Recent posts
#1
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 07:46:44 PM What happened to me is not normal, even for survivors of extreme childhood trauma. Dissociation is supposed to cause amnesia, not preserve memories that should have disappeared.
From spring '72 onward, I was a baby with a GoPro. I recorded all of it and have access to the footage.
Science has no explanation for this. I'm an anomaly; a "freak".
I contacted a specialist in this matter (Nicholas Turke-Brown at Yale) and offered myself up as a "guinea pig" of sorts. Understanding the mechanism that caused this may lead to a better model of human brain development.
I found this ability supremely useful or even critical in my research of my past, but I personally find it unsettling.
My sister seems to take comfort in it. We don't have a family photo album anymore, so she relies on me to describe events when we were together.
From spring '72 onward, I was a baby with a GoPro. I recorded all of it and have access to the footage.
Science has no explanation for this. I'm an anomaly; a "freak".
I contacted a specialist in this matter (Nicholas Turke-Brown at Yale) and offered myself up as a "guinea pig" of sorts. Understanding the mechanism that caused this may lead to a better model of human brain development.
I found this ability supremely useful or even critical in my research of my past, but I personally find it unsettling.
My sister seems to take comfort in it. We don't have a family photo album anymore, so she relies on me to describe events when we were together.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 07:10:26 PMI caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today, averted my eyes. I forced myself to look at my reflection, directly in my own eyes. All I saw was me.
I chuckled at how silly all of this has been. I'll be alright.
I chuckled at how silly all of this has been. I'll be alright.
#3
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:51:30 PMIt can be difficult for family members to understand but at least your H is leaving you to it which I imagine is a relief. My NM often used the silent treatment which is a form of abuse. Until I knew she was an N and this was a tool in her arsenal it drove me crazy. Glad to hear it doesn't affect you! 
#4
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:47:05 PMAwesome to hear that you participated although I'm sorry to hear you had a bit of a reaction. Studies usually have a contact that you can talk to after you participate in case of reactions. Sometimes it's just good to know there is someone (trained) in case you need them.
Also good to hear about being able to reduce your dose of the neuroleptic!
Also good to hear about being able to reduce your dose of the neuroleptic!
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello (again)
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:11:49 PMHi Winter, welcome back 
The fact that you're here - saying you want connection even while feeling scared - that's already big.
You don't have to rush getting unstuck. You can take this one small, safe interaction at a time. This can simply be a place to practice being a little less alone. 💛
The fact that you're here - saying you want connection even while feeling scared - that's already big.
You don't have to rush getting unstuck. You can take this one small, safe interaction at a time. This can simply be a place to practice being a little less alone. 💛
#6
Physical Abuse / Re: "I'll give you something t...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:06:17 PMSlashy,
I'm so sorry that little boy had to survive that. No child should ever have to disappear just to stay safe.
I wish we could go back and wrap that young version of you in the warmth and protection he deserved all along.
I'm really glad you're not sitting in that room alone anymore. 💛
I'm so sorry that little boy had to survive that. No child should ever have to disappear just to stay safe.
I wish we could go back and wrap that young version of you in the warmth and protection he deserved all along.
I'm really glad you're not sitting in that room alone anymore. 💛
#7
About Complex PTSD / Re: What is Complex PTSD & How...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:00:52 PMThank you, Kizzie.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:46:48 PMSlashy,
Reading your reply genuinely moved me.
The shift you described from timeline to patterns, from dates and locations to causes, effects, and structure, feels powerful. Not because it dismisses the investigative work, but because it reframes what "wholeness" might actually mean.
I'm somewhere in between myself, and I know how hard that place can be, when the old organizing principle stops working but the new one isn't fully settled yet. So whenever I see something shift - in me or in someone else here - it gives me hope. Not in a dramatic way, but in a quiet, steady way. Like there really is light further down the tunnel.
What you wrote: "*THAT* is who I am." - felt so grounded. Less about proving, more about understanding. That's not a small thing.
I'm genuinely glad if anything I shared contributed to that moment. But what you did with it - that's yours.
Reading your reply genuinely moved me.
The shift you described from timeline to patterns, from dates and locations to causes, effects, and structure, feels powerful. Not because it dismisses the investigative work, but because it reframes what "wholeness" might actually mean.
I'm somewhere in between myself, and I know how hard that place can be, when the old organizing principle stops working but the new one isn't fully settled yet. So whenever I see something shift - in me or in someone else here - it gives me hope. Not in a dramatic way, but in a quiet, steady way. Like there really is light further down the tunnel.
What you wrote: "*THAT* is who I am." - felt so grounded. Less about proving, more about understanding. That's not a small thing.
I'm genuinely glad if anything I shared contributed to that moment. But what you did with it - that's yours.
#9
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 03:09:26 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on Today at 11:42:42 AMJust as we are all unique, so our experiences of dissociation are never going to be identical.This is my understanding of dissociation NK — that it exists on a spectrum from day dreaming to DID and everyone experiences that uniquely.
Thanks for sharing
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 01:50:07 PMQuote from: TheBigBlue on February 23, 2026, 08:38:06 AMAt the same time, I've had a couple of moments where something shifted in my journey. One was when I stopped counting individual Big-T events (in addition to the 1000 little cuts). I had reached 28, and it became clear that counting them wasn't actually adding understanding. What mattered more was recognizing that my upbringing left me fundamentally unprotected - and that the accumulation and pattern shaped my adaptations far more than any single event.Big Blue,
I think I'm beginning to understand where you're coming from. I requested those records in search of dates, names, and locations. Not of traumatic events, but mundane ones. I got what I asked for and a whole lot more that I never suspected was lurking.
I thought that forming a concrete timeline would make me "whole", but I was wrong. After this experience, none of that matters any more.
What I really needed to understand is causes, effects, and (most importantly) patterns in thought and behavior. *THAT* is who I am. It is all now laid out before me.
This comment helped me. Thank you so much!
-Slashy