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#1

Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself

Last post by Blueberry - Today at 09:38:54 PM

I agree that with dissociation activation is so much a huge huge key.

Thanks for the validation! I hadn't even thought of that, in so many words. (Thank you for giving me words for what's going on within me.)

I wonder if singing is an activator for you?

If I were to sing, even just a line or two or a snatch of something, that would definitely be a form of activation. So would going to choir practice or even church. Singing is not easy atm, not sort of dropping into my lap sort of thing. Yesterday an exercise from voice lessons suddenly dropped into my mind, so that was something I suppose.

I'm not sure what your question means though. Are you wondering if I were to sing, if that would further activate me? I don't know about that, for the moment it would be putting the bar too high and in a way it would be kind of sneaky and likely to set off an inner child/teen making one of them feel coerced. I don't want to wake up anything like that atm.

#2

Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself

Last post by Blueberry - Today at 09:31:06 PM

But I have started.

Small things can be big. I hope that makes sense. 

It does, yes, thank you!

Somehow I didn't even realise that I put this on Recovery Journals! But that's good because I retain more of the "just for now, just for today, just for 24 hours" sorta thing. In my mind, it was more a thing for Lent rather than my doing an act of kindness to myself every day, which I have done in other years.

Now with trying to activate myself in some way daily, it feels like I'm adding something rather than restricting myself. Restricting myself feels triggering and is just not easy to do for a week never mind the whole of Lent.

#3

Therapy / Re: Body reactions and somatic...

Last post by LaylaDalal - Today at 08:54:00 PM

Hi BB and NK,
Thank you so much for your responses and for the validation. Its good to read that you appreciate the integrative approach as well.
And also interesting to read NKs descriptions of dissociation during a session. It makes me think of how grateful I am by now to be sometimes co-conscious like that, so I can witness what another part is doing or saying. 2 years ago, I would just not remember everything. It reminds me of what change did indeed happen already...
So great that you NK, could let teenage NK take over willingly by sharing her needs. To me it feels like such moments are so incredibly prescious.

I also feel a lot of freeze state in a sense, like you, BB described, despite shaking and fainting. Its like it goes forth and back between flight-freeze-collapse, its such an insane mixture. But in this utter chaos, there are parts coming out (in a sense, cause they cant talk) who know all the truth. Its horrible but validating at the same time...

#4

Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself

Last post by Armee - Today at 08:27:13 PM

 

Welcome to a new journal and a promising new approach! I agree that with dissociation activation is so much a huge huge key. I wonder if singing is an activator for you?

#5

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by Armee - Today at 08:23:29 PM

 

I'll say more when I have the time to express my thoughts clearly. Or as clearly as I am able. But that love is your favorite thing...it says so much dear. 

Take care 

#6

Physical Issues / Re: Constantly t i r e d. Shou...

Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 06:08:30 PM

Whether or not you introduce coffee back into your life would depend in a large part on why you removed it from your life, I would think. From where I sit, not knowing that, my immediate reaction is that it may well be worth a try. But if you have reluctance to do so then it is worth exploring why that might be.

I personally find winter difficult at times. I dislike the long, dark days. But I don't personally find it causes fatigue - maybe if I am feeling low anyway it can reduce my motivation. However, it could be different for you. How have other winters been for you?

I am also used to high levels of physical activity. My levels used to be even higher because I need exercise to help regulate me. I exercise 6 days a week now instead of 7 and with slightly less intensity as I am better able to regulate myself now. Plus I have had some health issues to come back from that are holding me back a little. Personally I find hard exercise to be energising rather than tiring. If I start finding myself fatigued on a regular basis there is something else going on for me. It is worth considering your exercise in case you could be over-training.

I agree with Kizzie's suggestion that it might be worth seeing a doctor if you cannot pinpoint the cause yourself. Even if trauma is the main culprit there might be something else adding to the mix.

I hope you perk up soon.

#7

Other / Re: CPTSD vs. OSDD "Parts"

Last post by LaylaDalal - Today at 05:55:20 PM

So I have been processing this for a while but I am wondering what thoughts the community has.

You may be familiar with Internal Family Systems, which stipulates that everyone has parts (https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-ifs-therapy-internal-family-systems-therapy-5195336). There is also the structural theory of dissociation, which proposes that there are different degrees of dissociation among parts of the personality depending on the timing, nature, and number of traumas and maps different diagnoses onto these levels (https://did-research.org/origin/structural_dissociation/). For example, PTSD is a form of primary structural dissociation (i.e. one apparently normal part and one emotional part), C-PTSD, BPD, and OSDD are forms of secondary structural dissociation (i.e. one apparently normal part and several emotional parts), and DID is tertiary structural dissociation (i.e. multiple apparently normal parts and emotional parts).

Okay, great. Being a multi-faceted human being is normal. If you have trauma, you might have some dissociative barriers between you and your parts. And, at least looking from the outside, the criteria for DID seem rather unambiguous -- you have multiple parts and they front and you have amnesia about it (https://icd.who.int/browse/2024-01/mms/en#1829103493). (I also validate that realizing it from the inside is extremely complicated -- but since I don't have it I can easily see I don't have it). But how do you know if your "parts" are C-PTSD related or if you have OSDD/PDID as well?

The ICD-11 tries to clear this up, and I'm wondering if this resonates with those who have C-PTSD with or without OSDD/PDID. This is from the section on Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder (which is comparable to OSDD in the DSM-V):

"Boundary with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder involves pervasive alterations in identity and sense of agency. In Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, such alterations can occur but are limited to episodes of re-experiencing traumatic events (e.g., during flashbacks). If symptoms consistent with dissociative intrusions occur exclusively during such episodes in the context of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, an additional diagnosis of Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder is not warranted." (https://icd.who.int/browse/2024-01/mms/en#988400777)

So I have "intrusions" but I hear/see/feel them on a daily basis, not just during flashbacks. They have their own thoughts and feelings and ways of seeing the world and themselves. They have begun asking me to "treat us like real people". It's getting very difficult to deny because now when I try they are very quick to remind me that "we're here and we're real". Of course sometimes I still deny it. At first I didn't think there was switching but now I'm becoming aware of subtle shifts in how I speak and hold my body and sometimes when I see a trigger coming it's like "the space inside my head changes" and then I have a completely different attitude about it.

I have a friend with DID who has given me information and support as I explore this part of my experience. It's been extremely helpful, but I still have trouble rationalizing that I could have gone through something significant enough to warrant the C-PTSD/OSDD symptoms I seem to be experiencing. Even now, whichever version of me I am is more connected to the feelings and thus, believes that the feelings are real and is willing to speculate that something might have happened that I/we don't remember. But then, later, I will be very not connected to the feelings and then it's all, well, I have no good reasons to feel this way and if I just tried harder I would be okay...

I've been exploring this for over a year and so at this point I can more readily say this is an enduring phenomenon and not just "mood swings".

I'm wondering if this resonates with anyone else's experience, and, if so, where you fall in this continuum of dissociation. What do "parts" look like for you? Are they self-aware? Do they want to be seen? Can you converse with them? What do they do? Do they feel like "real people"?

I haven't seen a thread about this anywhere else so I thought I would start one -- but if it already exists please refer me 


Abbreviation key:
BPD = Borderline personality disorder
DID = Dissociative identity disorder
DSM-V = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th revision
ICD-11 = International classification of diseases 11th revision
OSDD = Other specified dissociative disorder
PDID = Partial dissociative identity disorder

Hey,
I'm aware that this is an old post but I can just relate to it very much and maybe there is some value in me answering after all this time even.
I am currently in a deep process of figuring out if I need to go for an official diagnosis of PDID/OSDD or if its better to stay with my general feeling of multiplicity and I can therefore relate to all the different answers here from (at least) two sides.
I personally believe that humans are always multiple and that the gift of complex trauma enables those who had to suffer this horror to be more aware of their own multiplicity (like shamans). There are so many teachings in the world that help me deeply to understand my multiplicity and the diagnosis of DID as a disorder often feels invalidating of peoples inner geniouses. At the same time, its incredibly helpful to learn from and connect with others diagnosed with DID/OSDD (just as with CPTSD) and feel validated and inspired by their worldview.
Also because it shows the immense struggles that come with it.
I relate to those struggles. I have parts who are very distinct, who use names and I have amnesia with them. They do things that I consider dangerous. I also experience coconsciousness in the forms of watching them doing things, that I cant stop. I also experience coconsciousness, more and more so, in the form of being able to have conversations with them in my head, which is an incredibly helpful, new development. Young parts only "talk" in therapy or through drawing, some of them named themselves by now and I feel so grateful. Generally, drawing and dance (and writing to an extent) help me to develop co-consciousness, dramatically.
I feel extreme exaustion from trying to appear normal and functioning in the world (and I can to an extent) but I do it because I feel so afraid of amnesia and what can happen during those times. I got lost before but the worst fear is that I will end up being in dangerous sexual situations again like it happened so many times before.
So, the intense pressure of trying to mask multiplicity, that many people with DID describe, feels very familiar to me.
I'd be interested to hear other peoples experiences. I am determinded to believe, that our multiplicity is a deep gift, we share, despite the extreme difficulties it can bring.

#8

Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself

Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 05:39:39 PM

But I have started.

Small things can be big. I hope that makes sense. 

#9

Physical Issues / Re: Constantly t i r e d. Shou...

Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:05:50 PM

Just my thoughts Pelican but it might be an idea to see your GP as there could be something physical going on, especially given you have a regular fitness routine. You may need some lab work to see what if anything is going on.

I will say that the stress of CPTSD often does have the effect of draining us of energy so you may want to bring this up with them although they may not know about complex trauma. If such is the case there is a download here you could give to them. Sadly, sometimes we have to educate our healthcare professionals about trauma as it is not taught regularly in university medicine programs just yet.

#10

Sexual Abuse / Re: how to bring up SA and sex...

Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:56:58 PM

Hey Layla, yes Wobbly has not been back on the forum since they posted unfortunately. I did want to say, however, to you and other members that oftentimes when someone posts to an old thread it sparks some good discussion around the topic. Plus, it helps you as the new poster to think through an issue yourself sometimes.

So I say even if a thread is old go ahead and post