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I don't know how to copy a part of a comment yet but I would like to thank Slim for the line on how could they do that to those little growing brains and it being symptoms not who we are.

Its all most impossible at this point for me to separate how I have been taught to treat myself by those who were supposed to be nurturing and supportive, because I know they were capable of being supportive and loving seeing my brother receiving such favorable attention.  So its tough to think anything different than I am just human trash meant to serve with a smile saying nothing about the atrocious horrors I was or am suffering with.

I don't know how to turn off the churning pain in my brain I hate it I wish I could erase my memory and start again...   

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Gosh Slim another thread that I could have written today!!!

I too am fed up I finally found the courage to say enough and got away but found myself perpetually with the same personalities as the parents and brother.
I was in denial for far too long at least the anger energizes me to take necessary steps to safety but I am in limbo until new housing presents itself.

I don't know if I have the gumption to keep looking for inspiration of hope...  All the hope dashed into a million little pieces over and over again so exhausting.

Its so very hard to feel like I am not a waste of flesh after all I been through.  It seems like being treated so badly has been part of my life for so long how could there possibly be enough time in this life to reverse the damage.  After all I am about to turn 50 in a few months so can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Thanks
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Thank you Slim and all that have commented I really needed to see this today.
Self hatred has been a constant survival technique I learned long ago. I was doing exactly what you wrote Slim and was still not feeling like I had a life worth living. 

When in desperation I found this site and started reading the resources, links and articles I found a direction for recovery.  Pete Walkers web site refers to a different form of PTSD and in reading this I found out that there is another approach to recovery.  It explained why therapists and doctors seemed to exasperate my self hatred and the solutions I could work toward when the emotional flashbacks come.  It is helping even though I still feel like I am drowning in all these emotions at lease I found a little hope again.

Its really hard to not just numb out to life completely and give up.  Its so exhausting to be on a constant roller coaster of emotions and to be dependent on people who constantly triggers those developmental traumas. 

I really like the comment about parenting the inner child through all these life experiences of constant triggers.

Thanks for being here 

Thank you SO MUCH Candid and Blueberry 
It means a lot to feel the validation in your words it brings those stinging healing tears to my eyes.  And its safe to cry now where I am I have real support here in the new place I got plugged in with a help organization and my wonderful daughter and grandkids.
I will be sticking around cause I feel like with you guys/gals I can vent safely without shame which is huge for me !

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Thanks for the link info !
95 here
its a new day to start fresh in my recovery!
I am understanding this is a slow process and thankfully I am ready for this journey and taking necessary steps to be safe from more family stuff cutting contact to a minimum.  It took me long enough baby steps for me   
Thank you everyone
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I feel the same daughter daughter I feel pretty stupid for believing it for all these years.  I feel guilty for having to just get away I was helping and taking care of him while living with him but it was just too horrible.  My bother is just like him and worse in someways. Ugh
Thank you for sharing
I know Im not alone for a change and maybe not as crazy and stupid and unworthy as I have been conditioned my whole life.
New Life starting today
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hello
I have been reading a lot of the experiences and replies over the last month. This one struck a cord in me I too had a M that was like that maybe a bit more in the NPD category therapists have told me.  I too was scapegoat and blamed for everything my younger brother was the golden child even when he was putting my life in danger. I wont go into specifics but neglect and abuse is all I knew from her besides the hatred.  In part because my father favored me because she didn't care for me properly while he was at work while I was an infant and  she had a skin disease that made her self conscious so she was jealous and did everything to destroy any confidence I would have about anything.

Everyone was fooled by the facade in our extended family and church friends.  She would always shame me in every way she could and deny any hobby or fun thing I would like.  While giving my brother everything because he was the fair haired boy golden child.  I felt crazy for hating everything and was told so as well that nothing was happening like I said.  Father expected excellence in everything and complete submission according to biblical demand no room for discussion on that don't dare question the parental figures.
For years I tried to drown my sorrows in work, boys then men, being reckless, then booze after she died.  I always thought my F was the normal one but I am finally out of that denial as well. I had to live with him due to financial issues from not being able to work.  It has been on and off for the last 10 or so years but I finally got out. I wont say more cause it would be a trigger but I am struggling to find myself to be ok in my own skin after all that has happened.  I had to relocate to another city to get away from the abuse. At my age I feel too many things all at once and get frequent emotional flashbacks. 
Thank goodness someone from OOTF suggested this site learning about complex PTSD help explain a lot of craziness that has been my reactions to the terrible trauma called childhood.  I think that is the first time I have really admitted that.  I tried to say there were good times but some drama always erased any tiny morsel of good.  Coming out of denial about my father being most likely borderline and N makes me feel so alone and makes me realize maybe now I have a chance to heal because I have nothing to hold onto or hold me down and back from doing something for me. I just get so frozen its very overwhelming to have lied to myself for far too long, I will be 50 soon and I feel so empty at times.  I am sorry for taking the space to add this to my comment on the mother issues I dont mean to take over I just didnt have the courage to start a new thread as I dont know where to start because it would be very triggering.
Thanks
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