Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:04:53 AMRan, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
#2
Recovery Journals / Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:24:42 AMHello,
I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.
I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 09:30:28 PMDF:
I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.
I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.
I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.
I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.
You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!
PC.
I agree about the lousy electricians. Bad wiring causes fires, misfires, smoke, system and appliance failures: I'm talking about both house wiring and brain wiring.
I have recently begun to understand the "Identified Patient" concept. I think of it as the Gilligan concept. In the 1960s, the TV Show Gilligan's Island was about 7 castaways who always blamed everything on Gilligan. Poor kid couldn't do anything right it seemed. In all too many families, or even work crews, or teams, one poor soul get's tagged as the Identified Patient, or, as I call it, The Gilligan. Once that reputation is bought into by all, it is nearly impossible to shake off. It's not only the targeted person who lives with the reputation, but everyone else becomes comfortable with it also. If we are the unlucky soul to be tagged as "the Gilligan", then pretty soon, we just can't do anything right anymore, even when we really DO everything right. We become "typecast" as they say in the Entertainment Industry. Once we are "the Gilligan" we just remain there because that's just what everyone has decided we are. The convenience of having a Gilligan to blame everything on is not an easy convenience for them to let go of. It might make them reassess who really was at fault for their flaws.
I'm very sorry to read how badly you fear, even for your life, that people will be unhappy with your doings, even those doings that you didn't know were assigned to you. I remember well, being hated by people who had heard things about me that weren't true, AND that to this day I still don't know what it was they had even heard. How unfair to be shunned and scoffed at for something that wasn't even true. But a rumor was generated, in case by an "unkind" sibling, and was robustly spread around behind my back, so that when I showed up with a big, stupid smile on my face, I'd be horrified to suddenly discover I was unwelcome and half the room hated me for something I didn't even know I had been accused of.
I do resonate with how terrifying that is. It really does feel like a fight for our life.
You're not alone, DF. Your friends on the forum respect and trust you, just like you do us. There are a lot of us Gilligans on this deserted island together, and we are good people. All of us. You included!
PC.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 09:09:15 PMTheBigBlue,
Your hugs are well received. Thank you!
Desert Flower,
Your hugs are also as well received and thank you too. AND No apologies are needed about responding to my post. I welcome the responses. I love the responses!!! I always hope for responses. I feel less alone in the world when we all respond to one another. I don't see your response as rambling, I see it as joining with me and connecting our Holiday stressors in the spirit of togetherness. I hope that the absence of your mother's criticisms this year does indeed make this Thanksgiving a lot less stressful than any in the past. I hope that as the remaining family becomes allowed now to view you through their own eyes, rather than through hers, that you find some rest and inner peace within your relations with a few of them too.
My critical family is mostly all gone now, and I do, I truly DO find it nice to not have to defend myself against their twisted perspectives of who I am and have always been. I'm finding it easier to forgive a few relatives now that the antagonist is gone and the abuse has pretty much stopped finally. (I remain No Contact with them, but I don't hate or even fear them anymore. I just remain NC because it's just better to leave sleeping dogs lie).
I wish you a new Thanksgiving wish with an extra dose of relaxation this year.
PC.
Your hugs are well received. Thank you!
Desert Flower,
Your hugs are also as well received and thank you too. AND No apologies are needed about responding to my post. I welcome the responses. I love the responses!!! I always hope for responses. I feel less alone in the world when we all respond to one another. I don't see your response as rambling, I see it as joining with me and connecting our Holiday stressors in the spirit of togetherness. I hope that the absence of your mother's criticisms this year does indeed make this Thanksgiving a lot less stressful than any in the past. I hope that as the remaining family becomes allowed now to view you through their own eyes, rather than through hers, that you find some rest and inner peace within your relations with a few of them too.
My critical family is mostly all gone now, and I do, I truly DO find it nice to not have to defend myself against their twisted perspectives of who I am and have always been. I'm finding it easier to forgive a few relatives now that the antagonist is gone and the abuse has pretty much stopped finally. (I remain No Contact with them, but I don't hate or even fear them anymore. I just remain NC because it's just better to leave sleeping dogs lie).
I wish you a new Thanksgiving wish with an extra dose of relaxation this year.
PC.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 26, 2025, 07:16:20 PM 
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Desert Flower - November 26, 2025, 07:06:30 PMHi Papa Coco, thank you for sharing your wonderful thoughts once again, they are ever so helpful to me.
Yes, dreading the holiday season over here too, just filled out a questionnaire about that for a trauma patients panel I am on. I wish we could do without any of these 'festive' days where we should, should, should all 'enjoy' ourselves (when in reality we are only being triggered, triggered, triggered). But we will get through them together on OOTS!
The only difference is, just a few days ago it struck me, this year might be different because this year, with my M gone, I will not have to deal with any of her opinions, rejections, non-support etc. etc. throughout these days. I can just be me (I hope, whatever the others think of me, let them think - I'm trying to install this new path here).
Apologies for rambling in your journal.
Yes, dreading the holiday season over here too, just filled out a questionnaire about that for a trauma patients panel I am on. I wish we could do without any of these 'festive' days where we should, should, should all 'enjoy' ourselves (when in reality we are only being triggered, triggered, triggered). But we will get through them together on OOTS!
The only difference is, just a few days ago it struck me, this year might be different because this year, with my M gone, I will not have to deal with any of her opinions, rejections, non-support etc. etc. throughout these days. I can just be me (I hope, whatever the others think of me, let them think - I'm trying to install this new path here).
Apologies for rambling in your journal.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 06:59:15 PMSO,
Thank you for sharing this inspiring report of how connecting with nature, and hard work, and off grid exercise, and sleeping when it's dark and working while it's light is being so healing for you right now.
My focus went mostly onto your comment that "It's a lot better to have already accepted that it's not really up to me what happens. Makes the journey so much lighter."
I just finished a novel where a man walked a 2000 mile highway from Chicago to California, Route 66. He brought up that same comment, that the journey IS the destination.
You are on that journey now in your isolation, and you are where you want to be and it's inspiring to read about it.
Again, thank you for sharing this experience with us, and I'll be thinking about you more while you're still in it and while you're coming back from it. I hope that the experience gives some of that irreversible growth that sometimes happens. Sometimes, when we experience something new, we never forget it. We never return to where we were before we knew it. Once we learn how to ride a bike we never return to a person that didn't know how to ride a bike. Growth is a one-way journey that IS the destination.
PC
Thank you for sharing this inspiring report of how connecting with nature, and hard work, and off grid exercise, and sleeping when it's dark and working while it's light is being so healing for you right now.
My focus went mostly onto your comment that "It's a lot better to have already accepted that it's not really up to me what happens. Makes the journey so much lighter."
I just finished a novel where a man walked a 2000 mile highway from Chicago to California, Route 66. He brought up that same comment, that the journey IS the destination.
You are on that journey now in your isolation, and you are where you want to be and it's inspiring to read about it.
Again, thank you for sharing this experience with us, and I'll be thinking about you more while you're still in it and while you're coming back from it. I hope that the experience gives some of that irreversible growth that sometimes happens. Sometimes, when we experience something new, we never forget it. We never return to where we were before we knew it. Once we learn how to ride a bike we never return to a person that didn't know how to ride a bike. Growth is a one-way journey that IS the destination.
PC
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Papa Coco - November 26, 2025, 06:49:18 PMSan,
I so understand the bedtime stressors. Bedtime has been difficult for me lately too, so I feel extra compassion for what you're going through.
I'm glad your extra medication helped you sleep soundly once it took effect.
I also feel a lot of truth in what you said about how this is an entanglement of more than one emotion layered on top of each other. 3 marriages makes for 3 times as many traumatic experiences. Dealing with just one emotion is difficult enough, but as we realize that there are a bunch of them all piled up, it helps us to better understand why we're struggling as much as we are. It's more like we're in a tornado and a flood and an earthquake all at the same time.
I'm glad you shared your feelings on this thread so I can feel some of the stress with you, and share that I often feel very similar things to what you are reporting now. I know these online hug emojis are just emojis, but I also know that I can feel them when people pass them to each other, so I just want to send you a nice long emoji hug for today. Here on the OOTS forum, our physical addresses are scattered all over the world, but our hearts are sharing the same space in time and empathy. So, this extra-large emoji hug is from my heart to yours, right here and right now.
PC
I so understand the bedtime stressors. Bedtime has been difficult for me lately too, so I feel extra compassion for what you're going through.
I'm glad your extra medication helped you sleep soundly once it took effect.
I also feel a lot of truth in what you said about how this is an entanglement of more than one emotion layered on top of each other. 3 marriages makes for 3 times as many traumatic experiences. Dealing with just one emotion is difficult enough, but as we realize that there are a bunch of them all piled up, it helps us to better understand why we're struggling as much as we are. It's more like we're in a tornado and a flood and an earthquake all at the same time.
I'm glad you shared your feelings on this thread so I can feel some of the stress with you, and share that I often feel very similar things to what you are reporting now. I know these online hug emojis are just emojis, but I also know that I can feel them when people pass them to each other, so I just want to send you a nice long emoji hug for today. Here on the OOTS forum, our physical addresses are scattered all over the world, but our hearts are sharing the same space in time and empathy. So, this extra-large emoji hug is from my heart to yours, right here and right now.
PC
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Desert Flower - November 26, 2025, 06:48:59 PMQuote from: Dark.art.girl on November 02, 2025, 12:22:33 AMMy mother allowed him to groom and take advantage of me when I was 14/15 and he was 22. She nearly facilitated the whole thing and told that predator to "keep his mouth shut" so he didn't get in any more trouble. Is that considered trafficking?Yes, in my country it would be, I believe. But it would be very very hard to prove, I'm so sorry to have to add. Especially, when there aren't any credible witnesses (I'm not sure whether there are any in your case.)
This resonates with me tremendously, I've had to let go of the perspective of any of the abuse being prosecuted. It's a really tough one to have to accept. I'm so sorry about this.
Sending you big hugs and cheers for doing so well, anyhow. I hope being here on the forum and feeling the support of the community will help you too, like it is helping me very much. (apologies for the rusty English, I'm tired)
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Desert Flower - November 26, 2025, 06:27:44 PMQuote from: Papa Coco on October 31, 2025, 06:53:19 PMThe past and the present seemed to be occupying the exact same space in my head for a few moments.Don't want to be crowding your journal as a busy know-it-all. It just all sounds so terribly familiar. This one too, is what the brain does when traumatic things happen, it's not storing memories the way it should tied to a timeline, which leaves these memories (or what's left of them in our consious brain) sort of free floating.
That's where EMDR comes in I think, re-storing these memories in the right place (without the connection to the tremendous emotional load they carry). Hope I'm making sense, these are just my descriptions of what I remembered. If it's not helpful, just disregard.