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Welcome, Pigeon! 

I relate to not talking about CPTSD much outside of therapy. I've found this place to be a really wonderful exception and I hope you do, too!

Welcome! 

I am in a similar position in that I see one of my abusive parents everyday, so I know how difficult that can be. It's so hard. I'm sorry that you feel trapped and scared and are struggling with addiction. You're not alone.

Just a note: Not sure if it applies to you, but this site discourages participants from using real names for safety reasons.

I've found this site to be very helpful and I hope that you do, too! 

Thanks for sharing! 

I'm embarrassed to say that the first time I stumbled upon Spartanlifecoach, I almost didn't watch, thinking, "What could this jock guy in the tank top possibly have to offer me?" Turns out he is really knowledgeable - and funny, too.

I've never been able to understand meditation, and this video helps a lot! He's also spot on about meditation being harder for people with CPTSD and about Eckhart Tolle's teachings not being geared toward us (important to know to avoid shame and frustration when they don't work out). I thought it was also a great point he made recommending that people with CPTSD be very careful about watching TV and especially advertizements, as they train the viewer to be reactive. And so much more... in less than twenty minutes!

CPTSDChild,

I would recommend meeting in a public place the first time, maybe for a meal or a coffee. If you are looking for more than an online relationship, I would recommend doing this as soon as possible. Then you will not only be able to verify some things about her, but you will also be able to tell if there is chemistry between the two of you and you will be able to see how she behaves in person. It could end up very awkward and upsetting if you start building a romantic relationship on the internet and phone only to have it all fall apart when you meet because of some really obvious incompatibility. That happened to me once, unfortunately, and it was awful.

I also once met someone on a dating site and it turned into a four year relationship, so these things can work out. On the other hand, people can claim anything on the internet, so your skepticism is healthy.

The phone issue isn't clear to me. When you looked up the phone number, did it belong to a name other than this lady's daughter's name? That would be a big red flag, assuming that the directory is current. Having said that, I've personally been on a friends and family plan in a different state, so I know that people do that sometimes.

Good luck. 

Great resource. Thank you, Southbound.

It's so accurate for me that I had to stop reading half-way through. But I will definitely be going back to it.

Hi BlackPanther,

I agree with Jdog that this sounds like a pretty typical CPTSD emotional flashback, especially with the shame component and the urgency and overwhelm of feelings and thoughts.

I'm wondering what you meant by "weird drugged feeling," because it might be some form of dissociation, which would also be very common for someone with CPTSD. 

You're not alone 

I have variable amounts of derealization just about every day and what you've described is pretty close to the classic description of it as far as I can tell. I usually describe it as looking at everything through a fish tank. It's definitely possible to have derealization without depersonalization. I often have both, but just as often experience only derealization.

It does sound CPTSD-related to me, though I believe there could also be potential physical causes as well. But some amount of dissociation is expected with CPTSD anyway, so that seems more likely.

I definitely have shifts in perception when I am triggered. With big EFs, it would be comparable to being in a play in which someone has suddenly and drastically altered the lighting. But I think even the smaller daily ones might be having a similar but more subtle effect as well. I wonder if what you are experiencing is at all similar.

I'm sorry you are feeling as though the world is carrying on without you. But I'm grateful that you started this thread, Indigochild. 

How awful. I'm sorry this happened - especially on your birthday - and I'm sorry you are feeling trapped.

This guy is raising many red flags, in my opinion, including hitting on you when it upsets his girlfriend, feeling entitled to jealousy when you talk about other men being handsome, and trying to give you a guilt trip by saying you are "mean" to him. Seems odd to me that he was messaging you on Facebook, too, since you only know him through his girlfriend. In addition, it was manipulative of him to harangue you with jokes in the first place. It put you in an awkward no-win situation unless you wanted to go along with his agenda. It reminds me of the stuff that sexual predators sometimes do to "check the waters" so to speak, to see if a potential victim is likely to resist. You didn't do anything wrong. Imagine if a guy did all this stuff in a workplace. It would be illegal because it's sexual harassment.

Welcome, poppyred 

I am so sorry for what you went through in your family of origin. What a sad and terrifying story. There is no excuse for what they did. My heart goes out to you and to the innocent child you were.

I second BeHea1thy's breakdown of the typical treatments for CPTSD and BPD. The question of whether or not they are separate conditions depends on whom you ask. I would say, along with Judith Herman (the original proponent of the CPTSD diagnosis), that people who have been labeled "borderline" are a subset of the CPTSD suffering population. You can read some pertinent quotes from her book Trauma and Recovery here if you're interested: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=19.msg7938#msg7938.

I am glad you found this place and hope you can get some benefit from it. 

Great link, smg! Thank you

I just took a break mid-post to read it a second time and it hit home even more than when I had read it earlier. Wow. It's almost scary how accurate it is. Almost triggering for me but incredibly validating. Definitely a keeper.

Sorry you're feeling lonely, woodsgnome.

I do, Kittylover. You're not alone. 

I am in a similar boat in that my parts do not seem to take over completely, nor do I seem to lose time. I find it confusing to know how to think about it: My T says that I have CPTSD and a dissociative disorder (though not yet sure which one); Judith Herman, who initially proposed the category of CPTSD, thought of CPTSD as including MPD/DID (and also DDNOS, I would think, judging by the context of her book, Trauma and Recovery); Internal Family Systems theory says that everyone has parts(!); and when people on OOTS talk about the Inner Child and Inner Critic, these seem to be parts. 


I learned yesterday that, according to the Theory of Structural Dissociation, there are three levels of structural dissociation and what it calls Secondary Dissociation (with one "apparently normal part" or ANP and two or more "emotional parts" or EPs) is associated with the diagnoses of CPTSD, DESNOS, BPD, and DDNOS.

(Primary Dissociation - one ANP and one EP - is associated with "simple" PTSD, and Tertiary Dissociation - two or more ANPs and two or more EPs - with DID.)


To make it even more complicated, I also learned that the DSM-V changed the diagnosis of DID to make it include more of the cases that were formerly considered DDNOS, and replaced DDNOS with Other Specified Dissociative Disorder or OSDD.


If you think DDNOS/OSDD fits with your situation, you might like this article that I found yesterday. I thought it was really validating: http://www.pods-online.org.uk/didorddnos.html.

Thank you for starting this thread.

Great job, Kubali 

Keepfighting, thank you so much for the OP. I relate to your childhood experience with boundaries 100%. I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. I'm still struggling with boundaries and I found your post really inspiring, particularly the idea that your boundaries don't have to make sense to others. That idea is huge for me.

Tiasarah,

What you described is clearly abuse, and I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. 

If you have three minutes, you might find this video helpful. It's from Discovery News and it's called "Emotional Abuse is Far Worse Than You Think." It's based on recent research and I find it helpful to watch whenever I start feeling like maybe "it wasn't THAT bad."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LsaaUTyc2E

Welcome.   

Hi Roadie,

I'm glad you found the hospital helpful and I'm sorry if the dire warning I gave was unsettling, but I've seen first hand that hospitals really vary in quality and I didn't want you to be unprepared if you got a not so nice one. The invalidating psychiatrist you experienced is really just the tip of the iceberg of what's out there. Sorry you had to deal with that, but I'm  glad the nurses had some sense.

Welcome back!