Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:58:32 AM
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: The ramblings of an abused...
Last post by GoSlash27 - Today at 04:31:44 AMToday was a busy day.
I managed to positively identify the "scene of the crime" of my first ordeal. I may have also found associates of the woman who intervened on our behalf (confirmation pending).
I will soon have reliable dates and locations for nearly everything within this 15 month span, save a motel room I'm resigned to never finding.
Examining all of my memories of "the scene of the crime" caused some anxiety, but not as bad as expected.
I feel like my cPTSD ordeal may be over. I'll check with my T. There are no more secrets. No unknown triggers. My "monster" has a face and it has been slain. I'm free.
I managed to positively identify the "scene of the crime" of my first ordeal. I may have also found associates of the woman who intervened on our behalf (confirmation pending).
I will soon have reliable dates and locations for nearly everything within this 15 month span, save a motel room I'm resigned to never finding.
Examining all of my memories of "the scene of the crime" caused some anxiety, but not as bad as expected.
I feel like my cPTSD ordeal may be over. I'll check with my T. There are no more secrets. No unknown triggers. My "monster" has a face and it has been slain. I'm free.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:59:32 AMWow, PapaCoco!
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 12:35:35 AMSomething's changed in me.
I don't know if it's permanent or temporary
I'm relaxed. I've never been relaxed before. Normally, when relaxation starts to come over me, I get scared because I feel vulnerable. A relaxed person doesn't protect himself. Or so that's my normal operating rhythm. If I relax, people can take advantage of me. So I choose to be filled with anxiety because that way my shields are always up. But somehow, I'm not feeling that way these days.
This feeling of not being hypervigilant all day long has been coming on for the past 7 days. Each day I'm a little more relaxed than the day before. I'm quiet around other people, and I'm not so worried about the usual stuff--big or little. I'm even sleeping without the house alarm set because I'm suddenly enjoying sleeping with the windows open and I can't set the alarm if the windows are open. And I don't care. Who even am I? I feel like I left my body and someone else came in to finish out the ride for me. Like I'm not even myself anymore. And it's okay. I don't care.
For the first time ever, I'm okay with it all. As I enjoy being relaxed all day long for now, I notice that I'm also far more forgetful than I normally am. I talk like my dad in his later years when dementia had overtaken him. I probably don't have dementia yet, but somehow, my memory and my concerns are falling away these days. I'm happy to just be. I need to be sure I don't start forgetting my responsibilities, but these days, I'm not filled with shame when I just lay around the house not doing anything. It's a new feeling. Possibly temporary, but there's hope, right? Hope that maybe this is a new way of life for me...
We'll know more in a month or two when I am able to look back and see whether this relaxing state of mind stayed with me or was just an appetizer to let me know what I'm missing out on most of the time. I feel like I'm definitely shirking my responsibilities, but I'm sort of okay with that now.
Whoever it is I'm becoming, I'm okay with it for now. It might be temporary, or it might be at least partially permanent. Either way, it's a welcome change. Just kicking back and watching the world go round and round.
I don't know if it's permanent or temporary
I'm relaxed. I've never been relaxed before. Normally, when relaxation starts to come over me, I get scared because I feel vulnerable. A relaxed person doesn't protect himself. Or so that's my normal operating rhythm. If I relax, people can take advantage of me. So I choose to be filled with anxiety because that way my shields are always up. But somehow, I'm not feeling that way these days.
This feeling of not being hypervigilant all day long has been coming on for the past 7 days. Each day I'm a little more relaxed than the day before. I'm quiet around other people, and I'm not so worried about the usual stuff--big or little. I'm even sleeping without the house alarm set because I'm suddenly enjoying sleeping with the windows open and I can't set the alarm if the windows are open. And I don't care. Who even am I? I feel like I left my body and someone else came in to finish out the ride for me. Like I'm not even myself anymore. And it's okay. I don't care.
For the first time ever, I'm okay with it all. As I enjoy being relaxed all day long for now, I notice that I'm also far more forgetful than I normally am. I talk like my dad in his later years when dementia had overtaken him. I probably don't have dementia yet, but somehow, my memory and my concerns are falling away these days. I'm happy to just be. I need to be sure I don't start forgetting my responsibilities, but these days, I'm not filled with shame when I just lay around the house not doing anything. It's a new feeling. Possibly temporary, but there's hope, right? Hope that maybe this is a new way of life for me...
We'll know more in a month or two when I am able to look back and see whether this relaxing state of mind stayed with me or was just an appetizer to let me know what I'm missing out on most of the time. I feel like I'm definitely shirking my responsibilities, but I'm sort of okay with that now.
Whoever it is I'm becoming, I'm okay with it for now. It might be temporary, or it might be at least partially permanent. Either way, it's a welcome change. Just kicking back and watching the world go round and round.
#5
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 09:19:00 PMQuote from: MiaBailey on March 03, 2026, 08:51:54 PM... I felt like my childhood was a mess but maybe didn't qualify "enough" because nothing overtly horrific happened, if that makes sense.I initially felt the same way, but others here helped me see something important:
If you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it was that bad.
💛 #6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by TheBigBlue - March 03, 2026, 09:08:50 PMMia, reading this resonated with me a lot.
That invisible contract - if I'm good enough, helpful enough, perfect enough, then I'll finally deserve love and belonging - is such a powerful trap. It keeps us running on that treadmill for years without ever stopping to ask the question you named so clearly: what are they actually bringing to the table?
What struck me most in your post is how clearly you can see it now. That "assessment period," going into your cave to regroup and look at things honestly - that sounds incredibly hard, but also incredibly brave.
Your post reminded me of something I wrote earlier about how our systems can organize themselves around survival in ways that keep us functioning for decades - often at the cost of ourselves - until one day the illusion finally cracks. The very patterns that kept us stuck for so long were also brilliant survival skills. They helped us navigate environments where love and safety were conditional. For many of us, it took a long time to even see that structure clearly.
I'm really glad you found people who can simply care without an agenda. That discovery can feel almost unbelievable at first.
Thank you for sharing this. 💛
That invisible contract - if I'm good enough, helpful enough, perfect enough, then I'll finally deserve love and belonging - is such a powerful trap. It keeps us running on that treadmill for years without ever stopping to ask the question you named so clearly: what are they actually bringing to the table?
What struck me most in your post is how clearly you can see it now. That "assessment period," going into your cave to regroup and look at things honestly - that sounds incredibly hard, but also incredibly brave.
Your post reminded me of something I wrote earlier about how our systems can organize themselves around survival in ways that keep us functioning for decades - often at the cost of ourselves - until one day the illusion finally cracks. The very patterns that kept us stuck for so long were also brilliant survival skills. They helped us navigate environments where love and safety were conditional. For many of us, it took a long time to even see that structure clearly.
Quote from: TheBigBlue on January 27, 2026, 06:05:17 PM..."structured dissociation/fragmentation" topic ...
I'm really glad you found people who can simply care without an agenda. That discovery can feel almost unbelievable at first.
Thank you for sharing this. 💛
#7
Emotional Abuse / Re: My Family Doesn't Care Abo...
Last post by MiaBailey - March 03, 2026, 08:55:46 PMYes, me too. I've been invisible my entire life, unless they needed something. I finally gave up trying. I finally decided that they're idiots.
#8
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by MiaBailey - March 03, 2026, 08:51:54 PMThank you for this thread. As I mentioned in one of my posts, getting EMDR therapy for severe neglect and not being able to find that specific target memory for the EMDR session is strange. It's like, well, okay, I have 12,000 different troubling events from all of the neglect, the absence of . . . not the overt act of a specific horrific thing but . . . it adds up to a horrific mess of a childhood. Where the heck do we start? I felt like my childhood was a mess but maybe didn't qualify "enough" because nothing overtly horrific happened, if that makes sense.
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Seeking Support after Extr...
Last post by MiaBailey - March 03, 2026, 07:39:43 PMYes, I was taught that seeking help or support was somehow a betrayal to my family. It was the invisible carrot that I could never catch -- that if I was just a good girl, that if I just did everything right, then I would be loved and I would be in no need of outside support. That, in fact, the need for outside support was my shortfall, my failure, my inability to do better . . . blah blah blah. OMG. The invisible handcuffs that kept me working myself to death on the perfection treadmill. I spent 50+ years basically feeling like I had not independent right to merely live and exist and that I had to "earn" my right to participate by what I offered everyone in my life. I never, ever stopped to look at what they brought to the table. I had been really, really brainwashed in believing that I had somehow failed everyone. I had a really difficult time even saying anything untoward about the people in my life that treated me like I was a human doing and not a human being. I eventually stopped doing for everyone and watched the supposed love ones wither on the vine. Unfortunately, it was an illusion that I had invented in my own brain, the one that said that these people, in their heart of hearts really do love me and after I help them with this thing or that thing or help them buy this or that that they will be there for me blah blah. That day never came. So, I stopped it all. I went into isolation mode and regrouped. It wasn't forever but just for a season. I refer to it as my assessment period.
I went into my cave and licked my wounds and eventually sought support from people who had been in similar circumstances. I can say that I purged a great deal and once I came out of this "assessment period," my trusting of people (which had never been so great) was difficult; but, I did learn that there are real people in this world that are capable of simply caring about another person without an agenda. It's always amazing to me that total strangers can have a much better understanding of me as a human being than people who have been in my life for 60+ years.
There are some great people here. I don't post often but I read a good bit. Best wishes.
I went into my cave and licked my wounds and eventually sought support from people who had been in similar circumstances. I can say that I purged a great deal and once I came out of this "assessment period," my trusting of people (which had never been so great) was difficult; but, I did learn that there are real people in this world that are capable of simply caring about another person without an agenda. It's always amazing to me that total strangers can have a much better understanding of me as a human being than people who have been in my life for 60+ years.
There are some great people here. I don't post often but I read a good bit. Best wishes.
#10
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by Kizzie - March 03, 2026, 05:36:31 PMYes dang it we ARE doing it San. Yay us! And we definitely DO deserve some-actually a lot of-kindness and serious consideration. 
Good on you for educating your EMDR colleagues
It's a good example of how some real good can come from spreading the word.
And we definitely DO deserve some-actually a lot of-kindness and serious consideration. Good on you for educating your EMDR colleagues
It's a good example of how some real good can come from spreading the word.