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I have been burdened and elected to keep the secret of my dad and his going to prison.  My mom chose him over me, I suspect largely for financial reasons.  Once she started talking to me again she made a very big deal about getting the story straight and what to say to anyone who knew he was absent.  Later, I was forbidden from communicating with relatives.  She would not give me their contact nor would she give them mine.  I recently have been communicating with a cousin by email.

My cousin told me she knows my dad went to prison and she knows what the charge was and I was somehow involved.  I immediately thought, she doesn't know the charges (or at least one) because the incest charge would tell the story of my involvement.  I suspect my mom spun facts differently to scam money out of my relatives.  I also suspect that I came out bad in the story.  My cousin is going to send me a second email explaining.  All I can do is wait.  Either way it sucks, either everyone knows or everyone knows and thinks I lied.

I would love to crawl away, hide under a rock, and keep the world away from my kids so they don't ever get dragged into this.

So here it is.....

My cousin in another country emailed and talked about the lies my mom has spread and the people she has hurt.  She has a gambling problem that was uncontrolled when my dad went to prison.  She borrowed money from my aunts and uncles, who in turn borrowed money from their children.  Now we are looking at all kinds of people with financial distress caused from my dad's incarceration.  I can think of at least 10 people that have been hurt and their lives changed.  There are probably more when considering children of children.  It's hard to sit here and read an email from my cousin talking about my mom's actions and not feel horrible.  She emailed my sister to tell her all my mom has done.  All because a 17 year told on her dad.

I have difficulty saying some words and even writing some as well.  My therapist had me write a list so we could work on a few at a time (we haven't started yet).  Sexual and abuse are two I can write, but not say.  Then there are the words that I renamed like the "R word."  I can write it sometimes only.  On my list I even had to find and cut out words from magazines and newspapers that were at least close.  I can try to say words, but I lose my voice and can barely squeak it out.  How is it words hold so much power?  What have other's done to take the power away?

Sometimes here I wish I could be anonymous even while being anonymous.  But I'm going to go for it anyway.  A few times I think I have seen people talking about sexual reactivity.  This is a hard subject for me, something I have been deeply ashamed of.

I was sexually reactive as a child.  My Barbies and Ken played sexually.  From the ages of 6 to 11 I played sexually with my friends (four total).  I was the child I never wanted my kids to meet.  I often wonder if there is some person in therapy today because of what I, as a six year old, taught her.  As I got older and friends got older, it escalated.  At 11 a friend told me it was wrong, I was bad, and she was never doing that with me again.  I never did it again either.  I never told anyone; not even a therapist until recently.   I feel horrible about it.  It confirmed to me that I was evil.  I struggle with it today.

I would like the hard truth here, even if it isn't nice.  It is something I need to share with peers and get feedback on.

I am being hit by a wave of memories, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, emotional flashbacks.  I feel like I might die.  I know it is related to my dad's death.  There were so many times I thought oh good, nothing happened, to realize now something happened.  How on earth could I ever of thought that when I was in a situation and it ends with him thanking me, that nothing happened.  I'm getting flashes.  I can't stop it and it isn't just of my dad.  It is every night right now.

I suppose it is just one aspect of CPTSD.  It's one of those times where I think how unfair it is, how I don't want it, and can I please give it back. 

All,

I respectfully request that if you have a long post see if you can break it up into two or three subjects (even part 1,2, and 3).  Also, please use paragraphs.  I really want to read every post and support everyone here.  I have a hard time concentrating and I find it difficult, if not impossible, to get through long posts.  I believe if you can break it up you will get more feedback.

Thank you,
Dee

Thursday I am going to take care of things with my dad's death.  I have decided I need to see him before he is cremated so I can believe it.  I wrote him a letter to be cremated with him.  I also have to figure out what to do with my mother who is unable to care for herself.

In the middle of this my son is graduating high school.  I'm not going to be able to reply, I might try to pop in now and then and read.

Thank you all for your support.  I'll be back soon.

Dee

Does anyone else care about what they are diagnosed?  I don't ever discuss it in therapy.  I feel lately like people are investigating and not being open.  I know I have CPTSD, Anorexia, MDD, and Self Injurious Behavior.   However, none of his has been discussed, it is in my record.  I feel like they are looking for a dissociative disorder and not telling me.  I suppose the label doesn't matter, but for some reason it does to me.  I don't know why, I just want to know.

I should add I know I have a dissociative disorder, but unclear which one.  This is what is bothering me right now.

I've decided I really do hate my mom and I am good with that.

She is responsible for much of my abuse.  Not only did she fail to protect me but she put me into situations that were dangerous.  When I look back at trauma and think how did so much happen?  I know much of it, until the time I left, is because of her.  I would never have put my daughter in those dangerous situations.

Venting, feels good.  Maybe I can go back to sleep now.  I think I had a dream that I don't remember.

I've done well with fighting SI and self harm.  As I have let myself eat I can't seem to find the off button.  This has led to two nights of binging and purging; a new behavior for me.  Sucks, darn chocolate. 

My goal is a get, yet again, a new dietician this week and I am going to try my best to be honest.

I tend to lie by omission.  I will answer no to something because I am ashamed.  I learned while I was inpatient most survivors of child abuse have layers of trauma.  In my last two weeks I started to spill.  I didn't want to share because I was embarrassed and because I thought it was so much no one would believe me.  I found that I am not so different from other survivors.

Still, I am back and I've got to deal with this in therapy.  A little scary since I lied.  Some of it I really just didn't think of.  It wasn't until someone else would share I remembered, but never forgot either.

While inpatient I did EMDR three times.  It was nothing like I had thought it was going to be.  It really does help you process things faster.  I thought that it was always over a specific memory and I was afraid of losing control.  Neither was true.  I'll outline my first, and most helpful session.

I actually chose to do it on guilt.  In my head I created a picture with the word below it and ranked it on a scale of 1-10.  Then we did a few cycles of the therapist doing the hand motions.  Between each cycle I told her what I had thought of.  I just went through all kinds of different images and memories.  I never once wasn't aware of what was around me, I heard noises outside the door and could stop at any time.  In the end my picture changed and I was way lower on the scale.  The super cool thing is now when I think of it my new picture comes to my mind.  The first picture was my dad sitting in court, very powerful looking.  The changed picture was him laying, in a collapsed way, on the bench, not powerful at all.  It was like he took the responsibility. 

I also did it on my ex-marriage, current family relationships, and telling my kids about my past.  So I guess I did it four times, not three.  I really reacted and sobbed each time.  I needed that.  I don't think people usually cry like I did, but for a person who has trouble crying it was a relief that I was very much needed.

Let me be honest since we now have this thread.  This has been a huge issue for me.  I stayed in the trauma unit for twice the normal time because it came out how bad I was.  My inpatient treatment was really about saving my life.  I spent the first couple of weeks working on suicidality and self harm only and trauma later.  I can honestly say I feel so much better.

The first thing I learned is saying it takes away the power.  I was never very honest about it because I was a afraid of what would happen to me and ashamed.  When I got there I decided I was already there, so I spilled my guts.  I now know to say it early.  By doing this I take the power out of it.  I am no longer worried of going to the hospital, because if I am honest, I most likely won't go.

I also learned the thought of is uncontrollable.  So, I am not so ashamed of the thoughts anymore.  I can chose my actions.  I made a lot of plans and challenges to deal with it.  We have three seconds to change a thought.  I have all kinds of reminders around my house now.  I have cards to keep with me.

My best advice is to say it and be honest about how you feel.  Dealing with it head on is the best way.  I also know there will be dark nights, but now I can tolerate it.  It isn't completely gone, but I can manage.  I felt understood.

Any experience with this?  It is my latest diagnosis.  I got it in the hospital.  My psychiatrist wasn't thrilled because he said I didn't need another diagnosis and said it is part of my PTSD.

I was told I definitely have different ego states.  It was dropped on me the day before I left during my discharge paperwork.

I spent two months in an acute care trauma clinic.  It honestly saved my life.

I did every kind of therapy that they offered, and I think some they didn't.

I recommend getting a DBT workbook.  Learning how to identify and tolerate our feelings is huge.  My favorite concept was radical acceptance.  It is what it is.  That allows me to accept today while I work through the past.  For me it means even IF I made mistakes I can work on them while I accept being okay with today.

EMDR - it really works.  It worked so well for me I am unsure I could do it outpatient.  AND, I was always in control.

I made a list of positive coping responses that I could look at and do when I was struggling.  Anything from breathing, coloring, movies, to moving and making new friends.

I identified my relapses behaviors, what triggers them, how I feel, and how to challenge the thought.  For example if I think "I am a bad person" I can challenge it with "I am no more or less than other people."

I'll write more as time goes, but I wanted to get something out there now.  It was such an amazing program, I found hope.

All,

Thank you for all of your support!  Tomorrow morning I am leaving for treatment and after a day of travel will check into the hospital early evening.  I can be gone anywhere from 30 to 90 days.  My doctors estimate 45, but I am not going to rush this.  My goal isn't to go and leave as early as possible; my goal is to come back better regardless of the amount of time it takes.  I hope to learn things that I can share here.  I will, for sure, be in the trauma unit with additional support.

More than anything I appreciate you all and your support.  I have no doubt as I do this I will think of the members here and their stories.  I know many of you will be in my heart as I am in yours.  Miss you already!!!

I am going to the eating disorder program that also treats trauma.  I'll be there at least 30 days, but who knows how much longer I might stay.  I'm really going to miss coffee.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow to discuss more.  I plan to talk to the kids on Friday.  It is the first time I can get them both together.  I am also going to ask their father for help.  All he really needs to do is make sure my 16 year old gets up for school.  They are good, young adults and will be fine on their own.  They can both drive and have a credit card.  I can also count on them not to be stupid.  My plants might die and my house won't be cleaned, but I can live with that.

I'm not feeling very well.  I just found out when.  So I am going to keep this brief.

If you all feel like I've been posting I'm going, I'm not, it's changed.... imagine how I feel.

We are back to the place it all started with.  I think all options had to be explored and had to have justification why they were not the best option.  I really feel like it is good this time.  A month ago we submitted my application, I did my labs and EKG.  I believe they accepted me.  I don't know if I have been accepted to the trauma unit or eating disorder unit, but the facility tailors a program to the person and I will be treated for both either way.  Personally, I am hoping for the trauma unit so maybe I can have coffee in the morning.

The estimate is 45 days.  This is an estimate, it can be more or less based on me.  I like that.  Some of the places considered were a set length of stay, where everyone comes in together, are treated all the same, and at the end of the program they are cured and leave at the same time.  I also use some bad coping skills and I like the idea of not being able to do these things due to supervision.  I need that help right now.  The other place were more of a partial hospital, where there were apartments and you can come and go.

I think??  It will be a week or two.  I once again, am getting a bag ready to go.

I've been in therapy for a year and a half and I really have not done as well as I hoped.  Recently, I had a major setback and an aha moment.  My sister threw a temper tantrum because my parents were giving me something she wanted.  I got to listen to her on the phone tell them they shouldn't do anything for me after all I did to them.  Right or wrong, I thought she forgave me.  I know, I know, it isn't me to forgive, but I thought at least we were there and I was willing to take that.  I realized she is really angry.  Perhaps her anger is misplaced, but that really doesn't matter.  She doesn't forgive me and still blames me.

I talked to my therapist about my mom burning my photos and my therapist asked who told me that, I said my sister.  I then realized that about every two weeks my sister lays something one me.  She recently told me (in detail) how my dad almost killed himself.  She told me he promised her money, but I ruined that.  She told me he was attacked in prison.  She has told me that he had to eat liver and we both know he hates that.  It goes on and on and on.  Each time I dismissed it and thought to myself, I deserved that.  She also said I don't want you to worry about it, but.... don't think about it but...I love you but.... I never even told my therapist because I didn't see what was going on.  Now, I realize she has been intentionally hurting me.  Friday I saw her with a  group and she pulled me aside to ask about treatment.  I said no real news.  She then said she doesn't understand how I am anorexic when I obviously don't care about the way I look.  It was so comical that I couldn't get upset.  She has done everything to comprise anorexia recovery but contradicting my treatment team.

So I want to hang on to my nephews and their families.  I also want my kids to know their relatives.  Additionally, we all adore my sister's husband.  So my plan is to try to not have one on one time with her.  Do family things but no more happy hours for us.  I wonder if that is even possible?  My sister tells me she loves me; but she is really, really angry at me and I don't think she is ever going to get over it.  She can't, because she can't deal with her own reality.

She also recently told me she tried therapy twice and it went really badly.  It was such a bad experience she will never go again.  My guess she went in complaining about me and the therapist gave her a dose of reality, the truth hurts.  People don't confess for no reason and people don't make this stuff up.  Okay, done....thanks.

I just want to say that I feel better today and it is so nice!  I know it is because I have not had contact with my sister, but I don't care how I got here, just happy to feel a little better.