Recent posts
#1
Art / Re: beauty in brokenness
Last post by Teddy bear - February 07, 2026, 11:14:52 PMThis really resonates with me too — what a beautiful idea!
#2
Art / Re: Art Project for Survivors
Last post by Teddy bear - February 07, 2026, 11:02:21 PMHi ComplexArt,
That's a very interesting project. It's great that it's open to submissions from non-professionals too. I'll send my work asap
That's a very interesting project. It's great that it's open to submissions from non-professionals too. I'll send my work asap
#3
Art / Re: Mandalas in Colored Pencil
Last post by Teddy bear - February 07, 2026, 10:43:02 PMThat's so beautiful! 💚 They remind me of the crocheted napkins that my relatives used to make in the past (though not so colourful, of course). I did a bit of that too, to a lesser extent.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Starting my journal
Last post by holidayay - February 07, 2026, 07:05:58 PMWow, its been nearly a year since I last posted here. And coming onto 7 years since I started this blog.
What a whirlwind of a journey its been.
I feel like several versions of me have passed between the date of my first entry here and today.
So many layers have been peeled back, peeked into, dug out and analyzed and dealt with.
Then...new layers uncovered.
Its quite a shock how much the things that used to bother me and terrify me, don't anymore. The things I used to worry about. The things I didn't yet know how to do, and worried I would never know, that I'd missed the boat.
Funny. Even when these things are proven untrue, it still doesn't stop that feeling being just as strong and seemingly all-pervasive when the next thing to fear comes up. And yet knowing that these feelings are only that; just feelings, that they are not necessarily reflective of truth or even in some cases, they can cause you to believe in outright lies....this gives me hopes for the new set of challenges that pop up.
Looking back retrospectively to apply PROSpectively. I'm sure one of my previous consultants at work told me there was a term for this. Something to do with higher-brain thinking, or something like that. Supposedly its a sign of intelligence (ah yes I am flattering myself). Well, anyway - it works.
And yet, I still find myself shrivelling and curling up and wanting to hide under the covers when the next CPTSD layer is unlocked.
This time? Grief. Grief at what never was, what could have been, what was snatched away from me, what was taken and distorted into something horrible, false, oppressive. And anger at the realisations of all that I lived with that did not need to be there that made me continue the theme, to snatch things away from myself. Like toxic shame. I am angry that this was used to keep me quiet, to keep my true self at bay for the comfort of those around me.
And...pure devastation. Devastated that I lost my family to dysfunction. That I don't know where my siblings are, that I don't know how their mental health struggles play out and the agony of forcing myself to stay away because jumping in before only brought incomprehensible stress and upheaval into my already fragile psyche.
I've stopped running from grief. I've stopped taking on endless shifts, to keep me busy from it all. I've stopped running around to serve others, in a big to avoid serving myself.
And the silence that is left...is not silent at all. A lot of the time, it feels like I am bleeding pain. That it runs through my veins spreading through my body continuously. A soon as its made its way around once, off it goes again...with another wave of memories and emotional flashbacks.
But.
I'm learning this is not my cue to flee. Or freeze. That I can be still with them. That they have a reason and a purpose to come up. And though it feels awful, they cannot hurt me. They are just like a visitor in the night, wanting to take shelter for a while until the daybreak comes up and they can safely be on their way. Energy just transferring its way through. The dam previously holding them back has burst.
I am ok with being vulnerable a bit more now. I am ok with dualities. I am ok with admitting that I miss and yearn for things that have hurt me. That this is the normal attaching process of a child. That I was never defective. That ending up confused and traumatised was the only logical end process.
I miss them. I miss what was, and what could have been. I miss not missing them.
I don't know how grief plays out. I've only really ever ran from it. But I've learnt you cannot fool it or escape it just because you don't like it.
I've stopped attaching my self worth and validation to achievements. To careers and superficial appearances. Its lonely and quiet here too, another stop in the land of stopping things.
I feel like a chrysalis. I have no real clue what comes next. But, the process can be trusted. I love hope. I will always believe in it. It will forever be that final stronghold, that no-one can seize and colonise.
What a whirlwind of a journey its been.
I feel like several versions of me have passed between the date of my first entry here and today.
So many layers have been peeled back, peeked into, dug out and analyzed and dealt with.
Then...new layers uncovered.
Its quite a shock how much the things that used to bother me and terrify me, don't anymore. The things I used to worry about. The things I didn't yet know how to do, and worried I would never know, that I'd missed the boat.
Funny. Even when these things are proven untrue, it still doesn't stop that feeling being just as strong and seemingly all-pervasive when the next thing to fear comes up. And yet knowing that these feelings are only that; just feelings, that they are not necessarily reflective of truth or even in some cases, they can cause you to believe in outright lies....this gives me hopes for the new set of challenges that pop up.
Looking back retrospectively to apply PROSpectively. I'm sure one of my previous consultants at work told me there was a term for this. Something to do with higher-brain thinking, or something like that. Supposedly its a sign of intelligence (ah yes I am flattering myself). Well, anyway - it works.
And yet, I still find myself shrivelling and curling up and wanting to hide under the covers when the next CPTSD layer is unlocked.
This time? Grief. Grief at what never was, what could have been, what was snatched away from me, what was taken and distorted into something horrible, false, oppressive. And anger at the realisations of all that I lived with that did not need to be there that made me continue the theme, to snatch things away from myself. Like toxic shame. I am angry that this was used to keep me quiet, to keep my true self at bay for the comfort of those around me.
And...pure devastation. Devastated that I lost my family to dysfunction. That I don't know where my siblings are, that I don't know how their mental health struggles play out and the agony of forcing myself to stay away because jumping in before only brought incomprehensible stress and upheaval into my already fragile psyche.
I've stopped running from grief. I've stopped taking on endless shifts, to keep me busy from it all. I've stopped running around to serve others, in a big to avoid serving myself.
And the silence that is left...is not silent at all. A lot of the time, it feels like I am bleeding pain. That it runs through my veins spreading through my body continuously. A soon as its made its way around once, off it goes again...with another wave of memories and emotional flashbacks.
But.
I'm learning this is not my cue to flee. Or freeze. That I can be still with them. That they have a reason and a purpose to come up. And though it feels awful, they cannot hurt me. They are just like a visitor in the night, wanting to take shelter for a while until the daybreak comes up and they can safely be on their way. Energy just transferring its way through. The dam previously holding them back has burst.
I am ok with being vulnerable a bit more now. I am ok with dualities. I am ok with admitting that I miss and yearn for things that have hurt me. That this is the normal attaching process of a child. That I was never defective. That ending up confused and traumatised was the only logical end process.
I miss them. I miss what was, and what could have been. I miss not missing them.
I don't know how grief plays out. I've only really ever ran from it. But I've learnt you cannot fool it or escape it just because you don't like it.
I've stopped attaching my self worth and validation to achievements. To careers and superficial appearances. Its lonely and quiet here too, another stop in the land of stopping things.
I feel like a chrysalis. I have no real clue what comes next. But, the process can be trusted. I love hope. I will always believe in it. It will forever be that final stronghold, that no-one can seize and colonise.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 07, 2026, 06:24:47 PMCongratulations Hannah!
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Being seen like that - believed, understood, protected, and not argued with - is profound. The way you describe the relief in your body, the quiet, the sense of being held ... it's incredibly moving. Not just the referrals or the medical clarity, but that moment of recognition: "I see you. I know this. This isn't your fault." That kind of attunement can be life-changing, especially after years of misdiagnosis and medical neglect. It makes so much sense that your system could finally rest. 💛
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Being seen like that - believed, understood, protected, and not argued with - is profound. The way you describe the relief in your body, the quiet, the sense of being held ... it's incredibly moving. Not just the referrals or the medical clarity, but that moment of recognition: "I see you. I know this. This isn't your fault." That kind of attunement can be life-changing, especially after years of misdiagnosis and medical neglect. It makes so much sense that your system could finally rest. 💛
#6
Friends / Re: Sensitivity to any ups and...
Last post by Kizzie - February 07, 2026, 04:48:00 PM
What BB asked. If they do suffer from CPTSD it may be you can navigate this together. #7
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: deprivation
Last post by Kizzie - February 07, 2026, 04:45:16 PMQuotesomeday i may have to drag a guy off a barstool and bring him home w/ me - there are things i can't do myself, after all!
You go girl! I say drag a guy off a barstool and drag him on home
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - February 07, 2026, 04:30:58 PMto me, it feels like a miracle to find a doc who 'sees' you, listens, hears, helps. hannah1, i'm so glad for you, honestly. docs who don't listen, ignore, dismiss. just lately i, too, think i've found a doc who will listen, take me seriously, look past the silence and ask questions instead. feels like a miracle, indeed.
here's hoping you get some relief from all you've been made to suffer thru. it's just not right. this is wonderful news!
sending love and a hug filled w/ all the help you've been needing for so long, and meds that help you feel better.
here's hoping you get some relief from all you've been made to suffer thru. it's just not right. this is wonderful news!
sending love and a hug filled w/ all the help you've been needing for so long, and meds that help you feel better.
#9
Friends / Re: Dropping Everyone Like Fli...
Last post by Blueberry - February 07, 2026, 12:43:11 PMThank you so much TBB, I've just read your post (again) now. It's really helping me accept myself.
#10
Friends / Re: Sensitivity to any ups and...
Last post by Blueberry - February 07, 2026, 12:37:04 PMCould your friend have cptsd as well? And be triggered? Just a thought.