Messages

Boatsetsailrose: Thank you. I thought I had lost most of my ability to write/speak well. It is beautiful to think maybe I haven't  

macandrui: thank you 

ChaosQueen: Again, I found it surprising that you could tell I think that so much about myself. It's a recurring thought every day that I leak "blood"/poison from my wounds everywhere I go and the longer someone is around me the more saturated they get. I find that I need a lot of alone time  or that I must be confident (letting others own their moods) while being around others at all.

Hi I found this thread while looking for yoga as a practice for processing trauma. Do you have an update to share since it has been a few more weeks?
I was talking to a friend last night who is a yoga teacher for autism. I have also tried "yoga therapy" along with other types of natural practices like herbal tea and foot zoning, a variety of things.
She recommended kundalini yoga for trauma specifically. She said with kundalini yoga she had been able to experience her own grief to leave her body. As for me, I feel like there is a graveyard of grief inside of me and I want so badly to let it pass through me, I'm tired of the lingering.

Sanmagic,
Your practice of using images for grounding and for grieving sound like they could help me a lot. I find images very powerful but I haven't gotten myself to commit to displaying them. I have the same problem with music for the last few years. Can't get myself to commit to music in a real appreciative way. No wonder I have so much grief in me. Thank you for your inspiration, you both.

Hi again Dutch Uncle
That was a bit hard for me to reread what I said and your thoughts on it. I hadn't edited my post to make it be more sympathetic to her side of things, and so I find myself now feeling guilty that maybe she really isn't that bad. I have been staying around because the fog only barely just cleared. So far I say to myself that I need to learn how to be loyal and stick it out for someone who had compassion for me when I was a nasty person? I don't know what to think at this point. I know I'm not happy and I know I need space.

I kept telling myself that I should wait until I'm broken up with, but that doesn't make good sense.i thought I still needed to "pay for it"
As for if it was intentional, not at all. I respect others' privacy as profound. I grew up with snooping dad who eventually read my 5 year journal. I've always been paranoid about his surveillance. My gf always said she just "knew" I was doing something.
Last week we had an argument and she decided to split into me again for the past. I asked after a few scathing remarks, clearly intending to hurt me, if the harsh words would end soon or if I could end the conversation for a while but come back to it. This was answered with an outburst that she always has to mitigate our conversations. End result is can't help but feel she can't stand it that she stayed with me but it's too late to leave.
Thank you for your well thought response. I hope to continue seeing a little more clearly. I am thinking of giving her more space, using the toolbox ideas for dealing with her and her dog, and implementing strong boundaries. I am really hoping for some similar experiences to help the feeling that this isn't just my old pattern of giving up.

I started this year pretty shamefully with regards to ending a relationship hastily and getting into a new one right after within a month. I didn't intend to date this person (my current girlfriend) but in the beginning she was very fun and I wanted to get to know more people. I fell into a trap of my attachment patterns-- I unknowingly was presenting to her as a partner by baking treats, hanging out with her often, helping with her dog because I like them, and texting a lot. She was very fun and interesting and I caught myself saying yes to a relationship I didn't really want. It's what I've done with the last 6-7 relationships and I have always been the one to break it too. Within the first few weeks she had her wisdom teeth removed which I cared for, honestly it was emotional labor I wanted to do. I think I was lonely.

A bad thing happened very soon though, which was that she went through my phone (while I was in the bathroom sick) and found texts between an old mentor of mine who has been my friend for 5 years. In order to keep things intact with him for support, I felt pressured to say sweet nothings and talk to him in confidence about my life- he has helped me in the past but ultimately I figured out this summer that his behavior was 90% Narcissist. I'm happy I figured out more to it but it tore me apart to get through that thought process.
When my girlfriend found the texts, she went digging and she crushed my heart in tandem with her's breaking. And I succumbed to putting my own handcuffs on and asking for punishment. She (said she) didn't want to make me suffer but her dad was a serial cheater and I felt like her rejection issues made her want to make me pay like her father didn't, but also cling to me to not leave.
I've been stuck in this since February and so our 6 month is coming up. I still haven't set adequate boundaries with her and it's been a struggle trying to navigate that and maintain my life.
I know I didn't do well to start this relationship with her but I really took it as a major wake up call to my issues and how I've handled relationships since I was abused at 16.
I find myself feeling cold toward her, and scared of making her upset. I can't stand her dog anymore, but I've always been an avid dog/animal lover. I don't know what I am right now and I especially don't think I know her well enough. She talks about marriage and kids with me casually and I was okay with that when I was wanting to be her prisoner for what I did to her, but now it makes me uncomfortable.
How do I start sorting out what are bad patterns and what are valid, actual truths in my heart?

I hope you aren't too hard on yourself. Dutch Uncle is right, trial and error. You will get better at it. Practicing dialogue has helped me over time. I had a problem like yours, I've slept with people I haven't wanted to either. I'm really not proud of it and I am hard on myself about it too. But one trick that always made a difference was to practice the words in your mouth that you want to use before you enter the situation. I would practice at home and in the car before getting out. I would practice saying "No", "I don't want to do that", "I understand but it's not going to happen"
Just trying out those words makes me feel more confident and helps me trust myself more. It feels good. Just a small but effective option to try

I just had a big fight with my GF about this, I was blamed for "making her accommodate/ mitigate" me or that she has to walk on egg shells around me.
It was hard to hear. I have triggers that I've been upfront and serious about when I explain to my current and past partners. One big one that is always violated, intentionally or not, is that I cannot be corned physically. I will get anxious and I will get jumpy, that if I am touched without permission in a corner... I will react to protect myself.
I have been wondering your same question and feel so much confusion. I really need to work on my triggers like this one. I don't know what to do to get her to understand, or my dad or anyone else I've talked to about it. It doesn't make enough sense to me that a clear boundary like this one can be so easily crossed and I have to keep bringing up, to which I always get a blank response like I'm being discounted.
I'm having a hard time with it as well. Any other replies of help would be good for me too.
Hang in there. Our boundaries are important.

Thank you, I went back and saw that I posted this alright even though I feel like it's 

It's been weighing on me so heavily... I torture myself by staying up with news about the cult/religion I was brought up in. But I want to make a new goal to stop reading about it. Nothing has made me more uncomfortable than learning more about the sick ways it meddles with peoples' lives and many other terrible things... It's not making me happy and I want to be happy. I tried looking at the Religion sub with your link... I read a few posts but had to leave.

I feel relieved to get it off my chest. Thank you     

Hi Monriss. I'm 3 years older than you and new here as well. I am empathize with what you have done and gone through. 

I want to cheer you on  and let you know that you are in a prime position to start getting want you really want from life. I know trauma and ptsd can seem like a big long hard Job that must be Done. It helps me to think of things like this as opportunities. It's what keeps me going and what keeps me trying.

I hope the day ends well for you and that you smiled today   

Hi,
Have I got some unloading to do! I tried writing paragraphs but I actually want to make a list. That didn't work either. Please PM me if I am being too upfront. But my story has been needing a listening to and I don't know how else to progress right now...

Cult: I was born into a cult with my 4 siblings before me. I resorted to trying to be a good kid and use my brain (which was incredible at the time) to be my guide and my only tool. I learned to lie well.
Death: at 12 years old, my brother died suddenly while volunteering long-term service for the cult group. Brain injury, coma for 5 weeks, and then cardiac arrest. My parents had my doctors put me on Cymbalta only 2 months after the funeral. I knew they didn't want to see my pain.
Isolation: I was so lonely, but made a companion in someone else lonely. He was being abused and homeless every day. My only friend. He buckled under the abuse and attempted suicide. He recovered but my parents stopped letting me see him.
Sexual Assault & Police: My first encounter with being physically abused was by my first boyfriend (at new school). I didn't know why, until 5 months later, after he broke up with me, when the disassociation began, the flashbacks started, and I was scared without knowing why. I talked to a counselor who listened and helped me see my memories again. I reported and my case was dragged on, his lawyer subpoenaed my own sister who admitted she didn't believe me. My bishop told me to repent because I let it happen.
Medication and Suicide Attempts: I tried many times and began self-harming to control my depression and anxiety. It worked but I cracked eventually to wanting to be cared for and let my secret out. My parents didn't do much but get mad when they found out and took everything sharp away from me, which just made me more creative.

College or Health?: I chose college due to pressure. I had attempted suicide a month before I moved out and yet I felt like I could turn a corner. I believed in myself and was excited for a short time. But I had no tools or instruction on what to do when I moved out.
R***: I had alcohol poisoning for the first time, and despite a pre-made plan that I made with my roommates to all go home together at the end of the night, they left me with a guy friend who said he would take care of me. I remember passing out. I woke up to the worst sight I have ever seen. I didn't tell anyone until I knew I wasn't pregnant and that I didn't catch any std's. I gave up and pretended for years that the r*** didn't matter and that I was over it. I'm still not.
Academic Failure: I started failing classes after my freshman year due to my r*** and the obsession that it didn't matter. I became a workaholic in an animal shelter to relieve my pain.
Cult Reprise: although when I was 21 I knew that I was less than straight and definitely not part of the cult anymore, I took a job at a special market but run by cult members. I was underpaid, overworked, manipulated for tax work that wasn't legal but I didn't know. School became an afterthought.
Stalker: He was a customer at my work, and 30 years older. I got rid of him myself but it solidified a scary thought: No safe places. No safe places. No safe places.
Bad Landlord: My rental in my college town was great and I fought to keep it for about 2 years until my landlord's attempts at asking for a friendship turned into him coming to my front door belligerent and drunk after dark. I hid under a window alone while he yelled, slammed the screen door, looked through the windows and blew up my phone with calls and texts. I moved out within the month and said good riddance. I should have sued him but my dad refused to help me with a lawyer.
Cult Boss: in the midst of the stalker and my horny landlord, I had a boss who was a member of the cult I grew up in. I thought him and his wife were liberal, and safe. They were hippies and generally I felt happy when I was around them. Until the "apocalypse" became a problem treated like reality at work, and the owner's narcissism for being the one who could save the world. It seeped into me. I became paranoid. But it gets worse. The owners (w+h) had a plan to help during the apocalypse and that was polygamy. Once day my boss discussed sex and relationships with me and told me he loved me at work.
Back Home to Safety (?): My parents offered to take me in and it was my best shot at being safe. I thought I could trust them. They moved me into their (newer/nice) trailer in the backyard and I isolated. My dad, thinking he didn't know enough about me and what was going on, decided to infiltrate my computer under the guise of fixing it for me. I found out the next day that he read my entire diary, years worth of notes and quote collections. I was outed. He knew more about me than I would have allowed anyone to know and the parts he lingered on are unsettling to say the least. He denied having done anything wrong and blamed his bad childhood. He dared me to hurt myself, because that would make him right that I was too sick and needed to be sent to a inpatient facility. I fought this and moved out.

NOW: I've been picking up the pieces since I was outed by my dad 18 months ago. I am sad to report that I hurt people along the whole way. I have never had time to get to know myself, or have peace and quiet to process what happened.
I started a new life in a new city. I've held the same (great) job here for over a year-- something solid and stable that I'm proud of. My boss is a good person, profoundly so and I know I can trust him. I work in a safe job where I'm protected from public people, and get to have great projects concerning animals again. It's been a year and I feel like I can trust my coworkers now and stop isolating there. It's been refreshing.
I still haven't finished school and I realize all the advantages I squandered while processing my abuse. I lost my scholarships and all financial support. I am trying to finish my degree but feel like I lost 20 IQ points. However, since the light came on about my abusive mentor that I had relied on for 5 years I have become a person full of negativity and it's hard to mitigate around others.
But the silver lining is incredible and it's that I'm more alive and aware than ever. I know I need to work harder and protect the people around me from the poison I've accumulated through abuse over the years, especially just from the cult upbringing. It's hard and I don't know if I'm doing enough. This helps. I hope to keep working on it here with you all.
I flip flop a lot on whether I am good or bad.
The good news of this introduction is that I feel awake now. It's been years in the making, but I feel more aware and capable of tackling my issues that I have in a long time.

Please let me know if this isn't the type of introduction I should have used. I am feeling like I don't use forums correctly.