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Pete Walker has an article describing a c-ptsd typology around the 4F's: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

It us uncanny how well the Freeze/Dissociate Defense describes me. This is associated with the abandonment of early-life neglect. I'd be interested to hear from others for whom the freeze/dissociate type rings true.

As many have been saying, learning to be present with them and not resist them. Recognizing and embracing the concept that Pain + Resistance = Suffering.

The concept and book "Radical Acceptance" (Tara Brach) has been particularly helpful to me in learning to sit with and be compassionate towards my EF's. (Honestly, I didn't identify them as EF's until just recently).

Tara Brach uses the acronym RAIN: Recognize, Allow, Investigate,  Nurture.
This had been useful to me. She describes it in this podcast: www.tarabrach.com/dissolving-trance-rain/

1. Thinking i've displeased someone
2. Making a mistake, or fearing I will
3. Feeling ignored
4. Social gatherings
5. Small talk and "Clever" conversation
6. Having to do a lot of social interacting during a day
7. Romantic movies
8. Certain songs from my teens and twenties
9. Being in the presence of particular FOO members
10. Being in presence of acquaintances who I believe have seen my troubled side and behaviors and who I think do not respect me because if it

I understand. I believe I circled around this concept warily for years before I could really embrace it and practice it. Kind wishes to you.

I have no idea what safety is, I can't dig into my memory and find a time when I felt it. .... My sense of self and my body were formed in trauma. ...  I can't quite call it my "life", never been able to call this a life because it hurts too much but I also feel too little emotion. I'm not alive. I sort of... vaguely... exist. It's incredibly isolating.

This is all very familiar, Ah. Thanks for sharing your story.

Are there times that you have sensed your core self, so that you have a reference to point to? The periods of the "vacant soul" can be very bleak... I know this well.

When it hurts too much, I have been working with visualizing my infant self, holding him, and loving him unconditionally as if he were my very own son. Sometimes I can even break through the shame and self-loathing and actually FEEL loved -- actually feel worthy of it. I'm hopeful that with sustained practice I can begin to redeem my infant self.

Re the inner critic and self-compassion...

This has been an epic struggle for me as well. I'm getting some traction with the idea of holding myself with the same unconditional love that I hold my own son. I visualize that child-self at 6mo's old or so and think: "This child was born whole and sound and deserving of love. I will treat him with the same love, care, and protectiveness of a father to his own son".  When I can truly give myself over and believe this idea, it is incredibly powerful and healing.  But it is not easy, as we all know so well how hard it is for us to feel deserving of such love.  I have been committing myself intensely to this idea of self-compassion ("Radical Acceptance", as Tara Brach says it) for well over a year now (yet another layer of healing following decades of work).  And it is only now that I have moments of truly feeling it. I sense that this is the true path, and that I have a long journey ahead as well.

Kindly,
andrew

Thanks sanmagic7. And I notice my other post about grief resonated for you as well. I don’t think this is coincidental.

Yes, my experience is similar. A poorly  formed sense of self, dissociation from emotions. I recognize all this. And it is hard to scaffold in those connections after the fact. It is  a work in progress.

A definite yes to depression as a large piece of my story.  Chronic and relentless through most of my life, though I've developed some coping tools later in life.

Interestingly for me I thought it all was simply "chronic depression" until recently when I started learning about the "ptsd" nature of childhood trauma, and now I'm convinced I "have" c-ptsd ... and that it is a real thing.  This realization was pivotal for me, as I now see the depression as one symptom of something that is much bigger. And in dealing with it as trauma-based I am finding a more hopeful path to recovery, or at least accomodation, through that new lens.

Thanks for posting.

I'm curious if others experience this as part of their c-ptsd symptoms.  I often experience episodes of intense sadness/depression that I can only describe as "grief".  It includes intense emotional pain in my chest and throat, with moaning and dry sobbing -- to the point of being nearly unbearable.  In fact it is these episodes, if they last days and reach unbearable intensity, that lead me to substance abuse and suicidal ideation.

I've just recently learned about emotional flashbacks -- and the concept makes perfect sense to me and accounts for many of my intense emotional responses that seem untethered from the actual physical reality.  I'm thinking these episodes of grief are another example of an EF.  And I'm curious if others share this experience and see it the same way? 

If I do find others who share this symptom then I'd like to share coping strategies.  I am just at the begining of learning how to sit and work with it rather than trying desperately to make it stop.

Phoebes,

A big YES to this.  I've had many episodes of heart palpitations, dizzyness and near fainting which I finally decided were part of a dysfunctional vagal response.  And I also believe they are tied to the "somatization" symptoms in c-ptsd.  In fact, there are studies linking autonomic dysfunction to attachment dysfunctions in early childhood.  It's validating to hear of somebody else coming to that same awareness.

I'd like to clarify a bit what my inquiry is here.  I'm particularly interested in hearing from those whose primary trauma was in-utero or during infancy about which they have no memories since it was too early.  And especially around neglect and abandonment, as that the thread this is posted in.

Who else has suffered from very beginning of life due to inability of the primary caregiver to provide any secure attachment when you were first born?  What has your journey been like?

Woodsgnome, Your experience sounds horrible and painful. I wish you well on your journey towards daylight.

I'm horrified and truly saddened to hear of your experience. I wish you healing.

Hello liminalmagpies,

I can thoroughly empathize with your story and the difficult journey you've faced because of it.  I believe all of this comes down to our deep human need for safe, secure connection (which is intended to come from our first caregivers), and the profound injury that results from NOT receiving that.  You most certainly did not receive that -- and I know how hard that is.  For me I've recently come to this core, simple, but profound awareness that I am still seeking that unconditional love that I never received.  And I am discovering ways to provide that for myself, but it is still a work in progress.  I hope that is where your therapist is leading you as well.

It's been a while since you posted this and I'd like to know how things are going if you are able/willing to share.  I just posted an intro to myself under the "neglect/abandonment" thread regarding my own story.

Kind wishes to you.

Greetings community 

This is sort of an introductory post and I feel blessed to have found a community of people who's experience and struggles resonate so strongly with my own.  Thank you, @kizzie, for creating this space for us.

I believe that my core injury occurred during my first year of life and I'm curious to find others for whom this is also true.  I find this created a "unique" challenge for me in that I felt horrible from my earliest memories and experienced all the effects of c-ptsd as we all know them, but it was difficult to identify a source that could account for the severity of my challenges in a way that I could articulate to myself others.  It wasn't until I started becoming aware of the profound impacts of trauma and stress during the first two+ years of life, and started processing what was going on for me during that time, that I began my (still continuing) road of recovery. (And please know that in no way am I trying to make other experiences than mine somehow less traumatizing -- there are so many ways that we have been harmed, and our experiences so unique and nuanced -- that I would never minimize anyone's experience. If you are suffering, that is all that I need to know).

In my case, my family was in a violent disintegration when I was in the womb (my father was abusing my mother). My mother left my father when I was 6 months old, taking myself and three older brothers to live near her own mother. My mother was (understandably) depressed, unable to cope with an infant and 3 older children, and ended up being admitted to a hospital for depression for a few months during my second year (we apparently lived in a children's home during that period). 

All this is to say that during my first year of life I experienced the stress of witnessing anger and abuse in the household and most definitely did not receive any of the mirroring and secure attachment that an infant needs.  I'm certain that all the wiring for stress management, self-worth, and a positive sense of the world did NOT get laid down for me.  This was followed by continued trauma and shaming through custody battles and family dysfunction throughout my childhood.

Some of the resulting symptoms I've experienced are ones that most of us know well: painful chronic depression, a relentless inner critic, social anxiety and dysfunction, emotional flashbacks (of the "freeze" variety), dissociation during times of intimacy or stress, cognitive deficits (largely due to the cognitive load of managing all the other symptoms).  Most of my life has been a journey of re-parenting and building that wiring on my own and with the help of a few trusted therapists and loving friends.

One of the consequences of my trauma being so early in life was that my parents, siblings, others often told me that since I wasn't aware of what was happening back then, and that my parents were already divorced by the time I was "aware", that I was the least affected by the family dysfunction.  The "you don't have a reason to be so troubled" message, which of course was immensely invalidating and shaming, on top of the original injury.  (Adding insult to injury, as I like to call it).

I would be interested in hearing from others who's stories have a similar arc.  Did you also feel "wrong" from your earliest memories? What are some of the ways it has manifested for you? When and how did you first recognize that the timing of your trauma was a key factor, and start forgiving yourself?

And thanks. I'm glad to have found this group to share experiences and successes with.