Recent posts
#1
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 11:28:17 PMQuote from: TheBigBlue on Today at 06:23:31 PMThat's where this framing feels a bit too simplified to me. It focuses largely on deprivation (what was missing), which may not fully capture developmental/relational injuries, e.g. those that are rooted in emotional overuse or responsibility for a parent. Those conditions shape the nervous system differently, and "going back to feel what I didn't get" can sometimes feel less clarifying than invasive.
That hits the mark with me. I can go back and ponder an astonishing long way, but doing so is highly upsetting. It skyrockets my anxiety because my subconscious doesn't like me poking around too much.
I've done a lot of historical reconstruction over the past year, and while that was crucial at certain points, I also reached a stage where adding more memory detail stopped changing meaning.
Preach it!!
I'm not quite at the point yet where adding details to the timeline has stopped changing meaning. I just have to learn when to take a break so I don't get overwhelmed.
Best,
-Slashy
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 11:11:18 PM It's all fine folks. No worries. 
I dug up some dirt sleuthing around and it's shocking and a bit distressing.
My mother was a bigamist from 1964 through 1974. She married her first husband in Maryland in 1959 and moved to Pittsburgh. She married my father in Pittsburgh in 1964. She maintained married legal names and residence in both households simultaneously through 1974.
So when she left us with the babysitter and disappeared, she had abandoned us. Her first husband didn't know about us. We were her dirty little secret.
She didn't begin seeking us out until after her first husband figured out what was going on and kicked her out.
She ditched us with the abusive babysitter and we ended up in foster care! And she was fine leaving us there until he kicked her out.
I feel some kinda way about that...
I dug up some dirt sleuthing around and it's shocking and a bit distressing.
My mother was a bigamist from 1964 through 1974. She married her first husband in Maryland in 1959 and moved to Pittsburgh. She married my father in Pittsburgh in 1964. She maintained married legal names and residence in both households simultaneously through 1974.
So when she left us with the babysitter and disappeared, she had abandoned us. Her first husband didn't know about us. We were her dirty little secret.
She didn't begin seeking us out until after her first husband figured out what was going on and kicked her out.
She ditched us with the abusive babysitter and we ended up in foster care! And she was fine leaving us there until he kicked her out.
I feel some kinda way about that...
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 09:56:23 PMHi, welcome Seeking to Survive 
I'm really glad you found your way here. What you describe - i.e. leaving a toxic situation and realizing you can't heal in isolation anymore - makes a lot of sense, and you're not alone in that.
Reaching out after being cut off or "trained" not to ask for help can be incredibly hard. I hope this community can be one place where you feel less alone while you build the support you deserve, at your own pace. Sending you support.
I'm really glad you found your way here. What you describe - i.e. leaving a toxic situation and realizing you can't heal in isolation anymore - makes a lot of sense, and you're not alone in that.
Reaching out after being cut off or "trained" not to ask for help can be incredibly hard. I hope this community can be one place where you feel less alone while you build the support you deserve, at your own pace. Sending you support.
#4
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 09:23:55 PMHi TBB,
I get what you're saying and glad you found something that works for you. I think the paragraph is a simplified version as well perhaps. However, I also think that people can function fully from the intellect where the underlying trauma is never dealt with precisely because it is never felt. Ingrid Clayton makes a good case for this in Fawning where she says that she managed to get a PHD in psychology, but never touched on her own trauma until she started doing somatic work.
What I do think she gets right is that one needs help and the brain isn't going to let go without being safe and supported. To me, that is the tricky part where the unearthing and layers come in, at least for me because it takes a lot of work to understand what I really need. I spent years at the therapist before I tried IFS, which actually felt like it was the first thing to bring me in direct contact with my emotions. I have basically been living my entire life in my head and it's very easy to continue to do that, but I don't think it's healing. Of course, just diving in and feeling things can be retraumatizing, which is why I think the safe and supported part is paramount.
dolly
I get what you're saying and glad you found something that works for you. I think the paragraph is a simplified version as well perhaps. However, I also think that people can function fully from the intellect where the underlying trauma is never dealt with precisely because it is never felt. Ingrid Clayton makes a good case for this in Fawning where she says that she managed to get a PHD in psychology, but never touched on her own trauma until she started doing somatic work.
What I do think she gets right is that one needs help and the brain isn't going to let go without being safe and supported. To me, that is the tricky part where the unearthing and layers come in, at least for me because it takes a lot of work to understand what I really need. I spent years at the therapist before I tried IFS, which actually felt like it was the first thing to bring me in direct contact with my emotions. I have basically been living my entire life in my head and it's very easy to continue to do that, but I don't think it's healing. Of course, just diving in and feeling things can be retraumatizing, which is why I think the safe and supported part is paramount.
dolly
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Seeking Support after Extreme ...
Last post by Seeking to survive - Today at 07:24:52 PMHi!
I'm looking to develop a support system after being in isolation in a toxic relationship with my son's father. I left over 8 months ago and am living with my parents; however, I do not have support. I'm hoping this community, as well as, seeking in person support will help me heal. I've done what I'm able to do alone. I'm at the point where I need connection to others to heal.
It's been difficult trying to even figure out my situation or who to reach out to for support. It was like I was brainwashed against reaching out for help or even expressing my feelings. I hope this community can help me get out of isolation.
Thank you!!
I'm looking to develop a support system after being in isolation in a toxic relationship with my son's father. I left over 8 months ago and am living with my parents; however, I do not have support. I'm hoping this community, as well as, seeking in person support will help me heal. I've done what I'm able to do alone. I'm at the point where I need connection to others to heal.
It's been difficult trying to even figure out my situation or who to reach out to for support. It was like I was brainwashed against reaching out for help or even expressing my feelings. I hope this community can help me get out of isolation.
Thank you!!
#6
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:23:31 PMHi Dollyvee,
This is an interesting passage, and I can see why it resonates. There is solid evidence that chronic stress affects hippocampal-dependent memory processing and amygdala reactivity, and that early attachment contexts shape later neuroception and threat detection. On that level, the neuroscience itself isn't controversial.
At the same time, for me, I notice a strong internal resistance to how this section frames healing. From both my experience and what I understand from trauma research, the implied sequence:
- go back
- remember
- feel the wound
- then heal
isn't universal.
I've done a lot of historical reconstruction over the past year, and while that was crucial at certain points, I also reached a stage where adding more memory detail stopped changing meaning. What mattered more was understanding patterns and long-term adaptations, especially around parentification and asymmetric attachment injury (horizontal enmeshment, self-erasure).
That's where this framing feels a bit too simplified to me. It focuses largely on deprivation (what was missing), which may not fully capture developmental/relational injuries, e.g. those that are rooted in emotional overuse or responsibility for a parent. Those conditions shape the nervous system differently, and "going back to feel what I didn't get" can sometimes feel less clarifying than invasive.
I can absolutely see how this model might be deeply validating and helpful for others. I just wanted to add that there may be multiple valid paths through this work, and that the resistance I notice in myself can sometimes be information rather than blockage.
This is an interesting passage, and I can see why it resonates. There is solid evidence that chronic stress affects hippocampal-dependent memory processing and amygdala reactivity, and that early attachment contexts shape later neuroception and threat detection. On that level, the neuroscience itself isn't controversial.
At the same time, for me, I notice a strong internal resistance to how this section frames healing. From both my experience and what I understand from trauma research, the implied sequence:
- go back
- remember
- feel the wound
- then heal
isn't universal.
I've done a lot of historical reconstruction over the past year, and while that was crucial at certain points, I also reached a stage where adding more memory detail stopped changing meaning. What mattered more was understanding patterns and long-term adaptations, especially around parentification and asymmetric attachment injury (horizontal enmeshment, self-erasure).
That's where this framing feels a bit too simplified to me. It focuses largely on deprivation (what was missing), which may not fully capture developmental/relational injuries, e.g. those that are rooted in emotional overuse or responsibility for a parent. Those conditions shape the nervous system differently, and "going back to feel what I didn't get" can sometimes feel less clarifying than invasive.
I can absolutely see how this model might be deeply validating and helpful for others. I just wanted to add that there may be multiple valid paths through this work, and that the resistance I notice in myself can sometimes be information rather than blockage.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 06:18:04 PMQuote from: HannahOne on Today at 04:40:23 PMThe sounds coming from the kitchen right now are not the sounds of shattering glass. It's the dishwasher being unloaded. My parts don't know that, they just react, take over.
I think this may be the start of the dial. I don't really remember, or even know, how I started to have more say. It happened after I was able to accept logically, if not emotionally, that there might be a way to calm Little NK and other parts, and that I needed to try to communicate with her. When I had an EF I would talk it over with my T who would encourage me to keep explaining to myself/Little NK that there was no danger. That she does not need to react in the way she always has. That I can keep her safe. It's hard and unconvincing at first. But after a while I started to notice that adult NK was a bit more present in the confusion when Little NK reacted. There was a tiny little voice available to me that could try to reach Little NK.
For me, the process started with Adult NK, over and over, doing the equivalent of telling my parts that the kitchen sounds are only the dishwasher. Sometimes even encouraging them to stop and listen to the sounds, to pay attention to the detail of them, the crash of the cutlery and the clinks of the crockery, and how the noise goes on with its own rhythm, which is not the same as the random crashes of glass from back then.
You've identified what today's sounds are. You've written it here. I think you've taken a step in the direction of the dial.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 04:40:23 PMStill figuring out where to put things on the forum. Gave up and putting it here.
Reading Pete Walker's "Holistically Treating Complex PTSD."
"Human beings who do not get enough unconditional love and support in their early years are at risk of never developing a comforting and supportive relationship with anyone---especially themselves. Many go on to spend their whole lives alienated and isolated. They become strangers to human comfort. They navigate relating from a distant, alienated, and defensive position, especially whenever they are in pain or are unable to perform perfectly."
He goes on to say that this cannot be healed alone.
I was caught by "navigating from a distant, alienated ....posture." That might be my "little ball the size of a pin" place inside, that's the extreme form. But there's also always watching, observing myself and the other person, measuring, analyzing. What's in it for them, what do they want from me, what are they trying to take? It's the "fight" part.
Navigating from a distant posture...dissociation? Why I remember my life but have no felt attachment to it, no emotions with the memories, even the many many good, happy, wonderful ones. I can feel happy, it's just the memory isn't colored with emotion.
From a distant posture, deep inside myself....derealization? Why things sometimes seem unreal, or I can't find my way home from 15 minutes away in a place I've lived for 25 years, nothing is familiar.
And then where is the dial to bring myself closer, closer to the edges of myself? My dog is one such button. Touch the dog, and I'm in my fingers. Frank, look in Frank's eye and I'm right at the edge of my eyeballs. How can I elaborate this button, this dial so I can turn it up or down more voluntarily? I know it's the fight and flight parts that take over and do it for me, but All of Me knows better than just one part. The sounds coming from the kitchen right now are not the sounds of shattering glass. It's the dishwasher being unloaded. My parts don't know that, they just react, take over. I want to find the dial, the mechanism and have more say.
Reading Pete Walker's "Holistically Treating Complex PTSD."
"Human beings who do not get enough unconditional love and support in their early years are at risk of never developing a comforting and supportive relationship with anyone---especially themselves. Many go on to spend their whole lives alienated and isolated. They become strangers to human comfort. They navigate relating from a distant, alienated, and defensive position, especially whenever they are in pain or are unable to perform perfectly."
He goes on to say that this cannot be healed alone.
I was caught by "navigating from a distant, alienated ....posture." That might be my "little ball the size of a pin" place inside, that's the extreme form. But there's also always watching, observing myself and the other person, measuring, analyzing. What's in it for them, what do they want from me, what are they trying to take? It's the "fight" part.
Navigating from a distant posture...dissociation? Why I remember my life but have no felt attachment to it, no emotions with the memories, even the many many good, happy, wonderful ones. I can feel happy, it's just the memory isn't colored with emotion.
From a distant posture, deep inside myself....derealization? Why things sometimes seem unreal, or I can't find my way home from 15 minutes away in a place I've lived for 25 years, nothing is familiar.
And then where is the dial to bring myself closer, closer to the edges of myself? My dog is one such button. Touch the dog, and I'm in my fingers. Frank, look in Frank's eye and I'm right at the edge of my eyeballs. How can I elaborate this button, this dial so I can turn it up or down more voluntarily? I know it's the fight and flight parts that take over and do it for me, but All of Me knows better than just one part. The sounds coming from the kitchen right now are not the sounds of shattering glass. It's the dishwasher being unloaded. My parts don't know that, they just react, take over. I want to find the dial, the mechanism and have more say.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 04:07:43 PMTheBigBlue, thank you for your reflections! Something came to mind, I did a little NARM therapy at one point and something I've held onto is, "What do I want for myself in this situation?" I would share some traumatic reenactment at work, and the response was "and what do you want for yourself here?" It was always like walking into brick wall to hear that question. I was coming from a place of survival, so not even thinking what _I_ wanted.
Sanmagic7, yes. It's a bit double edged, if it wasn't my fault...whose fault was it? A lot of loss there, but it's a loss that happened long ago and that I've been living with, somewhat unawares, placing self-blame in the way of being able to see it.
Sanmagic7, yes. It's a bit double edged, if it wasn't my fault...whose fault was it? A lot of loss there, but it's a loss that happened long ago and that I've been living with, somewhat unawares, placing self-blame in the way of being able to see it.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 04:06:40 PMThank you everyone. Your support and comments mean so much.
I'm feeling calmer now the visit is a few days behind me. The FOO group chat pings relentlessly as M sends hourly reports of what is going on with F's health. I'm mostly ignoring or silencing it. M is not in any case asking for help, or even input. She is just broadcasting her tireless efforts on behalf of F so we can all admire her.
I find myself feeling far less sorry for F. As his illness has progressed I have been getting upset when M rants against him and makes the most awful threats. The problem with M has always been that most of her threats are hot air but that cannot quite be guaranteed. Certainly not where us children were concerned. Whenever I have viewed my F as vulnerable due to his health, M's horrible threats have landed extra hard on me. But the latest nonsense with the care home he never wanted to go to has changed something for me. He pretended this desire for a care facility was to help M, I suppose so he would look good and caring. What he actually did was set her (and me) off on the wild goose chase so her attention would not be focused in his true desire, which was to get back home somewhat sooner than he should have. At home M is obliged to take on most of the care duties. They know from last time that immediately after stoma surgery there is a period of frequent leakage, usually in bed. She is being run ragged by him having to call her in the early hours of a morning to clean him up.
I don't find myself feeling sorry for M at all this hard work. I do find myself wondering when she will finally have had enough - that is a side issue. But whereas before I found myself feeling sorry for F with all the leaks and difficulties and drama caused by M, that feeling seems to have stopped. At least for the moment. It's very much a shrug-the-shoulders "well, they made their bed" kind of feeling.
During the last visit M was talking about one of my ideas she has followed up on. I suggested they install a key safe so carers, cleaners, ambulance staff or whoever can gain access if either of them cannot get to the door. It's been installed but not yet put in use as they have not yet decided on a code. M expressed some concerns for security, although these things are no more a security risk than having a window someone could break. She then said that it's not as if there will be a key in there permanently. I started to comment a bit too animatedly about how one never knows when an emergency might strike and how stupid it would be to have a safe with no keys in it. And then in mid sentence I just stopped myself and said quite calmly "But you do as you please" and changed the subject. I'm not sure what she made of that - for all I know I will never hear a word about this key safe again. I'm pleased because I stopped letting her get to me. Just because I had an idea does not mean I now own the matter with all its attendant idiocies.
I'm feeling calmer now the visit is a few days behind me. The FOO group chat pings relentlessly as M sends hourly reports of what is going on with F's health. I'm mostly ignoring or silencing it. M is not in any case asking for help, or even input. She is just broadcasting her tireless efforts on behalf of F so we can all admire her.
I find myself feeling far less sorry for F. As his illness has progressed I have been getting upset when M rants against him and makes the most awful threats. The problem with M has always been that most of her threats are hot air but that cannot quite be guaranteed. Certainly not where us children were concerned. Whenever I have viewed my F as vulnerable due to his health, M's horrible threats have landed extra hard on me. But the latest nonsense with the care home he never wanted to go to has changed something for me. He pretended this desire for a care facility was to help M, I suppose so he would look good and caring. What he actually did was set her (and me) off on the wild goose chase so her attention would not be focused in his true desire, which was to get back home somewhat sooner than he should have. At home M is obliged to take on most of the care duties. They know from last time that immediately after stoma surgery there is a period of frequent leakage, usually in bed. She is being run ragged by him having to call her in the early hours of a morning to clean him up.
I don't find myself feeling sorry for M at all this hard work. I do find myself wondering when she will finally have had enough - that is a side issue. But whereas before I found myself feeling sorry for F with all the leaks and difficulties and drama caused by M, that feeling seems to have stopped. At least for the moment. It's very much a shrug-the-shoulders "well, they made their bed" kind of feeling.
During the last visit M was talking about one of my ideas she has followed up on. I suggested they install a key safe so carers, cleaners, ambulance staff or whoever can gain access if either of them cannot get to the door. It's been installed but not yet put in use as they have not yet decided on a code. M expressed some concerns for security, although these things are no more a security risk than having a window someone could break. She then said that it's not as if there will be a key in there permanently. I started to comment a bit too animatedly about how one never knows when an emergency might strike and how stupid it would be to have a safe with no keys in it. And then in mid sentence I just stopped myself and said quite calmly "But you do as you please" and changed the subject. I'm not sure what she made of that - for all I know I will never hear a word about this key safe again. I'm pleased because I stopped letting her get to me. Just because I had an idea does not mean I now own the matter with all its attendant idiocies.