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A few nights ago, I was doing parts work and my little was sitting on the bed wanting to write in my journal.  Through a series of events that didn't happen, but as I'm doing moar parts work, they started a journal entry, so I decided to make them their own journal.  Because they deserve to have their voices heard. 

  

EA

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One thing to note, for anyone that reads these entries, the way I do "parts work" may be different than the way many of you experience/do parts work.  My parts are closer to DID (dissociative identity disorder) - at least it seems different to me when I see other people talk about their parts and the research on parts work I've done. 

Some of you that are familiar with my other journal have already been introduced to some of them - The advocate, Drama, My Crazy...all the things I have not let myself say because of conditioning.  They feel it is really important that they all get to say what they want, and I want to honor that for them. 

It may be hard, or confusing to read, because sometimes, they interrupt each other, or run away without finishing sentences.  When more than one think a thing, they usually say We. 

I feel misunderstood and judged and it makes me defensive to the point I'm defensive in my own thoughts because I'm unable to validate them.

I get stuck on words, or concepts and overly attached to other people's interpretation of what I'm saying, because I recognize that other people assign different value to words than I do, based on their own lived experiences.  I consistently find myself in situations where I don't have the vocabulary to speak my truth from a place of authenticity, rather than defensiveness triggered by not being able to feel psychologically safe.  I need help dialing it back, to meeting people where they are instead of hoping they are going to meet me where I am.  I have not experienced the support of someone willing to help me stand in my truth, and my unmet needs keep getting in the way of being able to communicate effectively. 

It's like I need to tell a story and freeze it, and explore what's happening.  Only I'm too busy reliving it to even express that coherently, my inner child keeps getting in the way.  I'm spending too much time attempting to frame it so someone with a different frame of reference can understand it, or trying to explain my frame of reference to someone so they can interpret it the same way I intend it. 

I need somewhere I can throw ideas at until something sticks.  And continue to work it out until I have something that is close to what my truth is.

When I attempt to tell people I need to talk, they offer suggestions that trigger my core wound of not being heard.  The messages I receive are all great suggestions, but they hurt even more, because the message underlying the suggestion is, "you should be able to do this on your own, handle your own *, I do - or talk to a therapist if you can't, just don't bother me, you're too needy".

When I try to explain, it doesn't make sense to other people, because *I* know what I'm saying but I don't know how to express it and no one stops and says, "ok, here is what I hear you are saying, is that correct?" they are all just listening with compassionate empathy and then thinking of something that would help them - something that works for them when they empathize with how I'm feeling.  So it loops back to my core wound of not being heard.

I keep getting trapped in these circular thoughts of not being heard, and also being misunderstood - because I say what I need and they suggest something that isn't what I'm asking for. so I blame myself that I'm just not effectively communicating...and then I'm angry because I think I could PRACTICE effective communication if only I had someone to talk to!!  But that's not fair and not the other person's fault.  I should be able to figure this out on my own, all the answers are within me, I should be able to be smart enough to figure this out....then comes the shame, and the valid feelings that I have every right to feel but (society) tells me I don't, because (society) isn't dealing with chronic isolation and ongoing traumatic events. 

I get to the point where the things people suggest seem like just going through the motions of life, and I'm somehow outside it because I have no connections myself.  Then I think how horrible of a person I must be that none of my "friends" want to spend any time with me, or even call me...which I know isn't true, everyone is just so busy dealing with their own @#%. 

So then I get sad I'm so needy and curl up in a ball and once again try to figure out how to be a friend to myself. 

I keep getting these moments of clarity that are immediately coupled with feelings that trigger my defenses. 

It's like a concept I can't put into words, but when I recognize it, I get dysregulated to the point my mind can't make meaning of words, and it spends all its energy trying to process the world around me.

I have C-PTSD by being a parentified child in a household where there was no communication. 
I'm also dealing with chronic isolation (have been pretty isolated, not by my own choice, just by circumstance, my entire life).
I've had one relationship which I recognized as narcissistic/abusive and while trying to get treatment/heal from THAT (and all the other ongoing traumas) I was constantly being triggered by a woman I support at work who is also a narcissitic abusive woman...and when I advocated for myself experienced institutional betrayal.  I am currently out on medical leave while I try to find the language I need so I can feel like a survivor and not a victim. 

I've never experienced psychological safety, have been allowed autonomy or been able to set boundaries successfully.  I feel like I've been in survival mode so long I don't even know what it is I'm asking for....but I do know, I'm tired of carrying this burden myself and need help. 

Being my own advocate, while in crisis* is exhausting.  I don't have the resources or support I need, and I need more help than the fragmented workings of my own brain right now.  When I try to ask for help, it feels like my inner child who never got their needs met takes over and before I know it, instead of educating and advocating, I'm crying I wish I had a mom to take care of me.  It's embarrassing (but I give myself grace). 

I don't need compassionate empathy (although it is appreciated).  Right now I literally need people willing to let me tell me story so I can feel validation, so I can hear more than, "What you experienced is awful".  I need, ok, I hear what you are saying, and what you are trying to say, let's work together to frame the words so they make you feel empowered. 

I'm not sure that makes sense...I'm so exhausted by saying the same thing over and over again and not being heard.  I'm literally losing the few friends I have over meaningless misunderstandings, and I don't get it.  I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels 

*crisis - to my point of needing help with the language, how do I explain that what I'm experiencing isn't PTSD (re-living a past trauma) but currently in the midst of what is ongoing current happening right now, living it in this minute Trauma?