Recent posts
#1
General Discussion / Triggering event: our cat's il...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 03:01:44 PMHello everyone,
I am feeling very exhausted now: our young cat is sick with not fully understood symptoms: the vet prescribed X-rays.
This situation with a pet illness is very triggering for me, and also seems to be used as a tool to bind me to parents by themselves.
Also their illnesses have the same purpose, and my own health and any problems with it.
I am not sure if I'm clear enough in expressing how I feel: burned out, trapped and expecting some more unpleasant and exhausting interventions tomorrow: will be visiting another vet clinic.
Apart from that, my father I think was quite heartless in telling how cat can have such health problems?!
I e he seems to have no empathy to the cat.
And mother in the morning was neglecting the cat and the situation, which really requires actions.
(This cat was taken from neighbours as a kitten by mother, as she wanted to have a cat.
But it seems she doesn't want to care about her: frequently forgets to give antihelmintics etc).
I feel worried about my dog, as it seems I can't rely on these people.
And I wanted to take my dog to live with me last year, but finally didn't do that: I was not sure if I could manage taking care, walking, feeding properly. Not enough money currently and the dog is not socialised for a big city.
I feel depend and codependent in these relationships that seem quite dysfunctional and the parents seem to me quite personality disordered.
But I can't leave right now. Again money issues and I just can't work full-time on a neuroleptic I am still taking.
Probably some light in the end of the tunnel though:
Another attempt to find a doctor to taper off that medication: seems I've found someone, but didn't have an appointment with him yet. Don't want it to be another disappointment.
Hope to find the cause why the cat is sick, and she'll be better soon
I am feeling very exhausted now: our young cat is sick with not fully understood symptoms: the vet prescribed X-rays.
This situation with a pet illness is very triggering for me, and also seems to be used as a tool to bind me to parents by themselves.
Also their illnesses have the same purpose, and my own health and any problems with it.
I am not sure if I'm clear enough in expressing how I feel: burned out, trapped and expecting some more unpleasant and exhausting interventions tomorrow: will be visiting another vet clinic.
Apart from that, my father I think was quite heartless in telling how cat can have such health problems?!
I e he seems to have no empathy to the cat.
And mother in the morning was neglecting the cat and the situation, which really requires actions.
(This cat was taken from neighbours as a kitten by mother, as she wanted to have a cat.
But it seems she doesn't want to care about her: frequently forgets to give antihelmintics etc).
I feel worried about my dog, as it seems I can't rely on these people.
And I wanted to take my dog to live with me last year, but finally didn't do that: I was not sure if I could manage taking care, walking, feeding properly. Not enough money currently and the dog is not socialised for a big city.
I feel depend and codependent in these relationships that seem quite dysfunctional and the parents seem to me quite personality disordered.
But I can't leave right now. Again money issues and I just can't work full-time on a neuroleptic I am still taking.
Probably some light in the end of the tunnel though:
Another attempt to find a doctor to taper off that medication: seems I've found someone, but didn't have an appointment with him yet. Don't want it to be another disappointment.
Hope to find the cause why the cat is sick, and she'll be better soon
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 02:32:28 PMRant continued.
And the system! They were complicit.
All those petty bureaucrats and caseworkers. They typed out reports but never read them. Had they done so they would quickly realized the kind of selfish manipulative liar they were dealing with, but they were all biased toward her and against anyone who reported what was going on. Rehabilitating and returning custody to her should have been out of the question. She shuld have gone to prison like she deserved.
I wish she had. A very special kind of prison where she couldn't see out of her cell and had no circulation and would be too scared to make a sound or draw attention to herself. A solid blank door and a window to gaze out of and watch normal people leading normal lives.
Until she went catatonic and lost her ability to speak and walk. They would rehabilitate her and throw her back in.
That's what she deserved. It doesn't matter that it's cruel and unusual. It's what she did. It doesn't matter that she wouldn't understand why she was being abused like that. She did the same thing to toddlers and *we* didn't understand.
And as far as the "eye for an eye thing", My sister carries the scar on her eye to this day. I want *her* eye in return.
I'm so furious!!
I can't even enjoy a *joyous* memory these days without bursting into tears.
And the system! They were complicit.
All those petty bureaucrats and caseworkers. They typed out reports but never read them. Had they done so they would quickly realized the kind of selfish manipulative liar they were dealing with, but they were all biased toward her and against anyone who reported what was going on. Rehabilitating and returning custody to her should have been out of the question. She shuld have gone to prison like she deserved.
I wish she had. A very special kind of prison where she couldn't see out of her cell and had no circulation and would be too scared to make a sound or draw attention to herself. A solid blank door and a window to gaze out of and watch normal people leading normal lives.
Until she went catatonic and lost her ability to speak and walk. They would rehabilitate her and throw her back in.
That's what she deserved. It doesn't matter that it's cruel and unusual. It's what she did. It doesn't matter that she wouldn't understand why she was being abused like that. She did the same thing to toddlers and *we* didn't understand.
And as far as the "eye for an eye thing", My sister carries the scar on her eye to this day. I want *her* eye in return.
I'm so furious!!
I can't even enjoy a *joyous* memory these days without bursting into tears. #3
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:30:47 PMthanks for the support and validation, armee. i think so, too. 
NK, i agree w/ the 'good enough', at least for now. we'll see what's happening a few months down the road.
i did remember eventually - it was about attachment, specifically emotional attachment w/ my babies, since i couldn't feel love. so, that's been taken care of and thanks to you all, i feel good with it.
my T did mention that maybe this forum is enough for me re: therapy, since it's composed of people who can relate. while i agree w/ her to an extent, i told her i also needed a professional to help me w/ this stuff, someone to take care of me, to help me get to where i need to go. self-help can be great at times, but i know that i need more, at least right now. there are too many issues unchecked, too much anxiety un-dissected, too much confusion as to what direction to go in when i can't feel what i need to feel to show me the way. too many times i feel like i'm teetering, still struggling to stand upright which leaves me exhausted and i have to cut things short because of it.
we'll see.
NK, i agree w/ the 'good enough', at least for now. we'll see what's happening a few months down the road.
i did remember eventually - it was about attachment, specifically emotional attachment w/ my babies, since i couldn't feel love. so, that's been taken care of and thanks to you all, i feel good with it.
my T did mention that maybe this forum is enough for me re: therapy, since it's composed of people who can relate. while i agree w/ her to an extent, i told her i also needed a professional to help me w/ this stuff, someone to take care of me, to help me get to where i need to go. self-help can be great at times, but i know that i need more, at least right now. there are too many issues unchecked, too much anxiety un-dissected, too much confusion as to what direction to go in when i can't feel what i need to feel to show me the way. too many times i feel like i'm teetering, still struggling to stand upright which leaves me exhausted and i have to cut things short because of it.
we'll see.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:19:36 PMhey, bach, i get it about anger being scary, depression feeling safer. for me, part of the anger fear was the pain i also felt at realizing, knowing, and feeling what had been done to me, what i had to go thru, what it ended up meaning for my life. lots of pain there, and pain hurts. so, it makes sense to me that depression is easier to deal w/ - it just doesn't hurt as much.
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs
my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck. there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing. along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful. so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing. depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.
your own pace, your timing is yours, too. when you're ready. this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all. love and hugs
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:50:08 PMhannah1, as a mom of grown children, and living w/ one of them, i don't know that they never don't need their mom. not in the same ways, for sure, as when they were coming up, learning about themselves, who they are, how they fit in this world, in their lives. but, on some level, at some time, there is a change. isn't our job as parents to teach our kids, help them know they're safe and loved, give them the reassurance they need to be able to explore the world as it keeps getting larger and larger for them? and then, yes, allowing them to live their lives on their own. you can feel secure in the knowledge you gave them what they needed when they needed it, and as you said, the less you need them to fulfill your life, the easier it is for them to get on w/ their own in the best way possible.
i don't see parenthood as an ending, but rather we simply move to a different chapter in our book of life. just as they don't need to have us hold their hand as they cross the street anymore, it's a new chapter for them as well. you've done so well as a mom, and what sounds beautiful to my ears is that you haven't forgotten yourself as a person, which i think is extremely important. at this stage in life, i think there's more room now for who you are, what you want, how you want it. you've carried the heaviest part of the load of parenting, and deserve the rest of your time for you as much as you want.
i guess i'm talking to myself a bit here as well. just my opinions, tho. if anything doesn't sit w/ you, please ignore. love and hugs
i don't see parenthood as an ending, but rather we simply move to a different chapter in our book of life. just as they don't need to have us hold their hand as they cross the street anymore, it's a new chapter for them as well. you've done so well as a mom, and what sounds beautiful to my ears is that you haven't forgotten yourself as a person, which i think is extremely important. at this stage in life, i think there's more room now for who you are, what you want, how you want it. you've carried the heaviest part of the load of parenting, and deserve the rest of your time for you as much as you want.
i guess i'm talking to myself a bit here as well. just my opinions, tho. if anything doesn't sit w/ you, please ignore. love and hugs
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:33:29 PMi hope so, too, hope, that the sunshine lasts awhile in as many forms as possible. love and hugs
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:31:52 PMPC, i've also only lately been gently cuddled by a sense of relaxation several times. it always surprises me, but it's very welcome at the same time. i'm not sure why it's appearing now, but i'll take it. at the same time, i've become motivated to do more physical things to get my body engaged in something good for it. activated, as blueberry has mentioned. that's been feeling good as well. it may all be tied together, a shift, like you said. if that's what it is, i'll take it!
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.
so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this. we've got this! these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had. sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.
#8
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:14:22 PMlike many others here, i, too, have many, many incidents in my background of abuse and neglect that might not qualify as traumatic to some, but, yes, the wise words ' if you have symptoms of c-ptsd, it was bad enough', and i questioned it from time to time. i've gotten better at accepting, but it takes practice sometimes.
as far as 12,000 different troubling events, something i've come to realize is that they often can be huddled under one umbrella or another. for example, how many times were my feelings dismissed (many preverbal, i imagine)? each may have its own situation, but they were generally in the same category. that might take care of a few hundred examples. and so on. EMDR can often deal w/ puddles like that of similar instances w/o having to go thru each one individually.
just a thought. love and hugs
as far as 12,000 different troubling events, something i've come to realize is that they often can be huddled under one umbrella or another. for example, how many times were my feelings dismissed (many preverbal, i imagine)? each may have its own situation, but they were generally in the same category. that might take care of a few hundred examples. and so on. EMDR can often deal w/ puddles like that of similar instances w/o having to go thru each one individually.
just a thought. love and hugs
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 12:48:42 PM Heavy spoiler warning. I'm in an evil mood.
I'm sitting here this morning filled with impotent rage.
My mother died peacefully in her sleep, oblivious not only to what she did to her own children, but unaware of the fact that she ever even had any.
She died alone and unloved and it's not enough for me. I don't want explanations or reconciliation. I want revenge.
People will give me excuses for her behavior or defend her or even attack *me* for being unforgiving, but I'm having none of it. She was a manipulative duplicitious selfish * who literally took her own children hostage. Abused and held us captive for months for the crime of merely existing as helpless toddlers. Children who were tortured and ruined for the crime of being offspring of a woman who didn't want us and was enraged by any reminder of our existence but also didn't want to let anyone else take us away from her. And she got away with it.
I was ruined to the point of needing rehabilitation just to walk and speak again and suffered lifetime cPTSD and a bizarre infallible memory that I can't access at will. A literal silent witness to her crimes.
My baby sister, I can't even rate the damage to her. But my brother... He lived his life filled with the same anger I feel now. He never dissociated. He lived a lifetime of anger and behavioral problems. He passed on the abuse to his children and hung himself in a closet. It was her fault.
It is not enough. If I could I would bring her back to life and force her to suffer eternal torment, unable to escape or deny her guilt for what she had done to us. Locked away all alone in a stuffy room in a tower while I'd be off partying pretending She had never been born.
She deserves far worse than she got and the tragedy is I can't change it. There's no justice.
I'm sitting here this morning filled with impotent rage.
My mother died peacefully in her sleep, oblivious not only to what she did to her own children, but unaware of the fact that she ever even had any.
She died alone and unloved and it's not enough for me. I don't want explanations or reconciliation. I want revenge.
People will give me excuses for her behavior or defend her or even attack *me* for being unforgiving, but I'm having none of it. She was a manipulative duplicitious selfish * who literally took her own children hostage. Abused and held us captive for months for the crime of merely existing as helpless toddlers. Children who were tortured and ruined for the crime of being offspring of a woman who didn't want us and was enraged by any reminder of our existence but also didn't want to let anyone else take us away from her. And she got away with it.
I was ruined to the point of needing rehabilitation just to walk and speak again and suffered lifetime cPTSD and a bizarre infallible memory that I can't access at will. A literal silent witness to her crimes.
My baby sister, I can't even rate the damage to her. But my brother... He lived his life filled with the same anger I feel now. He never dissociated. He lived a lifetime of anger and behavioral problems. He passed on the abuse to his children and hung himself in a closet. It was her fault.
It is not enough. If I could I would bring her back to life and force her to suffer eternal torment, unable to escape or deny her guilt for what she had done to us. Locked away all alone in a stuffy room in a tower while I'd be off partying pretending She had never been born.
She deserves far worse than she got and the tragedy is I can't change it. There's no justice.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:54:11 AM