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I have years of emails and I am worried it is a lot for anyone to go through but I  want to be able to show to police and court the insanity of it all.  I found one email where he blames me for a fight the night I left and essentially blames me for him grabbing my 12 year old daughter when she tried to take trash out to get away from his anger.  He grabbed he so rough she ended up falling. Then he says he should have pressed charges on me. Oh he claimed I pressed charges on him for that and I didn't because I left town the following day.  I guess I am worried it is so much people won't want to see but I think it all shows how nuts it is. Dude has brought up me being sexually abused multiple times to shamed me and I have a text where he claims to havr been molested as a teenager. Oh he told me not to take our son to a church  years ago that had a gay pastor but a year ago he claimed to me that he was bisexual. It's all weird. No wonder I let myself believe he was okay. The insanity in those emails just makes my head spin.
  I actually was thinking about going to police and saying look I have all this what can I do but I got sidetracked by my son yesterday telling me he had a nightmare while at his Dad's that Dad kicked him out. He said it was so distressing he could not go back to sleep. My son is in therapy but is resistant to sharing about Dad with anyone but me. 
  Anyway thanks for saying it isn't right. I know it isn't but I feel like I need people to say this is nuts and wrong.  I was looking at emails last night asking myself why I let it go when I had a restraining order? I had a restraining order for four years and I never called the police over harassment. I don't know maybe I thought I was supposed to deal with it because I have his son.  Not sure why I didn't but I need to do something now because this is not right.

Please forgive my frequent posts.
So I am been looking through old emails to figure out how to present it. I have kind of just saved and pushed them to the back of my mind. Anyway I am not even through 2010 and my head is spinning. There are his usual threats of court. Accusations that I got a restraining order against him fraudulantly. Threats to have child support modified which again he claimd is fraudulant. Him talking abouy his pain while I was pregnant. Lots of emails about his job situation which at times was nonexistant. Job complaints. References to the night I left in which he minimizes what happened. He keeps saying that we need to talj about his job situation our breakup. He says he won't pay child support through registry due to his job situation. At another poiny he claims he will once he has steady income. I think I might have one from this past year where he putd thr blame on that on me. Brings up cost of storage which I had given up on since he wad being difficult about . Anyway the ones that stopped me was one day he asks me for money to go visit his sick mom. In that email he included forwards about conversations about his mom. In one of those he calls me a dingbat, a b**ch, and says I have psychotic thinking. Oh and he sayd somryhing about me needing to grow a heart.  Two days after that he emails me he is back from visiting mom. No I did not give him money for this. Anyway this email he says he will be sending child support after he gets his check the next day. The day after he emails me asking about out son. Says child support is in the mail. i did not answer that. I had just replied to his email for money three days before this and still was processing the insulting of me to his family. Three days later he emails me demanding a response and copies his family members. This I did respond. In his reponse to that he brings up the breakup again, my daughter, the restraining order, and again says we need to sit down and talk.  I realize now there are probably plenty of instances where I should called the police because of the restraining order. I thought I was dealing okay with him looking at them now I don't think I was. This guys reality does not seem to match actual reality. 
Anybody know how to organize stuff like this? I am not sure how. It's creepy though because it seems like while he is harassing me and abusing me he is still thinking we can patch things up.   

Well that went well. Is there an emoji that bags its head against a wall? Or pulls out its hair?    I got two responses back. One where he accuses me of many violations of the court order. Accuses me of treating our son like a possession for saying I won't sign a way full custody in response to him tell me to make a choice about it. Oh he said I must be related to Trump.  He again says he will bring our son food whether I like it or not. Tells me to get a restraining order for it. Threatens CPS again. Dares me to say no to our son about extended visits. and accuses me of getting bad advice in the court's eyes.
Thenhe send me another email and this is the fun one. He says he has a phone record of me consenting from Friday. This is interesting because I am not all sure that it is okay to record kid's phone calls in my state. I never talked to him directly and if he did have such a record it would show him saying, "I don't care" when our son said I hadn't said anything yet. My consent was only given to keep our son out of a fight that his father would have no problem bringing him into. He then says can ypu say phone record. He goes on to kind of not spell  but pronunciate phone record as if I am stupid. He then goes on to say he has records he can pull up from our son's phone because he is the administrator of that phone. This time he says can you say emails and then does the pronunciation pronunciation thing with emails. My gmail account is connected to our son's phone. So far common thought is he is saying he has alreadt accessed my email or is threatening to. Oh and a friend just pointed out to me todat that he has pictures of my daughter on his facebook. She is not his kid abd he posted them after I left him. Like a year after I left. I am going to help my daughter report them tomorrow because I asked her if she was comfortable with it and she said no. One of the pictures is of her half dressed at about 5 years old. I am creeped out by that. 

So I sent an email to my son's father stating I would not be signing over full custody to him. He has been giving me ultimatums about this lately.  I also stated there was no reason for him to be showing up at my house except to pick up and drop off our son.  I said I needed an email the day before a visit giving me information about when he is picking up and dropping him off.  I stated what the order says about two overnights and the 8 week long visits. I also pointed out that we are supposed to work together on the visits but if he is not even consulting me then it is a moot point.
  I got anxious before I even sent it and am still anxious. He might not see it until if he gets off of work tomorrow morning. I don't expect he will take it well or that he will actually even respect my wishes.  Tomorrow somehow I need to explain to my son that Dad should only be coming for drop offs and pick ups in a way that will hopefully keep his father from making me seem like an evil witch for expecting some respect for me and my mom and my role as his mom. 
  I know I can't control how he reacts but it is scary wondering how he will react. 
   

I believe you Andy because I know intimately how these people work.  Also I have been verbally abused by an ex-abuser and his wife. I fondly think of it as tag team abuse. It sucks to feel not believed or not heard.  At times it even feels like these people are reinforcing the abuse. 
  I am thinking about making the complaint when my son is out of the program. Usually I wouldn't but I felt so invalidated and shamed by someone who is supposed to know better.  I wonder how many others she has made to feel that way.

I am so glad I found here. I have been holding stuff in for so long.  Now I struggle with holding it in. 
  I don't know the world seems so wacky and insane lately to me.  I used to believe more in the system's ability to protect me. I have always been a major supporter of therapy and any mental health help. Now I wonder who can I trust? I also wonder really how far have we come as far as domestic violence.  I keep thinking about this movie based off a true story from the '80's about a woman named Tracy Thurman.  The cops did nothing to protect her and eventually her ex ends up brutalizing her while a cop takes his time to get there and then when he does takes his time in arresting him. There was a time I thought that we had come further than this. I don't think so anymore. When I called the police whem my ex said he was going to kill me and I knew he was on his way over it took the cops four hours to get here. 
   Anyway thanks guys for hearing me out. I feel so alone and I worry if I just let all this out to others they will just be bothered or think I have lost my mind.  I can't keep holding it all in.

I am still looking for someone for myself. This lady doesn't really help my faith that someone is going to understand what I am going through. My son won't be seeing this therapist much longer but I just felt so beaten down by her. I was trying to explain my concerns and she is like well your son reported he is happy.  I really want to ask her, "So I am supposed to let this man trample all over my boundaries so my son can report he is happy while he is losing respect for me everyday?"  I just wanted her to keep an eye on him for any conflicting emotions or if he says something that sounds off.  I felt like this woman was hostile towards me too.   i tried to explain to her that he has my son in his care and was harassing me today so I was terrified of replying and I was also terrified of not replying. She wasn't very understanding and cut me off. Basically told me I needed to put aside my feelings because my son is reporting he is happy spending time with his father. Yeah my son is enjoying all the expensive toys Dad buys him.  Sorry I feel very much like Dad is buying his loyalty and I don't have a chance because I don't have that kind of money and even I did I think there should he limits.  So while he is buying all this stuff for him he is also giving me ultimatums about giving him full custody and putting little things in his head against me.  The therapist sais something about have I noticed my relationship changing with my son. Yeah he came home angry at me over something Dad said to him about me twice. He used to come home and talk it out with me when Dad did these things.  We would talk about how those things bothered him. Now he comes back automatically assuming I am terrible for these things.  Yes my relationship is changing with him when my son throws a tantrum in a store because I didn't buy him four dollar mints. You know my son actually told me he felt guilty for lying about me to Dad in order to agree with his bashing of me. But yeah I am terrible for wanting to protect myself from a guy who is so consumed by his anger that he would say things to our son about me that hurt him.
  I have had enough shaming to last ten lifetimes.  I am stunned that a therapist would behave that way.  If I was an capital B word I would make a report on this therapist to her supervisor. Somehow I don't think that when someone is trying to tell a therapist about domestic violence that their response should respond that dismissively or ignore those concerns.  And I did say he is abusive but she still was rude and dismissive.  I think I even said he threatened to kill me at one point. 
  At least the lady on the Domestic Violence Hotline was nice. I bawled my eyes out to her.  She helped me feel less hopeless but I am still worried that I will not be heard when I try to speak up about this stuff. 
 
   

Well for the second time I have been shamed for refusing to do a family session with my son's Dad who is verbally and psychologically abusing me but hey let me put aside MY feelings.  I called to talk to her after my son's father decided he would keep our son longer without even consulting me but yeah let me put aside my feelings. And oh yeah he told me he was going to kill me but let me put aside my feelings. He textex me this morning about a hospital bill he says he is going to tell his insurance not to pay but you know got to put aside those feelings. And I need to put them aside even after the emails where he is continuing his threats and trying to give me an ultimatum to give him full custody. You know because I shouldn't have any feelings about a man who harasses me, threatens me and talks bad about me to out kid.  What kind of therapist would say that kind of thing?  Why do I have to feel like the bad guy for trying to say this man is using our kid against me?!   I never imagined in my life that I would be told by a therapist to put aside my fear of someone as if it's wrong of me to feel an emotion he engineered in me.  I want to cuss. I want to yell. I want to make a complaint against this woman for ever saying something like that to a domestic violence victim.   Yes she is there for my son. So if I try to report that I can't set a boundary for my safety with his father out of fear shouldn't that be concerning to her? I felt so hopeless after that call.  I actually started to think that I would have to reliquish custody of my son to have peace of mind.  GREAT therapist there! 

So I am going to put this down here because it keeps going through my head with my fears of what my son's father is capable of.  So when I got together with his father I had two girls.   My youngest girl was around one. When we were first together he treated her like he REALLY wanted to be her father. He spent time with her and spent money on her. He would take her places while I was at work.  Up until we moved to another state with him it seemed he was going to a good father figure for her. Then we moved.  He started punishing her excessively. Like at one point ge had her sitting in her room with no toys and her dresser was in the closet so she couldn't get that stuff. She was about four or five. One time I was trying to teach her and make it fun and he came in a took over grading her work on a scale of 0-100.  Anyway there is this one incident that when I think about I feel such shame and nauseous over it. This guy will buy you stuff or spend money on you and make you feel guilty or talk bad about what he bought you. So this one time my daughter said she wanted to go visit the neighbors. From what I could tell he took it as her wanting to live there although I am unsure how he made that jump in reasoning. He starts telling her that she can leave but she can't take anything with her. She can't take her toys or clothes. She can't take anything because HE bought it for her.  It culminated with him having her downstairs by the front door naked and him telling her she could leave like that. I remember being so horrified by this and not knowing what to do.  I think about this and I wonder could he do the same to our son?  I am not even sure what kind of abuse to label it as but it seems so wrong and evil. I am so scared of what he could do to our son and that my son might now realize how abnormal it is.  I keep replaying this incident in my head. God! I hate that my daughter's experienced any of this. 

Thank you! I was feeling a bit guilty for being suspicious but I keep thinking about the ways in the past that he has tried to get around this boundary. He used to tell me we needed to get together to discuss his job situation, one time I remember he alluded to spending Christmas in my home making it about our son waking up on Christmas. You know I can't remember when I let my guard down on this and convinced myself he was behaving better because he never was.  Oh when he was homeless he was sleeping in his truck in the parking lot of my apartments which creeped me out so badly. 
   I am going to try and see what help I can get this week.  I am so exhausted and lost on how to handle all of this. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  The doubting myself does not help either.   

Thank you Three Roses. I am doubting myself so much. It is so hard because I used to be more confident in my parenting abilities. I have a 23 year old who has a job and is in college yet I am still afraid of making the wrong decison.
  I don't think his father cares about the court order in any other way but to hurt me and control me. One example he got them to put in about our son having his own room(He was a toddler when this was going on). My attorney made sure to carefully word it about economic situations. Here is the thing. I am sure that he has not always had a room for him. In fact, this could be the first time he has had a room for him but it is something he uses to threaten and berate me. He is not supposed to drink before or during visits and I know he does that. He is not supposed to harass me either but he does. He has taken him on an out of state trip without giving me details about that trip. I was looking at the court order the other day and realized I could have kept my son memorial day weekend which is the weekend our pool opened at our apartments. 
   I am also really afraid of setting some boundaries here because I think he might be triangulating me and my son. I am afraid my son will just see me as being mean because he does not seem to see his Dad's anger at me as abnormal or excessive. He also seems to think at times that I am the only target of that anger. 
  Weird enough my son texted me from his Dad's this morning saying his phone is missing. I texted back asking how and when. His Dad then texted back that he doesn't know and then said something about him having a sleep over. I am highly suspicious of this it just seems to conincidental that the weekend he says he isn't doing email anymore and that my son's phone is missing suddenly. Waiting to see if Dad gets him a new one or lets that stand so my only way of contacting our son while with him is through him.

So I typed this out yesterday. Since then my son's father tried to call me twice and I refused to answer. I had told him last December I would no longer take calls after he said he was going to kill me. I refuse to put myself in that position again. Since I typed this out I am worried I handled this wrong. I am worried how my son's father might use any of this against me with him.   I am worried. I did not sleep well last night because just him calling got my heart beating hard, made me feel nauseous and started that fear of what if something bad is happening or will happen if I don't take that call.  So I guess anyone have any feedback for me or words of support? I realized yesterday how much my trust in myself has been damaged when my nearly 23 year old confirmed for me that her brother's father's version of events was not accurate. Even though at first when I was told what he said I thought no but then I started to worry I was wrong.
So I have been trying to figure out how to set a boundary for my son asking his father for things and his Dad just showing up but I hadn't quite figured it out yet. On Thursday my son's father emails me to attack me over our son's requests for food two nights this week. I responded back that on one night he had eaten and refused the other food I made. The other night we had actually had been on the way to the store to buy food when my son did it. I pointed out our son was being picky and basically being a kid. I asked him not to bring food anymore and told him about how I was trying to encourage our son to eat healthier since he has expressed distress over his weight. His Dad's response was to question that he didn't eat the food HE brought him. I responded back that it doesn't matter what he refused. That he is doing it and we need to tell him no sometimes. I kept stressing that he is just being a kid so he doesn't take his anger out on our son. I said we just need to teach him better habits.
Anyway not sure why I thought he would honor my request but yes I heal that delusion until the next morning when I got his next email. He will bring our son food whenever he wants. He has no idea what goes on in my house. He makes claims that imply that I am causing our son's depression. Brings up the lady who recently lost custody of her son over vaccines to scare me. Oh and says he will be moving back to Colorado in a few years because he doesn't want our son's custody case transferred to Texas. He told me I need to get a lawyer in Colorado. That email ends and I get another on him attacking me about welfare. Then another where he say our son thinks his body is changing(puberty) and he says thanks for speeding it up. I have ruined our son's innocence for telling him about Santa at nearly ten years old. Attacks me over our son sharing a room with his younger brother even though my son doesn't like to sleep in the upstairs bedroom on his own. Says something about several CPS notifications.
At this point I sent an email back stating that his refusal to respect me is noted. I pointed out that 50/50 is not him threatening and verbally and psychologucally abusing me to get his way. That I don't know how to communicate with him of he refuses to listen to me. I pointed out that me taking our son to a hospital recently when he was talking about hurting himself was an emergency(He claims I needed tp wait until I saw him with a knife in his hand). I ended the email with requesting him show respect for my relationship with our son and pointed out that it is confusing to him when his Dad openly shows hostility towards me.
Hos response to me calling his behavior abusive was, "Are you kidding me?" There are five more emails after that. He claims again I needed to wait for our son to have a knife in his hand to consider it an emergency. He says my reign is over and I am going to have to pay him child support. Oh he says stuff about getting a job. Says he gave me a choice. Somewhere in all that craziness was something about the email and I though is he is threatening me on refusing to communicate with him any other way?
So when my son got home that afternoon he calls his Dad to get him for the weekend. I happen to overhear Dad tell him that he os keeping him until Tuesday. This is not something that was even brought up to me
until I hear his Dad say it on the phone. I was stunned and I said that Dad needed to email me about this because it worries me that he seems to think he doesn't need to even consult me about this. What if he just decides not to bring him home one day? Dad says email is not happening anymore. It's not working. I am quiet at this point because I am trying to figure out how the heck do I handle this? My son's Dad says something to him and my son says, "But mom hasn't answered yet." Dad says, " I don't care!" At this point I am like whatever to avoid a fight and his Dad showing even more outright disrespect to me to our son. Not that I believe he won't while he has him in his care but I didn't want to argue with his Dad in front of him. So now he has my son until Tuesday. Court order says he is two have two overnights a week and 8 one week visits a year. Court order also says we are supposed to work together which seems like a joke. I am nothing to this man but a target for his anger. He isn't going to work with me and if I push back he can make it worse for me and our son.
I need to go to the Domestic Violence Shelter this week. This is all spinning around in my head and I am scared of how far this man will go. I want to believe that he genuinely loves our son but right now it very much feels like he is a tool or a possession to him. I definitely do not think working with this man is possible. I feel like the court order is nothing more than a tool for him to continue his abuse of me. Tired and helpless right now and I don't know where to turn. I want to laugh at the absurdity of being accused of accelerating our son going through puberty but it's not so funny when I am this close to it.

No I don't have one but am working on finding one. I actually thought of doing that after I posted this.  Called the domestic violence center earlier this week but am waiting to find out when someone has some time free to help me get there and pick up my boys after school too. That way I am not so anxious about being late to get them from school.  Sometimes it seems like jusr coordinating everyone's needs is a task in itself.

  My son is angry at me for leaving his father 9 years ago.  He doesn't even know what went on then or a lot of the stuff his father has said to me since. This man has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive to me but my son in upset I left. I don't even know what to say to him.  I feel like I am in a losing battle for my son's affections. Can't tell him that Dad has been abusive to me and his sisters, and I don't know how to explain it otherwise. I tried using Dad's anger since he has seen firsthand but apparently according to my son that's only at me or others who hurt him or some other such nonsense.  So yeah I guess it's okay for Dad to be angry at me like that.  I am lost. I don't even know what to do. 

No I don't have anyone to watch them. Two of them are old enough to be at home for awhile but the three year old is not. My older one is old enough to babysit but due to her anxiety I just don't think she can handle the little one. 
  I know me getting help will benefit the little ones but I am so scared that getting help can and will be used against me.  One of my kids fathers recently went so far to threaten me with court, cps and making sure I would never get a job as a teacher which is what I was going to school for before my world crashed.   I have had cps calles on me multiple times by another and he even threatend it when I would not agree to back down from a child support review. Oh he also likes to call cops. He calls them on me, his wife and our 14 year old daughter.   I have had to change my thinking fro what do I think is best to can this be used against me if CPS is called.  Of course CPS won't help when I call about my concerns. I used to believe CPS was a good thing, now I think it is nothing more than a tool for a man to harass his ex.
  I want to get help though. I am just so afraid that I could lose my kids or even beinf told I am wrong. 
  I am going to keep looking and I am going to find something I just hate how paralyzed my fear can make me feel. I hate that decisions are so hard because one minute I feel confident in it and the next my mind is going on and on about about how that could be the wrong decision.  A year ago someone td me to apply for disability for my daughter but I still haven't done it because what if it is the wrong decision?  I had another friend suggest I apply for both me and my daughter and while I was talking to her I felt okay I can do this and then those thoughts started.  My head is just a mess.