Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:59:21 PMthank you for the hugs and care, DF and NK. so appreciated. 
the short of it is that i've stopped the zoloft, am seeing the doc fri. it was making my brain crazy, wanting to hurt myself, brain rush that couldn't be controlled, even w/ some EMDR interventions. they helped, but the agitation continued thru my hands and the anxiety was overwhelming. several times i resorted to xanax (a big no-no according to my doc) which helped calm my mind, stopped the agitation. i stopped the zoloft now. the only reason i tried it was cuz the doc kept telling me to have an open mind.
you know, i know what works for me, what doesn't. to have to go thru this crapola just to make a point is crazy to me. i've been around this theater for ages, have run thru my lines every which way possible, and went thru another awful experience just to show someone i know what i'm talking about, ugh and a half!!!
and then trying to find a therapist. another nightmare where i end up distraught and antagonized cuz someone either isn't explaining, or just flat out lying. they tried to tell me that everyone in their network could take care of everything. when i asked about dissociation, they assured me, yep, their therapists could take care of that,
i know trauma and trauma treatment, know about dissociation and DID cuz i experience them, know about my alexithymia and how that affects me. you cannot tell me that everyone in your system can treat all that.
after the second person told me the same thing, i ended up collecting myself and calling back to file a complaint, this person told me they have intake persons who i would see first. well, no one else told me that, i got all fishimmeled, breaking emotionally, she said she'd put in my complaint and would have someone call me for a follow-up to fix the problem. and they wanted me to wait until the end of july of next year to see someone!!!
it was all too much. i'm gonna look for my own T in the meantime. seems they all do zoom calls now, so at least i won't have to travel. what a freakin' mess!
the short of it is that i've stopped the zoloft, am seeing the doc fri. it was making my brain crazy, wanting to hurt myself, brain rush that couldn't be controlled, even w/ some EMDR interventions. they helped, but the agitation continued thru my hands and the anxiety was overwhelming. several times i resorted to xanax (a big no-no according to my doc) which helped calm my mind, stopped the agitation. i stopped the zoloft now. the only reason i tried it was cuz the doc kept telling me to have an open mind.
you know, i know what works for me, what doesn't. to have to go thru this crapola just to make a point is crazy to me. i've been around this theater for ages, have run thru my lines every which way possible, and went thru another awful experience just to show someone i know what i'm talking about, ugh and a half!!!
and then trying to find a therapist. another nightmare where i end up distraught and antagonized cuz someone either isn't explaining, or just flat out lying. they tried to tell me that everyone in their network could take care of everything. when i asked about dissociation, they assured me, yep, their therapists could take care of that,
i know trauma and trauma treatment, know about dissociation and DID cuz i experience them, know about my alexithymia and how that affects me. you cannot tell me that everyone in your system can treat all that.
after the second person told me the same thing, i ended up collecting myself and calling back to file a complaint, this person told me they have intake persons who i would see first. well, no one else told me that, i got all fishimmeled, breaking emotionally, she said she'd put in my complaint and would have someone call me for a follow-up to fix the problem. and they wanted me to wait until the end of july of next year to see someone!!!
it was all too much. i'm gonna look for my own T in the meantime. seems they all do zoom calls now, so at least i won't have to travel. what a freakin' mess!
#2
General Discussion / (A lot) More True than "I" tho...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 09:50:17 AM(not sure where to put this)
I'm going through a rough time. Not working at the moment. That feels like failure, which is not helping me feel better.
I've thought about writing something about 'Acceptance'. Why could I (apparently) not accept what is going on with me? I read all these books, been having therapy, been telling people I have C-PTSD, etc. And here on the Forum, with great friends who truly understand, I've been talking about being triggered, parts, central nervous system, dissociation, etc. But at the same time, I didn't really feel it had sunk in, that this was really about ME. As if I was talking about having parts, but some part (HA, a Part!) did not really want to accept that this was really going on with me. I hope I'm making sense. I've been trying to make sense of this. I've been wanting to write about it too, but I didn't understand enough to.
- Trigger warning -
Last Sunday, I had another terrible EF, it really wasn't pretty. My daughter did something funny/ strange, she went out skating at near dark/ actual dark in the park behind our house and stayed away for an hour (she's fourteen) and that just set off all the alarms with me, it triggered me massively (- Trigger warning - I got raped the first time at fourteen). I ran into the dark wailing "where are you???", "what are you doing???". Getting soaked in the rain too, running around like a mad woman. I'm very ashamed of my behaviour. It took me several hours to calm down a little bit.
So this was a wake up call. Visited the GP (entrance to mental health care in my country) the next day, who was new and sweet and quite alarmed at the state I was in, and who promptly enlisted me for 'specialised mental health care' which is mental health care for more complex/heavier cases. And I'm relieved that she did, that help is on the way because I cannot do this by myself anymore (or at the moment at least). And in the mean time (there will be a waiting list) she will want to see me twice a week. So there you go. Properly mentally ill.
And I've been thinking, why did I let it come this far? Because I had seen some signs. I knew I was overdoing it, keeping on going like I was.
And just I now read Janina Fisher's book "Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma" and I am beginning to understand, I think.
These parts I had identified (but not really felt, admitted them into the light) are a lot more separated than I thought. And I have a very strong 'Keep on going'- part. Really, very strong. Managing all our affairs, performing professionally, taking care of the kids etc. And this part really did not want to know - and I'm starting to think - could not know how the other parts were doing (not so well). Because the other parts got separated because otherwise the trauma would have been too hard to deal with. They got separated for a reason. They got separated for real. That is why the knowledge of what was going on with me did not sink in, the separated parts knew, but the going-on-part could not take it in, because it felt it needed to keep-on-going. But the other parts were starting to make themselves heard more and more and became stronger and are now taking up their space. And these parts had been afraid that they were making this up, would not be believed, because they had not been believed.
I think this is also the reason "I" could not cry. This is actually the keep-on-going-part that cannot cry. Some of the other parts can cry big time, I noticed. Cried their eyes out they did. And I've apparently got an SI-part too. Keep-on-going-part did not know that either.
And I am in fact dissociating a lot more than I thought too. I read the examples of memory problems associated with this phenomenon and I have a LOT more of these than I thought. I dissociate many many times a day. I do not know where "I" go in the mean time. My husband does not see this happening either, I don't think he thought there was that much wrong with me either, but I explained to him and he's accepting what I say.
So this is now making a lot more sense to me. And it's comforting to the parts that have been crying out for help. And the keep-on-going-part has had to step back now. Taking care of (all of) myself first, hoping to get through the holidays somewhat, stabilising myself first and then taking some new steps into the new "Assembly of Me". Hoping to get better.
I'm going through a rough time. Not working at the moment. That feels like failure, which is not helping me feel better.
I've thought about writing something about 'Acceptance'. Why could I (apparently) not accept what is going on with me? I read all these books, been having therapy, been telling people I have C-PTSD, etc. And here on the Forum, with great friends who truly understand, I've been talking about being triggered, parts, central nervous system, dissociation, etc. But at the same time, I didn't really feel it had sunk in, that this was really about ME. As if I was talking about having parts, but some part (HA, a Part!) did not really want to accept that this was really going on with me. I hope I'm making sense. I've been trying to make sense of this. I've been wanting to write about it too, but I didn't understand enough to.
- Trigger warning -
Last Sunday, I had another terrible EF, it really wasn't pretty. My daughter did something funny/ strange, she went out skating at near dark/ actual dark in the park behind our house and stayed away for an hour (she's fourteen) and that just set off all the alarms with me, it triggered me massively (- Trigger warning - I got raped the first time at fourteen). I ran into the dark wailing "where are you???", "what are you doing???". Getting soaked in the rain too, running around like a mad woman. I'm very ashamed of my behaviour. It took me several hours to calm down a little bit.
So this was a wake up call. Visited the GP (entrance to mental health care in my country) the next day, who was new and sweet and quite alarmed at the state I was in, and who promptly enlisted me for 'specialised mental health care' which is mental health care for more complex/heavier cases. And I'm relieved that she did, that help is on the way because I cannot do this by myself anymore (or at the moment at least). And in the mean time (there will be a waiting list) she will want to see me twice a week. So there you go. Properly mentally ill.
And I've been thinking, why did I let it come this far? Because I had seen some signs. I knew I was overdoing it, keeping on going like I was.
And just I now read Janina Fisher's book "Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma" and I am beginning to understand, I think.
These parts I had identified (but not really felt, admitted them into the light) are a lot more separated than I thought. And I have a very strong 'Keep on going'- part. Really, very strong. Managing all our affairs, performing professionally, taking care of the kids etc. And this part really did not want to know - and I'm starting to think - could not know how the other parts were doing (not so well). Because the other parts got separated because otherwise the trauma would have been too hard to deal with. They got separated for a reason. They got separated for real. That is why the knowledge of what was going on with me did not sink in, the separated parts knew, but the going-on-part could not take it in, because it felt it needed to keep-on-going. But the other parts were starting to make themselves heard more and more and became stronger and are now taking up their space. And these parts had been afraid that they were making this up, would not be believed, because they had not been believed.
I think this is also the reason "I" could not cry. This is actually the keep-on-going-part that cannot cry. Some of the other parts can cry big time, I noticed. Cried their eyes out they did. And I've apparently got an SI-part too. Keep-on-going-part did not know that either.
And I am in fact dissociating a lot more than I thought too. I read the examples of memory problems associated with this phenomenon and I have a LOT more of these than I thought. I dissociate many many times a day. I do not know where "I" go in the mean time. My husband does not see this happening either, I don't think he thought there was that much wrong with me either, but I explained to him and he's accepting what I say.
So this is now making a lot more sense to me. And it's comforting to the parts that have been crying out for help. And the keep-on-going-part has had to step back now. Taking care of (all of) myself first, hoping to get through the holidays somewhat, stabilising myself first and then taking some new steps into the new "Assembly of Me". Hoping to get better.
#3
Inner Child Work / Re: Learning to write
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 09:39:26 AMQuote from: Saluki on October 09, 2025, 12:08:31 AMMy mother never wanted children and she treated me like a school pupil rather than a daughter.I know I'm a little late to this thread but this resonates terribly with me too. This is me exactly.
I'm really sorry it was this way for you Saluki, and all of us here.
(I've been thinking about not being able to cry too and I've come up with something, I'll put that in another post though.)
#4
General Discussion / Re: progress notes nov 25
Last post by JamesG3 - December 09, 2025, 03:54:15 PMQuote from: Kizzie on December 05, 2025, 08:04:44 PMRe the book, we have a draft manuscript we're sending out to agents/publishers now. From what we've heard/read it looks to be a long process. The book team are having a meeting this Sunday and I think we're going to talk about a drop dead date. By that I mean if we haven't been picked up by XXXX we will likely move into self-publishing. More to come!
Mmm, publishers, nothing reminds me of an abusive relationship more than a publishing deal! I did 15 plus years in mainstream publishing and I can tell that indie slef publishing is the way... IF and it's a big if, you can get your head around the marketing. Feel free to message me if you need a bit of the indie advice.
#5
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Feel lonely
Last post by Ran - December 09, 2025, 03:15:58 PMQuote from: Kizzie on December 09, 2025, 02:59:44 PMReaching out is helpful if you're feeling lonely Ran. Do you have a therapist who can also help you work on this?
Not right now. Only person I've talked to about it all is an helpline person. I have psychiatrist appointment coming up on the 22nd of December, where I'll try to get referred to a psychologist or something as I have no funds for therapy on my own.
#6
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Feel lonely
Last post by Kizzie - December 09, 2025, 02:59:44 PMReaching out is helpful if you're feeling lonely Ran. Do you have a therapist who can also help you work on this?
#7
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Feel lonely
Last post by Ran - December 09, 2025, 02:43:19 PM
#8
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Feel lonely
Last post by Blueberry - December 09, 2025, 02:33:56 PM #9
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 09, 2025, 01:34:47 PMWell done for being brave enough to start a journal and keep posting in spite of your fears.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now with migraine and EF. I think this time of year is tough for many of us, but of course we have no control over when the dreaded EF strikes. I've also started noticing that a long EF can rise and fall a bit. So just when I think it might have gone because I feel great one morning I realise it is actually lurking under the surface and it takes very little to ramp it up again. Your comment about what your therapist would say to you resonates with me, because I am sure my increased awareness is also a sign of healing. Doesn't make it easier to weather, though.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now with migraine and EF. I think this time of year is tough for many of us, but of course we have no control over when the dreaded EF strikes. I've also started noticing that a long EF can rise and fall a bit. So just when I think it might have gone because I feel great one morning I realise it is actually lurking under the surface and it takes very little to ramp it up again. Your comment about what your therapist would say to you resonates with me, because I am sure my increased awareness is also a sign of healing. Doesn't make it easier to weather, though.
#10
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Feel lonely
Last post by Ran - December 09, 2025, 01:31:40 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on December 09, 2025, 01:29:13 PMThings can be like a cycle for everyone, not just our community. I think the internet has been wonderful in recent years for giving us places where we can engage when we need/want to and can pull back a little if we need a break.
It's definetly true. I don't remember having such needyness before. Now people are available for you 24/7 thanks to online enviroments. I was needy, but not in this level. I've been feeling void inside too.