Hi. I've never done anything like this before. Talking about myself anywhere other than in therapy. I feel I at least need to try it, even if it's just once. So I'll see what comes up and try to bring it in a way that resembles something you would call coherent.
I don't know what to say, not really. I don't know how to voice it. It's there, I know it, the hole in my head that I can't reach. It's from that unreachable place that the breach in experiencing myself starts. I'm in pieces, sometimes the experience of myself, especially after one of those extreme panics, is so fragmented it's hard to tell what part I'm feeling. I'm aware of feeling fragmented which means I'm still here, I'm also not afraid of feeling that way but it also feels like something that will never heal. Sometimes I can barely feel my body, making walking a very wobbly experience.
I heard about c-ptsd for the first time a while ago and recognized a lot, if not all, of the symptoms. I read a term that really stuck with me 'situations of prolonged helplessness''. I kept coming back to it and a while later it hit me; all my life I have felt helpless, completely and utterly helpless. ''There's no point, it's no use, it always ends in pain....'' My life, how everything went, is not because I'm someone who is in some way just wrong but because I'm someone who has always felt totally helpless. Discovering this was so great because now every time something I fear comes up I know that to learn how not to be helpless I have to face it. I felt then and feel now knowing that has helped and is helping with getting further with feeling less helpless and less afraid of fear.
While searching some more on c-ptsd I found this forum, which I like reading, and somehow I didn't want this to be another place where I lurk around, not 'showing' myself, being unseen. Always the outsider because ''staying out is the only way to keep safe''. That's how my life feels; staying out of life, believing it's not for me. Before my breaking point I would only do things (very) sedated and when that's was no option I would be very far away in thoughts. Classic dissociation, escaping expercience.
I've come a long way these last 7-8 years but talking with people is still really is difficult. In real life there always is that fear that it could turn personal without an escape (the fact that that's a real concern of mine shows how much of a problem that still is for me). It's a deep rooted conviction I'm aware of ''I don't want to be seen it hurts too much'' but being aware isn't enough as long as I keep living that way. I have to start somewhere so why not here?
I don't know what to say, not really. I don't know how to voice it. It's there, I know it, the hole in my head that I can't reach. It's from that unreachable place that the breach in experiencing myself starts. I'm in pieces, sometimes the experience of myself, especially after one of those extreme panics, is so fragmented it's hard to tell what part I'm feeling. I'm aware of feeling fragmented which means I'm still here, I'm also not afraid of feeling that way but it also feels like something that will never heal. Sometimes I can barely feel my body, making walking a very wobbly experience.
I heard about c-ptsd for the first time a while ago and recognized a lot, if not all, of the symptoms. I read a term that really stuck with me 'situations of prolonged helplessness''. I kept coming back to it and a while later it hit me; all my life I have felt helpless, completely and utterly helpless. ''There's no point, it's no use, it always ends in pain....'' My life, how everything went, is not because I'm someone who is in some way just wrong but because I'm someone who has always felt totally helpless. Discovering this was so great because now every time something I fear comes up I know that to learn how not to be helpless I have to face it. I felt then and feel now knowing that has helped and is helping with getting further with feeling less helpless and less afraid of fear.
While searching some more on c-ptsd I found this forum, which I like reading, and somehow I didn't want this to be another place where I lurk around, not 'showing' myself, being unseen. Always the outsider because ''staying out is the only way to keep safe''. That's how my life feels; staying out of life, believing it's not for me. Before my breaking point I would only do things (very) sedated and when that's was no option I would be very far away in thoughts. Classic dissociation, escaping expercience.
I've come a long way these last 7-8 years but talking with people is still really is difficult. In real life there always is that fear that it could turn personal without an escape (the fact that that's a real concern of mine shows how much of a problem that still is for me). It's a deep rooted conviction I'm aware of ''I don't want to be seen it hurts too much'' but being aware isn't enough as long as I keep living that way. I have to start somewhere so why not here?