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well, it's been a tough few days since i last posted here.  in an effort to reduce the tiredness i feel all the time i am very slowly trying to reduce the amount of meds i am taking.  very slowly. and it is actually pretty difficult to do.  i made a very small reduction in one of the antideps, and even that has tipped me into some pretty deep anxiety and EFs. i am going to give it a couple of weeks to see if i can acclimatise to it, before i think about another tiny reduction.  it is pretty frightening to me that i need to rely on such a heavy dose of medication to keep my mood even part way level. 
i took your suggestion, annakoen, about scheduling in a sleep each day, it is helping with the guilt. thanks for that.  and somehow it has helped me to get out more for walks.  as if i can do it if i know i can retreat under the duvet and recover from the EFs that inevitably happen when i go out. 

talking of going out, i totally embarrassed myself the last couple of days.  twice, twice no less. being very brave and passing the time of day with a couple of people when i was out and suddenly finding myself blurting out how ill i am and what has happened.  how could i have been so stupid??? it was like i had no control over myself.  and when i got away from them i spent hours berating myself for being so stupid and needy and spilling my guts all over people who obviously have no interest in me at all.  why would i imagine they care about me, who am i to them any way?? i still can't believe i was so stupid. i feel humiliated at my own behaviour. and also worried.  what is happening to me that i did this?  i feel like i am turning into one of those crazy old ladies you see sometimes in town, wandering around behaving weirdly, with everyone feeling embarrassed for them and avoiding them when they see them in the street. what is going on with me? am i going a bit loopy??

i really understand the guilt! i felt that way about my disabled ex when i left the marriage.  and he was a one for playing on my guilt and went to town on it when i left him.

i had (still have) to remind myself he's actually a grown up and quite capable of looking after himself. he recently had a couple of operations, one quite major. and i was only slightly tempted to offer to visit, help, make everything alright for him the way i always used to. and i resisted. three or four years back i would have been in a state about it. so i guess i have gotten better at it.

if your dad, sorry to sound harsh here, needs to have help to get to the hospital, or home, he might be able to call a taxi or arrange hospital transport if such a thing is available where he is.  like my ex, he is a grown up too. and imo, you are not responsible for him in any way no matter how much you might think you should be.

i wonder personally whether his sweetie remark was a manipulation. again, sorry to sound harsh, but i know that kind of manipulation too, where my ex would say nice things to me if he wanted something out of me.  when i had complied he ceased to see me really. until the next time he felt needy.  your dad's 'kindness' certainly seems to have triggered you into a great big EF. maybe that's what's going on, i don't know. all our situations are different.

anyway, annakoen, much support to you. may you regain your  balance soon 

wow! beautiful image!

yes i get what you're saying, so maybe you're doing both, eh? both attaining slowly your real goal  which is healing, and letting go of the one that was unattainable - finding it with the FOO.  sounds like good sense to me.

really feeling for your pain, D/U. this is so hard for you and you are doing such an amazing job of being honest with yourself and dealing with this c**p.

i hope you are managing not to beat yourself up too much about using old (and not so healthy) coping strategies as you try to get your head round what this all means for you and decide how you're going to deal with your father. sometimes if there's nothing in place yet to replace them, it's somehow impossible not to revert to old things. we've all got our fall back positions.  don't let the IC bully you on this one. you're doing your best.

but i guess i just want to say this is really big, and maybe dealing with one thing at a time is ok here. take your time, don't underestimate the impact this is having on you as you get wiser to what's happening in terms of the behaviours they are using to try to enmesh you. and at the same time deal with the huge amount of EFs that they trigger for you.

it really isn't a downhill road, though i know how much it must feel like it is and how desperate it feels to know you are waving goodbye to even the dreams and hopes of family you wish you had.  it is actually an uphill journey, that's why it's being so hard. downhill is easy, comparatively - you just slide.  and you're definitely not sliding downhill.  i take my hat off to you, Dutch. you are stronger than you know. it really has been a bloody difficult period for you and you're doing great, honest.   

aw hun  sending you a 

i like that! 
maybe i will get to the point of total rage about it one day. not all of mine are dead. the main cult leader is, but to dance on his grave i would have to go to the community's private graveyard... so, not gonna happen, even if i could find it in me to do it.
i guess to feel the anger you maybe have to believe first. believe that yes, it happened, it was wrong and it was done to you. without making excuses for them. 
how do youget to that poiint??

personally i feel a lot of conflict about being a victim, about having been victimised, and i relate a lot more to being a survivor. which is mad, becos what do i imagine it was that i survived all those years, if it wasn't those things??

it took me a full year between someone suggesting that i was in an abusive marriage, to being able to even partly accept it. i still have a problem believing that it really was abuse that my husband did.  it took many years to see how abusive the JP was, and to admit to myself that it truly was a cult, and to be able to say that without being overwhelmed with guilt and fear.  it was easier the second time around when the three women in the house i was part of started in on me, but still hard. hard to escape the terrible shameful feeling that i was the difficult person and they were not.  that was all part of the technique they were employing. 

i wonder if i have been truly able to engage with the depth of victimisation that i have been subjected to in my adult years.  it is very hard for me to believe that the people i loved so dearly, and invested in so deeply, really did that stuff to me, that they really did use me and so many others for their own purposes and so deeply abuse my trust. that what they did to me is what has made me so ill now.  how can it be? i loved them. i did what i was taught was right by them as best as i could.  could they really have done that?  how can it be true? there's still a lot of disbelief, which then devolves into self-blame - because after all, if they weren't wrong then it must be me who is.  i'm not sure how to get past this point. it goes round and round in my head still.

surviving is what i do. it's what i have done for decades, when life has been intolerable i have tolerated, when i couldn't bear it i bore it, when i couldn't carry on, i carried on anyway.  to me that is not particularly a positive image. it makes me feel afraid. it speaks of having to keep going, surviving when i had no choices, no way of escape, no self-determination, when all my courage and resilience was all used up, just to keep functioning as the good, kind, loving caring person i was supposed to be despite everything becos there is never a good enough excuse for not being that no matter what other people do.

endurance i have done in spades. it's healing myself that i find so difficult to envisage, to hard to be motivated towards, so afraid to engage in alone. so in that sense i am still surviving, just surviving.  i hate that there is part of me still, even after all this, that wants to find some help, some support, someone who can help me with the courage i lack, the motivation i have run completely out of. and more than that i hate that i can't have that, even tho i know it is out there, that there is treatment, there are professionals who can help, but i can't access that becos i have no money. and i can't get money until i am well enough to earn some. but i can't get well till i get some help. and that really hurts, and makes me very afraid that i will be stuck like this for ever. so i endure, and survive some more, becos as ever, i have no real viable choices.

sorry this is really negative but i am feeling very desperate just now.

Wonder if it is a symptom of our condition - the stress knocks us out and then trying to do life impacts us more ...

yes, i think it is. i find 'trying to do life' very very taxing.  trying to do normal everyday things is a real struggle, full of fear, guilt, anxiety.  even the smallest task.  trying to act 'normal' around people is even more burdensome.

i had a realisation today.  i am deeply triggered by feelings of tiredness. it makes me totally panic, feel terribly guilty, afraid, anxious.  and very very down and depressed.

i realised too the reason why this happens all the time. 

when i was in the JP (the cult i was in for years), we were kept busy all the time. i mean, all the time.  we worked all day, and every evening there was some kind of meeting, large gatherings, small gatherings.  there was never any time or space to be at rest.  to be inactive was virtually sinful.  to not be 'giving yourself' to others, 'serving the brethren', whatever, was seen as selfish, soulish, sinful. not loving God, or loving the brotherhood. to wish for times of solitude was seen as wrong, 'independent', not 'kingdom-hearted'.   to miss any meeting was not allowed.  we were constantly on the go.
then when i got married, i was unable to let go of the guilt if i ever relaxed. i used to dissociate, i think, reading books, watching tv, anything to soak up my brain which i couldn't shut down.  anything to escape from the pain of my relationship with my ex, and the constant activity involved in being his full-time carer (he was physically disabled too), both physically and psychologically. all at the same time as raising the kids, and doing all the 'man about the house' jobs he was unable to do.

in both situations, no matter how i felt, how exhausted, how depressed, how desperate, (and i was like that most of the time), i had to pull myself together and give, care, love, serve, put myself last, etc. 

so to me the feeling of tiredness is more than just feeling tired.  it is laden with guilt, fear, shame, dread. which makes it very hard to bear. 

don't quite know what this insight will lead to.  i maybe have a key to being able to rest without guilt?  or realise that i don't have to push myself over the limits when i don't need to.  or what? i am not sure.  i just felt some relief simply from the realisation itself.

just sending a  to you, Alice97.  and letting you know it's ok to write here when you are this low.  i always feel guilty too, but it really is ok.

totally relate to the stuff you said too, by the way. it's part of the cptsd battle, 9which doesn't really help but i find it reassuring to remind myself of it when i am so full of pain and doubt).  keep fighting, you're not alone. 

been followng this post, Dee, and kind of rooting for you in my heart. so just wanted to say you're amazing. i know how hard it is to deal with anorexia,  a dear friend i used to see often is in recovery now and i am so proud of her. i think you are one courageous lady and i hope you feel proud of what you have achieved, and for the huge step forward you took meeting up with this friend. wow.  big  to you!

saturday today and i have three days 'off' (i.e. my son doesn't need taking to work till wednes) which is good and bad at the same time.  i always feel relief when i don't have to get up at stupid oclock in the morning, even tho it was me who set it up like that so that i would actually get out of bed  in the mornings.  but at the same time, i fear the days when i don't have to get up becos i do tend to waste a lot of time on those days, sleep too late, lose motivation and so on.

tomoro is rat cage cleaning day, though, so i have to get on with that, which will help. 

when did my life get so small? or was is always this small and i was kidding myself that it had some meaning?.  don't go down that path, arpy, it will lead to the black hole...

so, how am i actually doing?  i am not too bad, but still very very tired. slept for a couple of hours again today. i seem to have started doing this again the last couple weeks, i had gotten out of the habit, but that was before the fatigue set in.

i am trying to  take less meds, at the moment. will discuss with GP when i see him on wednesday but i have that feeling of 'i've got to do something to help myself' again, over the constant battle with tiredness.  i realised today that i am not doing too well with the impulse control either;  when i feel powerless i tend to do stuff on impulse, like my mind is casting around frantically for a solution to whatever it is that is making me feel out of control of my life.  and when i think i have found one i jump on it.  and often it's not the best choice, or doesn't actually change much.  it's just about making myself feel better. 

i am really rambling here so i shall stop.  i feel a bit crazy if i'm honest, like my mind is slipping away again.  this is not nice. if only i could think clearly but all i want to do is go back to sleep .

sending you support, annakoen, and just to say it's ok to feel bad and hateful to your parents. it took me decades to truly see that feeling something is not the same as acting out on it.  that the hatred, fury, whatever is just a feeling.
and from the sounds of it, a healthy one, becos what happened to you was wrong.  i have such a hard time believing this in my deepest insides, but i am still convinced it's true.  just takes a bit of time i guess, to filter past the inner critic's defences.

i like reading your journal for the honesty and the courage i find here.

  yay, Boatssr! i am really pleased for you - it's good to hear you're resurfacing from the horribleness.  may the sun shine on in your soul, hon! 

[no rights]

sienna, you asked a few weeks ago here how i 'tidy up the crap' to present a face to the world. sorry, i missed that. the last days have been a struggle so my brain is a bit weird!

how do i tidy up? i guess, thinking about it, i do what i was trained in the cult to do... look at other people's needs, make sure they are ok, feed their needs, and that means i don't give anyone the impression that i am not coping. if you are 'giving' to other people they rarely look too hard at you.  they just think 'aww, she's lovely'  and go on their way.  i have done this for years, having been taught and thoroughly imbibing that my own needs were selfishness and sin, and that it was wrong to expect anything back.  the leader's voice shouting 'We have no rights, beloved' is always at the back of my mind.  it's been a tough enlightenment to realise just how cleverly manipulative that indoctrination was.  it basically meant that i had no boundaries and no sense of self.

so, not a comfortable explanation, but i think it's good you asked becos it made me think. so thank you hon.   

i don't know if this is any use, but when i had problems (tinnitus runs in the family but i dont think it was that) with my ears, and with dizziness and so on the ENT doc suggested that my neck being out would possibly exacerate the problems i was experiencing. my neck is nearly always out becos of tension, so it sort of made sense. just thought i'd mention that in case.