Messages

I spent time in counseling as a teenager but I don't think that we dealt with any of the hard stuff. Even my sisters both had counseling as teenagers and we are all finding or have found that it wasn't enough.  This is one of things one of my abusers tries to use against me periodically too. 
  i always thought my ability to forget in order to cope was kind of cool. Until I sat in someone's office and tried to explain how I was abused by others too and my mind just wouldn't pull that information out even though I know that each time I realized this was abusive and left.   I tend to choose controlling and angry men who usually have a substance abuse problem. While I can't remember my father well I have wondered if those behaviors fit him.  I do know that as an adult my father asked me to write a letter saying that stuff didn't happen. I ignored it.  Yes I was so in denial about the effects of my abuse I sought a relationship with my abuser but that is another story for another day.

   

Thank you for all the replies.  I feel kind of crazy when I am waffling back and forth. It helps to know that I am not the only one.  I still have contact with my abusers because I have children with them which I don't think helps. Trying to figure out how I can protect myself more and get myself help to work through all my trauma.

So I am having trouble with making decisions. For instance, someone suggested to me a year ago to apply for ssdi for my child who was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I keep going back and forth on it and it keeps me from acting. A week ago it was suggested I apply for myself and I keep second guessing it. Then today someone else suggested it. At first today I felt like okay I can do this and then within a half hour I start questioning myself and doubting. Does anyone else do this?

So I have spent most of my adult life kind of minimizing what happened to me as a kid I think. I have even gone so far as to think that the onluly thing bad about my childhood abuser was that he molested me and my sisters.  I honestly had to ask my older sister today if my Dad had angry outburts and was highly critical because I don't remember. These are traits of men I have chosen for my adult relarionships. My sister said yes to both of my questions but I don't remember. My memories of my father kind or center around the sexual abuse even though those memories are sketchy too. I know the first time it happend I checked out and I remember coming to awareness towards the end. I also remember how beforehand my abuser made it spund like it was going to be such a treat to spend the night in his bed.   I even remember one time where I think me and my abuser were alone and my friend wanted me to spend the night. I remember just a feeling of not wanting to be alone with my abuser and an immense feeling of relief when my friends sister was able to get a yes to me spending the night at their house.
  The thing is it really bothers me that I remember so little. That I can't remember behaviors the my sister describes as "evil" in our abuser.   Does anyone else have this problem of seeming to have selective memory?  On the one hand I don't want to remember but on the other its disturbing to think I might be choosing men like my abuser. 

Thank you for responding. I am feeling alone and although I know my family loves me I am not sure they grasp how agonizing some of this is.
  I have questioned whether my daugher's father has npd. He also has a wife who has her own issues that I have to deal with.
  I have also wondered about my son's father because he can be very controlling. The past couple of weeks I have to deal with threats of him getting a lawyer, calling cps, calling me crazy, accusing me of being drunk or high. This was all because I sought mental health treatment for our son who said he was having thoughts of hurting himself.
  I know I have quite a few symptoms of ptsd but I have noticed I often feel like I am in danger and wonder if I am having emotional flashnacks? I don't know. I feel paralized at times because I am afraid I am going to do something wrong.
  I guess I really want some support and direction because I know something is not right with me.

So it has been suggested to me by more than one person that I have CPTSD.  The symptoms I have been having started in May 2016. At least I think they did. I know they became more pronounced. While searching PTSD I kept questioning whether I was having flashbacks until I came across emotional flashbacks a CPTSD. So I guess I am wondering if anyone can relate. 
A little background: I was molested starting at age 5 to 9 and subsequently been in more than one relationship with verbal, psychological and emotional abuse.  I began noticing my hypervigilance after my daughter was hospitalized for writing about her death while with her Dad. He used the letter to berate me, refused to tell me what hospital he was taking her to, when I found that out he was briefly able to bar me from her psychological evaluation and then he managed to get us all put in the same room for about 10 hours.  After this is the first time I started to feel different but there are many more events before and after that have been traumatic for me. I do not remember a whole lot of my childhood and actually had to ask my sister about my father's(abuser) personality.
  Anyway I am constantly on edge. Many night when I go to bed my heart is racing, it feels like it is pounding, I feel so tense like I can't relax, I am exhausted but there is no way I can fall asleep immiediately and at times I felt a tightness in my chest that scares me. Loud noises bother me. I jokingly ask my kids to open cans of biscuits for me because just the thought of the noise and suddenness of it popping puts me on edge.  Whenever I have to deal with my kid's father who have been emotionally and verbally abusive I started dreading it and getting tense.  I actually try to avoid phone calls because I feel like someone is going to be mean to me. My memory has not been what it used to and at times it's hard for my brain to focus on things, even things that should be easy for me.  At times I am walking around and feel like I have a scarlet letter, like everyone can see there is something wrong with me.  I don't feel trustful of anyone. I am constantly afraid of doing something wrong so making decisions about my kids can be excruciating if not impossible. 
  Anyway there is probably more but these are the things off the top of my head that I have experiencing. I am feeling helpless and like I am powerless in protecting my kids and myself.