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Thank You both Mary, and Wingnut....



It was a breath of fresh air for me to read with all the flying monkeys flying around! I expected that that was going to happen. I am ready for it... I did a lot of thinking when I was laying on the bed depressed and couldn't move! I am amazingly calm...

I wasn't to calm when I was trying to put the tree upside down and couldn't figure out how it worked!  ... but I worked through it! 

Keep on keeping on!

It is really crazy how a uNPD/BPD Sis can totally forget everything good I have ever done for her and expect for me to just give her everything she ever WANTED. She has told so many lies to people I have known and helped in various capacities since I have known them. They are all against me for evicting her. ( I have been thinking about asking them if they want to pay her rent!) As I have discussed before I had to evict My Sis and nephew to get My house back. The eviction was final Dec 10, but I have NOT called the sheriff to actually remove them.

Son does not think I should evict them because they are family. For once in My life unpdH stood up for me and tried to compare it to how he would not like to pay HIS sis's bills... I have not talked to him about it since.. just giving him time to soak it in. Son also called me to borrow money to keep his electricity on. He is in college so I have helped him in the past, and don't mind sometimes, but I had offered him money to come and fix My pipes and Her could NOT find time for it. When he asked for Money I told him I did not have any! I had to save all My money to fix the pipes. So, I did give him $150.00 and he did come and fix the pipes! No more loans to him... he is a very slow payer!

Due to anxiety attacks I have not gone to church for over 6 months. A church friend and tenant called and wanted for me to take her and kids to church for the Church potluck.  I always gave her a ride to church. IF She would have asked me when FALL church started I probably would have started going again....(she only goes when I give her a ride.) I told her I did not feel I could go to church right now, that I was NOT on the right frame of mind. Really the thought I had is YOU will go when they are having something fun, or to benefit her, but not for regular church. That irritated me, so no I am not just going to show up for fun stuff.

Then when We got into a discussion about uNPS/BPD SIS She thought I should give her all the time she needs to get out of the house. She repeated all the stories Sis told her and I said that She was not telling the truth.. I did not care what Sis said that She could be friends with Sis...That I knew what side the line was drawn and I would keep it in mind.

Then She asked for sympathy for another tenant who lost his drivers license because HE did not pay child support. well, her opinion is that he does not have any money left and he is trying to get disability and is on welfare. I said then HE should have went and had new paperwork filed and they would have lowered his payments... He had to have been very behind to have got in that position. I had offered that tenant $50.00 to fix the pipes under My trailer and ask his wife to help me clean it,for cash, and they turned me down. I told her I did not feel sorry for anybody that would not even work for cash.. Then she says that they DID NOT WANT TO HELP ME because they want to stay out of the problems that My sister has got every one involved in. I told her that I Didn't care. I do not want anyone to help me that WAS on her side, or trying to stay neutral. I did what I had to do with the eviction. I am glad Sis has friends, but I do not need to have anyone going back to her and telling her what I am doing! I told her that I have known My Sis for 57 years and nothing is going to change. I am NOT going to enable her and her spending habits anymore!

Then I have been trying to fix the pipes in My mobile home. Daughter has a roommate who is staying here. He is homeless, not paying her anything, He had an appointment in town and I told him I would NOT be able to babysit for 2 days. I set up babysitting for Grand daughters and told him that to tell Daughter I had lined up sitting for 11:00Am and if anything changed to call Sitter and let her know! Well He did NOT give Daughter the message, and he did not call and cancel babysitting. So, after sitter calls me madder than a wet hen, I call Daughter and He had not told her any of the conversion WE had! I specifically told him the sitter would be mad IF they did not call and cancel... I called daughter and told her how rude it was that She did NOT call and cancel sitter, and She did not know anything about it! So, I told her roommate was just trying to cause problems, that he was a flying monkey and that I do not trust him. Oh room mate wouldn't do that "He just forgot!" after I talked to him for 3 or four minutes about being sure to call and cancel? So, She thinks I have really gone over the deep end.

Honestly, I do not care what they all think! Maybe I am reaching a new point where I am not going to be walked all over anymore. I am not going to be a nice person afraid of breaking the eggs on the floor! I sense a bubbling of anger....I am still being the Minnesota NICE...but I am standing up for Myself. Actually this has been one of the least depressive winters that I have had in a long time. This crying, and thinking about Pammy Sue, reading on here, and OOTF, has helped me... Of course everyone thinks I am even crazier than I was...because I have an opinion now, I am expressing it and I am saying NO! 

Keep on Keeping on!

  All!

I have read this post many times, every time I have not had the strength to write about it. I have know all along that I have always felt UGLY! I mean for one thing I did not look like the other siblings. I was short they are tall, I had fine thin snow white hair, (they used to call me cotton top) and they had thick beautiful red brown hair. It also did not help that I was the ONLY step child. I also have a prominent nose... they had cute little pug noses.

Then the treatment was different for me. Many times In My life I had to stay home... My Mom was embarrassed about me. I guess divorce and remarriage in those days was embarrassing for her and being the product of the first union, I was the most embarrassing part of it.   .

I know this was an issue for me because I worked real hard to praise My children for the beauty they have. My Daughter has My fine hair, blonde now.. and I always told her how beautiful her Hair is. My one granddaughter also has hair like mine... and I tell her how her hair is soft like silk, and how pretty it is.

zazu
wrote on: November 24, 2014:

When my IC first talked back to me (this version of the IC was about 7 years old) I was shocked to discover that most of her concerns were about not being pretty. I asked questions like "what do you like to do?" "What makes you happy?" "what do you want to do in life?" and all the answers centered around not being able to do much of anything, because she wasn't pretty enough. Not even pretty enough to be loved. Almost every dream was destined to remain unfulfilled, because of this curse of being unattractive.

Some backstory here - my older GC sister was "the pretty one" and I was the ugly sister, much like a fairy tale. (and you know in fairy tales, the ugliness of the "ugly" sister was a symbol of her bad nature, too). I don't recall how often people used that term to describe me, but there was a lot of tsk-tsking about the misfortune of my looks and unfavorable comparisons with my (admittedly) beautiful sister, at least within the family.

This fits My story exactly...Everytime I read it I cry.. So sorry for You ZuZu , sorry for me, and all of us with this feeling!

keepfighting
wrote on: November 24, 2014:

The grown up you have certainly gained a healthier self image and got rid of the negative messages that your IC still believes, so I thought about the major difference between a 7 yo child and an adult and I think the answer is in the cognitive ability:

The part of your brain where (most of) the cognitive functions are stored (as far as I understand, I'm no expert, mind!) doesn't develop until early puberty and is 'finished' by your early twenties. So you cannot reason with your IC the same way you can with your adult self, but on a more fundamental and emotional level: Send her the messages that your parents should have send her but never did. She deserves that!


I really thought that I had at one point realized that I was attractive... so thought this was over.. I guess the inner child does not think It was OVER.

Zazu wrote:
It was surprising to find that 7-year-old self had this sense of pointlessness and hopelessness wrapped up with physical appearance. As if, due to this uncontrollable circumstance, all doors were closed forever. As if there were no life beyond the way one looks to others.

It really is sad that no one had enough Love for Us to show us love! Give us one little crumb of hope...

Here is a link on Step children.. it is pretty enlightening.. any step kids out there? It is called the Cinderella effect... not much different than the scapegoat. 

] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect]

Keep on keeping on!   













 

  All!

Possible trigger warning Possible trigger warning Possible trigger warning Possible trigger warning Possible trigger warning

I did try left hand writing in diary. I did get a clue about the abuse I was feeling..( I wrote about it in the sexual abuse section started by Sandel) I ask her about it..(inner child)  Didn't get an answer but Did get a clue. The clue was that Who was babysitting for You when Your siblings were born?

So I asked Mom. Who babysit for me when My 1st Bro was born?

I was 3...Your step Dad Who was babysitting for You when he was born..   

When Sis was born? I was 5, Your aunt.  (She was a Christian women, I know she protected me!)

When twins were born? I was 6, and remember them babysitting so not them!  Step grandma and Grandpa  (maybe)

So since it was just a feeling... I think it happened when I was 3... If I was 5 then I think I would have remembered it, at least more than a feeling. for example IF I was 5 I would have had words and maybe a feeling..So at least ONE great Mystery in My life revealed by Pammy Sue!

Yeah! One great victory for Pammy Sue! 

Keep on Keeping on! 

@ flookadelic!

Isn't it great to find out what OUR real problems are? In a way it is a relief! I like the fact that I can really HEAL from it. I was diagnosed with Bi-polar... and I did not fit the criteria for that either!

Keep on Keeping on!

[parenting by committee group]

 

I have started the book By Pete Walker. Complex PTSD; .....

in the very first pages he says on Pg 3.

I must emphasize however that some survivors of cPTSD engendering families were so thoroughly betrayed by their Parents that it may be a long time, if ever before they can trust another human being enough to engage in relational healing work. When this is the case, pets, books, and online therapeutic Websites can provide significant relational healing. 

I do not feel that I have been traumatized so much by people, as I have been traumatized by therapists.

I wrote about My experiences with therapists here:
http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=543.msg4433#msg4433

I think at last the LAST therapist did traumatize me. I wrote...I got very bad advice from a counselor AT THE LOCAL SHELTER...I'd probably be very physically hurt IF I would have just done what she said. If you have read My posts on uNPDH you'd realize how abusive He is emotionally and was physically.  She just told Me to slap the divorce papers on the table.... what was the problem I was having?

I was expecting lists of things I needed to do like information in the toolbox on OOTF. I was expecting some T on the entanglement that I was feeling and could Not get away! I did not get any of that... in fact I felt dismissed and put down because I was expecting more. I questioned her at great length and she just repeated the same thing!! 

I went into the appointment thinking I was finally making a BIG step and I was proud of MYself for making the decision to go ahead and work toward getting a divorce. I was actually afraid to even be seen in the parking lot for fear that uNPDH would see MY car in the parking lot! I guess that was pretty far fetched thinking. I was pretty dissociated when I left her office, so she triggered me somehow.  Of course NOW when I think about it then I am demand resistant.. is that the right word?

I think somehow this experience WAS abusive! I mean I should have got healing and help... I felt shot down like MY feelings were wrong! All of this abusive behavior! 

I am not thinking about going to a T right now... Walker also calls a group like this a reparenting by committee group!

I am so thankful for the people who are here to help all of US! By ourselves we have all these doubts, self blame, self hate, etc, So we are the parenting by committee group! I like that!

to all of US!

                                                               



                     

Hi all! 

Rain wrote:
I've written on this elsewhere, but I take Pete Walker's advice to strongly, vehemently reject the inner critic.   I visualize the thing as an external, disgusting, negative creature and my inner kid and I think of awful things to do to it.   Last month, we banished it to the moon, saw it stuck in a trash compactor, darts pinning it to a wall at the shopping mall ...my inner kid and I think of great visuals to do to the inner critic!!!!   "We" have fun!!   

It really does shut the thing up....for a day, perhaps more, at least for me.    Others have their techniques in the forum.   You may discover something new that works for you, then share!

I am still having trouble connecting to the Inner critic.  Sometimes as I have stated before I think He comes out as a list of rules. They really do stifle me!

Rain wrote:
For me, the block is the inner critic who thinks you do not deserve kind words or affection.  The inner critic serves up the same crap your parents did.

The other day I was talking to MOM about all the bugs I am getting from the children... she said You always was sickly! The Inner Child spoke up and said that I have not been very sick in years..I was proud of her for standing Up to the illusions that My Mom has about me! Yeah for Pammy Sue!


Rain wrote:
Love that little girl you remember ...do you see her?    Can you pick her up in your imagination, straighten out her clothes?  That is self-love, Sandals.   Keep going with that ...sit on the floor and talk as if you do see her, or if you pat your hand on your heart, as you close your eyes and talk to the image you remember of your little girl.

Stand in the middle of a room, hold your arms out, close your eyes, see your little girl and start telling her what you see ...you see her playing in the yard, picking up the sticks, start with that.   Then, share with her the feelings you felt at that moment ...just keep talking ...it's for you and her.

Sit in a comfy couch, wrap your arms around you and squeeze your arms with a hug while you talk to her.   See her in your mind's eye.

I am going to try this! I have been thinking about Pammy Sue a lot recently, but more about her HURTS! Maybe I need to focus again on her in a soothing way!

Keep On keeping on!

[afraid]

Kizzie wrote:

I realize it had to do with the IC work we did only two days before the pension situation came up and because my younger self was closer to the surface  - zoom, she reacted swiftly and intensely to what felt like a old situation. Again, not to scare anyone off as I did learn a lot because of it, especially in feeling those old feelings and from a younger me's point of view. As I mentioned in my other post I can intellectualize until the cows come home, but feelings are scary so I have avoided getting down to any IC work other than seeing to it that she has more fun these days.     

Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can.

I think that right now I am working with My Inner child more. I am crying more when I think of My childhood! That is good right? I am still afraid of pammy Sue though... I do NOT remember much of My childhood. So that makes it all the more difficult. I am trying to play more though. I tell the one grand daughter that I am with the most (age 5)  that I Pammy Sue will play with her. Even that is difficult for me! She loves to play with Pammy Sue! I did not have a childhood since I was responsible for taking care of all My Younger siblings. Sometimes GD begs me to play with her... . I am trying...

I do see the therapy in it all though. When I let lose and cry and soothe Pammy Sue, she feels happy for a while! I am disassociating less, and having less Ef's!

Keep on Keeping on!   

  All!

I too have felt like letting My inner child out would cause me to cry and loose it. I have bought a pretty frozen (disney character movie) diary, It has light on it when I push a button. Pammy Sue likes it. I did start trying to write with My left hand with a pencil. I did get a clue on the CSA in My past live.. now just to follow it up! I am crying more.... which is painful but also healing!

How is every one else doing on their LEFT hand writing? I hope You are all making progress on this!

Keep on Keeping on!

  alovelycreature

I agree, I don't want to mask anything.. I want to work through it...

Keep on keeping on!   

 


That I have NOT been writing in this section? I have... been trying to figure out why! I have anxiety about this section, so I keep avoiding it!  Not quit sure why......almost like I think that If I read I will have a EF 
Anyway one more thing to think about!

Keep on Keeping on! 

  ALL!

I finally started on the walker book... got to the first chapter...some good information! I think that is is OK but I was having a panic about starting it.. for no reason I think! 

Started looking at the DBT Handbook and the textbook for it. having a hard time getting it together, it is for therapists. I do have good skills at reading, but not the college background It takes to understand it all! It will work pretty well I think after I figure it all out. I decided to start with emotional dysregulation. i am hoping it will help with EF's and dissociation.

Keep on keeping on!   

today I feel lonely, used and sad!  .

 

Hi All! 

Today I started on My books...I read the first chapter on taming the tiger.. went ok.

I started on the dbt handbook and book... I guess that is college level.. not that I can't handle that just such small writing... I had to take a break.. but went through a lot of material!

I did not start the peter walker book... I did bring it over to D's house...probably in the AM. 

Keep on keeping on!