Messages

Joyful- At this time the only person I trust is my therapist. It feels very lonely being that way. I wish I had advice for you but I don't.

Ophelia- I definitely have similar issues. I can sleep better during the day than at night, and it takes me hours at night to fall asleep. One reason is the nightmares I have- I'm afraid to go to sleep. I think another reason is hyper-vigilance-being on guard at all times. Also, dropping off to sleep reminds me of the medical trauma I suffered of numerous surgeries when I was a child- including one time when the anesthetic didn't work right.

Often I will feel very sleepy watching TV in the living room and head off to bed. As soon as I lie down I am wide awake.

So no, you are not alone in this

Hello! I haven't had the feeling that my childhood happened to someone else, but I have done quite a bit of minimizing over the years. I don't connect much to my feelings-I read a list of traumas to my therapist a couple of weeks ago and sounded like I was reading a grocery list!

I am connecting with my feelings more than I did, and I swing from crying to raging to numbing back out again. I had a major emotional breakthrough last week and have felt like * ever since- but I guess it has to hurt to heal.

I'm glad that you are back and taking baby steps!

It sounds like you are being very well-prepared for your upcoming treatment. Count me among those in your corner, rooting you on!!

No wonder your head is spinning!

Would you like some advice or did you need to vent? Sometimes I want advice/differing perspectives and other times I just want to know that I am heard.

I hear you!!!!

PTSD can result from a variety of causes, and you're correct- we can't diagnose you. A doctor would be more qualified to determine if what you are experiencing is PTSD, symptomatic of other causes, or a combination.

What you've described can certainly cause PTSD, and it sounds like you experience the symptoms. Whether you get an official diagnosis or not you would likely find benefits to joining this community.

I find that as I come out of the fog created by my C-PTSD I am very emotional. I think some of it is releasing some of the feelings frozen inside over time, and some of it is me being raw to feelings experienced in the present.

From what you've described your emotions seem attuned to what you are experiencing. It probably doesn't feel, good, but it is feeling. Kind of like when your foot tingles and cramps after it's been asleep- only, of course- much worse.

tiredofitall- Reading your post (" I can't even believe the amount a little child can take and still live to tell about it." you wrote)   

I began to hear a song lyric in my mind (oftentimes I think and feel in song lyrics. What did I hear? Lou Reed's "Magic and Loss"

"And you can savor the magic
That let you survive your own war
You find that that fire is passion
And there's a door up ahead; not a wall"

You do have a magic inside you, that helped you survive your traumas.

Do you have song lyrics you can refer to for help to express your feelings and thoughts? Some of my examples:

"I'm always alone/and my heart is like ice/and it's crowded and cold/in my secret life." Leonard Cohen

"Blown by a hundred winds, knocked down a hundred times
Rescued and carried along. Beaten and half-dead and gone
And it's only the pain that's keeping you sane
And gives you a mind to travel on

Oh the motion won't leave you, won't let you remain, don't worry
It's a restless wind and a sleepless rain, don't worry
'Cause under the ocean at the bottom of the sea
You can't hear the storm, it's as peaceful as can be
It's just the motion, it's just the motion
It's just the motion, it's just the motion."    - Richard Thompson

february- what you describe is what I have been experiencing for a LONG time. I wish I had advice for either one of us:)

If I come across something that works I will post it.

Dee- On top of the kudos to you for being so brave and persistent in getting the help you need, I would like to add that you are setting a good example for your children- they see how a person takes steps to address a problem.

I wish my mom had set such a good example for me!

Woodsgnome: I can relate to the feelings you've described. Lately it seems like I have made a slight improvement and I now view my suffering as growing pains. Just this change in belief has had a positive impact on me.

As I noted in another post today, it's easier to endure the downs when you can see the ups in life.

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong- thanking your brother does not = blasting your father for leaving you out of the loop. And you acknowledged missing your dad's email in the backup from Friday. You deserve forgiveness for this oversight. If they choose not to that is on them, not you- although it falls on your head.

I do the same thing in terms of guessing/knowing what others are thinking and doing. Sometimes I am correct and other times not so much. I'm trying not to be such a mind-reader these days.

I'm not going to tell you not to feel stupid because that would be to invalidate your feelings. But I will say I see what you did as an honest mistake, and I hope you forgive yourself even if they don't.

T-Bone Burnett – Shut It Tight Lyrics

I find it hard sometimes to say the way that I feel
I do the very things I hate to do
I act like a child and I'm afraid of what is real
And so I try to cover up the truth
I stumble like a drunk along this crazy path I walk
I have a hundred thousand questions too
I'll go to any length to prove that nothing is my fault
Then later on I will deny the proof
I don't like to win but then again I hate to lose
And in between is something I can't stand
I don't care what you think and I hope that you approve
I am just an ordinary man
Sometimes I want to stop and crawl back into the womb
And sometimes I cannot tell wrong from right
But I ain't gonna quit until I'm laid in my tomb
And even then they better shut it tight

I often feel like an alien abandoned here on Earth. I just don't belong- I can't seem to fit in!!! I remember as a child watching the Rudolf Christmas special and wishing someone would take me to the Land of the Misfit Toys.

This online community grounds me and assures me that yes, I do belong here. If I share my secret hurts, unlearn the negative messages, and let others in, it will be even better.

What you describe sounds like my experience of cptsd. Sometimes I feel numb and can't seem to think straight. I fumble for words I've known for decades, and sometimes cannot recall things that happened/I thought just moments ago. Sometimes I feel numbness and excruciating pain at the same time (how the * does THAT happen?)

I wish you the best in your travels!!! Remember, we are with you in spirit