Recent posts
#1
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Armee - Today at 08:06:13 PMIm really glad people could join and found it to be useful. Like you Blueberry it was like no other yoga I've been too and it really felt trauma informed to me. No pressure and choice like you said. And other even slow or beginner yoga are too fasy to manage with the dissociative disconnect. Just figuring out which arm im supposed to move let alone all the other stuff going on in yoga is too much.
Teddy Bear,
They have these classes all the time but you have to register and pay a nominal fee...I can't remember how much...maybe $2USD or $10USD per session on a donation basis.
It can be hard to find the info though. Here's the link to sign up.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/classes
Teddy Bear,
They have these classes all the time but you have to register and pay a nominal fee...I can't remember how much...maybe $2USD or $10USD per session on a donation basis.
It can be hard to find the info though. Here's the link to sign up.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/classes
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 07:13:11 PMSo my grand plan for morning failed today, LOL. Got up, made kids breakfast and lunch, made partner lunch, fed dogs, rabbit, katydid (don't ask!), walked dogs, ran the dishes Aaaannnnndddd back to bed.
Laid in bad in sad despair for several hours, thrashing around and telling myself to get up while equally yelling at myself to stay put for fear of the feelings I would have if I got up.
Thought about what I wanted to do. I wanted to play with clothes. Part of me saying that's a waste of time, need to clean up the house for weekend, I should be working, when will I get a job, I should work on my small business I have two clients to call back, no I should go back to corporate, I can never go back to corporate......
Got up at noon and got the pants that came in the mail yesterday. 14$ eBay grey wool trousers by Talbot. A strange experiment. What was I thinking when I ordered these? I put them on, they fit perfectly. I put on my ice blue lace top. wow! Added a black leather jacket. Oh yeah. Burgundy pointed toe boots. Yes m'am. Tried a white t shirt with a blue denim swing jacket. V nice, the jacket makes the pants casual. Added a sneaker. Yup. Carmel wool sweater, yep. Brown linen sweater, yep. How about the Joshua Tree oversized T shirt? Yes! Pine green athletic sweatshirt with white stripe down the arms. Wow! Add silver Mary Jane. Yeah!
These gray pants go with absolutely everything I own, every top from button down to lace blouse to sweater to sweatshirt and t shirt. Every blazer, every suede or leather jacket. Every shoe from sneaker to boot to Mary Jane to loafer.
They bring the masculine and business vibe. Then everything else can be casual, which most of my tops and shoes are. The tops and shoes can bring the soft or romantic, like the lace top of the denim swing top, the Mary Jane. The tops and shoes can bring sporty casual like the sneaker and sweatshirt. Or I can stay in the dressy lane with the caramel or chocolate sweaters and boot.
I was trying to find the perfect jeans and that was throwing everything off, because jeans are dark blue. And then I have to wear lighter things on top, and I need saturated colors near my face. And jeans say casual and they also say "mom." And I am a mom, but I am becoming more than a mom and reclaiming other parts of me. I don't need my pants to say "mom," I want my pants to say the things I am aspiring to, like solid gray wool pants. Textured, natural from a sheep LOL, woven, business, masculine. Also lower rise and straight leg slouchy. I'm a 90s high school kid after all.
The other pair of pants that usually work are light wash 90s low rise straight slouchy jeans.
I have short barrel grey jeans and I know now why I loved them---the grey. Not sure about the silhouette now. I have white jeans, and I know now why I loved them--light on the bottom. I have chocolate brown trousers and I know now why I love them---business. These grey pants bring all three of those qualities together.
Knowing why I like or don't like something is just as important as knowing what I like or don't like. I want to learn to articulate preferences. I want to gain mastery with clothes as a language just like I can learn to gain mastery with words as a language. I can feel it, the words I want to say.
I find it hilarious that the color that made everything work is grey. Not black, not white. Not red. Not blue or pine green or the orange I recently tried, Frank save the Queen. Gray, a color that isn't a color, it's a mix of dark and light. A neutral that holds the extremes. It's also the perfect contrast, whether I go lighter on the top or darker on the top, grey is holding the middle.
That's what I want to say. I want to carry, express, not black not white. Color that is no color. Wu Wei, the color that is a color is not the true color. I want to say extremes of dark and light held together by neutral, the Middle Way. I want to express business-like slouch. Luxurious casual. Serious lack of effort. LOL. Just pulled on these $14 1990s 100% wool trousers with a silk lining, hello world!
Eh, it's just clothes. But I'm thrilled. Happiness unlocked.
Laid in bad in sad despair for several hours, thrashing around and telling myself to get up while equally yelling at myself to stay put for fear of the feelings I would have if I got up.
Thought about what I wanted to do. I wanted to play with clothes. Part of me saying that's a waste of time, need to clean up the house for weekend, I should be working, when will I get a job, I should work on my small business I have two clients to call back, no I should go back to corporate, I can never go back to corporate......
Got up at noon and got the pants that came in the mail yesterday. 14$ eBay grey wool trousers by Talbot. A strange experiment. What was I thinking when I ordered these? I put them on, they fit perfectly. I put on my ice blue lace top. wow! Added a black leather jacket. Oh yeah. Burgundy pointed toe boots. Yes m'am. Tried a white t shirt with a blue denim swing jacket. V nice, the jacket makes the pants casual. Added a sneaker. Yup. Carmel wool sweater, yep. Brown linen sweater, yep. How about the Joshua Tree oversized T shirt? Yes! Pine green athletic sweatshirt with white stripe down the arms. Wow! Add silver Mary Jane. Yeah!
These gray pants go with absolutely everything I own, every top from button down to lace blouse to sweater to sweatshirt and t shirt. Every blazer, every suede or leather jacket. Every shoe from sneaker to boot to Mary Jane to loafer.
They bring the masculine and business vibe. Then everything else can be casual, which most of my tops and shoes are. The tops and shoes can bring the soft or romantic, like the lace top of the denim swing top, the Mary Jane. The tops and shoes can bring sporty casual like the sneaker and sweatshirt. Or I can stay in the dressy lane with the caramel or chocolate sweaters and boot.
I was trying to find the perfect jeans and that was throwing everything off, because jeans are dark blue. And then I have to wear lighter things on top, and I need saturated colors near my face. And jeans say casual and they also say "mom." And I am a mom, but I am becoming more than a mom and reclaiming other parts of me. I don't need my pants to say "mom," I want my pants to say the things I am aspiring to, like solid gray wool pants. Textured, natural from a sheep LOL, woven, business, masculine. Also lower rise and straight leg slouchy. I'm a 90s high school kid after all.
The other pair of pants that usually work are light wash 90s low rise straight slouchy jeans.
I have short barrel grey jeans and I know now why I loved them---the grey. Not sure about the silhouette now. I have white jeans, and I know now why I loved them--light on the bottom. I have chocolate brown trousers and I know now why I love them---business. These grey pants bring all three of those qualities together.
Knowing why I like or don't like something is just as important as knowing what I like or don't like. I want to learn to articulate preferences. I want to gain mastery with clothes as a language just like I can learn to gain mastery with words as a language. I can feel it, the words I want to say.
I find it hilarious that the color that made everything work is grey. Not black, not white. Not red. Not blue or pine green or the orange I recently tried, Frank save the Queen. Gray, a color that isn't a color, it's a mix of dark and light. A neutral that holds the extremes. It's also the perfect contrast, whether I go lighter on the top or darker on the top, grey is holding the middle.
That's what I want to say. I want to carry, express, not black not white. Color that is no color. Wu Wei, the color that is a color is not the true color. I want to say extremes of dark and light held together by neutral, the Middle Way. I want to express business-like slouch. Luxurious casual. Serious lack of effort. LOL. Just pulled on these $14 1990s 100% wool trousers with a silk lining, hello world!
Eh, it's just clothes. But I'm thrilled. Happiness unlocked.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 06:54:28 PMNK, thank you for sharing some ideas. I love the idea about glasses. I wore them since I was a toddler as I was a preemie. A few years ago got eye surgery and no longer needed. But I think I will get some. They will make my face look more "intentional" even without makeup. And yes, I cannot stand ANYTHING on my skin I Can't even wear sunscreen. But lipstick I can do. I am going to experiment with the most nude lip to start LOL.
I also love the idea about improv! I'm starting a ballet class in a few months when my knee is healed. Baby steps
SanMagic7, there is definitely a delayed development going on along with my midlife crisis lol. I didn't get to experiment as a teen at all it was very rigidly controlled in what could wear, and we were poor. Then I left home and was in survival mode working and saving, then kids.... I've never taken time to figure out what I want to say, what versions of me I Want to express. Thank you for the solidarity.
I also love the idea about improv! I'm starting a ballet class in a few months when my knee is healed. Baby steps
SanMagic7, there is definitely a delayed development going on along with my midlife crisis lol. I didn't get to experiment as a teen at all it was very rigidly controlled in what could wear, and we were poor. Then I left home and was in survival mode working and saving, then kids.... I've never taken time to figure out what I want to say, what versions of me I Want to express. Thank you for the solidarity.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 06:00:11 PMI read Mother Hunger quite a long time ago for the first time. I did tell my T but it was a couple of years ago. She had not read it then and has not read it now but has clients who have referred it back to her as being helpful, so she recommended it to me. We were specifically discussing how to mother oneself. I reminded her I had read it and remembered it as being helpful so I am re-reading.
I have not got very far yet, but I am finding that I do remember quite a bit. At the moment it is about attachment theory, though, and I have read other things about that since.
The AI summary seems fair. The author is good at pointing out the various bits of advice that have been given to new mothers over the years. When I was little there was quite a fashion for letting babies self-soothe and cry alone so I cannot blame my M for thinking this one up, though I think the approach appealed to her more than it might have done to others. The author is particular that her book is not about not laying blame on mothers because people can have Mother Hunger even with a mother who loved them and did her best. But she may have followed unhelpful advice, or fallen ill, or whatever. Any degree of blame a reader might want to lay on their mother is left entirely up to them.
I don't think I am finding it easier to read the second time around, but it is different. The first time the whole notion of having damaging mothering from infancy on was quite new, and I devoured the information about attachment theory and so on. I think I struggled more with the ideas on how to mother oneself because I have such a negative view of what a mother is that I have resistance to performing that role for myself. I am coming round to the possible need for it, and finding a way of doing it without relating it too closely to my own mother. I'll have to see how I feel about those bits when I get there. I am also much more alive to my body's signals now and notice resistance. Before I might just have thought I was tired or whatever without noticing that I was always tired when reading that particular book.
I actually listen to my Gabor Mate audiobooks to go to sleep, sometimes. They are narrated by his son who has a nice voice to listen to. I thought listening to a trauma book might give me bad dreams but that has not happened. I am not prone to them, though, so you might want to beware of doing that yourself. You can listen to clips of audiobooks before buying and it is worth doing that. It would be grim if I bought a book and the narrator sounded like my mother!
Hugs right back to you.
I have not got very far yet, but I am finding that I do remember quite a bit. At the moment it is about attachment theory, though, and I have read other things about that since.
The AI summary seems fair. The author is good at pointing out the various bits of advice that have been given to new mothers over the years. When I was little there was quite a fashion for letting babies self-soothe and cry alone so I cannot blame my M for thinking this one up, though I think the approach appealed to her more than it might have done to others. The author is particular that her book is not about not laying blame on mothers because people can have Mother Hunger even with a mother who loved them and did her best. But she may have followed unhelpful advice, or fallen ill, or whatever. Any degree of blame a reader might want to lay on their mother is left entirely up to them.
I don't think I am finding it easier to read the second time around, but it is different. The first time the whole notion of having damaging mothering from infancy on was quite new, and I devoured the information about attachment theory and so on. I think I struggled more with the ideas on how to mother oneself because I have such a negative view of what a mother is that I have resistance to performing that role for myself. I am coming round to the possible need for it, and finding a way of doing it without relating it too closely to my own mother. I'll have to see how I feel about those bits when I get there. I am also much more alive to my body's signals now and notice resistance. Before I might just have thought I was tired or whatever without noticing that I was always tired when reading that particular book.
I actually listen to my Gabor Mate audiobooks to go to sleep, sometimes. They are narrated by his son who has a nice voice to listen to. I thought listening to a trauma book might give me bad dreams but that has not happened. I am not prone to them, though, so you might want to beware of doing that yourself. You can listen to clips of audiobooks before buying and it is worth doing that. It would be grim if I bought a book and the narrator sounded like my mother!
Hugs right back to you.
#5
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 05:44:28 PMThis was the first day I managed, and I did both sessions. I loved the emphasis placed on Choice, like 3 different ways to do one exercise and you choose what feels best for your body. I have never been in any yoga 'place' where that was the case. In fact, always more like there is only one way OR later there's one normal way which can be altered like so or like so when your body can't manage physically.
I discovered how tense my body is, off the scale tense. And I don't want to feel it physically or feel into much either. Interestingly enough, I was able to relax a bit in both sessions, in the second session more my mind than my body. Still, I could feel this tiny sliver of relaxation.
I discovered how tense my body is, off the scale tense. And I don't want to feel it physically or feel into much either. Interestingly enough, I was able to relax a bit in both sessions, in the second session more my mind than my body. Still, I could feel this tiny sliver of relaxation.
#6
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: FREE Excellent Online Yoga...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 03:31:19 PMThank you 🙏
What a really great initiative! It's a shame it's only for a week — feels a bit too short.
I tried it today with my dog (who, by the way, is way too fond of claiming my yoga mat as her bed 😊).
I really appreciated the "no pressure" vibe and the "do it in your own pace" feeling.
It was the perfect thing to do after shoveling snow outside!
What a really great initiative! It's a shame it's only for a week — feels a bit too short.
I tried it today with my dog (who, by the way, is way too fond of claiming my yoga mat as her bed 😊).
I really appreciated the "no pressure" vibe and the "do it in your own pace" feeling.
It was the perfect thing to do after shoveling snow outside!
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:11:23 PMarmee, DF, hope, chart, TBB, hannah1 - thank you all for your incredible support as i'm working my way thru all this. the idea of pain, how these realizations are so painful, my tears are so painful - maybe they're holding the pain? i'm so sad - just realized this now, so sad for me, for what i've been thru. maybe crying, expressing my sadness and pain was ignored as a baby, and i learned not to show those. i broke that rule once when i was in jr. high, and the results were disastrous to me.
so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart! i don't know what to do with it. it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief. i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away. so, i'll keep exploding i guess.
i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts. it does hurt. it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it. so the tears come. i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears.
i don't know. i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out. at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it. i'm exhausted.
so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart! i don't know what to do with it. it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief. i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away. so, i'll keep exploding i guess.
i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts. it does hurt. it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it. so the tears come. i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears.
i don't know. i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out. at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it. i'm exhausted.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:50:02 PMhope, i'm so glad for you that this year you are feeling more pos. really am. i think that's the best. love and hugs
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:45:36 PMi think you do, too, SO. it was a really lovely poem. thank you for sharing it.
i like your analysis re: more space and silence. i've written poetry that was loud and raucous. i see poetry as painting by the mind, words being the colors we choose. everyone's palettes are different. this was nice. love and hugs
i like your analysis re: more space and silence. i've written poetry that was loud and raucous. i see poetry as painting by the mind, words being the colors we choose. everyone's palettes are different. this was nice. love and hugs
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:38:17 PMhannah1, the PT work sounds wonderful and i'm really glad for you that you're seeing such pos. results.
i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps. or none, according to how you feel about it.
when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents. needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality. it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked.
do what you need to do so you can feel better about you. you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want. choices and decisions - and lots of practice. it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be. love and hugs
i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps. or none, according to how you feel about it.
when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents. needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality. it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked.
do what you need to do so you can feel better about you. you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want. choices and decisions - and lots of practice. it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be. love and hugs