Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:56:37 PMThat's rough, Chart. You're doing well with considering the problems and sharing how you feel, though. I hope the physical pain eases up soon, and if it does not ease up that you will be able to find help with the problem.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:54:00 PMThat is a really good list. You identify progress and problems but it's nice to see that along with voicing the frustrations you are kind to yourself and consider how you can overcome the issues going forward.
What a great start to your 2026 journal.
What a great start to your 2026 journal.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - Today at 12:03:10 PMQuote from: Ran on January 11, 2026, 10:24:29 AMI have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, soOuf... Ran, your post hits me right square where I am suffering... now and for two years... and since forever...
Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!
I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.
My core trauma is Attachment... my research has revealed a long family history of father/child abandonment. The men were abandoned, were all subsequently raised by mothers who had in their own trauma emotional or physical abandonment. It's a web of failed relationships from the past, the inability of each to recognize their pain as the parental dysfunction. The scenario seems to be always the same: a woman suffering abandonment who then has a male child, thus demanding their sons to fulfill their emotional needs which in turns causes trauma in the sons... who grow up to abandon their children. Somehow this six-wheel wobble-machine has moved forward through the decades advancing like a drunken sack of aluminum cans.
I am in extreme pain at the moment. It sounds like you are experiencing painful symptoms?
For me, this deep deep core wound that occurred in-utero and I endured directly for the first four years of my life, is what keeps rising up inside me as depression and mental pain. It gets pretty severe. I'm also experiencing physical breakdown, as various parts of my body are ceasing to function without mild to severe pain on a regular basis. I think pain can trigger further pain. The pain I'm experiencing in my body is triggering fear and insecurity in my psyche... because it's now extremely painful to "work" as I've been doing the past ten years. I'm now in a very scary place. This is awakening violently that primal wound of insecurity and absence of safety. It's not the same, but it's enough to trigger my old deep wound.
When these things get triggered, we have to listen to them. Pain in the present is leading us back to the wound that was never healed. It's really really hard, but I have to "go back" and sense what the core situation was and then stumble forward in a manner that allows to come into the light... and resolve... but it's hard... it was sooooo long ago.
Crazy situation, but that's how I understand it. What you are describing sounds quite a bit similar. If not, feel free to ignore what I wrote. It's just what struck me now in this moment.
Sending support
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 11:38:08 AMArg! What is it with these people!? Have "trauma informed" and IFS become subject to inflation? I'm sorry you had such a bad experience San. On the other hand, I'm really impressed by your insights, and the self-advocacy fire you're tapping into! This is powerful. You are powerful. Therapeutic, no? I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you're going to give her a piece of your mind. That's so healthy and therapeutic to do, isn't it? Cheering you on!!! 
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 10:42:45 AMHey San, just to let you know as well that I'm really sorry for how that session went. To my mind, it seems very insensitive that the T went right ahead into what you said you were really scared about. It feels like an important boundary was crossed and I don't think this is the way trauma informed therapy (where your autonomy and agency should be very important) should work.
And you have every right to be angry about that, that's actually a healthy response to boundaries being crossed. So, one way or another, I think it's important to let the T know that.
I also applaud your awareness of what was going on, how your body and legs reacted and how you were able to address that already, that's so important too.
So regardless of how the T did, I think you did very well. And I wish you well in recovering from this session and taking the next step with/towards this T in (your!) due time. Take care.
Sending you lots of warmth, recognition and love
And you have every right to be angry about that, that's actually a healthy response to boundaries being crossed. So, one way or another, I think it's important to let the T know that.
I also applaud your awareness of what was going on, how your body and legs reacted and how you were able to address that already, that's so important too.
So regardless of how the T did, I think you did very well. And I wish you well in recovering from this session and taking the next step with/towards this T in (your!) due time. Take care.
Sending you lots of warmth, recognition and love
#6
Recovery Journals / Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 10:28:24 AM13th January 2026
So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal. I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so. I value all of you, and what you say. Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.
So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy. That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!
* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved. Previous terror feelings no longer there. Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror. Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO. Feelings of guilt. Shame. Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues. Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time. But is this because I am overwhelming myself. Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.
Glad to have started this 2026 journal.
So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal. I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so. I value all of you, and what you say. Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.
So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy. That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!
* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved. Previous terror feelings no longer there. Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror. Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO. Feelings of guilt. Shame. Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues. Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time. But is this because I am overwhelming myself. Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.
Glad to have started this 2026 journal.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 09:20:42 AMSending you support Chart, it sounds really tough for you at the moment, and I hear what you're saying about all the physical pain, the emotional pain, and being in that trough between rogue waves.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - Today at 08:55:25 AMThank you HannaOne, NarcKiddo and San...
I'm really bad. I keep waiting for things to improve, especially my body. It isn't. I'm in pain, all upper body, from the hernia up. My right arm just keeps on throbbing. The osteopathe helped, but now the pain in my wrists has crept back up my right arm... ugh, frickin' hate it. Gotta react, gotta do something, but all I do is lie in bed... conscious dissociation doesn't work too well. I'm thinking a lot about the lies and falsehoods I'm living, with myself and others. I'm trying, but my brain is my worst enemy. I need help, but don't have the energy to reach out. Shame and hopelessness. Zero energy. I fixed a leak on my bike this past Saturday... but had to drink four cups of coffee to get the energy. And was hard as heck. Carried the bike upstairs, but still no space to work. Everything is hard. I'm in the trough between rogue waves.
I'm really bad. I keep waiting for things to improve, especially my body. It isn't. I'm in pain, all upper body, from the hernia up. My right arm just keeps on throbbing. The osteopathe helped, but now the pain in my wrists has crept back up my right arm... ugh, frickin' hate it. Gotta react, gotta do something, but all I do is lie in bed... conscious dissociation doesn't work too well. I'm thinking a lot about the lies and falsehoods I'm living, with myself and others. I'm trying, but my brain is my worst enemy. I need help, but don't have the energy to reach out. Shame and hopelessness. Zero energy. I fixed a leak on my bike this past Saturday... but had to drink four cups of coffee to get the energy. And was hard as heck. Carried the bike upstairs, but still no space to work. Everything is hard. I'm in the trough between rogue waves.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:36:17 AMSan, I'm so sorry you went through this. And at the same time, I'm really glad you noticed what was happening and trusted yourself enough to follow it through, even though it took time to make sense of it. That matters.
Being able to say "something here isn't right for me" and to stay with that instead of dismissing it, that is not small. It's a form of self-trust that's often been taken away, so reclaiming it is significant.
I think your reaction makes complete sense. Given how clearly you shared your fear, limits, and what you could and couldn't tolerate, it's understandable that pushing past that would feel upsetting and violating rather than therapeutic.
Feeling angry in that situation isn't wrong or excessive - it's a sane response to not being listened to. You are not imagining this, and you're not overreacting. I'm really glad you spoke your truth here and connected the dots instead of turning it inward as self-blame. That shift from "what's wrong with me?" to "something important wasn't honored" - is real progress, even though it doesn't feel good in the moment. You're right to take yourself seriously. Your experience deserves respect, and your feelings are valid exactly as they are.
As for what comes next: one thing I have learned is that even trauma-informed therapists can miss the moment. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because they're human, attached to a model, or trying to help before they fully understand who they're helping. Sometimes repair works better when the therapist has a chance to take in feedback outside the intensity of the session, rather than being surprised in the moment. That doesn't make what happened okay, it just means that clear information given ahead of time can make it more likely they're able to slow down and truly pivot. And if they can't hear it or become defensive, that also tells you something important.
I want to be very clear: the following is not me putting words in your mouth. It's simply how I would communicate with my therapist in a situation like this - whether by email beforehand or said slowly in session. Take it only as a possible template, and use or discard anything that doesn't fit.
"Dear T, I wanted to share something important before our next session, because it took me time to understand what happened for me afterward. I realized that when we focused on IFS and the "gray lady," my system became overwhelmed, even though I had tried to communicate beforehand how frightening that territory feels for me right now, especially given my alexithymia and tendency toward dissociation.
After the session, I experienced significant leg weakness, which I've learned over time is how my body expresses anger when I don't yet have access to that feeling directly. Once I understood that this reaction was connected to feeling not fully listened to or paced with, my legs gradually recovered.
I want to be clear that this isn't about rejecting IFS or growth. It's about timing and safety. At this stage, I need therapy to prioritize stabilization, attunement, and going slowly with my nervous system. When things move too quickly or when a boundary I name isn't held, my body reacts strongly.
I'm sharing this because I want to give us the best chance to work well together. It would really help me to focus first on safety, pacing, and co-regulation, and to revisit parts work only when my system feels more resourced."
San, you listened to yourself, you made meaning of what happened, and you're advocating for safety instead of pushing yourself past your limits again. That's growth, even if it's painful.
Sending
Being able to say "something here isn't right for me" and to stay with that instead of dismissing it, that is not small. It's a form of self-trust that's often been taken away, so reclaiming it is significant.
I think your reaction makes complete sense. Given how clearly you shared your fear, limits, and what you could and couldn't tolerate, it's understandable that pushing past that would feel upsetting and violating rather than therapeutic.
Feeling angry in that situation isn't wrong or excessive - it's a sane response to not being listened to. You are not imagining this, and you're not overreacting. I'm really glad you spoke your truth here and connected the dots instead of turning it inward as self-blame. That shift from "what's wrong with me?" to "something important wasn't honored" - is real progress, even though it doesn't feel good in the moment. You're right to take yourself seriously. Your experience deserves respect, and your feelings are valid exactly as they are.
As for what comes next: one thing I have learned is that even trauma-informed therapists can miss the moment. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because they're human, attached to a model, or trying to help before they fully understand who they're helping. Sometimes repair works better when the therapist has a chance to take in feedback outside the intensity of the session, rather than being surprised in the moment. That doesn't make what happened okay, it just means that clear information given ahead of time can make it more likely they're able to slow down and truly pivot. And if they can't hear it or become defensive, that also tells you something important.
I want to be very clear: the following is not me putting words in your mouth. It's simply how I would communicate with my therapist in a situation like this - whether by email beforehand or said slowly in session. Take it only as a possible template, and use or discard anything that doesn't fit.
"Dear T, I wanted to share something important before our next session, because it took me time to understand what happened for me afterward. I realized that when we focused on IFS and the "gray lady," my system became overwhelmed, even though I had tried to communicate beforehand how frightening that territory feels for me right now, especially given my alexithymia and tendency toward dissociation.
After the session, I experienced significant leg weakness, which I've learned over time is how my body expresses anger when I don't yet have access to that feeling directly. Once I understood that this reaction was connected to feeling not fully listened to or paced with, my legs gradually recovered.
I want to be clear that this isn't about rejecting IFS or growth. It's about timing and safety. At this stage, I need therapy to prioritize stabilization, attunement, and going slowly with my nervous system. When things move too quickly or when a boundary I name isn't held, my body reacts strongly.
I'm sharing this because I want to give us the best chance to work well together. It would really help me to focus first on safety, pacing, and co-regulation, and to revisit parts work only when my system feels more resourced."
San, you listened to yourself, you made meaning of what happened, and you're advocating for safety instead of pushing yourself past your limits again. That's growth, even if it's painful.
Sending