Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 03:46:41 PMHi SanMagic, Thank you 
I did enjoy it.
Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much I did enjoy my digital vacation, it was good for me.
I also hope to get hold of the Mother Hunger book at some point, once I've read the other books I am meaning to read. I appreciate your support. Thank you.
***********
4th March 2026
Glad to be back, and also happy that there is some sunshine around at the moment. I hope it lasts a while.
I did enjoy it. Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much
I did enjoy my digital vacation, it was good for me. I also hope to get hold of the Mother Hunger book at some point, once I've read the other books I am meaning to read. I appreciate your support. Thank you.
***********
4th March 2026
Glad to be back, and also happy that there is some sunshine around at the moment. I hope it lasts a while.
#2
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 03:08:09 PMHey Mia - I went for EMDR with two different therapists. The first one was for CPTSD in general and I found the same thing - where to start, what to focus on... The T also did not do any grounding exercises with me. I came away from 2 sessions with two pretty bad EFs so I quit.
A few years later I went to a different T for EMDR because I had a specific issue I wanted to deal with and it went really well. She did grounding exercises with me and we focused on the issue I was there for (although we did end up branching out a bit to a few tied issues/events and that went well also).
Anyway, all this is to say as you start to find your way around your trauma, you may be able to discern specific instances that you could deal with in EMDR. Each instance of neglect does equal death by a thousand cuts just like the instances of emotional abuse I suffered were. They all ran together at first but as I began to understand my abuse, I saw the behaviours both individually and as a whole that had caused me to develop CPTSD.
Hope this is helpful
A few years later I went to a different T for EMDR because I had a specific issue I wanted to deal with and it went really well. She did grounding exercises with me and we focused on the issue I was there for (although we did end up branching out a bit to a few tied issues/events and that went well also).
Anyway, all this is to say as you start to find your way around your trauma, you may be able to discern specific instances that you could deal with in EMDR. Each instance of neglect does equal death by a thousand cuts just like the instances of emotional abuse I suffered were. They all ran together at first but as I began to understand my abuse, I saw the behaviours both individually and as a whole that had caused me to develop CPTSD.
Hope this is helpful
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 02:34:03 PMHey Seeking Support, I like what Mia had to say about finding support and connection - it's such an important (but difficult) thing for us to try and do; that is, build trust in others despite wanting to run away, isolate ... I think you're in the same place Mia was so I hope this gives you hope to carry on with finding that support and connection here and IRL. I also hope being here gives you some of what you're looking for. 
QuoteI went into my cave and licked my wounds and eventually sought support from people who had been in similar circumstances. I can say that I purged a great deal and once I came out of this "assessment period," my trusting of people (which had never been so great) was difficult; but, I did learn that there are real people in this world that are capable of simply caring about another person without an agenda. It's always amazing to me that total strangers can have a much better understanding of me as a human being than people who have been in my life for 60+ years.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:58:32 AM
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 04:31:44 AMToday was a busy day.
I managed to positively identify the "scene of the crime" of my first ordeal. I may have also found associates of the woman who intervened on our behalf (confirmation pending).
I will soon have reliable dates and locations for nearly everything within this 15 month span, save a motel room I'm resigned to never finding.
Examining all of my memories of "the scene of the crime" caused some anxiety, but not as bad as expected.
I feel like my cPTSD ordeal may be over. I'll check with my T. There are no more secrets. No unknown triggers. My "monster" has a face and it has been slain. I'm free.
I managed to positively identify the "scene of the crime" of my first ordeal. I may have also found associates of the woman who intervened on our behalf (confirmation pending).
I will soon have reliable dates and locations for nearly everything within this 15 month span, save a motel room I'm resigned to never finding.
Examining all of my memories of "the scene of the crime" caused some anxiety, but not as bad as expected.
I feel like my cPTSD ordeal may be over. I'll check with my T. There are no more secrets. No unknown triggers. My "monster" has a face and it has been slain. I'm free.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:59:32 AMWow, PapaCoco!
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 12:35:35 AMSomething's changed in me.
I don't know if it's permanent or temporary
I'm relaxed. I've never been relaxed before. Normally, when relaxation starts to come over me, I get scared because I feel vulnerable. A relaxed person doesn't protect himself. Or so that's my normal operating rhythm. If I relax, people can take advantage of me. So I choose to be filled with anxiety because that way my shields are always up. But somehow, I'm not feeling that way these days.
This feeling of not being hypervigilant all day long has been coming on for the past 7 days. Each day I'm a little more relaxed than the day before. I'm quiet around other people, and I'm not so worried about the usual stuff--big or little. I'm even sleeping without the house alarm set because I'm suddenly enjoying sleeping with the windows open and I can't set the alarm if the windows are open. And I don't care. Who even am I? I feel like I left my body and someone else came in to finish out the ride for me. Like I'm not even myself anymore. And it's okay. I don't care.
For the first time ever, I'm okay with it all. As I enjoy being relaxed all day long for now, I notice that I'm also far more forgetful than I normally am. I talk like my dad in his later years when dementia had overtaken him. I probably don't have dementia yet, but somehow, my memory and my concerns are falling away these days. I'm happy to just be. I need to be sure I don't start forgetting my responsibilities, but these days, I'm not filled with shame when I just lay around the house not doing anything. It's a new feeling. Possibly temporary, but there's hope, right? Hope that maybe this is a new way of life for me...
We'll know more in a month or two when I am able to look back and see whether this relaxing state of mind stayed with me or was just an appetizer to let me know what I'm missing out on most of the time. I feel like I'm definitely shirking my responsibilities, but I'm sort of okay with that now.
Whoever it is I'm becoming, I'm okay with it for now. It might be temporary, or it might be at least partially permanent. Either way, it's a welcome change. Just kicking back and watching the world go round and round.
I don't know if it's permanent or temporary
I'm relaxed. I've never been relaxed before. Normally, when relaxation starts to come over me, I get scared because I feel vulnerable. A relaxed person doesn't protect himself. Or so that's my normal operating rhythm. If I relax, people can take advantage of me. So I choose to be filled with anxiety because that way my shields are always up. But somehow, I'm not feeling that way these days.
This feeling of not being hypervigilant all day long has been coming on for the past 7 days. Each day I'm a little more relaxed than the day before. I'm quiet around other people, and I'm not so worried about the usual stuff--big or little. I'm even sleeping without the house alarm set because I'm suddenly enjoying sleeping with the windows open and I can't set the alarm if the windows are open. And I don't care. Who even am I? I feel like I left my body and someone else came in to finish out the ride for me. Like I'm not even myself anymore. And it's okay. I don't care.
For the first time ever, I'm okay with it all. As I enjoy being relaxed all day long for now, I notice that I'm also far more forgetful than I normally am. I talk like my dad in his later years when dementia had overtaken him. I probably don't have dementia yet, but somehow, my memory and my concerns are falling away these days. I'm happy to just be. I need to be sure I don't start forgetting my responsibilities, but these days, I'm not filled with shame when I just lay around the house not doing anything. It's a new feeling. Possibly temporary, but there's hope, right? Hope that maybe this is a new way of life for me...
We'll know more in a month or two when I am able to look back and see whether this relaxing state of mind stayed with me or was just an appetizer to let me know what I'm missing out on most of the time. I feel like I'm definitely shirking my responsibilities, but I'm sort of okay with that now.
Whoever it is I'm becoming, I'm okay with it for now. It might be temporary, or it might be at least partially permanent. Either way, it's a welcome change. Just kicking back and watching the world go round and round.
#8
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 09:19:00 PMQuote from: MiaBailey on March 03, 2026, 08:51:54 PM... I felt like my childhood was a mess but maybe didn't qualify "enough" because nothing overtly horrific happened, if that makes sense.I initially felt the same way, but others here helped me see something important:
If you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it was that bad.
💛 #9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 09:08:50 PMMia, reading this resonated with me a lot.
That invisible contract - if I'm good enough, helpful enough, perfect enough, then I'll finally deserve love and belonging - is such a powerful trap. It keeps us running on that treadmill for years without ever stopping to ask the question you named so clearly: what are they actually bringing to the table?
What struck me most in your post is how clearly you can see it now. That "assessment period," going into your cave to regroup and look at things honestly - that sounds incredibly hard, but also incredibly brave.
Your post reminded me of something I wrote earlier about how our systems can organize themselves around survival in ways that keep us functioning for decades - often at the cost of ourselves - until one day the illusion finally cracks. The very patterns that kept us stuck for so long were also brilliant survival skills. They helped us navigate environments where love and safety were conditional. For many of us, it took a long time to even see that structure clearly.
I'm really glad you found people who can simply care without an agenda. That discovery can feel almost unbelievable at first.
Thank you for sharing this. 💛
That invisible contract - if I'm good enough, helpful enough, perfect enough, then I'll finally deserve love and belonging - is such a powerful trap. It keeps us running on that treadmill for years without ever stopping to ask the question you named so clearly: what are they actually bringing to the table?
What struck me most in your post is how clearly you can see it now. That "assessment period," going into your cave to regroup and look at things honestly - that sounds incredibly hard, but also incredibly brave.
Your post reminded me of something I wrote earlier about how our systems can organize themselves around survival in ways that keep us functioning for decades - often at the cost of ourselves - until one day the illusion finally cracks. The very patterns that kept us stuck for so long were also brilliant survival skills. They helped us navigate environments where love and safety were conditional. For many of us, it took a long time to even see that structure clearly.
Quote from: TheBigBlue on January 27, 2026, 06:05:17 PM..."structured dissociation/fragmentation" topic ...
I'm really glad you found people who can simply care without an agenda. That discovery can feel almost unbelievable at first.
Thank you for sharing this. 💛
#10
Emotional Abuse / Re: My Family Doesn't Care Abo...
Last post by MiaBailey - March 03, 2026, 08:55:46 PMYes, me too. I've been invisible my entire life, unless they needed something. I finally gave up trying. I finally decided that they're idiots.