Recent posts
#1
Self-Help & Recovery / Tough Time
Last post by Mamatus - February 16, 2026, 11:43:15 PMIve experienced what feels like a full collapse after many years of high-functioning, nonstop work in the creative arts. I was always someone who coped by pushing harder, achieving more, and staying productive.I never really relaxed - my favourite past time involved adrenaline and socialising always involved heavy drinking to overcome social anxiety I was unaware of. I had to give away drinking some years ago now. That mode of life worked for a long time until it didn't.
I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.
My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.
I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.
It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.
I grew up with intense and chronic emotional abuse from my mother (who has since passed). I don't think I ever properly processed the trauma even with weekly therapy. Over the past year, major life stressors — family, financial pressure, responsibility — seem to have fused with that earlier trauma, and everything has started to feel existential. I now feel permanently stuck just getting through each day but without the tools to solve the looming problems.
My hardest part is the inner critic. I wake most mornings around 4:30am with intense, unbearable thoughts. By midday it usually eases somewhat. I train physically most afternoons, partly because it helps regulate me and gives me a bit of mental quiet later in the day.
I'm very interested in hearing from others who've had similar experiences. What helped? What didn't? Any perspective or lived experience would be appreciated.
It's been tough at times to keep going, but I am still here and still trying.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - February 16, 2026, 10:39:28 PMThanks you three 
. I really liked our outing. I felt very present at the zoo and learned a lot of photography techniques. One of my best photos was of my partner which made them happy since they're usually behind the camera.
. I really liked our outing. I felt very present at the zoo and learned a lot of photography techniques. One of my best photos was of my partner which made them happy since they're usually behind the camera. #3
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Marcine - February 16, 2026, 09:46:46 PMFrom Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, in the chapter called "Silver Linings", page 80.
"We live in an emotionally impoverished culture, and those who stick with a long term recovery process are often rewarded with emotional intelligence far beyond the norm. This is somewhat paradoxical, as survivors of childhood trauma are initially injured more grievously in their emotional natures than those in the general population.
"...Those who work an effective recovery program not only recover significantly from emotional damage, but also evolve out of the emotional impoverishment of the general society."
Pete goes on to write in that chapter about the silver linings in recovery— building relational intelligence, creating authentic and reciprocal relationships, ongoing learning, inner wisdom, self respect, resilience.
Yes to being on the right and good path, BigBlue.
And yes to being in such good company here on the forum
"We live in an emotionally impoverished culture, and those who stick with a long term recovery process are often rewarded with emotional intelligence far beyond the norm. This is somewhat paradoxical, as survivors of childhood trauma are initially injured more grievously in their emotional natures than those in the general population.
"...Those who work an effective recovery program not only recover significantly from emotional damage, but also evolve out of the emotional impoverishment of the general society."
Pete goes on to write in that chapter about the silver linings in recovery— building relational intelligence, creating authentic and reciprocal relationships, ongoing learning, inner wisdom, self respect, resilience.
Yes to being on the right and good path, BigBlue.
And yes to being in such good company here on the forum
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - February 16, 2026, 08:52:18 PMStrategy for managing my self-hatred: Find one little useful thing I can cope with doing, no matter how small, and do it. Then if I can, find another little useful thing and do it. Then if I can, another. Etc. If at any time I start feeling like I can't cope with whatever I'm doing, STOP. Find something else to do, or rest. When possible, go see the river.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introducing myself - hi, m...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 08:10:07 PMWelcome, Layla. 
I'm glad you're here, and you're welcome to move at your own pace - there's no rush and no obligation to share more than feels right. 💛
I'm glad you're here, and you're welcome to move at your own pace - there's no rush and no obligation to share more than feels right. 💛
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Introducing myself - hi, my na...
Last post by LaylaDalal - February 16, 2026, 07:21:50 PMHi,
My name is Layla and I'm glad to have landed here. My journey is still very hard to talk about so I prefer to take it step by step but I wanted to say hello here already. I'm only now figuring out how strongly my life is impacted by dissociative states, amnesia and chronic pain. I also believe that these "issues" are my gifts and my road to recovery. I've come a long road from getting sober from alcohol and being in recovery with sex addiction and codependency. These groups help me a lot but I do feel that they cannot hold the severity of my traumatic past. And eventhough I struggle to speak (or even write, only some parts have access) about it, I do feel, I need to find groups who specifically share awareness around their very traumatic experiences, to feel safe enough to open up. Hoping, that this can be a space here at some point. Thank you for reading! ❤️
My name is Layla and I'm glad to have landed here. My journey is still very hard to talk about so I prefer to take it step by step but I wanted to say hello here already. I'm only now figuring out how strongly my life is impacted by dissociative states, amnesia and chronic pain. I also believe that these "issues" are my gifts and my road to recovery. I've come a long road from getting sober from alcohol and being in recovery with sex addiction and codependency. These groups help me a lot but I do feel that they cannot hold the severity of my traumatic past. And eventhough I struggle to speak (or even write, only some parts have access) about it, I do feel, I need to find groups who specifically share awareness around their very traumatic experiences, to feel safe enough to open up. Hoping, that this can be a space here at some point. Thank you for reading! ❤️
#7
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 07:11:36 PM
to both of you.Teddybear, I hear you. There are the active shamers and then the more indirect shaming that comes from "helpers," even when they think they're being reassuring. Both can land as being put under a microscope, especially when you're already tired and vulnerable.
If you haven't seen this thread yet, you might find it interesting.
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17004.0�
Especially the science behind the connection between CPTSD and obesity.
Quote from: TheBigBlue on December 01, 2025, 02:26:42 PM[...] Multiple independent meta-analyses (i.e., studies that pool data from many original studies) report that Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) exposure is associated with higher odds of obesity. [...]Given that context, it makes complete sense that comments about body size - even "neutral" or reassuring ones - can be activating. Your reaction isn't over-sensitivity; it's an understandable response to having your body treated as a topic rather than you being met as a person. I'm glad you're listening to yourself and getting support around this. 💛
#8
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 16, 2026, 06:48:32 PMThanks, Kizzie, this really landed for me.
The distinction between other-referenced and self-referenced feels like one of those concepts that explains an entire life in a single axis.
I've had several moments recently where that invisibility – that lack of reciprocity – suddenly snapped into focus.
1) I finally shared my CPTSD diagnosis with a friend – someone I'd been there for, emotionally, for years. Her response was: "Doesn't everyone feel that way?" That was the moment I realized how much of our relationship had been sustained by me holding space without ever asking for it back. Since then, when she starts container-dumping on me again, I have a clear sense of "this is one-directional." (We still collaborate professionally, so I'm careful, but the awareness alone has changed how much it hurts.)
2) A video chat with my "golden child" sister. The classic me-me-me for 15 minutes, then she says "and how is your life going?" In the two seconds it took me to take a breath to answer, she restarted the me-me-me monologue – another 10 minutes before the call ended. With the newly gained awareness, I can treat this as data now – or even chuckle internally at how comical that slapstick scene feels.
3) But the most striking aha moment came up in therapy recently. I told my therapist about having pneumonia years ago – completely alone, thinking I might die – and realizing that I never once thought "I don't want to die."
My only thought was how devastated my (very enmeshed) mother would be if I did. When my therapist gently pointed out that this reflected an absence of self-reference / lack of self – that even in a life-threatening moment my focus was entirely on someone else's emotional state – something clicked in a way it never had before.
The whole de-enmeshing and learning to self-reference is still very fresh. There's no internal roadmap yet – just moments where I notice I've disappeared and try to come back into my body, into my own needs, before I vanish completely.
"Baby steps" – sometimes it's just awareness instead of self-blame.
On the path to reciprocity as a requirement, not a luxury.
Thank you for putting words to this so clearly. It makes the work feel a little less lonely – and reassures me that I'm on the right path, no matter how dysregulating this path sometimes feels. 💛
The distinction between other-referenced and self-referenced feels like one of those concepts that explains an entire life in a single axis.
I've had several moments recently where that invisibility – that lack of reciprocity – suddenly snapped into focus.
1) I finally shared my CPTSD diagnosis with a friend – someone I'd been there for, emotionally, for years. Her response was: "Doesn't everyone feel that way?" That was the moment I realized how much of our relationship had been sustained by me holding space without ever asking for it back. Since then, when she starts container-dumping on me again, I have a clear sense of "this is one-directional." (We still collaborate professionally, so I'm careful, but the awareness alone has changed how much it hurts.)
2) A video chat with my "golden child" sister. The classic me-me-me for 15 minutes, then she says "and how is your life going?" In the two seconds it took me to take a breath to answer, she restarted the me-me-me monologue – another 10 minutes before the call ended. With the newly gained awareness, I can treat this as data now – or even chuckle internally at how comical that slapstick scene feels.
3) But the most striking aha moment came up in therapy recently. I told my therapist about having pneumonia years ago – completely alone, thinking I might die – and realizing that I never once thought "I don't want to die."
My only thought was how devastated my (very enmeshed) mother would be if I did. When my therapist gently pointed out that this reflected an absence of self-reference / lack of self – that even in a life-threatening moment my focus was entirely on someone else's emotional state – something clicked in a way it never had before.
The whole de-enmeshing and learning to self-reference is still very fresh. There's no internal roadmap yet – just moments where I notice I've disappeared and try to come back into my body, into my own needs, before I vanish completely.
"Baby steps" – sometimes it's just awareness instead of self-blame.
On the path to reciprocity as a requirement, not a luxury.
Thank you for putting words to this so clearly. It makes the work feel a little less lonely – and reassures me that I'm on the right path, no matter how dysregulating this path sometimes feels. 💛
#9
Physical Issues / Re: Weight fluctuations, body ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - February 16, 2026, 06:40:06 PMI've struggled with overweight and obesity for the vast (no pun intended) majority of my life. Not from meds, simply from trauma and comfort eating. Not helped by terrible shaming from my mother from around the age of 10 onwards. My sibling verged on anorexia so we have both reacted, just in different ways.
I always felt very self-conscious about everything to do with my body. Not just the weight because my mother did not limit her nasty remarks to my weight alone. My hair, eyes, teeth, feet - all were fair game. Fortunately I have not had to deal with many personal comments in my adult life (other than from my mother) but I did have various medical reports which commented (factually and necessarily) on my size. That stung.
As far as medics are concerned I found it felt better if I grasped the nettle and made it clear before they raised the subject of my weight that I was aware of it. It didn't then feel like a horrible ambush of the sort my mother made.
I don't think comments about someone else's physical appearance or size are ever acceptable unless the person has specifically asked for them. It sounds like you did not and your friend brought up the subject. I know that feeling of being under a microscope and it is horrible. She may have meant well but I am not surprised you felt disappointed afterwards and I'm sorry that happened. I think even compliments can be difficult and land wrong. I'd certainly never comment on someone else's weight loss, for example, unless they had personally told me they were trying to lose. I generally limit compliments to someone's clothing choices or the colour of their manicure.
I always felt very self-conscious about everything to do with my body. Not just the weight because my mother did not limit her nasty remarks to my weight alone. My hair, eyes, teeth, feet - all were fair game. Fortunately I have not had to deal with many personal comments in my adult life (other than from my mother) but I did have various medical reports which commented (factually and necessarily) on my size. That stung.
As far as medics are concerned I found it felt better if I grasped the nettle and made it clear before they raised the subject of my weight that I was aware of it. It didn't then feel like a horrible ambush of the sort my mother made.
I don't think comments about someone else's physical appearance or size are ever acceptable unless the person has specifically asked for them. It sounds like you did not and your friend brought up the subject. I know that feeling of being under a microscope and it is horrible. She may have meant well but I am not surprised you felt disappointed afterwards and I'm sorry that happened. I think even compliments can be difficult and land wrong. I'd certainly never comment on someone else's weight loss, for example, unless they had personally told me they were trying to lose. I generally limit compliments to someone's clothing choices or the colour of their manicure.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by SenseOrgan - February 16, 2026, 06:13:59 PMHanging in there Chart?