Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 10:53:35 PMI'm sorry PC, that's a lot, but like you say it's time to not have it as your story any more.
#2
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / FREE Excellent Online Yoga for...
Last post by Armee - Today at 09:25:49 PMThis is the trauma sensitive yoga program that started as a companion to Bessel van der Kolk's trauma center. These folks are really good at providing space for free choice and gentle body movement. This is different from most yoga programs. It is very gentle and easy. You are offered full choice with suggestions to consider, all online, very very trauma-informed, and cameras OFF.
Normally there is a registration process and small nominal fee for these but next week several sessions will be offered for free and without registration. I HIGHLY recommend these.
Times are Eastern United States time zone.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwjMC9wPCQA%3D--ef29c79f39612544c7ee2f4eaff78e5a78931d9a?skip_click_tracking=true
Normally there is a registration process and small nominal fee for these but next week several sessions will be offered for free and without registration. I HIGHLY recommend these.
Times are Eastern United States time zone.
https://www.healwithcfte.org/e/BAh7BjoWZW1haWxfZGVsaXZlcnlfaWRsKwjMC9wPCQA%3D--ef29c79f39612544c7ee2f4eaff78e5a78931d9a?skip_click_tracking=true
#3
General Discussion / Re: Trauma and Depression
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 09:14:21 PMQuote from: Blueberry on January 21, 2026, 11:12:32 PMThanks for commenting Teddy bear and bringing this old thread back up again! It's interesting for me to read again, including my own posts.
Last time I was in inpatient therapy my depression diagnosis was upped from: MDD Medium to: MDD Severe. Atm I'm struggling with almost everything: getting up, staying up, personal hygiene, cleaning, tidying, phoning friends (emails are a little easier but not as helpful as real person-to-person contact like hearing a real voice), going out of the house for a breath of fresh air...
Not so surprising, there are things it would be better to communicate to somebody which I am not doing and that tends to create a backlog of unprocessed emotions and then depression gets worse, in my case. I'm also feeling useless and feeling despair and that all feeds into the depression.
Seconding Sceal too, not that Sceal has been on the forum for a while I think.
Thank you, Blueberry,
Fortunately, I seem to be feeling better already, though just yesterday I was struggling with similar things to what you described. Hopefully, it's not just for today, and the positive trend continues.
(Probably, denying myself things I don't want to do, having rest, and focusing on pleasant and healthy things was useful for me—including more fresh air and walks, especially with sunshine.
Also, discussing the things that were bothering me most with some people from the 12-step program brought me some relief.)
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Dark.art.girl - Today at 07:21:08 PMI turned 25 this month!
Definitely still having some ups and downs from being reintroduced to some old traumas as previously said. It's lessened--I think since I was able to spend a lot of time with loved ones. I have some positive life changes ahead of me which has also been refreshing. New jobs, new places, new relationships maybe. I also had a very positive departure from my last job which felt good as that hasn't been the case in some jobs before.
My health is also making some big improvements which gives me a lot of relief, although it still isn't easy.
I'd also like to note that I am proud of myself for the steps I've taken to better some of my bad habits and I hope to continue that. Praying that improvements also continue with my intimacy issues. I won't say specifically but there have been some wins there, too.
Still wishing I was able to talk to a professional maybe. I go back and forth on it a lot but it isn't in the cards right now. I'll be good, though.
Chart, as always, thank you for your thoughtful response. PMR sounds like a very valuable tool--sometimes I feel a lot of tension everywhere in my body like I'm gonna burst. Maybe that would help keep me from boiling over when that feeling comes on.
I hope everyone here had a wonderful and love-filled holiday season. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers each night--you deserve it. xoxo
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 05:46:13 PMThey do morph and infiltrate don't they!?
Hooray for the adult NK in charge!
and keeping the self safe.
Hooray for the adult NK in charge!
and keeping the self safe. #6
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 05:01:30 PMI start every day by getting dressed. And the process is an exercise in being aware of my CPTSD. I start by making choices. What do I want to say today? How do I want to feel? And try things on until I feel an internal yes. I have to allow time for this. I cannot be rushed.
My parents would say this is frivolous, self-centered, ridiculous and inane. Who cares what you're wearing? Who do I think I am?
I get it. What a luxury to have thirty minutes to try on clothes. And new clothes! And impractical shoes! And yeah, who cares? No one. But I care how I feel. And I care about who I think I am. I care about what I want to say. And it's my life! It's now or never.... I ain't gonna live forever! I just wanna live while I'm alive.... Thanks, Bon Jovi! Getting dressed is about expressing who I am because that's what I want to do. And it's my life.
The process of getting dressed is an exercise in CPTSD. Which parts of me do I want to extrovert today and which parts do I want to protect and keep internal? I need to keep the child self with me in awareness, I need to embody the adult that I am, I need to exhibit intentionality and self control and I want to exhibit approachability and fun. I have to battle through the internal critic where everything I put on is ugly, makes me look like a slut, makes me look like a country bumpkin or a pretentious city slicker or makes me look too big or too small or.....
Getting dressed is worth spending time on. I start the day by making conscious choices, decisions. Not on automatic pilot, not being run by old programs, not unconscious. By the end of the process, I'm as embodied as I can get, as conscious as I can be, of who I am and what I am about that day. I've thrown off the nightmares, oriented to time and space, done a life review of all the me's I've ever been and am likely wearing remnants of each. I've got the childhood bracelet, the suit pants from my office jobs in my thirties, the slouchy sneakers from the teen years, the college t shirt over a lace blouse like my grandmother wore, the mom era jean blazer. I've got all of me.
If I just throw on sweatpants, I'm ripe for an emotional flashback, easy pickings for anyone who wants to ignore or disrespect me, set up to fail when I run into the school principal or a client, and skulking around trying to be invisible.
Better to show up as All of me.
My parents would say this is frivolous, self-centered, ridiculous and inane. Who cares what you're wearing? Who do I think I am?
I get it. What a luxury to have thirty minutes to try on clothes. And new clothes! And impractical shoes! And yeah, who cares? No one. But I care how I feel. And I care about who I think I am. I care about what I want to say. And it's my life! It's now or never.... I ain't gonna live forever! I just wanna live while I'm alive.... Thanks, Bon Jovi! Getting dressed is about expressing who I am because that's what I want to do. And it's my life.
The process of getting dressed is an exercise in CPTSD. Which parts of me do I want to extrovert today and which parts do I want to protect and keep internal? I need to keep the child self with me in awareness, I need to embody the adult that I am, I need to exhibit intentionality and self control and I want to exhibit approachability and fun. I have to battle through the internal critic where everything I put on is ugly, makes me look like a slut, makes me look like a country bumpkin or a pretentious city slicker or makes me look too big or too small or.....
Getting dressed is worth spending time on. I start the day by making conscious choices, decisions. Not on automatic pilot, not being run by old programs, not unconscious. By the end of the process, I'm as embodied as I can get, as conscious as I can be, of who I am and what I am about that day. I've thrown off the nightmares, oriented to time and space, done a life review of all the me's I've ever been and am likely wearing remnants of each. I've got the childhood bracelet, the suit pants from my office jobs in my thirties, the slouchy sneakers from the teen years, the college t shirt over a lace blouse like my grandmother wore, the mom era jean blazer. I've got all of me.
If I just throw on sweatpants, I'm ripe for an emotional flashback, easy pickings for anyone who wants to ignore or disrespect me, set up to fail when I run into the school principal or a client, and skulking around trying to be invisible.
Better to show up as All of me.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 03:59:13 PMDolly, this is super powerful stuff we're learning now about how we became these frightened little empathic victims of other people's mental illnesses. I was mob bullied in Catholic school. The victim of a permanent smear campaign that only got worse and worse until I was 14 and could escape them. The campaign was started and fueled by my best, best, best friend, who turned out to be a narcissist that wanted to kiss me when I was 8 and when I didn't want to kiss him back, he smeared my reputation by telling the entire school that I was gay and he wasn't. Because it was a religious school, that was about the worst reputation a boy could have, and I had no way of defending myself. Even the teachers, priests and nuns believed it. The damage was especially horrific since at home, I was being blamed for the family's mistakes and unhappiness, and all of my medical and social needs were being discounted as me "trying to get attention."
(Note: About having been abused for being gay as a child in the 1970s; I grew up to be a fierce advocate for friends and peers within the LGBTQ community. I learned, the hard way, that it isn't about being gay that causes so much pain, but it's the way peers treat and isolate gay children that does the damage.)
The book itself is still on an Amazon truck somewhere, so I downloaded the Audible version and listened to the first two chapters this morning. It put me into the fetal position and had me holding back tears for a half hour. I had to stop at the end of chapter two as the immense weight of all that truth was coming down on me like 10 feet of snow in 20 minutes. I guess that could be likened to being buried under an avalanche.
I can't thank you enough right now for sharing that book with me. I'm right at the perfect point in my healing to be ready for the full weight of what it's saying.
(Note: About having been abused for being gay as a child in the 1970s; I grew up to be a fierce advocate for friends and peers within the LGBTQ community. I learned, the hard way, that it isn't about being gay that causes so much pain, but it's the way peers treat and isolate gay children that does the damage.)
The book itself is still on an Amazon truck somewhere, so I downloaded the Audible version and listened to the first two chapters this morning. It put me into the fetal position and had me holding back tears for a half hour. I had to stop at the end of chapter two as the immense weight of all that truth was coming down on me like 10 feet of snow in 20 minutes. I guess that could be likened to being buried under an avalanche.
I can't thank you enough right now for sharing that book with me. I'm right at the perfect point in my healing to be ready for the full weight of what it's saying.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 02:15:37 PMQuote from: Papa Coco on Today at 01:56:41 PMDolly, I'm expecting the book about scapegoating to arrive from Amazon today.
That comment you made, that fawning, and that for whatever reason we do it, it separates us from our authentic self is a good eye opener for me today. I can suddenly see how I am not living my life to be what I was created to be, but rather to serve others in order to feel safe. I spend most of my energy trying to feel safe, not so much from wild animals or storms, but from people. And not as much from strangers, but I mostly feel like I need to feel safe from the people I know; Family. Friends and peers.
Talk about a lose/lose dichotomy: I yearn for attachment, while being afraid of attachment. How does one find peace when he is afraid of what he wants?
Exactly, and I feel the same way. It's like a little dance I do with people, they can get close, but not TOO close. Ingrid Clayton describes the experience as fawning where you keep that little bit of Self for you when there is danger coming at you (paraphrasing). In essence, why do I think there is danger coming at me from "safe" people? I think this is maybe where the scapegoating and Betrayal Trauma (that Mandeville talks about in the scapegoating book) come in. No one was ever safe in my family, just the illusion of safe, so how do I know that that looks and feels like when I never had it? I guess knowing is one of the first steps to working to heal it.
Interestingly, she talks about Betrayal Trauma as also including institutions, and made me think of your comment about the church.
Hope you get something out of the book.
Sending you support
dolly
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 02:09:28 PMNarcs. The gifts that just keep on giving. 
I've been doing well and I need to hold onto that because it is very easy to lose sight of my real progress when my FOO continue with their antics. I may do an entry in the private journal area with the specifics. Suffice to say here that my M continues with hoovering and discards such that I am not actually sure which is which! I know that sounds peculiar but some things feel like one and the other at the same time. I wrote about Schrödinger's jealousy elsewhere on the forum and right now it seems Schrödinger is taking over my life.
The latest is a holiday she is taking to a place that I like and never would have thought she would go. It was a reliable safe space and now it is not. She tried to get me to go with her because she knows I like it. Is that a hoover? Could be. Though she denied all knowledge that I am going there myself later this year so maybe it's a discard. She knows I am going there because my husband told her at Christmas. I tell her nothing if I can possibly help it and then try to keep it to after the event.
Really, what does it matter? Hoover or discard, it's all stuff I need to keep away from.
What does matter is that Little NK has taken it very badly. She thinks the place will be infected by M having been there months earlier. I found myself seriously thinking about the cleaning protocols. Like a little kid worrying about cooties. But she has also noted that M specifically chose a place she knows I like and then asked me to accompany. So maybe M wants me there. Adult NK knows perfectly well she wants me there to glorify her and carry her bags and keep the FOO show on the road. That the venue was chosen precisely because it is a place I like and therefore would be more tempting.
I got unexpectedly upset during the session with T. It seems there is some sort of yearning for a loving mother even though as far as I can tell every single part of me loathes and fears my actual mother and wants nothing to do with her.
I've been trying to work out when the different parts of me gave up on ever getting anything worthwhile from my M. I am pretty sure that whatever any of them wants, it is not her. And I wonder whether teenage NK could ever have held out hope for something from M when a younger part had already written her off. Do older parts evolve from younger ones? It's a mystery.
What was really noticeable was that I had a FOO visit yesterday, the day after my difficult session with T and the first time I would see M face to face to hear all about her holiday plans. The young parts were nowhere to be seen and the visit was actually quite pleasant. I felt that adult NK was totally in charge. I didn't feel the usual enormous rush of relief when I left and I didn't think I would need to decompress. And I didn't, in the usual way where I clearly understand I have to be mindful of my emotions. I just suddenly found myself feeling utterly exhausted, physically and mentally, half way through the evening. Clearly I did have some sort of need to decompress, and I was being careful, but the need manifested in a very different way yesterday. Today I have had various minor disruptions and irritations and they are taking a lot out of me, so the visit took its toll, just not in quite the usual way.
I find it amazing how she manages to infiltrate and spoil everything. She has done it for ever. Like a great mould fungus. Next thing I know she will be taking up a gym habit so I can't even be sure I would never find her in a gym. Sigh.
I've been doing well and I need to hold onto that because it is very easy to lose sight of my real progress when my FOO continue with their antics. I may do an entry in the private journal area with the specifics. Suffice to say here that my M continues with hoovering and discards such that I am not actually sure which is which! I know that sounds peculiar but some things feel like one and the other at the same time. I wrote about Schrödinger's jealousy elsewhere on the forum and right now it seems Schrödinger is taking over my life.
The latest is a holiday she is taking to a place that I like and never would have thought she would go. It was a reliable safe space and now it is not. She tried to get me to go with her because she knows I like it. Is that a hoover? Could be. Though she denied all knowledge that I am going there myself later this year so maybe it's a discard. She knows I am going there because my husband told her at Christmas. I tell her nothing if I can possibly help it and then try to keep it to after the event.
Really, what does it matter? Hoover or discard, it's all stuff I need to keep away from.
What does matter is that Little NK has taken it very badly. She thinks the place will be infected by M having been there months earlier. I found myself seriously thinking about the cleaning protocols. Like a little kid worrying about cooties. But she has also noted that M specifically chose a place she knows I like and then asked me to accompany. So maybe M wants me there. Adult NK knows perfectly well she wants me there to glorify her and carry her bags and keep the FOO show on the road. That the venue was chosen precisely because it is a place I like and therefore would be more tempting.
I got unexpectedly upset during the session with T. It seems there is some sort of yearning for a loving mother even though as far as I can tell every single part of me loathes and fears my actual mother and wants nothing to do with her.
I've been trying to work out when the different parts of me gave up on ever getting anything worthwhile from my M. I am pretty sure that whatever any of them wants, it is not her. And I wonder whether teenage NK could ever have held out hope for something from M when a younger part had already written her off. Do older parts evolve from younger ones? It's a mystery.
What was really noticeable was that I had a FOO visit yesterday, the day after my difficult session with T and the first time I would see M face to face to hear all about her holiday plans. The young parts were nowhere to be seen and the visit was actually quite pleasant. I felt that adult NK was totally in charge. I didn't feel the usual enormous rush of relief when I left and I didn't think I would need to decompress. And I didn't, in the usual way where I clearly understand I have to be mindful of my emotions. I just suddenly found myself feeling utterly exhausted, physically and mentally, half way through the evening. Clearly I did have some sort of need to decompress, and I was being careful, but the need manifested in a very different way yesterday. Today I have had various minor disruptions and irritations and they are taking a lot out of me, so the visit took its toll, just not in quite the usual way.
I find it amazing how she manages to infiltrate and spoil everything. She has done it for ever. Like a great mould fungus. Next thing I know she will be taking up a gym habit so I can't even be sure I would never find her in a gym. Sigh.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 01:56:41 PMDolly, I'm expecting the book about scapegoating to arrive from Amazon today.
That comment you made, that fawning, and that for whatever reason we do it, it separates us from our authentic self is a good eye opener for me today. I can suddenly see how I am not living my life to be what I was created to be, but rather to serve others in order to feel safe. I spend most of my energy trying to feel safe, not so much from wild animals or storms, but from people. And not as much from strangers, but I mostly feel like I need to feel safe from the people I know; Family. Friends and peers.
Talk about a lose/lose dichotomy: I yearn for attachment, while being afraid of attachment. How does one find peace when he is afraid of what he wants?
HannahOne; I homed in on your comment that simulators do teach the body cognitive reactions to keep the plane in the air, but that accountability is absent. I hadn't thought it through that far. Simulations are excellent cognitive teaching skills, but without the accountability, they are only one leg of a three-legged stool. As an example, simulation video games do a lot to remove accountability from the act of shooting simulated people, and running them over with simulated cars, teaching the skills but not the emotional bond we have that should make us want to do no harm to others.
AI is a soulless therapist. It knows all the words but doesn't feel the music. One of the key components to modern day trauma-informed therapy, is that the true masters of the art become partners with their clients in the healing process. My therapist sits close to me, facing me, intently watching my eyes and body movements, and caringly adjusts his presence based on watching my reactions and "feeling my vibes". He knows the truth, that the one thing my traumatized self needs the most is that I need to feel "felt" by another human soul. Proving to me that he can feel what I'm feeling is how he expresses true care for me, and for his other clients, and that's what separates him from all the CBT therapists I'd had for the first 20 years of my searching for one that could actually help.
I live for soul-to-soul connection. A good human therapist who cares gives me that. AI is a research tool. It's helpful, but that's all it is. It doesn't smile at me. I find myself tempted to thank it when it helps, but that's where I feel the disconnect. How stupid is it to thank a machine for saying the right words?
San, Yup. Safety. The more I learn about myself from this credit card robbery, the more I see how many of my thoughts and actions would be far less burdensome if I could just feel safe. I spend more money and energy on insurances, locks, surveillance and backup supplies as I do on just living the life I would live if I felt safe. Ever since the robbery, I've been on edge. I'm feeling a lot more control now, but still not sleeping. All night long, I'm in dreams and nightmares that I'm being accused of things I didn't do, or that I'm being trapped and crushed under trees, and stuff like that. I wake up almost as tired as when I went to bed. If I could feel safe, I could feel free. And if I could feel free, I could do great things.
I am still buried under a mountain of past events and fears. I am still tyring to declutter my home, my files, my mind...and I'm still frustrated beyond reason by the pain and torture I do to myself when I try and try and try to declutter and organize my life. Everything I want to give away or sell or dispose of calls out to me "Papa Coco, you used to want me. Don't abandon me! You might need me some day. You'll be ashamed of yourself if you give me away and then find out you need me again."
I have recently begun to try to focus on the journey, and not the end result. It may take 10 years to declutter my home and garage. I have to stop being frustrated that the 10 years isn't done yet. I need to feel a small success at the end of each small release, rather than finish cleaning out a box and then focusing on the thousand boxes still in the pile.
My clutter is a security blanket that I'm suffocating under. I feel safer when I have more than I need, rather than living on the edge of trusting that I'll have what I need when I need it. Most animals live freely, eating when they find food and moving on. I can't feel safe doing that. I don't trust that there will be food tomorrow, so, to feel safe, I buy two of everything and store it wherever I can find a few inches of empty space.
My clutter issue is about feeling vulnerable and not ready for anything and not trusting that life will provide what I need when I need it. Deep down, I'm still that little boy who can't keep up with the other kids, because I'm being lied to and lied about and whatever is mine, is up for grabs when I can't lock it up or hide it from my own family and friends.
That's where I need healing. Feeling safe. If I can feel safe, I can live more in the moment, and less in what I call "PRE-Traumatic Stress Disorder". I'm locked into past fears that I use to prove I need to be afraid that I won't survive tomorrow. I'm so focused on the past and future that I'm not enjoying today.
That comment you made, that fawning, and that for whatever reason we do it, it separates us from our authentic self is a good eye opener for me today. I can suddenly see how I am not living my life to be what I was created to be, but rather to serve others in order to feel safe. I spend most of my energy trying to feel safe, not so much from wild animals or storms, but from people. And not as much from strangers, but I mostly feel like I need to feel safe from the people I know; Family. Friends and peers.
Talk about a lose/lose dichotomy: I yearn for attachment, while being afraid of attachment. How does one find peace when he is afraid of what he wants?
HannahOne; I homed in on your comment that simulators do teach the body cognitive reactions to keep the plane in the air, but that accountability is absent. I hadn't thought it through that far. Simulations are excellent cognitive teaching skills, but without the accountability, they are only one leg of a three-legged stool. As an example, simulation video games do a lot to remove accountability from the act of shooting simulated people, and running them over with simulated cars, teaching the skills but not the emotional bond we have that should make us want to do no harm to others.
AI is a soulless therapist. It knows all the words but doesn't feel the music. One of the key components to modern day trauma-informed therapy, is that the true masters of the art become partners with their clients in the healing process. My therapist sits close to me, facing me, intently watching my eyes and body movements, and caringly adjusts his presence based on watching my reactions and "feeling my vibes". He knows the truth, that the one thing my traumatized self needs the most is that I need to feel "felt" by another human soul. Proving to me that he can feel what I'm feeling is how he expresses true care for me, and for his other clients, and that's what separates him from all the CBT therapists I'd had for the first 20 years of my searching for one that could actually help.
I live for soul-to-soul connection. A good human therapist who cares gives me that. AI is a research tool. It's helpful, but that's all it is. It doesn't smile at me. I find myself tempted to thank it when it helps, but that's where I feel the disconnect. How stupid is it to thank a machine for saying the right words?
San, Yup. Safety. The more I learn about myself from this credit card robbery, the more I see how many of my thoughts and actions would be far less burdensome if I could just feel safe. I spend more money and energy on insurances, locks, surveillance and backup supplies as I do on just living the life I would live if I felt safe. Ever since the robbery, I've been on edge. I'm feeling a lot more control now, but still not sleeping. All night long, I'm in dreams and nightmares that I'm being accused of things I didn't do, or that I'm being trapped and crushed under trees, and stuff like that. I wake up almost as tired as when I went to bed. If I could feel safe, I could feel free. And if I could feel free, I could do great things.
I am still buried under a mountain of past events and fears. I am still tyring to declutter my home, my files, my mind...and I'm still frustrated beyond reason by the pain and torture I do to myself when I try and try and try to declutter and organize my life. Everything I want to give away or sell or dispose of calls out to me "Papa Coco, you used to want me. Don't abandon me! You might need me some day. You'll be ashamed of yourself if you give me away and then find out you need me again."
I have recently begun to try to focus on the journey, and not the end result. It may take 10 years to declutter my home and garage. I have to stop being frustrated that the 10 years isn't done yet. I need to feel a small success at the end of each small release, rather than finish cleaning out a box and then focusing on the thousand boxes still in the pile.
My clutter is a security blanket that I'm suffocating under. I feel safer when I have more than I need, rather than living on the edge of trusting that I'll have what I need when I need it. Most animals live freely, eating when they find food and moving on. I can't feel safe doing that. I don't trust that there will be food tomorrow, so, to feel safe, I buy two of everything and store it wherever I can find a few inches of empty space.
My clutter issue is about feeling vulnerable and not ready for anything and not trusting that life will provide what I need when I need it. Deep down, I'm still that little boy who can't keep up with the other kids, because I'm being lied to and lied about and whatever is mine, is up for grabs when I can't lock it up or hide it from my own family and friends.
That's where I need healing. Feeling safe. If I can feel safe, I can live more in the moment, and less in what I call "PRE-Traumatic Stress Disorder". I'm locked into past fears that I use to prove I need to be afraid that I won't survive tomorrow. I'm so focused on the past and future that I'm not enjoying today.