Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 02:31:24 PMI don't well myself due to being sick and demanded for stuff like that and not taking me into consideration at all is unfair.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 02:25:42 PMMy grandma called me and asked if I'm at home and can chat. She wanted me to go with her for shopping my family's presents and help pick them out and because she gets dizzy on the elevator. It was a bit demanding that any day of the next week could I go. I said I'm busy and she was like is there really no day I could spare and when I said no, then she had this dissapointed voice. I mean not asking about how I feel or am at all, just go with her. She's also one of the narcissistic people.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:51:18 PMQuote from: Chart on Today at 12:24:26 PMRan, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
Thank you Chart.
I just needed to let it all out. It helped a little. #4
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: For those struggling with ...
Last post by Chart - Today at 12:41:42 PMWhat if we did an open zoom meeting during the holidays? Open to all. Not sure how we could structure it. Could be a little complicated... But I find the thought kinda warming...
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - Today at 12:24:26 PMRan, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:16:26 PM #8
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:11:13 PMThat sounds very stressful, San. 
#9
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: For those struggling with ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 11:55:04 AMThe holidays are a rough time for sure. Not helped by the endless "Hallmark" requirements. I think a lot more people than we think (not just in our immediate forum community) struggle with aspects of the holidays, but admitting this is not "the done thing". But as Blueberry found, as described above, when these issues are aired, understanding and empathy can arise in unexpected places.
I struggle horribly with the holidays. It starts in October with my birthday. Then there's a bit of a lull before the main holiday season, and then all my FOO have birthdays during the following eight weeks. I'd hoped after 2 or 3 years of therapy that things might feel a bit easier. Objectively I have to admit that things are a bit easier and I am handling things better. But Little NK still struggles massively with the whole thing and it does not take much to send me into an EF.
It brings comfort to know that everyone on the forum is here for everyone else. Whether they want active good thoughts or just silent companionship.
I struggle horribly with the holidays. It starts in October with my birthday. Then there's a bit of a lull before the main holiday season, and then all my FOO have birthdays during the following eight weeks. I'd hoped after 2 or 3 years of therapy that things might feel a bit easier. Objectively I have to admit that things are a bit easier and I am handling things better. But Little NK still struggles massively with the whole thing and it does not take much to send me into an EF.
It brings comfort to know that everyone on the forum is here for everyone else. Whether they want active good thoughts or just silent companionship.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 10:24:52 AMTw: grief and loss and trauma flashbacks. I try not to be descriptive. I removed one part that could be too descriptive.
I cried yesterday and today. It's still about the other forum. I keep checking it and then crying. Kinda like I lost a loved one and i'm grieving.
I wrote a letter and gave them human personality. I won't put it there, but maybe
I can in here. I don't name anyone. It's just a way to express how much it all meant to me. This place was tied to my identity, so it's like loosing my identity and home.
My letter
My dearest,
When we first met you were accepting, even though I was shy and anxious. You accepted things others couldn't see. I could say that I owe you my life.
You listened me. You allowed me to talk and be myself around you and made me feel seen, important and needed, when I felt unseen, worthless, unimportant, unneeded and unloved. Of course I got attached. You became my lifeline.
Feeling like I wanted to be around you and at the same time not wanting it was one of the hardest things to endure. And those other guys around you made me feel as if I can lose you at any given moment. That my role beside you will get replaced by someone else. Someone better. Someone more capable. Someone who you'll love more than what we had. I feared to be cast out of your life.
When I came back to you after spending time apart I saw that you were still the same. I felt relieved again as it seemed like you were your old self.
Then I don't know what happened. I started to feel like you didn't understand anything I told you and we fought often. I just wanted someone to understand and thought you'd be the one person who would understand me.
Then I got angrier than before. I said things to you that weren't said maliciously. My trauma came in the way. You felt cold. The way your brother treated women was wrong and you just laughed and said it's normal, when it was clearly not.
Why do people bring spirituality as part of their attraction? I understand being attracted to someone and soul connections, but it's different if someone puts femininity on spiritual pedestal and says that they are attracted to feminine spirit. It's called spiritual bypassing. The use of spirituality to exuse their behaviour to not seeing somone as a person. It can be used to using as an exuse to sexual assault.
It felt like the entire world had gone mad and celebrated them. Due to his words I experienced flashbacks again as I've been through sexual abuse. I haven't told you absolutely everything about that, but I was too scared to tell. I've been in the envirovment of mistrust so long. I don't know how people act normally or around eachother as I haven't been taught it all. Often I feel like a child in adult body.
Trauma and anger blur everything. I can't say I'm sorry about how I reacted as apologizing for my reaction would be diminishing my trauma and I've been told before to just get over my trauma or journal my feelings and I'm not even allowed to tell my feelings. All I can do is bottle them up.
I cried yesterday and today. It's still about the other forum. I keep checking it and then crying. Kinda like I lost a loved one and i'm grieving.
I wrote a letter and gave them human personality. I won't put it there, but maybe
I can in here. I don't name anyone. It's just a way to express how much it all meant to me. This place was tied to my identity, so it's like loosing my identity and home.
My letter
My dearest,
When we first met you were accepting, even though I was shy and anxious. You accepted things others couldn't see. I could say that I owe you my life.
You listened me. You allowed me to talk and be myself around you and made me feel seen, important and needed, when I felt unseen, worthless, unimportant, unneeded and unloved. Of course I got attached. You became my lifeline.
Feeling like I wanted to be around you and at the same time not wanting it was one of the hardest things to endure. And those other guys around you made me feel as if I can lose you at any given moment. That my role beside you will get replaced by someone else. Someone better. Someone more capable. Someone who you'll love more than what we had. I feared to be cast out of your life.
When I came back to you after spending time apart I saw that you were still the same. I felt relieved again as it seemed like you were your old self.
Then I don't know what happened. I started to feel like you didn't understand anything I told you and we fought often. I just wanted someone to understand and thought you'd be the one person who would understand me.
Then I got angrier than before. I said things to you that weren't said maliciously. My trauma came in the way. You felt cold. The way your brother treated women was wrong and you just laughed and said it's normal, when it was clearly not.
Why do people bring spirituality as part of their attraction? I understand being attracted to someone and soul connections, but it's different if someone puts femininity on spiritual pedestal and says that they are attracted to feminine spirit. It's called spiritual bypassing. The use of spirituality to exuse their behaviour to not seeing somone as a person. It can be used to using as an exuse to sexual assault.
It felt like the entire world had gone mad and celebrated them. Due to his words I experienced flashbacks again as I've been through sexual abuse. I haven't told you absolutely everything about that, but I was too scared to tell. I've been in the envirovment of mistrust so long. I don't know how people act normally or around eachother as I haven't been taught it all. Often I feel like a child in adult body.
Trauma and anger blur everything. I can't say I'm sorry about how I reacted as apologizing for my reaction would be diminishing my trauma and I've been told before to just get over my trauma or journal my feelings and I'm not even allowed to tell my feelings. All I can do is bottle them up.