Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:23:29 PMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm BlueJayWay 
And well done you for the recovery work you've been doing! I hope being here will help you get further along. 
And well done you for the recovery work you've been doing! I hope being here will help you get further along. #2
SOT - Sense of Threat / Re: Visceral revulsion when ar...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:19:47 PMHey NK, I hear you on the revulsion to your NM in particular. As I was reading your post I remembered a poster who said she would actually feel sick around her NM and that light went off as it often does here. I felt the same but also realized I felt quite guilty, as though I couldn't bear to clearly see her as she was. That was the moment, however, that I felt those feelings rise to the surface. I could see how broken, cruel and manipulative she was and that was hard because she was my M.
It wasn't something I wanted to feel about her but looking back I think feeling sick being near her helped me to be able to step away from her. Prior to that I had been very enmeshed and afraid of pulling back. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps the revulsion means you are seeing her as she is and that is so hard to do when it's your own M. And maybe the revulsion will help you shield yourself so she doesn't poison you and/or your life? It is one of those very difficult things in recovery--feeling those things about our parents that are so hard to acknowledge. We do hunger for our parents love and when we finally realize we've never had that and never will have it, it's profoundly sad and even a bit frightening, or so I found.
As always, just my thoughts of course but I wish you well in figuring this out with your T
It wasn't something I wanted to feel about her but looking back I think feeling sick being near her helped me to be able to step away from her. Prior to that I had been very enmeshed and afraid of pulling back. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps the revulsion means you are seeing her as she is and that is so hard to do when it's your own M. And maybe the revulsion will help you shield yourself so she doesn't poison you and/or your life? It is one of those very difficult things in recovery--feeling those things about our parents that are so hard to acknowledge. We do hunger for our parents love and when we finally realize we've never had that and never will have it, it's profoundly sad and even a bit frightening, or so I found.
As always, just my thoughts of course but I wish you well in figuring this out with your T
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 04:02:20 PMQuote from: sanmagic7 on Today at 03:05:12 PMi think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy.
Ain't that the truth! We just got manure. Which is all very well for plants but for little humans not so much.
#4
SOT - Sense of Threat / Visceral revulsion when around...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:59:41 PMMy feeling of revulsion around family, M in particular, has been coming up a lot in therapy recently. So I thought I'd post here to see if anyone else has similar experience, or thoughts on it.
I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.
My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.
I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me!
We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."
I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.
But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.
I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.
My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.
I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me!
We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."
I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.
But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:42:45 PMI'm glad you found us, and that you have had the courage to make your first post. I know how tough that is, so very well done.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:34:01 PMso, the shift didn't stick around too long - i was a mess yesterday, even had a cigarette, my second in 2 weeks. i'm still so tired, just worn out, even tho i've been getting decent sleep. all that running around, driving here and there took more out of me than i first thought. i'm activating my feet now (thanks, blueberry), so that's at least something, but i don't feel energized enough to do more, except dishes later. can't rely on anything pos. still.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:29:51 PMQuote from: HannahOne on February 25, 2026, 09:06:58 PMInstead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not!
Hannah1, this quote got to me. i live in a part of the country where people are very 'nice', as in, they don't always tell the truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings. not that they have to come out and say 'yuck, i hate that' or anything harsh - there are ways to say something just doesn't work for you, or it's not of your personal taste w/o being brutal or unkind - but too many people i know do actually lie or skirt the truth in a way to leave me confused, and, yes, i now have to question many things told me by these people.
example: i asked my friend if she like quacamole, and she gave me an enthusiastic 'yes', so i made some the way i learned from living in mexico. i gave her a container of it, the next time i talked to her i asked her if she liked it, she said 'it's all gone'. then i said, ok, cool, i'll make more when i get avocados, and she hesitated before whatever it was she said. so, the next time i saw her, i asked about the hesitation, the 'it's all gone' statement, and she told me neither she nor her hub liked it, and it was tossed (gone). he happened to be there at the tie, i said 'i hear you didn't like the guacamole i made' and he froze, stock still, deer in the headlights, looked at his wife, and i said that she'd already told me neither of them had liked it.
then came the time-aged strategy explanation - we didn't want to hurt your feelings. i said, you know, i heard you liked it, and i was going to make more for you (to me guac is a treat!), but you would've let me go thru all that work just to throw it away? i'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie, and just cuz you don't like something i've given you doesn't hurt my feelings.
what came from this is much more wariness around these people, all the questions you asked, cuz on more than one occasion there has been promises made and broken, say one thing one time, the opposite another time, expectations that weren't followed thru on, and i've decided i really can't trust them to be honest with me. so, yes, all those questions you asked, i think they can be pertinent in such situations. w/ such 'nice' people we can rarely be sure they'll follow thru on what they've said, or mean what they say in the first place. it's too bad. but, please, don't make yourself crazy over it. too many people have been taught to lie to 'save face', or not hurt someone's feelings. just tread carefully, i think, and understand what might be going on underneath what someone says. i think that's one way we can protect ourselves.
by the by, this friend has other very good qualities, which is why i'm not going to eliminate her from my life - at least not now - but i remain wary, and take what she says w/ a grain of salt till i see proof. love and hugs
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:09:03 PM
ditto.when i got married in mexico, i told my mexican husband that i was no mexican wife, to not expect me to make mexican dishes (i never wanted to compare my cooking w/ that of my mother-in-law - there's no competition there. mom's meals will always win out!
so, yeah, i hear you. love and hugs
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:05:12 PMdang, SO, it's all about the roots, isn't it! strong, healthy roots give way to strong, healthy plants. you know that, and perhaps others in that group will come to learn it as well.
i think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy. but, here we are, attempting to rectify the situation, giving ourselves as much compost now as we can tolerate in order to keep growing in a stronger, healthier way. natural gardening, according to our own needs. yep. love and hugs
i think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy. but, here we are, attempting to rectify the situation, giving ourselves as much compost now as we can tolerate in order to keep growing in a stronger, healthier way. natural gardening, according to our own needs. yep. love and hugs
#10
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi everyone
Last post by bluejayway - Today at 02:26:42 PMHello,
I'm new here and new to sharing on forums in general. I have been reading some of the posts and am feeling quite emotional. I've known that I have CPTSD cognitively for years now, but I am only coming to terms with it emotionally and somatically in the last year.
Last year was very intense for me after receiving a late diagnosis of Audhd at the age of 32 while I was travelling around India for a year. I am working through the denial and relief, loss and joy diagnosis brings. Recently, I did safeguarding training for a youth mentoring role, and it triggered a trauma response, which has taken me 70 days to reach a firm footing in myself again. I have been having anxious, scary thoughts that originate from transferred shame from childhood abuse and neglect. Also, I think from repressed body memories.
For months, my identity has been clouded. It feels like the fog that surrounded me growing up. The kind that has kept me in transactional friendships, that I took for real and meaningful. I wish to break from these cycles. I'm here to find meaningful connections, to express myself authentically, and to learn to live with CPTSD and feel what reciprocity is like.
Thanks to therapy, art, music, poetry, nature, and animals, I feel stronger.
It has taken a long time to build up the strength to find this place and share something. It means a lot to me to be here.
I'm new here and new to sharing on forums in general. I have been reading some of the posts and am feeling quite emotional. I've known that I have CPTSD cognitively for years now, but I am only coming to terms with it emotionally and somatically in the last year.
Last year was very intense for me after receiving a late diagnosis of Audhd at the age of 32 while I was travelling around India for a year. I am working through the denial and relief, loss and joy diagnosis brings. Recently, I did safeguarding training for a youth mentoring role, and it triggered a trauma response, which has taken me 70 days to reach a firm footing in myself again. I have been having anxious, scary thoughts that originate from transferred shame from childhood abuse and neglect. Also, I think from repressed body memories.
For months, my identity has been clouded. It feels like the fog that surrounded me growing up. The kind that has kept me in transactional friendships, that I took for real and meaningful. I wish to break from these cycles. I'm here to find meaningful connections, to express myself authentically, and to learn to live with CPTSD and feel what reciprocity is like.
Thanks to therapy, art, music, poetry, nature, and animals, I feel stronger.
It has taken a long time to build up the strength to find this place and share something. It means a lot to me to be here.