Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 02:22:33 PMSo sorry San. The pre-verbal/implicit memory part is really challenging. 
#2
General Discussion / Re: (A lot) Truer than "I" tho...
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:56:05 PMHey Desert Flower,
I identify a lot with your experience.
The way you describe it as though it's "not happening to me" is how I feel too.
I have a lot of shame around not being able to work currently. I've realised it's mostly the voices of my mother, her family members - causing that shame. Their shame is that they didn't help me. They didn't save me when I was a vulnerable child being abused. All of them blamed me for being abused and my mother played victim that she couldn't cope with her daughter who "had gone off the rails" and she "didn't understand why" which was a lie to cover up her culpability.
It's okay to take a break. You need a break. We wouldn't expect someone with a noticeable illness to force themselves to work when they were ill or be forced to do so. I'm still full of shame though, feel like a complete failure but actually asking for help is a massive step. It's terrifying and you did it.
It's so difficult when our children are the same ages as we were when we were abused. I actually think it's a beautiful thing that you went out to rescue little you from being abused, and that in doing so you asked for help for her too.
It'll be okay. I wish there was a magical quick process though.
I identify a lot with your experience.
The way you describe it as though it's "not happening to me" is how I feel too.
I have a lot of shame around not being able to work currently. I've realised it's mostly the voices of my mother, her family members - causing that shame. Their shame is that they didn't help me. They didn't save me when I was a vulnerable child being abused. All of them blamed me for being abused and my mother played victim that she couldn't cope with her daughter who "had gone off the rails" and she "didn't understand why" which was a lie to cover up her culpability.
It's okay to take a break. You need a break. We wouldn't expect someone with a noticeable illness to force themselves to work when they were ill or be forced to do so. I'm still full of shame though, feel like a complete failure but actually asking for help is a massive step. It's terrifying and you did it.
It's so difficult when our children are the same ages as we were when we were abused. I actually think it's a beautiful thing that you went out to rescue little you from being abused, and that in doing so you asked for help for her too.
It'll be okay. I wish there was a magical quick process though.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 01:51:16 PMWelcome here samereflection1001! 
I have no experience with DBT, sorry. I don't think it's such a strange modality to suggest, so I'm surprised not much comes up when I do a search here. There must be people here who have experience with it. I hope they chime in. In the upper right corner of the page you can enter search terms. If you enter "dialectical" there, you'll get 30 hits. I hope there's something there that can be of help yo you.
I have no experience with DBT, sorry. I don't think it's such a strange modality to suggest, so I'm surprised not much comes up when I do a search here. There must be people here who have experience with it. I hope they chime in. In the upper right corner of the page you can enter search terms. If you enter "dialectical" there, you'll get 30 hits. I hope there's something there that can be of help yo you.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:47:27 PMthanks for the hug, chart. back atcha!
bad episode last nite about lack of comfort and the pain surrounding that, way back to when i was very young, which lends credence to the idea that chart mentioned, which is that some of this stuff is pre-verbal. if i wasn't able to ask my M a question, get some comfort from her when i was 4 or 5, that idea must have come from somewhere way before that age. ugh, some of this is really feeling ugly.
bad episode last nite about lack of comfort and the pain surrounding that, way back to when i was very young, which lends credence to the idea that chart mentioned, which is that some of this stuff is pre-verbal. if i wasn't able to ask my M a question, get some comfort from her when i was 4 or 5, that idea must have come from somewhere way before that age. ugh, some of this is really feeling ugly.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:42:51 PMvery sorry you're so sick, SO. hope you feel much better soon.
yeah, the energy thing. pretty cool that you can feel such a calming when you listen to such things. for me, it somehow agitates rather than soothes me. so it is. why we're all different, right?
enjoy the garden, and hope your session goes well, too. love and hugs
yeah, the energy thing. pretty cool that you can feel such a calming when you listen to such things. for me, it somehow agitates rather than soothes me. so it is. why we're all different, right?
enjoy the garden, and hope your session goes well, too. love and hugs
#6
Inner Child Work / Re: Learning to write
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:41:28 PMI'm going mad! I did reply 🙄
#7
Inner Child Work / Re: Learning to write
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:40:58 PM
Hey Desert Flower, I'm sorry I'm late replying too. I don't understand mothers who treat us like school pupils. The complete lack of emotional availability is so frightening. I'm sorry sorry you experienced that too. I think because we weren't allowed to cry we're still scared to.
I'm also scared that if I allow myself to cry I won't ever be able to stop.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 01:07:18 PMHey San, this is just wonderful. I'm enjoying that you shared that the Canto "doesn't jive" with you. I believe this vital part of authentic connection can be difficult to practice here at OOTS, due to the sensitivities involved. Not sure if this is difficult for you, but I really appreciate it. Too bad you can't do tai chi and other stuff. Another layer of complexity, sigh. "Ligconcert" means "lying down concert" in Dutch. I imagine this facilitates immersion, even forgetting where you are. The repetitiveness/minimalism is something I'm sensitive to. I think it silences my mind, and perhaps even shifts me into a bit of a non-ordinary state of consciousness. The Canto is definitely heart opening for me. It goes very deep.
So cool road trips are your thing, and you have good memories of them. Certainly something I won't forget any time soon.
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It's been over a week since I got back home. I anticipated a bit of landing time, and then getting active in some way. That didn't happen. I've been stuck inside. It turns out I contracted COVID. I thought the tiredness I felt was due to working so hard, and/or transitioning into ketosis, and/or tapering off benzo's. But when I got a fever, the penny dropped. I'm probably lucky to be in ketosis right now, due to the cytokine storm, and the consequent emotional instability. It got challenging nonetheless. It landed me in a desolate, desperate place. Especially when I pretty much had to stay in bed. It was really bleak. Right into the non-connection and no way out of it of way back when. I'm still partially into it, but it's getting better quite quickly now. It's no longer absolute, which makes all the difference. Being so isolated isn't really helping at all with this. The loneliness is becoming harder to bear. I think it's literally going to kill me if I don't find a way to change that aspect of my daily life.
I've been wanting to go check on the community garden. I'm really curious to see what it looks like. I think it's been six weeks since I've been there. Right now I'm not up to it yet, and I notice a significant social anxiety around going there. Tomorrow I'll see my shrink, which is a 10 km bike ride away. So that'll be enough for the day with this bug. Maybe this weekend... I'm not going to do any work, just gonna check. Later, I'll transplant some berry shrubs that don't like my backyard very much.
So cool road trips are your thing, and you have good memories of them. Certainly something I won't forget any time soon.
********************************
It's been over a week since I got back home. I anticipated a bit of landing time, and then getting active in some way. That didn't happen. I've been stuck inside. It turns out I contracted COVID. I thought the tiredness I felt was due to working so hard, and/or transitioning into ketosis, and/or tapering off benzo's. But when I got a fever, the penny dropped. I'm probably lucky to be in ketosis right now, due to the cytokine storm, and the consequent emotional instability. It got challenging nonetheless. It landed me in a desolate, desperate place. Especially when I pretty much had to stay in bed. It was really bleak. Right into the non-connection and no way out of it of way back when. I'm still partially into it, but it's getting better quite quickly now. It's no longer absolute, which makes all the difference. Being so isolated isn't really helping at all with this. The loneliness is becoming harder to bear. I think it's literally going to kill me if I don't find a way to change that aspect of my daily life.
I've been wanting to go check on the community garden. I'm really curious to see what it looks like. I think it's been six weeks since I've been there. Right now I'm not up to it yet, and I notice a significant social anxiety around going there. Tomorrow I'll see my shrink, which is a 10 km bike ride away. So that'll be enough for the day with this bug. Maybe this weekend... I'm not going to do any work, just gonna check. Later, I'll transplant some berry shrubs that don't like my backyard very much.
#9
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by DD - Today at 09:36:25 AMAs I was processing this quite deeply I had a new thought about this that I want to share. I've been looking at this from the wrong perspective, the thought of if it was bad enough.
If we look at when things go wrong, we can look at the consequences of it. F.ex. it was a bad car accident if people got hurt. It was a bad financial crash if it hurt peoples savings and livelihoods. What if we use this same thought to think about our hurt and trauma? What if we look at the impact of the event or thing and base the determination of "bad enough" on that instead of how we feel about it or how well we can justify it for the benefit of the other?
So here, I can firmly say that it had very bad consequences on me. I have nightmares, I felt very unsafe for months, I had to self-abandon to keep things going. it impacted my kids by proxy but they also heard some of the shouting. They also had less resources from me as I needed them to survive this. So in a way it does not matter how I think about if it was justified based on his previous life or anything. I can just look at the outcome and effects on me and the people around me. And that helps me take that small step back from myself, that I don't yet know how to keep safe well enough, and say that it was bad, because the consequences were bad, because it hit multiple people in bad ways, and it will take time to heal from. The intent of him doesn't really matter here like it does not matter if a drunk driver just had the intention to drive home but he hits someone on the way. I think I will start to determine how bad something is/was based on the consequences of it and not on the intention of the other.
If we look at when things go wrong, we can look at the consequences of it. F.ex. it was a bad car accident if people got hurt. It was a bad financial crash if it hurt peoples savings and livelihoods. What if we use this same thought to think about our hurt and trauma? What if we look at the impact of the event or thing and base the determination of "bad enough" on that instead of how we feel about it or how well we can justify it for the benefit of the other?
So here, I can firmly say that it had very bad consequences on me. I have nightmares, I felt very unsafe for months, I had to self-abandon to keep things going. it impacted my kids by proxy but they also heard some of the shouting. They also had less resources from me as I needed them to survive this. So in a way it does not matter how I think about if it was justified based on his previous life or anything. I can just look at the outcome and effects on me and the people around me. And that helps me take that small step back from myself, that I don't yet know how to keep safe well enough, and say that it was bad, because the consequences were bad, because it hit multiple people in bad ways, and it will take time to heal from. The intent of him doesn't really matter here like it does not matter if a drunk driver just had the intention to drive home but he hits someone on the way. I think I will start to determine how bad something is/was based on the consequences of it and not on the intention of the other.
#10
Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by DD - Today at 09:30:08 AMThank you all and to everyone who finds comfort and strength in it. I firmly believe it was a betrayal so deep and profound I can only process it a bit at a time. Thank you all for witnessing it, and me as a survivor of it.
Dolly: I totally agree with this point. I used to state it as "I've been broken to serve others". Part of it is intentional and relates to religious trauma. I'd like to propose another way to look at this, if it also would help someone else: What if it isn't selfishness at all? What if doing that is an integral part of being a healthy human being? My mind runs from any hint at selfishness as dangerous due to my past. So I am learning to think that it is not that but the fundamental right of human beings to notice their limitations, boundaries, resources, and needs. And to communicate them in a respectful way to others. As well as then limiting the access of anyone who does not agree to them.
Because to ignore my needs and boundaries, isn't it to ignore my humanity and my value? And anyone repeatedly doing this would then inherently be unsafe to be around if they do not stop and repair? What do you all think?
I did some profound trauma releasing this week and am having these kinds of brand new thoughts on the topic.
to everyone who finds comfort and strength in it. I firmly believe it was a betrayal so deep and profound I can only process it a bit at a time. Thank you all for witnessing it, and me as a survivor of it.Quote from: dollyvee on December 16, 2025, 09:26:55 AMFor me, it's so hard to shake the idea that I have to be a nice person. Like it just throws my world off if I do not adhere to this, and healthy selfishness is something I'm working on. But I get how something so normal for others can be so outside my sphere of relating.
Dolly: I totally agree with this point. I used to state it as "I've been broken to serve others". Part of it is intentional and relates to religious trauma. I'd like to propose another way to look at this, if it also would help someone else: What if it isn't selfishness at all? What if doing that is an integral part of being a healthy human being? My mind runs from any hint at selfishness as dangerous due to my past. So I am learning to think that it is not that but the fundamental right of human beings to notice their limitations, boundaries, resources, and needs. And to communicate them in a respectful way to others. As well as then limiting the access of anyone who does not agree to them.
Because to ignore my needs and boundaries, isn't it to ignore my humanity and my value? And anyone repeatedly doing this would then inherently be unsafe to be around if they do not stop and repair? What do you all think?
I did some profound trauma releasing this week and am having these kinds of brand new thoughts on the topic.