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#1

Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...

Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 06:33:47 PM

  to all of you.

It's been a strange few days.

Having vowed I would not help FOO with their nonsense I got sucked in a bit this morning. I don't actually regret that because I think behaving like a decent human being is important. The hospital had failed to contact the stoma equipment suppliers with the new prescription. This was discovered yesterday when F tried to order what was needed and the result was a real risk of running out. Believe me those supplies are not things you want to run out of. I was visiting today so M asked if I would go to the local pharmacies to see if by any chance they had supplies in stock. It was an easy enough task and I had time to do it without mucking up other plans, so OK. I had a feeling the pharmacies would not have stock because these are things generally supplied online by prescription and the particular items needed are not totally run of the mill. I was proved right.

However (isn't there always a 'but' or 'however'?) I had also asked my M if F had contacted the suppliers because they have been helpful in the past. She said he had but they wanted a prescription before sending anything. On my way home from the failed mission I called in at my own doctor's surgery to see if their dispensary by any chance had supplies they could give/sell me. They did not because it all has to be got online. They did tell me, however, that they had many dealings with the particular supplier my F uses. That supplier will always, they told me, send emergency supplies without a prescription. I at once messaged M to relay this information and tell her to get F to phone the suppliers, explain the emergency, and get what he needed.

When I got to FOO's house M was not in as much of a panic as I expected. She had the grace to thank me for my efforts. I asked if F had phoned the supplier. She said he was doing so. When F came down for lunch it became apparent that she had not in fact relayed the message. So I told him direct what he needed to do. And then the hospital rang anyway and said they had it all sorted and the supplier has the prescription and he will receive supplies before he runs out. It became evident this was always likely to happen today. But M could not stand the very slight risk of a delay and had to DO SOMETHING because she cannot sit with an emotion for 5 minutes far less than 5 hours or overnight. I do have sympathy where that is concerned - she never taught me that as a child and was never taught that herself. I know how hard it is to learn. But it's yet another piece of FOO annoyance.

The good news is that I have been totally frozen out of the iPad and am not going to be asked to get involved with teaching F how to use it. The visit today was tolerable. M was trying to amp up the dramatics but I wouldn't go along with that and she subsided. Adult NK was in charge, and was also in charge of the decision to go round the pharmacies this morning. I could have refused. Heck, I could even have lied and said I had but not done it. That's what I was brought up to do in a tiresome situation.

In other news I did a BIG THING.

H had a political rant in the coffee shop on Wednesday. I didn't disagree with the subject matter which relates to reinstatement of some elections our government had wrongly postponed. My problem was it happened because our mini Trump had intervened and our mini Trump is anathema to me. I managed to keep adult NK online and started discussing other aspects of the issue, but H only wanted his rant so I got overruled. That triggered a small EF because of how my M always overruled me and only ever wanted her rant. I got angry with him, told him he had ruined my day and that I hate political rants. I was quite vehement and he was taken aback. I managed to get myself out of the EF quite fast and thought about why I had been triggered.

Next day in the car H mentioned another political thing - this time involving the actual Trump who is also anathema to me. However I was not triggered by the mention. However H immediately said he would stop talking because he knows I hate political rants. Instead of being quiet I told him I had things to say about the incident yesterday and would be happy to tell him more, but not in the car because he already knows that is an impossible place for me to have a discussion. We went on to the coffee shop and I thought he might leave the subject. But after we had our coffee he asked me to explain. And I did! I explained why the details of what happened yesterday were a problem, and a bit about the nature of EFs which I have never discussed with him before. I told him that while I was being a bit over-dramatic to say he had ruined my day, that is only because of the work I have done with my T. It had only ruined about an hour for me but back in the day it would absolutely have ruined my day if not an entire week. He found it hard to understand but was receptive and supportive. Then he suggested that if he never speaks about politics again it will solve the problem. And I told him why that won't help me! I explained I am not asking him to change his behaviour but if he wants to that is up to him. I explained that censoring a whole subject area where we could have rational and interesting discussions if we go about it the right way seems drastic. I explained that it will not stop EFs because I can never tell in advance what will trigger an EF. The actual Trump conversation did not, whereas the mini Trump did. Because it was never about either Trump. I explained that what I really need is to know that I can tell him if things are getting difficult and for him to accommodate me if I ask him to take a step back or hold onto a topic until later. Or whatever. And he was really supportive and kind.

I'm not sure if that brief summery of the conversation even makes sense, but I think you get the gist.

It wasn't until the session with my T later yesterday that I realised quite how huge a thing I did. I asked for help. Oh, boy, how I don't do that. It was way too dangerous for little NK ever to ask for help. And when my H offered his idea of a fix I rejected it! Nicely, but I rejected it, and asked for what I actually needed. Little NK could never in a million years have done that. M would have gone into orbit.

I don't really quite know how to feel about this huge thing. Adult NK is pleased. I have known for a long, long time that I needed to have this sort of conversation with H. I've been waiting for the moment I felt brave enough. I think little NK is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

#2

Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...

Last post by HannahOne - Today at 06:26:25 PM

Reading along, Slashy. Thank you for sharing your journey as you seek information about your past both from institutions and newspaper archives, and also from your own memory.

Solidarity.

#3

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by HannahOne - Today at 06:24:26 PM

Glad you could get medication and the food!

the hair and makeup is quite new, and in fact, i've even added foundation now -

Hooray for embracing who you feel you are, being allowed to express that, and experimenting with your appearance to feel comfortable in your skin!    You're allowed to be YOU.

#4

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by HannahOne - Today at 06:22:17 PM

Thank you SanMagic7! I was thinking about that, how the forum inspires us, reading others' journeys, including the struggles. It's something maybe we didn't get enough of as kids, mirroring, or twinning, or shared experience, shared knowing. Something to put us into context, a healthy context not the context of a dysfunctional unit.   

#5

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by HannahOne - Today at 06:20:40 PM

NarcKiddo, squeaky bum time lol!    In the US it can move a lot quicker if you have good insurance and I'm lucky to have it and live in a metro area which I do. Not as easy for everyone for sure. I'm lucky.

I am hopeful about the PT! It really helps to have someone's guidance and accountability, and as you described, they "know what you are capable of"... I get anxious about reinjuring myself as I have weak collagen, and it really helps to have someone saying I can do it---or, to back off for now. Someone to pick you up if you fall enables you to take more risks. Something we didn't have as kids, the feeling that someone has your back. So we really need that feeling now. That's amazing that he came to your house!

#6

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 05:50:28 PM

 

#7

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 05:47:50 PM

Wow. Every day for the next month...Seven medical appointments arranged in one day. I take my hat off to you. I know there is little choice but this is really impressive. I totally get why opening the patient portal is a bit - 'squeaky bum time' as we say in the UK. I'm glad you have an old friend you can talk things through with.

Your goals sound great. Varied and well-rounded. I can say from personal experience that a PT is worth his weight in gold immediately post surgery. Mine was really helpful to me after gallbladder removal and tailored my exercises perfectly. It helped massively that he already knew me - because he knew what I was capable of, which includes overdoing things massively in a bid to recover fast. Sometimes he would show up just to stop me doing things. And after pneumonia when I could barely walk, but needed to, he would come to take me for a walk. Yeah, like a dog. But I felt confident walking with him because I knew he could pick me up if I fell. I never did fall but I walked more than I would have on my own.

#8

Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself

Last post by Blueberry - Today at 04:41:51 PM

fyi, reading this activated me to do my door stretch

    

This kind of knock-on effect, I remember they called it something like 'contagious healthy steps' back in my first couple of inpatient stays instead of the usual contagious illness etc.

somatic release, isn't this? 

Yes, I think so.     So important.

#9

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:02:45 PM

thanks, NK.  the smile is mostly still there.  actually, 'the girls' thing got cancelled, which enabled me to get medicine for my D and go to the food bank, which i'm glad of cuz we needed it, but it is a hassle nonetheless, and would've been too much next to the drive to my galpal's place.  i have a Rx waiting, but that'll wait till tomorrow.  'the girls' are now scheduled for next tues. and i think that timing will be better all the way around.  so, things work out sometimes, right? 

thank you blueberry, for your support - always appreciated.  the hair and makeup is quite new, and in fact, i've even added foundation now - it seems that as we get older our complexions change!!!  i've kind of been noticing but ignoring the blotchiness on my face, but now i'm smoothing it out a bit more, and that feels good.  i couldn't wait to wear makeup when i was in high school, but wasn't allowed (part of not letting me be a girl, which i wanted to be, which i was but not allowed to express very much).  so, the hair and makeup is me reclaiming my girl-ness.  never too late, right?

PC, thank you so for the support.  my D IS a real sweetheart, and because of that i've been able to learn to lean on someone, finally, which feels really nice.

i've been so activated by what i've read this morning that i did my door stretch, moved my feet back and forth, and lifted weights.  i can feel the movement my muscles have gone thru and it feels really good. 

and suddenly there's a feeling inside, in my gut area, like something wants to be vomited out.  where did that come from?

#10

Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me

Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:39:32 PM

i like your cheer and encouragement at the end, hannah1     absolutely!  sounds like you've made a lot of progress, even if at times it doesn't seem that way to you.

keep going, my friend.  i'm being inspired all over the place from people here.  love and hugs