Topics

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately, almost every night, which is understandable, because I'm working on healing and having a lot of old memories re-surface. But something is happening which I don't understand and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this or have any ideas about what might be going on.

I've been having nightmares about things I've never actually experienced, like natural disasters, and being in other frightening situations and environments I've never actually known. This morning I dreamed I was running from a tsunami. The thing which distinguishes these nightmares from 'normal' ones is that I often wake up in  panic, then eventually calm down, go back to sleep and go right back into the same nightmare, this is something new for me. Previously, when I would wake from nightmares I could go back to sleep and not have to re-experience them. I've had recurring dreams/nightmares through my life though, but not on the same night.

This morning I was running for my life from a tsunami over and over again, each time the outcome was a little different. The last time, I decided not to run, because I was tired, and so I woke up at the moment of getting engulfed by it.

Its almost like I'm dreaming about other peoples traumatic memories. I've never been in a natural disaster, been close to one or feel like I've been traumatized by one on TV or anything like that. These nightmares always happen during the later part of the night, like around 4 - 5am, well the ones I remember anyway.

If I believed in past lives, I might put it down to that, but I don't, well not in the typical way.

Anyone have any ideas what might be going on, or have experienced something similar?

I want to be able to go to the dog park, sit on one of the benches by myself, relax and enjoy watching my dog play with the other dogs, but I can't.

Mostly everyone else huddles around in groups, talking to each other, often completely ignoring their dogs. It seems like that's normal human behavior, and I'm not normal. I don't want to appear abnormal, or unsociable, so I force myself to do what I don't want to do, so that I can appear more normal, so that I can escape from feeling uncomfortable, from feeling like I don't fit in, from feeling like I've been excluded from the group. But I don't want to be part of those cliquey little groups, so I'm confused.

I don't care where snooty woman with too much make-up went on her vacation. I don't want to hear about how someone got drunk on the weekend, not interested in gossipy small talk, or bitchy stories, its like being back at high school.  I don't want to feel obliged to laugh at jokes or stories which aren't funny to me.  I don't want to listen to long winded, boring monologues from people who seem obsessed with the sound of their own voices.  I just want to relax and watch my dog playing, but everyone else seems to have this other agenda, which I don't understand.

I'm not unfriendly, I will acknowledge people and say hello, if it seems appropriate. I don't mind exchanging a few comments with someone, and will ask a relevant question or two if something interests me, but being part of a small group of people who are engaged in casual conversation causes me incredible anxiety, it's like my brain shuts down. But being on the outside of those groups feels worse,  panic starts to arise. I remember being exactly like this all through high school. I would get bullied sometimes being part of a group, some of my 'friends' were mean,  but I was terrified of not being part of a group.

Thinking about it now, it was the same in my family. I guess I was the scapegoat and was often bullied and humiliated, and sent to my room alone if I tried to stand up for myself... banished from the family, ignored and shamed.

I can't believe I'm still having this problem as an adult. I've started avoiding taking my dog to the dog park, because of my problem, and now I'm feeling guilty about that because unlike me, he's very sociable and loves going there.

Any kind words of wisdom, ideas or suggestions would be much appreciated.

As title, how do you quote and multi-quote in this forum?   

I was going to start from the start, with my first memory, but have found myself triggered by a current situation so perhaps I will start with that instead.

Angry: annoyed, bitter, enraged, exasperated, furious, heated, and indignant. Add to that ignored, disregarded, and feeling small and too helpless to do anything to improve the situation, to get what I ordered and paid for. Yep, I ordered something over a week ago, paid for it and my order still hasn't been processed. When I checked the status of my order, expecting is was about to be delivered any day now, pure fury erupted in my body at the realization that it hadn't even been shipped.

Obviously an over reaction, very unpleasant, not something I want to be experiencing, but there it is, a remnant from my childhood when I was often disregarded, ignored, and silenced when I tried to get my wants or needs met.

Anger was a capital crime in my family, unless you were M, and D wasn't home. M frequently erupted into rages, especially during the early years of my life. She became angry at anything she considered to be disobedience, even if it was a natural expression of justified emotion. But she didn't always explode into a rage, sometimes she just ignored me, other times she would burst into song, singing at the top of her voice to drown me out. Often I would end up crying in frustration, my last ditch attempt to get some help for whatever I was struggling with, which would get me sent to my room, until I 'learned how to behave properly'.

The thing is, there was no one there to teach me how to behave properly, all I had was her, who really didn't teach me anything but how not to behave, how people really couldn't be trusted and how the world wasn't safe. That's what I learned. I also learned that the only person I could turn to for help was myself, and I wasn't to be trusted either.

It doesn't feel safe to be angry, that's the worst offense, bringing with it shame and the threat of all kinds of horrors. So allowing myself to feel angry now, is both frightening and relieving. I'm still not comfortable with this strange experience, and I don't feel confident with how to express it appropriately, but I'm learning.

I located the message/contact section of the website I ordered from and started the process of finding out why my product hadn't yet been sent. I was angry while I was typing, but restrained myself somewhat, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, trying to be both polite and professional, but feeling a torrent of suppressed anger bubbling up from my past wasn't helping me to behave in a rational manner.

After my message had been sent, I was overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness, imagining I would be ignored, or gaslighted or that I would receive a hostile response, denying any accountability. My mind was replaying an old script, which I recognized. It was painful, I was re-living my emotionally abusive childhood in the present moment, trying desperately to stay afloat, not wanting to drown again.

As bad as my mother was, I don't believe she was the primary cause of damage as I was growing up. She neglected a huge part of her responsibility as a parent, and had anger issues, which leaked out onto me, but I do believe that she cared about me, in her own limited way, she tried to love me, in the only way she knew how. She also made occasional, weak attempts to protect me from my father and his pathological need for total control. It's taken me a while to come to this conclusion, but I now believe he's a narcissist, undiagnosed of course... and M is his co-dependent enabler. My role in the family evolved over time, but I think I roughly fall into the category of scapegoat. My sister came along when I was 5 and she became the golden child, somewhat, but not always. Sibling rivalry soon started to flourish, it was inevitable really, when parents use whatever means are easiest, to manipulate and control children, playing them off against each other,  using unhealthy competition and shame to effect behavior without having to enter into direct conflict. Conflict was bad, especially the emotional kind, especially if D was home. The rules changed when when D was at work. M had several personalities, depending on who was around, it was very confusing to me back then, and my personality developed based on that confusion and instability, I became insecure and developed abandonment issues. D had two personalities, his family one which was alternatively controlling or shut down and distant, and his outside personality which was full of energy, engagement, charm and enthusiasm. As a child, that was confusing to me also, I blamed myself for not being good enough or interesting enough to get his attention when we were at home, without company. But now I understand what was going on, its taken decades and lots of painful research and honesty to get to this place of realizing that there wasn't anything wrong with me, it was him and his inability to see me, to love me because he is a narcissist who sees all other people as objects to be used, to satisfy his own un-met childhood needs. Both of my parents were abused as children, worse than me, but neither of them has recognized this, acknowledged it or taken responsibility for its effect on them or their own parenting skills, and so the tragic legacy was passed on to another generation.... but stopped with me.

I was traumatized, not from being beaten, starved or raped by my care givers, but by being ignored, disregarded, lied to, shamed, blamed, threatened, and being denied my basic human need for love, comfort, support, help, respect and consideration. I was an object, to serve their emotional needs at worst and at best, to not get in their way or be an inconvenience.... which I was, or seemed to be a lot of the time.

There were a few random incidences of physical abuse, mostly from M, she had been badly beaten by her own mother when she was a child. She tried to do things differently, I know she did, she knew it was wrong, because she controlled herself when D was around. But for me, the few times when she did attack me with various objects, it was preferable, the physical pain was welcome, the energy from her felt more honest, more vibrant, there was a more genuine connection. Being chased around the house and swiped at with a horse whip was better than being locked in my room and being ignored for hours.

I remember the solitary time when D had hit me. I was about 14 I think. I had reached an age when I was actively rebelling from the abitrary control and lack of consideration for my emotional needs. I had been shut in my room and grounded for several weeks for what I considered was a minor transgression, so I climbed out of my window and escaped. When I returned, D was angry, grabbed me and gave me a half hearted swipe on my bottom, I was shocked, he had never raised a hand towards me in my life. I was also filled with something I'd never felt before, it was a kind of victory, like as if I had finally been able to get an honest reaction out of him. I had moved him, connected with him in a genuine kind of way. But then he burst into tears and left me and I was engulfed in shame and guilt, which was later reinforced by M when she shamed me more for being so disobedient and making my father cry. That was the only time I had ever seen him cry, up until that point anyway. I felt bad, very bad, I had driven my father to tears and that was a very bad thing to do. I decided I would try harder to not cause trouble, to be what they wanted me to be. It was never spoken of again. But things got worse.... much worse, for me anyway.

I've been a member here a while, and keep visiting the site with hopes of finding some help, maybe contributing and sharing my experiences, but I'm finding the whole site confusing, huge and overwhelming. I just don't know where to start or where to post.

A few times I have started reading posts in areas which seem relevant to my experiences, but I keep getting triggered because reading about other people being upset about the same things which I've been in denial about for so long, drags me into a frightening and hopeless feeling of reality about just how bad my childhood actually was.

Almost everything I read, I say to myself "yep, that happened to me".... or some similar version of it. But I've been in denial about it all, spent my life running away from my feelings because I was always told I was being silly or selfish or ... I can't even remember half the time because I'm triggered and my memory goes blank. But basically I was shamed out of expressing feelings, even the good ones. Neither of my parents could handle emotion, in themselves or anyone else and they used the easiest and fastest method of shutting down any emotion in me for their own comfort. So I learned that emotion was bad and I was bad and that there was something wrong with me for feeling stuff and for not being able to do life as well as it appeared other people were able to..... and it was all my fault.

I've just started learning how to have love and compassion for myself. I was taught that my needs aren't important and that my value lies in being of use to others, so I'm fighting my urges to ignore my own needs here, trying to figure out how to reach out for help, not wanting to hurt anyone else in the process. I'm not sure how it works, how the wounded are able to help the wounded, as we all need our love and compassion for ourselves.  I don't have much to give to anyone else right now, its taking all my focus and strength, remembering to love myself, to be kind to myself, to heal myself first, before I take care of anyone else.

This site has been recommended multiple times as the place for support for healing from CPTSD and I do want to get better. I'm willing to do the work, as long as I can take baby steps, but I don't know where to start really, or where to post things.

I've been reading Pete Walkers books and have just started with the 'Focusing Method' for connecting with feelings. I've had a few significant spiritual shifts over the years, which have changed my perceptions and views about things. Externally, my life is great now. For the first time in my life I have a safe, stable home, no financial problems and I'm not being abused by anyone. But inside, I'm a mess, the patterns from my childhood are still playing out through my mind and nervous system, but at least now I can see them and understand where they started.

Is getting triggered, feeling overwhelmed, anxious and hopeless part of the recovery process? I'm not sure what I should be reading here on the site, or if I should stop if I become triggered.

I was just reading about people who had their toys given away and then about someone who's dog was given away. My dog was given away when I was 5 and I was lied to about the reason, made to feel ashamed because I was sad about it. He had been my best friend, then suddenly he was gone and I never saw him again. Most of my toys were given away when I was 9 because we were moving to another country, there was no kindness, compassion or understanding about it. I just had to choose 2 toys to keep and the rest were thrown away I think, don't know what happened to them. I remember being shocked, in disbelief and devastated. The awful thing about it was that my parents kept lots of their stuff and brought it with them, they spent thousands shipping a car, and things which were important to them across the world, but I couldn't bring my toys with me. There was no emotional support for me about that whole move across the world, into a different culture and environment. I was basically left to my own devices, ignored and had to figure it out alone. I never did regain a feeling of anywhere being home after that, never knew where I belonged.

Having my stuff disposed of by them happened to me a second time when I was an adult, when I was sick and unable to deal with it myself. My teenage daughter and I had lost our home after a divorce and were storing some of our possessions in an unused part of my parents house while we were staying with a friend,  until I found somewhere else for us to live. But before I had a chance to deal with our things, I became very sick.  While I was recovering from my illness my father decided he wanted his room back, said he wanted the space to have parties in, which was ridiculous, but I was so sick at the time I wasn't able to deal with it and had to watch helplessly as he slowly went through all my stuff and sold it. My daughter was able to rescue what she wanted to keep, but I was unable to.  I could tell he was having a great time with it all, he loves selling stuff, anything to make money.

The truth is, he didn't want to use that space in his house, its still empty with nothing going on, but dirt and dust, but its his house and if he didn't want my things taking up his space, what could I do. I think the real reason he wanted to get rid of my things is because he was bored and wanted a project and I was sick and vulnerable at the time so he took advantage of the situation. He did give me the money he got for selling my things though, so that's something, but I didn't need money, I needed my health back and some consideration and compassion.

Anyway, I've written a bit about myself and my past, there's so much more though, I've been through a lot of trauma in my life, with no emotional support and no compassion, from anyone, including myself.  I had the idea that anything bad which happened to me was my own fault, that I deserved it, because that's what I was told as a child. I remember going to my parents whenever I was upset, because someone had hurt me or I'd had an accident or something. My father especially would always find a way to blame me for what had happened, saying that I had done something wrong or that I had misunderstood the other person or responded to them inappropriately. I don't ever remember being comforted by either of them when I was upset. When I was about 12 I was sexually abused by a man in a local store, I ran home, very confused and upset and told my mother, she asked me what I wanted her to do about it, told me not to tell my father because he would be angry. I remember that it left me feeling even more confused and ashamed, like as if I had done something wrong. Nothing happened about the man who had abused me, I guess he went on to do the same to other kids.

I remember being hit a few times, but most of the harm was caused by the constant emotional abuse and neglect which began at birth I assume. My parents should never had brought children into the world, neither of them were cut out for being parents, having been abused in their own childhoods and both of them believing they were fine, while unconsciously passing all their dysfunction onto me and my sister.

My life has been about struggling and surviving, while being unaware of why I found life so difficult compared with other people. I put other peoples needs, desires and comfort before my own, believing I was worthless and didn't deserve love or happiness or anything good for myself. When my daughter came along, I lived for her, wanting her to have a better life than I did. Unfortunately, I had unconsciously chosen a man very similar to my own father, to marry, to be the father of my child. It wasn't until my daughter was about 6 that I started learning about narcissism and the real reason behind all the dysfunction in my family. I was able to protect her from a lot of the harm I had received, during my childhood, but I wasn't able to fix myself. 

It took about 7 years, to recover from my illness, half of that time I was bed-bound most of the day, unable to do much of anything but survive. I had agoraphobia from being sensitized to light, sound and movement, so I became very isolated, only able to go out once a week to buy a few groceries.  My daughter grew up, graduated from college, started work, bought her own house and moved out. She's doing fine, has a nice relationship and a great career, she seems normal and happy. I'm grateful I was able to protect her from the legacy of my abusive past, but now I'm left here with just myself, my inner child and my dog, ready to deal with the truth, my feelings and heal, so I can hopefully one day have a healthy relationship with myself and someone else and maybe even enjoy what remains of my life.