Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 09:47:26 AMQuote from: GoSlash27 on February 22, 2026, 03:41:28 PMIt was really upsetting me to consider the notion that my early memories might not be real, but I've corroborated too many of them.
Now that I better understand the mechanism and see that other sufferers of dissociative amnesia have reported a similar experience, I feel better about the whole thing.
I think I understand what's going on a bit better now.
I'm sorry that having this stuff come up causes anxiety. I'm guessing that was the part that you were hoping to "fix" by recovering everything. I used to think my t was saying a canned response, or didn't really believe it, when she would tell me that it's really hard to do this work, and commend me for trying. It is really hard to grapple with these things, and I hope you can give yourself some space to process what's coming up.
Sending you support,
dolly
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 09:24:19 AMHannah, thank you so much for this reply - it really moved me. What you wrote about that new sense of objectivity stood out to me too. That shift from "this is me, something is wrong with me" to "this is a situation some people grew up in" feels profound - and also strangely destabilizing at first. I remember that mix of relief and distance, like finally being able to see the landscape, but not yet knowing where I am in it.
I also really recognize what you said about compassion seeping outward first and then, slowly, back toward yourself. That is still a work in progress for me; it feels easier to have clarity and respect for others than for myself. Letting that turn inward - I think - comes from repeated moments of recognition like this one.
That question you ended with - how to let life today be about you, coming from inside rather than from roles - feels so central. When so much of growing up wasn't about us at all, it makes sense that even having space can feel foreign rather than freeing. I don't have answers either, but I really appreciate you naming the question. I'm glad we can sit with it together here.
Thank you for sharing so openly. I appreciate you and your reflection very much. 💛
I also really recognize what you said about compassion seeping outward first and then, slowly, back toward yourself. That is still a work in progress for me; it feels easier to have clarity and respect for others than for myself. Letting that turn inward - I think - comes from repeated moments of recognition like this one.
That question you ended with - how to let life today be about you, coming from inside rather than from roles - feels so central. When so much of growing up wasn't about us at all, it makes sense that even having space can feel foreign rather than freeing. I don't have answers either, but I really appreciate you naming the question. I'm glad we can sit with it together here.
Thank you for sharing so openly. I appreciate you and your reflection very much. 💛
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 08:38:06 AMGS27, I really resonate with parts of what you're saying, even though my own path has unfolded a bit differently.
For the past 11 months I've also been intensely exploring my history - largely alone, since my FOO doesn't know about my diagnosis or my struggles. For me, there was real relief at certain milestones: a narrative that finally made sense starting very early (even in the womb), and later the difficult realization that the "loving" parent likely hurt me more than the overtly narcissistic one - through parentification, horizontal enmeshment, causing self-erasure. That reframing mattered a lot.
I also recognize something you describe very clearly: the role of being the historian. In my case, no one in my family is asking for that history - but I can feel how different (and heavier) it is when someone else depends on you to reconstruct it. Carrying not only your own continuity, but also helping your sister fill in gaps that no one else can fill, adds an ethical weight to the task. That makes the drive to keep going feel like responsibility.
At the same time, I've had a couple of moments where something shifted in my journey. One was when I stopped counting individual Big-T events (in addition to the 1000 little cuts). I had reached 28, and it became clear that counting them wasn't actually adding understanding. What mattered more was recognizing that my upbringing left me fundamentally unprotected - and that the accumulation and pattern shaped my adaptations far more than any single event.
Another was de-idealizing my mother. Once that clicked, new memories did come up - but interestingly, they didn't carry the same weight. They didn't feel like "missing pieces" anymore. They fit into a pattern I already understood, rather than changing the picture.
So for me, the work has gradually shifted from finding more to seeing the structure: how those early conditions shaped my nervous system, my coping strategies, my sense of responsibility, and the life I built. I don't know yet whether I'm "done" with reconstructing - I suspect I'm not - but I've noticed that coherence sometimes comes less from adding details and more from understanding impact and adaptation.
I wanted to share that as another angle - not to contradict your approach, but to stand alongside it. I recognize the drive to restore continuity and authorship. I've just found that at certain points, the task subtly changes - from filling gaps to understanding what the whole system did to survive.
(if that's ok)
For the past 11 months I've also been intensely exploring my history - largely alone, since my FOO doesn't know about my diagnosis or my struggles. For me, there was real relief at certain milestones: a narrative that finally made sense starting very early (even in the womb), and later the difficult realization that the "loving" parent likely hurt me more than the overtly narcissistic one - through parentification, horizontal enmeshment, causing self-erasure. That reframing mattered a lot.
I also recognize something you describe very clearly: the role of being the historian. In my case, no one in my family is asking for that history - but I can feel how different (and heavier) it is when someone else depends on you to reconstruct it. Carrying not only your own continuity, but also helping your sister fill in gaps that no one else can fill, adds an ethical weight to the task. That makes the drive to keep going feel like responsibility.
At the same time, I've had a couple of moments where something shifted in my journey. One was when I stopped counting individual Big-T events (in addition to the 1000 little cuts). I had reached 28, and it became clear that counting them wasn't actually adding understanding. What mattered more was recognizing that my upbringing left me fundamentally unprotected - and that the accumulation and pattern shaped my adaptations far more than any single event.
Another was de-idealizing my mother. Once that clicked, new memories did come up - but interestingly, they didn't carry the same weight. They didn't feel like "missing pieces" anymore. They fit into a pattern I already understood, rather than changing the picture.
So for me, the work has gradually shifted from finding more to seeing the structure: how those early conditions shaped my nervous system, my coping strategies, my sense of responsibility, and the life I built. I don't know yet whether I'm "done" with reconstructing - I suspect I'm not - but I've noticed that coherence sometimes comes less from adding details and more from understanding impact and adaptation.
I wanted to share that as another angle - not to contradict your approach, but to stand alongside it. I recognize the drive to restore continuity and authorship. I've just found that at certain points, the task subtly changes - from filling gaps to understanding what the whole system did to survive.
(if that's ok)
#4
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 07:47:54 AMYour descriptions were very clear and thought-provoking, even where they don't line up exactly with my own experience. Reading them sparked my curiosity. I hope it's okay to share a summary of what I think I understood from looking into memory and CPTSD - offered loosely as "take what fits, leave the rest." 🙂
Many people with trauma histories describe dissociation not as "becoming someone else," but as a sense of not being fully here - detached, foggy, or partially offline while still feeling like themselves.
This kind of description often comes up alongside experiences like being present enough to function in the moment, but later not remembering everyday events or conversations, or forgetting why certain plans or decisions were made.
In clinical definitions, dissociation includes experiences such as depersonalization and derealization - feeling detached from oneself and/or from surroundings - while identity and reality testing remain intact.
Dissociation can therefore be experienced more as absence or blankness than as feeling like a different person. Descriptions such as "I'm not here" or "only part of me is online" are consistent with dissociative phenomena, even when someone otherwise feels like themselves and remembers their life overall.
Trauma research also distinguishes between different memory systems, often described in broad terms as narrative or autobiographical memory (facts and events) and sensory-emotional or implicit memory (felt sense, emotion, bodily response). Under stress, these systems may be poorly integrated. This can look like remembering what happened without feeling connected to it, noticing that neutral or even positive experiences don't seem to "stick," or having strong intellectual or academic memory alongside gaps in everyday recall. This pattern is different from repression or global amnesia; the information may exist, but it wasn't encoded or integrated in a way that makes it easily retrievable later.
Research in neuroscience and psychology also describes state-dependent memory, meaning recall can vary depending on whether the internal state at retrieval matches the state at encoding. In everyday life, this can show up as decisions made in one state that don't make sense later, forgetting the reasoning behind plans or actions, or intentions and motivations feeling disconnected from the present self. The memory itself may still exist, but access to it can depend on internal state.
Clinical literature on dissociation and depersonalization also notes that dissociative experiences can occur alongside intact reality testing and strong cognitive functioning. Many people show high academic or professional performance, strong verbal or analytical skills, and efficient information processing, while still experiencing gaps in presence or embodiment, uneven continuity of experience, or difficulty staying oriented to everyday activities or environments. This reflects uneven impact across systems, not contradiction or lack of insight.
Seen this way, these patterns can help shift the question from "What's wrong with me?" to "How did my system learn to function under long-term stress?"
Many people with trauma histories describe dissociation not as "becoming someone else," but as a sense of not being fully here - detached, foggy, or partially offline while still feeling like themselves.
This kind of description often comes up alongside experiences like being present enough to function in the moment, but later not remembering everyday events or conversations, or forgetting why certain plans or decisions were made.
In clinical definitions, dissociation includes experiences such as depersonalization and derealization - feeling detached from oneself and/or from surroundings - while identity and reality testing remain intact.
Dissociation can therefore be experienced more as absence or blankness than as feeling like a different person. Descriptions such as "I'm not here" or "only part of me is online" are consistent with dissociative phenomena, even when someone otherwise feels like themselves and remembers their life overall.
Trauma research also distinguishes between different memory systems, often described in broad terms as narrative or autobiographical memory (facts and events) and sensory-emotional or implicit memory (felt sense, emotion, bodily response). Under stress, these systems may be poorly integrated. This can look like remembering what happened without feeling connected to it, noticing that neutral or even positive experiences don't seem to "stick," or having strong intellectual or academic memory alongside gaps in everyday recall. This pattern is different from repression or global amnesia; the information may exist, but it wasn't encoded or integrated in a way that makes it easily retrievable later.
Research in neuroscience and psychology also describes state-dependent memory, meaning recall can vary depending on whether the internal state at retrieval matches the state at encoding. In everyday life, this can show up as decisions made in one state that don't make sense later, forgetting the reasoning behind plans or actions, or intentions and motivations feeling disconnected from the present self. The memory itself may still exist, but access to it can depend on internal state.
Clinical literature on dissociation and depersonalization also notes that dissociative experiences can occur alongside intact reality testing and strong cognitive functioning. Many people show high academic or professional performance, strong verbal or analytical skills, and efficient information processing, while still experiencing gaps in presence or embodiment, uneven continuity of experience, or difficulty staying oriented to everyday activities or environments. This reflects uneven impact across systems, not contradiction or lack of insight.
Seen this way, these patterns can help shift the question from "What's wrong with me?" to "How did my system learn to function under long-term stress?"
#5
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: I’m ruining my husbands li...
Last post by Stussy7 - Today at 03:29:41 AMI don't need marriage advice. I just wanted to know if anyone else suffers with the guilt/shame.
#6
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:06:17 AMHaha, I agree, they try to explain it as opposed to "not dissociated." Which hasn't helped.
I see what you mean about experiencing dissociation as the damage that it's caused, difficulty with sense of self.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am going to keep looking into it. It's difficult to understand one's own phenomenology... by definition what I experience is "normal" to me. It helps to compare it to other people's experience of what dissociation _is_ for them.
I see what you mean about experiencing dissociation as the damage that it's caused, difficulty with sense of self.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am going to keep looking into it. It's difficult to understand one's own phenomenology... by definition what I experience is "normal" to me. It helps to compare it to other people's experience of what dissociation _is_ for them.
#7
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 01:44:13 AMHannah,
"I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here"? Is that what it's like?"
I had a heck of a time grasping the concept of "dissociation" myself because I've been dissociated most of my life. They always try to explain it in terms of comparison to not dissociated, which didn't do me much good.
I'm an extreme case, so I'm the wrong person to ask.
I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here?"
Fundamentally, yes. That's at the core of what dissociation is; living life on autopilot and not being present in the moment. But whether it's what you're dealing with, I have no idea.
Is that what it's like?
Not for me, no. But as I said, I'm an extreme case who's dissociated most of the time. I experience it as the damage that it's caused. Disjointed memories and alienated sense of "self". Sometimes I feel like a spectator following "me" around and documenting "my" life without any active participation. I can't look into my own eyes in a mirror or take a selfie without feeling unsettled.
I spend a lot of time obsessively trying to piece together my muddled memories. *HERE*! *This* little detail in this memory is something I can look up, put a date to, find some context.
That's what it feels like for me, but for most it's not that bad.
Best,
-Slashy
"I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here"? Is that what it's like?"
I had a heck of a time grasping the concept of "dissociation" myself because I've been dissociated most of my life. They always try to explain it in terms of comparison to not dissociated, which didn't do me much good.
I'm an extreme case, so I'm the wrong person to ask.
I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here?"
Fundamentally, yes. That's at the core of what dissociation is; living life on autopilot and not being present in the moment. But whether it's what you're dealing with, I have no idea.
Is that what it's like?
Not for me, no. But as I said, I'm an extreme case who's dissociated most of the time. I experience it as the damage that it's caused. Disjointed memories and alienated sense of "self". Sometimes I feel like a spectator following "me" around and documenting "my" life without any active participation. I can't look into my own eyes in a mirror or take a selfie without feeling unsettled.
I spend a lot of time obsessively trying to piece together my muddled memories. *HERE*! *This* little detail in this memory is something I can look up, put a date to, find some context.
That's what it feels like for me, but for most it's not that bad.
Best,
-Slashy
#8
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 01:17:45 AMThank you for your perspective. It's important to me to understand this and I can read about it but it's much more helpful to hear what other people with CPTSD have experienced themselves.
Maybe it's dissociation. I always feel like "myself," even if I feel like I'm only one part of me without access to the rest of me, or if I feel like I'm in one mode (ie, FightModeHannahOne, or ScaredFlightModeHannahOne). So for me dissociation is not like "I'm someone else" it's like "I'm not here."
In general I remember my life and did not repress it or have amnesia of it. But. While I think I remember my life, I mean, I don't know what I don't know---it also seems I don't remember some events, even recent neutral ones. Kids or partner will mention a time we did X Y Z and I don't remember. Sometimes they can jog my memory but mostly not.
And for much of my life I often don't have a "felt sense" of that experience, even neutral and happy experiences. I remember what happened but don't feel like it was connected to me, don't have the feelings about it.
Yet I have a "photographic" memory and was an excellent student, can read and edit a book very quickly. It's just once I close the book, it's gone. I remember very early moments in my life and many moments vividly....
I don't remember movies I watch, if I've read a certain book, or if I've eaten at a certain restaurant. I don't remember places, I easily become disoriented and derealize while driving and have to use a GPS even to go short distances. In the moment I seem to have trouble tracking sometimes, sometimes I have to ask "what did you just say?" "What was I just doing?" "What did I just say?" Some of that might be midlife aging, general distraction?
Sometimes I don't remember my thinking as to why I did something, why would I think I wanted to take that class? Why did I plan to go to the store, I dont even like that store.
I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here"? Is that what it's like?
Maybe it's dissociation. I always feel like "myself," even if I feel like I'm only one part of me without access to the rest of me, or if I feel like I'm in one mode (ie, FightModeHannahOne, or ScaredFlightModeHannahOne). So for me dissociation is not like "I'm someone else" it's like "I'm not here."
In general I remember my life and did not repress it or have amnesia of it. But. While I think I remember my life, I mean, I don't know what I don't know---it also seems I don't remember some events, even recent neutral ones. Kids or partner will mention a time we did X Y Z and I don't remember. Sometimes they can jog my memory but mostly not.
And for much of my life I often don't have a "felt sense" of that experience, even neutral and happy experiences. I remember what happened but don't feel like it was connected to me, don't have the feelings about it.
Yet I have a "photographic" memory and was an excellent student, can read and edit a book very quickly. It's just once I close the book, it's gone. I remember very early moments in my life and many moments vividly....
I don't remember movies I watch, if I've read a certain book, or if I've eaten at a certain restaurant. I don't remember places, I easily become disoriented and derealize while driving and have to use a GPS even to go short distances. In the moment I seem to have trouble tracking sometimes, sometimes I have to ask "what did you just say?" "What was I just doing?" "What did I just say?" Some of that might be midlife aging, general distraction?
Sometimes I don't remember my thinking as to why I did something, why would I think I wanted to take that class? Why did I plan to go to the store, I dont even like that store.
I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here"? Is that what it's like?
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 01:00:14 AMHannahOne,
Hopefully a little reassurance for both of us. There's a matching lump on the other hand, so both hands must be okay.
In the meantime, I'm intentionally avoiding thinking about that for a little while. Digging around in my past skyrockets my anxiety.
Thanks,
-John
Hopefully a little reassurance for both of us. There's a matching lump on the other hand, so both hands must be okay.
In the meantime, I'm intentionally avoiding thinking about that for a little while. Digging around in my past skyrockets my anxiety.
Thanks,
-John
#10
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 22, 2026, 10:07:43 PM Well...
The two major flavors as I understand them are proximal amnesia and generalized dissociative amnesia.
"Proximal amnesia" is simply the walling off of memories of traumatic events. Periods of time surrounding specific events that you have no recall of whatsoever. Pretty much everyone with cPTSD will have some experience with this. Flashbacks, blank spots in memory, triggers, etc.
A rarer memory problem is "generalized dissociative amnesia". It occurs when you form memories in a dissociated state and they're not fully contextualized or missing narrative. You remember things, but they're kinda jumbled, the dates are wrong, you don't know what else was going on at the time, etc. Things just sorta happened in a blur. You're really bad with names, remembering where you lived when, etc.
Any period where you were living in a dissociated state will be affected by this contextual and narrative "fog".
Since I've lived most of my life in a dissociated state, most of my memories are affected by this.
Infantile amnesia is what happens in almost all children where they lose their earliest memories due to natural brain development.
What we're talking about is how dissociative amnesia at just the right (or wrong) time seems to have an ability to disrupt the process of infantile amnesia. This phenomenon is highly debated in psychology circles.
What you seem to be talking about (assuming I understand you) is dissociation. That, in and of itself, is a survival mechanism. You're detached, an observer, or as you describe it "tunnel vision".
If it's just thoughts on trauma that are distracting you, then it may be just that. But if this is a chronic thing and you can't even recall what you were thinking about or if you were thinking about anything at all, it's possibly dissociation.
HTHs,
-Slashy
The two major flavors as I understand them are proximal amnesia and generalized dissociative amnesia.
"Proximal amnesia" is simply the walling off of memories of traumatic events. Periods of time surrounding specific events that you have no recall of whatsoever. Pretty much everyone with cPTSD will have some experience with this. Flashbacks, blank spots in memory, triggers, etc.
A rarer memory problem is "generalized dissociative amnesia". It occurs when you form memories in a dissociated state and they're not fully contextualized or missing narrative. You remember things, but they're kinda jumbled, the dates are wrong, you don't know what else was going on at the time, etc. Things just sorta happened in a blur. You're really bad with names, remembering where you lived when, etc.
Any period where you were living in a dissociated state will be affected by this contextual and narrative "fog".
Since I've lived most of my life in a dissociated state, most of my memories are affected by this.
Infantile amnesia is what happens in almost all children where they lose their earliest memories due to natural brain development.
What we're talking about is how dissociative amnesia at just the right (or wrong) time seems to have an ability to disrupt the process of infantile amnesia. This phenomenon is highly debated in psychology circles.
What you seem to be talking about (assuming I understand you) is dissociation. That, in and of itself, is a survival mechanism. You're detached, an observer, or as you describe it "tunnel vision".
If it's just thoughts on trauma that are distracting you, then it may be just that. But if this is a chronic thing and you can't even recall what you were thinking about or if you were thinking about anything at all, it's possibly dissociation.
HTHs,
-Slashy