Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 03:03:24 AMNarcKiddo, that was definitely a tantrum! LOL. Throwing a fit, I call it. I just don't want this, I don't wanna, I donwanna, I can't..... Sigh. And yes Frank was surely demonstrating! I can and I will.
A little more peace about it all today. I'm sure it will be up and down. Thank you for reading and commenting. It's good to remember this is all a human experience and we have all faced similar issues in the past in our FOO, and may face similar situations and challenges in the future too with illness or job change or whatever.
I had to remind myself today, HANNAHONE that's why the CANCER CENTER exists, because SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE CANCER that people actually spend their lives learning about how to help! This is a common human experience and not personal to me at all. It's a different kind of trauma, the natural disaster, the natural disease.... it's not interpersonal trauma. I keep making it personal and interpersonal. And it just isn't. It's just a fact. As Marcine might say
Marcine is so clear-eyed. I go in and out of clarity. Right now, a bit more clear, thanks to friends here. Thank you.
A little more peace about it all today. I'm sure it will be up and down. Thank you for reading and commenting. It's good to remember this is all a human experience and we have all faced similar issues in the past in our FOO, and may face similar situations and challenges in the future too with illness or job change or whatever.
I had to remind myself today, HANNAHONE that's why the CANCER CENTER exists, because SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE CANCER that people actually spend their lives learning about how to help! This is a common human experience and not personal to me at all. It's a different kind of trauma, the natural disaster, the natural disease.... it's not interpersonal trauma. I keep making it personal and interpersonal. And it just isn't. It's just a fact. As Marcine might say
Marcine is so clear-eyed. I go in and out of clarity. Right now, a bit more clear, thanks to friends here. Thank you. #2
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 02:57:19 AMTheBigBlue, thank you so much for sharing your experience with cancer. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And not entirely knowing how CPTSD was making it harder at the time.
Thank you for allowing me to talk about it here. In future I will try to do better with trigger warnings.
And thank you for the kind words. More and more and more the last few months I am genuinely glad to be here and not of two minds about it. I am much more present and experiencing in the moment the good things, the blue light on the snow, the water that comes out of the kitchen sink, sharing air with a child studying, making lentil soup. In some ways I feel like I've kind of just arrived, so I don't wanna leave now! LOL. My goal is just that I get the best quality of life I can have in the face of this and I think surgery is what will give me that. Feeling somewhat hopeful.
Thank you for allowing me to talk about it here. In future I will try to do better with trigger warnings.
And thank you for the kind words. More and more and more the last few months I am genuinely glad to be here and not of two minds about it. I am much more present and experiencing in the moment the good things, the blue light on the snow, the water that comes out of the kitchen sink, sharing air with a child studying, making lentil soup. In some ways I feel like I've kind of just arrived, so I don't wanna leave now! LOL. My goal is just that I get the best quality of life I can have in the face of this and I think surgery is what will give me that. Feeling somewhat hopeful.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 02:52:35 AMMarcine, thank you so much for commenting. I realize I should have put a trigger warning on the post. I will try to be more mindful in future.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I so admire how you handled it. It also gives me a path in mind to follow. I do have to build the team and then have what faith with them I can.
I will be reaching out for sure. I can't carry it myself. Meanwhile I spoke to the hus-bun. He's making me an appointment at his hospital to talk to the surgeon there and scheduled all the other tests I need today. That he can do and he did. Also, he struggled up the stairs and took down the trash I wanted to wait to tell kids much until I know what's actually going to happen, am I going to be reduced in function from a medication for the next few years or am I going to be recovering from surgery in the next months ahead. My one kid can't handle anything, let alone weakness in me. It will be harder for me if they are dysregulated, much harder. But already my energy is off and they're picking up on it so I am going to attend their therapy session next week and get help to communicate the minimum of my situation for a shared understanding. Hus-bun will talk to the other kid this weekend, that kid will handle it fine. In my case my life is currently not in danger so they don't have to fear that. Just having a little less of a functioning mom for a bit.
Thank you for revisiting your painful experience to mine something to help me now. I'm SO glad you are here, now.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I so admire how you handled it. It also gives me a path in mind to follow. I do have to build the team and then have what faith with them I can.
I will be reaching out for sure. I can't carry it myself. Meanwhile I spoke to the hus-bun. He's making me an appointment at his hospital to talk to the surgeon there and scheduled all the other tests I need today. That he can do and he did. Also, he struggled up the stairs and took down the trash
I wanted to wait to tell kids much until I know what's actually going to happen, am I going to be reduced in function from a medication for the next few years or am I going to be recovering from surgery in the next months ahead. My one kid can't handle anything, let alone weakness in me. It will be harder for me if they are dysregulated, much harder. But already my energy is off and they're picking up on it so I am going to attend their therapy session next week and get help to communicate the minimum of my situation for a shared understanding. Hus-bun will talk to the other kid this weekend, that kid will handle it fine. In my case my life is currently not in danger so they don't have to fear that. Just having a little less of a functioning mom for a bit.Thank you for revisiting your painful experience to mine something to help me now. I'm SO glad you are here, now.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - Today at 01:44:49 AMI guess after my wonderful experience skiing, feeling so good about myself, it's not that surprising that I would have a backlash of crushing self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy. It's not like that has never happened before! Just have to ride it out and not take it too seriously.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / opening up to support
Last post by moshi - February 12, 2026, 09:59:57 PMim really happy to have found this forum and hope to feel less alone.
what i am really looking for is to feel understood through this group of tender folks. going through life understanding and empathising with others is exhausting to some extent for me because it often doesn't feel reciprocal. i struggle knowing if that is true or its the wiring in my brain telling me otherwise. i oscillate between feeling deeply connected to anti-social behaviours. i desire at least 1 friend that empathises with me, not to trauma-bond but to just feel a little less invisible. i dont desire to be anti-social but it is my way of coping when i dont feel connected enough.
right now, im going through an anti-social cycle and giving myself permission to ride that wave without judgment and judgment of others. the fear of loss is resting with me. its inspired me to find this community, and at the very least, connect in this way so i don't lose myself in this cycle and fall back into a pattern where i disappear from everyone's life because i feel like a victim.
its hard to experience a wound you can't show another and say please help me stop the pain
what i am really looking for is to feel understood through this group of tender folks. going through life understanding and empathising with others is exhausting to some extent for me because it often doesn't feel reciprocal. i struggle knowing if that is true or its the wiring in my brain telling me otherwise. i oscillate between feeling deeply connected to anti-social behaviours. i desire at least 1 friend that empathises with me, not to trauma-bond but to just feel a little less invisible. i dont desire to be anti-social but it is my way of coping when i dont feel connected enough.
right now, im going through an anti-social cycle and giving myself permission to ride that wave without judgment and judgment of others. the fear of loss is resting with me. its inspired me to find this community, and at the very least, connect in this way so i don't lose myself in this cycle and fall back into a pattern where i disappear from everyone's life because i feel like a victim.
its hard to experience a wound you can't show another and say please help me stop the pain
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 12, 2026, 09:13:06 PM
(If that's ok)
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by MiaBailey - February 12, 2026, 08:32:10 PMYep, once you allow yourself to fully know this stuff there's really no going backwards. It's that quote from the Velveteen Rabbit of "once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
For a long, long time I was a perfectionistic overachieving workaholic family law attorney. Overcompensation and outrunning my demons was a very, very busy and productive distraction from a tremendous amount of pain. Stopping the busyness is difficult because those demons are mean.
For a long, long time I was a perfectionistic overachieving workaholic family law attorney. Overcompensation and outrunning my demons was a very, very busy and productive distraction from a tremendous amount of pain. Stopping the busyness is difficult because those demons are mean.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 12, 2026, 08:01:45 PMWow - this hits home hard.
My life wasn't identical - we were poor, my father was narcissistic, and I was the body-shamed scapegoat. My mother used me as her regulating container (resulting in parentification/horizontal enmeshment). She did love me, and she was traumatized herself - that explains a lot, but it doesn't excuse it. Even without malicious intent, the impact was very real.
But the lived experience and the long-term effects feel strikingly similar to what you described: invisibility, being silenced, no internal sense of safety, abandonment issues, no fully developed self, no real self-worth - and so much shame. Of course I thought it was all my fault. I felt completely invisible - even to myself. From the outside, I was an accomplished, high-functioning academic. Inside, I felt broken.
About 11 months ago I "took the red pill" - started digging up repressed memories and bursting the bubble of a "protected childhood" my brain had selectively preserved so I could survive. Seeing the truth was painful, but also clarifying. My FOO (family of origin) has no idea about my diagnosis or struggles. I'm not sure I would have made it as far as I have without a good T (therapist) and the people on this forum.
And what you're describing counts and was real - even without bruises, even without witnesses.
My life wasn't identical - we were poor, my father was narcissistic, and I was the body-shamed scapegoat. My mother used me as her regulating container (resulting in parentification/horizontal enmeshment). She did love me, and she was traumatized herself - that explains a lot, but it doesn't excuse it. Even without malicious intent, the impact was very real.
But the lived experience and the long-term effects feel strikingly similar to what you described: invisibility, being silenced, no internal sense of safety, abandonment issues, no fully developed self, no real self-worth - and so much shame. Of course I thought it was all my fault. I felt completely invisible - even to myself. From the outside, I was an accomplished, high-functioning academic. Inside, I felt broken.
About 11 months ago I "took the red pill" - started digging up repressed memories and bursting the bubble of a "protected childhood" my brain had selectively preserved so I could survive. Seeing the truth was painful, but also clarifying. My FOO (family of origin) has no idea about my diagnosis or struggles. I'm not sure I would have made it as far as I have without a good T (therapist) and the people on this forum.
Quote from: MiaBailey on February 12, 2026, 07:05:26 PMNo one sees it. No one understands it. You aren't allowed to talk about it. No one believes you if your do.So I just want to say this clearly: we know. we believe you. we see you.
And what you're describing counts and was real - even without bruises, even without witnesses.
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I think I may have found m...
Last post by MiaBailey - February 12, 2026, 07:05:26 PMThank you for your words.
Yes, exactly, it IS the "what did not happen" paradox. Wow. It is the pain of being rendered invisible and of no value. It is the lack of love and nurturing and someone actually seeing you as a person. I was treated as a nuisance and a disruption to her life -- some "thing" that must be marginally tolerated. She was a woman in the early 1960s who was married to an "executive man," and she was expected to play the role of "stay at home mother." She wasn't a woman of the 1960s who wanted a career and was forced to stay home and raise a family; no, she didn't want a career, she didn't want children, she wanted to do the bare minimum. She wanted to play Goddess. Having change diapers and raise children was so pedestrian. So, she gave birth to us and then did nothing else. My brothers and I took care of each other.
My mom didn't cook or clean or anything resembling a domestic chore; she didn't do any mom activities either. For example, she didn't do hugs or homework or doctor's appointments or school trips or school meetings or girl scouts or sports or carpools or illness or birthday parties or boo-boos or birthday parties or holiday meals or talks about facts of life or girl things or anything that would resemble an investment in the development of a small human. She basically ignored us, like we didn't exist, and when my dad returned home from work at the end of the day, she'd give him a laundry list of our supposed infractions.
BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT, when we were out in public, she was mother of the year. Meryl Streep would be impressed with the acting skills of my mother.
So, there was no overt abuse. But, it was very much the "Death by a Thousand Cuts" coupled with very, very public gaslighting. It was basically the public image of look at these privileged kids from an affluent home with these wonderful parents. As a child, when the world perceives that you live this life of privilege, with these beautiful parents, and there are not broken bones or no overt things that you can point to it does a real number on your mind. You grow up feeling like you are the problem and that maybe you are an ungrateful jerk. No one sees it. No one understands it. You aren't allowed to talk about it. No one believes you if your do. My brothers won't talk about it.
I told my husband that me saying that I love you isn't as important as me saying that I TRUST YOU. I trust you is so much more difficult for me because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because of this inability to trust, I have been an introvert most of my life. II find comfort and safety in solitary activities. It's not that I don't like people, I do like people. I just start getting overwhelmed when it gets too "peopley."
Anyway. Venting I guess. Wow. That felt good to just purge just that little bit.
Yes, exactly, it IS the "what did not happen" paradox. Wow. It is the pain of being rendered invisible and of no value. It is the lack of love and nurturing and someone actually seeing you as a person. I was treated as a nuisance and a disruption to her life -- some "thing" that must be marginally tolerated. She was a woman in the early 1960s who was married to an "executive man," and she was expected to play the role of "stay at home mother." She wasn't a woman of the 1960s who wanted a career and was forced to stay home and raise a family; no, she didn't want a career, she didn't want children, she wanted to do the bare minimum. She wanted to play Goddess. Having change diapers and raise children was so pedestrian. So, she gave birth to us and then did nothing else. My brothers and I took care of each other.
My mom didn't cook or clean or anything resembling a domestic chore; she didn't do any mom activities either. For example, she didn't do hugs or homework or doctor's appointments or school trips or school meetings or girl scouts or sports or carpools or illness or birthday parties or boo-boos or birthday parties or holiday meals or talks about facts of life or girl things or anything that would resemble an investment in the development of a small human. She basically ignored us, like we didn't exist, and when my dad returned home from work at the end of the day, she'd give him a laundry list of our supposed infractions.
BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT, when we were out in public, she was mother of the year. Meryl Streep would be impressed with the acting skills of my mother.
So, there was no overt abuse. But, it was very much the "Death by a Thousand Cuts" coupled with very, very public gaslighting. It was basically the public image of look at these privileged kids from an affluent home with these wonderful parents. As a child, when the world perceives that you live this life of privilege, with these beautiful parents, and there are not broken bones or no overt things that you can point to it does a real number on your mind. You grow up feeling like you are the problem and that maybe you are an ungrateful jerk. No one sees it. No one understands it. You aren't allowed to talk about it. No one believes you if your do. My brothers won't talk about it.
I told my husband that me saying that I love you isn't as important as me saying that I TRUST YOU. I trust you is so much more difficult for me because I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because of this inability to trust, I have been an introvert most of my life. II find comfort and safety in solitary activities. It's not that I don't like people, I do like people. I just start getting overwhelmed when it gets too "peopley."
Anyway. Venting I guess. Wow. That felt good to just purge just that little bit.
#10
Symptoms - Other / Re: Complex Relational Trauma,...
Last post by Armee - February 12, 2026, 07:02:04 PMWow. Reciprocal empathy. That feels like the crux of growing up with a parent with a personality disorder.