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tea-the-artist

As I've read your posts this came to mind: "Is it possible that this is a transition period, like rebooting a computer to its original "factory" settings? Our brains are rewired by our traumatic experiences. Could this sense of being lost be a mourning for the person you thought you were and a fear that there is no "factory setting" to return to?

I'm not suggesting you be content to remain like this or not seek help, I'm just wondering if this interpretation of your experience might help as you make the transition/reboot.

If you are checking in with the forum tonight, it's Tuesday Jan 24 at 9:32 EDT and I'm reading your recent posts and thinking of you. Best wishes for tomorrow!!!!

You're welcome! Our goal is, as Pete Walker puts it, to go from surviving to thriving. I'm still in survival mode, but this group makes that easier!!!!

Welcome to the forum. I think you will find a great deal of support here. You certainly have been through a lot. It's a wonder we make it through everything, isn't it?

But you are strong. You've survived and lived to tell about it- and telling about it is part of the healing process.

We are all in this together

Welcome to the community SilentLucidity. That's a great screen name!!!!

allie- I just replied to your Having a Bad day: kicking myself post. I really relate to what you said. Also, I've been thinking about your post on this thread January 4-
"Everyone believes they are right.
Everyone can "prove" it by Scripture.

I've debated whether to respond. Scripture can be interpreted and twisted to fit almost anyone's desire to believe anything and force it on everyone. Scripture was even used to support slavery! In the gospels Jesus calls the Pharisees out for not following the law that commands them to kill disobedient children under certain circumstances!

"conclusions are diametrically opposed to each other" and "how do you know who's right?"

The Bible is full of blatant inconsistencies-even the gospels disagree/contradict as to how certain events happened and the order in which they happened. Two of them start with a genealogy of Jesus from Joseph's side- but Jesus was not of Joseph's blood so the bloodline is useless. There are two differing accounts of creation in Genesis. The list goes on and on and on....

After reading The Skeptic's Bible I became convinced that The Bible is not and cannot be held infallible and therefore (for me) the source of ultimate truths. I write this not to dissuade you from Christianity (although I'd like for you to know you have the right to change your beliefs-and if you do, I can relate to the feelings of fear and shame that can arise in the process!), but to at least let you know I shared your concerns and confusions regarding Scripture and other people's certainty in their beliefs.

As for "I'm bracing myself to be screamed at for whining and complaining!" I doubt you'll find that here. I assume we all know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that admonition and the devastating effect it has on our (for lack of a better term) souls.  if you are open to a hug!

Twinkletoes: You wrote "Also, I read something earlier about how someone was worried what "type of client they were"  - and the fear of burning their therapist out - being the worst client, the one that drained them the most and I realized that I definitely have this worry.  I worry I am the "neediest" client and that she has to psyche herself up to see me," and I can really relate to that. I was feeling this way during my therapy session last Wednesday. In fact, I am constantly worried what EVERYONE thinks about me. I won't dare try to strike up a friendship with anyone because I believe they would either reject me or feel obligated (out of pity or sense of propriety) to indulge me.

These worries lock me into a state of self-isolation.

I think it's great that you've connected so well with your therapist. It took me over 20 years to find a therapist who "clicked" with me like mine does now!

I also think taking a journal to therapy is a good idea. Oftentimes I actually forget the actual events and thoughts from the previous week and show up in therapy just saying that "I had a lousy week" or "It was a pretty good week." Having something written will be helpful to me, and I'm going to "steal" your idea!

I can recall saying it didn't hurt when kids bullied me at school. My parents "taught" me that the way to deal with bullies is to "not let them see that they are hurting you."

Ugh.

Painful physical and emotional feelings denied seem to freeze in our bodies and grow like bacteria in a petri dish. 

Northern Soul wrote: "Never, Ever Give Up" is my motto...I hope others might  follow my example do the same! 

I'm with you- like my favorite song quote says, "I'm not gonna quit until I'm laid in my tomb/and even then they better shut it tight!"  T-Bone Burnette

Kizzie- I love your Dalai Lama quote! It's so true!!!!!

Hello, Lorna! Welcome to the community!!!

Dee,

I echo the others in supporting your decision and wishing you the best. In my opinion the fact that you lost half of the weight you gained and yet still call yourself fat tells you what you need to know in making your decision.

Kitty- I echo sanmagic's post word for word! It's so unfair that some people get the wonderful parents or at least the "good enough" parents and others get- well, you don't need me to tell you.

Kudos to you for realizing the effects of your past and being willing to address them.

Woodsgnome- That sounds similar to what Buddhist do in meditation. We are encouraged to allow thoughts/images to float by like clouds in the sky, and not to grasp at the pleasant ones or "cringe away from the unpleasant ones. Yes, it sounds much easier than it is

I have intrusive images that have nothing to do with my traumas- things that are much worse than the actual traumatic events in my life. Sometimes I'm the perpetrator and other times I'm an observer.

I've seen it asked if nightmares can "cause" trauma (I have terrible nightmares most nights) but I also wonder if these intrusive thoughts exacerbate pre-existing C-PTSD.

mvp- I'll add my voice to those who can relate to your experiences. Sometimes my head "vibrates" so hard I feel dizzy enough to fall down or pass out. I am terribly concerned about how people see me and am convinced I'm being watched all the time- even if they are not.

C-PTSD as noted, is not yet an "official" diagnosis, but PTSD is. It's taken 24 years (and numerous therapists, psychiatrists, and 3 stints in a Day Hospital program) before finally getting a PTSD diagnosis. My doctor did note C-PTSD (in his opinion) as being a variant of "traditional" PTSD.

They can call it whatever they want, but it feels like *! Fortunately, there are kind people-angels in this community to lend support and suggestions.