Recent posts
#1
Self-Help & Recovery / Re: Has anyone experienced inv...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 01:35:57 PMI've not experienced that but maybe others will be able to weigh in.
Given you only do in in private in the company of people who seem to be safe I do wonder whether you might think a little more about why you feel embarrassed and want to reduce it. I guess part of the answer may lie in how the other people have responded to this. On the face of things it seems like quite a helpful way of self-soothing. It also feels to me like maybe it is coming from a child place. The first thing I would try in such a situation if I wanted to stop the verbalising is to have something like a cuddly toy or soft blanket near to hand when thinking about difficult subjects. That might provide a level of comfort. If you are alone in the room and feel comfortable you might even try speaking softly to the toy, telling it your thoughts, since saying them quietly before you feel a need to call out might mean the calling is not necessary every time.
Given you only do in in private in the company of people who seem to be safe I do wonder whether you might think a little more about why you feel embarrassed and want to reduce it. I guess part of the answer may lie in how the other people have responded to this. On the face of things it seems like quite a helpful way of self-soothing. It also feels to me like maybe it is coming from a child place. The first thing I would try in such a situation if I wanted to stop the verbalising is to have something like a cuddly toy or soft blanket near to hand when thinking about difficult subjects. That might provide a level of comfort. If you are alone in the room and feel comfortable you might even try speaking softly to the toy, telling it your thoughts, since saying them quietly before you feel a need to call out might mean the calling is not necessary every time.
#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 01:26:41 PMHello, and welcome. I'm in the UK too.
It sounds from what you have posted that there is trauma in the mix. Since you say you don't know what that trauma is, it could well be what a lot of people refer to as "small t trauma" as opposed to the more obvious "capital T trauma" such as violence, disasters accidents, war and so forth. When we suffer the former type of trauma, and when it comes from unexpected places (in my case a supposedly loving family), it is easy to overlook when thinking about trauma.
It might be worth discussing with your therapist exactly what approach they are using in your sessions. As you are concentrating on the present and how to manage that it is possible they are using a CBT approach. That has its place but many people here with long-standing CPTSD have not found it all that helpful. Once the healing process is well under way it probably is helpful for certain aspects but it sounds like you are right at the start and not yet clear on exactly what is going on. Don't worry - that's quite normal! There's other approaches, such as psychodynamic, that may be more suitable. Most good therapists will use a range of approaches to fit the client.
I'd recommend you maybe read a bit about CPTSD. Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving" is the main book that switched on lightbulbs for loads of us here. That would be a good place to start if you have not yet read it. Have a good look around the forum and website here, too, as there is lots of information that might help you or strike a chord. Your description of your emotional experiences sounds very much like they are Emotional Flashbacks (called EFs around the forum) and those certainly stem from trauma. They are horrible and overwhelming but there are ways of managing them once you know how to recognise them. Pete Walker's book has a lot of helpful strategies.
I also want to say I totally understand your situation of things making logical sense but not making emotional sense. The number of times I have said this to my therapist are too many to count. That's OK. With persistence they will eventually make emotional sense, too, but if you don't currently have the emotional circuits necessary then they can't possibly make sense now. Building new circuits takes time and you need to be kind to yourself.
It sounds from what you have posted that there is trauma in the mix. Since you say you don't know what that trauma is, it could well be what a lot of people refer to as "small t trauma" as opposed to the more obvious "capital T trauma" such as violence, disasters accidents, war and so forth. When we suffer the former type of trauma, and when it comes from unexpected places (in my case a supposedly loving family), it is easy to overlook when thinking about trauma.
It might be worth discussing with your therapist exactly what approach they are using in your sessions. As you are concentrating on the present and how to manage that it is possible they are using a CBT approach. That has its place but many people here with long-standing CPTSD have not found it all that helpful. Once the healing process is well under way it probably is helpful for certain aspects but it sounds like you are right at the start and not yet clear on exactly what is going on. Don't worry - that's quite normal! There's other approaches, such as psychodynamic, that may be more suitable. Most good therapists will use a range of approaches to fit the client.
I'd recommend you maybe read a bit about CPTSD. Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving" is the main book that switched on lightbulbs for loads of us here. That would be a good place to start if you have not yet read it. Have a good look around the forum and website here, too, as there is lots of information that might help you or strike a chord. Your description of your emotional experiences sounds very much like they are Emotional Flashbacks (called EFs around the forum) and those certainly stem from trauma. They are horrible and overwhelming but there are ways of managing them once you know how to recognise them. Pete Walker's book has a lot of helpful strategies.
I also want to say I totally understand your situation of things making logical sense but not making emotional sense. The number of times I have said this to my therapist are too many to count. That's OK. With persistence they will eventually make emotional sense, too, but if you don't currently have the emotional circuits necessary then they can't possibly make sense now. Building new circuits takes time and you need to be kind to yourself.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 12:33:18 PMAnd a friendly reminder to myself:
I am not mentally ill. I am having perfectly normal reactions to an abnormal upbringing.
There is nothing wrong with me. I can do this.
I am not mentally ill. I am having perfectly normal reactions to an abnormal upbringing.
There is nothing wrong with me. I can do this.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 12:31:08 PMQuote from: SenseOrgan on December 11, 2025, 07:58:10 PMOne question, if you don't mind. Is there really anything to forgive for being sensitive?That was a good point too, SO, thank you.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - Today at 09:46:44 AMQuote from: Blueberry on Today at 02:15:53 AMA warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken!
Thank you Blueberry
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Abitbroken - Today at 09:46:00 AMQuote from: TheBigBlue on December 12, 2025, 08:54:34 PMHi, welcome.
What you describe resonates with a lot of people here. Feeling emotions primarily in the body, switching between a logical autopilot and overwhelm, and spending enormous energy managing thoughts and emotions are very common trauma adaptations, especially when emotions weren't safe, welcomed, or supported earlier on.
Something about your screen name stood out to me too. "Abitbroken" sounds like someone who knows something hurts, but is also minimizing it: not broken, just a bit. I used to say (and still sometimes do), "it wasn't that bad," "others had it worse," "I should be able to cope." That kind of minimizing is itself very common in trauma. One thing I read on this forum that really landed for me was this: if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad. Trauma isn't defined by what happened objectively, but by what the nervous system had to do to survive it.
I'm still learning about this myself, so I'm not trying to give advice, but from what you wrote, I recognize and resonate with many of the patterns you describe.
You're not broken. It sounds more like your system learned very effective ways to function under pressure or adverse conditions - logic, control, distraction - and now those strategies are exhausting you. The fact that this feels hard doesn't mean you're failing; it may mean you've been carrying too much for too long, largely on your own.
I'm really glad you reached out and found this forum - this community. You're not alone here.
Hi TheBigBlue - thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long response. It is incredibly helpful to hear that I am not the only one who feels like this - I find that every day is like a constant battle between feeling nothing, literally nothing, doing tasks, (logic / autopilot) pushing the "unhelpful" thoughts out of my head, trying to distract, be mindful (I struggle a lot with that), trying to hold it all together at work and then bracing for the "emotion" which is usually - well, the only word I can find to describe it is pain. Sometimes it feels annihilating and trying to label it as unexpressed emotion as I have been advised to - maybe lessens the duration - but it is still horrific and inside those waves it is so utterly lonely.
I am trying to accept that I have "trauma" (I don't know what) but I do feel like I am being a big baby and should be handling myself a lot better than I am - I think I am at the beginning of understanding any of this!
Hearing that I am not alone in experiencing some of these problems is relieving.. and also so terribly sad, as I would never wish anyone to EVER feel like this or have to live like this. It is exhausting and soul destroying.
I have started therapy - which I think has made things worse, almost like it has opened up something - and we haven't talked much about my life - just how I am feeling now, and trying to find ways to manage. It is just so tiring!
May I ask, has your experience of allowing this to land "if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad." helped you and how difficult / easy was it for it to actually be fully absorbed? I struggle with logically understanding things when they are explained by my therapist (oh ok that makes logical sense) - but they don't seem to sink in any further.
Also if it has sunk in, did that make things easier for you?
Sorry if the questions are silly and my post is repetitive, and thank you again for your reply
back at you #7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 07:09:26 AMWelcome, samereflection1001.
I'm really glad you found your way here. What you wrote about finally having a diagnosis that fits resonates a lot; that mix of pain and relief is something many of us recognize.
I only have direct experience with CBT (I'm doing it twice a week right now). It can be helpful for me, especially because I'm fairly analytical and high-functioning - but only when my therapist is very attuned and actively co-regulates with me when I'm dysregulated. At times, CBT has also been destabilizing for me; trying to "think my way out" of fear when a very young, scared part is present didn't work and actually made things worse.
I hope others with experience in DBT, psychodynamic therapy, EMDR, and other approaches will chime in. You're not alone in trying to sort out what helps and what doesn't. I'm glad you're here.
I'm really glad you found your way here. What you wrote about finally having a diagnosis that fits resonates a lot; that mix of pain and relief is something many of us recognize.
I only have direct experience with CBT (I'm doing it twice a week right now). It can be helpful for me, especially because I'm fairly analytical and high-functioning - but only when my therapist is very attuned and actively co-regulates with me when I'm dysregulated. At times, CBT has also been destabilizing for me; trying to "think my way out" of fear when a very young, scared part is present didn't work and actually made things worse.
I hope others with experience in DBT, psychodynamic therapy, EMDR, and other approaches will chime in. You're not alone in trying to sort out what helps and what doesn't. I'm glad you're here.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 02:15:53 AMA warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken!
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 02:14:43 AMWelcome to the forum samereflection1001
I think you will find that a ton of people on here relate to all sorts. I've noticed that there's always at least one member who writes they resonate with what feels like the most outlandish symptoms or reactions I have. That comes as a relief to me.
Sorry I don't know about DBT because where I am (not a majority country on OOTS) therapy isn't divided up that way - therapists may teach you coping skills or whatever but don't tend to tell you from what particular field they come from, and also mix-and-match from skills from a different set as well. I'm sure others on here will get back to you though.
I think you will find that a ton of people on here relate to all sorts. I've noticed that there's always at least one member who writes they resonate with what feels like the most outlandish symptoms or reactions I have. That comes as a relief to me.
Sorry I don't know about DBT because where I am (not a majority country on OOTS) therapy isn't divided up that way - therapists may teach you coping skills or whatever but don't tend to tell you from what particular field they come from, and also mix-and-match from skills from a different set as well. I'm sure others on here will get back to you though.
#10
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: Film: If an Owl Calls Your...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 02:05:53 AMYou're very welcome SenseOrgan! I'm always happy to hear that maybe one person benefitted from me having posted this kind of event.