Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: TV's Repair Journal
Last post by lowbudgetTV - Today at 12:14:02 AMI just finished up another monthly therapy session. It was very helpful and I think I am slowly doing better about things I want to be better about.
(Content warning for tragic death in this entry, nothing graphic, but be good to yourself!)
Sadly, I found out on thanksgiving that a good and dear friend passed. I do not recall if I mentioned it here so I'll re-explain, but it was even more shocking and... interesting (in a fate-of-the-world type of way) because she was the daughter of my grandmother-figure who recently also passed of natural causes. Last time I saw my "M" before I became a self-imposed orphan, she had just causally isolated me and told me this grandmother figure was in hospice. At least I knew to keep an eye on things and know when she passed, which I did by following and keeping up with my old dear friend, her daughter.
But, alas, I found when wanting to give her some thanksgiving/holiday joy, that she had recently tragically died in a car accident. It was so shocking. It was like a dream. It was so strange to me that she passed so soon (in the grand scheme) to her mother in an unrelated way! It wasn't even her fault in the accident; it was mere chance.
I was sad, as anyone would be with tragedy, but I didn't really feel anything until I talked about it with my therapist. I thought it'd just be a footnote, saying things like "oh yeah, this terrible thing happened, (and also I've had some related dreams about my "M" dying recently too; definitely related)" but it was so connective to other thoughts I've been having, as it turns out.
For instance, I noted that one of my first thoughts when looking into the tragic death of my old friend was that "oh good, it wasn't her fault". I don't care, someone died! It's tragic no matter what! But I knew it was my "M" in my brain. I remembered her heartless words about the people I loved. I remembered how she insulted this person before. She insulted my adoptive grandmother too. She didn't like that her daughter was poor and asked for help and blah, blah, blah. But here's the truth, as I sit here and mourn a family that was never mine and yet was more a family than my blood relatives were to me: they didn't care about money or status or anything. They lived such beautiful and rich lives, whether rich (the grandmother) or poor (the daughter). They helped each other. The daughter died in the accident going to help someone. She was so giving, as was her mother. That's all that really matters. They were filled with love. They lived a good life, albeit that the daughter should've had some more time to live--but with the good amount she had, she lived a good one, despite being poor and different and difficult.
My "M" still lives, and as far as I know from the last I've heard of her, she is alone and miserable. And the woman she disliked is beloved and mourned by all who knew her, and there are smiles and celebrating in her honor because that's what she asked for after her death. And here I am: I know the difference between those two women.
I am very overwhelmed and scared and confused in my life. According to my therapist, I'm normal: I'm going through a quarter-life crisis and I'm traumatized. I am not alone. I am trying to feel less alone by talking to others. I still am lost and confused and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm overwhelmed because there's so much I want to do and I don't know who I am and I don't know how to get there. Yet, I take everything in, and I see it through my eyes. I always have seen a lot through my eyes, being that I am a quiet person who thinks too much. I think I'm getting there in what I have to do.
I remember thinking of a long-ago memory while my Therapist was talking about EMDR things (she's not certified or whatever, but her mentor was and gave her some advice; it's helpful!)... I remember how nice it felt to receive messages during a bad time--to interact with all and everyone even if sometimes they were imperfect or bothered me a little. I miss it. It feels so lonely how I am now. I want to find people again and be so open and free to let them in and try. I want to give to the world unabashedly. I think I might try to do that more. I think I should begin to be more like a child again, as if the next stage of life was a rebirth. In a way, it is.
(Content warning for tragic death in this entry, nothing graphic, but be good to yourself!)
Sadly, I found out on thanksgiving that a good and dear friend passed. I do not recall if I mentioned it here so I'll re-explain, but it was even more shocking and... interesting (in a fate-of-the-world type of way) because she was the daughter of my grandmother-figure who recently also passed of natural causes. Last time I saw my "M" before I became a self-imposed orphan, she had just causally isolated me and told me this grandmother figure was in hospice. At least I knew to keep an eye on things and know when she passed, which I did by following and keeping up with my old dear friend, her daughter.
But, alas, I found when wanting to give her some thanksgiving/holiday joy, that she had recently tragically died in a car accident. It was so shocking. It was like a dream. It was so strange to me that she passed so soon (in the grand scheme) to her mother in an unrelated way! It wasn't even her fault in the accident; it was mere chance.
I was sad, as anyone would be with tragedy, but I didn't really feel anything until I talked about it with my therapist. I thought it'd just be a footnote, saying things like "oh yeah, this terrible thing happened, (and also I've had some related dreams about my "M" dying recently too; definitely related)" but it was so connective to other thoughts I've been having, as it turns out.
For instance, I noted that one of my first thoughts when looking into the tragic death of my old friend was that "oh good, it wasn't her fault". I don't care, someone died! It's tragic no matter what! But I knew it was my "M" in my brain. I remembered her heartless words about the people I loved. I remembered how she insulted this person before. She insulted my adoptive grandmother too. She didn't like that her daughter was poor and asked for help and blah, blah, blah. But here's the truth, as I sit here and mourn a family that was never mine and yet was more a family than my blood relatives were to me: they didn't care about money or status or anything. They lived such beautiful and rich lives, whether rich (the grandmother) or poor (the daughter). They helped each other. The daughter died in the accident going to help someone. She was so giving, as was her mother. That's all that really matters. They were filled with love. They lived a good life, albeit that the daughter should've had some more time to live--but with the good amount she had, she lived a good one, despite being poor and different and difficult.
My "M" still lives, and as far as I know from the last I've heard of her, she is alone and miserable. And the woman she disliked is beloved and mourned by all who knew her, and there are smiles and celebrating in her honor because that's what she asked for after her death. And here I am: I know the difference between those two women.
I am very overwhelmed and scared and confused in my life. According to my therapist, I'm normal: I'm going through a quarter-life crisis and I'm traumatized. I am not alone. I am trying to feel less alone by talking to others. I still am lost and confused and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm overwhelmed because there's so much I want to do and I don't know who I am and I don't know how to get there. Yet, I take everything in, and I see it through my eyes. I always have seen a lot through my eyes, being that I am a quiet person who thinks too much. I think I'm getting there in what I have to do.
I remember thinking of a long-ago memory while my Therapist was talking about EMDR things (she's not certified or whatever, but her mentor was and gave her some advice; it's helpful!)... I remember how nice it felt to receive messages during a bad time--to interact with all and everyone even if sometimes they were imperfect or bothered me a little. I miss it. It feels so lonely how I am now. I want to find people again and be so open and free to let them in and try. I want to give to the world unabashedly. I think I might try to do that more. I think I should begin to be more like a child again, as if the next stage of life was a rebirth. In a way, it is.
#2
Physical Issues / Re: The Body Keeps The Score (...
Last post by Chart - December 02, 2025, 07:17:41 PMI also think the book is excellent. I still haven't finished it, though. Can't seem to finish anything these past few years...
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Chart - December 02, 2025, 07:12:11 PM
Thinking of you DF. Sending love and support.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - December 02, 2025, 07:06:53 PMI feel cleared up. Yes, I wanna live, definitely. Do not want to go to that dark edge that I know is there, no I don't.
I'll stay here. I'll do the hard work if I must. And be(come) happy. Yes.
What a day.
I'll stay here. I'll do the hard work if I must. And be(come) happy. Yes.
What a day.
#5
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: What is Joy?
Last post by Kizzie - December 02, 2025, 06:00:11 PMI have to agree with Narc Kiddo that joy is such a big emotion that we could not risk feeling when we were experiencing trauma either as children or as adults. I remember feeling like I could not allow myself to feel much positive as a child for fear of the other shoe dropping and feeling deflated like a balloon. It hurt less if the fall wasn't so great. Nowadays I too aim for contentment just as NK has said, takes a lot of pressure off and it isn't quite as threatening.
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed right now. The holidays are fraught for us sadly. I hope it helps if even if just a little to know it matters to us that you are feeling low
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling depressed right now. The holidays are fraught for us sadly. I hope it helps if even if just a little to know it matters to us that you are feeling low
#6
Physical Issues / Re: The Body Keeps The Score (...
Last post by Kizzie - December 02, 2025, 05:47:13 PMIt's a very popular book (if somewhat difficult) but you're so right about it helping us to understand just how much of an impact trauma has on our bodies.
#7
Successes, Progress? / Re: Setting boundaries
Last post by Kizzie - December 02, 2025, 05:45:06 PMGood on you LadyBoar, that's is such a huge step in recovery - yay!!!!
#8
Physical Issues / Re: The Body Keeps The Score (...
Last post by NarcKiddo - December 02, 2025, 05:37:58 PMYes, I have read it and found it very enlightening and helpful, if somewhat distressing at times. I'd go so far as to say it is pretty much required reading for anyone with CPTSD, so long as they are able to recognise and self-soothe if they feel themselves getting triggered.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Chart - December 02, 2025, 03:40:59 PMSan, So very happy to hear you passed a good night of rest.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Desert Flower - December 02, 2025, 02:22:13 PMCheering for you! 
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being here.