Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 08:15:35 PMThank you everybody. Will respond later. Need to get something off my chest.
TW/mention of suicidality and self harm
My younger sister has three kids. Before they were born, I knew with absolute certainty they would be heavily impacted by their parent's trauma's. An unhinged cluster B father and a dreamy naive mother were fully committed to a fairy tale that could only end up a nightmare. And so it went. It's one of my deepest regrets that I haven't been able to prevent the inevitable. Yes that is an oxymoron. I know there was nothing I could do [I tried my very best], and I know I'm not even responsible. And still I feel this way. I still feel responsible. Because I know. And I knew. But they didn't. And they don't.
After, let's say, fifteen years of destruction, my sister finally ended the relationship and found a place for herself and her children. It was around the time when I entered the picture again, after a five year period of no contact with my whole family. Six years later, my sister told me that she had met another man, which she was very reluctant to share details about. When I met him, I quickly figured out why. However, I didn't know how bad it actually was. That's what I found out when I looked him up online. Long story short, been in prison for a significant time. Hasn't changed his ways since out. I extensively discussed it with friends. Greatly wrestled with the issue, and bent over backwards to find the right words to bring this up respectfully. I was preparing for the Camino, which was stressful in various ways. Something I had been working up to for two years or so.
Finally I talked to my sister. I expressed my concern. Thought we had a good conversation. It didn't take long that it became clear she was going for the fairy tail again though. When I found out, I was already out of the country, close to the start of the Camino. I got very angry that she had learned nothing from all those years, and all she put her children through. So I took some time to come to my senses before responding. She hadn't considered how her life choices affected the people around her, including me. And I did feel justified to express anger about that by stating that I felt angry, and that I had enough of her destructive patterns and choices. The way she responded expressed a complete disrespect for the challenge that I was about to take on. That was the last drop for me. I blocked her, and haven't spoken to her since. I don't know if I ever will again. I had supported her through thick and thin since I got back, and this is what I got. F you!
My first nights on the Camino, early 2024, I was suicidal because of this trigger. I managed to handle that mindfully, and with a few benzo's, and I did find my way into that which I was there for. Connection. It didn't take long before my niece started texting me. Her mother had been taken to the hospital in an ambulance because she collapsed. Her kids witnessed it all and her eldest had dialed 112 [our 911]. She was quickly released from the hospital because it was most likely a panic attack and exhaustion. Apparently soon after this my niece had exploded in rage and her mother had called the police on her. I'd forgive you if you wouldn't believe me if that happened on my nieces birthday. If that wasn't enough, she kicked my niece out of the house right after. The only person she could go to was her narc father. She texted me because there was nobody she knew who could help her. There was no way I was not going to help her the best way I could. So I was doing something that was already very challenging for me, and now I was managing a crisis that wasn't my own on top of it. This was very stressful. I was furious at my sister, and I was determined not to let this ruin my Camino. I only partially succeeded at that. While the others were supported by family and friends, and were having fun and could completely immerse themselves in the experience, I was on the phone with my niece every day, being there for her, while trying to figure out a solution for her terrible situation. Finally a good friend of mine offered that she could stay with her for a bit, which was a big relief. But my Camino had been greatly affected, if it hadn't already by the breakup.
The other day my other niece texted me. She's been struggling with quite serious mental health issues for a while. She told me she had almost been admitted to a psych ward or something like that, due to self harm. I feel similar to when her sister contacted me. Except I'm more concerned about this niece. She's a lot more vulnerable. Her parents don't know anything about trauma, let alone CPTSD. They passed it on because they never faced their shadow. They were never not going to pass all of it on. So this is yet another way that which I knew before she was born manifests. And again I feel responsible. Because I do know and did face what her parent's didn't. I hate to be right about this. And I have been for over two decades now. And still it hits me hard to be confronted with the bitter fruit that escapism inevitably bares. Especially for young people who have nothing to do with it.
There's one aspect about all of this that's very much about me. And that's that I haven't come to terms with my mother passing her trauma onto me because she refused to become an adult. That's part of why this, and all the other family crises throughout the years, gets/got to me. I'm still struggling to find my own words that I never spoke and need to speak, so many years later. How can I ever capture what has been done to me by my own mother in words? Words seem so utterly incapable of expressing what I've been trough. I need words, because that's how I need to express it to the person where it belongs.
TW/mention of suicidality and self harm
My younger sister has three kids. Before they were born, I knew with absolute certainty they would be heavily impacted by their parent's trauma's. An unhinged cluster B father and a dreamy naive mother were fully committed to a fairy tale that could only end up a nightmare. And so it went. It's one of my deepest regrets that I haven't been able to prevent the inevitable. Yes that is an oxymoron. I know there was nothing I could do [I tried my very best], and I know I'm not even responsible. And still I feel this way. I still feel responsible. Because I know. And I knew. But they didn't. And they don't.
After, let's say, fifteen years of destruction, my sister finally ended the relationship and found a place for herself and her children. It was around the time when I entered the picture again, after a five year period of no contact with my whole family. Six years later, my sister told me that she had met another man, which she was very reluctant to share details about. When I met him, I quickly figured out why. However, I didn't know how bad it actually was. That's what I found out when I looked him up online. Long story short, been in prison for a significant time. Hasn't changed his ways since out. I extensively discussed it with friends. Greatly wrestled with the issue, and bent over backwards to find the right words to bring this up respectfully. I was preparing for the Camino, which was stressful in various ways. Something I had been working up to for two years or so.
Finally I talked to my sister. I expressed my concern. Thought we had a good conversation. It didn't take long that it became clear she was going for the fairy tail again though. When I found out, I was already out of the country, close to the start of the Camino. I got very angry that she had learned nothing from all those years, and all she put her children through. So I took some time to come to my senses before responding. She hadn't considered how her life choices affected the people around her, including me. And I did feel justified to express anger about that by stating that I felt angry, and that I had enough of her destructive patterns and choices. The way she responded expressed a complete disrespect for the challenge that I was about to take on. That was the last drop for me. I blocked her, and haven't spoken to her since. I don't know if I ever will again. I had supported her through thick and thin since I got back, and this is what I got. F you!
My first nights on the Camino, early 2024, I was suicidal because of this trigger. I managed to handle that mindfully, and with a few benzo's, and I did find my way into that which I was there for. Connection. It didn't take long before my niece started texting me. Her mother had been taken to the hospital in an ambulance because she collapsed. Her kids witnessed it all and her eldest had dialed 112 [our 911]. She was quickly released from the hospital because it was most likely a panic attack and exhaustion. Apparently soon after this my niece had exploded in rage and her mother had called the police on her. I'd forgive you if you wouldn't believe me if that happened on my nieces birthday. If that wasn't enough, she kicked my niece out of the house right after. The only person she could go to was her narc father. She texted me because there was nobody she knew who could help her. There was no way I was not going to help her the best way I could. So I was doing something that was already very challenging for me, and now I was managing a crisis that wasn't my own on top of it. This was very stressful. I was furious at my sister, and I was determined not to let this ruin my Camino. I only partially succeeded at that. While the others were supported by family and friends, and were having fun and could completely immerse themselves in the experience, I was on the phone with my niece every day, being there for her, while trying to figure out a solution for her terrible situation. Finally a good friend of mine offered that she could stay with her for a bit, which was a big relief. But my Camino had been greatly affected, if it hadn't already by the breakup.
The other day my other niece texted me. She's been struggling with quite serious mental health issues for a while. She told me she had almost been admitted to a psych ward or something like that, due to self harm. I feel similar to when her sister contacted me. Except I'm more concerned about this niece. She's a lot more vulnerable. Her parents don't know anything about trauma, let alone CPTSD. They passed it on because they never faced their shadow. They were never not going to pass all of it on. So this is yet another way that which I knew before she was born manifests. And again I feel responsible. Because I do know and did face what her parent's didn't. I hate to be right about this. And I have been for over two decades now. And still it hits me hard to be confronted with the bitter fruit that escapism inevitably bares. Especially for young people who have nothing to do with it.
There's one aspect about all of this that's very much about me. And that's that I haven't come to terms with my mother passing her trauma onto me because she refused to become an adult. That's part of why this, and all the other family crises throughout the years, gets/got to me. I'm still struggling to find my own words that I never spoke and need to speak, so many years later. How can I ever capture what has been done to me by my own mother in words? Words seem so utterly incapable of expressing what I've been trough. I need words, because that's how I need to express it to the person where it belongs.
#2
Symptoms - Other / Re: Loneliness in CPTSD Is Not...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 08:13:48 PMAwesome post TBB! This would make a great article for the OOTS Blog if you ever feel like you want to write it up. (No pressure though). The blog is here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers.
#3
General Discussion / Re: Taking part in a research
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 08:10:18 PMThat's awesome Teddy Bear! I'd be interested to hear what the study is about if you're allowed to share about it.
#4
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Support and Recovery
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 08:02:53 PMHi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Mammatus 
A lot of us here are very familiar with perfectionism and being high achieving that never quite seems to fill in the emptiness and leaves us exhausted. It's tough we know so I'm glad you found us. I hope you find it helps to talk with others who do know what you are going through and can share what helped them and provide some support/comfort so those dark days are not quite as lonely and bleak.
A lot of us here are very familiar with perfectionism and being high achieving that never quite seems to fill in the emptiness and leaves us exhausted. It's tough we know so I'm glad you found us. I hope you find it helps to talk with others who do know what you are going through and can share what helped them and provide some support/comfort so those dark days are not quite as lonely and bleak.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 07:28:43 PMsending hugs filled with care and support, bach. we're all extra needy sometimes. at least i know i am.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:33:30 PMI hear you and I see you.
Sending more support
Sending more support
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - Today at 06:17:18 PMI wish I wasn't a black hole of neediness and dysfunction.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: My Story
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 05:51:35 PMWelcome, Dandelion22. I'm glad you found us, and glad you have access to therapy. I think many of us have struggled with recognising our backgrounds as traumatic, especially if we were decently cared for in a material sense in what outwardly appeared to be a "nice" family.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 05:47:27 PMHi, San. Yes, Luddite is a generally derogatory term these days. Originally the Luddites were people who worked in woollen mills. They objected to new machinery brought in and destroyed it because they feared it was going to take away their jobs (and they were probably correct!). Now it is generally used against people who wilfully refuse to adapt to new technology. Which is why I have applied it to my father but would never apply it to you. Not being good with technology is nothing to be ashamed of. That is likely to happen to us all as things move on. And will likely make all our lives a bit more inconvenient as we struggle to deal with innovations. I use the term Luddite against my father because he does not even try to get on board with technology that he does not want to get on board with. For instance he is totally fine with finding his way around his computer. He loves his emails and his internet. But he absolutely WILL NOT get to grips with a mobile phone. I am talking a basic one, not even a smartphone. I know he is perfectly capable but he does not want to be capable. The result is that others have to run around sorting things out for him, or have to turn up to his hospital bedside to impart a message because that is the only way they can. It's not an age thing and I do not use it as such. I'm sorry if it felt that way.