Recent posts
#1
Successes, Progress? / Re: Post-Traumatic Joy
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 01:08:58 PMYes it would be 🤣. I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks for that. Cheers!
Here's to silliness Dalloway and Chart 🥂
Here's to silliness Dalloway and Chart 🥂
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 12:09:49 PMI'm sorry NK
I know what that's like. It's like you're invaded, at least to me. I woke up the other morning thinking about how I had The Tibetan Book of the Dead when I was a teenager, and how when I went there my gm expressed what a connection she had to that place, not so much about my trip or interests. It was about her. I have come back to Tibetan Buddhism and it has had a big impact on me. I don't even realize that I say mantras most days as a form of "protection" and understanding, and I feel like perhaps this connection is partly obscured because it was "taken" from me. I'm sorry your m is trying to take something from you that you find important and enjoy.
I know what that's like. It's like you're invaded, at least to me. I woke up the other morning thinking about how I had The Tibetan Book of the Dead when I was a teenager, and how when I went there my gm expressed what a connection she had to that place, not so much about my trip or interests. It was about her. I have come back to Tibetan Buddhism and it has had a big impact on me. I don't even realize that I say mantras most days as a form of "protection" and understanding, and I feel like perhaps this connection is partly obscured because it was "taken" from me. I'm sorry your m is trying to take something from you that you find important and enjoy.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 11:43:59 AMThanks for your support guys!
Anything you are can and will be used against you is a message that's deeply ingrained in my psyche. Individuation equaled rejection when I was sculpted. It was the maternal reality that significantly shaped my sense of self and other. I did become a person, but I learned that it isn't safe to be that one in interaction with others. I developed a survival self, and a self that was hidden. Dismantling my survival self is an ongoing project, as is connecting authentically. It matters a great deal who it is that I connect with in this regard. There used to be no one I felt safe around being me. Even though it could be very subtle too, I was always on guard around others. I was constantly assessing what about me would be welcome and what not, and acting accordingly. Part of it is sane and civil, part of it is self-censorship I could do without. I want to do without. A lot has changed for the better, but I'm tired of being scared to be seen when I set foot in my front yard, and having the blinds down 24/7. My lived experience is that evil eye is still watching me.
This morning I woke up, way too early, with an insight. An insight that seems to land deeper with each cycle of forgetting and re-gaining it. This iteration presented itself as the realization that toxic shame is something I "do" myself. Nobody else. It's an attack on parts of myself that I've learned are dangerous to include. I reject those parts myself before others can. It's me rejecting me as a means to gain a sense of safety in social interactions. I've learned that in order to be safe, I need to not exist. Toxic shame is an existential auto-immune disease.
Once again I saw clearly that toxic shame is an inhibitory emotion that keeps me from existing [see the AEDP Change Triangle]. It's a large part of the prison that I'm in. It was threatening to my mother if I was different and confident, so she blamed and shamed me into this developmental arrest. I derive a sense of safety from making myself small. There are many subtle ways I have undermined my own worth and dignity, and I highly doubt I'm aware of all of it. I noticed that it's scary to let go of that and to embrace who I am underneath that suffocating blanket. All things dangerous and vulnerable. I feel empowered looking through this lens though. There is no one else but me who keeps this toxic shame going. There is no one else who has the power to change that. There is no getting rid of toxic shame. There is sinking into what I already am underneath it. Truly accepting me is being me in interaction also. I started out disowning parts of me to survive. Now I want to disown what never was me to live.
Quote from: HannahOne on January 10, 2026, 05:14:53 PMLearned helplessness is real,Thanks for the reminder HannahOne. That term hadn't been on my radar for a long time. This is indeed what's happening under high stress, when I don't see the options that I do have as an adult.
Anything you are can and will be used against you is a message that's deeply ingrained in my psyche. Individuation equaled rejection when I was sculpted. It was the maternal reality that significantly shaped my sense of self and other. I did become a person, but I learned that it isn't safe to be that one in interaction with others. I developed a survival self, and a self that was hidden. Dismantling my survival self is an ongoing project, as is connecting authentically. It matters a great deal who it is that I connect with in this regard. There used to be no one I felt safe around being me. Even though it could be very subtle too, I was always on guard around others. I was constantly assessing what about me would be welcome and what not, and acting accordingly. Part of it is sane and civil, part of it is self-censorship I could do without. I want to do without. A lot has changed for the better, but I'm tired of being scared to be seen when I set foot in my front yard, and having the blinds down 24/7. My lived experience is that evil eye is still watching me.
This morning I woke up, way too early, with an insight. An insight that seems to land deeper with each cycle of forgetting and re-gaining it. This iteration presented itself as the realization that toxic shame is something I "do" myself. Nobody else. It's an attack on parts of myself that I've learned are dangerous to include. I reject those parts myself before others can. It's me rejecting me as a means to gain a sense of safety in social interactions. I've learned that in order to be safe, I need to not exist. Toxic shame is an existential auto-immune disease.
Once again I saw clearly that toxic shame is an inhibitory emotion that keeps me from existing [see the AEDP Change Triangle]. It's a large part of the prison that I'm in. It was threatening to my mother if I was different and confident, so she blamed and shamed me into this developmental arrest. I derive a sense of safety from making myself small. There are many subtle ways I have undermined my own worth and dignity, and I highly doubt I'm aware of all of it. I noticed that it's scary to let go of that and to embrace who I am underneath that suffocating blanket. All things dangerous and vulnerable. I feel empowered looking through this lens though. There is no one else but me who keeps this toxic shame going. There is no one else who has the power to change that. There is no getting rid of toxic shame. There is sinking into what I already am underneath it. Truly accepting me is being me in interaction also. I started out disowning parts of me to survive. Now I want to disown what never was me to live.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 10:02:47 AMHey PC,
That's great that you've made that progress for yourself
Really, what an achievement.
For me, this is the tricky part. I had the experience where I was "loved" to the point of having no boundaries where FOO did things because they really "loved" me (well, they loved themselves). So, when people come too close like that it mimics the lack of space and self that I had with my gm. I also think, and I'm figuring out how all this scapegoating stuff applies to me, that I do one of the behaviours that scapegoated children do, which is called stuffing. That I don't express emotions etc because that was used against me. So, on the one hand I had to be extra open with my gm for example, but on the other with my m, I had to have this tough exterior (and the main thing is that no one did anything about it). When people are that open with me, I can't help to think what is their underlying motivation for doing so because with FOO it always came with strings attached, which I can understand would be triggering for those who wer cast out, or abandoned by their families. I think it's just a question of what our window of tolerance is.
Sending you support,
dolly
That's great that you've made that progress for yourself
Really, what an achievement.Quote from: Papa Coco on Today at 03:36:11 AMMy need to be emotionally "felt" by others, makes me quick to believe that's what others want also. I like being with people who want to feel cared about, and who want to care about others. So, I find myself wanting to share myself with people while they share themselves with me...emotionally. I assume that other people want to be heard and believed and cared about as much as I do.
For me, this is the tricky part. I had the experience where I was "loved" to the point of having no boundaries where FOO did things because they really "loved" me (well, they loved themselves). So, when people come too close like that it mimics the lack of space and self that I had with my gm. I also think, and I'm figuring out how all this scapegoating stuff applies to me, that I do one of the behaviours that scapegoated children do, which is called stuffing. That I don't express emotions etc because that was used against me. So, on the one hand I had to be extra open with my gm for example, but on the other with my m, I had to have this tough exterior (and the main thing is that no one did anything about it). When people are that open with me, I can't help to think what is their underlying motivation for doing so because with FOO it always came with strings attached, which I can understand would be triggering for those who wer cast out, or abandoned by their families. I think it's just a question of what our window of tolerance is.
Sending you support,
dolly
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 09:54:52 AMHi SanMagic, Thank you 
*******
24th January 2026
Just copying some notes I made about ANGER, so I can tear up the paper copy, but keep the notes in this journal.
Unfortunately I don't know what source I found these notes in.
These are the notes I took:
Emotion as a houseguest - showing up to tell you something. Open the door. Give them a moment to connect with you. Go on with the rest of your day.
***
Anger - It's not a bad feeling, but when we ignore or project it, it can lead to unhelpful reactions.
***
Anger - helps us speak up when we've been hurt.
***
Anger - helps us identify and protect our boundaries.
***
Shadow work (Jung) - meet those hidden parts with curiosity and compassion.
*******
24th January 2026
Just copying some notes I made about ANGER, so I can tear up the paper copy, but keep the notes in this journal.
Unfortunately I don't know what source I found these notes in.
These are the notes I took:
Emotion as a houseguest - showing up to tell you something. Open the door. Give them a moment to connect with you. Go on with the rest of your day.
***
Anger - It's not a bad feeling, but when we ignore or project it, it can lead to unhelpful reactions.
***
Anger - helps us speak up when we've been hurt.
***
Anger - helps us identify and protect our boundaries.
***
Shadow work (Jung) - meet those hidden parts with curiosity and compassion.
#6
General Discussion / Re: Autism or CPTSD?
Last post by Gromit - Today at 08:42:36 AMThis is a fascinating topic.
A couple of years ago I wondered if I had ADHD and did approach the GP for assistance. I found my school reports, scanned them all in, sent all the information. But, the GP thought it was all down to trauma, all I have regarding PTSD is a confirmation from them that I have 'traits of PTSD'. I was assessed, by telephone, by a psych nurse, who said I ticked some boxes for ADHD and some for autism, but not enough to be referred for assessment in either.
Like others here, when trauma has been your experience from the very beginning of your life, how do you separate that from anything else?
Now, however, my daughter is at university and her GP there suggested she be tested for autism and, apparently she is Level 1 autistic. And I wonder, if that is due to being brought up by me? I was quite surprised, she has always been more socially adept than I have. The reason I looked into it for me was that I struggled to get employment, both she and her father told me, 'tell them what they want to hear' and I thought, 'what the * is that?'.
As for me, I just see myself as neuro-divergent, that makes sense, I really wish I had had more support at school instead of people there telling me to be more like everyone else but the awareness was not there in those days.
Is it trauma? Is it innate? I feel it may have been innate, but I really cannot tell. However, I am somewhat glad that I am not typical.
G
A couple of years ago I wondered if I had ADHD and did approach the GP for assistance. I found my school reports, scanned them all in, sent all the information. But, the GP thought it was all down to trauma, all I have regarding PTSD is a confirmation from them that I have 'traits of PTSD'. I was assessed, by telephone, by a psych nurse, who said I ticked some boxes for ADHD and some for autism, but not enough to be referred for assessment in either.
Like others here, when trauma has been your experience from the very beginning of your life, how do you separate that from anything else?
Now, however, my daughter is at university and her GP there suggested she be tested for autism and, apparently she is Level 1 autistic. And I wonder, if that is due to being brought up by me? I was quite surprised, she has always been more socially adept than I have. The reason I looked into it for me was that I struggled to get employment, both she and her father told me, 'tell them what they want to hear' and I thought, 'what the * is that?'.
As for me, I just see myself as neuro-divergent, that makes sense, I really wish I had had more support at school instead of people there telling me to be more like everyone else but the awareness was not there in those days.
Is it trauma? Is it innate? I feel it may have been innate, but I really cannot tell. However, I am somewhat glad that I am not typical.
G
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 03:36:11 AMDolly,
Yup. The past is what made me who I am today, and even though I struggle to be comfortable in my own skin, I do actually kind of love myself now. More than I ever have. Nervous fear is wired into me so I can't always escape it, but I have lost my self-loathing and I recognize that I am the product of absolutely everything that's ever happened to or around me.
In the study of human happiness, I've learned that our nervous systems are a differential engine, that assesses its moods based on their worst times versus their best times. Experts in Human Happiness say that "not only can people with sad pasts feel true happiness, but it seems that ONLY people with sad pasts can feel true happiness." Those who've never had a bad day don't know a good one when it happens right in front of them.
A lot of beautiful people have compassionately helped me throughout my life, and I have, in turn, helped a lot of people throughout my life, due, in part, to us having walked a few thousand miles in the shoes of each other. My need to be emotionally "felt" by others, makes me quick to believe that's what others want also. I like being with people who want to feel cared about, and who want to care about others. So, I find myself wanting to share myself with people while they share themselves with me...emotionally. I assume that other people want to be heard and believed and cared about as much as I do. So, as far as my complicated past goes, what's done is done. It drives me to feeling crazy when EFs come over me, but when I'm back to my non-triggered self, my past is the reason I am who I am, but I'm finally able to love who I am.
I'm sorry people have to suffer, but I'm glad when those of us who've suffered are willing to pick each other up and help dust off the debris.
Just wish I didn't get so panicky so often, but even the EFs are happening less often and lasting for much shorter times in duration.
Yup. The past is what made me who I am today, and even though I struggle to be comfortable in my own skin, I do actually kind of love myself now. More than I ever have. Nervous fear is wired into me so I can't always escape it, but I have lost my self-loathing and I recognize that I am the product of absolutely everything that's ever happened to or around me.
In the study of human happiness, I've learned that our nervous systems are a differential engine, that assesses its moods based on their worst times versus their best times. Experts in Human Happiness say that "not only can people with sad pasts feel true happiness, but it seems that ONLY people with sad pasts can feel true happiness." Those who've never had a bad day don't know a good one when it happens right in front of them.
A lot of beautiful people have compassionately helped me throughout my life, and I have, in turn, helped a lot of people throughout my life, due, in part, to us having walked a few thousand miles in the shoes of each other. My need to be emotionally "felt" by others, makes me quick to believe that's what others want also. I like being with people who want to feel cared about, and who want to care about others. So, I find myself wanting to share myself with people while they share themselves with me...emotionally. I assume that other people want to be heard and believed and cared about as much as I do. So, as far as my complicated past goes, what's done is done. It drives me to feeling crazy when EFs come over me, but when I'm back to my non-triggered self, my past is the reason I am who I am, but I'm finally able to love who I am.
I'm sorry people have to suffer, but I'm glad when those of us who've suffered are willing to pick each other up and help dust off the debris.
Just wish I didn't get so panicky so often, but even the EFs are happening less often and lasting for much shorter times in duration.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 01:15:06 AMDid I make myself sick?
Not on purpose.
Did I not do enough therapy? Did I not do the right therapy? Did I not reveal enough shame, grief, rage? Did I not process it right?
Or was I "too good" of a client? Did I overwork, obsess about the past, and so "not get over it"?
Is it all because of the abuse? my lack of fight? Is it because I froze? Or acquiesced?
Are my feelings poisoning me?
Am I toxic?
I don't want to let go of the fight. Rage. I needed that. I still need it. I don't want to give up flight. I loved running, my twelve miles a day in high school. Even submit, I'll keep it, horrific as it is. In my acquiescence was my one option for power and I don't want to give up one iota of my options. Shame? Kept me safer by keeping me small. Grief? I hate it. And, it shows me that I mattered. It all mattered. It all had material weight.
My feelings are, in a sense, me. Part of the All of me.
Carrying grief might be exhausting. Might be giving me "chronic fatigue." I suppose holding on to rage might be giving me "autoimmune disease." Keeping shame might be making me flabby. Maybe acquiescence gave me cancer.
Maybe it's not my feelings making me sick, maybe it's how I've weaponized them against myself just as my abusers used to do. Maybe it's thinking "my feelings are toxic" "I should be more Zen" "I need to get over this" "I'm not working hard enough to heal" "What's wrong with me that I'm not calm and happy all the time?" Or the internalized abuser, whenever I'm upset, "You make me sick."
Feeling like I'm making myself sick is probably more old programming. Feeling like I'm dangerous, a problem, a poison. Like it's all my fault, everything and anything that happens.
Sometimes people just get sick. Sometimes people just have a feeling.
I want to use this experience to change and grow. But maybe the way to use the experience is not to determine that I can never get upset again. Instead maybe now it's safe to feel my feelings, and in doing so I am reclaiming myself, my power, my safety. If I feel safer, I'll have less stress, which can only be good for my body.
I don't want to get rid of my feelings. Whatever feeling I am having in the moment it's probably what some part of me thinks I need. My nervous system delivers me shame, rage, and grief on a platter as it responds to stimuli to keep me safe. That doesn't make me wrong, it makes me a mammal.
Maybe being with my feelings will help my nervous system. If I'm not fleeing my feelings, fighting them, or submitting to them, maybe my nervous system will learn that they're safe, not dangerous, not toxic. I just don't want to stay in any one state very long. I want to be like Frank, move through those states. He freezes, but only for ten seconds. He flees, but only fifteen hops. He kicks out, but then turns and hops back over, resumes chewing his hay, goes back into a flop. He doesn't stay in the stress, think about it, analyze it, reprimand himself to do "better" next time. He's ok with being a little spooky. If I breeze down the hall and don't announce myself, he's going to jump straight up in the air. Me: "Oh sorry Frank! I didn't see you there!" Him "Oh sorry, HannahOne, I didn't hear you coming!" Me: "I'll be sure to hum or call out when I'm passing by!" But it's cool. He's already back in a flop, back legs flung out behind.
Not on purpose.
Did I not do enough therapy? Did I not do the right therapy? Did I not reveal enough shame, grief, rage? Did I not process it right?
Or was I "too good" of a client? Did I overwork, obsess about the past, and so "not get over it"?
Is it all because of the abuse? my lack of fight? Is it because I froze? Or acquiesced?
Are my feelings poisoning me?
Am I toxic?
I don't want to let go of the fight. Rage. I needed that. I still need it. I don't want to give up flight. I loved running, my twelve miles a day in high school. Even submit, I'll keep it, horrific as it is. In my acquiescence was my one option for power and I don't want to give up one iota of my options. Shame? Kept me safer by keeping me small. Grief? I hate it. And, it shows me that I mattered. It all mattered. It all had material weight.
My feelings are, in a sense, me. Part of the All of me.
Carrying grief might be exhausting. Might be giving me "chronic fatigue." I suppose holding on to rage might be giving me "autoimmune disease." Keeping shame might be making me flabby. Maybe acquiescence gave me cancer.
Maybe it's not my feelings making me sick, maybe it's how I've weaponized them against myself just as my abusers used to do. Maybe it's thinking "my feelings are toxic" "I should be more Zen" "I need to get over this" "I'm not working hard enough to heal" "What's wrong with me that I'm not calm and happy all the time?" Or the internalized abuser, whenever I'm upset, "You make me sick."
Feeling like I'm making myself sick is probably more old programming. Feeling like I'm dangerous, a problem, a poison. Like it's all my fault, everything and anything that happens.
Sometimes people just get sick. Sometimes people just have a feeling.
I want to use this experience to change and grow. But maybe the way to use the experience is not to determine that I can never get upset again. Instead maybe now it's safe to feel my feelings, and in doing so I am reclaiming myself, my power, my safety. If I feel safer, I'll have less stress, which can only be good for my body.
I don't want to get rid of my feelings. Whatever feeling I am having in the moment it's probably what some part of me thinks I need. My nervous system delivers me shame, rage, and grief on a platter as it responds to stimuli to keep me safe. That doesn't make me wrong, it makes me a mammal.
Maybe being with my feelings will help my nervous system. If I'm not fleeing my feelings, fighting them, or submitting to them, maybe my nervous system will learn that they're safe, not dangerous, not toxic. I just don't want to stay in any one state very long. I want to be like Frank, move through those states. He freezes, but only for ten seconds. He flees, but only fifteen hops. He kicks out, but then turns and hops back over, resumes chewing his hay, goes back into a flop. He doesn't stay in the stress, think about it, analyze it, reprimand himself to do "better" next time. He's ok with being a little spooky. If I breeze down the hall and don't announce myself, he's going to jump straight up in the air. Me: "Oh sorry Frank! I didn't see you there!" Him "Oh sorry, HannahOne, I didn't hear you coming!" Me: "I'll be sure to hum or call out when I'm passing by!" But it's cool. He's already back in a flop, back legs flung out behind.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 23, 2026, 11:56:20 PMFeeling sad again because my father keeps leaving me voicemails at the holidays, obviously at the order of my mother who now knows I hate her. I just wanted to check on my partner who was at a protest, who left me a voicemail that they were okay and on their way home. Alas, the blocked calls still go to voicemail. I miss my old voice to text voicemails. His voice is so sick and old.
I try to remember the bad things to avoid the guilt. I still just want loving parents sometimes, though.
I try to remember the bad things to avoid the guilt. I still just want loving parents sometimes, though.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by dollyvee - January 23, 2026, 10:53:35 PMI'm sorry PC, that's a lot, but like you say it's time to not have it as your story any more.