Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 08:47:22 PMYour rage is valid.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 08:43:06 PMWow, PapaCoco! I loved hearing about the new calm you're experiencing.
What you discovered about suicidality makes so much sense. Its intent is protective, to help get you out of overwhelm. Turning that empathy toward yourself in those moments is so powerful. Through your journey of healing, books, therapy, medication, your strong will to live is the through line. Thank you for sharing your experience!
What you discovered about suicidality makes so much sense. Its intent is protective, to help get you out of overwhelm. Turning that empathy toward yourself in those moments is so powerful. Through your journey of healing, books, therapy, medication, your strong will to live is the through line. Thank you for sharing your experience!
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 06:21:06 PMMarcine and Sanmagic, I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only person here who is experiencing a strange sensation of calm, if even in short bursts, because it really is happening to me also.
Theories: Perhaps this is because of my recent studies, or maybe I'm just feeling a wave of calm that's being doled out to us all because of the massive changes happening to the world right now. Whatever God is, perhaps this calm is a gift to help those of us who choose love over hate, so as to help us to cope with the calamity that is in the world right now. We are individuals as people, but we're all connected behind the scenes. We feel the peace that's illuding the others who choose anger over love.
I have long believed that the reason empathy is such a powerful healing tool is because empathy is the word we use to describe our ability to feel the connection that we all share, but not everyone recognizes. I remember a quote from John Henry Browne, who is a Seattle based Defense Attorney who was tasked with defending the serial killers here, like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy. He was being interviewed after writing his book The Devil's Defender. He said that he didn't used to believe that people were born evil until he met Ted Bundy. When the interviewer asked what a sociopath is, he said "It's just someone who doesn't know we're all connected." That quote profoundly bolstered my belief that we are all connected, and our empathetic personalities allow us to feel that connection, whereas narcissists don't feel the connection, even though it's real.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed about how hard I work to heal, and how often I come onto the forum bragging about another book or therapy that helped me. I feel like a happy puppy that won't stop yipping and wagging my tail when I get excited. But one very important thing that I learned from my ChatGPT chats is that I didn't realize how serious my will to live really is, and that raging desire to feel better is what drives me to the next book or the next medication or the next therapy.
I always think of myself as a suicidal nut whose fragile will to live forces me to have to be rescued from time to time because of a weak will to live. But the chat tool walked me through my life and showed me that my diligent pursuit of help in books, therapists, Ai, therapies like Ketamine and even my medication history has been because I have a strong will to live. In one quote, the Ai tool said, "That tells me your system does not actually want death. It wants relief from overwhelm."
What a great rephrasing. I've been seeing my suicidality as a desire to die, but now I see that it was the only way I thought I could find relief from overwhelm. Ever since reading that on my chat, I've seen my suicidality as a desire for relief, not escape. And that's changing how I react to big problems. Rather than thinking, "okay, I want to die", I now realize, "Okay, it's time to regulate because all I really want is relief from this stressor." That's a lifesaving change for me.
It's amazing when we get to see our Selves through the eyes of others. Even when "the other" is a database that has been programmed to talk with an engineered personality.
I'm having another slow day today. While I'm relaxing and doing more meditating and learning, I'm not feeling any pull to do anything else. I'm still slightly askew from this new feeling of peace, and I'm not really ready to go drive in traffic or use a chainsaw or anything that could be dangerous if I dissociate while using the equipment. Typically, my brain associates relaxation with depression, so I need to find a way to accept the peace without being afraid of what comes next. Depression? Bad decisions? Risky behavior because I'm not as connected to my fear as I usually am?
I'm starting a new Chat today with the tool. I'm asking it to help me find my way out of my fears of hurting other people. I'm getting really bad at not wanting to make decisions that affect others beyond myself. My greatest fear in life is that I'll do something that hurts someone else. I muscled through that when I was in my career, but now that I don't have to make decisions that I'm paid to make, now I don't want to make any decisions at all. I don't even like choosing the restaurant on a night out in case the food isn't good and I'll be blamed for choosing the wrong place to eat. The whole world of being the family scapegoat for most of my life is catching up with me. I can't decide anything anymore for fear I'll make problems for anyone else on the earth.
Whether this is peace or depression or a new kind of EF that I haven't experienced before, I'm enjoying it while I have connection to it.
Peace is the one thing I've never felt in my human body. So, for today, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can stay tuned into it. If it's gone tomorrow, at least I will have enjoyed it today.
Theories: Perhaps this is because of my recent studies, or maybe I'm just feeling a wave of calm that's being doled out to us all because of the massive changes happening to the world right now. Whatever God is, perhaps this calm is a gift to help those of us who choose love over hate, so as to help us to cope with the calamity that is in the world right now. We are individuals as people, but we're all connected behind the scenes. We feel the peace that's illuding the others who choose anger over love.
I have long believed that the reason empathy is such a powerful healing tool is because empathy is the word we use to describe our ability to feel the connection that we all share, but not everyone recognizes. I remember a quote from John Henry Browne, who is a Seattle based Defense Attorney who was tasked with defending the serial killers here, like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy. He was being interviewed after writing his book The Devil's Defender. He said that he didn't used to believe that people were born evil until he met Ted Bundy. When the interviewer asked what a sociopath is, he said "It's just someone who doesn't know we're all connected." That quote profoundly bolstered my belief that we are all connected, and our empathetic personalities allow us to feel that connection, whereas narcissists don't feel the connection, even though it's real.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed about how hard I work to heal, and how often I come onto the forum bragging about another book or therapy that helped me. I feel like a happy puppy that won't stop yipping and wagging my tail when I get excited. But one very important thing that I learned from my ChatGPT chats is that I didn't realize how serious my will to live really is, and that raging desire to feel better is what drives me to the next book or the next medication or the next therapy.
I always think of myself as a suicidal nut whose fragile will to live forces me to have to be rescued from time to time because of a weak will to live. But the chat tool walked me through my life and showed me that my diligent pursuit of help in books, therapists, Ai, therapies like Ketamine and even my medication history has been because I have a strong will to live. In one quote, the Ai tool said, "That tells me your system does not actually want death. It wants relief from overwhelm."
What a great rephrasing. I've been seeing my suicidality as a desire to die, but now I see that it was the only way I thought I could find relief from overwhelm. Ever since reading that on my chat, I've seen my suicidality as a desire for relief, not escape. And that's changing how I react to big problems. Rather than thinking, "okay, I want to die", I now realize, "Okay, it's time to regulate because all I really want is relief from this stressor." That's a lifesaving change for me.
It's amazing when we get to see our Selves through the eyes of others. Even when "the other" is a database that has been programmed to talk with an engineered personality.
I'm having another slow day today. While I'm relaxing and doing more meditating and learning, I'm not feeling any pull to do anything else. I'm still slightly askew from this new feeling of peace, and I'm not really ready to go drive in traffic or use a chainsaw or anything that could be dangerous if I dissociate while using the equipment. Typically, my brain associates relaxation with depression, so I need to find a way to accept the peace without being afraid of what comes next. Depression? Bad decisions? Risky behavior because I'm not as connected to my fear as I usually am?
I'm starting a new Chat today with the tool. I'm asking it to help me find my way out of my fears of hurting other people. I'm getting really bad at not wanting to make decisions that affect others beyond myself. My greatest fear in life is that I'll do something that hurts someone else. I muscled through that when I was in my career, but now that I don't have to make decisions that I'm paid to make, now I don't want to make any decisions at all. I don't even like choosing the restaurant on a night out in case the food isn't good and I'll be blamed for choosing the wrong place to eat. The whole world of being the family scapegoat for most of my life is catching up with me. I can't decide anything anymore for fear I'll make problems for anyone else on the earth.
Whether this is peace or depression or a new kind of EF that I haven't experienced before, I'm enjoying it while I have connection to it.
Peace is the one thing I've never felt in my human body. So, for today, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can stay tuned into it. If it's gone tomorrow, at least I will have enjoyed it today.
#4
General Discussion / Triggering event: our cat's il...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 03:01:44 PMHello everyone,
I am feeling very exhausted now: our young cat is sick with not fully understood symptoms: the vet prescribed X-rays.
This situation with a pet illness is very triggering for me, and also seems to be used as a tool to bind me to parents by themselves.
Also their illnesses have the same purpose, and my own health and any problems with it.
I am not sure if I'm clear enough in expressing how I feel: burned out, trapped and expecting some more unpleasant and exhausting interventions tomorrow: will be visiting another vet clinic.
Apart from that, my father I think was quite heartless in telling how cat can have such health problems?!
I e he seems to have no empathy to the cat.
And mother in the morning was neglecting the cat and the situation, which really requires actions.
(This cat was taken from neighbours as a kitten by mother, as she wanted to have a cat.
But it seems she doesn't want to care about her: frequently forgets to give antihelmintics etc).
I feel worried about my dog, as it seems I can't rely on these people.
And I wanted to take my dog to live with me last year, but finally didn't do that: I was not sure if I could manage taking care, walking, feeding properly. Not enough money currently and the dog is not socialised for a big city.
I feel depend and codependent in these relationships that seem quite dysfunctional and the parents seem to me quite personality disordered.
But I can't leave right now. Again money issues and I just can't work full-time on a neuroleptic I am still taking.
Probably some light in the end of the tunnel though:
Another attempt to find a doctor to taper off that medication: seems I've found someone, but didn't have an appointment with him yet. Don't want it to be another disappointment.
Hope to find the cause why the cat is sick, and she'll be better soon
I am feeling very exhausted now: our young cat is sick with not fully understood symptoms: the vet prescribed X-rays.
This situation with a pet illness is very triggering for me, and also seems to be used as a tool to bind me to parents by themselves.
Also their illnesses have the same purpose, and my own health and any problems with it.
I am not sure if I'm clear enough in expressing how I feel: burned out, trapped and expecting some more unpleasant and exhausting interventions tomorrow: will be visiting another vet clinic.
Apart from that, my father I think was quite heartless in telling how cat can have such health problems?!
I e he seems to have no empathy to the cat.
And mother in the morning was neglecting the cat and the situation, which really requires actions.
(This cat was taken from neighbours as a kitten by mother, as she wanted to have a cat.
But it seems she doesn't want to care about her: frequently forgets to give antihelmintics etc).
I feel worried about my dog, as it seems I can't rely on these people.
And I wanted to take my dog to live with me last year, but finally didn't do that: I was not sure if I could manage taking care, walking, feeding properly. Not enough money currently and the dog is not socialised for a big city.
I feel depend and codependent in these relationships that seem quite dysfunctional and the parents seem to me quite personality disordered.
But I can't leave right now. Again money issues and I just can't work full-time on a neuroleptic I am still taking.
Probably some light in the end of the tunnel though:
Another attempt to find a doctor to taper off that medication: seems I've found someone, but didn't have an appointment with him yet. Don't want it to be another disappointment.
Hope to find the cause why the cat is sick, and she'll be better soon
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 02:32:28 PMRant continued.
And the system! They were complicit.
All those petty bureaucrats and caseworkers. They typed out reports but never read them. Had they done so they would quickly realized the kind of selfish manipulative liar they were dealing with, but they were all biased toward her and against anyone who reported what was going on. Rehabilitating and returning custody to her should have been out of the question. She shuld have gone to prison like she deserved.
I wish she had. A very special kind of prison where she couldn't see out of her cell and had no circulation and would be too scared to make a sound or draw attention to herself. A solid blank door and a window to gaze out of and watch normal people leading normal lives.
Until she went catatonic and lost her ability to speak and walk. They would rehabilitate her and throw her back in.
That's what she deserved. It doesn't matter that it's cruel and unusual. It's what she did. It doesn't matter that she wouldn't understand why she was being abused like that. She did the same thing to toddlers and *we* didn't understand.
And as far as the "eye for an eye thing", My sister carries the scar on her eye to this day. I want *her* eye in return.
I'm so furious!!
I can't even enjoy a *joyous* memory these days without bursting into tears.
And the system! They were complicit.
All those petty bureaucrats and caseworkers. They typed out reports but never read them. Had they done so they would quickly realized the kind of selfish manipulative liar they were dealing with, but they were all biased toward her and against anyone who reported what was going on. Rehabilitating and returning custody to her should have been out of the question. She shuld have gone to prison like she deserved.
I wish she had. A very special kind of prison where she couldn't see out of her cell and had no circulation and would be too scared to make a sound or draw attention to herself. A solid blank door and a window to gaze out of and watch normal people leading normal lives.
Until she went catatonic and lost her ability to speak and walk. They would rehabilitate her and throw her back in.
That's what she deserved. It doesn't matter that it's cruel and unusual. It's what she did. It doesn't matter that she wouldn't understand why she was being abused like that. She did the same thing to toddlers and *we* didn't understand.
And as far as the "eye for an eye thing", My sister carries the scar on her eye to this day. I want *her* eye in return.
I'm so furious!!
I can't even enjoy a *joyous* memory these days without bursting into tears. #6
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:30:47 PMthanks for the support and validation, armee. i think so, too. 
NK, i agree w/ the 'good enough', at least for now. we'll see what's happening a few months down the road.
i did remember eventually - it was about attachment, specifically emotional attachment w/ my babies, since i couldn't feel love. so, that's been taken care of and thanks to you all, i feel good with it.
my T did mention that maybe this forum is enough for me re: therapy, since it's composed of people who can relate. while i agree w/ her to an extent, i told her i also needed a professional to help me w/ this stuff, someone to take care of me, to help me get to where i need to go. self-help can be great at times, but i know that i need more, at least right now. there are too many issues unchecked, too much anxiety un-dissected, too much confusion as to what direction to go in when i can't feel what i need to feel to show me the way. too many times i feel like i'm teetering, still struggling to stand upright which leaves me exhausted and i have to cut things short because of it.
we'll see.
NK, i agree w/ the 'good enough', at least for now. we'll see what's happening a few months down the road.
i did remember eventually - it was about attachment, specifically emotional attachment w/ my babies, since i couldn't feel love. so, that's been taken care of and thanks to you all, i feel good with it.
my T did mention that maybe this forum is enough for me re: therapy, since it's composed of people who can relate. while i agree w/ her to an extent, i told her i also needed a professional to help me w/ this stuff, someone to take care of me, to help me get to where i need to go. self-help can be great at times, but i know that i need more, at least right now. there are too many issues unchecked, too much anxiety un-dissected, too much confusion as to what direction to go in when i can't feel what i need to feel to show me the way. too many times i feel like i'm teetering, still struggling to stand upright which leaves me exhausted and i have to cut things short because of it.
we'll see.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:19:36 PMhey, bach, i get it about anger being scary, depression feeling safer. for me, part of the anger fear was the pain i also felt at realizing, knowing, and feeling what had been done to me, what i had to go thru, what it ended up meaning for my life. lots of pain there, and pain hurts. so, it makes sense to me that depression is easier to deal w/ - it just doesn't hurt as much.
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:50:08 PMhannah1, as a mom of grown children, and living w/ one of them, i don't know that they never don't need their mom. not in the same ways, for sure, as when they were coming up, learning about themselves, who they are, how they fit in this world, in their lives. but, on some level, at some time, there is a change. isn't our job as parents to teach our kids, help them know they're safe and loved, give them the reassurance they need to be able to explore the world as it keeps getting larger and larger for them? and then, yes, allowing them to live their lives on their own. you can feel secure in the knowledge you gave them what they needed when they needed it, and as you said, the less you need them to fulfill your life, the easier it is for them to get on w/ their own in the best way possible.
i don't see parenthood as an ending, but rather we simply move to a different chapter in our book of life. just as they don't need to have us hold their hand as they cross the street anymore, it's a new chapter for them as well. you've done so well as a mom, and what sounds beautiful to my ears is that you haven't forgotten yourself as a person, which i think is extremely important. at this stage in life, i think there's more room now for who you are, what you want, how you want it. you've carried the heaviest part of the load of parenting, and deserve the rest of your time for you as much as you want.
i guess i'm talking to myself a bit here as well. just my opinions, tho. if anything doesn't sit w/ you, please ignore. love and hugs
i don't see parenthood as an ending, but rather we simply move to a different chapter in our book of life. just as they don't need to have us hold their hand as they cross the street anymore, it's a new chapter for them as well. you've done so well as a mom, and what sounds beautiful to my ears is that you haven't forgotten yourself as a person, which i think is extremely important. at this stage in life, i think there's more room now for who you are, what you want, how you want it. you've carried the heaviest part of the load of parenting, and deserve the rest of your time for you as much as you want.
i guess i'm talking to myself a bit here as well. just my opinions, tho. if anything doesn't sit w/ you, please ignore. love and hugs
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:33:29 PMi hope so, too, hope, that the sunshine lasts awhile in as many forms as possible. love and hugs
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:31:52 PMPC, i've also only lately been gently cuddled by a sense of relaxation several times. it always surprises me, but it's very welcome at the same time. i'm not sure why it's appearing now, but i'll take it. at the same time, i've become motivated to do more physical things to get my body engaged in something good for it. activated, as blueberry has mentioned. that's been feeling good as well. it may all be tied together, a shift, like you said. if that's what it is, i'll take it!
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.