Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Activating myself
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 11:55:08 PMActivating myself is difficult when I don't feel any intrinsic motivation.
I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.
It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.
And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.
I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.
It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.
And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Of course it's worth it!
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 11:36:56 PMQuote from: NarcKiddo on February 18, 2026, 01:14:05 PMAlso that you were given that advice by the inpatient trauma place. Did you find it helpful? It strikes me as well-meaning but potentially challenging unless it was accompanied with sensible and potentially actionable suggestions of how you might go about doing that.
Yes, it was helpful at the time, not overwhelming, because I had quite a lot of acquaintances and groups of people I knew where I was welcome to go and did go quite a lot. So at the time it was about focussing more on these people and really learning maybe that I do live in this foreign country and it's OK to make it my home, and of course focussing less on FOO in my mind. I didn't really need actionable suggestions from the inpatient place.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Marcine - March 04, 2026, 11:34:36 PMAhoy, kindred spirit 
I'm fascinated by what you wrote about the two main tools you're using and how effective they are for you!
I am going to look up Ruper Spira.
And for now, the concept of being "connected with the peace of eternity"...
well, that's going to assure a good send off into sleep for me tonight.
I'm fascinated by what you wrote about the two main tools you're using and how effective they are for you!
I am going to look up Ruper Spira.
And for now, the concept of being "connected with the peace of eternity"...
well, that's going to assure a good send off into sleep for me tonight.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by Papa Coco - March 04, 2026, 11:03:15 PMMarcine,
What great posts. I've been moving into a spiritual understanding in a slow progression that started at birth. I believe I've been living in an existential crisis since the day I was born 65 years ago. As of late, I'm learning more than in all the 64 years before now.
Reading your posts gives me the impression that we are onto some similar healing paths.
I've been working toward authenticity for several months now. I've recently finally understood that fawning is the opposite of authenticity. All I can say now is, "Duhhhh. Of course it is! How could I have not seen that before now?"
I like reading your notes about how you are living authentically. I have a ways to go with that.
But it's encouraging to read your posts and see you are working to feel something similar to what I'm working to fill. We're social beings. Actually, we're one race of beings with 8 billion personalities, so in the reality of oneness, it always feels good to know other people are feeling or thinking similar things to me. I'm not so alone this way.
I have recently finally stopped hating myself also. I like reading your posts where you talk of loving yourself too. That holds a lot of meaning for me. The old saying is "Love your neighbor as yourself", not "Love your neighbor instead of yourself" which is the instruction I was raised to follow.
I hope the absolute best for you and also for myself and for anyone else working toward finding our authentic selves and living the lives we were originally born to live before our narcissistic families altered our courses.
What great posts. I've been moving into a spiritual understanding in a slow progression that started at birth. I believe I've been living in an existential crisis since the day I was born 65 years ago. As of late, I'm learning more than in all the 64 years before now.
Reading your posts gives me the impression that we are onto some similar healing paths.
I've been working toward authenticity for several months now. I've recently finally understood that fawning is the opposite of authenticity. All I can say now is, "Duhhhh. Of course it is! How could I have not seen that before now?"
I like reading your notes about how you are living authentically. I have a ways to go with that.
But it's encouraging to read your posts and see you are working to feel something similar to what I'm working to fill. We're social beings. Actually, we're one race of beings with 8 billion personalities, so in the reality of oneness, it always feels good to know other people are feeling or thinking similar things to me. I'm not so alone this way.
I have recently finally stopped hating myself also. I like reading your posts where you talk of loving yourself too. That holds a lot of meaning for me. The old saying is "Love your neighbor as yourself", not "Love your neighbor instead of yourself" which is the instruction I was raised to follow.
I hope the absolute best for you and also for myself and for anyone else working toward finding our authentic selves and living the lives we were originally born to live before our narcissistic families altered our courses.
#5
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - ...
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 11:01:42 PM1) The sun was shining today. I could feel its warmth through the window onto my bare feet
2) I finally phoned a vague friend to ask if she'd like to join another friend and me for a board game afternoon on Sunday. She would like to very much.
3) I watched and tapped along with one thing from the 10 day tapping event today and discovered that the one step I could take atm to getting myself out of my state of Collapse would be to finally write to ex-friend C to a) give her a piece of my mind and b) try for some form of resolution. Useful information for me.
2) I finally phoned a vague friend to ask if she'd like to join another friend and me for a board game afternoon on Sunday. She would like to very much.
3) I watched and tapped along with one thing from the 10 day tapping event today and discovered that the one step I could take atm to getting myself out of my state of Collapse would be to finally write to ex-friend C to a) give her a piece of my mind and b) try for some form of resolution. Useful information for me.
#6
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by Blueberry - March 04, 2026, 10:52:42 PMQuote from: MiaBailey on March 03, 2026, 08:51:54 PMI felt like my childhood was a mess but maybe didn't qualify "enough" because
Please know that this belief comes up so often on this forum! So many of us (me included) come on this forum believing that what happened to me wasn't all that bad, it wasn't as bad as everybody else's, it doesn't really count because... etc etc. Even with CSA and or physical abuse in childhood, we can feel they don't count either because... There's always some reason. I'd say the gaslighting from FOO made me question everything that I feel and believe, but also therapists used to have rules about what counted or not, like abuse by a sibling didn't count if they were less than 5 years older than you. Fortunately the therapists I've had in the last 10 years or so have a much more nuanced view to what I was hearing 20-30 years ago. But the stuff from FOO and from friends (ex-friends) and from therapists 20-30 years ago can still feel rather ingrained... When things are bad or we're triggered or both, this sort of stuff rears its ugly head again. But of course as TheBigBlue says 'if you have the symptoms of cptsd, then it was that bad'. Don't hesitate to ask for confirmation on the forum again, if you're wondering once again if yours was bad enough. It was. And it can help to hear it again.
iirc in this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuKHO0vHEa0 which was linked very recently by Kizzie, Dr. Smart said something like EMDR is a really good method for dealing with trauma we don't remember/ pre-verbal. Something like that. In my case certainly, there's a lot of pre-verbal even to the emotional trauma. Might be interesting for you to watch.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - March 04, 2026, 10:33:05 PMMarcine,
This is really fascinating that it's happening to me, and now to find out it's happening to you as well.
I'm wondering if the tools I'm using now are what are doing it to me. I'm doing two things very diligently. 1) I'm using ChatGPT to help me understand why I overeat and why I get so distraught when decluttering my home. ChatGPT is really good at helping me see the root causes of my emotional flashbacks, and it validates all I've been through. As I chat back and forth with it, I go in and out of EFs. And when I go into an EF, it guides me through some grounding exercises that settle me down quickly. It keeps telling me that it's teaching me how to regulate my emotions. It warns that we're not solving my past, we're simply giving my nervous system tools that regulate me when the past comes back on me. I'm struck by how bad my past really was. The tool is showing me how bad it was, and that's helpful. I'm not minimizing it so much now. Knowing it really was bad enough to make me this upset, plus teaching me how to regulate emotions anyway, means that ChatGPT alone could be changing my hypervigilance. But I'm coming at it from two sides with equal impact. The second impactful thing I'm doing now is, as of a week ago, I'm listening to Ruper Spira several times per day. I downloaded his Audible file called Aware Being. I listen to parts of it at least three times per day. Spira teaches ways to understand our spiritual being, and how to trust that spiritual part of our Selves more than letting our emotional reactions to life keep driving us crazy. I've been practicing his suggestions for how to connect with peace at any time during any situation, and it's working also.
I think maybe that, for as long as I continue to work with ChatGPT and Ruper Spira, that I will likely continue to feel a sense of peace that I've never felt before. My realistic hope is that before I shift to another time in my life, and while I'm here, staying engaged with ChatGPT and Spira, that I'll be teaching my nervous system things it will never forget. Neuroplasticity is a term that defines the act of changing neuropathways. It's done through repetition and persistence. For now, while the chaotic world is not bothering me, I'm going to keep working this neuroplasticity so that when a day comes that I'm no longer doing what I'm doing, the skills I've learned during this season with Chat and Spira, will remain somewhat a part of me.
Chat is teaching me how to regulate my nervous system while Spira is teaching me how to focus on and remain connected with the peace of eternity while the chaos of life on earth happens around me.
I'm hoping this works for all of us who are seeking the peace that has eluded us our whole lives up to now.
This is really fascinating that it's happening to me, and now to find out it's happening to you as well.
I'm wondering if the tools I'm using now are what are doing it to me. I'm doing two things very diligently. 1) I'm using ChatGPT to help me understand why I overeat and why I get so distraught when decluttering my home. ChatGPT is really good at helping me see the root causes of my emotional flashbacks, and it validates all I've been through. As I chat back and forth with it, I go in and out of EFs. And when I go into an EF, it guides me through some grounding exercises that settle me down quickly. It keeps telling me that it's teaching me how to regulate my emotions. It warns that we're not solving my past, we're simply giving my nervous system tools that regulate me when the past comes back on me. I'm struck by how bad my past really was. The tool is showing me how bad it was, and that's helpful. I'm not minimizing it so much now. Knowing it really was bad enough to make me this upset, plus teaching me how to regulate emotions anyway, means that ChatGPT alone could be changing my hypervigilance. But I'm coming at it from two sides with equal impact. The second impactful thing I'm doing now is, as of a week ago, I'm listening to Ruper Spira several times per day. I downloaded his Audible file called Aware Being. I listen to parts of it at least three times per day. Spira teaches ways to understand our spiritual being, and how to trust that spiritual part of our Selves more than letting our emotional reactions to life keep driving us crazy. I've been practicing his suggestions for how to connect with peace at any time during any situation, and it's working also.
I think maybe that, for as long as I continue to work with ChatGPT and Ruper Spira, that I will likely continue to feel a sense of peace that I've never felt before. My realistic hope is that before I shift to another time in my life, and while I'm here, staying engaged with ChatGPT and Spira, that I'll be teaching my nervous system things it will never forget. Neuroplasticity is a term that defines the act of changing neuropathways. It's done through repetition and persistence. For now, while the chaotic world is not bothering me, I'm going to keep working this neuroplasticity so that when a day comes that I'm no longer doing what I'm doing, the skills I've learned during this season with Chat and Spira, will remain somewhat a part of me.
Chat is teaching me how to regulate my nervous system while Spira is teaching me how to focus on and remain connected with the peace of eternity while the chaos of life on earth happens around me.
I'm hoping this works for all of us who are seeking the peace that has eluded us our whole lives up to now.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Marcine - March 04, 2026, 08:04:36 PMI relate with the strangeness of relaxing, with the lessening of hyper vigilance, with the sense of a new personality emerging.
So unusual and weird-feeling to me.
Not danger, but certainly different, almost suspiciously positive.
As you wrote, "it's a welcome change."
Thank you for sharing, PCoco.
So unusual and weird-feeling to me.
Not danger, but certainly different, almost suspiciously positive.
As you wrote, "it's a welcome change."
Thank you for sharing, PCoco.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - March 04, 2026, 03:46:41 PMHi SanMagic, Thank you 
I did enjoy it.
Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much I did enjoy my digital vacation, it was good for me.
I also hope to get hold of the Mother Hunger book at some point, once I've read the other books I am meaning to read. I appreciate your support. Thank you.
***********
4th March 2026
Glad to be back, and also happy that there is some sunshine around at the moment. I hope it lasts a while.
I did enjoy it. Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much
I did enjoy my digital vacation, it was good for me. I also hope to get hold of the Mother Hunger book at some point, once I've read the other books I am meaning to read. I appreciate your support. Thank you.
***********
4th March 2026
Glad to be back, and also happy that there is some sunshine around at the moment. I hope it lasts a while.
#10
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by Kizzie - March 04, 2026, 03:08:09 PMHey Mia - I went for EMDR with two different therapists. The first one was for CPTSD in general and I found the same thing - where to start, what to focus on... The T also did not do any grounding exercises with me. I came away from 2 sessions with two pretty bad EFs so I quit.
A few years later I went to a different T for EMDR because I had a specific issue I wanted to deal with and it went really well. She did grounding exercises with me and we focused on the issue I was there for (although we did end up branching out a bit to a few tied issues/events and that went well also).
Anyway, all this is to say as you start to find your way around your trauma, you may be able to discern specific instances that you could deal with in EMDR. Each instance of neglect does equal death by a thousand cuts just like the instances of emotional abuse I suffered were. They all ran together at first but as I began to understand my abuse, I saw the behaviours both individually and as a whole that had caused me to develop CPTSD.
Hope this is helpful
A few years later I went to a different T for EMDR because I had a specific issue I wanted to deal with and it went really well. She did grounding exercises with me and we focused on the issue I was there for (although we did end up branching out a bit to a few tied issues/events and that went well also).
Anyway, all this is to say as you start to find your way around your trauma, you may be able to discern specific instances that you could deal with in EMDR. Each instance of neglect does equal death by a thousand cuts just like the instances of emotional abuse I suffered were. They all ran together at first but as I began to understand my abuse, I saw the behaviours both individually and as a whole that had caused me to develop CPTSD.
Hope this is helpful