Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Marcine’s journaling forward
Last post by Marcine - Today at 06:36:24 PMWell, here I am doing exactly what triggers me deeply— being vulnerable and exposing the soft belly of my self... I thought I could never post a recovery journal, that it would be too dangerously serving myself up to be eaten alive... and here I am.
Logically, I know that I am writing here because it is a safe place on this forum and that I have experienced connection and kinship with others here.
Emotionally, I crave to connect authentically and I am terrified to connect authentically.
What an intense, churning mix of feelings.
The more I have inched my way out in the social world as authentic me (a relatively recent phenomenon) the more I anticipate facing the old terrors, the boogey man, the rhino in James and the Giant Peach... But, I find there's no epic threat, no terrifying villain, no do-or-die existential danger... and this is very confusing.
Sitting with this confusion shows me that the old dangers were real, that the old equations of authenticity=death were lies, and that I can maybe-kinda-sortof BE in the present.
That's more of an intellectual understanding.
Right now, my heart is pounding, a headache is throbbing— I see you, old warnings of danger. Thank you for being of service and helping alert me during times of survival in the past.
I release you from service now. This newness is not dangerous.
And even as I wonder "what have I done?" by writing this, I shall tap on "post" and, after clinging to the shore for so long, I leap into the wild, vast current of being human me.
Logically, I know that I am writing here because it is a safe place on this forum and that I have experienced connection and kinship with others here.
Emotionally, I crave to connect authentically and I am terrified to connect authentically.
What an intense, churning mix of feelings.
The more I have inched my way out in the social world as authentic me (a relatively recent phenomenon) the more I anticipate facing the old terrors, the boogey man, the rhino in James and the Giant Peach... But, I find there's no epic threat, no terrifying villain, no do-or-die existential danger... and this is very confusing.
Sitting with this confusion shows me that the old dangers were real, that the old equations of authenticity=death were lies, and that I can maybe-kinda-sortof BE in the present.
That's more of an intellectual understanding.
Right now, my heart is pounding, a headache is throbbing— I see you, old warnings of danger. Thank you for being of service and helping alert me during times of survival in the past.
I release you from service now. This newness is not dangerous.
And even as I wonder "what have I done?" by writing this, I shall tap on "post" and, after clinging to the shore for so long, I leap into the wild, vast current of being human me.
#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Introduction
Last post by DawnMaria - Today at 06:35:05 PMHello. DawnMaria here. 59 y/o female, from Vermont. Struggling a lot (Survival mode) and Trauma responses F,F,F,F. I have been working with a Trauma therapist weekly for the past 9 consecutive years, but added mental/emotional stress has caused much to resurface in the past few months. I'm feeling very alone right now.
#3
Successes, Progress? / Setting boundaries
Last post by LadyBoar - Today at 05:48:23 PMHello everyone,
The other day my mom asked me, for the millionth time, if I'll go back home to visit. (I live in a different country than my original family).
Usually I lie, I said IDK, maybe, well try or something like that to soften the blow (and the reactions from it).
But this time I could not do it. I could not betray the neglected child I once was. I answered "No." But my mom wanted a answer that would soothe her, so she then asked "But you WANT to come, right?"
Once again the immediate response I was trained to give, to always say yes, always soothe them, always protect their feelings, was not so inevitable now. Now I can say what is truth to myself. And I said it, my answer was "honestly, no."
I feel so free. And I feel so proud of myself for protecting my inner child.
My mom will ask again, eventually, and she'll try to get the answer she wants, she (and my grandma and my sister) might try to make me feel bad, or they might wait until I let my guard down to bombard me with their demands. But I know how possible it is to say what I want to say. And how good it feels to be myself.
Glad to share it with all of you.
The other day my mom asked me, for the millionth time, if I'll go back home to visit. (I live in a different country than my original family).
Usually I lie, I said IDK, maybe, well try or something like that to soften the blow (and the reactions from it).
But this time I could not do it. I could not betray the neglected child I once was. I answered "No." But my mom wanted a answer that would soothe her, so she then asked "But you WANT to come, right?"
Once again the immediate response I was trained to give, to always say yes, always soothe them, always protect their feelings, was not so inevitable now. Now I can say what is truth to myself. And I said it, my answer was "honestly, no."
I feel so free. And I feel so proud of myself for protecting my inner child.
My mom will ask again, eventually, and she'll try to get the answer she wants, she (and my grandma and my sister) might try to make me feel bad, or they might wait until I let my guard down to bombard me with their demands. But I know how possible it is to say what I want to say. And how good it feels to be myself.
Glad to share it with all of you.
#4
AV - Avoidance / Re: Fearful avoidance
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:39:15 PMHaving trouble with relationships is very common for us so you're not alone in that respect Ran. And really, it's no wonder we are anxious avoidant, etc., considering the trauma we've experienced in relationships. What helped me to be less reactive was I started to hang onto the thought that not everyone wants to hurt me, that there really are good people out there and if I let my guard done a bit at a time I will be OK. Like anything with CPTSD it takes time and practice, but IMO it's worth it to keep looking for the good, healthy people we can trust and be safe with.
Re: seeing issues and feeling you have to change people is a tough one I know. I too have felt that I need to speak up and sometimes I still do, as in when the persona crosses a line. At the same time I can now see that some things may not be important enough to speak up about and I drop it, let it go to the universe and carry on with my day. It's very freeing but again, it takes practice.
Hope this is helpful
Re: seeing issues and feeling you have to change people is a tough one I know. I too have felt that I need to speak up and sometimes I still do, as in when the persona crosses a line. At the same time I can now see that some things may not be important enough to speak up about and I drop it, let it go to the universe and carry on with my day. It's very freeing but again, it takes practice.
Hope this is helpful
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head
Last post by Chart - Today at 04:22:50 PMWelcome to the Forum LadyBoar, I moved to another country, away from my family over twenty years ago. Have never regretted or looked back. Currently very low contact with my narcissistic mother. Recently had a call with her where she exploded and gaslit, outrageous and incoherent... after all these years, after all my learning and self-work, it really had hardly any impact on me. Every time she just more deeply reinforces what I already know: She is the one twisted and ill inside her being and to her core. I've found freedom from her toxicity and come to see and love myself in a whole new way.
Happy to make your acquaintance!
Chart
Happy to make your acquaintance!
Chart
#6
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: (Warning: PA, SA , EA talk...
Last post by Chart - Today at 03:23:42 PM #7
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Chart - Today at 03:12:02 PMTrauma brings so many of our behaviors to a unhealthy level, be it eating, sleeping, exercise, almost everything. There is always a healthy balance to strike. Trauma skews this equilibrium, so that the great majority of our behaviors are "beneficial" to being "safe" but detrimental to nearly everything else.
Trauma healing (imo) is the slow and methodical unraveling of all these aspects of ourselves that came about through mistreatment and abuse, restructuring them as they "should" have been in the first place.
It is a long long road.
But what becomes clear through wise and unending search of understanding... it is not the destination, but the journey...
Stay true, stay open, never stop evolving.
Love and support
Trauma healing (imo) is the slow and methodical unraveling of all these aspects of ourselves that came about through mistreatment and abuse, restructuring them as they "should" have been in the first place.
It is a long long road.
But what becomes clear through wise and unending search of understanding... it is not the destination, but the journey...
Stay true, stay open, never stop evolving.
Love and support
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 11:32:51 AMI think it is all due the high stress. I have been up until 4pm (insomnia). Sometimes I do my trauma processing, have bad migraines, then there was this conflict, going through grief and huge depressive episode on top of my everyday tasks.
#9
Letters of Recovery / Re: Mother
Last post by Marcine - November 29, 2025, 10:46:24 PMHi Dalloway,
The strength, compassion and clarity in your writing shines through. It's on your terms, your timeline, to your benefit. Beautiful!
The strength, compassion and clarity in your writing shines through. It's on your terms, your timeline, to your benefit. Beautiful!
#10
AV - Avoidance / Fearful avoidance
Last post by Ran - November 29, 2025, 07:17:41 PMI read something about it online and think that it matches up with my experience.
I think my inner child got attached to this new family (other forum) as it was safe place and gave me a sense of belonging, but I'm so afraid of keep getting hurt that something makes me pull away from people and this all makes me feel very conflicted like wanting connection, but at the same time not wanting it. So it's anxious avoidant and avoidant attachment style together. It makes sense to me.
It was frustrating at first, when I didn't know exactly what was wrong. I just felt I want to talk to people, but the energy wasn't there and I was kinda pulled within and not showing anything too much outside in fear of rejection. I find it really difficult to regulate my emotions. Any little bit of critique "no I don't see it" was like a new scar. What absolutely frustrated me and just caused even bigger emotions.
With relationships I am very mistrustful. I don't see the possible good intention and vulnerability, when people share something potentially damaging to other people. I also think I get fixated on things I see as issues and trying to change people who don't see these issues and I can get quite mean due to frustration, even if not wanting, but even if I feel remorseful, then pattern keeps happening. And even now I feel I do myself disservice by letting it go, because I feel the pain of others very deeply, even when those other people are not there and never asked for me feeling for them, then I can't help it and the people not understanding get angry at me and I only get more frustrated.
I think my inner child got attached to this new family (other forum) as it was safe place and gave me a sense of belonging, but I'm so afraid of keep getting hurt that something makes me pull away from people and this all makes me feel very conflicted like wanting connection, but at the same time not wanting it. So it's anxious avoidant and avoidant attachment style together. It makes sense to me.
It was frustrating at first, when I didn't know exactly what was wrong. I just felt I want to talk to people, but the energy wasn't there and I was kinda pulled within and not showing anything too much outside in fear of rejection. I find it really difficult to regulate my emotions. Any little bit of critique "no I don't see it" was like a new scar. What absolutely frustrated me and just caused even bigger emotions.
With relationships I am very mistrustful. I don't see the possible good intention and vulnerability, when people share something potentially damaging to other people. I also think I get fixated on things I see as issues and trying to change people who don't see these issues and I can get quite mean due to frustration, even if not wanting, but even if I feel remorseful, then pattern keeps happening. And even now I feel I do myself disservice by letting it go, because I feel the pain of others very deeply, even when those other people are not there and never asked for me feeling for them, then I can't help it and the people not understanding get angry at me and I only get more frustrated.