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#1

Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...

Last post by Chart - Today at 09:45:31 PM

Hello Asdis, I'm here and I have witnessed your pain. I am thinking about you and sending thoughts of simplicity and balance.
Much love, chart

#2

Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Looking for hope...

Last post by Chart - Today at 07:29:05 PM

Now, I'm all alone in the hardest moments of my life and I don't see a meaningful future for me. It's been so long, too long, and I've had no enduring relief from my CPTSD. If anything, it's gotten worse in the last four years.

Hi Ray, Welcome to the Forum. I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. I'd like to give you my opinion regarding a couple questions and observations you have posed.

There is a general undercurrent belief that Cptsd does not get worse. What happens however, is that we become more conscious of what happened to us, and that realization is extremely triggering and can be a great cause of increased pain. For many many trauma survivors, there is a long period of coming to terms with what actually happened. It (rightfully so) remains incredibly difficult to realize just how bad things were. This process is discussed in depth in Pete Walker's seminal work, "Cptsd, From Surviving to Thriving". I don't know if you are familiar with his books, but if not it is an excellent starting point and even contains incredible insights for those who have been conscious of their pathology for awhile.

I guess my question now is if healing is even possible. I wonder, are there any people out there who have actually healed from CPTSD? What helped you? Is there any hope for me??

It it course matters what you mean by "healing". Healing from developmental trauma is comparable to other physical injuries. Healing occurs, but there remain scars. And often, the wound causes pain even after all has "healed". And someone who has lost a leg, cannot expect it to grow back. Does this mean they are not healed? Does this mean they cannot lead a meaningful life? Wounds, even serious ones, do not imply there is no longer meaning in life.

So, in my opinion, yes, there is hope for you. Please see yourself as I see you right now. You are here reading these words. Yesterday, you did not know what you would do or where you would go. Today you have taken a chance to reach out, question, seek, communicate, try to find answers to the things that are the most important. Why are we here? What are we doing? What brings joy? Why so much pain? I think many people just turn on their tv and ignore their pain. You have not done that. For me, You are the definition of Hope.

I could have died in my mother's womb. I lived in extremely adverse conditions for four years and then suffered the toxic behavior of another care-giver who was impelled to strangle and manipulate to ease her own pain. I lived in fear, anxiety and depression for fifty years. I searched the whole time for answers. It was a long road, but now I know. I understand the mechanisms on a corporal, mental and spiritual level. I've instituted practices that help me on a daily basis. I have a great relationship with my two youngest children. I have made connection and friends who understand my experience, as it is nearly the same as their own.

I want to improve, and struggle still. But now I have the key, it's called developmental trauma, and there are things that I can do. Ultimately, I'm on the right path and the healing has become the journey, not the goal.

Again, welcome. Looking forward to sharing our experiences and this strange voyage together.
Chart
 

#3

Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...

Last post by asdis - Today at 07:14:18 PM

asdis, my heart goes out to you.

#4

Recovery Journals / Re: I Am

Last post by Bach - Today at 06:50:36 PM

Gabor Mate, who writes a lot about addiction, says that it can be helpful to examine what the good things are about using whatever it may be. What does it provide? He points out that in the absence of physiological addictions via their mothers, babies are not born addicted. At some point somebody tries something and wham! It has an effect they want to repeat. He also posits that no substance on earth can be described as intrinsically addictive, because there are many people who can dabble even with stuff like heroin and not become addicted. Therefore, in working out why we reach for whatever, we need to think about what we like about it. It has to be doing something that feels good or reducing something that feels bad. Once we truly work out what service it is actually providing we can give better consideration to whether that can be addressed by something else.

I guess you maybe could think about what cannabis does that ice cream does not.

 

This is interesting and useful stuff, NK.  I'm thinking about how I have at times in my life smoked cigarettes but have never been addicted to the point where I wasn't able to just decide I wanted to put them down and then do it.  And I know that some people have terrible addiction problems with klonopin, but I've had a low-dose scrip for that for 30+ years and the only time I've taken it even once daily for more than a week was after 9/11.  I attribute this not so much to my good habits and self-discipline as to the fact that those substances just don't do anything majorly exciting for me.  Cigarettes were more of a social thing for me, and klonopin is useful but only in occasional small doses to supplement all the other mental and physical coping methods I've developed to manage my anxieties.  It's very effective in that capacity without too much downside, but it doesn't give me any enjoyable feelings in and of itself, and gets evil very quickly if I take too much or take it too often. 

My remark about ice cream was sort of a joke.  I do love ice cream, but I've never been "addicted" to it the way I am or have been addicted to cannabis.  Ice cream was a too-frequent binge event for me but not a daily preoccupation.  And ice cream never helped me function.  Cannabis does in a weird way help me function.  It's something of a stimulant for me.  It doesn't always feel GOOD, but it makes me feel like doing constructive things.  I figured out a couple of years ago that I easily default to a state of freeze these days, and cannabis can kind of prod me out of that.  It enables me to feel my body more clearly.  It also helps with the suicide voices.  Again, it doesn't necessarily make me feel GOOD if I'm feeling that kind of bad, but it sort of changes how the badness feels, turns it more outward than inward.

The big downside is that the positive effects don't always last that long and my tolerance builds quickly, which leads to overconsumption which increases negative effects.  The main negative effects are that it can make me irritable and more easily triggered into fight-or-flight, it unbalances my appetite and makes it very hard for me to not either overeat or undereat, and it messes with my sleep.  So, yeah, lots of upside when I'm using it mindfully and moderately, lots of downside when I'm in tired old compulsive unrewarding use patterns. 


Yeccch.  I HATE thinking about this!

#5

Parenting / Re: Explaining your history to...

Last post by Chart - Today at 05:53:14 PM

My own mother trauma dumped her horrific childhood on me, crying in my bed when I was a toddler and throughout my life. So I went the other way completely. Lately I've been questioning if that's fair or reasonable, I feel like I'm withholding part of their legacy as well, like part of their medical And I guess I feel dishonest to brush off the question, like I"m invalidating her sense.... but I don't know how to answer.

Boy does that sound familiar. I remember explicitly the very last time I "took care" of my mother... she was crying on her bed and I came in and "had" to console her. Of course, her weeping was all about her and she was upset that she was such a horrible mother and that her son was chronically depressed because of her... All of it completely true, looking back. But of course I comforted her and told her, no, it was just "normal" what I was going through. I was literally folding in on myself with horrible feelings of inadequacy and severe depression, and I denied it all... all so that she wouldn't feel so bad... Ugh! I have NEVER done anything remotely similar to my children, and I'm very happy and proud of that.

Regarding "how to answer" questions from your children... What I do is just state the facts. I answer the question literally and as accurately as possible, with just the information. Then I let that information "be". Perhaps there will be more questions, perhaps not. I have a long relationship with my kids. What they can understand will also change over time as they have their own experiences and grow.

Another possibility is to use a family therapist to participate in a session with one or both of your children to discuss this subject. That might make things easier for you, for everyone, having a third party present holding the space, creating a container as it's often put.

Just some ideas and thoughts. Hope that you can work towards some peace in this trans-generational transmission of your lived experience.
Sending support and hugs
 

#6

Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...

Last post by Chart - Today at 05:24:14 PM

 

#7

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 04:29:49 PM

So sorry San! Sending you a big hug from Holland. 

#8

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 04:08:29 PM

I'm very sorry you've been feeling so sick for such a long time again. Sending you lots of love to warm your heart a little bit. I hope you feel better soon.

 

#9

Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...

Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 03:32:20 PM

I was interested to read your comments about that photo, with you performing and your M looking insecure. I've noticed, when properly looking at some old family photos, that my M often looks insecure in them. She never struck me that way at the time, no doubt due to me being young and cowed by her cloud of power, and it's weird now to see what I could never see then.

Yes, that is interesting. The picture was taken towards the end of her life, after her second husband had died and she seemed to have dropped her mask so to speak. It seems underneath that harsh and distant exterior was a very insecure person indeed.

#10

Recovery Journals / Re: the next step

Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:46:49 PM

i was so optimistic when i began this journal, now i'm just sick and miserable again, have been for most of the past 6 wks.  will this never end?