Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:47:43 PMChart, I'm very aware I'm not an expert here, so please take this only as thinking out loud, not conclusions or advice. But reading what you wrote made me wonder about the quality of that sleep rather than the quantity.
What you describe doesn't sound like restorative rest so much as a very deep shutdown - almost a dorsal-vagal refuge. Given the repeated danger tied to mornings in your childhood, it would make sense if sleep became the safest possible state when threat felt unavoidable. In that light, sleeping "through anything" feels less like ease and more like a remarkably effective survival adaptation.
The part about anxiety being strongest while horizontal really stood out to me. Lying down is such a vulnerable, childlike position: no agency, no readiness. Standing up changes orientation, control, and capacity to act. It makes sense to me that your nervous system would settle once you're upright again.
And the coffee piece is fascinating. Research is mixed on coffeein and trauma, but subjectively it sounds like coffee may interrupt that collapse state, pulling you out of shutdown, restoring activation, clarity, agency and control. If so, that "coffee junkie" habit reads less like a casual quirk, and more like a smart, high-functioning way your system found to regulate emotional flashbacks when nothing else was available.
If any of that resonates, it really highlights how adaptive you were in an unsafe environment, but also how sad it is that you had to be. Many of us here learned similar workarounds just to get through the day.
Thank you for sharing this. It gave me a lot to think about. 💛
What you describe doesn't sound like restorative rest so much as a very deep shutdown - almost a dorsal-vagal refuge. Given the repeated danger tied to mornings in your childhood, it would make sense if sleep became the safest possible state when threat felt unavoidable. In that light, sleeping "through anything" feels less like ease and more like a remarkably effective survival adaptation.
The part about anxiety being strongest while horizontal really stood out to me. Lying down is such a vulnerable, childlike position: no agency, no readiness. Standing up changes orientation, control, and capacity to act. It makes sense to me that your nervous system would settle once you're upright again.
And the coffee piece is fascinating. Research is mixed on coffeein and trauma, but subjectively it sounds like coffee may interrupt that collapse state, pulling you out of shutdown, restoring activation, clarity, agency and control. If so, that "coffee junkie" habit reads less like a casual quirk, and more like a smart, high-functioning way your system found to regulate emotional flashbacks when nothing else was available.
If any of that resonates, it really highlights how adaptive you were in an unsafe environment, but also how sad it is that you had to be. Many of us here learned similar workarounds just to get through the day.
Thank you for sharing this. It gave me a lot to think about. 💛
#3
Recovery Journals / the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:10:56 PMi'm in a new mind place again, which marks the next step for me. i have a doc now, one, which i haven't had in i can't even tell how long. maybe not since i was a kid. for some reason my memory of doctors in my past has been being shoveled from one to another. even the ones i thought were going to be the ones to take care of me - 2 that i remember, one for childbirth, one for general - both were called away at a crucial time in my medical history, and i had strangers, once again, doing whatever procedure was important at that moment.
so, i never felt like i could say 'my doctor said or did this or that', or had one who knew me and my history. and in mexico, unless you paid out of pocket, which i couldn't do, the health service was a series of revolving doctors in training (they were sent to our small town to do their internship, so to speak, but it wasn't supervised, nothing like what we have here in the states, they spent a year in our town, then would move on to the big city). so, health care there was spotty at best. i mean, the cancer which continued to crawl across my head for over 15 yrs was diagnosed alternately as eczema or psoriasis. it wasn't till i got back to the states that a doc took one look and gasped in astonishment, too biopsies on the spot. turns out it was 2 types of cancers, and he saved my life, literally.
at any rate, i'm now here, planning to stay here, and have an established doctor for the first time in a very long time. it's a new feeling, kinda good, actually, settled, strong, reliable. that's nice.
and another next step is getting a new T, which i'm in the process of doing. that will feel nice, too, especially if i can find one i work well with. we'll see. so, step by step . . .
so, i never felt like i could say 'my doctor said or did this or that', or had one who knew me and my history. and in mexico, unless you paid out of pocket, which i couldn't do, the health service was a series of revolving doctors in training (they were sent to our small town to do their internship, so to speak, but it wasn't supervised, nothing like what we have here in the states, they spent a year in our town, then would move on to the big city). so, health care there was spotty at best. i mean, the cancer which continued to crawl across my head for over 15 yrs was diagnosed alternately as eczema or psoriasis. it wasn't till i got back to the states that a doc took one look and gasped in astonishment, too biopsies on the spot. turns out it was 2 types of cancers, and he saved my life, literally.
at any rate, i'm now here, planning to stay here, and have an established doctor for the first time in a very long time. it's a new feeling, kinda good, actually, settled, strong, reliable. that's nice.
and another next step is getting a new T, which i'm in the process of doing. that will feel nice, too, especially if i can find one i work well with. we'll see. so, step by step . . .
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:58:21 PMthanks, SO. it is, indeed, but the more i think about it, the more sense it makes to me. those messages that were already established by the time i was 4? 5? had to have started quite a while before to be so firmly ingrained in my little mind that i couldn't go to my M w/ a question. hmmm . . . 
just realized i'm over my self-imposed limit of 25 pages for a journal, so i'll go start a new one now.
just realized i'm over my self-imposed limit of 25 pages for a journal, so i'll go start a new one now.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:55:18 PMdang, chart, that makes a lot of sense to me. at least, the idea that sleep was a protective agent for you so you didn't have to hear what was going on, which, i'm assuming, was pretty scary for a kid. and mornings being so terrible for you, well, that's when the screaming would be happening, right? sounds like real-time triggers, over and over. how awful for you! so, if sleep and the aftermath of sleep, which would be mornings, trigger the awfulness of what you went thru, it also makes sense to me that coffee would kind of block all that and put you on your way to some sense of normalcy, it being a trigger of your own to get you out of the feelings of the past.
and if none of this makes sense to you, please ignore. just thinking out loud.
at any rate, i'm glad you have coffee to stop the effects of the past. it might not have to be forever, but for now it seems to help a lot. love and hugs
and if none of this makes sense to you, please ignore. just thinking out loud.
at any rate, i'm glad you have coffee to stop the effects of the past. it might not have to be forever, but for now it seems to help a lot. love and hugs
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:43:07 PMSO, hope you keep feeling better, both physically and emotionally. glad you have your shrink today to help you manage all that's going on. also looking forward to you being able to run again. love and hugs
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 02:35:43 PMHello, and welcome. I have no experience of DBT but would love to hear how you get on if you choose to try it.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hello
Last post by EB - Today at 02:14:45 PMGreetings samereflection1001 
Yes! The difference between ptsd and c-ptsd was profound for me-and really helpful. And yes, a club I did not want to belong to but here we are and it's great to have company.
I know of DBT but have not experienced it specifically although my therapist probably uses some of those techniques.
It is evidence based which matters greatly to me. I.e. has this actually helped other people?.
EMDR and Internal Family Systems have helped me greatly.
Therapy is a commitment and the right therapist for you, almost regardless of technique , is key in my experience.
Feeling better, more whole has been possible for me.
And from the depths of my heart, I hope the same for you.
Yes! The difference between ptsd and c-ptsd was profound for me-and really helpful. And yes, a club I did not want to belong to but here we are and it's great to have company.
I know of DBT but have not experienced it specifically although my therapist probably uses some of those techniques.
It is evidence based which matters greatly to me. I.e. has this actually helped other people?.
EMDR and Internal Family Systems have helped me greatly.
Therapy is a commitment and the right therapist for you, almost regardless of technique , is key in my experience.
Feeling better, more whole has been possible for me.
And from the depths of my heart, I hope the same for you.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:25:45 PMI'm glad you're feeling a bit better, physically at least. And I hope you have decent weather for your bike ride to the shrink. I also hope you are able to allow a little extra time and take it easy. I've also been laid low with some seasonal lurgy and various other things have taken up time so am just now catching up with journals.
#10
Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 11:56:53 AMQuote from: DD on December 18, 2025, 09:30:08 AMWhat if it isn't selfishness at all? What if doing that is an integral part of being a healthy human being? My mind runs from any hint at selfishness as dangerous due to my past. So I am learning to think that it is not that but the fundamental right of human beings to notice their limitations, boundaries, resources, and needs. And to communicate them in a respectful way to others. As well as then limiting the access of anyone who does not agree to them.
Because to ignore my needs and boundaries, isn't it to ignore my humanity and my value? And anyone repeatedly doing this would then inherently be unsafe to be around if they do not stop and repair? What do you all think?
I think this is an incredibly insightful way to look at it. I do feel like my body (and subconscious) have other ideas at times and that's where I find the problem that when faced with "danger" it will just switch into the fawn or freeze response. I guess at the moment I'm trying to understand what that concept of "danger" is? Like any kind of conflict or power struggle seems to flick the switch as I call it, and I'm trying to unpack that. Even if my brain says one thing, it's like my body does another.