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Clarifying a bit...  For me this was the core injury, yet it was hidden from view. Hopefully this info will be useful to others for whom this is also true.

While the depression angle is interesting, it really doesn't help undo any of the damage. 

Agreed. And it sounds like you've come a long way in processing your past.

For me it was revolutionary when I realized that my first year was so dysfunctional and traumatizing. I finally understood the reasons for my pain and emptyness. I finally got that it wasn't my fault, and I could finally begin to let go of the shame and begin the long process of healing.

A lot of the threads here focus on personality disorders and other more "acute" mental illnesses in parents.  And these are indeed severely traumatic to children.

I think it's also important to recognize the significance of maternal depression -- particularly how it interferes with secure attachment in infants, which in turn leads to the abandonment issues that so many of us grapple with. 

Here are just a few references:

• http://www.parents.com/baby/health/postpartum-depression/how-depression-affects-your-family/
• https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/maternal-depression-can-undermine-the-development-of-young-children/
• https://www.researchgate.net/publication/299844940_Postnatal_Depression_Mother-Infant_Interactions_and_Child_Development
• 
  http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0014488614002842
• http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/stress-and-pregnancy-prenatal-and-perinatal/according-experts/effects-prenatal-stress-child

Pete Walker attributes the "Freeze/Dissociate" defense as largely attributable to profound abandonment in early childhood: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Kindly.

I experience this too, but from a slightly different angle. I'm not gregarious or extroverted, but I am curious and caring and long for connection. But I end up at a similar place:

I get a lot of anxiety and it makes me withdraw

....plus the anxiety typically leads to disociating and shutting down.

Interestingly,  for me it was from being in DBT, and suspecting that I might be in the realm of BPD that I first became aware of the broader impact of my childhood trauma and that it wasn't simply "chronic depression". I'd always felt there was something more complex at work. It  was a useful revelation for me. 

Now I realize that BPD doesn't fit, but c-ptsd does. And that's a much more useful framework.  But it was still a useful doorway to the truth, for me.

Yes to all this. It shapes my moment to moment interactions.  And I need a lot of down time to recover from constantly walking the tight rope.

But here is an ironic up-side that I recognized not so long ago:  it is likely this fear of failure -- of being witnessed to fail -- that kept me moving forward over the years, when I would otherwise have given up and given in.

Welcome spinozaspinoza (I like that guy)

As blueberry says

Lots of us didn't think we suffered "enough" to have C-PTSD.   

But keep in mind that the impact of stress and neglect during early life is profound. Perhaps spend some time on the neglect/abandonment thread. You'll find lots of fellow travelers there and elsewhere.

Kindly.

FYI, I changed my forum name to provide a bit more privacy.

I appreciate all the discussion here.... thank you. I thought it might be useful to "compare notes" with others with similar patterns. It is what it is, as you say WG .... simply what we must find a way to work with. And understanding it provides tools for that.

There was a point at which I realized I could choose NOT to engage socially (not sure why that was a revolutionary  concept) and it was a blessed relief to NOT always force myself to be social and pretend to be ok.  And my sweetest days are when I am (a) alone, and (b) not in the midst of an EF or otherwise dysphoric.

And I also appreciate  the positive traits you note, WG.  But I find the dissociation and social paralysis to often be.... inconvenient. 

And no.... You were not born distant. And it is not your fault.

11. Catching myself with a selfish/shameful thought

I'm hoping you have a T to work with on this, or would consider seeking one.

It sounds like neglect and abandonment to me. I also would wonder how you were related to before you were aware. The mirroring and attachment during that period is critical.  For myself, recognizing this was the beginning of my path towards healing.... which still continues.

Kindly.

The absence of warmth and empathy you describe is new and foreign to me. And it sounds excedingly challenging.

If anything I tend towards too much feeling, and longing, and dependence on its reciprocation. And my freezing and disociating is an escape from that. At times have wished I could care less.  But I see that is not something to wish for.

I appreciate your openess.

When I first talked about my problems — last year — I couldn’t talk about them except in vague sentences without being intensely embarassed. Without denying some things. Without minimizing, self-hatred or even an anxiety that lasted after for hours straight. I was convinced they would all turn on me.  Memories like this have become another trauma in itself to me and I can flashback into them from time to time.

I understand this. I had similar experiences when I first started talking about and processing my dysfunctional inner life.

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

My whole life is an acting job, and if I'm tired eg. at the end of a busy work day, I just can't do it. 

My oh my do I get this! I'm so glad to hear others articulate this.