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It's occurred to me that this may be in the wrong category. I apologise moderators - I'm still pretty new and thought the adult nature of my symptoms meant it was more appropriate for this group.

I can't tell you all what a relief it is to hear all of this. Thank you so much. Spilled some water on my kitchen bench just now and said to my inner child, "It's ok. No one hates you! We're just gonna wipe it it up quickly and then have a nice dinner together" and started laughing with relief. It's going to be a long journey but y'all have helped me take a huge step here. I can't wait to read all of your stories and hopefully return the favor.

Hi, madebynature I hope the nervousness goes away. The people here are so kind. I'm new too (only a couple of days). It's already made so much difference. Look forward to seeing your posts!

Hi, Shankara! We can do this, together! I've been here only a few days too, so both newbies. I've been humbled by the welcoming nature of all of these kind, equally traumatised people. I'm glad you found it too. I want to share the word with everyone now! Haha, look forward to your posts!

Three Roses you have been so welcoming and understanding, thank you. Now that I know I'm not outside of the pale here, I'm going to get involved on others posts a lot more. 

Libby I wonder about that too - I think perhaps I'm just turning into people that I admire and they are typically male as the women I knew growing up were woefully under resourced and unhappy. I've always sought out father figures too.

The sexual stuff...you know it doesn't look so weird written down now. I think you're right. I wasn't allowed to shut my bedroom door at home, and I had no space I could go. I certainly could never complain about people touching me, even if I wanted to eject my self out of my skin at the thought.

Just another frustrating and weird consequence of other people's behavior. I never thought I would ever make sense of it, only that I wouldn't ever talk about it.

Sigh. Love and light to you too. Hugs. And hugs to our inner children 

Hello everyone, new here.

Going to try and keep this short - I found out about emotional flashbacks, CPTSD and this forum three days ago, having heard of none of it in my 33 years. Now everything is unraveling like a rope with an anchor tied to it. I can't sleep, I'm sick, I'm remembering things that I've spent a long time pushing away. Things I've never told anyone, things I've never let leave my head. I'm almost scared to write it in case somebody I know finds it.

Firstly to everyone here who has suffered sexual abuse, I wish you wouldn't read this...I cry for you and I'm afraid that what I'm about to say will be misunderstood. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Short history of trauma - mother withdrew, father manipulated, both abandoned me to another family who made sure I felt resented my whole life. I would freeze in my bed so my uncle wouldn't find me if I knew he was angry, I never felt safe or wanted, I developed suicidal thoughts around fifteen and they've stayed with me. Even trying to cope with all of this new knowledge makes me think it'd be easier to just die. I'm on SSRIs now, against my wishes. Therapists have been useless. I'm married and my husband is only partly aware of any of what I'm doing/what I think about.

Here we go.

I had all the 'healthy' disassociations as a kid - intense daydreaming, reading, isolating etc.

As an adult, I imagine the following scenarios, with vivid clarity and in all kinds of settings. In the car, in the bathroom, etc;
- I am a guy. Not just any guy, I guy I became obsessed with a few years back but never really knew. I have his face and his voice. It happens ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it's other men, but mainly him. I talk (to myself), and I can see his face moving. Why???
- Less surprising stuff like I turn into men I know briefly, one common one is I'm being interviewed for a movie or a reality TV Show. This happens a lot, and I become very boastful. I imagine my family sees it at the end.

I worry that if a doctor ever knew about the above, I'd probably be diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder. But in a way I enjoy slipping in and out of myself...I mostly know I'm doing it.

The REALLY, REALLY, horrifying part...last chance to stop reading...

I can't enjoy sex with my husband unless I can imagine that I'm being forced into it. Like...I can't get there at all.

And there it is.

It's gotten worse as I've gotten older, too. I have to really disassociate now to make it happen. Why Why Why? I wasn't sexually abused, my uncle and father were definitely creeps but if they did anything, my mind has done a marvellous job of wiping it away. Has this happened to anyone else? I've tried searching for it here but nothing. Am I really messed up? I thought for a long time that it was about being 'wanted' but what a sick way for my mind to twist it. Do I really have CPTSD, or am I gravely mentally ill? Am I a secret psychopath? I can function in the outside world and nobody knows a thing. In fact I'm well liked by everyone I meet.

Thank you for your understanding.

Thank you 😊 finding this site is like having a torch thrown into a dark cavern. It all makes sense now.

Absolutely. I'm drawn to employers that say I'm a great worker and they love having me, who then tell me there's no money for raises and that they'd love to promote me but they just can't, and of course I'm just so happy to receive praise that I'll put up with it for years, while everyone around me moves up. On the flip side, having to constantly be aware of who was going to lose their temper next as a child made me practically a mind reader, and my desire to protect myself also made me a wonderful performer and comedian. I'm one of the most effective salespeople you'll ever know, haha.

I imagine him seeing me on television, in some kind of super important job, respected, celebrated, and regretting the way he treated me. And then dying so I'm the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes. I want that so bad. Don't worry. You're not alone. I also would like to know how to let this go.