Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:25:14 PMthanks, chart. 
anxiety crept in last nite. we'll see if that was a one off, or if i need to do more EMDR. it wasn't as intense, but i was up for 2 hrs. in the middle of the night, so that wasn't fun.
my D's book is uploaded today to amazon, so that's finally finished. yay! some of the stress coming off that roller coaster may be showing its face right now. yesterday i did nothing but play computer games all day, then watched some of the Beatles Anthology.
that was one of the very best times of my life. stayed overnite at the airport when they came here, went to their concert, screamed thru the whole thing, ran thru the streets afterwards, hoarse for 24 hrs. even watching some of thier performances last nite i let out involuntary yells of sheer joy? nostalgia? a mix of everything wonderful? whatever it was, i was instantly flashed back to that concert, that feeling of unbridled freedom ripping all my repressed self to shreds. it was truly life-changing for me. it opened me up to possibilities of what i might do, what i wanted to do, what i didn't want to do anymore.
i was 16 when they came to town, and a few months later the stones came and i went to their concert ($2.50/ticket!), the place they played was so empty we were able to move up to about the 13th row to watch mick strut his stuff - never saw anyone do anything like that before! - and before i knew it, i was standing on my seat (which was unheard of), bouncing up and down, yelling, expelling all the repression i grew up with. the stones put the seal on me having to follow all the rules all the time after that.
as i've told my D, the beatles were more than a band for me, they literally broke the chains that my folks had me wrapped up in all my life. that, by itself, was life-changing. then, the stones sealed the deal, and i couldn't look back. it didn't happen all at once (much like recovery), but each idea leaned on the one before. the next year i went away to college, and that was my first taste of freedom. and i ran with it. eventually it led to me driving across the country to so. calif. w/ my sis and 2 girlfriends, which introduced me to mexico, where i went so often i made friends of several guys who lived there, which set the stage for me having a place to run to when i was going mad.
none of my life might've happened if i hadn't seen the beatles on ed sullivan.
anxiety crept in last nite. we'll see if that was a one off, or if i need to do more EMDR. it wasn't as intense, but i was up for 2 hrs. in the middle of the night, so that wasn't fun.
my D's book is uploaded today to amazon, so that's finally finished. yay! some of the stress coming off that roller coaster may be showing its face right now. yesterday i did nothing but play computer games all day, then watched some of the Beatles Anthology.
that was one of the very best times of my life. stayed overnite at the airport when they came here, went to their concert, screamed thru the whole thing, ran thru the streets afterwards, hoarse for 24 hrs. even watching some of thier performances last nite i let out involuntary yells of sheer joy? nostalgia? a mix of everything wonderful? whatever it was, i was instantly flashed back to that concert, that feeling of unbridled freedom ripping all my repressed self to shreds. it was truly life-changing for me. it opened me up to possibilities of what i might do, what i wanted to do, what i didn't want to do anymore.
i was 16 when they came to town, and a few months later the stones came and i went to their concert ($2.50/ticket!), the place they played was so empty we were able to move up to about the 13th row to watch mick strut his stuff - never saw anyone do anything like that before! - and before i knew it, i was standing on my seat (which was unheard of), bouncing up and down, yelling, expelling all the repression i grew up with. the stones put the seal on me having to follow all the rules all the time after that.
as i've told my D, the beatles were more than a band for me, they literally broke the chains that my folks had me wrapped up in all my life. that, by itself, was life-changing. then, the stones sealed the deal, and i couldn't look back. it didn't happen all at once (much like recovery), but each idea leaned on the one before. the next year i went away to college, and that was my first taste of freedom. and i ran with it. eventually it led to me driving across the country to so. calif. w/ my sis and 2 girlfriends, which introduced me to mexico, where i went so often i made friends of several guys who lived there, which set the stage for me having a place to run to when i was going mad.
none of my life might've happened if i hadn't seen the beatles on ed sullivan.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:10:25 PM
right beside you with lots of love and support. #3
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:08:39 PMhey, DF, first i want to say how well i think you're coping, what with having a job, kids, outside activities, therapy, driving to meetings - so much stuff i would not be able to cope with at all, yet you're doing it! maybe you don't see it cuz of EF's, anxiety, how you feel, or cuz you don't do it 'as well' as others, so to speak, but thru all that i see you running a household and so much more! i'm impressed, and give you full credit for doing so much in spite of whatever else you go thru. i hope you can eventually give yourself some credit as well.
good for you for talking to your B, even if he doesn't want to pursue it. as long as you felt good about it, and he didn't take offense, i see it as a win.
good for you for calling in sick. i agree - tired of feeling almost ok for too many years. sometimes i get a couple hours of feeling better, but it normally doesn't stick.
i also agree about getting validation from folks here. there is no one i know irl (except my D) who can understand, try as they might. luckily, i have some very supportive people, and that's extremely helpful, too.
i see you making some steps forward. keep up the good work. love and hugs
good for you for talking to your B, even if he doesn't want to pursue it. as long as you felt good about it, and he didn't take offense, i see it as a win.
good for you for calling in sick. i agree - tired of feeling almost ok for too many years. sometimes i get a couple hours of feeling better, but it normally doesn't stick.
i also agree about getting validation from folks here. there is no one i know irl (except my D) who can understand, try as they might. luckily, i have some very supportive people, and that's extremely helpful, too.
i see you making some steps forward. keep up the good work. love and hugs
#4
Eating Issues / Re: Why “Morbid Obesity” Still...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 02:26:42 PMThanks, Kizzie! I was also doing some more digging - here is my summary (sorry it got kinda long):
Multiple independent meta-analyses (i.e., studies that pool data from many original studies) report that Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) exposure is associated with higher odds of obesity. Across these analyses, exposure to any ACE is typically associated with about a 1.3–1.5-fold increase in odds of obesity, and higher ACE counts (≥4 ACEs) are associated with approximately 1.5–2.0 times the odds of obesity compared with no ACEs. These studies consistently demonstrate a graded increase in the odds of adult obesity with increasing ACE counts and discuss plausible mechanisms including chronic stress and HPA-axis dysregulation, health behaviors, and social and environmental factors.
Especially treatment-resistant obesity is strongly associated with developmental trauma in the clinical literature.
------------------
Why an average of 1.5–2× is far more dramatic than it sounds
1) Obesity is a multi-determined endpoint, so odd ratios in this range are considered as large.
Obesity is not driven by a single pathway. It involves: genetic factors, metabolic and endocrine regulation, socioeconomic background, medications, sleep disruption, chronic stress and trauma, food environment, physical limitation and chronic illness.
When an outcome has dozens of independent determinants, most individual predictors contribute only very small effects. In epidemiology, odds ratios above 1.2–1.3 are already considered meaningful for such complex endpoints.
Thus, ACE-associated odds ratios of 1.6–2.0 are substantial, comparable to the effect sizes of other major public-health exposures such as:
- low socioeconomic status on cardiovascular events
- early smoking-related increases in cancer risk
These are not small effects; they are clinically and public-health-level significant.
2) The "1.5–2×" figure is an average across highly heterogeneous trauma, and therefore an underestimate for people with CPTSD.
Meta-analyses combine mild neglect, moderate adversity, and severe, chronic abuse into the same categories. This dilutes the effect size. CPTSD, by contrast, is the endpoint of severe, repeated, and developmental trauma, which clusters in the highest-risk ACE categories.
Large-scale data from the ACE Study show: ACE ≥6 → 2.5–3× increase in severe obesity (Felitti et al., 1998).
Therefore, the commonly cited "1.5–2×" figure understates the risk for individuals who experienced multi-layered, chronic developmental trauma, precisely the population in which CPTSD develops.
3) CPTSD involves specific trauma-related biological mechanisms that strongly predispose to weight dysregulation. CPTSD is not just a psychological condition, its neurobiological footprint directly affects systems involved in appetite, metabolism, and weight, such as:
3A. HPA-axis dysregulation (chronic cortisol elevation):
- Chronic childhood trauma → long-term cortisol disruption →
- increased visceral adiposity
- insulin resistance
- increased appetite for high-fat/high-sugar foods
- reduced satiety signaling
3B. Altered reward processing and emotional regulation:
- Developmental trauma changes dopaminergic reward pathways, producing:
- emotional eating as a distress-regulation strategy
- increased susceptibility to binge-type coping
- reduced interoceptive awareness (hunger/fullness cues)
3C. Sleep disruption, hypervigilance, and autonomic imbalance:
- CPTSD involves chronic autonomic dysregulation:
- hyperarousal and sleep fragmentation
- elevated sympathetic tone
- reduced vagal tone
- impaired glucose metabolism
These are well-established mediators of metabolic dysfunction.
3D. Early developmental programming; Childhood trauma affects:
- early establishment of eating patterns
- neurodevelopment during sensitive periods
- long-term epigenetic regulation of stress and metabolism
This means that CPTSD is not "adult stress", it represents a childhood-built stress system that confers lifelong vulnerability to weight dysregulation.
4) Medical impairment and trauma magnify each other. The meta-analyses do not adjust for real-world amplifiers such as:
- chronic pain
- mobility impairment and disability-related barriers to movement
- medication side effects
- socioeconomic consequences of trauma
- repeated retraumatization in adulthood
In individuals with CPTSD plus medical disabilities, the combined effect is multiplicative, not additive.
Key sources include:
1. Amiri et al., 2024 – "Adverse Childhood Experiences and Risk of Abnormal Body Mass Index: A Global Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis"
2. Wiss & Brewerton, 2020 – "Adverse Childhood Experiences and Adult Obesity: A Systematic Review of Plausible Mechanisms and Meta-Analysis of Cross-Sectional Studies"
3. Danese & Tan, 2014 – "Childhood maltreatment and obesity: systematic review and meta-analysis"
4. Moriya et al., 2024 – "Association of adverse childhood experiences and overweight or obesity in adolescents: A systematic review and network analysis"
5. Felitti et al., 1998 – "Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study"
Multiple independent meta-analyses (i.e., studies that pool data from many original studies) report that Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) exposure is associated with higher odds of obesity. Across these analyses, exposure to any ACE is typically associated with about a 1.3–1.5-fold increase in odds of obesity, and higher ACE counts (≥4 ACEs) are associated with approximately 1.5–2.0 times the odds of obesity compared with no ACEs. These studies consistently demonstrate a graded increase in the odds of adult obesity with increasing ACE counts and discuss plausible mechanisms including chronic stress and HPA-axis dysregulation, health behaviors, and social and environmental factors.
Especially treatment-resistant obesity is strongly associated with developmental trauma in the clinical literature.
------------------
Why an average of 1.5–2× is far more dramatic than it sounds
1) Obesity is a multi-determined endpoint, so odd ratios in this range are considered as large.
Obesity is not driven by a single pathway. It involves: genetic factors, metabolic and endocrine regulation, socioeconomic background, medications, sleep disruption, chronic stress and trauma, food environment, physical limitation and chronic illness.
When an outcome has dozens of independent determinants, most individual predictors contribute only very small effects. In epidemiology, odds ratios above 1.2–1.3 are already considered meaningful for such complex endpoints.
Thus, ACE-associated odds ratios of 1.6–2.0 are substantial, comparable to the effect sizes of other major public-health exposures such as:
- low socioeconomic status on cardiovascular events
- early smoking-related increases in cancer risk
These are not small effects; they are clinically and public-health-level significant.
2) The "1.5–2×" figure is an average across highly heterogeneous trauma, and therefore an underestimate for people with CPTSD.
Meta-analyses combine mild neglect, moderate adversity, and severe, chronic abuse into the same categories. This dilutes the effect size. CPTSD, by contrast, is the endpoint of severe, repeated, and developmental trauma, which clusters in the highest-risk ACE categories.
Large-scale data from the ACE Study show: ACE ≥6 → 2.5–3× increase in severe obesity (Felitti et al., 1998).
Therefore, the commonly cited "1.5–2×" figure understates the risk for individuals who experienced multi-layered, chronic developmental trauma, precisely the population in which CPTSD develops.
3) CPTSD involves specific trauma-related biological mechanisms that strongly predispose to weight dysregulation. CPTSD is not just a psychological condition, its neurobiological footprint directly affects systems involved in appetite, metabolism, and weight, such as:
3A. HPA-axis dysregulation (chronic cortisol elevation):
- Chronic childhood trauma → long-term cortisol disruption →
- increased visceral adiposity
- insulin resistance
- increased appetite for high-fat/high-sugar foods
- reduced satiety signaling
3B. Altered reward processing and emotional regulation:
- Developmental trauma changes dopaminergic reward pathways, producing:
- emotional eating as a distress-regulation strategy
- increased susceptibility to binge-type coping
- reduced interoceptive awareness (hunger/fullness cues)
3C. Sleep disruption, hypervigilance, and autonomic imbalance:
- CPTSD involves chronic autonomic dysregulation:
- hyperarousal and sleep fragmentation
- elevated sympathetic tone
- reduced vagal tone
- impaired glucose metabolism
These are well-established mediators of metabolic dysfunction.
3D. Early developmental programming; Childhood trauma affects:
- early establishment of eating patterns
- neurodevelopment during sensitive periods
- long-term epigenetic regulation of stress and metabolism
This means that CPTSD is not "adult stress", it represents a childhood-built stress system that confers lifelong vulnerability to weight dysregulation.
4) Medical impairment and trauma magnify each other. The meta-analyses do not adjust for real-world amplifiers such as:
- chronic pain
- mobility impairment and disability-related barriers to movement
- medication side effects
- socioeconomic consequences of trauma
- repeated retraumatization in adulthood
In individuals with CPTSD plus medical disabilities, the combined effect is multiplicative, not additive.
Key sources include:
1. Amiri et al., 2024 – "Adverse Childhood Experiences and Risk of Abnormal Body Mass Index: A Global Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis"
2. Wiss & Brewerton, 2020 – "Adverse Childhood Experiences and Adult Obesity: A Systematic Review of Plausible Mechanisms and Meta-Analysis of Cross-Sectional Studies"
3. Danese & Tan, 2014 – "Childhood maltreatment and obesity: systematic review and meta-analysis"
4. Moriya et al., 2024 – "Association of adverse childhood experiences and overweight or obesity in adolescents: A systematic review and network analysis"
5. Felitti et al., 1998 – "Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study"
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Chart - Today at 02:16:07 PMHi Recovery68, Sorry to hear about your struggles, but glad you found this Forum and are making connections.
Sending love and support, chart
Sending love and support, chart
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Definitely still out in th...
Last post by Chart - Today at 02:10:14 PMQuote from: TheBigBlue on November 20, 2025, 08:15:05 PMA rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park.Hey, Welcome to the Forum, TheBigBlue. This part of your story made me think of the French film by Truffau, Shoot the Piano Player where in the very beginning the two strangers meet by chance in the street and one shares some of his deep personal life with this random stranger. Very French, but you might find it funny to watch. Also an excellent classic film.
Also I identified with your story a lot. I had a mental collapse in 2023 and it has completely changed my life, discovering Cptsd and realizing the impact of trauma (in my case pre-verbal) on who and how I feel/am today.
Glad to have you along in this shared exploration. It's not easy, but we are doing it, and the presence and support of others makes all the difference for me.
Chart
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member Intro
Last post by Chart - Today at 01:59:04 PMWelcome SelfReflectionPhobic, glad to hear you are questioning and working towards change. I've found this Forum extremely helpful over the past two years, probably moreso than any other single thing in my life.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Chart - Today at 01:43:26 PMDF, I get exactly that too. Validation through identification that others feel similarly and that I am not alone is so beneficial. Just that has been a HUGE game-changer in my life (to put it mildly). I want to continue. I'm currently building up the energy and working through ideas as to how to start a support group in my local area. I'm not ready yet, but it has been in my mind for a long time now and I'm confident I'll do it when I feel internally ready. It is my personal belief that Cptsd (or Developmental Trauma) is THE reason for all the strife, conflict and misery in the human condition across our little planet. I see no single other thing capable of explaining the horror and behavior of "many many" humans, especially ones in positions of wealth and power, those most capable of having wide-reaching negative impact on others. For me, Cptsd is not an excuse, it's a fact. And as a collective, we need to start making it known. I believe awareness (consciousness) is our only hope as a species to continue evolving positively. I shudder at the alternative.
(DO NOT give me permission to rant in your journal... I cannot control myself on that one!!!
Thanks DF. Staying hopeful, staying sane, staying together...
(DO NOT give me permission to rant in your journal... I cannot control myself on that one!!!
Thanks DF. Staying hopeful, staying sane, staying together...
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 01:35:40 PMYes, Marcine, very authentic and real and brave you are.
It made me think of something I read recently, that Janina Fisher wrote: "Why do therapists keep asking me to sit with my feelings? They don't understand. I don't have feelings, I have tsunamis!"
I can totally relate, wanting to be validated and being scared of reaching out at the same time. Here is a safe place to reach out, in my experience. I hope it will help you too.
It made me think of something I read recently, that Janina Fisher wrote: "Why do therapists keep asking me to sit with my feelings? They don't understand. I don't have feelings, I have tsunamis!"
I can totally relate, wanting to be validated and being scared of reaching out at the same time. Here is a safe place to reach out, in my experience. I hope it will help you too.
#10
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by Chart - Today at 01:32:33 PMHello DawnMaria and welcome. I too am very sorry you are struggling and feeling alone. I hope the Forum here can help, it's been extremely positive for me. Sending love, support and hugs if that's okay, chart.