I realize what's going on.
Of course, as soon as I get any physical symptoms, the anxiety and emotional flashbacks start up. So, it's both at this point, both an EF and physical. But the initial cause is the medication. So that's good, I'll call the doctor in the morning and see what can be done, and I'll feel better.
Meanwhile tomorrow is going to be hard again because again, NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN. Dread. Day 3, or 4? Of no sleep.
I want to become more aware and able to navigate physical symptoms. It's not helpful that I don't feel pain until it's severe, that I can't figure out what I'm experiencing, that I assume it's emotional, I end up making myself worse that way. I wish I would've realized three days ago and asked to stop or change the medicine, instead I've caused more damage. But this is my automatic response to pain, I just don't notice it, and then experience it as anxiety, and then assume I'm hallucinating or having a flashback. And then I'm actually having a flashback....
My response to pain is itself a flashback.
Now that I know it's the medicine I can not take it in the morning, call the doctor, and in the meantime I can use my skills of dissociation to "dissociate better" as Joanne Twombley says. I'll try to put the pain in a magic container, and put up feeling proof walls in my mind so I have a place to chill until morning. I am certain I won't need the ER, so it's fine to do. I just have a bad stomach ache.
I already went to the ER last week for a similar ridiculous situation where my bandages were so tight I couldn't get a full breath, which cause my intercostals to be strained, and my O2 to drop too low.... but I didn't realize it was the bandages when I went in. I thought I must have pneumonia. I had no clue that the bandages were suffocating me and I'd been wearing them for OVER A WEEK like that. The instructions said "do not remove until you see the surgeon," and I was seeing the surgeon two weeks after surgery, so I religiously followed the instructions, left them as they were, and it didn't occur to me, I couldn't feel, that they were too tight. I only knew something was wrong after a week when my O2 was low. I felt so silly in the ER, although they didn't criticize me and thought the bandages were ridiculous, not me.
This all could be CPTSD. Not knowing what's going on with your own body, misreading signals, lack of awareness, confusion, doing things that don't really make sense, mindlessly following instructions. I hate the confusion, the slow dawning of reality, and the scary feeling of realizing your understanding of reality was so messed up. It's hard to trust oneself.
My plan for tonight is to keep the TV on, pet the dog, and wait for the sun. Tomorrow night will be better, I will be off this stupid drug and on something else.
#2
Other / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 05:35:00 AMI'm with you on the horrible memory Chart, and it being a handicap in professional and financial life 
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Shosh5678
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 05:27:34 AMWelcome to the forum shosh 
#4
Going Low/No Contact with Familial Abusers / Re-asserting VLC boundary
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 05:07:59 AMGot a request from B2 for a phone call to discuss certain aspects of FOO finances. Tho I am grateful that my brothers seem willing to even discuss with me rather than e.g. decide over my head, and I am also grateful that they seem to have come round to the idea of FOO money continuing to support me to some degree despite our parents both being in care, which is super expensive. Nonetheless it took me sleeping a night on the subject to realise that I do NOT have to reluctantly aquiesce to B2's request!! It's a request not an order and I AM ALLOWED TO SAY "NO". Even it were an order, that would not be okay coming from B2 or anybody else in FOO, and so even more reason to say "No" to something that is going to be harmful to me. I mean that's the REASON for this particular boundary. FOO doesn't understand because beyond their comprehension apparently, but that's even more reason for me to stand my ground and stick to my boundary.
#5
Conferences/Courses / Re: FREE, Decode your trauma, ...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 04:33:48 AMRegister anyway! There are often replays.
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Shosh5678
Last post by shosh5678 - Today at 04:08:43 AMThank you very much - and thank you for asking! Virtual hug is ok. Physical - not without asking 
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Armee - Today at 03:56:23 AMOh yeah definitely relate to that! My husband still remembers in high school when he had a crush on me and I drove away with my car door, driver's side, wide-open. He thought it indicated I was equally smitten with him. 
It's nice to have the right explanation and to know it can get better as the underlying traumas get processed and the underlying parts do better at integrating or at least sharing consciousness.
Good luck in your journey! I'll try to stop by here and there. I mostly hang in the private journals section these days or where I've already responded to a thread as those pop up first.
It's nice to have the right explanation and to know it can get better as the underlying traumas get processed and the underlying parts do better at integrating or at least sharing consciousness.
Good luck in your journey! I'll try to stop by here and there. I mostly hang in the private journals section these days or where I've already responded to a thread as those pop up first.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:09:25 AMHi Armee, nice to meet you!
A fellow wall-smasher!
I'm so glad your dissociation is better. I have to be extra careful right now and try to pay attention. I just went to bed for the night---leaving the sliding glass door wide open when the dog came in twenty minutes ago....
I look forward to seeing you around the forum! I'm still figuring out where people hang out on here.
A fellow wall-smasher!
I'm so glad your dissociation is better. I have to be extra careful right now and try to pay attention. I just went to bed for the night---leaving the sliding glass door wide open when the dog came in twenty minutes ago....I look forward to seeing you around the forum! I'm still figuring out where people hang out on here.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by Armee - Today at 02:41:51 AM
I haven't been active since you joined to forum so just saying "hi" nice to meet you for now. Frank sounds perfect and amazing. And I relate very much to the clumsiness and forgetfulness of dissociation. Mine has gotten a lot better. I rarely set off our smoke detector now or drop things. Still smash into walls though.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Armee - Today at 02:37:46 AMI'm in awe of your ability to cry and feel, Chart! 