Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 05:05:22 AM I started this thread with a comment about feeling like an "imposter".
I officially rescind that. The cruel punchline is that this story, horrifying and shocking as it is, isn't the "bad part". It's just the preamble. Things would get MUCH worse later on.
Yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be.
Best,
-Slashy
I officially rescind that. The cruel punchline is that this story, horrifying and shocking as it is, isn't the "bad part". It's just the preamble. Things would get MUCH worse later on.
Yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be.
Best,
-Slashy
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 02:54:03 AM
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Miscellaneous ramblings of...
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 02:23:35 AMMostly ignoring or silencing, when there is no actual ask for help or input.
"They made their bed."
"Do as you please."
Hooray for boundaries, clarity, courage, reality!
"They made their bed."
"Do as you please."
Hooray for boundaries, clarity, courage, reality!
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 02:20:26 AMI have a self-centered habit of automatically assuming that everything that happens in my life, and in the life of those I love, or even in the life of those who are just around, is because I am bad.
LOL.
What if that's not it, HannahOne. What if, in fact, events are multifactorial, infinitely refracted over seconds, minutes, years and decades back into the past and actually have not one thing to do with me?
Scary. An unpredictable world over which I'd have... no control. Liberating. An unpredictable world over which I'd have...no control. Only sometimes controlling my own actions, in so far as I can.
Frank has pissed on the hallway rug. I am outraged, but I soften it immediately, because as soon as I feel the outrage, he crouches, head to the ground and freezes, eye dilating under the yellow hallway light. Sorry, Frank. What is this all about? He hops back to his room, chinning the wall. Was he just marking his territory? It appears so. That's a choice, Frank, I tell him.
Was it? Or was it instinct. I throw the rug in the wash. He never does that. Maybe once a year. He momentarily regressed to wild Frank. He's not a bad rabbit. He is just being a rabbit.
I have a lot of choices, a lot of control over my behavior. And, some things aren't my choice, they're instincts, just being a person. I'm not bad. Things happen.
Under outrage, Frank crouches. It's a freeze. A way to stay safe, to disappear into the rug's pattern when he feels predator aggression, so I don't hurt him for being a rabbit.
Does he feel shame? Shame is a freeze. It's protective. He doesn't choose it. It's instinct. Freezing is just being a rabbit. And it doesn't mean he actually did anything wrong.
Maybe shame isn't my choice either. Maybe it's instinct. Maybe it's just being a person. It doesn't mean I actually did anything wrong.
LOL.
What if that's not it, HannahOne. What if, in fact, events are multifactorial, infinitely refracted over seconds, minutes, years and decades back into the past and actually have not one thing to do with me?
Scary. An unpredictable world over which I'd have... no control. Liberating. An unpredictable world over which I'd have...no control. Only sometimes controlling my own actions, in so far as I can.
Frank has pissed on the hallway rug. I am outraged, but I soften it immediately, because as soon as I feel the outrage, he crouches, head to the ground and freezes, eye dilating under the yellow hallway light. Sorry, Frank. What is this all about? He hops back to his room, chinning the wall. Was he just marking his territory? It appears so. That's a choice, Frank, I tell him.
Was it? Or was it instinct. I throw the rug in the wash. He never does that. Maybe once a year. He momentarily regressed to wild Frank. He's not a bad rabbit. He is just being a rabbit.
I have a lot of choices, a lot of control over my behavior. And, some things aren't my choice, they're instincts, just being a person. I'm not bad. Things happen.
Under outrage, Frank crouches. It's a freeze. A way to stay safe, to disappear into the rug's pattern when he feels predator aggression, so I don't hurt him for being a rabbit.
Does he feel shame? Shame is a freeze. It's protective. He doesn't choose it. It's instinct. Freezing is just being a rabbit. And it doesn't mean he actually did anything wrong.
Maybe shame isn't my choice either. Maybe it's instinct. Maybe it's just being a person. It doesn't mean I actually did anything wrong.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Living As All of Me
Last post by HannahOne - Today at 02:06:40 AMNK I am so glad you have been able to make progress with this!
I am taking this to heart "It happened after I was able to accept logically, if not emotionally, that there might be a way to calm Little NK and other parts, and that I needed to try to communicate with her."
A way to calm, a way to communicate. I need to communicate with myself. All of myself. I may not feel I can, feel it would work, but I can accept logically that it worked for NK so it could work for me, that it's possible.
The dial might be communication with myself. And communicating safety, compassion. Not shame, punishment, disappointment, rejection, fury that once again, I've skipped out on myself, what's wrong with me, why do I always do this....
thank you.
I am taking this to heart "It happened after I was able to accept logically, if not emotionally, that there might be a way to calm Little NK and other parts, and that I needed to try to communicate with her."
A way to calm, a way to communicate. I need to communicate with myself. All of myself. I may not feel I can, feel it would work, but I can accept logically that it worked for NK so it could work for me, that it's possible.
The dial might be communication with myself. And communicating safety, compassion. Not shame, punishment, disappointment, rejection, fury that once again, I've skipped out on myself, what's wrong with me, why do I always do this....
thank you.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:32:01 AMyour contagious healthy steps have taken hold of me, blueberry. not only did my feet waggle, but i did some weights today as well. thank you so for your inspiration! love and hugs 
#7
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 23, 2026, 11:28:17 PMQuote from: TheBigBlue on February 23, 2026, 06:23:31 PMThat's where this framing feels a bit too simplified to me. It focuses largely on deprivation (what was missing), which may not fully capture developmental/relational injuries, e.g. those that are rooted in emotional overuse or responsibility for a parent. Those conditions shape the nervous system differently, and "going back to feel what I didn't get" can sometimes feel less clarifying than invasive.
That hits the mark with me. I can go back and ponder an astonishing long way, but doing so is highly upsetting. It skyrockets my anxiety because my subconscious doesn't like me poking around too much.
I've done a lot of historical reconstruction over the past year, and while that was crucial at certain points, I also reached a stage where adding more memory detail stopped changing meaning.
Preach it!!
I'm not quite at the point yet where adding details to the timeline has stopped changing meaning. I just have to learn when to take a break so I don't get overwhelmed.
Best,
-Slashy
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - February 23, 2026, 11:11:18 PM It's all fine folks. No worries. 
I dug up some dirt sleuthing around and it's shocking and a bit distressing.
My mother was a bigamist from 1964 through 1974. She married her first husband in Maryland in 1959 and moved to Pittsburgh. She married my father in Pittsburgh in 1964. She maintained married legal names and residence in both households simultaneously through 1974.
So when she left us with the babysitter and disappeared, she had abandoned us. Her first husband didn't know about us. We were her dirty little secret.
She didn't begin seeking us out until after her first husband figured out what was going on and kicked her out.
She ditched us with the abusive babysitter and we ended up in foster care! And she was fine leaving us there until he kicked her out.
I feel some kinda way about that...
I dug up some dirt sleuthing around and it's shocking and a bit distressing.
My mother was a bigamist from 1964 through 1974. She married her first husband in Maryland in 1959 and moved to Pittsburgh. She married my father in Pittsburgh in 1964. She maintained married legal names and residence in both households simultaneously through 1974.
So when she left us with the babysitter and disappeared, she had abandoned us. Her first husband didn't know about us. We were her dirty little secret.
She didn't begin seeking us out until after her first husband figured out what was going on and kicked her out.
She ditched us with the abusive babysitter and we ended up in foster care! And she was fine leaving us there until he kicked her out.
I feel some kinda way about that...
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by TheBigBlue - February 23, 2026, 09:56:23 PMHi, welcome Seeking to Survive 
I'm really glad you found your way here. What you describe - i.e. leaving a toxic situation and realizing you can't heal in isolation anymore - makes a lot of sense, and you're not alone in that.
Reaching out after being cut off or "trained" not to ask for help can be incredibly hard. I hope this community can be one place where you feel less alone while you build the support you deserve, at your own pace. Sending you support.
I'm really glad you found your way here. What you describe - i.e. leaving a toxic situation and realizing you can't heal in isolation anymore - makes a lot of sense, and you're not alone in that.
Reaching out after being cut off or "trained" not to ask for help can be incredibly hard. I hope this community can be one place where you feel less alone while you build the support you deserve, at your own pace. Sending you support.
#10
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Re: How Trauma Affects Memory
Last post by dollyvee - February 23, 2026, 09:23:55 PMHi TBB,
I get what you're saying and glad you found something that works for you. I think the paragraph is a simplified version as well perhaps. However, I also think that people can function fully from the intellect where the underlying trauma is never dealt with precisely because it is never felt. Ingrid Clayton makes a good case for this in Fawning where she says that she managed to get a PHD in psychology, but never touched on her own trauma until she started doing somatic work.
What I do think she gets right is that one needs help and the brain isn't going to let go without being safe and supported. To me, that is the tricky part where the unearthing and layers come in, at least for me because it takes a lot of work to understand what I really need. I spent years at the therapist before I tried IFS, which actually felt like it was the first thing to bring me in direct contact with my emotions. I have basically been living my entire life in my head and it's very easy to continue to do that, but I don't think it's healing. Of course, just diving in and feeling things can be retraumatizing, which is why I think the safe and supported part is paramount.
dolly
I get what you're saying and glad you found something that works for you. I think the paragraph is a simplified version as well perhaps. However, I also think that people can function fully from the intellect where the underlying trauma is never dealt with precisely because it is never felt. Ingrid Clayton makes a good case for this in Fawning where she says that she managed to get a PHD in psychology, but never touched on her own trauma until she started doing somatic work.
What I do think she gets right is that one needs help and the brain isn't going to let go without being safe and supported. To me, that is the tricky part where the unearthing and layers come in, at least for me because it takes a lot of work to understand what I really need. I spent years at the therapist before I tried IFS, which actually felt like it was the first thing to bring me in direct contact with my emotions. I have basically been living my entire life in my head and it's very easy to continue to do that, but I don't think it's healing. Of course, just diving in and feeling things can be retraumatizing, which is why I think the safe and supported part is paramount.
dolly