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I have such conflicting feelings about my dating history...

I have been in and out of relationships since I was 16 (original sexual abuse age).
I am not straight, I'm not completely gay. I had a small flame of knowledge from when I was 9years old that I loved other women, this was one of my points of extreme strength to recognize many flaws within the cult society of FOO. However my FOO did some intense grooming to ensure I knew my place as a girl (to serve and have children) and that boys deserved my kindness, acceptance, and tolerance. The phrase "you always have to say yes to the first date with a boy" was instilled in my when I was around 13. Maybe earlier.

Writing that out has made me realize that... this could be the original point that made me feel like I needed to be "passed around" and entertain each and every romantic option (not women until I was 19, and it was secret).
I've dated so many men when I didn't even want a relationship.

In order to keep myself in line with the cult (I want a new word for this) I used my mind to do intense acrobatics of thought. If I was told a rule and noticed what rule-breakers were deemed to be (trash) then I would find a way out = a double life, as well as a way to fit in = following the rule to the letter. I had to say yes to every boy who asked me on a date = I let every relationship with men happen. The abuse at 16 solidified by freeze response. I let every relationship happen. I haven't even gotten a break between many relationships. Many relationships were with men who were friends of sorts in a smaller college town. WHY didn't any man stop and ask me, do you really want to be with me? If I had ever been given the option to peacefully excuse myself from a relationship without feeling like I had to "give them a chance" then I would have!

It's the past... Hm. More answers but I need to reconcile more.

Hi echolocation,

That sounds like a confusing place to be in. Especially considering that you spent time with the two of them without knowing their subtext. I know many people who would not be OK with being in a situation like that. It's not respectful to keep you out of the loop.
These two have been keeping information from you. And I have experienced so so so many instances of ending a friendship due to lack of respect like that, but I didn't give the other person a chance to explain before I cut the cord. That's why this is what I would do (with what I know now, and the heartache of losing friends when it's already hard to make them. I don't trust hardly anyone either.)

I bet you can still have a friendship with her if you can decipher if she is a good friend and needs forgiveness, or not.

I hate to be direct but I'm not sure how else to phrase my advice. Please forgive me if I'm too direct.

Try having an honest, unassumptive chat with the woman involved. Have no expectations of her being good but misunderstood OR of her being conniving and untrustworthy: the black and white of the situation.
Ask questions and have her give you her story. You'll be able to tell if something is fishy. Let her show you her shade of gray so you can assess whether you value a friend with behavior like that, or not.

If you still don't know what to think, let it simmer. Tell her you need time to understand. Her consequent actions will tell you what she really is.

Hugs

-- It's been harder lately with the dog noises. My heart beat races when I hear my GF's dog whine.

Also, what other options are there than earplugs if I am very concerned about being startled? I have quite the full-body reaction when I am startled / surprised by someone when I have headphones on. It's not worth it for me to block out all noise. Those flashbacks are too much.

I have the Highly Sensitive Individual diagnosis as well, and luckily it was from another HSI who completely understood and didn't judge at all.

Recognizing it ( and accepting it! ) has made such a huge difference in how I am able to manage my symptoms of cptsd. Be gentle to yourself.

I think being clear with company that you are going to wait outside of certain places, only go when they are quieter/ less crowded, or when you need a sensory break is what has made me much more capable. People like the clarity even if they don't empathize/sympathize. I've noticed over time that certain friends reach out to help me with solutions for areas like that.
I've had a friend or two who would go to the store with me to help me stay grounded, or would go to the grocery store for me if I was in a tight spot.

One thing that is harder about it is the company of animals. I am an avid animal lover since I was born (haha) but I find it very hard to be around barking dogs. It can really agitate me to hear whining, barking, pacing from a dog - worse if it's more than one. This could be a trauma thing though, I have had some negative living quarters where dogs were used as ... a way to manipulate my behavior.

Have you been noticing more clues about what makes you "overloaded" sensory wise? I would really like to hear from anybody who copes with this. It's been hard lately.

I have a really hard time separating love from bonding when I assess my past relationships. I haven't had solid friends since I was in middle school. But hey, it takes being a good friend to have a good friend and I can acknowledge that I have not tried hard to be a good friend. Not in ways that made sense to people, anyway. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm having conflicting thoughts about my exes and which ones I could have had a really good thing with. I want to not compare the present to the past. I feel petty and need to get to the root of those thoughts. They are too much...

Ugly thought: "If I had been whole, healthy, level headed, loving, compassionate... which exes would have been a great match for me?"

One relationship at a time. The past is the past. Life is still erratic even when you chase things you want. How could I know that something wouldn't have come up to end those relationships anyway, even if it hadnt been me? Ugh, but it was me. And I hurt a lot of people.

Since my last time posting, I have had a series of honest, talks with my girlfriend. We have had a sustained weekend ( long one at that ) of compassion and ease. The tension that was there before has dissipated for now.
It started with me going to her on Thursday night: I brought up the subject of wanting/needing to re-establish my lost friendships and begin my road to apologizing / fixing / acknowledging what hurt I have done to people I blocked out of my life. I explained my side of things, and she was defensive (I can't blame her too much) so I stood my ground. It escalated quickly. I felt like she was using my bad memory against me and telling me I did this to myself; she said I got rid of those people all myself and it wasn't her doing. She said she only asked for ONE person to be cut out-- my mentor in germany who is 5 years older (there is such a story there but not I can't touch that yet)

I had cut him out but when she told me to back in March, I took it very seriously and cut out my Exes, Friends who had expressed feelings for me, People who could have information about my problematic past behavior.

She cried, I left, we re-grouped because I couldn't drive and I was triggered. We worked it out. The festering wound of misunderstanding was finally being drained. For each day since, we have had long, honest conversations about what this process is like for each of us. And what my goals are, what her needs are, and what we mean to each other.

Looking back, I think cutting people out was the best action I could make in order to clear my life of romantic vestiges. I tribute my recent, powerful progress to this event.

However, I still do miss / mourn the people I had cut out and feel such deep scars. Knowing that the scars I gave are most likely deeper and festering. (I don't know how to go about fixing that and making up to those people, to be a good person)

I feel more confidence in our relationship, but I am taking my steps forward with a new commitment to myself and my needs, my dreams. I have a lot I need to do. I have a very heavy conscience.
I'm ready to take on the bull, I just need to figure out how to heal my wounds and take responsibility for the wounds I have inflicted.

we will thrive no matter where we find ourselves in our healing journey

This could be my tagline for my posts: Progress is not linear!;
Growth is never linear;
Healing is not linear.

Thinking of you all - hugs

I can feel your happiness through your words. The light inside will only get brighter as you cherish it. Hank you for spreading your excitement and joy. I have been feeling better than in years as well. Many hugs!

It's so exasperating that the slightest puff of wind will knock me over. The other problem with reading is that I had a mental breakdown five years ago and since then I can't read new material very well, most of what I can read is still in the young adult section (I'm 27).

Woof  I completely sympathize with that feeling. The breakdowns are hard to take, even as I'm trying to type this I'm having a hard time articulating and thinking of words. One thing I know, it gets smoother the more compassionate you are to yourself, not judging yourself, not calling yourself any names. Stay strong. Reading material at all is a gift to yourself, I'm inspired by you to start reading. I've been hiding from it for the past few years.
Good job on starting the book. 

My brain has been overloaded with emotional processing. I feel a bit of fog since confronting this issue, losing sleep. I'll come back to this soon when my mind comes back...

Hi there,  I want you to know you're not alone. I am keeping you in my thoughts tonight. 

Hi Movement + Monriss,
I'm 24 with the cptsd and it took me until this summer to realize what I've been doing when I've cheated. I have struggled knowing what it means, how it hurts me and others, and how it has fueled a lot of my negative feelings about myself.
Monriss I relate to what you have shared with feeling "hollow" and not knowing what to do. These last 6 months have been the longest amount of time I have not cheated in some way or form. It has been taking a lot of mindfulness and honesty with myself but I'm trying very hard to not judge myself, which means scaring myself out of confronting the truth.
Thank you for this thread, Movement. Reading your experience helped me feel much more compassionate to myself and more apt to move forward than I was before. It is so hard to feel like there's no one to talk to or that maybe no one would accept me if they knew.
HUGS!!! Many, many, many hugs.

I deserve friends too. I am prepared to walk out if this what makes her upset at me. I have the right to walk away when I am being verbally abused.

I chatted a bit with my old friend, E, and it felt refreshing. I feel more whole than I had before. I missed my friend.
My girlfriend still has his musical instruments from 6 months ago that he lent her when he met her. She has been holding onto them for this whole time while I have been waiting for the 6 month mark when it would be sensible to reach other to my friend again. We have had 0 contact since March.
She called me on the phone to warn me to not come over because she didn't want us to intersect. I told her I wanted to talk about that, about being friends with E again. She was not happy but didn't express it. I will meet her tonight to talk over my needs from my Heart and that I deserve Friends just like she does. I've never held her back from that. And it's been 6 months.

I want to start with gratitude for this forum. Thank you to each one of you for building and maintaining this forum; for creating a safe space; for showing your selves and starting with compassion. I've only been here a week and I feel different. I've been needing this for a long time. I may seem overly enthusiastic for being on this board for a short amount of time, but I want to use my momentum that I have to launch farther than I have before.

From the bottom of my heart: Please know that I thank each one of you for being here and sharing your stories. I've become so inspired.

+ Several things must be going right for me because my head is going  nearly every 15 minutes for the last few weeks with realizations!!!

I reached out to one of my friends from the past last night. He is a friend who helped me fix my car a year ago. It was such a fun experience, I love fixing things and working with others.
I abruptly ended our communication back in March this year when my girlfriend looked through my phone (+a journal, didn't mention that before... I've had my journals read by both my gf and my dad now. It's hard to admit that  ). She didn't trust me with any friends, even though she knows him and he we don't have romantic history. It was an experience of handcuffing myself for her because I've always felt bad about myself, especially what I've been capable of when it comes to my EF's over the years. I have tended to have the response of cutting people off and hiding until my head clears  . I feel that no one should see me in that state, which can last for months. I also cut out 5-10 more people because of her fears and me wanting to make sure I didn't get "in trouble" again.
I didn't get "permission" nor did I tell me gf that I wanted my friend(s) back already. I am having a hard time wondering what she will do if she finds out I got back in touch with him. I should change my phone password to give myself more protection but that would set her off to be suspicious. Honestly I would be fine if she broke up with me so that I wouldn't feel the pressure on my shoulder for yet another unhealthy relationship on my tick list. But I feel that if it were up to her, she would make a huge drama about breaking up with me and making sure I felt every sting she has ever wanted me to feel, which from our past arguments, seems like A LOT 
I've realized from what I've wrote so far about her that I feel 1.trapped 2.dehumanized for what I've "done" to her. I am not sure what to do next.

I reached out to my oldest sister (I'm the last of five) and asked if her or my family has given up on me. I've been skipping birthdays, holidays, celebrations, and vacations for 5-6 years. It has been due to migraines, GI problems and the like because of stress 
I have always loved my siblings, and when I was little I tended to bring them all together. But having my FOO be part of a cult AND having lost a sibling to an aneurism 11 years ago really splintered us up. She says none of them have given up on me. I just feel sad when my mom doesn't text me back. I miss her so much.

I miss many people and I feel holes all over my heart. I get EF's every time I try to open a contact on my computer/phone to reach out to people I've hurt. I really want to reach out to my ex's who I wasn't compassionate toward during breaking up, but I know that being in a relationship currently and not being happy with it = a recipe for disaster. I need to wait and build myself up more, and become single so I can work on myself and become more advanced, especially since I only have 1.5 year of good insurance left until I must get my own. (I'm 24 on my parent's insurance)

Be back soon