Messages

So this feeling malarkey... it's difficult. I can't get my head around it.
I'm learning about feelings. They confuse me SO much.

Today I felt something. I phoned my M. While I was dialling her number and the phone was ringing I suddenly became aware of my heart pounding and that I was shaking. I have no idea what emotion went with it.

I am wondering if people generally just blot out the emotion side of feelings or the physical side too.

I have never noticed that reaction before, I'm wondering if it was there before and I didn't notice or if it's new and things are bubbling up as I'm accessing more of my past and confronting it.

I'd appreciate hearing any thoughts, ideas, similar experiences, comments, etc you have.

Yes Slim, I get it.

Dot-to-dots.

Having that final revelation that makes a picture, something that makes sense. You know it, you see it. A beginning a middle and an end. It doesn't matter how big or small the picture is but something complete. It's HUGE.

I like looking at the bubbles. I wish I could float off in one. The puppies could come with us.

Thank you Bach, what a wonderful idea.
I know little me would like that.

Hello and welcome.

I will hold your hand while you sing.

1 I've woken up.

2 I've eaten breakfast

3 Comfortable clothes.

Today I found out the frog, one that lived in my childhood home's garden has died. I feel sad. I liked the frog, he would jump out and surprise me, but in a good way not a threatening way. I wish the frog hadn't died. I feel sad. I want to tell the frog I cared about it.

There lies the progress, I feel sad and I know why.

Painful this progress.

Why am I crying about a frog.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me.

I hope it's ok for me to ask you all more questions about your posts.

Rainagain- What does that adrenaline response you mentioned feel like, how do you know it's happening?

Slim- I had no idea that anyone could be feeling anger instead of, or perhaps along side, another emotion. I wonder how that works? How do you know if it's happening?

Saylor- Thanks for the exercise link, I'd not really thought about it before but it makes sense. I often pace a lot when I'm feeling something. I am wondering if that's a link I should look into further.

Rainydiary- Thank you for you post, and in particular sharing that you googled too. I felt so stupid when I did, like I should know. I'm sorry you had to google too, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

Thank you all.

Today I was angry.
That is an achievement for me because I knew I was angry. Before I didn't know what anger was I, I had to google it. It sucks tho as I had to be angry to get that I'd achieved something.
I am trying to sit with it now, that feeling. I don't know why I was unable to remain calm, previously i would have been. Something triggered me, I have no idea what it was. Right now I hate myself for the hurt I caused others when I was angry. It's really getting to me as I have no idea how to stop it happening again and be kinder to those I love.

What do other people do when they are angry? How do you work out what makes you angry? Any other thoughts/ comments/ ideas etc would be great to hear as I am struggling with this.

1 Our nearby park

2 More cuddles with little animals

3 A painful cut on my finger seems finally to be healing after about two weeks.

Hi SGB
I just wanted to say I've read your post and I hear your pain.

I'm glad you were able to talk to your husband and friends, even if there reaction wasn't quite fitting. Please do keep talking, or posting how you're doing on here.

Sending a hug if that's ok.

Thank you owl25, Bermuda and Bach for you messages. They ment a lot.

I am still struggling with the rejection from my Mum now I have reduced the contact we have. I have gained a more balanced view, that is a good thing, but painful. I guess I had hoped that somewhere deep down she might realise the pain she had caused and want to reconnect, but she has let me go. The few occasions we do talk she uses to try and place her bad decisions on my shoulders and make me feel guilty. She is good at it too. I long for her to want me and equally dont want to see her again. I'm drawn in two and exhausted by it.

1 Church was encouraging. Clear and helpful teaching.

2 New trainers.

3 I created a space.

Right now I want a Mum. One who'll listen, and be on my side when I've finished speaking. Someone to support me.

My Mum isn't like that. I will not ring her. It's better to feel alone and burdened than to hear her accusing voice or have her claim my pain as her own and have to heal her wounds while mine remain open to the elements.

I'm alone again.