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OMG, has it been a month? Sheesh. So, the little house auction went well, the guy checking in everyone even remembered me and my house from when I dropped it off. He was so sweet about it. I've been rather creative on the poetry front and even had one that processed a memory. Seems like poetry might work better for my processing than memoir at this point. Therapist is considering going to "as needed" basis since I haven't been highly triggered by an EF lately. Of course, the political stuff is anxiety-inducing enough.

Had a nice birthday. Tasty lunch and love with the bro and BFF, and reduced-calorie (but yummy) ice cream is in the freezer. And hey, 55, now I qualify for some restaurant discounts, LOL. Just keepin' on, ya know. Still don't get out much, but the few artsy things I've made myself go to have turned out well. It helps when everyone is there for the same reason and generally not the type of people I find triggering. Therapist is on vacation during next meeting time, so that's almost a month between visits.  We'll check in and probably go to the "only if needed" schedule. I'll tentatively take the win. Healed? not by a long shot. Better than in the beginning? kinda, yeah. Still have the physical issues, but not unexpected.

Oh, may have to buy a new mattress, as this memory foam one is very compressed after only 4 years. That makes me mad, as my previous one lasted a full 10 years. They're so horribly expensive anymore, and most aren't flippable to last as long. Sigh.

So, the anger thing stems a lot from not being listened to. I had an interaction yesterday that is bothering me the more I think about it. I took my bro out for breakfast to a place we both like. The older male owner was working the cash register. We're not crazy about when he's there because he seems a little rude to his employees. He's not always there, though and the food is great.

So, I ordered Eggs Benedict because I love hollandaise more than I should, LOL. But with my blood sugar issues, I did want fewer carbs since it comes with hash browns... So I asked for it without the english muffin. he stared at me blankly like the concept didn't even compute. Then he asks if I want the hash browns. I said yes, just trying to cut down on carbs. He asks if I want white or wheat toast. I said neither. Then he suggested I just buy the X breakfast (I don't recall the name) with a side of hollandaise, it'd be cheaper.

I said okay, I'll do that, thank you. Trying to save me money, I thought. Then he asks how I want the eggs, I said over medium. (Benedict has poached eggs) He asks about the meat, I chose bacon instead. Then he asks if I want white or wheat toast again. By this point, it's busy and people are lining up behind us and I feel pressured. So, I just gave in and said wheat to hurry it up.

They're normally award-winning food, so maybe it was an off day, I dunno... But my giving in meant I didn't really get what I wanted. The hollandaise was bland as heck, no lemony taste at all. I cannot STAND eggs with runny whites, it's revolting and not fully cooked. There was a bit of runny near the centers, so it wasn't truly "over medium". It was all edible but not up to their usual standards. But ever since then, I've been getting more and more mad at myself for giving in when someone wasn't listening to what I want.  Like, just give me what I'm blanking well paying you for.

It's frustrating and I know I should let it so because it's so minor an interaction in the scheme of things. But I find not being listened to, really listened to, really triggers the anger lately.

Oh, I already know, San. The bakery in my local grocery store actually makes a decent tiramisu and sells it by the slice, so that's my aim.

I got my first real writing rejection email today. But, it doesn't seem to really be bothering me. Not everything is going to be the right fit. It helps that they were nice and included some really lovely feedback. Plus, it frees up that particular piece to be submitted elsewhere. Nothing will stop me from writing, either. So it was good to feel like "Huh, okay, moving on." instead of personally derided.

Side note, using the extra yarn from the Little House project to make a nice summer mesh top to wear over a tank top. Maybe I'll get it done in time for the opening.

Currently working on some anger over not being heard in minor interactions lately with strangers. I swear, my anger sure seems a lot more touchy lately. Maybe I feel a little safer to actually BE angry about things?

Wow, lab results back already. I got the email and logged into the portal to find... glucose is at 4.5, which is a great number, AND cholesterol is looking very good as well. Everything is good, but those were huge gains. It being that good means I can even ease up just a tiny bit as long as I remain diligent. Which is going, cause that birthday treat next month can be delicious. LOL I'm very happy with this. And yes, I downloaded a copy to save.

Thanks to the universe, my own difficult hard work, and the love and support and assistance from my bro and BFF. This all goes quite a ways towards relieving at least those sources of anxiety. Everything else still exists, but there's a little less piling on.

hugs, San!

Well, the 3-month mark brings good news. I had labs drawn, but we expect my A1C to be within a good range when it comes back in a couple days. That said, my aggressive efforts through diet alone means there's not really a justification for continuing to have a monitor at all. I do still have the finger stick equipment, but she I only should need to do that if I feel the symptoms of a serious low blood sugar. So that's great! And my next appt is in 3 months, not one. I'm quite please with everything, really. (which is good, because I do intend to have a small birthday treat next month, just one.) Oh, and I'm down 5 lbs.  She may or may not increase the Ozempic depending on lab results, but I'm doing well so far. Goodness knows I needed a positive with everything else going on.

Since the House passed the SAVE Act and now it goes to the Senate, I'm fearful it'll get passed. It would get rid of mail-in ballots (disenfranchising a lot of disabled and elderly) and forces you to have a birth certificate or passport that matches your ID. Which attempts to disenfranchise a lot of married women. Given I've legally changed my name and not even the court documents would be good enough, I've sent off the forms and fees to change my birth certificate to match. I'm super angry about having to put out this money. It basically creates a poll tax for anyone who needs their stuff to match, and that's unconstitutional. Illegal. But I will NOT be stopped from voting as a citizen. Anyhow. My anger levels at so many things right now are really giving my therapist her paycheck, LOL. Right now, I'm just managing the anxiety of praying I get my disability payment Weds. I hate this abuser in charge.
Ok breathe. Tea sounds good about now.

Well, good and annoying.
The good: Live reading of winning poems announced for the end of this month, and submitted a fiction and poem to another journal. Fingers crossed for that one! Grateful and proud to see my stuff getting out there.

The continuous glucose monitor started strong. Fixed the night issue. But twice this week including just now, I've just been sitting here watching a video about 1.5 - 2 hours after a normal meal and gotten the LOW alarm saying my blood sugar's around 54. Knowing I just ate, I sucked up my needle fear and severely low pain tolerance (the whole reason I HAVE the CGM) and jabbed my finger. No, blood sugar is actually 123! Then the Libre shot back up to a normal level reading within a minute.

insert the cuss words we can't say here, LOL.

I guess I'm going to have to talk to my doc next appt about switching to the Dexcom G7, what my brother uses that literally never has this issue. It's bigger and only lasts 10 days each, but I just can't deal with this. I cannot recommend the Freestyle Libre monitor with this level of performance, which I think is not acceptable. Severely disappointing and I'm annoyed I have to deal with it. Grrrrrrr I don't need added anxiety on top of everything else. I couldn't get into my online govt disability account yesterday and was freaking out. I can get in today, but this terror of not getting paid every month is deeply wearing.

Thank you, Armee!

So, self education. I got a couple lows from this CGM, so I decided to look up overnight hypoglycemic episodes for diabetics, see if it really wasn't the monitor. (when I research, I only use legit scientific sites) I was a bit aggravated because the results all said to eat CARBS right before bed. I was having a protein shake because I quite logically knew protein takes longer to digest and keeps your blood sugar more even, but apparently that's not what's needed before bed. I was all "fine, make up your mind, can I have carbs or not, I'll try it". So instead of my protein shake, I had a peanut butter sandwich using one slice of bread, and a glass of milk. Ya'll... It worked. It's worked 3 nights in a row now. No lows, no alarms, No getting up unless I need to use the restroom which is usual as one ages. But! Get this...

Guess what some symptoms of those nightly low blood sugars are. Sweating, and vivid dreams or nightmares, as well as maybe waking up with heart racing or panting. The sweating thing is so common, the sites even advised if you have a diabetic kid to check if the back of their neck is clammy at night. And these past three nights, I've nibbled down half a slice of bread when I get up to use the restroom, usually around 3am or so, which is when they were happening. The research said that's usually when it happens. I've slept better, not sweated nearly as much, and dreams are normal. I'll continue testing because 3 nights is nowhere near a statistically valid sample size for an experiment, but I'm hopeful. And while it's carbs and spikes my sugar a little, it's still nowhere near enough to cause a high alarm. Heck, 2 tiny satsuma oranges spike me worse than that.

But imagine if a percentage of my nightmares could be solved with the way I eat... Wow.

Also, submitted two poems to a contest today. It's a literary journal, so I won't hear for several months, but fingers crossed!

Hugs, san!

So, had a big positive today. I am one of the winners in a state-wide poetry contest. I'm not linking since we can't do the personal info here, but I'm so thrilled! There will be a live reading next month, too. The prize is a pass that gives me one entry to each of at least 15 different state museums and parks, and I have a year to use it from its first use. Super awesome! It was a juried contest, so my therapist and I are firmly putting that in the "improve my self-esteem" category of the care plan.

Also, turns out I don't have to pay any taxes, so I'm good on that. Yay for a local tax pro, totally worth her reasonable fee.

Hugs, San!

yeah, this provider has been good. I mentioned getting a titer test Monday when I saw her (explanation in a moment) and she was "ok, sure". The lab is just next door-ish, which is handy and I had my results the next day. So, a titer test can tell what vaccines you've had. I do not have my childhood records. Being a military kid, I looked up how to get those, and it's insane. They're filed by facility! Like, I don't even remember what state I lived in whenever I got those, much less the facility. And, I'd have to have the military member's social security number. I've never had that information. I was born in 1970, and that was at a time when you got 1 dose and they didn't recommend 2 doses until 1989. But, we'd gone to Asian countries when I was 6, so I presume I got more vaccines than other kids. Anyhow, it came back that my MMR (measles/mumps/rubella) is still good, I'm fine for it. I could go get a measles one if I want, but it's not totally necessary. Good to know, right? I might anyway simply because my BFF doesn't have the best immune system with all his issues.

I have the new CGM and the new one goes in next week. I laughed because smaller? Goodness, these two nearly equal one of the previous boxes. They still don't include an alcohol wipe with the applicator, though. That feels kinda cheap, in my opinion. Eh, I have some. I just hope this doesn't have the false low issues.

Still trying to stay even with everything happening. It's so hard. I did manage to do the Amazon week-long boycott. Well, it ends this Friday, but so far so good. While I have needed a few things, I've either found ways to get them elsewhere or not really needed them. It's quite interesting to see how utterly addictive that instant 2-day gratification was. I got a couple books for the BFF from an indie publisher, and some yarn from the company itself. I'm doing the Little House creative auction again. This year, I'm making a crocheted one, but not on a wood block. It'll look like a little fairy house made from a prickly pear cactus. Super appropriate for my area. I'll have to make a cardboard or wire frame to crochet over to put in the right size pot. Don't worry, I will take photos again. And I've submitted some poetry and writings to a few more journals/zines. Focusing on small projects helps distract me a bit here and there.

The digital cleanse is 99% done. Other than the calendar I have to share with my bro on Google, I'm off the big evil providers and have far better security and such. It definitely feels much better. Even got a new external hard drive for a complete backup. (amazing that 4Tb is under $100 these days) It also is extremely useful to have separate emails for things like health, shopping, hobbies, etc. They flow into one place, but I can see so easily what's important and what can wait. Getting off all those sites has also cut down on 99% of the junk email I used to get. Much, much less impulse shopping, even if a place I'm still on (like eyeglasses) offers a sale. I feel less pressure to get anything. It's nice to remove stress I didn't even realize was stress.

hugs to all who want them, still here and still support ya'll!

Thank you, Papa, San, and Chart!

Just got the text earlier that the new monitor Rx has been sent to the pharmacy. I do kinda look forward to the new one being a little smaller. I found a great resource at https://tcoyd.org, which is a nonprofit org called Take Control of Your Diabetes. The founder has a lot of experience and is an endocrinologist with a history of work at both the Veterans Admin and University of California-San Diego. So, not another money-making charlatan. He also wears a monitor and has for a long time. Lots of really good info and resources on there.

BFF and I went out and distributed the zine and flyers. It was an exhausting few hours, but loads of fun. Bein it was on the economic boycott day, we chose to have lunch at a local Vietnamese restaurant and use cash. That was nice, albeit paying with cash felt weird after so long. Literally, the only thing I use cash for anymore is getting change at the laundromat.

Therapy is going well enough. Of course, we talk about the huge amounts of anxiety the news gives me. I should ask her to revisit the careplan, since everything went so scary, I haven't thought much about my usual stuff. Well, consciously as much. I dissociated a lot due to the news and such.

Just... keepin' on. Doing what I can.

Issue figured out! That particular glucose monitor sensor was having issues near the end of its placement and throwing a couple false lows here and there. (this is why I do my own research) I put on the next one a day early and it's working just fine. And of course, I then get an email about the company discontinuing the Libre 2 in September, so be sure to get your provider to write a new Rx for the 3+!  LOL eh, it's apparently smaller, has a better distance range and can be on for 15 days instead of 14. *shrug* My PCP won't have a problem with it.

Had a good day yesterday. BFF and I went and had Salvadorean food for lunch, then had a folding/stapling party where we got issues of our zine put together. Then we watched "World's End". I love Simon Pegg movies and hadn't seen that one. It was great! Didn't realize Martin Freeman was in it. It was a fun time. We also put together the mini-zine about How To Protest Safely to distribute. Having that to focus on has helped some of the anxiety that balls up with every new thing in the news.

Random thought: I turn 55 in may. There will be quite a few restaurants where I can get the senior discount now. LOL

Totally, san. It's a severe appetite suppressant, and you feel full sooner so you can't eat as much. Like, it will make you feel terrible if you do. Ever eat so much your tummy physically feels tight and hurts? That. Today was a hard one. it's been on the low side with a lot of alarm dips. And I couldn't figure out how to fix it. Low enough to take a glucose tablet twice, shove down some greek yogurt, then a chicken salad sandwich, all within 3 hours. I just want uninterrupted sleep.

the arnica cream also isn't really doing much for the bruises. I'm thinking it's not a strong enough concentration, maybe.

I've also been doing a digital cleanse. Like, getting rid of websites I really don't need or don't use enough to make an account worth it. Goodness, it's so much more than I thought. I've only been through the shopping and gaming categories and I've done 131 line items. Although it does make me feel lighter, in a way. Whatever helps these days with everything else going on. At least it's a productive kind of avoidance, right?

Hugs, san, thank you.

Doc will handle the appeal, apparently Ozempic is insulin in a way and therefore I qualify.  Good. We'll see how that goes. And not increasing the dose right now, just continuing. Although cutting out all that sugar did have the effect of my losing 8lbs. not terribly surprising. And she's ok with a small treat now and then as long as I'm aware of how it causes peaks and drops. I'll probably turn to fruit first for all its benefits and I do like certain ones.

The ozempic injections do leave bruises, but I've always bruised easily. Hopefully the arnica cream I got will help. Lunch out tomorrow with my BFF, let's see how much I bring home in leftovers.

Hugs back, San, thank you!

Well, isn't that lovely. (sarcasm)  I got a letter from the insurance company. Medicare itself will not cover a continuous glucose monitor unless you:
A - are on insulin (I'm not)
B - Or have tried changing medications AND have had a "level 2" hypoglycemic event after changing meds
C - Or have had a "level 3" hypoglycemic event and have an attestation from someone that they had to help you during it.

So because I'm not bad enough to take insulin, they won't pay for them unless I almost die. Yet the ones I've had on so far have already detected WHEN  the hypoglycemic event is most likely to occur, when a couple almost occurred, and proves that I've learned how to prevent it. And because it's Medicare itself, an appeal is pointless.

I called my pharmacy and thank the gods, the discount card I have on file will make them affordable for me per month and it's cheaper than anywhere I can find online, even Canada. Still, a budget cost I hadn't wanted. I'm also kind of afraid to find out what my other meds may be the next time they need refills. I'm scared something I need will have gone up because that mango poop stain is letting the companies do so. There was an article about a young guy with asthma whose mom is suing because his asthma meds went from around $40 to over $500 and he died. I don't need this additional stress.

If you have ANYTHING that's a prescription, sign up for the GoodRx discount info for them and take it to your pharmacy to put on file. It might save your life.

Still here. Not so great, really. Just terrified and sick of what's been going on, now I have to worry if I'll even HAVE disability and Medicare this month. Several near-panic attacks even though I've been limiting the doomscrolling as much as I can. I've moved to more positive safer online places, but I still have to have some news just to know what's happening and not be taken by surprise.

Bro went and got Dutch Brothers the other day. My mocha was NOT the sugar free one I ordered. I was jittery and hyper for a couple hours and the ol' sugar spiked high. Not enough to set off an alarm, but I clearly was not given what I ordered and couldn't finish it. Explained why it tasted good, though. LOL Still, a little scary. Not even plain pasta spiked it anywhere near that bad.

Trying to focus and do what I can with what I'm capable of. So I'll be creating a little "How to Protest Safely" flyer in English and Spanish and dropping those in various free Little Library boxes around town soon. If I don't do something, I'll just freak out for the next four years.

On a positive note, though, I got some writing edited, submitted a poem to a local contest, and a couple others to a literary journal. Also made a calendar to easily see when various places have open submission windows. I will not be silenced.