Recent posts
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - Today at 03:52:24 AMIts very okay BigBlue. Thank you for completely understanding how I feel right now.
I feel like it's also some other things compounding and making me feel so bad (I shall discuss with my doctor!) I know I can solve this, but I am also so overwhelmed with what I need to do. I did finally join another forum after I wrote this and they immediately accepted me. I want to make a goal to write a post a day there to build community and new friends. I am too dependent on my partner to go out and interact. They're much better at it than I.
There's so much to do, but I shall do it. I solve things as they come.
I feel like it's also some other things compounding and making me feel so bad (I shall discuss with my doctor!) I know I can solve this, but I am also so overwhelmed with what I need to do. I did finally join another forum after I wrote this and they immediately accepted me. I want to make a goal to write a post a day there to build community and new friends. I am too dependent on my partner to go out and interact. They're much better at it than I.
There's so much to do, but I shall do it. I solve things as they come.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:25:16 AMThis really resonates with me, especially the sadness as a kind of compass, and the disorientation of not knowing who you are yet while still knowing that something needs to change. The tension between being "grateful" and still wanting more makes a lot of sense to me; it doesn't read as greed. It reads like a self that may be waking up and wanting room to breathe.
The longing for play stood out too. I've always loved play - I'm in my mid-50s, my office is stuffed with toys (mostly mind-teasing ones), and we play Catan almost every Friday with some of my work colleagues. In that same spirit, two weeks ago I started wheelchair table tennis - the first sport I've done in about 30 years. It was scary at first to start something new, but now I really like it. No big meaning attached, just movement and presence. It reminded me that play doesn't have to solve anything deep to matter.
Thank you for writing this so honestly. It feels like someone standing at the edge of something new - even if it's still scary and unclear.
(If that's ok)
The longing for play stood out too. I've always loved play - I'm in my mid-50s, my office is stuffed with toys (mostly mind-teasing ones), and we play Catan almost every Friday with some of my work colleagues. In that same spirit, two weeks ago I started wheelchair table tennis - the first sport I've done in about 30 years. It was scary at first to start something new, but now I really like it. No big meaning attached, just movement and presence. It reminded me that play doesn't have to solve anything deep to matter.
Thank you for writing this so honestly. It feels like someone standing at the edge of something new - even if it's still scary and unclear.
(If that's ok)
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by HannahOne - January 08, 2026, 10:57:59 PMThe clarity to know when you are done is priceless. And you have choices, power, to realize what was you, and what was her.
It sounds like you are now clear about having equal relationships with people who value and respect you and your experience, even if they don't understand it perfectly. Someone equally strong and clear and willing to be vulnerable as you are. That may not be as easy to find as your daily covert narc which are a dime a dozen, but you have the courage to stay aligned with how you feel.
Not responding is its own message, speaks louder than words.
It sounds like you are now clear about having equal relationships with people who value and respect you and your experience, even if they don't understand it perfectly. Someone equally strong and clear and willing to be vulnerable as you are. That may not be as easy to find as your daily covert narc which are a dime a dozen, but you have the courage to stay aligned with how you feel.
Not responding is its own message, speaks louder than words.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - January 08, 2026, 10:46:51 PMArmee, thank you for sharing your experience with IEP meetings! It's such a weird world, the SPED world of rules, meetings, evals etc. That's a lot of it, yes, I feel shame, like exposed, because my child isn't perfect and I feel blamed, or like their struggles shows something's wrong with me. But my child isn't a representation of me, they're their own person. I can't take credit for their good qualities so I can't take repsonsibility for their struggles either, it's not about my parenting it's about what the school is going to provide to help. It's tough as you know when the district says, about lifelong independently validated learning disabilities and neurodivergence, "Have you tried talking to them, Ms. HannahOne?" LOL. If I could talk them out of it, we wouldn't have a problem!
I wish you good luck at yours next week! Thankfully mine went well, the lawyer did all the talking, and we got enough of what we needed. I think I have a little mini PTSD reaction just to the idea of n IEP meeting. But in the present, it's ok.
Yeah Chart, why do I think it's my fault? I think it must be a habit, to have a sense of control. If it's my fault, somehow I could change it or control it, but I can't, my body's gonna do what it does. I did learn it's not unusual to have stitches push out. And yes it's easy to imagine insides unraveling! I have to reel myself in!
I wish you good luck at yours next week! Thankfully mine went well, the lawyer did all the talking, and we got enough of what we needed. I think I have a little mini PTSD reaction just to the idea of n IEP meeting. But in the present, it's ok.
Yeah Chart, why do I think it's my fault? I think it must be a habit, to have a sense of control. If it's my fault, somehow I could change it or control it, but I can't, my body's gonna do what it does. I did learn it's not unusual to have stitches push out. And yes it's easy to imagine insides unraveling! I have to reel myself in!
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - January 08, 2026, 10:45:09 PMHello again my journal and friends. Today, I feel sad. I think its good to feel sad, because when I'm low, I know that I am reaching a breaking point and I suddenly know what to do next. Being sad seems to be the only feeling that guides me.
I talked to my Therapist on Monday. It was helpful to talk to another person about the occurance of last month. I am no longer bothered by that. I have shredded the letter and made peace with how things are.
But now, I feel other things. I am overwhelmed by not knowing who I am. I am lonely being too scared to interact with others. I am still too passive and shy at my fairly-new job, which I begin to accept as a mere stepping stone to the next opportunity and a way to save a lot of money by doing not-that-hard work. I don't really fit in here. It's not a job that fits me, although I do need it to learn some things.
I am so scared of the future, but it always seems to work out. I think my hypervigilance just manifests what I need. I needed a job to move away and be safer, and I got it easily. Well, I do know from my good, previous job that easy isn't always good. This place is run so much different than the last, and on top of being a PTSD-ridden sensitive young person, I am unable to fastily assimilate. Each time I am told I am doing good, I am hurt by the critisms, mostly because I'm just not feeling it.
I think back to my childhood. I hate how I was treated so randomly. I was an angel and I was the devil. I was perfect, but yet everything was wrong. I see how it affects me to my core now. I want to continue to sit in my discomfort to learn.
But, I also know that I have settled for something "beneath me". I am scared of striving for what I love because it is a hard career path that I'll likely have to carve myself. I like working with others, and part of the reason my current job is so draining is that I am alone and yet expected to be a leader, but I am so isolated and can only do so much. I want to be a Graphic Designer. I want to make beautiful things and help others make beautiful things. I want to be given tasks and creatively execute them and get feedback and learn.
I feel like, though, I should be happy. I have a good job that pays well and has benefits and time for me to strive for other things. Yet, somehow, I am greedy, and I want more. Maybe it's because I don't have a private office. Maybe I'm experiencing autistic (or PTSD) burnout. I don't know what I really want. I know that I am sad. I know that I feel strongly.
I really ought to do something I want to but am scared of that really doesn't mean anything at all. I want to join a forum for fun things and just talk to others. I want to play games with random strangers and see what happens. I want my brain to stop constantly being on.
I applied to a master's program recently. I think depending on if I get into that, it'll tell me what I do next. I'd love to help my partner find a new job too, since theirs super sucks and I'm essentially holding us together. I want to do good by the world. I want to follow my values.
I guess I really want to be free and work hard for my pay, now.
I talked to my Therapist on Monday. It was helpful to talk to another person about the occurance of last month. I am no longer bothered by that. I have shredded the letter and made peace with how things are.
But now, I feel other things. I am overwhelmed by not knowing who I am. I am lonely being too scared to interact with others. I am still too passive and shy at my fairly-new job, which I begin to accept as a mere stepping stone to the next opportunity and a way to save a lot of money by doing not-that-hard work. I don't really fit in here. It's not a job that fits me, although I do need it to learn some things.
I am so scared of the future, but it always seems to work out. I think my hypervigilance just manifests what I need. I needed a job to move away and be safer, and I got it easily. Well, I do know from my good, previous job that easy isn't always good. This place is run so much different than the last, and on top of being a PTSD-ridden sensitive young person, I am unable to fastily assimilate. Each time I am told I am doing good, I am hurt by the critisms, mostly because I'm just not feeling it.
I think back to my childhood. I hate how I was treated so randomly. I was an angel and I was the devil. I was perfect, but yet everything was wrong. I see how it affects me to my core now. I want to continue to sit in my discomfort to learn.
But, I also know that I have settled for something "beneath me". I am scared of striving for what I love because it is a hard career path that I'll likely have to carve myself. I like working with others, and part of the reason my current job is so draining is that I am alone and yet expected to be a leader, but I am so isolated and can only do so much. I want to be a Graphic Designer. I want to make beautiful things and help others make beautiful things. I want to be given tasks and creatively execute them and get feedback and learn.
I feel like, though, I should be happy. I have a good job that pays well and has benefits and time for me to strive for other things. Yet, somehow, I am greedy, and I want more. Maybe it's because I don't have a private office. Maybe I'm experiencing autistic (or PTSD) burnout. I don't know what I really want. I know that I am sad. I know that I feel strongly.
I really ought to do something I want to but am scared of that really doesn't mean anything at all. I want to join a forum for fun things and just talk to others. I want to play games with random strangers and see what happens. I want my brain to stop constantly being on.
I applied to a master's program recently. I think depending on if I get into that, it'll tell me what I do next. I'd love to help my partner find a new job too, since theirs super sucks and I'm essentially holding us together. I want to do good by the world. I want to follow my values.
I guess I really want to be free and work hard for my pay, now.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - January 08, 2026, 08:10:04 PMYes, SO.
———————-
Line drawn
Self-respect
Clarity and compassion
Courage
Allegiance to your self
Your true friends applaud!
———————-
Line drawn
Self-respect
Clarity and compassion
Courage
Allegiance to your self
Your true friends applaud!
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - January 08, 2026, 07:33:05 PMAround Christmas, I got a WA message from a friend I haven't spoken to in a few years. One of those "stickers", I believe it's called. I never opened the message. A couple of things have happened over the years I really don't like. I was actually happy we lost touch. There was a hint of hesitation, out of decency, to respond. But nah, that doesn't align with how I feel.
I remember all the years of wrestling with mental health and not having the words to describe my experience to others. When I finally stumbled on the paradigm of CPTSD, it was a big relief. At some point I worked up the courage to tell my friend I have a complex form of PTSD. Not the best way to formulate it. But it didn't justify the contemptuous smile I got from her in response. I remained utterly friendly, and started to self gaslight.
A couple of years later, I was in a terrible space and we had a phone conversation. She referred to my recurring mental health issues as an addiction to drama. I told her I see that differently, but I never called her out on saying something so hurtful to somebody in such a terrible position. It's insensitive at best.
I've known her since I was a teen. Because I had very pour boundaries, it literally took me decades to see she likely has covert narc traits. She likes to provoke arguments, disguised as jokes. Than laughs about me getting triggered into dysregulation. She needs to be right at all time, and uses shame to manipulate me into fawning. She doesn't do equal. Or vulnerable. She's into power and superiority. Easily blames and contests, but responded as if deeply wronged when I once dared to make a mildly critical remark.
After I got heavily into healthy routines and had no problem sticking to them, she once referred to me as being a master at it. But with such intonation that it sounded like she blamed me for doing something bad. And plenty more of that kind of stuff. I think I became a mirror she didn't like to look into. Also by drinking aya and coming out a lot less vulnerable for undermining. I haven't heard much from her since. It all adds up.
It puzzles me I lasted so long with her, and that she was one of the first people I opened up to about my issues. All that time it never occurred to me that the tension I always felt when I visited her had little to do with me. She's twenty years my senior, but I can now see that she never was the adult in the room. The bottom line is, that I'm done with her.
I remember all the years of wrestling with mental health and not having the words to describe my experience to others. When I finally stumbled on the paradigm of CPTSD, it was a big relief. At some point I worked up the courage to tell my friend I have a complex form of PTSD. Not the best way to formulate it. But it didn't justify the contemptuous smile I got from her in response. I remained utterly friendly, and started to self gaslight.
A couple of years later, I was in a terrible space and we had a phone conversation. She referred to my recurring mental health issues as an addiction to drama. I told her I see that differently, but I never called her out on saying something so hurtful to somebody in such a terrible position. It's insensitive at best.
I've known her since I was a teen. Because I had very pour boundaries, it literally took me decades to see she likely has covert narc traits. She likes to provoke arguments, disguised as jokes. Than laughs about me getting triggered into dysregulation. She needs to be right at all time, and uses shame to manipulate me into fawning. She doesn't do equal. Or vulnerable. She's into power and superiority. Easily blames and contests, but responded as if deeply wronged when I once dared to make a mildly critical remark.
After I got heavily into healthy routines and had no problem sticking to them, she once referred to me as being a master at it. But with such intonation that it sounded like she blamed me for doing something bad. And plenty more of that kind of stuff. I think I became a mirror she didn't like to look into. Also by drinking aya and coming out a lot less vulnerable for undermining. I haven't heard much from her since. It all adds up.
It puzzles me I lasted so long with her, and that she was one of the first people I opened up to about my issues. All that time it never occurred to me that the tension I always felt when I visited her had little to do with me. She's twenty years my senior, but I can now see that she never was the adult in the room. The bottom line is, that I'm done with her.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by NarcKiddo - January 08, 2026, 05:31:42 PM #10
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by HannahOne - January 08, 2026, 05:09:15 PMHooray for kicking your PMR and exercises where it needed to be kicked!
Your experience of making deals and getting yourself to do it makes sense to me. A mammal won's explore if it doesn't feel safe. It will run, or hunker down. As infants we can't run. So, we hunker. Hunkering can increase fear chemicals, as those keep us still and safe... so it can be a relief to stand up. And, we need to get ourselves to the point where we CAN stand up. Motivation, making deals, time for our system to shift, and our brains to process.
Part of CPTSD is difficulty in relationships because they do wake up our wounds. The sense of what was lost or never there is profound. The wounds are in the nervous system of which the brain is just one part. I'm sorry you are going through this and also admire your courage to face it and make sense of your experience. May you recognize that gold soon.
Your experience of making deals and getting yourself to do it makes sense to me. A mammal won's explore if it doesn't feel safe. It will run, or hunker down. As infants we can't run. So, we hunker. Hunkering can increase fear chemicals, as those keep us still and safe... so it can be a relief to stand up. And, we need to get ourselves to the point where we CAN stand up. Motivation, making deals, time for our system to shift, and our brains to process.
Part of CPTSD is difficulty in relationships because they do wake up our wounds. The sense of what was lost or never there is profound. The wounds are in the nervous system of which the brain is just one part. I'm sorry you are going through this and also admire your courage to face it and make sense of your experience. May you recognize that gold soon.