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Welcome Glenna,


I experienced severe neglect as a child and severe domestic abuse as an adult. I am a writer as well, but when I started to write things about the abuse, my anxiety ramped way up to 100%, and I am considering quitting writing altogether. This makes me sad, as it is my passion. I do not have much of a support system at home, but I was hoping I could find some support here with others who suffer. I will admit that I need some hands to hold on to right now.

WE have a lot in commom Glenna. I also suffered severe neglect, some physical abuse, and LOTS of emotional abuse during MY childhood.

I do not have a support system either. I am also a writer! I used to moderate for a game on Facebook. I did not know I liked to write until I started posting on that gamesite. Then they ask me to be the moderater. I sometimes do have a problem with reading all the things I read on OOTF and sometimes here. I put it down for awhile and then go back to it. I guess the mind can only take so much!

I am so sorry for the lose of Your hubby. I know how devastating that must be. I bet you have a lot of mixed feelings. I mean personally although I don't want my NPDH to drop dead, I think that it would be easier. On the other hand that brings on a new set of problems to deal with!

I honestly don't know how to approach it either. I do find that it is easier to Read about others experiences. Practical advice works better for me. I have felt like I have had more healing reading others expriences and how the handled situations I am in. I also feel I have some hope, I thought I'd always be mentally ill and feeling like this. I actualyl have some good time in each day. I am not as critical to Myself as I used to be.

Kizzy,
I know how the attacks feel as I just went through a really bad patch of them in the spring after a pile on of stressors overwhelmed me. I couldn't even get out of bed some days

I was in bed from March until most of June. Just so depressed! So sorry you went through that. My NPH hubby doesn't understand it all. He has all this work lined up that I need to do. I am just out of it. The main job is to empty out a mobile home that I own so that It can be moved out. the work is not so hard .. but the emotions I am gong through are hard for me. I have things in there that have been stored since 2006. I used to have dreams that I would have a house with NPDH and so much stuff relates to those dreams! I guess the dreams are gone now!

One therapist I saw when I was having the panic atacks  gave me a little exercise that I found quite useful.  She told me to picture a container in my mind, a box or whatever and see myself putting the things that were making me panic in the container one by one and tell myself "I will come back to you later," close the container and put it somewhere in my house.  I'm not great with these kinds of exercise -- always worry I won't do them perfectly, but I gave it a shot and it did help.  I guess it's a way of telling ourselves, nope we're not avoiding or stuffing the things that are causing us pain or to be afraid, we are just going put them away and will deal with them when we're ready, preferably a little at a time.  It takes some of pressure off us to deal with everything right now.

I am going to try this.. do you think It will work with chores I need to do? MY NPD like always has lists of stuff I need to do! It is overwelming to me. I also have this Perfection thing going on in my head... so that also leads to procrastination

I put up the link that You provided and I am going to read that!

And then when I started to post I found I was able to start sorting through the tangled threads  that were my thoughts and feelings and feel validated, affirmed and encouraged by the support from members.  No more suffering in silence and thinking I was alone - what a wonderful feeling!

I feel the same way. I mean who do you tell the crazy things that happen behind closed doors. Then a person feels so isolated and alone. sometimes so crazy. I helps to see other people, who like me would never talk about it in public, can get together and just open their heart! getting validation is also important. The thing I find so funny is that so many of the stories are alike. i find myself in most posts!

So glad You got off Meth.. that must have been a hard one to break? I am proud that YOU did that. yeah yeah! i have been around people that did meth and that is a hard drug to get off of.

I am 60, part of the Hippie scene in my day. That is why that I ask DR. to NOT give me anything narcotic. I probably tried everything in my day. Coke, speed, LDS 1 time, and Pot. Occasionally I smoke POT.

He gives me Adderall for my ADD.... but I don't take it every day, only when I need to concentrate. I take a low dose..7.5 mgs twice a day. I know that is habit forming. Actualy I am probably the worst patient my DR. has LOL

boy this is some pretty heavy stuff. I don't know I am going to have to read it a few time to understand it all.

My last experience of this problem happened in church. MY NPD sis, granddaughter and I were in church. I always sit in the front of the church. My Sis was sitting in the middle the church behind me. My grandaughter was sittin one pew ahead of My Sister with the Sunday school teacher.She was coloring and the SS teacher told My grandaughter to be quite. Grandaughter started crying in church (because she was not getting Her way.) the SS teacher say she could go sit with either me or MY NPSis  She came and sat by me.  She was crying uncontrolably. I was hugging her and trying to sooth her. I got her to the point where she would cry a little bit and then stop. She was looking around.
MY NPSis was saying that My grandaughter was looking back and making faces at her I did not see it. Finally quietly got GD settled down and she wanted to go and sit with her friends and collore again. So I walked her back to sit with the SS class so she could collor. I walked her back to the per ss teacher was sitting in, and I got he in the Pew.
NPD SIS started telling me HOW GD was making faces at her. How rude it was and acted like I was promotting her NOT liking NPDSis. letting her make faces like that. I did not even see GD making faces.To me it seemed like NPDSis was talking very loud. (later on SS teacher said she did not hear it) It was more of her jelousy (NPDSis) She is so displinanarian to the kids.( (think Mean IMO)

I was upset. I felt like everyone heard it and she was talking loud. I felt embarrassed,angry, hurt. I went and sat down again in my pew. i know I was doing all the things in church like praying, singing, but I felt trapped. i wanted to get out of there. I sat there feeling numb. I felt like I was looking down at myself. Physically I felt small... I was going through the motions.

Another thing a little different for me mentally is a day My husband was going through rages. this was a bad one. He was mad because lightning struck all our electronics and we lost 2 flat screens and out phone system. he was starting to rage and so I went into the bedroom. I was sitting on my side of the bed. a tenant came to the door. I hear him tell the tenant Not now B. the tenant tried to push his way and tell him he had lost circuits in him trailer. NPDH started raging and throwing stuff. He threw something at our stand alone cupboard in the kitchen. He came into the bedroom and was looking for his wallet he couldn't find it, so he threw a ditto bag at the window and broke the window out.

In that instance i was sitting there but I felt more like a small mouse in the corner. he left after I had heard the glass break. I don't know really how long I sat there and I finally laid down and feel asleep. (I sleep a lot when I get stressed out!). I did not even notice until hours later that the glass was all over the bedding, and yet I was sleeping next to it. It surprised me. I had not looked at where the glass had broke and thought it was a glass cologne bottle or something like that. anyway..

I know I have been under a lot of stess lately. I am sure that I have not felt those ways at least recently, or maybe I have just become aware of it and I am just now recognized it?

I do understand the political side of it but for me It never worked.

My Son was addh and He needed meds. I mean that kids could climb walls. I fought with everybody that just thought that It was a political issue I do understand..

I have 2 children age 27 son, and Daughter 25. My brother has 2 kids also. Son about 24 and daughter about 23. My nephew has been in prison already. and My neice is addicted to all kinds of drugs. MY Brother was the Golden child (GC) he is the one who between him and my SIL are worth about a million+. I on the other hand have been on welfare , and every other program that you can name. I worked with My kids and spent time with them. SIL and BRO worked all the time.I did not start working until My Son was 12. My Son is in College, doing well. He fought in Iraq and got an honorable discharge. My daughter has a few more problems but we are really close. She is a single mom with 2 girls. She toke a very small dosage of Adderall to get through school. My son toke different other psycotropic medacations. Both work and play hard have lots of friends etc. The best thing I evr heard My son say was "Mom I am so glad YOU kept me and made me take My medicine." MY neices and nephew did not get any medications. I think mental Illness runs in MY family.. could be a genetic thing? or I can trce back abuse through Many generations.

My DR. has me on a program that When I do not need to take Medications then I don't have to. I know that sounds strange but he has trained me to know the signs I monator myself and adjust accordingly. Normally I am off meds most of the summer starting in april or May. and I do not take medication then. Winters are different for me and stress is bad.. Right now I am going to start my full treatment, only because I have been stressed out.  I like that approach because all my systems get a break. The medicine also seems to work better that way.

I don't think anyone should feel bad about needing Medication during a rough spot. Therapy Is good to get at the same time to help you work out your problems. Then Hopefully You goal can be to not have to take medications. I think that is reasonable.

Honestly I do Understand where you are coming from on the over medication of America. I also think there is some abuse in the system. Problem is who really needs the medication and who doesn't?

Let Me know how your weekend goes! I think that is a great Idea to try it when you don't have the children!

Thank You for answering my post.
Right now OOTF is my life line! I think because of the abuse that I have been through my whole life My mind was so BLOCKED tha many of the psyc books I have bought and read did not help me much. I had just found my copy of Toxic Parents. I remember when I read it is is like it did not make any sense to me.

I was in Day patient treatment 2 times and I did not get real long term help from it. Probably my fault some because I did not work all the program when I went home.  Funny both notebooks just disappeared ... Hubby probably did not like the results he was seeing. One the Other Hand when I am Mentioning how MY NPD Mom Sis, and Hubby treated me etc. Why didn't they teach me about NPD behaviors and how it affected me? I could have been reading and understanding it better.

Treatment reccommended for me to go to a crisis center here... I went and the lady she seem crazy herself. I mean she could NOT SEE why I needed Therapy to leave my husband.. she thought I should have not problem filing for divorce and moving on...She should read the OOTF divorcing section!! I mean MY NPDH is very scarry. He beat me up so many times. ( he doesn't now because I called the law on him they filed attempted murder on him so he does not touch me now... )He really doesn't have to now the component of feer has been beat into me.

I just got on a medical insurance program, so I am hoping to find a T. I know that can be a chore in it's self. I have had the same physiciatrist for 24 years.. and I had a hard time just getting the medical to pay for that .

Yes the toolbox is a great source of information for me. I thought about all the NPDpeople in my family and went over everything and copy and pasted the problems each person had, and what not to do and what to do, and I have it in my notebook. I go over it each time I need strength and clarification.

I promise I will not answer every question every time.. as this site gets established. I just know how hard it is to start something new.. I think It is  a great plan you have though..I like the idea of putting the focus on Myself. I was a Forum Moderator for over a year for a popular game on Facebook. The game was sold to a russian game company so they removed the forum. So, I was out of a job! Are You going to put in spell check? I really need that. I am a great communicator but a very bad speller!

I do post on OOTF under a different name. I changed it because I thought that IF I needed to recomment this site to someone I do not want them to go to OOTF and see the things I wrote about them!:) Not sure IF you are intereted but IF you message me than I will confide in you what my OOTF name is.

Thanks Again.. I am at YOU service IF you need anything. I am going to apply as a Moderator when My life gets in better shape and I have more time!

I never take more than a half of seroquil. It did make me a litte foggy at first... but that wears off. I am not a DR. but I would try taking the 1/4 pill. What I have found is to judge how long you have the groggy effect and how soon the medicine starts to work.

For example If you are groggy for four hours after you wakeup you You could take it four hours early also balancing how long it starts to work. in My example If it starts to work in two hours you could take it 2 hours earlier and then you'd also be ok for you children in the evening because they go to bed earlier than you hopefully.

Also Seroquel is one of the safest medications for sleeping. I am sure that will help you with your worrying. It is NON HABIT FORMNG.  I always instruct my DR.that I do not want any Narcotics. Another thing to consider is that It might seem strong to begin with.. and then after a few weeks the effects wear off and YOU might have to UP the dosage. So YOU might be judging the drug as making you groogy NOW but as your body starts getting the SSI"s it needs, but I actually feel normal on it now. So I would think that you'd eventually get less groggy feeling in the AM/ They make me feel like I have had a great night of sleep with no groggyness now. I sleep through the night also. (normally I would up and down all night.) Wonderful medication for me! It is really a balancing drug that  balances your system, so my depression don't go so low and my manias dont go so high!

[• regulation of emotions (e.g., anger, hair trigger flight/flight responses, suicide ideation); • consciousness (e.g., dissociation); • self-perception (e.g., fragile sense of self; pervasive sense of shame, guilt, self-blame, of being completely different from other human beings) • perception of the perpetrator(s) (e.g., preoccupation with relationship with perpetrator); • relations with others (e.g., isolation and withdrawal, distrust of others, relationship difficulties, loneliness and feelings of abandonment/rejection); • systems of meaning (e.g., sense of hopelessness and despair, depression).]

•   regulation of emotions (e.g., anger, hair trigger flight/flight responses, suicide ideation);
•   consciousness (e.g., dissociation);
•   self-perception (e.g., fragile sense of self; pervasive sense of shame, guilt, self-blame, of being completely different from other human beings)
•   perception of the perpetrator(s) (e.g., preoccupation with relationship with perpetrator);
•   relations with others (e.g., isolation and withdrawal, distrust of others, relationship difficulties, loneliness and feelings of abandonment/rejection);
•   systems of meaning (e.g., sense of hopelessness and despair, depression). 


I do not know how many of these criteria that it takes to be diagnoised with CPTSD but I have these.

• hair trigger flight/flight responses, suicide ideation);
  consciousness (e.g., dissociation);
  
• fragile sense of self; pervasive sense of shame, guilt, self-blame, of being completely different from other human beings)
• preoccupation with relationship with perpetrator
  
• isolation and withdrawal, distrust of others, relationship difficulties, loneliness and feelings of abandonment/rejection);
  
  •   sense of hopelessness and despair, depression
    
  
  I fail to realize what disassociation is. I go into dream worlds when I am stressed. also sometimes when I am stressed out I just am not there.. I mean I could be like a spirit standing over myself looking down. I am not thinking or I am thinking to much, I at least can't remember what I am thinking..
  
  I have always fought depression. My first depression was at 16. as I have gotton older my depression is more severe.
  Mostly I have the flight or fight responses. Altough sometimes I wish I was dead I am Not suicidal.
  
  I have always felt like I did not belong where ever I am and whoever I am with. I isolate and withdraw myself a lot. I don't trust to many people.
  I am lonely and I can't seem to Make New friends.
  I can not say any of My relationships (marriages) were healthy
  

[I have a scrip for seroquel but it's so strong it scares me so I don't usually take it.]

Hi MajorM

I have a scrip for seroquel but it's so strong it scares me so I don't usually take it.

I take sorequel and it works good for me. I do not have it prescribed for daily use. My DR> prescribes is as a sleeping aid. I only take it when I can't sleep!

Perhaps there is a smaller dose that would work better.

[I thought my life was normal, all mothers did this stuff, all mothers smiled outside the house and beat you and shouted inside the house.Why I had to cook and clean and look after my younger siblings? That was simply because I was the oldest daughter and who else would do it if my mother was gone for months on end.]

I can identify with you.. actually I think YOU situation was worse than mine.

I thought my life was normal, all mothers did this stuff, all mothers smiled outside the house and beat you and shouted inside the house.
Why I had to cook and clean and look after my younger siblings? That was simply because I was the oldest daughter and who else would do it if my mother was gone for months on end.

I was put into this exact situation. the only difference is My NPD Mom was there physically but not emotionally. I was scared of her as a child. I never remember getting any physical hugs kisses of affection. She also Used corporal disapline to keep us in line. I remember one time sassing back to her and she slapped me so hard that I got a busted lip. She allowed My step- father to physically and sexually abuse me. When I confronted her about it she denies having known about it. We live in a 35FT trailer with no doors. I know she knew.

Why did I spend most of my time trying to figure out where to run away to, or hiding in my cupboard as a teenager? Not sure, but really needed to try and disappear for as long as possible so I could try and think and stay away from HER anger, try to keep myself safe from her stabbing me again maybe or threatening to kill me with an axe again.

I ran away the first time when I was 12. I went to friends house and carried all my clothes in a box 5 blocks away. Of course she came and got me...  I left home at 17 because of her abuse. I moved in with a BF that was not good for me either, but it was better than living at home!

I am so sorry that your Mom tried to stab You and threatened you with an ax. That must have been devasting to YOU the person who SHOULD have been protecting you  trying to do GREAT physical harm to YOU! (((Hugs))))

But I had to stay, my youngest brother needed me and I had to take him with me into the bathroom and lock the door, so he wouldn't see her beating my father and keep him from being there if I was next, which I usually was.

I still feel the need to protect My NPD Sis from MY mom. I was always the peace maker in MY family. I was elevated to MOM to my siblings when sh divorced NPD STEP Dad. I don't remember having a childhood. I feel like I was always a grown-up!

Wondered why I always had a foreboding feeling and thought about death and suicide all the time, and up until recently after many more things happened in my life with my mother adding more pain to pain

I thought at one time of committing suicide. I prayed very hard to have G-D remove those feelings from me. I was 21 at the time. I do not think I would be here except for My strong faith in G-D.

I am also grateful for this type of forum as it helps me to make sense of things.

The Out of the fog forum has helped me More than anything else that I have ever done to help myself. ( I am sure this forum will be a big benefit to me. also) I have been in day patient treatment 2 times. Some of it helped me... but until I realized More about personality disorders and How it affected me then I was still in a fog. The dynamics in My family were so bad that reading good books did not help me much because I didn't understand what they were trying to say most times. Forums help me because they are down in the trenches type advice and self help ideas!

I am the oldest child of five step siblings. My Mother is a Narcissist My first step father was a narcissist, I had 2 brothers who committed suicide in their teens. My Sister is a narcissist. She is/was the scapegoat. My brother and I get along but I never see him. He is the Golden Child.My Husband is a narcissist also. I see signs of Cptsd in My son who was in Iraq for a year. I see signs of Narcissism in My Daughter. Right now I am surrounded by all of these people who drive me crazy!

I don't remember much about My childhood but FEAR. I was afraid of both of my parents. I was the oldest child and was made to do all the things that were My Mothers responsibility. When I was 12 She divorced My StepDAD. Things should have been better but I was elivated to the family Role of Mother, and My Mother became the father.

I felt great Responsibility for My sibilings. When brother 3 committed suicide I felt like I should have prevented it. Brother 2 committed suicide the night I graduated from High school. I still feel responsible for My Sister because of My up bringing. My heart cries out for her to get help and understand the things I had discovered on Out of the fog website. My Mother NPD and I are in contact almost daily. She is almost 80 now and very healthy physically well. her NPD has got better since she has is older. I have a few issues with her.

The problem That Has really made MY cptsd worse is living with My NPD husband. The Last 17 years of My life have been living he$%. My strength mentally is lower than it ever has been.

I was Diagnoised with Bi-Polar disorder in My 20's, and I am being medicated for that. After reading about various Mental Illnesses I feel that I am really C-PTSD. I am hoping to get more information about Myself.