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#1

Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...

Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 06:49:18 AM

 All,
 I feel like maybe I'm way down in the weeds and not talking about this the right way.
 You guys are focused on healing journeys, support, reintegrating, inner children, etc... But I'm not relating to it. I fear that you perhaps aren't quite relating to me either.
 I'm talking about dissociative amnesia, depersonalization, derealization, hypervigilance, and anxiety.
 It's central to my experience of cPTSD, but for some reason nobody ever seems to talk about it. My memories are all jumbled/missing and I feel like I'm not "me". I don't like or trust others in general and I don't want them around me.
 I'm not crazy, am I? You folks have similar experiences? Or is this just a "me" thing?
 Help a brutha out,
-Slashy
 

#2

SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: What is this feeling

Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 04:41:44 AM

blue sky, i can't imagine all the thoughts, fears that might be going thru your mind after seeing that picture.  triggers for you because of your experience w/ that little girl's father, fears that he may do the same to her, confusion about family's concerns, and what to do about your own, to name several that came to mind.  if you have a T, i hope you can get some help there.  if not, maybe writing all your emotions down, what they're connected to, etc., might help give you some clarity.  options you have and the pros and cons for each.  sometimes i've found it helpful to get this kind of thing out of my head and see it in black and white.  don't know if that's helpful for you or not.

at any rate, i think it's an awful situation for you, and whatever you choose to say, think, or do, i hope you know that it is the right thing for you at this present time.  what you decide now might be something different than what you decide later, or what you might've decided yesterday.  another thing that's helped me is to write down my decision in just the words i would like to use, then let it sit w/o doing anything for a day or two and revisit it.  for me, it gives me time to be concrete about if that's what i really want to do, and it also allows me to revisit my initial way of saying it (or leaving it alone) and making revisions that seem pertinent.

you have time, and because it's a sticky family situation, you can take as much time as you need.  another little thing i've used on myself is the regret question:  if i do/don't do whatever, will i regret it later?  anyway, don't know if any of this is helpful, but just some thoughts of what i've done for myself in the past when faced w/ sticky/uncomfortable choices and decisions, like finally going NC w/ my oldest daughter, to name one.  of course, i thoroughly support whatever decision you go with.  only you know what's best for you and the situation.  love and hugs

#3

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:38:35 AM

  for adult NK

#4

Recovery Journals / Roller disco!!

Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 04:31:43 AM

My GF and I got into a deep conversation last night, and the subject of roller skating came up.
 There are a lot of hilarious asides because she's a literal "red headed stepchild" and fellow child abuse survivor with cPTSD who took an opposite but complementary path to my own. We've bonded on an "old married couple" level as a result.
 She's short, awkward, and sometimes unintentionally hilarious in an adorable way.
 She was born in 1977 and cannot roller skate, but wants to learn. Her plan was to skate around in the street with a granny walker and helmet, but she had been sidelined by injuries. I very much want to see that because "funny".
 But I had a better idea: I would take her skating myself. She seemed taken aback. "You can skate"?? 

 Girl! Can I skate? Let me fill you in... 
 I went into the subject of "roller disco" as she would've understood it. Awkward tweeners rolling around a rink, '80s music, pizza, and arcade games. We reminisced about that because I had the same experience, but I went on to explain that "roller disco" had a "before- time" that I had the fortune to be part of as well.
 Back in the late '70s it was a literal adult disco party on skates. Disco ball and lights, disco and funk music, dancing and showing off your moves on roller skates. It was adult themed and not meant for kids, but they'd let us in for the early skate. And I was *good* at it! My older brother, baby sister, and I would put on coordinated dance routines that the adults loved!
 
 "Can I skate"? * yeah I can skate!!
 
 So I planned a date for next week. We will go down to the "Quarter Barrel" for some poutine, arcade video games, and cheesy '80s movies. Then we'll head up to "Super Skate" for some roller disco fun. It's going to be 100% '80s throwback night. And I'm inviting everyone who's old enough to remember.

 Best,
-Slashy

#5

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by Armee - Today at 03:39:05 AM

You just keep going forward, NK, it's truly impressive and inspiring ESPECIALLY being in the middle of FOO madness and elder care. It's really really really impressive.

#6

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by Blueberry - February 20, 2026, 09:32:04 PM

It wasn't until the session with my T later yesterday that I realised quite how huge a thing I did. I asked for help. ... And when my H offered his idea of a fix I rejected it! Nicely, but I rejected it, and asked for what I actually needed. ...

    

Yay for Adult NK!

#7

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by Papa Coco - February 20, 2026, 07:37:05 PM

Hannah,

It is very inspiring to me to see you pushing toward your goals; the hiking trips, the therapy, the healing.

I remember believing, like you did, that I would be "healed" and adjusted by the time I got to this age also, only to be sort of surprised that at retirement age, the CPTSD was still there.

A lot of therapists whose books I read say that Trauma is stuck energy and that it stays stuck until we find a way to address it. It seems like you, like many of us, are finally able to address it.

Again: Your future plans are inspiring for me too. I'm pondering my own future plans now. Where can I put a trip or a challenge in my future...something good to look forward to and prepare for?

Thank you for posting this stuff.

#8

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by NarcKiddo - February 20, 2026, 06:33:47 PM

  to all of you.

It's been a strange few days.

Having vowed I would not help FOO with their nonsense I got sucked in a bit this morning. I don't actually regret that because I think behaving like a decent human being is important. The hospital had failed to contact the stoma equipment suppliers with the new prescription. This was discovered yesterday when F tried to order what was needed and the result was a real risk of running out. Believe me those supplies are not things you want to run out of. I was visiting today so M asked if I would go to the local pharmacies to see if by any chance they had supplies in stock. It was an easy enough task and I had time to do it without mucking up other plans, so OK. I had a feeling the pharmacies would not have stock because these are things generally supplied online by prescription and the particular items needed are not totally run of the mill. I was proved right.

However (isn't there always a 'but' or 'however'?) I had also asked my M if F had contacted the suppliers because they have been helpful in the past. She said he had but they wanted a prescription before sending anything. On my way home from the failed mission I called in at my own doctor's surgery to see if their dispensary by any chance had supplies they could give/sell me. They did not because it all has to be got online. They did tell me, however, that they had many dealings with the particular supplier my F uses. That supplier will always, they told me, send emergency supplies without a prescription. I at once messaged M to relay this information and tell her to get F to phone the suppliers, explain the emergency, and get what he needed.

When I got to FOO's house M was not in as much of a panic as I expected. She had the grace to thank me for my efforts. I asked if F had phoned the supplier. She said he was doing so. When F came down for lunch it became apparent that she had not in fact relayed the message. So I told him direct what he needed to do. And then the hospital rang anyway and said they had it all sorted and the supplier has the prescription and he will receive supplies before he runs out. It became evident this was always likely to happen today. But M could not stand the very slight risk of a delay and had to DO SOMETHING because she cannot sit with an emotion for 5 minutes far less than 5 hours or overnight. I do have sympathy where that is concerned - she never taught me that as a child and was never taught that herself. I know how hard it is to learn. But it's yet another piece of FOO annoyance.

The good news is that I have been totally frozen out of the iPad and am not going to be asked to get involved with teaching F how to use it. The visit today was tolerable. M was trying to amp up the dramatics but I wouldn't go along with that and she subsided. Adult NK was in charge, and was also in charge of the decision to go round the pharmacies this morning. I could have refused. Heck, I could even have lied and said I had but not done it. That's what I was brought up to do in a tiresome situation.

In other news I did a BIG THING.

H had a political rant in the coffee shop on Wednesday. I didn't disagree with the subject matter which relates to reinstatement of some elections our government had wrongly postponed. My problem was it happened because our mini Trump had intervened and our mini Trump is anathema to me. I managed to keep adult NK online and started discussing other aspects of the issue, but H only wanted his rant so I got overruled. That triggered a small EF because of how my M always overruled me and only ever wanted her rant. I got angry with him, told him he had ruined my day and that I hate political rants. I was quite vehement and he was taken aback. I managed to get myself out of the EF quite fast and thought about why I had been triggered.

Next day in the car H mentioned another political thing - this time involving the actual Trump who is also anathema to me. However I was not triggered by the mention. However H immediately said he would stop talking because he knows I hate political rants. Instead of being quiet I told him I had things to say about the incident yesterday and would be happy to tell him more, but not in the car because he already knows that is an impossible place for me to have a discussion. We went on to the coffee shop and I thought he might leave the subject. But after we had our coffee he asked me to explain. And I did! I explained why the details of what happened yesterday were a problem, and a bit about the nature of EFs which I have never discussed with him before. I told him that while I was being a bit over-dramatic to say he had ruined my day, that is only because of the work I have done with my T. It had only ruined about an hour for me but back in the day it would absolutely have ruined my day if not an entire week. He found it hard to understand but was receptive and supportive. Then he suggested that if he never speaks about politics again it will solve the problem. And I told him why that won't help me! I explained I am not asking him to change his behaviour but if he wants to that is up to him. I explained that censoring a whole subject area where we could have rational and interesting discussions if we go about it the right way seems drastic. I explained that it will not stop EFs because I can never tell in advance what will trigger an EF. The actual Trump conversation did not, whereas the mini Trump did. Because it was never about either Trump. I explained that what I really need is to know that I can tell him if things are getting difficult and for him to accommodate me if I ask him to take a step back or hold onto a topic until later. Or whatever. And he was really supportive and kind.

I'm not sure if that brief summery of the conversation even makes sense, but I think you get the gist.

It wasn't until the session with my T later yesterday that I realised quite how huge a thing I did. I asked for help. Oh, boy, how I don't do that. It was way too dangerous for little NK ever to ask for help. And when my H offered his idea of a fix I rejected it! Nicely, but I rejected it, and asked for what I actually needed. Little NK could never in a million years have done that. M would have gone into orbit.

I don't really quite know how to feel about this huge thing. Adult NK is pleased. I have known for a long, long time that I needed to have this sort of conversation with H. I've been waiting for the moment I felt brave enough. I think little NK is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

#9

Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...

Last post by HannahOne - February 20, 2026, 06:26:25 PM

Reading along, Slashy. Thank you for sharing your journey as you seek information about your past both from institutions and newspaper archives, and also from your own memory.

Solidarity.

#10

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by HannahOne - February 20, 2026, 06:24:26 PM

Glad you could get medication and the food!

the hair and makeup is quite new, and in fact, i've even added foundation now -

Hooray for embracing who you feel you are, being allowed to express that, and experimenting with your appearance to feel comfortable in your skin!    You're allowed to be YOU.